lorebot/deps/fortune/showerthoughts

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don't know what either
of those things are.
	―jgam7, Feb 2015
%
April Fool's Day is the one day of the year when people critically evaluate
news articles before accepting them as true.
	―kellenbrent, Apr 2015
%
I have never once hit the space bar while watching a YouTube video with the
intention of scrolling halfway down the page
	―unfinished_usernam, Mar 2015
%
When Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters, not
used, is DEN-MARK.
	―vestergaard92, Nov 2014
%
Maybe 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' isn't a show that displays how
stupid grown adults can be, but rather, a show that depicts how much useless
information we teach grade schoolers that won't be retained or applicable
later in life.
	―YELLHEAH, Mar 2014
%
The object of golf is to play the least amout of golf.
	―HansOlavLee, Jul 2015
%
"The Bachelor" is a show about a man dating multiple women at once that is
primarily watched by women who hate men who date multiple women at once.
	―-Lo_Mein_Kampf-, Mar 2016
%
Netflix needs an incognito mode so that I can watch terrible films without
getting recommended more terrible films
	―JayNotAtAll, Jan 2016
%
There should be confetti in tires so when there is a blow out it's still kind
of an okay day
	―Eye_Decay, Aug 2015
%
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you're living off of taxes as a result of
not paying taxes.
	―Senor_Ita, Sep 2016
%
Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so I can
remember WTF I needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their
site
	―firstrival, Aug 2015
%
Now that cellphones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will
be okay to push people into pools again.
	―CornerDealie, Mar 2015
%
I used hola unblocker to watch Argo on the Canadian Netflix. I was an American
who had to pretend to be Canadian to watch a movie about Americans who have to
pretend to be Canadians making a movie.
	―veritate_valeo, Mar 2015
%
AOL who I have never given a dollar to still hosts my e-mail address from 6th
grade and yet my university whom I've given over 60 thousand dollars to
deleted mine within a year of my graduation.
	―Ismellcumin, Oct 2016
%
"DO NOT TOUCH" would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille.
	―Air_Hellair, Nov 2015
%
Maybe if we announce that Buzzfeed's shutting down, Buzzfeed will announce
that it's shutting down.
	―TheAbjectLol, Jan 2015
%
Every time you upvote someone, you are making their day better, at the cost of
nothing.
	―andrew688k, Nov 2013
%
Shrek is a movie about loving yourself for who you are despite your physical
appearance, but during the entire film they are making fun of Lord Farquaad
for being short instead of all his other detestable qualities.
	―Haskillbrother, May 2016
%
Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I
was using it to charge my book. The future is stupid.
	―The_JayMo, Aug 2015
%
Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, thank god it's the yawn.
	―MKLV, Aug 2015
%
instead of all the prequel and sequel movies coming out, they should start
making equels - films shot in the same time period as the original film, but
from an entirely different perspective
	―equalfilms, Nov 2014
%
Apple has "air." Amazon has "fire." Google has "earth." I think Microsoft
should create something called "water."
	―arbaminim, Dec 2014
%
X88B88 looks like the word voodoo reflecting off of itself.
	―roboccohurly, Apr 2014
%
Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don't
have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change.
	―ThisisGolems, Aug 2015
%
"Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did
you turn it off and turn it back on again?"
	―W0rdN3rd, Dec 2013
%
In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found in snow mountains
containing the last moments of peoples lives.
	―anonymoos_user, Aug 2015
%
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles
unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet
thanks to you.
	―tectactoe, Oct 2014
%
We should have a holiday called Space Day, where lights are to be shut off for
at least an hour at night to reduce light pollution, so we can see the galaxy.
	―bmg1001, Jan 2015
%
Coffee should have a "caffeine by volume" rating like alcohol so I can choose
how wired I really want to be when I buy coffee
	―JakesShitpostReviews, Oct 2016
%
The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the
kitchen.
	―ElBretto, May 2014
%
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that
erases your browser history if your heart stops beating.
	―ComicSansIsAwsome, Mar 2015
%
American journalism has gotten to the point that readers are criticized for
not fact checking news articles.
	―Olympian123, Aug 2016
%
I never burn bridges; I just fail to maintain them, and let them structurally
degrade over time.
	―Ayyesh, Oct 2016
%
The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi.
	―PhantomDukie, Feb 2014
%
They should announce a sequel to Groundhog Day and then just re-release the
original.
	―FlyLikeAMouse, Dec 2014
%
On April Fools Day, Brazzers should make a video where a hot male plumber goes
to a sorority house and fixes the toilet and leaves normally
	―Jam_Clam, Jul 2014
%
If you aren't at least a little ashamed of your country's history, you don't
know your country's history.
	―KnightOfWords, Mar 2016
%
Instead of colorizing photos, in 50 years we will be removing filters.
	―SixSexySockPuppets, Aug 2016
%
Car horns should only be allowed to be in pitches C, E, and G, so whenever two
people honk at the same time it will be in harmony and traffic jams will sound
like symphonies.
	―bringbackseymour, Mar 2016
%
The best item to protect you from sasquatch attacks is a camera.
	―papertank17, Aug 2015
%
I'm convinced most of the adults who told me wiki is unreliable, now use viral
facebook posts for most of their news sources.
	―Sharplynormal, Dec 2015
%
When drone technology becomes cheap enough, hands-free umbrellas are gonna be
the shit.
	―TremendoSlap, Oct 2016
%
I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to
drive.
	―mozezus, Jun 2016
%
If Leonardo Dicaprio ever wins an Oscar, he should pull out a dusty piece of
paper and do an acceptance speech as if it's from 1993
	―specialservices, Aug 2015
%
When a company offers me a better price after I cancel their subscription,
they're just admitting they were overcharging me.
	―Rhythman, Sep 2016
%
It would be a good idea to have "The Price Is Right" with billionaires, just
to see how out of touch they are.
	―slim2shady, Sep 2016
%
Your dog doesn't know you can make mistakes. When you trip over him in the
dark, he thinks you got up just to kick him in the head.
	―Throw13579, Aug 2015
%
With as much as I use my cell phone I don't believe it's ever made an
appearance in one of my dreams
	―Nogger_smogger, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty
because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that's how
it works.
	―Lyslyssa, Dec 2014
%
If you swap the spinach for beer, then any episode of Popeye becomes a bitter
story of a raging alcoholic, right down to the speech impediment and tendency
to fight people who he believes are trying to steal "his girl"
	―iftherewasanotherway, Jun 2015
%
If Goldilocks tried three beds, then Momma Bear and Daddy Bear slept
seperately. Baby Bear is probably the only thing keeping the family together.
	―gridster2, Apr 2015
%
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying
how crazy it is?
	―Have_One, May 2015
%
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow
	―benji9t3, Sep 2013
%
My 102 year old grandmother has lived through 42% of US history.
	―ggginasswrld, Jun 2016
%
"Would you rather crash on a friend's couch or the freeway?" would be a good
campaign slogan against drinking and driving.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
I don't think we're thankful enough that the whole world agreed on the same
units of time.
	―Pasurojiti, Jul 2016
%
In the event of an apocalypse I would spend the first 20 minutes wondering why
the internet doesn't work
	―OrionSeph, Mar 2016
%
The Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that
drives you to a random location.
	―CerealFlakes, Jun 2014
%
Dog food could say it's any flavor it wants, you're not going to test it.
	―M153RY, Jun 2016
%
As a dishwasher, I come home after hours of work in which I get covered in
filth, and I take a shower only to realize...I am the final dish
	―RandyJones, Apr 2014
%
Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually
expire and turn into mulch which they can consume
	―ergotpoisoning, Oct 2016
%
As a graphic designer, my entire career exists because I was able to pirate
Photoshop 10 years ago.
	―AnimalCrust, Aug 2016
%
I've woken up over 10,000 times and I'm still not used to it
	―dankerinooo, Jun 2016
%
A bachelor party is more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
	―burlyjez, Jan 2016
%
No 'how I made a million dollars' books include the author starting their
journey to wealth by reading a book about how to make a million dollars.
	―Sexymcsexalot, Apr 2015
%
If libraries were thought up today, they would be shut down by book industry
lobbyists
	―cat_master_plan, Aug 2016
%
Over the past year I've taken so many "before" pictures of my body while
telling myself im going to start working out, I basically just have a
slideshow of me getting fatter.
	―GodzCock, Oct 2016
%
"I can't check the time because my watch is doing a software update" is
probably the most ridiculous thing I've said this week
	―Ironfields, Feb 2016
%
what are snails even trying to do
	―BlueSkadood, Apr 2014
%
There should be an app like tinder but for jobs. Like hey you have 42 jobs
that meet your qualifications near you. Then the company can swipe left for
awful applications.
	―electrovert, Aug 2015
%
Becoming an adult feels like slowly being put into a managerial position you
didn't really want
	―JohannesP, Aug 2015
%
Dungeon keys in Zelda work on any door but can only be used once. That is the
exact opposite of how a key is supposed to work.
	―QuincyAzrael, May 2016
%
Task Manager should have an "End as many tasks as possible without crashing my
system" button
	―Third_Redditor_Ever, Sep 2016
%
If I see something like a cat or hydraulic press at the top of the front page
I know all has been relatively well with the western world for the past 24
hours
	―The_Bearded_Doctor, Jun 2016
%
On April Fools Day, Pornhub should pop up a notification that says
"Successfully shared to Facebook"
	―Snowmittromney, Aug 2015
%
My activities on the internet are basically the same things I would do if I
were a ghost: Listen in on people's conversations, spy on people having sex,
and watch whatever movies and concerts I want for free.
	―Khromulabobulation, Nov 2015
%
/r/Showerthoughts should have hot/cold tap heads as the upvote/downvote
buttons
	―pieceofyourpuzzle, Mar 2014
%
every cell in my body knows how to replicate DNA yet I'm not in on it so I
have to spend hours studying it
	―depressingcarrot, Feb 2015
%
Everyday, someone on Earth unknowingly does the biggest poo in the world for
that day.
	―swallowing_panda, Jan 2015
%
Netflix is like a refrigerator full of food but with nothing I want to eat.
	―rsahk, Aug 2015
%
If employee of the month won a private bathroom instead of a parking spot, I
would be way more motivated at my job.
	―itsoutthere, Oct 2016
%
My 18 month daughter has reached the intelligence level of The Sims. She can
move around, clap at random things and make garbage sounds but everything else
we have to direct her to do.
	―positivemark, Aug 2015
%
The reason I want to get ahead in life is so that I can be lazy once and for
all.
	―ThoughtCondom, Jul 2016
%
Most orchestras are just 1800's cover bands.
	―basspl, May 2016
%
If Apple Pay came before credit/debit cards, the invention of a battery-free
payment tool that fits in your wallet might be seen as an improvement.
	―VinceCully, Aug 2016
%
Only mortals have told me that it would suck to live forever.
	―Mrlmop, Oct 2016
%
Putting soymilk into coffee is putting beanwater into a different kind of
beanwater.
	―blackredgoldcat, Oct 2016
%
Almost every hand I've ever shaken has had a dick in it.
	―halohitz, Aug 2015
%
If colleges really want to prepare high school students for today's job market
then they should only accept students who have "at least 2-3 years college
experience".
	―Arpeggi42, Jul 2015
%
Having a toddler is like being on a permanent escort mission: A low AI
character tries to follow you around, and if you're not careful enough,
they'll find a way to kill themselves.
	―chrono1465, Oct 2015
%
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is
to wake up the world.
	―SubotaiKhan, Mar 2016
%
I definitely used way more glue in the first five years of my life than I have
in all the time since then.
	―UllrRllr, Aug 2016
%
Dogs probably destroy shoes because they see humans put them on before they
leave the house.
	―MrCSquared, Aug 2015
%
My debit card pays for things with past hours of my life, and my credit card
pays with future hours of my life.
	―makeitrayne, Aug 2015
%
On any given day in a hospital, you can find people having the best day of
their life, the worst day of their life, the first day of their life, and the
last day of their life all under one roof.
	―Turd_Wrangler_Guy, May 2016
%
My car keys have traveled more than my car
	―xshareddx, Jun 2016
%
Sleeping in is considered lazy, but going to bed early is not.
	―cloudyy182, Feb 2016
%
Facebook is ubiquitous, but has a reputation for low-quality content. It's
become the Walmart of social media.
	―RoninK, Aug 2015
%
The entire purpose of a bayonet is to bring a knife to a gun fight.
	―Third_Redditor_Ever, Aug 2016
%
If self-driving cars kick in fast enough, Women may never be able to drive in
Saudi Arabia.
	―mtlroadie, Apr 2016
%
Between "South Park", "Rick and Morty", "Archer", etc., I watch more cartoons
now than I did as a kid.
	―JimHalpertWasABully, Aug 2015
%
Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a homeless person
at a job fair.
	―Cosmo_120, Aug 2015
%
Bushing your teeth is the only time you clean your skeleton
	―Brinner, Aug 2015
%
It would be really weird if emotional dramas had "cry tracks" similar to
sitcoms with laugh tracks.
	―Atlantabraves, Feb 2016
%
I used to set up a SINGLE song downloading on limewire OVERNIGHT and bask in
the glory of it the next day, now if I click a gif link that doesn't load
within a couple of seconds I cancel it and move on.
	―Fatchine, Nov 2015
%
Growing up, I thought 'slow dances' would be a bigger occurrence in my adult
life than it is.
	―jolieminou, Aug 2016
%
If 9/11 had happened this year instead of 2001, we'd have all kinds of
horrifying, incredible footage from people trapped inside the World Trade
Center since everyone would have had a smartphone.
	―ns156, Mar 2016
%
Every "How it's made" video should be archived in the event of an apocalypse.
	―purple_mercury, Feb 2016
%
I would rather spend 10 extra minutes driving on an empty road than be in
traffic.
	―SCADA_MASTER, Mar 2016
%
I drive safer when there's food on my passenger seat than when there's a
person sitting there.
	―SinisterKid, Dec 2015
%
I read through /r/nosleep yesterday and realized that terrible things only
happen to people with excellent storytelling skills.
	―InconspicuousD, Aug 2015
%
Girl Scouts is basically a brand-name cookie company that gets away with child
labor.
	―Foo_Fighter_Fan, Feb 2016
%
As a bald, hairy man, I should probably shampoo my body and use body wash soap
on my head.
	―BrandonThe, Dec 2015
%
Having a video not load after watching an entire ad, is like the equivalent of
having a vending machine eat your money.
	―WhateverAmen, Oct 2016
%
When I accidentally type my password into the username box, I always feel like
someone is watching me and saying "Finally got him."
	―thenixnerd, Oct 2016
%
What if Earth is like one of those uncontacted tribes in South America, like
the whole Galaxy knows we're here but they've agreed not to contact us until
we figure it out for ourselves.
	―jimbojonesFA, Sep 2016
%
Thanks to the Internet, I have probably seen more naked ladies than all of my
ancestors combined.
	―CurtisTH, Aug 2014
%
Coming from a big family, I don't know what is more sad - That one of us will
have to go to seven funerals, or that one of us won't have to go to any.
	―GhostOfPluto, Feb 2015
%
You know you're an adult when your house makes noises and you're scared it's
an expensive repair bill and not a monster.
	―producerdan, Oct 2015
%
If keyboards came with braille on them, we all could have subconsciously
learned braille by now.
	―fatdonuthole, Jun 2016
%
I wish I had a Mario Kart-like ghost of myself punctually getting ready for
work in the morning so I'd know if I was running late.
	―OMGGGEEEE, May 2014
%
Cowboys that ride off into the sunset quickly run out of daylight and have to
camp just outside of town. Probably should've just stayed put for the night
instead of being all dramatic.
	―throwpillo, May 2015
%
If fish keep declining, future generations will think “plenty of fish in the
sea” is a sarcastic quip meaning they will never find anyone.
	―Jack_leon25, Aug 2016
%
I wish the first rule of Crossfit was the same as Fight Club.
	―dellwood513, Mar 2016
%
A bed is a shelf for your body when you are not using it.
	―Nabrokovian, Aug 2015
%
I should ask my barber where he gets his hair cut, then go there and slowly
make my way up the chain until I find THE GREATEST BARBER IN THE WORLD...or
perhaps just a bald dude.
	―TheGubbins, Dec 2014
%
A guy can decline an invitation by saying his girlfriend won't let him go and
everyone will likely understand. But if a girl declines an invitation by
saying her boyfriend won't let her go, people will likely get concerned.
	―1Calvin, Aug 2016
%
The only time I've ever used the panic button on my car key is when I
accidentally press it, causing me panic.
	―tdawg1911, Apr 2016
%
That Google Chrome "what tab is being noisy?" speaker icon should function as
a mute button.
	―kirk_is_, May 2015
%
Someone's therapist probably knows all about you and probably thinks it's your
fault.
	―frmes_hift, Aug 2015
%
The real unsung hero in School Of Rock is the promoter who got about 2,000
people to a local Battle Of The Bands on a weekday morning.
	―AndyVale, Nov 2014
%
I don't get why people are upset we haven't invented hover-boards by 2015 when
according to the same movie, we should've had a time machine back in in 1985.
	―iZacAsimov, Oct 2015
%
Dora calls herself an "explorer," but travels exclusively through mapped
territories
	―ChefBoyarE, May 2015
%
There should be a take your parent to work day so that they can see what their
kid has grown up to be.
	―jollyhighgaint, Apr 2016
%
If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills
for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not
	―-OmnipotentPotato-, Feb 2016
%
Most animals don't recognize their own reflection because their brains aren't
complex enough. I wonder if humans have observed something which we cannot
comprehend or even know we cannot comprehend because our brains lack that
complexity.
	―bloodygames, Jun 2016
%
Were it not for Steve Harvey, most of us would not have even known the Miss
Universe pageant took place yesterday.
	―jloy88, Dec 2015
%
Everytime someone in a movie has to draw blood they always cut the palm of
their hand. Surely this is the least convenient place to have a deep cut.
	―GemEdessa, Jul 2016
%
You can tell that the Flintstones lived a very long time ago because they're a
single-income working class family with their own house.
	―MisterBadIdea2, Aug 2015
%
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
	―AthleticNerd_, Sep 2016
%
A vampire could switch one of the lenses of his glasses with a mirror and
effectively have a rear-view mirror
	―save-iour, Oct 2016
%
The world isn't getting dumber. It's just easier for dumb people to get their
thoughts heard.
	―lb8ovn, May 2016
%
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser
history.
	―I_yike_nat, Sep 2016
%
Dating in your 30s and 40s is like, "I wonder what this person's tragedy is"
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
There should by a gym where the membership fee is extremely high at the
beginning of the month but you earn money back for every day you end up going
and working out for at least an hour.
	―mrmoo524, Aug 2015
%
If you're 24 years old, you've already been around for 10% of American
history.
	―shamelessquestion, Sep 2016
%
It's a good thing Dr. Seuss books come with pictures, because otherwise I'd
have no fuckin clue what he was talking about.
	―PM_ME_NSFW_HARLEY_Q, May 2016
%
I wish web browsers would wait until after I've successfully logged in before
asking to save a password for a website.
	―scaredimgurian, Aug 2016
%
I still use my college ID to get two dollars off movie tickets 15 years after
graduating. So, if i see 10,000 movies my diploma will have pretty much paid
for itself!
	―germsburn, Feb 2016
%
When I was a younger person I had to use the Oxford dictionary to understand
adult words and now that I'm an adult I have to use urban dictionary to
understand younger people words.
	―TheShamz, Nov 2015
%
Adblock should buy out signs around time square and replace them with "This ad
has been blocked by Adblock"
	―chp2001, Jan 2015
%
People argue with me more in my head than they do in real life.
	―YourNameIsIrrelevant, Jan 2016
%
I think we should all take a moment and be grateful our bodies don't shit
while we're asleep.
	―garrett1999o3, Sep 2016
%
Based off the amount of people who seem to actually use their turn signals
when driving, it's a good thing that reverse lights turn on automatically.
	―dumbbatman, Sep 2016
%
A telephone makes sound travel faster than the speed of sound
	―UwRandom, Oct 2016
%
Isn't it weird in movies sometimes when there's a fight on top of a truck yet
all the cars behind them will be driving like normal like "this is real messed
up but I'm not going to be late for work".
	―crudmissile, May 2016
%
In a submarine battle you can be under fire, underwater, on fire, and taking
on water all at the same time.
	―Snoopislurking, May 2016
%
For most of human history, vehicles had automatic collision avoidance and
could even take you home when you were sleeping or drunk. Then we got rid of
the horse.
	―arbaminim, Nov 2014
%
Why are wedding dresses bought and tuxedos rented? The utility of each is such
that it should be the other way around.
	―the_humeister, May 2016
%
Most of my targeted ads are for things I just recently bought, which seems
redundant
	―Venerac, Aug 2016
%
You should be able to yell "BE RIGHT THERE" to your phone and since it knows
you're coming, it gives you a few extra rings before sending the user to
voicemail.
	―salvisa, May 2015
%
The Olympics should have a 'For Fun' section at the end of all the games so
all the athletes can try different sports.
	―dublzz, Aug 2016
%
"Where are you" is probably the least used phrase in sign language.
	―SpaaloneBabagus, Sep 2016
%
If Obama was the president of Kenya, he would be their first white president.
	―Sloth_Brotherhood, Nov 2013
%
Facebook shares are just the new "Fw: Fw: fw: Fw: Fw:" of stupid images and
jokes
	―xixi2, Aug 2015
%
To the dinosaurs, we live in a post-apocalyptic future.
	―Jayfeather69, Mar 2015
%
2 days off: Typical weekend. 3 days off: Well rested. 4+ days off: Forget
every single element of what it takes to be a functional member of society.
	―TexMcBadass, Jan 2016
%
Most superheroes are born with their powers or get them through an accident,
while most supervillains gain their powers through intelligence or years of
hard work.
	―L0kiMotion, Sep 2016
%
As a kid, I had absolutely no idea that my favourite thing as an adult would
be doing nothing.
	―jayflashgordon, Mar 2016
%
As a child, the concept of having a favourite color seemed more important than
it turned out to be.
	―DogeSaint-Germain, Jan 2016
%
The missing Malaysia flight 370 is exactly what the show "Lost" would've
looked like from the rest of the world's POV.
	―Sac_Man10, Dec 2015
%
I've seen people on reddit do more intense research on random shit than I ever
have in high school and college put together
	―Ragan_aron123, May 2016
%
I have two cushions. My wife bought them. Their sole reason for existence is
to throw the them on the bedroom floor at 11pm every evening.
	―astraboy, Oct 2016
%
As a kid, if I was in trouble or my parents did something I didn't like, I
would say to myself, "I will never do that to my kids." Now as a parent, I
can't remember what I am supposed to do differently.
	―FlabbyFanny, Aug 2016
%
Somewhere in the world, there is somebody with your dream job that hates going
to work everyday
	―EmailSoup, Jul 2016
%
In highschool, eating lunch alone is considered lame and can result in
bullying. In a busy office, eating lunch alone and undisturbed is considered a
luxury.
	―Kezly, Oct 2016
%
You know you're fucked if your favorite band visits you while you're in a
hospital
	―shakingthebeef, May 2016
%
It would be scary as fuck if the entire Ocean was clear like a swimming pool.
	―JustinTimberbeach, Sep 2016
%
The two things that I resist the most in my day are going to bed at night, and
getting out of bed in the morning.
	―Josh_Logic, Jul 2016
%
Me not being able to watch "The Interview" is the first real time I've ever
directly been affected by North Korea
	―Professor_Plop, Dec 2014
%
"He died doing what he loved" would be a horrible thing to say at a drug
addicts funeral.
	―NumberZtv, Aug 2015
%
My kids don't beg for toys and I realized it's because they never get to see
commercials
	―tanman1975, Jun 2016
%
You could seriously piss off your neighbours by buying a puppy and naming it
the same as their child.
	―chilejon, Apr 2016
%
I can't remember a single product I've seen advertised on Youtube. Not one. My
brain registers the ad as an impediment to what it wants and immediately
shifts my focus to something else until it's over.
	―f0restry, Mar 2016
%
"It's Raining Men," and "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor," are about the same
event, but wildly different perspectives.
	―Charli-was-here, Jun 2016
%
The reason why tomato soup and grilled cheese is such a good combo is because
it's basically the same ingredients as pizza.
	―JAMALDAVIS, Sep 2016
%
The biggest lie in taco commercials is someone taking a bite of a hard shell
taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
	―PoopStuckOnYourFur, Aug 2016
%
I turned 18 a half hour ago, I've spent 100% of my adult life on reddit.
	―foresstguy, Aug 2015
%
All the guys from 'Pawn Stars' should compete on an episode of 'The Price is
Right'
	―robidizzle, Mar 2016
%
If someone forgets to clear the time on the microwave, after 3 minutes it
should automatically default back to displaying the time.
	―AssaultBuick, Aug 2016
%
If doctor had told me I have 6 months left to live, I would approach it as any
other deadline and probably just be lazy until the last month.
	―elfizad, Feb 2016
%
A Batman movie from the point of view of a random street gang would probably
be a lot like the film "Predator"
	―come-on-now-please, Apr 2016
%
Art is how we decorate space; music is how we decorate time.
	―aclayhutchings, Jan 2015
%
Due to the evolution of bacteria with respect to our bodies natural defense
mechanisms, traveling forward in time could kill you, and traveling back in
time could kill everyone.
	―ickee, Jan 2016
%
When I bake bread, I give thousands of yest organisms false hope by feeding
them sugar, before ruthlessly baking them to death in an oven and eating their
corpses.
	―Hq3473, Oct 2016
%
The star wars films are set mainly in outer space yet they've never once shown
a zero gravity scene.
	―jabbapage, Mar 2016
%
The Viagra commercial says "make sure your heart is healthy enough for
sex". That's a really deep question if you think about it in a more
metaphorical way.
	―OneEyedCharlie, Oct 2016
%
You know it's time to check your bank account when you're too afraid to check
your bank account.
	―bogidyboy, Mar 2016
%
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child
	―youstinkbitch, Jul 2015
%
In my life I've purchased at least 50 cans of WD40, right now I can locate
two, I've never thrown one away, and I have no idea where the rest went
	―EngineerBoy00, Aug 2016
%
3G used to be the best thing going. Now, when my phone's indicator says 3G, it
pretty much functions like I have no signal at all.
	―tekhnomancer, Sep 2016
%
The movie Snowden should be leaked online before it gets released in theaters.
	―Suporia, Sep 2016
%
Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
	―Zwall_, Sep 2015
%
The best thing about dogs is you can act like something really good just
happened and they’ll instantly start celebrating. They have no idea what the
context is, they're just always ready to party.
	―[deleted], Aug 2015
%
Porn sites should enable sorting by the number of people who left the website
after watching the video
	―Offjacker, Aug 2015
%
Vampires only suck your blood for Vitamin D because they can't go out in the
sun themselves.
	―LatherMeInPoo, Aug 2015
%
If someone told me to transport a $30,000 object that, if mishandled, could
kill everyone around it, I would walk it so slowly and carefully to its
destination. But I drive my car with one hand, while messing with the radio,
going 70 mph.
	―notagangsta, Oct 2016
%
Cellphones should have 2 passwords for unlock, one which would be for you and
unrestricted.. the other would be for you parents/friends that wouldn't show
awkward applications/photos
	―flipmosquad, Aug 2015
%
It's a little ironic that my "lazy" clothes, are the exact same as my gym
clothes
	―Stallsy, Sep 2016
%
If someone tells me they're dumb, I assume they're smarter than they think,
but of someone tells me they're smart I assume they're dumber than they think.
	―augustprep, Oct 2016
%
I don't appreciate the time that I don't have a cold nearly enough as I
should.
	―cynthiadangus, Dec 2015
%
If Google matched people up by their browsing history, it could be the
greatest online dating website of all time.
	―hobbitfeets, Jun 2016
%
The first immortal creature will probably be a lab rat
	―Rolling_Times, Oct 2016
%
Students are stereotypically viewed as being lazy, but I worked ten times
harder as a student than I do in my career now
	―autonova3, Sep 2016
%
Waking up with a hangover is like rebooting in safe mode. The main functions
still work, but it's impossible to get anything else done.
	―damndudewtf, Mar 2016
%
There should be a website where you can sign up and swap your Halloween
costume with another person every year to save yourself money.
	―gouldsplosions, Nov 2015
%
During childhood, we are told that jokes about the genital areas are adult
content, but once we become adults, these jokes are considered "childish".
	―youraverageiranian, Dec 2014
%
Barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was finally invented.
	―twilkezz, Jun 2016
%
Best thing about the Panama Papers scandal so far is that its name doesn't end
in "gate".
	―andudud, Apr 2016
%
Whenever I type 'etc...' It usually means I'm completely out of examples.
	―darrenphillipjones, Apr 2016
%
My way of flirting is looking at the person I'm attracted to and hoping
they're braver than I am.
	―Kriss_Snow, Oct 2016
%
Wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would just be
proud of me.
	―macaronithemagicpony, Jul 2016
%
If you had $1 for every year the universe has existed (approximately 13.8
billion years). You wouldn't even make the top 50 on the Forbes list.
	―jbdew14, Sep 2016
%
I am a much better proofreader the moment after I post something than the
moment before.
	―SirHerald, Jun 2016
%
If organized crime started printing high quality counterfeit college textbooks
and then sold them at cut rate prices, it would be a really good public
relations move.
	―jesusfriedmycarnitas, Jun 2016
%
Amazon should have an option to donate money to get you over the free shipping
threshold.
	―bushleague11, Sep 2016
%
From the mouth of my 8 year old son: "When you think about the future, your
mind is time traveling."
	―Laborum, Mar 2016
%
Hundreds of people put thousands of hours of work into a project, just for me
to watch two minutes of it on Netflix then say "Ugh, nevermind."
	―poopedinthechili, Mar 2016
%
There exists a set of finite actions that, if I performed them in the correct
order, would make me a millionaire in a day. I just don't know what they are.
	―i_like_yoghurt, Jun 2016
%
Food doesn't really go 'bad' something just starts eating it before you do.
	―olafvonstrudel, May 2016
%
If Google Maps added 5 minutes to every time estimate on directions millions
of people would be on time for things.
	―bthoman2, Jun 2016
%
Europeans may have introduced Smallpox and decimated Native Americans, but
Native Americans introduced Europeans to tobacco, killing many more over the
subsequent 500 years. Well played, Natives.
	―BastardofStark, Mar 2016
%
If Katniss and Peeta from "Hunger Games" were Hollywood celebrities, their
supercouple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss
	―beinagrind_i_skapnum, Nov 2013
%
Reddit is the only place where I've learnt to not trust the article headlines
and instead expect a stranger in the comments to tell me the truth
	―TurkeyTurrds, Oct 2015
%
If people who hate minions subscribe to /r/MinionHate, it fills their front
page with even more minions.
	―WADERMELON, Aug 2015
%
The laugh track in "How I Met Your Mother" would make more sense if it were
two kids laughing, rather than a studio audience.
	―alex_jo, Oct 2016
%
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time
ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
	―firkin_slang_whanger, Apr 2015
%
The iconic Alien is to us what we are to apes: small, pale, big headed, and
with unfathomable technology. We even abduct them for medical experiments.
	―Deejer, May 2014
%
An "unlimited minutes per month" phone plan really only gives you 44,640
minutes per month at best
	―bubscuf, Aug 2016
%
Wherever a fatal car crash or pedestrian death occurs, a red square with the
year of the accident should be permanently included in the pavement. Seeing a
lot of red squares in a given location would make drivers and pedestrians more
careful.
	―KubrickIsMyCopilot, May 2016
%
We use sex to sell everything. We arrest those who buy and sell actual sex.
	―HolloH, Jun 2015
%
We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn't need to look at watches. Now
we put mobile phones in our watches so we don't need to look at our mobile
phones.
	―darkdoggy, Dec 2015
%
We need a Boy Scouts for adult men. I'd love to go camping, hunting, &
fishing and learn about nature with like-minded individuals.
	―ShaolinMaster, Apr 2015
%
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day's worth
of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full
screen and pretend like I'm working.
	―peacesreese, Jun 2015
%
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it
won't feel like you are alone anymore.
	―aaneton, Aug 2015
%
I'm so afraid of commitment that when choosing a default app to open a file, I
always pick 'just once' over 'always'.
	―-n0x, Jan 2016
%
Beatboxers must be really good at demonstrating the noise their car has been
making when they bring it to a mechanic.
	―take_me_with_youuu, May 2016
%
As an adult, I can quite literally do whatever I want to, but I always end up
wanting to just go home.
	―khaleelu, Sep 2016
%
I've clicked thousands of links on reddit without getting a virus. Yet, my
grandparents can spend 10 minutes on my laptop and get a virus.
	―tell_me_im_funny, Jan 2016
%
I would pay a lot of money to see every "I was born in the wrong time period"
person put into a reality TV show where they have to authentically live in
that time period.
	―BookerDeWittsCarbine, Jul 2016
%
I spent my early 20's trying to get new games to play on old computers and I
spent my late 30's trying to get old games to play on new computers
	―credible_hulk, Jun 2015
%
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
	―Frustratinglyshortna, Aug 2015
%
Because telescopes work using mirrors, we'll never know if there are any space
vampires.
	―Champs27, Jul 2015
%
If two pregnant women get into a fist fight, it's like a mech battle between
two fetuses.
	―SPESSMEHRINE, Apr 2015
%
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a
baby, and get divorced--and yet I'd still be using the same box of Q-tips.
	―nXanadu, Mar 2015
%
Nintendo should create a tower defense game where the objective is to keep
Princess Peach from getting kidnapped in the first place.
	―StarManta, Aug 2015
%
Every year, reddit should take that year's top 12 submissions from
/r/earthporn and turn them into a calendar, and sell it on the reddit
marketplace.
	―-rabid-, Dec 2014
%
Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by
flying on commercial airlines.
	―H3llShadow, Jan 2014
%
I sit at work in front of a computer all day just to afford to sit at home in
front of a computer all night.
	―5undo, Jul 2016
%
As an adult, you can literally do what ever you want to do, I always end up
wanting to just go home.
	―Ftw_dabs69ish, Mar 2016
%
My phone knows how to route me around an accident miles ahead in real time,
but still hasn't figured out what the hell I'm doing when I pull off the road
into a gas station.
	―robinson217, Feb 2016
%
I think the worst part about a break up isn't the loneliness; it's knowing
there is someone out there who knows how incredibly weird you are that you no
longer trust.
	―SaidTheMoose, Sep 2016
%
All males strive to "be the man" while avoiding "being that guy".
	―BaronVonTittySlapper, Aug 2015
%
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions is an affirmation of
how unoriginal all my problems are.
	―afkurzz, Oct 2015
%
As an Adult I think about running away way more then I ever did as a kid.
	―Captblue1, Apr 2016
%
Growing up, I heard a lot about Anchovy Pizzas. Now that I'm an adult, I
realize that I have never once heard anyone order an Anchovy Pizza.
	―frustrated_pen, Apr 2016
%
When I unsubscribe from a newsletter and get an email confirming that I've
been unsubscribed, it feels like they needed to be the one to say the last
word in an argument.
	―vahnvite, Feb 2016
%
I wish I had a Mario Kart-like ghost of myself punctually getting ready for
work in the morning so I’d know if I was running late.
	―seemarakesh, Oct 2016
%
When I'm old the fact that I'm older than Google will be really impressive
	―mostinterestingdude, Sep 2016
%
You aren't actually afraid of being left alone in your house, or in the
forest; You're afraid that you AREN'T alone.
	―TEarDroP414, Mar 2016
%
Facebook's list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people
I've been avoiding my entire life.
	―eaglesforlife, Nov 2015
%
I am more responsible with the resources I have in video games than I am with
the resources I have in real life.
	―Old2blue, Oct 2015
%
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
	―ladyoboe, Dec 2015
%
I'm raising my son on Netflix, and so far he has not been exposed to one iota
of advertising, and has no idea what the 'cool' toys are.
	―SeptemberOf76, Jan 2016
%
Tamagotchis have been replaced with FitBit. Now we are the thing that needs to
be walked.
	―Burgerstand, Jul 2016
%
We live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and
furniture polish is made from real lemons..
	―DominickCosta, May 2016
%
I can't believe frying pans and pots don't have standardized detachable
handles yet. One handle fits all, and storage would be so much easier.
	―aussierob, Oct 2016
%
No one has looked at my computer in over 3 years, but I still go incognito
when I watch porn.
	―PM_ME_YOUR_KITTENS-, Sep 2016
%
Whether you're a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one
of the high points of your day.
	―postmodulator, Sep 2016
%
Death would be much more terrifying if it was actually possible to live
forever
	―TimeForPoolParty, Sep 2016
%
If alcohol was classified like any other drug it would be a prime example of
how drugs can ruin your life
	―Aorus_, Jun 2016
%
People who are goodlooking but have terrible personalities are basically real
life click baits
	―Wyndmusic, Aug 2016
%
Being attracted to your own flacid penis would be the worst fetish ever
	―Mofman1, Sep 2013
%
I'm not scared of a computer passing the turing test... I'm terrified of one
that intentionally fails it.
	―Grandure, Sep 2016
%
My phone, remote, and even smoke detector can warn me of a low battery but my
car doesn't have a fucking clue.
	―dellwood513, Apr 2016
%
As I grow older, Calvin and Hobbes gets funnier, but Garfield gets worse.
	―RVDean-Ambrose, Sep 2016
%
At age 30, you've spent a month having birthdays.
	―lolexplode, May 2015
%
Dippin Dots has been the ice cream of the future for over 28 years.
	―The_Shiva92, Oct 2016
%
Earth is like a guy who knows exactly where to stand next to a bonfire.
	―Bovice144, Oct 2016
%
The moral of Rudolph the Red nose reindeer is that no one likes you unless
you're useful.
	―Auvious, Dec 2015
%
When I don't text people back right away it's because I'm working, busy or
just don't feel like talking at that moment. When people don't text ME back
immediately I think they're either dead or hate me and are purposely ignoring
me.
	―dragoness_leclerq, May 2016
%
The leather jacket I've been wearing for 10 years has been worn longer by me
than the cow that it came from.
	―Firework_Sandwich, Apr 2016
%
When my parents owned a huge VHS camcorder, they filmed everything. Now that
there's a video camera in their pocket, they film nothing.
	―GlassHouses8, Dec 2015
%
I'd never lick my dish sponge but I happily rub it all over stuff I eat out
of.
	―BitcoinBanker, Oct 2016
%
I just realized that whenever I hear a "... walk into a bar" joke, Ive been
picturing the same bar my whole life. I wonder if it exists somewhere or if
its just a mesh of different bars I saw on tv as a kid.
	―forgotaboutsteve, Oct 2016
%
Every time my wife shows me something on facebook before I see it on reddit I
feel like all of you have failed me.
	―OnlyHereForTheDust, May 2016
%
It's crazy that's there's this giant thing in the sky all the time that we're
not supposed to look at.
	―robbyking, Aug 2016
%
I'm willing to spend countless hours perfecting my MMO character but i halfass
my way through real life.
	―ValorCore, Mar 2016
%
The skeleton isn't inside you, you're the brain so you're inside the skeleton
	―System0falem0n, Apr 2016
%
The Simpsons has been on the air long enough that I've stopped identifying
with the kids and started identifying with the adults
	―HoserUSC, Nov 2015
%
Batman is a 1 percenter beating up the mentally ill.
	―delitomatoes, Nov 2015
%
I used to carry a condom in a particular pocket in my purse. I now carry
stamps in there instead. At some point in the last few years, it became more
likely that I'd send a letter than have sex.
	―acoustic_girl, Feb 2016
%
Between pens and lighters, Bic is making a fortune off of people losing their
products.
	―portuguesesteel, Apr 2015
%
Nothing says "top of the food chain" like squid-ink calamari pasta: you're
eating another animal, and seasoning it with its defense mechanism.
	―hseidema, Dec 2015
%
Mosquitoes are like dirty used needles that can fly.
	―CosmosKing98, Feb 2016
%
Randomly Hearing your favorite song on the radio is more satisfying than
playing it directly from your ipod.
	―rekdrektm9, Oct 2016
%
While growing up, the Bermuda Triangle seemed like a real threat for a while
there.
	―kiwifruitfury, Jan 2016
%
Bodies are weird. I can run, jump, wakeboard, do cartwheels, play piano, and
type 90 words per minute, but if I brush my teeth with the wrong hand it's
like time slows down while my brain tries to process what the actual hell is
going on
	―TupperwareMagic, Sep 2016
%
I didn't exist in your world until you started reading this sentence of mine
	―roblon, Apr 2014
%
By the end of this century people will start looking up their ancestors on
Facebook.
	―Bumpercloud, Apr 2016
%
Every time a character dies on a TV show I just feel bad for the actor who
pretty much just got fired in front of us.
	―Doctor_Colossus, Oct 2016
%
I just now realized the connection between the words "timid" and "intimidate"
	―Why--Not--Zoidberg, Mar 2015
%
Kanye West is offering a prize to anyone who can guess what Kanye West's new
album title "TLOP" stands for. Kanye West probably doesn't even know what it
stands for. Kanye West is waiting for someone to submit the best title.
	―LA_Ramz, Feb 2016
%
If your front door has a mail slot, then you live in a mailbox.
	―WisestAirBender, Oct 2016
%
Victoria is living the dream we all have when we get fired - that the company
that fired us will instantly and fantastically fall apart.
	―cliffordcat, Jul 2015
%
Google maps should have a "Scenic!" route option for when we're not in a hurry
and just want to enjoy the ride.
	―spikejr5342, Apr 2015
%
If smartphones had been invented 50 years ago they'd probably have a cigarette
lighter built in
	―AssCalloway, Oct 2016
%
Two of the biggest problems after a hurricane are not having enough water and
having way too much water.
	―AlexTwice, Oct 2016
%
When someone tells you to go and do a chore you were about to do anyway, it
makes you about 100 times less willing to do it
	―mrdino11, Oct 2016
%
I wish I could see a woman that I know is equally as attractive as I am so I
know how attractive I am to the opposite sex
	―BigBeardius, Sep 2015
%
All porn videos should start with 5 seconds of music to remind me that my
volume is turned up.
	―ChiSoxSider, Jan 2016
%
It's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it and feel really sad around
8PM
	―Narksdog, Oct 2016
%
If you wanted to be incognito by choosing the most common first and last name
in the world, you'd really stand out, Mohamed Wang.
	―science_andshit, May 2016
%
I am more comfortable talking with newer friends because they are familiar
with the newest incarnation of me and hold less expectations.
	―Nymik, Oct 2016
%
I spent seven hours vividly hallucinating then I woke up and ate the meat of
other animals for energy, now i'm going to do something I don't want to for
eight hours for pieces of paper.
	―Dirtyuniform, Aug 2015
%
It's hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it's damn near
impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.
	―KoreTen, May 2015
%
You think you're unique until you have to choose a username
	―High_as_red, Jun 2016
%
"My two cents" has been in use since the twenties but has never been adjusted
for inflation; opinions are becoming increasingly worthless.
	―CrankyOptimist, May 2016
%
The laws that we are supposed to be aware of and abide by are so complex that
there is an entire profession dedicated to understanding them
	―teamrango, Aug 2016
%
I like to think money wouldn't change me; yet when I'm winning Monopoly I'm a
terrible person.
	―aliendogfishman, Jun 2016
%
Adding an "e" to the end of a word makes it seem old, but adding one to the
beginning makes it sound high-tech.
	―Rappaccini, May 2016
%
Ever noticed how supervillains are always trying to change things and
superheroes always try to resist the change?
	―ComplexExponential, Apr 2016
%
Superman's build should be thin and scrawny, because nothing is heavy enough
to offer him a proper resistance workout.
	―themanfromsaturn, Apr 2015
%
"I sold an hour of my life for $13" doesn't sound nearly as good as "I make
$13/hour."
	―oaktownraider13, Jun 2015
%
As a kid I thought being able to perfectly reproduce my signature would be
much a bigger deal than it actually is.
	―mintsponge, Feb 2016
%
A true mad scientist would only destroy half of the earth, since the other
half is the control group.
	―avogando, Jul 2016
%
What if ghosts don't kill us because then we'd be ghosts and it'd be super
awkward.
	―Inquisitive_Luke, Oct 2016
%
The idea of a ghost that moans may have been started by children whose parents
were having sex in the adjacent room and denied having heard the sounds.
	―Overwritten, Sep 2014
%
YouTube should permanently disable ads on Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You
Up' so the joke isn't ruined
	―yoloswagrofl, Dec 2015
%
I hate when people show me YouTube videos but love showing people YouTube
videos
	―TeflonDapperDon, Sep 2016
%
When Stan Lee dies, all the Marvel movie characters should mention they have
funerals to attend for their postman/doorman/friend/stripclub DJ and then be
very confused when they all show up at the same one.
	―shogi_x, Aug 2016
%
As an early 90's child, I'm really glad that a 6 to 15-year-old me couldn't
post my thoughts all over the Internet.
	―Mocker-Nicholas, Dec 2015
%
I would rather watch a blank screen for the duration of an ad than watch the
ad itself.
	―Profisea, Sep 2016
%
The fact that I can't recognize my co-workers outside of uniform 85% of the
time, tells me superman knows exactly what he's doing.
	―arkhamcreedsolid, Jul 2016
%
People who ask easily-Googled questions are looking for interaction, not
answers.
	―shorty_cant_surf, May 2016
%
Having Facebook, there is no more reason to have high school reunions, you
already know what people are up to and you still don't care.
	―ThePittsburgher, Nov 2015
%
At least Stephen Hawking can have a conversation with his dentist during a
cleaning
	―EastTexasAggie, Jul 2016
%
Having anti-piracy messages on legitimately bought and legal DVDs is like
lecturing a punctual classroom on attendance.
	―motherstep, Feb 2016
%
If cats had wings,they'd still just lay there.
	―Cemil55, Oct 2016
%
Mummies are just upper-class zombies.
	―das_superbus, Mar 2016
%
Diabetes is one disease where a sugar pill isn't a placebo
	―souravski, Aug 2016
%
Snoop Dogg has probably been stoned for longer than I have been alive.
	―YaBoyLantony, Sep 2016
%
If I was a Gotham villain my name would be Earl E. Bird. Id commit crimes at
daybreak because signaling Batman would be pretty fucking hard.
	―TychoKepler, Aug 2015
%
If I'm a 7 out of 10, that's the same as 3.5 out of 5. I probably wouldn't buy
me on Amazon.
	―good_job_nate, Jul 2016
%
you know that your game of monopoly starts to escalate when someone asks for
the game instructions
	―Hansmaulwurf550, Oct 2016
%
A baby is initially in water (womb), then comes to land (born), then crawls on
the body, then walks on four feet, then stands up and walks on two feet. Just
like the evolution from fish to reptiles to mammals to humans.
	―mvsastry, Mar 2016
%
Using solar panels to power an air conditioning unit is like using the Sun's
power against itself.
	―AMagnificentBiscuit, Jul 2016
%
The word "Fat" just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of
the word "Eat".
	―dunkm1n, Feb 2014
%
I never realised how great having no food allergies is. I can go to the store
and literally buy anything without having to check the ingredients.
	―FlandreHon, Mar 2016
%
If items in a vending machine were all $1 instead of $1.15 or $1.25, I'd be
much more inclined to buy something.
	―cowo94, Oct 2016
%
in theory, there is a combination of digital 0's and 1's that would result in
a video of me having a threesome with Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Watson.
	―phoenixfire6, Mar 2014
%
Remember that every corpse on Everest was once a highly motivated person.
	―lukianp, Sep 2016
%
Silent movies were killed off 80 years ago, but now with gifs I watch more
silent videos than I do those with sound.
	―Delet3r, Oct 2016
%
Most people are buried in suits and stuff so a zombie apocalypse would be a
formal event
	―discernment, Dec 2014
%
I wonder what my dog named me
	―SOMEguysFRIEND, Oct 2014
%
1984-2000 seems a very long time compared to 2000-2016.
	―the_ordertaker, Jul 2016
%
Considering how there's no traces of humans in the film, the Lion King could
be set in any era. It could be the bronze age, 21st century or a cyborg future
where humanity has gone extinct.
	―actually_crazy_irl, Feb 2016
%
As a child I was excited when the door bell rang...as an adult I pretend I'm
not home.
	―Steel_Slinger, Oct 2016
%
While Apple's new campus is being built, I wonder how many jokes have been
made about "installing windows"
	―switchtrip16, Feb 2015
%
Zombies should be naked from the waist down. All of that weight lost to
dehydration and rot would cause their pants to fall down.
	―Half-bred, Jan 2016
%
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going.
	―tquo, Sep 2016
%
I really want marijuana to be legal, but only because I'm tired of grading
terrible student papers about how marijuana should be legalized
	―kidneys_included, Oct 2016
%
If you're over 30, you were alive before every dog in the world.
	―jleonardbc, Apr 2016
%
You know shit just went down in a tv episode when they show the credits with
no music
	―-I-am-jack-, May 2016
%
Microwave ovens need a 'Midnight Snack' button that disables the dings and
beeps.
	―himejirocks, Jun 2016
%
When you buy a washing machine it should come with a laundry basket that
indicates how much can fit into the washing machine.
	―Muchachi, Jun 2016
%
Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70
mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
	―FourWordReplies, Sep 2016
%
If a World War 3 happens, it would get really awkward online as we are able to
talk with our enemies
	―HowManyLettersCanFi, Jan 2016
%
I have arrived at the time in my life where 100$ is barely anything to
receive, but way too much to give.
	―Dreamlite, Sep 2016
%
We probably can't blow ourselves because the dudes who could naturally fell
out of the gene pool.
	―recursionoisrucer, Jul 2016
%
Weird Al Yankovich has managed to remain culturally relevant far longer than
most of the people he's parodied
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to
feel like teenagers.
	―ksnid3r, Oct 2015
%
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay
the main quest story mission
	―arthurmauk, Feb 2016
%
What if all the Ancient Greek sculptures are actually victims of Medusa?
	―Sindel_, Apr 2016
%
I'll consider myself successful when I no longer dread looking at my bank
account.
	―mflboys, Sep 2016
%
Bruce Wayne's parents being murdered was the best thing that ever happened to
Gotham
	―KidMemphis_IV, Aug 2015
%
This subreddit is one of the few I can thoroughly enjoy without ever opening
the posts.
	―benjancewicz, Jun 2016
%
The radio in my video game has a greater variety of music than the one in my
car.
	―EggsundHam, Jun 2016
%
Becoming an adult is watching Home Alone and wondering how the parents
afforded the house.
	―TomTheJester, Aug 2016
%
Homeless people should relocate to local Best Buy, Toys R Us, Walmart
locations for the holidays. Get line for Black Friday. Then sell their spot in
line on Thanksgiving night.
	―Drowfire, Nov 2015
%
The saying "9 to 5 type job" needs to be updated to "8 to 5 type job" for a
more accurate reflection of what working in Corporate America is like.
	―ifurmothronlyknw, Jan 2016
%
I bet people who work at the Patent Office spend a lot of time wishing they
thought of that.
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
I recognize click bait almost every time, but still want to know what that
child celebrity looks like today.
	―jeego82, Oct 2016
%
Siri or Cortana should say "uhm..." "uh..." "hm..." instead of showing a
buffering animation.
	―EverydayImShowering, Oct 2016
%
This would be the absolute perfect time to actually rob Ryan Lochte.
	―ottsteve, Aug 2016
%
The older I get, the more I pity the people who say that high school was the
best years of their life
	―actually_crazy_irl, Sep 2016
%
Now that I'm older, I realize the joke isn't that Squidward hates his job, but
that SpongeBob loves it.
	―Brickspace, Feb 2016
%
I'm lucky enough to live in a country where if I hear an air raid siren I
expect it to be followed by phat bass and a banging tune.
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
i have never seen a blind person reading a public braille sign
	―portajohnjackoff, Sep 2015
%
Amazon should have a "Secret Santa" feature, where you buy an item for a
random person who has it on their wish list.
	―MrStudentDude, Feb 2016
%
Cartoons made me think dog catchers were super common, but now I'm pretty sure
they don't even exist
	―jflem99, Jun 2016
%
My dog keeps bringing me the same toy. I wonder if that is his favorite toy,
or if he thinks it is my favorite toy.
	―HoIIabackatcha, Jan 2016
%
All my professors this semester have degrees from Harvard. So I guess I'm
getting a Harvard education.
	―TheArkLuno, May 2016
%
The moral of the Ugly Duckling is that everything was ok because he was
actually pretty
	―bluon63, Oct 2015
%
Every car should have a button for a half volume horn so I can beep at
daydreamers at the lights without sounding angry.
	―HippySol, Sep 2016
%
My dog and I are best friends despite sharing almost no interests.
	―gdeadfan, Jan 2016
%
I am more willing to go to the 12th page of pornhub than I am to the 2nd page
of google.
	―EnderWiggin3rd, Mar 2016
%
Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different
language and everyone wants to touch you. This is the life of a dog.
	―SOMEguysFRIEND, Nov 2014
%
I'm bored when I listen to a song from my personal music library, but when
it's played on the radio I get excited like it's the greatest song ever.
	―Stabler86, Aug 2015
%
I always lie on those "18 and up" websites that ask for a DOB. Not because I'm
under 18, but because I'm so old, it's a hassle to scroll to find my actual
year of birth.
	―xsp4rrow, Oct 2016
%
The scroll to find my birth year on websites is getting uncomfortably long.
	―depthandbloom, Jul 2016
%
My baby only says "baby". This is the closest I'll ever be to having a
Pokemon.
	―mazorca86, May 2016
%
Burglars must hate baby-proofed houses. Trying to rummage through drawers and
cabinets? Can't get them opened more than an inch. Television bolted to the
wall. Trying to sneak stealthily from room to room? Goddamn baby gates.
	―otterhilarity, Oct 2016
%
The first eighteen years of your life are like a free trial, and after that
it's pay to play.
	―Fuckminsterfullerene, Jul 2015
%
My 15 year old self would be appalled to hear how many times I've chosen sleep
over sex.
	―lochstimpson, Jul 2016
%
I'm a virgin. If i donated sperm the babies would technically be born of a
virgin.
	―Xtinguo, Mar 2016
%
I swallow my own saliva hundreds of times a day, but the idea of spitting into
a cup and drinking it makes me gag.
	―CrumbledFingers, Oct 2015
%
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he
just buy dinner
	―Sushi_love, Feb 2016
%
If Hell is real, mine would involve someone following me around telling me to
do things that I was already about to do..
	―hambonekneeslap, Sep 2016
%
We never wash our belts, but they are the first thing we touch after wiping
our butts.
	―r_il, Oct 2016
%
"It's not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people
involved in pyramid schemes
	―uglypanda237, Sep 2016
%
If you rip a hole in a net, there's actually fewer holes in it than it was
before
	―UtbildadNinja, Apr 2015
%
The older I get the more I envy Homer Simpson. He owns a 4bd house, has a
loving and supportive wife, and job security.
	―Zeyn1, Jan 2016
%
"I work for one of the richest companies in the world" sounds a lot better
than "I work at Walmart"
	―caseystrain, Jun 2015
%
Cats are the type of animal that, if they could, they would correct your
grammar.
	―ChiefBigwilly, Aug 2015
%
The share button on reddit should say "Spreddit"
	―xgalexyx, May 2014
%
Nightmares are fucking weird. Your brain is the author, viewer and cinema of a
horror movie whose script is probably written as you are viewing it.
	―instantpowdy, Oct 2015
%
Given that Deadpool is aware he is in a comic/movie, the best commentary track
for the BluRay would be Deadpool watching his own movie.
	―WombleArcher, Apr 2016
%
Never in my entire life have I been naked for 24 hours straight...
	―SwamiJesus, Mar 2016
%
Google maps should have a "on the way" feature to find the most convenient gas
station, Starbucks, or whatever along the route to your destination.
	―joebobmcgeeman, Sep 2014
%
Tapes had "A" and "B" sides so it only made sense to transition to "CDs"
	―duffmancantbreathe1, Sep 2016
%
Scary movies should put high pitched sounds only dogs can hear so your dog
will start acting crazy for (seemingly) no reason at the scariest parts.
	―mack1128, Oct 2015
%
When you're a kid, staying up late makes you feel like an adult. When you're
an adult, staying up late makes you feel like a kid.
	―bigandz, May 2016
%
As someone with a bad memory, I wish I could Google things that happened in my
life.
	―MN_Pups, Jul 2016
%
"Remind me to ________" is just another way of saying, "If I forget, it's your
fault too".
	―JPree, Oct 2016
%
You never realize how few original Christmas songs there are until you work in
retail and have to hear the same 6 songs sung by 10 different people in a 4 hr
shift.
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
When you step onto asphalt, you are standing on a nearly unbroken web which
extends over almost the entire continent
	―kenyonsky, Mar 2016
%
Casinos should play monopoly with actual money
	―Billobatch, Dec 2015
%
If anything terrible should ever happen to Weird Al, God forbid, there should
be a tribute concert where artists perform Al's versions of their songs.
	―stactup, Dec 2015
%
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex
Trebek questions that he always gets right.
	―BaconSheikh, Nov 2015
%
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
	―drake_n_bake, Aug 2016
%
Since the Death Star is the size of a small moon, Obi Wan and Luke were very
lucky that they docked close to the things they needed to accomplish
	―pjdurst, Apr 2016
%
For Halloween, SnapChat should add a person standing in the background only
after you take the picture.
	―moonman1324, Oct 2015
%
My dream last night had a plot twist. I "created" the plot twist, yet didn't
see it coming...
	―madezra74, Feb 2016
%
Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi are pretty pale for living on a desert
planet with two suns.
	―NomTesler, Jul 2016
%
Imagine if humans reproduced like plants. The man would be out in the open,
naked, then bees would come and jack him off and carry his sperm to the woman.
	―that_introverted_guy, Oct 2016
%
Reddit is like riding a bus. Everybody is talking at the same time so you
can't make out anything good and on the rare occasion you hear someone talk
about something interesting, that you could contribute to, it is too late and
that part of their conversation is over.
	―Theraininafrica, Aug 2015
%
When I turned 10, I realized how dumb everything I said as a young child
was. When I turned 20, I realized how dumb everything I said in my teens
was. Now I'm realizing why old people don't talk much.
	―tgoodri, Aug 2016
%
If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your
manufacturer’s warranty is over.
	―mianusman11, Sep 2016
%
Urban Dictionary is nice, but I could really use an Urban Thesaurus.
	―clarkbarniner, Apr 2016
%
The poor poor mods of almost every sub are going to have Star Wars spoiled for
them
	―Im_not_Spiderman_, Dec 2015
%
If your house burns down, there is probably a point where some food is
perfectly cooked before it's over.
	―Guenta, Feb 2016
%
I wonder if the person who fired Victoria will post about it in /r/TIFU?
	―franchise235, Jul 2015
%
After clearing your browser history, there should be an option to have it
filled with random 'normal' websites, instead of it being all empty.
	―YabbilyDoobily, Jul 2015
%
The Assassin's Creed series is going to run out of time periods where it's
normal to have large piles of hay lying around.
	―davpurr, May 2015
%
75% of reddit going dark means this is probably my best chance of ever getting
to the frontpage
	―JeLoc, Jul 2015
%
I would watch the shit out of a show called "How It Used To Be Made" about how
people in different historical periods used to make things.
	―Ellikichi, Aug 2015
%
The % of battery left on my phone at the end of a work day directly correlates
to the % of work I did during said day
	―P_apps, Aug 2015
%
If the app store had a "try before you buy" feature, I'd probably buy a lot
more apps
	―Fatkin, Sep 2016
%
It’s socially acceptable to talk about how reliant and addicted you are to a
drug as long as that drug is caffeine.
	―roseygrl98, Sep 2016
%
I don’t necessarily work ‘better under pressure’, I just literally will not
work until I am under the extreme pressure of time constraints created by my
own unnecessary procrastination.
	―captainsquidshark, Oct 2016
%
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
	―pleasantreddit, Jan 2015
%
Snapchat is ruining all the progress we made on getting people to take
horizontal videos
	―spaceman_sloth, Jun 2016
%
It's strange that the adoption process is so strict and rigorous; and yet any
two people can produce a baby with no regulation whatsoever.
	―JaseAndrews, May 2016
%
I can search the entire Internet faster than I can search my computer
	―HumanityZero, Nov 2015
%
If aliens come to earth, we have to explain why we made dozens of movies in
which we fight and kill them
	―sKnochenbrecher, Jul 2016
%
As someone who was born well after Nixon's Presidency, I have learned more
about him through Futurama than anything else.
	―Knot4Every1, Jun 2016
%
Now that I'm 25, I'm finally old enough to play a high schooler on TV.
	―which_tab, May 2016
%
My resume is really just a list of things I hope I never have to do again.
	―Cauterberri, Mar 2016
%
A cell phone doesn’t seem that heavy till you drop it on your face while
laying down.
	―JackCrow1995, Sep 2016
%
Outer space is 50 miles up. Canada is 200 miles north. I'm closer to outer
space than I am to Canada.
	―_dusklight_, Dec 2015
%
Technology didn't make our society shittier, it just exposed all of the shitty
things in our society.
	―PuppiesAndTea, Dec 2015
%
When I lost a tooth as a child the Tooth Fairy brought me a dollar. When I
lose a tooth as an adult the Tooth Demon takes away $1,000!
	―jaspersurfer, Jun 2016
%
The speed of light is 186000 miles per second. My car is 8 years old and just
hit 186000 miles. So it took my car 8 years to travel as far as light does in
a second.
	―The_Faceless_Lion, Apr 2016
%
Bear Grylls should take the spoiled rich kids from MTV's My Super Sweet 16 to
live in the wild and name the show "Grylls Scouts"
	―muffhug, Jan 2015
%
There are seven year olds in America who have never had a white president
	―get_ripped_boy, Feb 2015
%
I've used my driver's license more to buy alcohol than to prove I'm a
registered driver.
	―Schindlerz-Fist, Oct 2015
%
I find it so hard to think "sassy" or "rude" little children are cute. Because
I know they are just mimicking their parents who are probably major assholes.
	―Ennyui, Jul 2016
%
As an adult, I no longer masturbate because I'm horny. It's either to relieve
stress or because im bored.
	―Ssttaavvii, Sep 2016
%
Phone numbers in movies should be real numbers that just play commercials for
upcoming movies by the same studio
	―BedWedOrBehead, Mar 2016
%
If opposites attract, I should be dating a gorgeous, billionaire supermodel
that has a loving family.
	―oppleTANK, Jul 2016
%
Despite being an "island", Antarctica has no south coast. Only one big North
coast.
	―Itanagon, May 2015
%
If I save up all my dryer lint, I could spin it back into yarn and knit myself
a sweater that's the average color of my entire wardrobe.
	―Tommy84, Jun 2015
%
I don't text or call people. I'm paying $70 a month to look at memes on the
go.
	―Predatormagnet, Jun 2016
%
The engineer who invented automatic doors is eternally the greatest gentleman
	―IndigoMonica, May 2016
%
I hope that when Donald Trump dies he gets cremated and the guy working the
oven says "You're fired" and laughs.
	―Toxic_Axon, Mar 2015
%
When I'm in a hurry every slow or easy going driver pisses me off. When I'm
not in a hurry every aggressive driver pisses me off.
	―metallidog, Mar 2016
%
They should stop selling razors by gender and start selling them by which part
of the body you are shaving. i.e. Groin razors, face razors, leg razors
	―Rhin0Bug, Jul 2016
%
When I get in my car, I'm always surprised how loud I liked to listen to music
yesterday.
	―YouFuckingJerk, Jul 2016
%
Your stomach thinks all potato is mashed.
	―MayoFetish, Oct 2013
%
Family guy should have hidden a bunch of different kids that looked like
Quagmire in each episode.
	―m12123, Aug 2016
%
If my boss handed me my hourly wage in cash every hour I'd probably appreciate
my job a lot more
	―11181514, Oct 2016
%
The older I get the more I realize, the professional world is extremely
unprofessional.
	―tweeblethescientist, Feb 2016
%
There should be a Tinder for friends. I don't care about getting laid, but I'd
really like a friend to play board games or go hiking with.
	―aggibridges, Apr 2016
%
"Taking candy from a baby" would actually be a responsible thing to do.
	―u8eR, Mar 2015
%
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9
AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
	―mac-0, Mar 2016
%
I haven't heard a damn thing about acid rain since high school.
	―LandPirateDude, Feb 2016
%
I will be remembered by less people than a gorilla when I die
	―mourato, Aug 2016
%
Humans spend the first 18 (or more) years of their lives getting caught up to
speed about what the other humans have been doing for the past few thousand
years
	―shbababa, Mar 2015
%
If my data is used to stream an advertisement I should get paid for it.
	―Kuugjuaq, Sep 2016
%
The human body is really quiet for everything it does.
	―toasterdisciple, Sep 2015
%
Whenever someone talks about a sexual experience on Reddit I always imagine
the people involved as being really hot, but they're most likely not at all.
	―phizzman, Jul 2016
%
I just got a book (made of tree) and put it in gift wrap (made of tree). Then
I wrote a card in pencil (made of more trees) to put it in an envelope
(another tree) and put it all under a goddamned TREE.
	―BenjiBenjiB, Dec 2014
%
The fact that since our skins weren't warm enough, we stole the skins of other
animals and wore them instead, is pretty creepy.
	―aerovistae, Jan 2016
%
Anyone notice the irony behind "hyphenated" and "non-hyphenated"?
	―IwishIwereaPineapple, Jan 2015
%
Big supermarkets should have baskets placed around the store for that moment
when I realize I can't carry another thing and should have got a basket
	―newversion2_0, Aug 2016
%
If Homer Simpson were a Democratic congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he'd be
"Homer Simpson (D-OH)".
	―Nulono, Dec 2013
%
I'm quitting smoking because my niece told me that she wants me to "be around
as long as possible". If I get hit by a bus tomorrow I am going to be so
pissed off that I fell for her sentimental crap.
	―jmk4422, Aug 2015
%
Of Course France Would be the First Country to Actually Have a Fashion Police
	―ring_bear, Aug 2016
%
The witches from Sabrina having a cat called Salem is like a Jewish family
with a cat called Auschwitz.
	―OldMikeyboy, Mar 2014
%
Never once have I sent an email from my iPhone and thought, "I should tell
this person that I sent this from my iPhone."
	―alexandergunther, Aug 2016
%
The only reason that "shower thoughts" is even a thing is because showering is
one of the very rare times that it is impossible to have your face buried in
the Internet, thus enabling your capability for abstract and creative thought.
	―AprilLudgate-Dwyer, Aug 2015
%
Letting your date use your phone charger, even though you're at 25%, is the
21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a puddle.
	―whattheflark53, Aug 2015
%
Why can't we just have 13 months in a year? 365 ÷ 13 ≈ 28 days in a month,
meaning each month would have four 7 day weeks. It's so perfect.
	―TigTrivers, Oct 2016
%
Pharoahs convincing people they were gods and that taxes should go to building
the world's largest fucking buildings for them to die in was the original
pyramid scheme
	―Regularoldballoon, Jul 2016
%
If I was teleported to the middle ages, I'd have no idea how to recreate any
current technology.
	―KassHS, Mar 2016
%
Every time you clog a toilet you've exceeded someone's expectations
	―Bourbon_hero, Apr 2016
%
The term ASAP is quite aggressive when used, but when you break it down to
what it actually means it sounds quite reasonable.
	―TheFriendlyRoast, May 2016
%
I've seen Mars with my own eyes, but not Japan.
	―CGFROSTY, Oct 2016
%
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying
for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
	―planetsalic, Oct 2016
%
Harry Potter named his kids like some geek who is obsessed with Harry Potter.
	―adeebchowdhury, Mar 2016
%
If a bigger car implies a smaller penis, and larger shoes imply a larger
penis, then clowns must have massive dicks.
	―lennyoliy, Nov 2015
%
"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss
people" is a quote that discusses people.
	―ActuallyNotSnoopDogg, May 2015
%
The average student learns calculus at a slightly younger age than when Isaac
Newton discovered it.
	―meltman2, Nov 2015
%
When a browser asks "Would you like to remember this password?" there ought to
be a button that says "Only if it works".
	―graaahh, Mar 2015
%
One day someone will use "I thought I was still in VR" as a criminal defense
	―TurtleInATracksuit, Apr 2016
%
In the movie Terminator 2, the Terminator and the T-1000 talking on the phone
were two AI machines trying to convince each other that they were human.
	―Deckardzz, Dec 2015
%
My dog understand several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He
may be smarter than me.
	―RAYMOND_SCOTT, Sep 2016
%
I love how television has redefined the word 'marathon' to the exact opposite
of physical exercise
	―insomniaca, Mar 2016
%
When Apple released the iPhone 7, they should have played "Hit The Road, Jack"
in the commercials.
	―6IronInfidel9, Sep 2016
%
People who don't sleep enough die sooner. People who do, sleep through that
extra time.
	―Kunikaz, Nov 2015
%
At a 27.44mph top speed, it is illegal for Usain Bolt to run in a school zone
	―swaggermint, Feb 2015
%
I like reading comments because it's like a conversation between people, but
it's not weird if I just listen and don't add anything.
	―Non_Tompos_Mentis, Sep 2016
%
Touch-free soap dispensers are pretty pointless if the soap actually works.
	―AbeLincolnsFreckles, Aug 2015
%
If an asteroid wiped out humanity, burying our bodies far beneath the surface,
under huge pressure and heat for milllions of years, turning us into oil. What
are the chances of intelligent species coming to life, extracting us, molding
us into colorful shafts that pleasure their genitals?
	―neutrns13, Oct 2016
%
When I watched That 70's Show as a teen, I related to Eric and his quest for
sex and acceptance among his peers. Now, watching as an adult, I relate to
Red's struggle to support his family and his general dislike of people.
	―Andius, Jan 2016
%
If you would mount garbage trucks with camera's you could weekly update google
maps street view.
	―impreson, Sep 2014
%
I have no physical evidence that today is Sunday, I just take everyone's word
for it that they've kept count since the first one ever.
	―playitagainzak_, Feb 2016
%
I have an undergrad degree in math. I wonder how far back in time I have to go
to be considered the world's greatest mathematician
	―pikindaguy, Jan 2016
%
I don't wish to be rich to have a bunch of fancy things, I wish to be rich so
I don't have to worry about being poor.
	―Spindrift27, Oct 2016
%
A resume is really just a list of places i don't want to work at again
	―smarterthansheldon, Oct 2016
%
95% of the time when I think food smells great it's just onion and/or garlic
cooking.
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
In Stuart Little, the Little family walked into an orphanage, looked at ever
child there, and decided on a rodent.
	―mattacular2001, Dec 2015
%
You know you are no longer a child when getting money causes relief instead of
excitement.
	―Toughguy19, Oct 2016
%
Seasoned players of Monopoly know the real aim is to get defeated as quickly
as possible to escape the table.
	―Breeze_in_the_Trees, Aug 2016
%
The only difference between Hoarders and Extreme Couponing seems to be
shelving units.
	―Lord_of__the_Fries, Apr 2016
%
In Japan, radiation creates monsters (Godzilla) and in America radiation
creates superheroes
	―XCosmicBananaX, May 2015
%
If today I asked a girl A/S/L and she responded with "?" I would immediately
know she was too young for me
	―MarchChristmasTree, Mar 2016
%
If there's a mean dog or a wild horse in a movie, they have to train an animal
to act untrained.
	―WaywardChilton, May 2016
%
By midday browsing Reddit just becomes a game of Which Unclicked Link Sounds
the Least Shitty.
	―ViewAskewed, Aug 2015
%
Once she hits a certain age, calling a female a "big girl" goes from being a
compliment to an insult.
	―oakleez, Oct 2016
%
Buying someone reddit gold is like walking around in a store with your buddies
and giving the manager $4 when your friend says something particularly funny
or insightful.
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
Starting task manager is like a parent saying "don't make me get the belt"
	―Bluebybluegreen, Sep 2016
%
Right now, "Friends" could be rebroadcast as, "That 90s Show."
	―JacPhlash, Feb 2016
%
If eHarmony is so good why would you need a year subscription?
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
Taylor Swifts "You belong with me" is just a gender swapped 'nice guy' rant.
	―princewinter, Jul 2016
%
I add "reddit" after every question I search on Google because I trust you all
more than other strangers
	―PseudoStegosaurus, Sep 2016
%
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a
kid years later and tell you you're the mom.
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
I have never seen someone write the letter "a" with how it is shown in most
fonts. I have only seen it written as "ɑ."
	―Bruss48, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if my cursor has passed over every pixel on my computer screen
	―LinkinPlayground, Dec 2015
%
If a burglar broke into my house at night, I'm sure they'd give up after the
fourth baby gate.
	―67_Mopar, Jul 2016
%
Sometimes I complain about how boring my life is while riding around in a
metal machine that runs on explosions.
	―derpstrike, Oct 2016
%
Every Facebook memory is a reminder of how dumb I was a few years ago
	―EverydayRamblin, Oct 2016
%
You don't truly appreciate how good it is to not be sick until you get sick.
	―eliX_au, Sep 2016
%
The most suspicious thing you can bring on an airplane is a parachute
	―TheMiddleManz, May 2016
%
The Hobbit was a book about the dangers of greed. The Hobbit films were ruined
because of greed.
	―Fly_By_Orchestra, Jun 2016
%
Mosquitoes are grossly overlooked as a threat during the zombie apocalypse.
	―Shemp-Howard, Jan 2016
%
When the older generations says this generation is terrible, they're really
saying they sucked as parents.
	―KushTheKitten, Sep 2016
%
If my job was to browse reddit I would probably spend less time on reddit at
work.
	―smileedude, Feb 2016
%
Google maps should have an "I need gas" feature. This button would re-direct
your route through the nearest gas station.
	―btg7471, Jan 2016
%
If immortality becomes a thing... I'm going to quit my job and become a
divorce attorney.
	―imgonnabeatit, May 2016
%
Why don't jedis turn off their opponents lightsabers by force pressing the
button?
	―IntensePlatypus, Dec 2015
%
Botox could be considered a performance enhancing drug for poker players
	―sactomkiii, Feb 2016
%
Google Earth gives You the opportunity to go and see anywhere in the
world... so what you do? You go and look at your house.
	―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016
%
When I was a single guy who played video games all the time, all I wanted was
a girlfriend. Now, as a married guy, all I want is to be able to play video
games all the time.
	―johnjalex, Nov 2015
%
Every home has a smell that you can't smell when it's your home
	―paulalinchen, Aug 2016
%
Why hasn't anyone strapped some cameras onto a sperm whale? They regularly
dive into the deepest parts of the ocean and supposedly fight giant squids.
	―MordorsFinest, Jul 2015
%
I'm pretty sure I've spanked my wife more than her parents ever did.
	―jewy33, Apr 2016
%
Every time a wind farm powers my desk fan, I'm just teleporting wind.
	―frighteninginthedark, Sep 2016
%
My body probably thinks I'm some super Alpha-Male who eats a lot of high fat
foods and "impregnates" women multiple times a day.
	―WarOnErrorism, May 2016
%
If there were people who could read minds, they would hear an awful lot of
songs, sung with incorrect words, and likely very out of tune or rhythm.
	―fairysdad, Mar 2016
%
Whenever I yell at my dog to stop barking, he probably thinks "Awesome now
we're both barking".
	―Rumbledore9, Mar 2016
%
Whenever I fuck up bad, I just remember that somewhere, an ant just brought
borax laced food back to his queen and killed his entire family.
	―Rufiodies, Aug 2016
%
When I was a small child, my grandmother showed me love by playing along with
my make believe games. Now that she is older and has dementia it is my turn to
show love by playing along with hers.
	―Flowsephine, Jun 2016
%
Rio's pollution and water contamination, coupled with the fact that the
world's strongest and fastest human beings have convened there, makes for a
terrifying zombie apocalypse scenario.
	―HockeyZombie36, Aug 2016
%
There should be a college course where you're REQUIRED to bring your
smartphone to the the exams in order to find answers to the questions (in
topics you've never studied before), because quickly finding information
available online is an important life skill to have.
	―coday182, Sep 2016
%
Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We
are reverting to the era of pocket watches.
	―SirTickleTots, Oct 2014
%
I prefer reading dumb comments on Reddit rather then Facebook because I don't
feel sad that my friend are so stupid
	―picklewhisky, Apr 2016
%
Somewhere out there is a factory that makes dildos. Workers spend long hours
on the dildo machine, toiling to support their families. Quality control
inspectors ensure every dildo is made to spec. Engineers ensure dildo
production is lean and efficient. Managers review quarterly dildo profits.
	―Has_No_Gimmick, Oct 2016
%
Condoms are one of the most environmentally friendly things invented by man. A
single one has the potential to eliminate the carbon emissions of an entire
human over the course of their lifetime.
	―zoomer296, Apr 2016
%
Most people's first word of the year is "happy".
	―hyperbolicjosine, Dec 2014
%
What the hell does a golfer do when they retire? Most people retire then take
up golf.
	―extreme_matt, May 2016
%
The charity I donated $10 to a few years back has now fully spend my money by
sending me cards asking me to donate more
	―AntarcticSeal, Jul 2016
%
Going to bed 10 minutes earlier doesn't seem like anything but sleeping in 10
minutes feels like everything.
	―XFX_Samsung, Oct 2016
%
The most unrealistic thing about Grand Theft Auto is that the hospital visits
are only $250
	―kmad, Aug 2016
%
Saying "I've lost the stylus for my tablet" would have also made sense 2000
years ago
	―That_Guy_But, Apr 2015
%
If you're no longer covered by your parent's health insurance, your
manufacturer's warranty is over
	―hexagonz, Sep 2014
%
New Horizons traveled 3 billion miles to Pluto before Tool was able to
complete a new album.
	―saxman76, Jul 2015
%
There should be a TL;DR on terms and conditions
	―Pgrol, Oct 2016
%
They should remake shitty movies instead of good ones.
	―ChuckBronsoncomedy, May 2016
%
I have never seen a plus sized male model
	―infectedzombieguy, Feb 2016
%
Every time I check my pockets for my wallet, keys, and phone, I do 25% of the
macarena.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar, and now The Martian are all about saving
Matt Damon
	―KingKrampas, Oct 2015
%
Dr Seuss would have had a hell of a time trying to write his stories with
autocorrect
	―JustAlexander, Sep 2016
%
How is it that facebook can recognize faces, cars can almost drive themselves,
but the vending machine still can't read my dollar bill if it has a wrinkle?
	―SlyFoxC, Oct 2016
%
Parents spend the first 20 years scaring their kids into not getting pregnant,
and the next 20 wondering why they won't.
	―[deleted], Jul 2015
%
It must suck to be a butterfly on super windy day. "Oh, I guess I'm going this
way now."
	―PantherLack, Jul 2016
%
Maybe instead of thinking "if you can't handle me at my worst you don't
deserve me at my best", you should think "You were with me at my worst so I
want to give you my best."
	―crazycatlady42, Aug 2016
%
IMDB should have a "can be confused for" section for actors.
	―InspecterJones, Mar 2016
%
In the last 5 years, I've gone from thinking "Please don't hit me" at
approaching traffic as a pedestrian to "Go ahead and hit me, I don't want to
work anymore."
	―Lord_Snow9899, Aug 2016
%
If horses were carnivorous. They'd be fucking terrifying.
	―Aman3003, Jan 2016
%
On Reddit you're never sure if you're talking to a world expert in their field
or a 15-year-old boy
	―The-Potato-Lord, Jun 2016
%
If you've had sex with less then 12 people, then having sex with you is a more
exclusive club then walking on the moon
	―Gummy4, Mar 2016
%
There should be a reverse-Yelp that warns businesses about shitty customers.
	―ben123111, Oct 2016
%
I can readily find videos of people being brutally beaten and murdered on
youtube but if I use 30 seconds of a song my account gets terminated.
	―t3hPoundcake, Mar 2016
%
I'll give a million dollars to the man who can do something about
motherfucking webpages moving an inch just before I click something so I hit
the wrong link.
	―Miles_Prowess, Jun 2016
%
Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice.
	―followmylied, Jul 2016
%
The laugh track in "How I Met Your Mother" would make more sense if it were
two kids laughing, rather than a studio audience.
	―medhop, Mar 2015
%
Breaking Bad could have aired in the year 2000. Walter White never once uses a
computer, Jesse Pinkman uses a flip phone, and videos are shared between
characters through DVDs.
	―Inovox, Mar 2016
%
"Netflix and chill" has to be one of the largest unintentional ad campaigns in
history
	―HS_Highruleking, Oct 2015
%
Should I trust a pet shampoo that says it hasn't been tested on animals?
	―penguinofspades, Apr 2016
%
I wonder if, in past times, the space on Earth currently being occupied by my
kitchen was the site of an epic life-or-death battle between two giant
dinosaurs.
	―bubonis, Jan 2016
%
Two babies born at the same time on different sides of the world would have
different birthdays.
	―ellosmello, Sep 2016
%
Why does my brain assume that new gadgets are delicate but as they get older
they become stronger
	―Astalapista, Aug 2016
%
"How It's Made," always showing the assembly line machines, should do a show
on how the assembly line machines are made.
	―MadShepherd, Oct 2016
%
Instead of a reboot, Ghostbusters should have been Bill Murray in a retirement
home, dealing with the ghosts there.
	―Psyche_Siren, Mar 2016
%
We should get a notification every time someone attempts to create an account
with our username, so we can feel good about ourselves for getting there first
	―ArkLuno, Aug 2015
%
The witches from the show "Sabrina" have a cat named Salem. That's like a
Jewish family having a cat named Auschwitz.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
I wonder if the Reddit offices are full of cubicle workers who are constantly
surfing websites about insurance, banking, and other office stuff when they're
supposed to be looking at Reddit threads.
	―Romobyl, Jun 2015
%
The Onion must be pissed because they can't come up with anything about Donald
Trump that's funnier than his real life.
	―Sir_Bocks, Jul 2015
%
In FBI shows, cops are incompetent unskilled simpletons who just get in the
way. In Cop shows, the FBI are bureaucratic incompetent simpletons who just
get in the way.
	―Charlie_Juliet, Aug 2015
%
I need self-tinting glasses, which get darker the longer someone talks to me.
	―bildschirmspiel, Oct 2016
%
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me,
and then thought "nah".
	―daedriKARMAr, Sep 2015
%
I wish there was a Facebook feature to "Hide this person for one
month"... Give them a time out for being annoying without writing them off
entirely.
	―harpacticoid, Jan 2016
%
If we ever end up settling on a planet with low gravity, boobs will stay
perkier much longer.
	―Whodat1225, Feb 2016
%
The Powerpuff girls get their power from Chemical X, as in the X
Chromosome. Their power is girl power.
	―GreatPierre, Aug 2015
%
Its odd that PornHub's comment section is less dumb and more friendly than
YouTube's
	―Wolfy21_, Dec 2015
%
Youtube should have a "Never show me this channel ever again, not even in my
searches" button.
	―Bledalot, Feb 2016
%
If Stanley Kubrick DID direct the moon landing, he would probably be so
perfectionist he had them film on location anyway.
	―MintSM, Apr 2016
%
I used to take breaks from work to read Reddit, now I take breaks from Reddit
to do work.
	―flightofthenochords, Aug 2016
%
The Lego Batman movie will probably be the best reviewed DC film in a long
time.
	―Baconshaman, Sep 2016
%
What if every country has ninjas, but we only know about the Japanese ones
because they’re rubbish?
	―DJ-2000, Aug 2014
%
"I make $30,000 a year" sounds totally different than "I will sell you an hour
of my life for $14".
	―Hardlymd, Mar 2016
%
Netflix revives shows based on how many streams they get. I can't believe I'm
not personally responsible for a Futurama revival already.
	―poopedinthechili, Sep 2016
%
People go to jail for not paying taxes and then our taxes pay for them to be
in jail
	―L21M, Aug 2016
%
I wish I could wipe current thoughts from my mind like I can close running
apps on my phone.
	―PotatorAid, Apr 2016
%
Antibiotics could be considered a performance enhancing drug at this year's
Olympics.
	―fourreeler, Aug 2016
%
The McRib is the deadbeat dad of fast food sandwiches. It disappears for
months at a time and then we're supposed to get all excited when it shows back
up again.
	―MrCSquared, Nov 2015
%
Reddit is the only place where I read the comments on a news article instead
of reading the article.
	―PetNature, Jul 2015
%
R/Creepy should continue to show up on your front page even after you
unsubscribe
	―littlemissstick, Apr 2015
%
When people don’t sit next to me on public transit I feel both slightly
relieved and slightly rejected.
	―Jack_leon25, Aug 2016
%
My Facebook password is 14 characters with a capitalized letter and two
numbers... my bank pin # is 4 digits
	―billshakespeare2, Nov 2015
%
Slow wifi pisses me off more than no wifi at all
	―northerndownpours, May 2016
%
I would rather click through 10 different websites to find one list than click
through 10 slides on one website
	―Jessie_James, Jan 2016
%
Fingerless gloves are now perfectly sensible for Pokémon trainers to wear.
	―MongoMango110, Jul 2016
%
Gorillas don't know any bodybuilding techniques so we have probably never seen
one at full potential.
	―Firvulag, Jun 2014
%
The most tragic victims of irony are the trees cut down to make copies of The
Lorax.
	―Ghostaire, Jun 2015
%
The progress bar for 'safe to enter Chernobyl' hit 1% today.
	―ZyklonBae, Apr 2016
%
I'm not hungry after I eat, horny after sex, or thirsty after a drink. So why
then fuck am I so tired after sleeping?
	―thunderweasel18, Sep 2016
%
Deodorant companies should stop advertising "last 48 hrs". Some people do
believe that and then they get on a crowded bus.
	―salomont, Jun 2016
%
Afromans 'Because I got High' taught me more accurate consequences of
marijuana than anything they said in school
	―YeahNah73, Oct 2015
%
Every picture I take is a "before meth" picture
	―Sundevil13, Oct 2016
%
I think I've masturbated more times in my life than I've flossed.
	―Hipp013, Nov 2015
%
The lottery is a great example of how if everyone just pitched in a couple
dollars, how much money could be accumulated to get something big done.
	―Skootchy, Jan 2016
%
I want to see a movie where machines gain intelligence and go to war with
humanity, only to be defeated when some guy deletes a single semi-colon from
their code.
	―Zorigami, Mar 2016
%
I wish Jon Stewart would just do a one-hour The Monthly Show with Jon
Stewart. Even if its from his living room and he's wearing sweatpants.
	―dudeman_chino, Aug 2015
%
If pirates in media today are any indication, 300 years from now children's
shows will have loveable, goofy jihadi terrorist characters.
	―ElZanco, Apr 2016
%
The White Power Ranger doesn't sound like a character for a kids television
show.
	―Mrben13, Jul 2015
%
In high school, I was jealous of the girls who only dated college guys. Then I
got into college and saw the guys who only dated high school girls.
	―BrainGoesPop, Aug 2015
%
I imagine my browser eye-rolling everytime I open a new incognito tab
	―Bennas15, Feb 2016
%
Since "Finding Nemo" led to a decline in the clownfish population from people
wanting them as pets, Disney should make a movie about elderly, disabled, or
otherwise "less desirable" pets
	―superfunatparties, May 2016
%
There's a big bag of deadly acid in the middle of my body and I'm supposed to
be totally okay with that.
	―Treeaza, May 2016
%
Why is Homer Simpson considered a professional failure? He is able to support
a whole family in their own house as the sole earner.
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
I want to see a member of the opposite sex with the same attractiveness as me
so I can see what I'm workin' with
	―Obsessive_Tendencies, Oct 2016
%
They could replace the entire D.A.R.E. program with single viewing of Requiem
for a Dream, and it would be more effective.
	―Mr_Zero, Jul 2015
%
If our ISP's cap data, ads should be considered theft.
	―DildoDouchBaggins, Nov 2015
%
I never realize how explicit my music is until my parents hear it in the car.
	―sms1234, Aug 2016
%
The average cost of a pack of smokes is approximately 9.05. At last check, a
12-pack of socks at Walmart was $10. Therefore, if I quit smoking, I could put
on, and then throw away, 11 brand new pairs of socks a day.
	―volitant, Mar 2015
%
No girls on my Facebook feed have posted pictures of themselves dressed as
Harley Quinn for Halloween and I'm pretty sure it's the internet's fault for
pre-shaming them.
	―giantsquid850, Oct 2016
%
Chat roulette should shadowban masturbating men by secretly connecting them
only to other shadowbanned people.
	―-Mikee, Jun 2015
%
People who say "money doesn't buy happiness" have probably never had to check
their bank account before buying things like gas.
	―vault_dweller1031, Oct 2016
%
I would cause gigantic family rifts and break lifelong friendships if I
commented on Facebook like I do on Reddit.
	―Notbritannia, Feb 2016
%
We should change the official date of halloween from the 31st to the last
saturday of October.
	―SomePoorAfricanChild, Oct 2016
%
The less someone posts on facebook, the more I think they have a life.
	―hstheay, Aug 2016
%
What if Earth is like the North Korea of the solar system and all the other
planets are inhabited, but we are kept from the truth, and our world leaders
are viewed as cruel and oppressive by the other planets.
	―A_Disgrace, Sep 2016
%
I should have grown my hair really long in my 20's, then cut it off and saved
it for use in a custom toupee now that I'm older and bald.
	―MelAlton, Dec 2015
%
Eminem always worried about his daughter not fitting in because of his
explicit rapping. A clean-rapping father didn't seem to help Jaden Smith fit
in at all
	―MrRykler, Jan 2016
%
IF YOU TYPE SOMETHING ALL IN CAPS ACCIDENTALLY, you should be able to
highlight said text and reverse it by hitting the caps lock key.
	―LOTRcrr, Jan 2015
%
The massive amount of gay sex that will happen tonight will have absolutely no
effect on the birthrate in 9 months
	―random5924, Jun 2015
%
People who say "If you can't love yourself, then nobody can" are indirectly
saying "Nobody loves you" to people with low self-esteem
	―FresherTyp, Aug 2016
%
Two decades ago, our internet couldn't work without our phones. Today our
phones can't work without the internet.
	―adityadragoniyer, Feb 2015
%
The NSFW tag doesn't change if I view a post at work, just the angle I hold my
phone when I view it.
	―FamousNameless16, Mar 2016
%
Once cell phones became prevalent, water balloons went from being mostly
harmless to fairly detrimental.
	―Permanentbarker, Mar 2016
%
Just hearing that Congress passed a 2000+ page budget bill with 2 days to read
it makes me think they sign legislation like I agree to license agreements.
	―Defreshs10, Jan 2016
%
Whenever I see/hear someone blaring music from their car, I instantly think
'douche bag'. When I do it, I figure everyone thinks 'there goes a guy with a
great taste in music, what a legend!'.
	―Beerismygame, Sep 2016
%
Wile E. Coyote is an embarrassment to his species. Coyotes can max out at
roughly 43 mph but roadrunners top out at 20
	―rainbowdashtheawesom, Sep 2016
%
A successful marriage ends with watching the other person die.
	―LugerLynx, Oct 2015
%
From a wookie's perspective, Chewbacca is the handsome rogue and Han is the
dumb sidekick communicating in animal noises.
	―Hrtzy, May 2016
%
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few
animals that can make its own custard.
	―x32ssuck, Jan 2016
%
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a
scam.
	―Jorogasm, Feb 2016
%
The more interracial sex we have, the less interracial sex we can have.
	―djoodlesofnoodles, Nov 2015
%
Gandalf forced a party on Bilbo to get rid of all his food so he wouldn't have
a rotten pantry when he came back.
	―TOMBO-D, Dec 2015
%
I spend more time staring at my speedometer to make sure I'm not speeding in a
school zone than actually watching for children in the street
	―stagnantgorillafart, Sep 2015
%
As a 20 year old man I still don't feel confident enough to brush my teeth in
the shirt I plan on wearing today.
	―Greenguy1996, Oct 2016
%
Every paper towel commercial reminds me that the cleanest solution is to just
not have children.
	―itemforty, Aug 2015
%
Pandora should have a *"I like this song but not this version"* button.
	―josephalbright1, Aug 2016
%
I owed blockbuster late fees. My game plan of waiting them out worked.
	―wegotseoul, Mar 2015
%
I can't believe a James Bond movie didn't come out in 2007
	―Mischlecht, Jul 2015
%
Sponges are weird. They're artificial now, but in the past people would pluck
animals out of the ocean and use them to wash dishes and stuff. That seems
like something you'd do in the Flintstones.
	―Gg101, Mar 2016
%
They should put a tiny message at the end of chapstick tubes congratulating
you for not losing the damn thing.
	―Jabroni0530, Feb 2015
%
When a pregnant woman swims, she is a human submarine.
	―heavywafflezombie, Jul 2014
%
Once everybody has a fast 3D printer, sending dicpics is going be a completely
different proposition.
	―Smartnership, May 2016
%
If 13 year old me knew that 30 year old me was still watching South Park, he
would be so fucking happy
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
I never see the FBI anti-piracy warnings anymore because most of the movies I
watch are pirated.
	―tylerdanger, Sep 2015
%
Browsing Reddit has made me so accustomed to instant gratification that I find
myself annoyed when I click something that turns out to be YouTube link.
	―MiscUnderstanding, Jan 2016
%
The date 9/10/2016 is still 9/10/2016 if you rotate it 180 degrees.
	―_kgan, Sep 2016
%
Most of the time when I lie, it is because the truth takes too long to
explain.
	―oracham, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if, through evolution, rain sounds are "soothing" at night because
there's less of a chance of predators in a storm
	―jonesyjonesy, Oct 2015
%
The real annoyance with the loss of a headphones jack is that assholes will
feel even less scrupulous to openly play sound in the bus.
	―somebodybutnotyou, Sep 2016
%
The older I get, the less crazy I think my high school history teacher was for
moving him and his family to New Zealand and starting a farm.
	―S0journer, Sep 2016
%
/r/mildlyinteresting has more subscribers than /r/interesting, suggesting the
former is more interesting than the latter
	―Gyrro, Aug 2015
%
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the
internet
	―ZeusThunder369, Oct 2015
%
I wish Trey Parker had the time to do a Randy Marsh podcast. I feel like I'd
love to listen to Randy interview celebrities and talk current events for some
reason.
	―mikenice1, Jan 2016
%
The MythBusters expense report must look dodgy as hell to the IRS
	―noftha, Nov 2015
%
My standard of living is far greater than that of a king in medieval times.
	―CrunchyChristmas, Jan 2016
%
Tiger Woods is a terrifying golf opponent, but an even more terrifying golf
location
	―Pastyourbedtime, Apr 2016
%
Centaurs have two rib cages
	―thetoethumb, Feb 2014
%
Yesterday my Steam account turned 9 years old. Eventually my steam account
will be older than the people I am playing against.
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
If I'm high enough to think my dog thinks I smoke too much, he's probably
right.
	―OhGodtheAssSpiders, Oct 2015
%
The guy who made Super Size Me should've done it during a Monopoly sweepstakes
	―HAVE_MRSA, Apr 2016
%
Based on genital structure, skirts should really be worn by men and pants by
women.
	―Notmiefault, Mar 2015
%
Teach a Parrot to say Parrot and you basically have a Pokémon
	―ekclone, Mar 2016
%
Checking the "remember my password" box on a website unchecks the "remember my
password" box in my head.
	―stylistic_, Jun 2016
%
As a 30 year old father, I'm horrified that my parents were forced to raise me
without Google.
	―duckduckduckmoose, Jul 2016
%
After centuries of seeing their colonies declare independence, the UK wanted
to try it out.
	―onebigwaffle, Jun 2016
%
Skipping any links that are videos instead of gifs brings me to a whole new
level of laziness that I never knew existed.
	―TheDopeShowLS, Mar 2016
%
The reason people ask questions they could easily Google is because they'd
rather have a conversation about it.
	―TheHeroicOnion, Sep 2016
%
Social media sites should add a "grace period" so if you like the wrong post
by accident, you can immediately unlike it without the person getting a
notification.
	―Koolaidguy541, Aug 2016
%
Every cell in my body knows how to replicate DNA yet i'm not in on it so i
have to spend hours studying it.
	―loveyouAmerica, Aug 2016
%
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
	―Maxaraxa, Oct 2016
%
I've always wanted to be able to hear English and not understand it.
	―voltox3, Mar 2016
%
Netflix needs a "Never show me this again" button
	―Madmagican-, Oct 2016
%
I'm positive there is someone out there on Reddit who subscribes to the exact
same subreddits as I do and we would be very good friends.
	―washufeezee, Oct 2016
%
Our ultimate goal is to make as many people as sad as possible when we die.
	―Sepiac, Aug 2015
%
If super heroes were real, I doubt they'd spend as much time in 1st World
Countries, like they do in the comics.
	―Jimothy_Riggins, Sep 2015
%
If Big Alcohol and Big Pharma are the villains of weed legalization, then Big
Snack and Big Water should be the heroes
	―AluJack, Sep 2016
%
If Steve Jobs was reincarnated into a Chinese family he would be old enough to
be making iphones now.
	―purpledesperado, Mar 2016
%
I'm an organ donor. If I die tomorrow, my death will be cause for major
celebration for a total stranger.
	―mahler5mahler5, Jan 2016
%
When I first drank Bud Light, I didn't really like it because I didn't like
beer. Now, I don't really like it because I like beer.
	―TrustyDrusty, Feb 2016
%
As a kid, I got lectured for only doing the bare minimum to complete a
task. As an engineer, I get paid to do just that.
	―muffinpoots, Oct 2015
%
After clearing browser history, there should be an option to fill up history
with "normal" websites instead of it just being empty.
	―DVMyZone, Sep 2016
%
I just had a fajita wrap from Tim Hortons in New Jersey. That's Mexican food
from a Canadian restaurant in the United States. I just ate North America.
	―Sunuvamonkeyfiver, Apr 2016
%
We were taught as kids to not get in strangers cars or meet strangers from the
internet, and now we literally summon strangers from the internet and get in
their cars.
	―FNFollies, Sep 2016
%
Most of the sky is actually below your feet.
	―cya-KH, Mar 2016
%
Netflix is the most successful anti-piracy program ever intiated.
	―Sierraman, Feb 2015
%
If I ever lose my pinky finger, when children ask what happened I'm going to
tell them that I broke a promise.
	―punnyhuman, May 2015
%
My present self wants me to do my work later, but my future self wants me to
do it right now.
	―ParadoxWatermelon, Jan 2016
%
In exactly one month, so many people are going to learn that Steve Buscemi was
a firefighter and helped out on 9/11.
	―marlowned, Aug 2016
%
As a kid, nothing excited me more than seeing a McDonalds PlayPlace. As an
adult, nothing disgusts me more than seeing a McDonalds PlayPlace
	―porklomeinnoveg, Jul 2015
%
At the age of 28, my expected lifetime remaining is around 63%. When I see my
phones battery at 63%, I feel like its almost dead.
	―jayson88, Jul 2016
%
Maybe Flavour Flav wore a clock around his neck so the media couldn't edit his
interviews out of order, so the context is preserved.
	―jai_kasavin, Jan 2016
%
Zip code should be the first field in address section on web forms so that
City and State fields are automatically populated
	―Jgrnaut_vibe, May 2016
%
I wonder how many more views 'Never Gonna Give You Up' would have if YouTube
registered a view after only 1 second
	―_Lady_Deadpool_, Jun 2016
%
In high school, I fantasized about freezing time to touch girls' boobs. That
means I had more faith in me being able to stop time than being able to make a
girl like me.
	―abrakasam, Jun 2015
%
The last ten squares on the toilet roll should have "This is NOT enough for
the next person!" printed on them
	―isaidthisinstead, May 2016
%
I wish they'd stop remaking good movies, and instead remake bad movies that
have good concepts so they're better.
	―SkrublordPrime, Jul 2016
%
At this point, the Grand Theft Auto games would be far more controversial if
they let you play as a law enforcement officer
	―anauthor, Jul 2016
%
Police should wear red and blue light up shoes for when they have to chase
someone on foot.
	―InukChinook, Dec 2014
%
Everybody gives the movie "signs" shit for having aliens that invade a planet
that is 70% water and deadly to them, but we are trying to colonize mars and
we can't even breathe on it
	―come-on-now-please, Oct 2014
%
I don't trust people to genetically 'design' their child because I see what
they do with character creation in games.
	―Slimebeast, Jul 2016
%
Does a Centaur suck milk from horse nipples or human ones?
	―1337_IT, Nov 2015
%
The same people that need hours to text me back, are constantly on their
phones when we hang out.
	―Bertperson, Feb 2016
%
It's not surprising there are forest fires every year considering I'm the only
one who can prevent them.
	―LuckyNumberHat, Apr 2016
%
As an adult, I'll receive a £300 bill for the front tooth that I lost. As a
kid, I would receive £2 for every tooth that I lost. These were no gifts. The
Tooth Fairy is a Loan Shark.
	―Limmy92, Jul 2016
%
Reddit is like a drug. It was exciting and fun at the start, now I just do it
because it feels normal.
	―Magstem, Jul 2015
%
It's pretty rare to use an entire pen without losing it first. On the other
hand, It's pretty common to find a pen already out of ink, so it's a paradox
in a way.
	―Rotwick, Apr 2016
%
Teslas are so safe that they make headlines every time one crashes.
	―HandymanBrandon, Jun 2016
%
Do the people who pose in those stock photos in frames just buy those frames
and put them around their houses like "Here's the time I posed for a stock
picture!"
	―Misterpeople25, Nov 2015
%
Cops are like spiders. They prevent bad things, but no one wants them
around. People are scared of them. Most mind their business and do their job -
but the few which are threatening terrify us.
	―PM_ME_OR_PM_ME, May 2016
%
Instead of debates, we should give candidates three impromptu essay questions
they have to answer in three hours in 1,000 words or less, and they have to
write it, immediately and live on web cam, with no help from their interns.
	―VonnegutIce9, Sep 2016
%
Seeing as how both Batman and Ironman's only real super powers are that they
are super rich and very smart, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs sure turned out to be
disappointments.
	―ImmaculateJones, Jul 2014
%
My brain knows how to type without looking at the keyboard yet I can not draw
a QWERTY keyboard from memory.
	―jseverso42, Jan 2016
%
Humans can't even co-exist peacefully with their own kind on Earth and somehow
still manage to convince themselves that meeting an extra-terrestrial species
would go smoothly
	―Castiel333, May 2016
%
Some billionaire should give all their money to charity, start over, and call
it prestiging.
	―yatpay, Sep 2015
%
Another 4 years and "The Simpsons" will be able to play a different Halloween
episode every day of October.
	―All_Bonered_UP, Oct 2015
%
The levels of coolness associated with saying "I was in a band" vs "I was in
band, " are vastly different.
	―Steelrain01, Feb 2016
%
If it weren't for all the bullshit and scandal, I wouldn't even know the
Olympics was happening right now.
	―hoikarnage, Aug 2016
%
For the first time in history, we have produced a class of poor people who are
more likely to be obese than starving.
	―melancholyspectator, Aug 2016
%
Having someone's picture as the background of your smartphone is the modern
day equivalent of having someone's picture in your wallet.
	―Amnesiacc, Sep 2016
%
If you were to walk clockwise around the north pole, 11 miles out, you'd be
stationary and using the earth as a treadmill.
	―BovingdonBug, Feb 2016
%
I'll bet a lot of Ziploc's annual profit is provided by the illegal drug
trade.
	―ChrisWithWings, Jul 2016
%
Porn is to sex as WWE is to wrestling
	―AverageJohnson, Aug 2015
%
Taxes are like a subscription to your Country that you can't cancel, no matter
how bad the service gets.
	―Filer93, Aug 2016
%
The Olympics should give out platinum medals to anyone who breaks a world
record
	―I_enjoy_avocados, Aug 2015
%
Is cutting off Mike Wazowski's legs the same thing as beheading him?
	―DKBetiza, Apr 2016
%
There is no time I have ever thought, 'Oh awesome, iTunes opened itself.'
	―loveCards, Oct 2014
%
When you buy a bigger bed you have more bed room and less bedroom.
	―DrJekl, Mar 2016
%
What if planet Earth is the "Noah's Ark" of the Galaxy and that's why we can't
find life on other planets, it was destroyed long ago.
	―drspankinya, Apr 2016
%
If most murder victims know their killer does it mean every time we meet
someone new it increases our chance of being murdered?
	―IAmBrighty, Nov 2015
%
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
	―frostykeys, May 2016
%
I assume all skulls are male
	―hiphopanonymouz, Sep 2015
%
As a 30 year old, 50 year old people don't look as old as I imagined when I
was a child.
	―akeytoasafe, Sep 2015
%
Let's take a moment to appreciate that mother nature not only pre-sliced but
also pre-wrapped oranges.
	―NakedBeauty38, Aug 2016
%
In Spiderman(2002), Peter didn't kill the spider that bites him, so the spider
could've bit anyone else and there will be more than one spiderman.
	―Muazrozlan, Oct 2016
%
The first person to make popcorn must have been seriously freaking out.
	―alldayerrdaym8, Dec 2015
%
If kids these days read something about an 8 inch floppy disk, they might just
think it is a typo
	―Baconandfudge, Aug 2016
%
There are killers out there who find the special type of person out of
billions of people to have a partner in crime, and I still can't find a
girlfriend.
	―_Belmount_, Sep 2016
%
The saying 'Money can't buy you happiness' should be changed to 'Money can't
prevent sadness'
	―HamBeetus, May 2015
%
Everyone who I've heard say "don't tell me how to raise my child" was not
doing a good job at it.
	―IWannaBeNumberT, May 2016
%
My parents spent the first 18 years of my life telling me how unique and
special I was, then spent the rest of my life telling me I am no different
than anyone else and to get a job.
	―Chewyman11, May 2016
%
The nice thing about pooping at a bowling alley is that nobody can tell who
you are by your shoes.
	―fitzlurker, Nov 2015
%
Mario Kart GO would be absolute mayhem
	―pm_your_turds, Jul 2016
%
Teens claiming they were "born in the wrong generation" Because of music being
better in the past were actually born in the only generation with easy and
almost free access to music from past generations.
	―Tadaboody, Jan 2016
%
I wonder if the new Snowden movie will be leaked before it hits theaters.
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
If there isn't an "upside down" in space, then space battles in movies are
unrealistic when the ships are always upright when they confront each other.
	―rastapasta9, May 2016
%
"Phone" is one of the least used apps on my mobile phone
	―Crimson___King, Aug 2016
%
People think it's crazy that an elephant can be scared by a mouse, but so many
people are scared of insects.
	―Ticklemetenderly, Aug 2015
%
The tone I interpret from a text is the reflection of my own insecurities with
that person.
	―m0nkeyfire, Aug 2016
%
In culinary school, your dog eating your homework is a pretty legitimate
concern.
	―jimbozinoh, Nov 2015
%
Internet browsers should wait to ask me if I want to save my password until
after I have figured out if I input the right one.
	―JoshuaCardigan, Oct 2016
%
Pacman was the first survival game with the undead chasing you.
	―Grendil13, May 2015
%
10,000's or 100,000's of people all keeping a secret for 50 years that the
moon landings were faked would be a far greater achievement than actually
landing on the Moon.
	―rembic, Dec 2015
%
Coitus and Fellatio sound like a pair of Shakespeare characters.
	―q_m, Apr 2015
%
Kim Jong Un is the real life equivalent to Plankton
	―SnapeDiedaVirgin, Aug 2015
%
The oldest guy in the world breaks a world record every second
	―ghroat, Aug 2015
%
Ugly Christmas sweaters were only interesting when they weren't intentionally
ugly. Ugly Christmas sweater parties essentially killed ugly Christmas sweater
parties.
	―dave, Dec 2015
%
People who say "sorry I look like shit, I'm not wearing any make-up" are
literally apologizing for looking like a normal human being.
	―fy29, Feb 2016
%
If something breaks easily, it's either really cheap or really expensive
	―PinkestPieNA, Jul 2016
%
"Men are afraid of strong women" is basically "Girls don't date nice guys" for
women.
	―PowerWisdomCourage, Apr 2016
%
Fifteen year olds on summer vacation are probably the least stressed they will
be until they're retired.
	―fizzlefootie, Jul 2016
%
One of the best things about Reddit is users don't display a profile photo. We
can judge people on what they say, not what they look like
	―mattbradleydesigns, Sep 2016
%
In the Deadpool movie, it would be awesome if Deadpool recognized Stan Lee in
the cameo.
	―Vitrin99, Dec 2015
%
Jumping in video games seems to be a necessary form of movement, yet in real
life we rarely, if ever, jump on a daily basis.
	―Flonny, Jan 2016
%
People who skip church to watch football probably do more praying than they
would have in church anyway.
	―gbrenneriv, Sep 2015
%
If an apple a day really kept the doctor away, some scumbag company would
corner the apple industry, and sell them $100 an apple.
	―Richard_Sout, Aug 2016
%
The cities in skateboarding games are really wheelchair accessible.
	―NatrixBerus, Mar 2015
%
You know when you tap a YouTube video to see how much longer it's got left? I
wish you could do that to people when they're talking to you.
	―ChiefBigwilly, Aug 2015
%
If I win the powerball I won't tell anyone, then post a status on Facebook
asking if anyone could help me move some furniture. Whoever offered would get
$1,000,000.
	―adamchain, Jan 2016
%
loitering is the illegal act of existing while not spending money
	―thegypsyslayer, Oct 2016
%
The fact that our arms are long enough to reach our genitals is one of the
biggest things we take for granted.
	―igotthepowah, Jun 2015
%
Old Spice deodorants would make great Hogwarts house names. Wolfthorn,
Hawkridge, Foxcrest, Lionpride.
	―dothebubbahotep, May 2016
%
If you charge $300 for a textbook and I find a typo, you should cut me a
check.
	―Accidental-Genius, Jun 2016
%
Han Solo doesn't seem so great when you realize who his real-world analog
would be: A trucker doing cross-border smuggling for drug cartels, who shot a
guy in a bar.
	―KubrickIsMyCopilot, Jun 2015
%
I can't believe Keith Richards outlived David Bowie.
	―p_noid, Jan 2016
%
I don't think the inventor of Twizzlers ever actually tasted a strawberry.
	―redemeter, Sep 2015
%
People used the cigarette lighter socket to light cigarettes, but now they use
it to charge cigarettes.
	―Kirryu, Jun 2016
%
I wonder if Buzzfeed managers yell at their employees for working on
spreadsheets when they are supposed to be browsing reddit.
	―sdb2754, May 2016
%
I'm at a point in my life where 100 dollars isn't a lot to receive, but it's a
lot to give.
	―f00f_nyc, Jul 2015
%
In the near future thanks to self-driving cars, "drunk driving" will mean
waking up on the side of the road somewhere, out of gas because you thought
"Disneyland" was a good destination at 3:00 AM.
	―jpranevich, Aug 2015
%
Voldemort was 71 when he died and the average life span in the the UK is 80
years, so had Voldemort not searched for eternal life he probably would have
actually lived longer.
	―geschichte1, Apr 2016
%
DNA is like the menu at Taco Bell, an endless recombining of 4 ingredients to
achieve a new result.
	―ThinkTankTurret, Apr 2015
%
If I were stranded on an island with a fully functioning plane and
runway... I'd still be stranded on that island
	―SmilingYellowSofa, Jun 2015
%
If I had a dollar for every piece of useless trivia I know, I wouldn't have
any money since the trivia is no longer useless if it can earn me money.
	―FortunateGreg, Nov 2015
%
Light from the sun travelled 93 million miles just to bounce off my penis
	―duerushedr, Jan 2014
%
We are getting a new Steve Jobs movie every other year because movie studios
know that Apple fans already buy almost the same product every two years
anyway.
	―confusedsquirrel, Oct 2015
%
I got hit by a train in my dream, and it woke me up. I got knocked conscious.
	―walden1nversion, Sep 2015
%
If Assassin's Creed keeps going up through time it'll eventually just become
Splinter Cell.
	―lolaiden1, Nov 2015
%
At age 25 if a friend tells me they're pregnant I don't know whether to say
"oh shit!" Or "congratulations!"
	―sprogger, Jun 2016
%
If I touch my phone in the right places, a pizza will show up at my front
door.
	―drunk_bird, Aug 2014
%
I think Mad Max would have avoided a lot of trouble over several movies had he
just invested in a sand colored tarp to cover his car.
	―melvintoast, Mar 2016
%
If a stranger insults me, I'l probably ignore it, as their opinion is
meaningless. If a stranger compliments me, I'll probably treasure it, as their
opinion is important.
	―Zalthos, Oct 2016
%
Marriage is one of the few things where we consider someone an expert if
they've only successfully done it once.
	―wehappy3, Nov 2015
%
The characters on Friends live in Manhattan thorugh 9/11 - and never mentioned
it once
	―ludivico_technique, Sep 2016
%
I wish I could see all of the pictures I've accidentally been in the
background of.
	―TheDero, Sep 2016
%
I have spent an entire day not seeing, hearing, looking after or cleaning up
after kids. A day like this would be an unspeakable luxury if I had kids.
	―actually_crazy_irl, Feb 2016
%
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
	―Fivelon, Jan 2015
%
Parents are worried about their kids getting drugs in their Halloween candy,
but who in their right mind would give away drugs for free?
	―cheesecleh, Oct 2016
%
Whenever commercials state that they are using real people and not actors I
think about how insulting that must be to actors to not be considered real
people.
	―Feathers_, Oct 2016
%
Smoking one pack of cigarettes a day decreases chances of dying of old age
	―MEXLeeChuGa, Mar 2016
%
Mom always told me when I got older I would realize I didn't need to drink
alcohol to have fun. Now that I am older I realize you don't need to have fun
to drink alcohol.
	―Ryangonzo, Jul 2016
%
There should be a TV channel that shows failed TV pilot shows that most people
have never seen.
	―Snizzlefry, Feb 2015
%
The expression "Great Minds Think Alike" is the exact opposite of what we
value great minds for.
	―Calber4, Jun 2016
%
Being a worm must be awesome. It’s like “man, that dirt was great, I wish
there was more.” And there always is.
	―zanewom, Mar 2016
%
plus-size models are great, because they're finally showing young people you
don't need to be skinny to be beautiful. you just need an extremely attractive
face.
	―edijakob, Oct 2016
%
Some of us are still "it" from a childhood game of tag.
	―chudd, May 2015
%
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference,
is completely acceptable
	―Slim_slug, Jul 2015
%
Whenever I hear the word "Egyptians" I never think of it referring to the
people who currently live in Egypt.
	―ZeLittleMan, Sep 2015
%
Cemeteries would be way more interesting if they put the cause of death on the
headstone
	―Drakqula, Jun 2016
%
The world would probably be a better place if people thought "Is it ethical?"
instead of "Is it legal?" more often.
	―mmmmbeeer, Sep 2016
%
My daughter routinely comes home from school with 1-2 hours of homework to do
every night. If my boss did this to me I would tell him to shove it up his
ass.
	―compforu, Feb 2016
%
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you
know.
	―MasterChefRamsey, Jan 2015
%
If the population of Earth were only 100 people and one guy tried to hoard 99%
of the money. The other 99 people would simply just kill that guy and take
their money back.
	―[deleted], Aug 2015
%
As a teen, I was told not to trust anyone on the Internet, not to add everyone
on Facebook, and not to be stupid online. Now, I'm telling my parents the same
things.
	―JediMasterJedi, Jan 2016
%
My greatest fear is that one day I will Google a question, and the only
results I find are a bunch of assholes in a forum telling the OP "omg, just
Google it". And I'll be trapped in an endless loop.
	―raver6, Sep 2016
%
Social media has made it possible for me to get drunk at home alone and still
publicly make an ass of myself
	―AbcessiveCompulsive1, Jan 2016
%
If humans had 100% control of their body's, they'd probably not do anything
but release dopamine into their brain 24/7
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
What if we actually are living in a computer simulation, and superstitions
like wishes on birthday candles or shooting stars are based on old cheat codes
that have since been patched?
	―Fejsze, Jun 2016
%
When restaurant staff sing "Happy Birthday" and embarrass you in public, they
are effectively deterring people from asking for free birthday food.
	―Neon_Parrott, Mar 2016
%
Wrestling is a sport where people who don't wear pants compete for a belt.
	―Vorincl3x, Jan 2016
%
Reddit is just like my real life: I'm just sitting around listening in on
people's conversations, too afraid to say anything.
	―happytobelonely, Feb 2016
%
You can't tell anything about a person from their star sign, but you can tell
a lot about someone who believes in them
	―astrowhiz, Sep 2016
%
You know you're getting old when "Weird Al" Yankovic starts parodying songs
you don't know
	―yoarkiv, Nov 2015
%
I feel like a pimp taking my son around trick or treating, because I expect to
get a percentage of that candy.
	―jimsjadab, Nov 2015
%
They should make realistic Gatorade commercials where hungover people try to
drink it without sitting up all the way.
	―SeedofEden, Jun 2015
%
If spiders traveled around the house like Spiderman travels around a city,
we'd have to exterminate them. Can you imagine how fucking terrifying our
homes would be with spiders swinging from wall to wall?
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
If I ever lose my pinky finger, when children ask what happened I’m going to
tell them that I broke a promise.
	―ulaalaa, Feb 2016
%
When I think of apples I think of the color red but when I think of apple
flavor I think of the color green. When I think of watermelons I think of the
color green but when I think of watermelon flavor I think of the color red.
	―LiteSh0w, Oct 2016
%
My girlfriend used to work in the food service industry. I work in IT. When
someone talks about hosts and servers, we think of VERY different things.
	―mister_walker, Nov 2015
%
There should be a lesbian version of Grindr called Mufflr
	―i_dont_want_to_be_on, Aug 2015
%
Tinder could pull data on how many people like your profile vs how many who
view it and give you a percentile based off all people of your age and
sex. They could literally tell you if are a 4 or a 9 based on unbiased data.
	―ZowieBowie, May 2015
%
As an adult, I'm not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought
I would.
	―zaogao_, Jun 2015
%
The reason I like Reddit so much is because no one from my family uses it
	―Choupina, Aug 2016
%
If someone ever grabs me by the lapels and frantically asks me what the date
is, I will be sure to include the year in my answer.
	―superbob_92, Sep 2015
%
According to the Bible, abstinence isn't 100% effective against pregnancy.
	―appealAPPEALapeel, Jul 2016
%
Today, the girl next to me was doing a good job and I thought in my head,
"She's doing good." Then in my head, I corrected myself: "She's doing well."
Then I remembered we're at a non-profit so this is probably the first time
I've seen both apply.
	―jmwbb, Oct 2016
%
I should get a tattoo of a QR code, so if somebody finds my body and scans it,
they'll be Rickroll'd.
	―drain65, Jul 2015
%
My dead dads breath is still in the almost deflated kiddie pool in he
closet. I wonder how often that happens.
	―eagletwentyfox2, Dec 2015
%
Can we start calling Walruses: Saber Tooth Seals?
	―HillaryBot9000, Sep 2016
%
Why would anybody buy a bookmark for a dollar when they could use a dollar as
a bookmark?
	―NOTW_116, Jun 2016
%
I just got married. This is the first time in my life that I've wanted to have
sex with someone with same last name as me.
	―garry0wen, Mar 2016
%
The name of the band "Gorillaz" is a pun, because a group of gorillas is
called a band.
	―PerpetualCamel, May 2015
%
If I wore a British flag sweater while in the UK, people would assume I'm a
tourist. If I wore an American flag sweater while in America, they'd assume
I'm a local.
	―son_of_stone, Jun 2016
%
I wonder if my cat thinks the delivery guy is my owner because He gives Me
food.
	―Reoh, Jun 2015
%
There should be a website where people can submit tl;dr of legal agreements
for the apps we all use
	―forreal_tho, Jun 2015
%
If you can't afford a condom, then you really can't afford NOT to have a
condom.
	―hillsfar, Jan 2016
%
One day you'll either wake up and never go back to sleep, or go to sleep and
never wake up again
	―ihatepepperballs, Oct 2016
%
Candlelit dinners weren't so special before the light bulb was invented.
	―JayAche, Jul 2015
%
My wife cries her eyes out at the end of every sad movie, but if we watch the
news about real life tragedies she doesn't even bat an eyelid
	―Yoguls, Mar 2016
%
Everyone posting on Facebook about how much data Pokémon Go collects seems to
have forgotten that they're posting on Facebook.
	―CurGeorge8, Jul 2016
%
@'s are just lowercase anarchy symbols.
	―ferval_lankman, Jul 2016
%
Because we have salt in our sweat, by sweating when we're afraid, we're really
just seasoning ourselves for predators to eat.
	―uneducatedonthetopic, Mar 2016
%
The only reason I look at a bad driver after I pass them is to see if I can
confirm a stereotype.
	―bommar2, Apr 2016
%
What if a human bite turns zombies back to normal but no one in the apocalypse
has ever tried it.
	―Goway_Baitin, Apr 2016
%
Oompa Loompas were basically singing slave songs.
	―Thisismyfifthtry, Aug 2015
%
TV really made me believe that souffles being ruined would be a frequent
problem.
	―Mveepee, Apr 2016
%
All single men at a bar, gay or straight, kinda hope all good looking straight
men are gay.
	―fortunatehobo, Nov 2015
%
If people adopted last names like they did in the past, Jim CustomerServicer
or Matt TeamLeader are just some examples of what aweful things we'd be
called.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
When I kick in $2 for the office lottery pool, I'm not actually looking for a
chance to win…. the $2 is insurance against everyone else winning, and me
being left behind.
	―bertbarndoor, Jul 2015
%
I once logged out of MySpace unaware of the fact I'll never sign back in
	―antiheromcr, Jan 2016
%
I bet a heroin junkie could find a needle in a haystack.
	―Future_Canadian, Nov 2015
%
You know you've officially broken in a new phone when it stops trying to
auto-correct "Fuck" for you.
	―mleclerc182, Sep 2016
%
9 years ago: didn't own a laptop or smartphone. Today: I'm watching satellite
images from Pluto on my WATCH.
	―MathewReiss, Jul 2015
%
The Milky Way could well be the galaxy with the most milk in it
	―wbyte, Jun 2015
%
If someone says they will "google" something in a show or a movie, they
probably aren't getting payed for it. But if they say they will look something
up on Bing, you can bet it's product placement.
	―LordNicht, Sep 2016
%
I'd hate Spotify ads a lot less if they just played the damn ad instead of
also playing 30 seconds of acoustic guitar before the ads and then playing a
little more acoustic guitar after the ad to let me know that the ad is
finished.
	―RTSUbiytsa, Sep 2016
%
As a kid, I saw Gordon Ramsey as an asshole who yells at people for not being
perfect. As an adult, I see Gordon Ramsey as a prime example of a person
dedicated to his craft.
	―ChillerDuu, Jul 2016
%
Jack really dodged a bullet by not eating those beans.
	―_littlekidlover_, Sep 2015
%
I live in the U.K. My local pub has been a pub longer than America has been a
country.
	―addison92, Sep 2016
%
Peyton Manning is the first QB to win a Super Bowl with a baby horse team and
also a grown up horse team
	―Fixthe-Fernback, Feb 2016
%
The most unrealistic aspect of Spongebob Squarepants is that Spongebob and
Squidward both work in fast food, yet are both homeowners with one job and
lots of leisure time.
	―Olivers_Dad, Mar 2016
%
The more serious a relationship gets, the more casual it is
	―[deleted], Aug 2015
%
Youtube should have the opposite of a subscribe button that makes channels
disappear from your feed completely.
	―pamperedtomax, Aug 2015
%
If shadowbanned users could see other shadowbanned user's posts and comments,
it would make for an interesting "underground" reddit community.
	―Couchtiger23, Jun 2015
%
If I lived every day like it was my last, I would have one fantastic day, but
then would spend every subsequent day being poor and in jail
	―Leftover_Salad, Sep 2015
%
I wish I could wipe current thoughts from my mind like I can close running
apps on my phone.
	―ChristineAllman, Oct 2016
%
I won't put my mouth on cow teats but I will drink the milk. I'll put my mouth
on my girl's tits yet would never drink the milk.
	―HeyGirlAreYou18Yet, Oct 2016
%
You should have an opportunity to donate blood while waiting for someone else
to be treated in the ER.
	―itchyd, Feb 2015
%
My being afraid of failure has turned me into a failure.
	―Psyche68, Sep 2016
%
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is
	―shicky536, Apr 2014
%
I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all of their free
time.
	―danecooksucks, Aug 2015
%
The best thing to come from 'Suicide Squad' will be the influx of Harley Quinn
costumes this Halloween.
	―Snowstandards, Aug 2016
%
If there is a hell, I hope the asshole who invented those "manually type your
resume information into these blank fields" is being tortured the hardest
	―lazarus870, Mar 2016
%
There is a special kind of sadness when you are about to post something witty
in the comments only to find someone has already posted a better version of
what you were thinking.
	―Deep_sea_king00, Oct 2016
%
If you showed a medieval person a special effect they'd assume it was
magic. If you showed a modern person magic, they'd assume it was a special
effect.
	―Taswelltoo, Jun 2016
%
Ice Cube went from "Fuck tha Police" to frequently portraying police in movies
	―retsoper1234, Apr 2016
%
I pay $5 for a coffee but not $0.99 for an app
	―rprandi, Oct 2015
%
There was a time when I could masturbate to a drawing of a cleavage in a comic
book, but now I can't even get erect until I find "that" porn video.
	―it_roll, Jun 2016
%
If enough people in the same area have the same speech impediment it becomes
an accent
	―fibz, Feb 2016
%
It just occurred to me that duels were most likely scheduled at high noon so
that the sun wasn't in either opponent's eyes.
	―iAmMileyCyrusLefTtit, Mar 2015
%
When you search "Best SEO (search engine optimization) tutorial", you can
trust the first result.
	―dirtydansie, May 2015
%
I would be willing to donate blood to the mosquito community, if in exchange
they would stop biting me.
	―megalotusman, Sep 2015
%
People born on 08/08/08 turn 8 today
	―10d1, Aug 2016
%
I'm flabbergasted at how our education system managed to find a way to turn
something as fascinating as history into a boring slog.
	―Lemvig42, May 2016
%
Using your old laptop to research buying a new one is like asking it to dig
its own grave
	―WorthierCaptor, Aug 2014
%
I don't think I've ever heard a car alarm going off and thought "Oh shit,
someone's car is getting stolen!"
	―DaveKast, Feb 2015
%
"Having a stroke" sounds like a British euphemism for masturbation
	―audible_dog_fart, Jun 2015
%
Calling an infant 'tender and mild' makes it sound like a chicken wing.
	―Broodles, Dec 2015
%
Thanks to dating apps, many people will first lay eyes on the love of their
lives while evacuating their bowels.
	―dolemite-, Jul 2015
%
A child born 08.08.08 is 8 today.
	―Crazy_Battlesheep, Aug 2016
%
If North Korea ever does actually launch an attack, people in the future are
going to think we were the most oblivious people in history.
	―BlackMilk23, Aug 2016
%
Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest
	―ComboverEagle, Sep 2016
%
The older I get, the lamer the superpowers I want.
	―Left4Donut, Feb 2016
%
When self driving cars become the norm, gaining control of your car could be
almost as scary as losing control is today.
	―r6guy, Mar 2016
%
Teachers wont let you use Wikipedia, But they make you use 30 year old
textbooks
	―Tanner_Twaggs, Apr 2016
%
Video game streamers are just like pornstars. You're an entertainer that will
never go mainstream. Your target audience are aged 14 to 30, mostly male. Your
career gets shorter as you get older. You are doing the exact same thing as
millions of people except you are recording it.
	―Insomniyac, Jun 2016
%
My dogs literally eat better than millions, if not billions of humans.
	―Partha23, Oct 2015
%
Watching an Ad three million times on Hulu makes me hate the company more than
anything
	―Nardocs, Dec 2015
%
If i owned a taser I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and taser
myself and that's why i dont own a taser.
	―Cock_Vomit, Mar 2016
%
just drove from california to Illinois with a fly in the car. I wonder if the
illinois flies will accept him as their own.
	―IDrewTheDuckBlue, Jul 2015
%
If having a small penis was really an issue, the "small penis genes" would
have gone extinct long time ago.
	―Piano1987, Oct 2016
%
Reddit is like one of those girls on Facebook that say they hate drama but
actually fucking love it
	―[deleted], Jul 2015
%
What if the lottery is an Institution to catch Time Travelers?
	―imverykind, Oct 2014
%
Once you find out about reddit, every other time-wasting website seems like
it's only there for the people who don't know about reddit yet
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
The person who accurately predicts the end of the world will never get
acknowledged for it.
	―Cytolethal, Jul 2016
%
The word "bid", in lowercase letters, is vertically symmetrical, but the word
"BID", in uppercase letters, is horizontally symmetrical.
	―Bowch-, Aug 2015
%
When I have kids, they'll grow up with three Star Wars trilogies, eight Harry
Potter movies, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy all available to watch
whenever they want. They'll never know my pain
	―oxwearingsocks, Oct 2016
%
I wonder who the first person to die playing Pokémon Go will be and how they
will die? It's going to happen though
	―VerinSC, Jul 2016
%
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we're like "that's a soup
ladle".
	―o2lsports, May 2015
%
I treat my body in a way that proves I have 100% confidence in medical science
being able to fix ANY medical problem by the time I'm 50.
	―24h00, Sep 2015
%
I wake up to a cup of coffee and browse Reddit every morning. I'm the modern
day grandpa with his daily newspaper.
	―HoldDaCheese, Dec 2015
%
People are way more concerned about athletes having to deal with Brazil being
unsafe than the millions of people who live there
	―orfane, Aug 2016
%
I'm sitting here, drinking my 6th beer, about to hop in the shower. Heading to
my sisters birthday party afterwards, where my nieces and nephew will be. I
just realized I'm the drunk uncle of the family.
	―FukkleberryHin, Sep 2015
%
When marijuana is legal people will say 4/20 is just another commercialized
holiday.
	―ifcopscandoit, Apr 2015
%
Neil Armstrong was the first person to land on the moon. 'Neil A.' backwards
is 'Alien'.
	―demonikki, Aug 2015
%
Since I'm Canadian my two cents is rounded down to nothing
	―ToothlessWolf, Mar 2015
%
Mars...is populated entirely by robots!
	―aaqucnaona, Apr 2014
%
The phrase "Do go on" contains 3 different pronunciations of the letter 'o'
	―isaacandhismother, Feb 2015
%
There's enough apps for finding friends and lovers and soulmates. I want an
app that helps me find my arch enemy.
	―CuddlePirate420, Oct 2015
%
If Netflix required you to sign in frequently... 80 percent of the people I
know wouldn't have Netflix.
	―isaacsmiller, Oct 2016
%
If you stay up all night and sleep all day, maybe you were meant to live on
the other side of the planet.
	―PenguinOntheRoad, Apr 2016
%
The voice actor for Pikachu has had steady income for the past 20 years saying
variations of just one word.
	―Wakkadoo507, Jul 2016
%
If I lose one sock, I'll be annoyed. If I lose both socks, it will take a
while for me to notice
	―thomasjthomasj, Apr 2016
%
Google should make a new filter: No Pintrest results.
	―100milesanhour, Sep 2016
%
Uber should have a "no small talk" option when requesting a car
	―theycallmepdf, Sep 2016
%
I just realized how absurd the rotating license plates on James Bond's car
are. Are we supposed to think that he could switch plates and become lost
among all the other silver Aston Martin DB5s?
	―gbwilliams369, Sep 2016
%
There should be a movie rating based on how awkward it would be to watch with
your parents.
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
I look both ways before crossing a one way street. That's how much faith I
have left in humanity.
	―beete17, Apr 2016
%
Mirrors are the most photographed object in the 21st century
	―kemdo, May 2016
%
Tobacco companies kill their best customers and condom companies kill their
future customers.
	―FourWordReplies, Aug 2016
%
Ten-year old me would be so angry to find out I could afford a monkey and
haven't bought one.
	―kvw260, Jun 2015
%
"Ryan Reynolds" sounds like a Stan Lee character
	―penguinsweg, Feb 2016
%
Pearls are found in oysters. Whoever named the line of Tampax 'Pearl' had a
hilariously sick sense of humour.
	―_bubblebutt, Jul 2016
%
Google maps should have a feature where if you know a better route, you can
say "OK, Google, watch this," and then drive it. They could improve their
directions that way.
	―ItsALiberalPlot, Jun 2015
%
I've personally boycotted more companies for their shitty commercials rather
than for ethical reasons
	―ThePirateKing01, May 2016
%
What if the spider I killed in my home has spent his entire life thinking he
was my room-mate and that suddenly I had some sort of psychotic break
	―bossOnothin, Sep 2016
%
If reincarnation is real, I wonder if I've ever read anything about my
previous life without realizing it.
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
The Pirate Bay should rename themselves to something that cannot be repeated
on television. The following court cases and news coverage would be difficult
to disseminate to a wide audience.
	―TitaniumTurtle, Jan 2015
%
People assume that the first sex robots will be sold for men, but the reality
is, women have already been using them for years and years
	―apcom, Nov 2015
%
Forget a dislike button, Facebook needs a "this article/picture is fake"
button.
	―diatonicnerds, Sep 2015
%
James Bond is going to need a Visa for his missions now.
	―Amedais, Jun 2016
%
What women know as a front closing bra, men will know as a front opening bra
	―meurl, Aug 2016
%
"Fifty shades of grey" is considered a romantic story only because the guy is
a billionare. If he was living in a trailer or in a shack somewhere in the
woods it would be an episode of "Criminal minds".
	―CynicalBellend, Feb 2015
%
It's pretty dumb that I get a new driver's license every four years and it's
made out of hard plastic and I'm supposed to have my social security card for
life and it's made out of paper.
	―KingOfKrackers, Sep 2014
%
As a non-American, watching American TV I don't even notice their accent, but
in real life the exact same accent is extremely noticeable.
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
Every year on my wife's b-day, I get to have sex with the oldest woman I've
ever slept with.
	―Radiationdoc, Oct 2016
%
Uber should have a senior discount so elderly people wouldn't have to drive if
they feel like they can't drive safely
	―Delica, May 2016
%
It has gotten to the point that every time I see "defiantly" I automatically
think some idiot misspelled "definitely"
	―eatinchapstick, Jan 2016
%
The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1963 are
probably dead
	―CosmicViking, Jan 2016
%
1/3 of marriages are now from online dating and that number is only
increasing. That means that computers (algorithms) are starting to breed
humans.
	―fleetw16, Oct 2014
%
If I had a kid when I was 18, I could have a 10 year old by now. Instead I'm
watching cartoons in my underwear and eating cereal, like a 10 year old.
	―poopedinthechili, Jul 2016
%
Tobacco companies should be leading in the search for a cancer cure. The day
after a cure is found, sales of cigarettes are going to go up by 500,000% from
the millions of us that quit for health / longevity reasons.
	―evoic, Oct 2016
%
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say "hello", my first instinct
when I see a human is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away
	―Narksdog, May 2016
%
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
	―h1ghdeaz, Dec 2013
%
I wonder if I have ever seen the same ant twice
	―yesitsrubbishacc, Jun 2016
%
Porn is to sex what Kung Fu movies are to fighting . There's a lot more
screaming , weird positions and techniques than you'll ever see in real life
	―RepubliKin, Jan 2016
%
If the Mythbusters made a show with the guys from Jackass (testing the myths
on them) it would be spectacular.
	―ranga_tayng, Jul 2015
%
Kleenex should make the last 10 tissues in the box a different color so you
know when you're running low.
	―nickm78, Jan 2016
%
For guys who loved Die Hard so much, Ross Chandler and Joey were pretty
oblivious to how much Ross's girlfriend's dad looked like Bruce Willis
	―Lachshmock, May 2016
%
In the past decade, my wife and I have gone from kids trying to quietly have
sex while their parents sleep to parents trying to quietly have sex while
their kids sleep
	―TheAmazingSpider-Ham, Apr 2015
%
People claim with surprise that Eskimos have 100 words for snow, but ignore
that makeup companies have 1000 words for light brown.
	―Ganonthegreat, Feb 2016
%
A line of paint on the road holds more authority than i probably ever will.
	―0KoopaTroopa0, Aug 2015
%
One extra perk of becoming president is that your last name isn't incorrect in
spell check anymore
	―EndlessRampager, Sep 2015
%
When we want another's thoughts, we say "penny for your thoughts." When we
offer up our own, we say "putting my two cents in." We value our own opinion
twice as much.
	―Conkrad, May 2016
%
Why when we cry our noses fill up almost immediately? It is like out own body
is saying, I see, you are upset, here, let me help, why don't you just stop
breathing altogether you weak bastard.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
The first word I say every year is "happy" and the last is "one"
	―dope-as-heck, Dec 2015
%
Life gets weird when you start to see adults as grown up kids rather than
adults
	―dethish, Aug 2016
%
Cutting off one of your legs decreases your BMI, but when you cut off the
other one it shoots way up again
	―Terrific_Soporific, Jan 2016
%
Porn and the WWE are essentially the same. Both feature unrealistic
representations of humans taking way longer to accomplish something, in which
the acting doesn't matter and the more outrageous the personality, the more
popular.
	―SergeiDiaghilev, May 2016
%
When aliens really attack Earth, my first thought is probably going to be
"Which movie came the closest?"
	―dead4seven, Aug 2015
%
If Fallout 4 didn't take place in USA you probably wouldn't find live ammo in
a dead woman's sundress
	―Puccolol, Dec 2015
%
Kid's menus at restaurants should be smaller portions of the same adult dishes
at lower prices and not the junk food that they usually offer.
	―TheBugMX, Sep 2016
%
New years 2020 will be remembered as the year that everyone's dad bought some
of those glasses and spent all night making 'I have 20-20 vision' jokes
	―_merf, Jul 2016
%
What if the IOC bought a Greek Island to save Greece's economy and host the
Olympics permanently, so we couldn't cripple other economies that host the
Olympics?
	―Stelios78910, Aug 2016
%
Most women who keep their maiden names are just taking the names that their
mothers took when they gave up their own maiden names.
	―joelman0, Apr 2016
%
Giving someone gold on Reddit is like saying "I enjoyed what you said enough
to pay you for it. But instead I'm going to pay someone else to give you a
tiny pixelated gold image."
	―CyborgBurger, Jun 2016
%
The author of the book "American Psycho" received death threats "over the
violence depicted in his writing". That means that someone, somewhere, was
bothered by violence in a book and responded by literally threatening to kill
the author. Oh, humanity.
	―adeebchowdhury, Jun 2016
%
Thanks to 'dude', 'bro' and 'man', I haven't said my best friend's name to him
in 4 years.
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
I bet there's a direct relationship between the rise of smartphone usage and a
decline in bathroom stall graffiti.
	―manic_lethargy, Jul 2015
%
If you organise and operate a marathon you can say you've run a marathon
without having run one
	―swimming-bird, Jun 2015
%
The early days of the internet was like a huge park. You browsed around,
played games, learned a bit, and had to take your time. Now its like a big
city, you are bombarded with ads, everyone is running, and shady people troll
and try to screw you over.
	―the_woot_shoot, Feb 2016
%
There is nothing quite so beautiful as the spark in a person's eye when you
bring up something they are passionate about.
	―Swaqfaq, Oct 2016
%
Newborns are always crying because any discomfort is literally one of the
worst things they have ever experienced.
	―TheHowardEffect, Mar 2014
%
Now that The Pirate Bay is based at a .cr domain (Costa Rica), they truly are
The Pirates of the Caribbean.
	―Meatslinger, Dec 2014
%
I just realized that when I got clothes for Christmas as a kid from grandma,
it wasn't a gift for me but for my broke mom
	―BucketheadRules, Nov 2015
%
Jesus coming to earth, making friends, dying and revealing himself to be god's
son is like the ultimate episode of undercover boss.
	―RadiatorSam, Apr 2015
%
If gangsters held their phones like they held their guns, world-star would
have a lot more watchable content.
	―FifaBribes, Jun 2016
%
Jon Stewart sure picked the shittiest year ever to retire....
	―CyberToaster, Mar 2016
%
Movies will always break monetary records because of inflation. They should be
rated on how many tickets were sold versus how much money was made.
	―lispboy, Jun 2015
%
If someone says they're gonna open up a can of whoop ass, that means someone
out there is canning whoop ass...I'd be more afraid of that second guy.
	―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2015
%
I would love it if there was a website where I could look up a license plate
and then send a message to whoever owns the plate and tell them how bad they
drive.
	―quinnkenrilawson, Jul 2016
%
Valve (Steam) should put machines like Coinstar in GameStop and at malls so
that you can put your loose change into your Steam Wallet.
	―Aegon_Blackfyre, Aug 2014
%
Blind kids can stay up reading under the covers and their parents can't ever
tell
	―EditorialComplex, Oct 2015
%
Dads who tell "dad jokes" are actually funny people who had to censor their
humor for a younger audience.
	―royaljohnson, Jan 2016
%
The real hero of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is Will's mom because she forced
him to move out of a dangerous city at the first sign of problems.
	―ekmaster23, Aug 2016
%
Pornography is the only profession where amateur products can be in higher
demand than professional ones.
	―Unidan, Jan 2014
%
Instead of letting you skip ads, YouTube should hire Vine-savvy people to
create 6-second ads.
	―ForeverInaDaze, Aug 2015
%
At 31, I am older than every dog in the world.
	―citizenshame, Jan 2016
%
If we pop bubble wrap made in China, the air that comes out is from China
	―Shadows4, Sep 2014
%
If I had a PhD, I'd buy takeout a lot, and when it got to me I'd say "this is
just what the doctor ordered."
	―whatisthedealnow, Dec 2015
%
Cracking my knuckles is an ability that has a cooldown.
	―Dangleton, Feb 2015
%
Movie makers should be required by law to depict CPR accurately and with
correct technique in their films, because movies provide the only impression
of CPR that many people ever bother to get.
	―tadavagagah11, Jun 2015
%
Bill Cosby has more rape accusers than I have consensual sex partners.
	―topderp1, Jul 2015
%
Reddit is like my fridge. After the fifth time opening it I know everything
that's in there, but I keep finding myself opening it in the hopes of
something new.
	―agwiz31, Jul 2015
%
When an older couple is sitting silently at a restaurant; it's not that they
have nothing to say to each other, it's that they're listening to your
conversation in order to talk shit about you later.
	―Jklein6001, Jun 2016
%
For April Fools' Day 'The Onion' should run real news stories.
	―cmagnificent, Mar 2014
%
On Windows, hitting Ctrl+Alt+Del (or Ctrl+Shift+Esc) is your way of telling a
program "I want to speak to your manager".
	―anonkehaath, Jul 2015
%
We are fortunate enough to live in a country where if we hear random
explosions in the distance, our mind thinks "oh, someone's celebrating"
	―Interaxis, Jul 2016
%
Polo referees should ride Zebras
	―BrandtHasToPay100, Apr 2015
%
Imitating a gun to your own head with your fingers means suicide, yet
imitating a knife to your own neck is intimidation.
	―LatkaXtreme, Jul 2015
%
Titanic was released 85 years after the incident and was a loved movie. I
wonder if in 2096 it would be acceptable to make a love story of 9/11
	―Captainmcspanky, Nov 2015
%
The most realistic part of GTA V is when I'm charged $5,000 every time I go to
the hospital.
	―JayhawkRacer, Feb 2016
%
Most of the noises that you hear outside in rural areas are animals screaming
"please fuck me!" as loud as they can.
	―jrobear11, Jun 2016
%
Why is it when a woman is a "bitch" she's angry and aggressive, but when a guy
is a "bitch" he's meek and submissive?
	―JakeSnowy, Sep 2016
%
When I tell people "I saw it on the Internet," even if I'm right, they think
I'm an uninformed crazy person and can't be trusted to make decisions.
	―Monkeyonfire13, Feb 2016
%
As a paramedic, I'll be one of the first to be bitten in a zombie apocalypse
	―yourcoldeyes, Oct 2015
%
Those custom child bedrooms made in Extreme Makeover Home Edition must suck
for the teenagers that live in them now
	―Klein259, Feb 2016
%
China has a billion people in it. One-in-a-million things happen one thousand
times a day.
	―tlery, Jun 2015
%
IMDb should have an "it's on Netflix" tag
	―Niallosapien, Jun 2015
%
Running from the police is the equivalent of betting double or nothing
	―nixon11, Feb 2016
%
As someone who wears glasses, I'm so glad 3D televisions never caught on.
	―CHEWS_OWN_FORESKIN, Jul 2016
%
If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the
Earth briefly becomes a sandwich.
	―nklotz, Apr 2014
%
I bet couples in the Harry Potter universe sometimes use polyjuice potion to
turn into one another and have sex.
	―chpbnvic, Mar 2016
%
We live in an age where your last words may be an emoticon.
	―horoshimu, May 2016
%
My grandkids are going to ask the question "you mean cars could just run into
each other, and people died all the time in car accidents?"
	―tavenger5, Dec 2015
%
There should be affordable universities for people who just want to continue
learning throughout life. Not to get a degree, or a better job; just a place
to learn, foster ideas and meet others who are doing the same.
	―bonbonlarue, May 2016
%
If the next president is white, the United States will have successfully gone
black and then gone back.
	―SlipperySherpa, Apr 2015
%
Antarctica has the highest average IQ of any continent.
	―Geminiilover, Jul 2015
%
It's kinda sad that we're in a time where a main selling point in
advertisements of foods is that they're made with 100% of the "real"
ingredients that they're supposed to be made up of.
	―PewPewUDeaded, May 2015
%
The less taste water has, the better it tastes.
	―417guydangerous, Feb 2016
%
As a Japanese speaker, I have to take extra few seconds to force my brain to
not treat ツ as an character when I read ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
	―Mineswooper, Apr 2016
%
Freshmen starting high school this year will be learning about 9/11 as a
historical event that took place before they were born
	―SlipperyQuark, Aug 2016
%
It's technically illegal to buy a child, yet "adoptions" require an exchange
of money. So really, adoption is just the legal purchase of a baby.
	―thegreatannemar, Apr 2016
%
As a child, I never imagined that I would be attracted to butts.
	―SweatyLatina, Oct 2016
%
If the girls who post on r/gonewild saw pictures of the guys who were
commenting on their photos, they probably wouldn't feel the same level of
validation anymore.
	―Finallyausername, Sep 2015
%
To announce who the new Batman was they should have released an image of the
actor in costume then have people work out who he is from the face to see if
Batman's disguise is good enough.
	―do0_, Jul 2015
%
I have never in my life wanted to text ducking.
	―timmy12688, Jun 2015
%
Buying a wallet is like trading your books for a shelf.
	―titaniumgroceries, Jul 2016
%
Someone should develop a browser app that very gradually starts changing words
so you can begin to learn a language.
	―whilst_i_poop, Jul 2016
%
Old music sounds better than today's music because nobody remembers the shitty
ones.
	―AREYOUFUCKING_SORRY, Sep 2015
%
Subreddits that don't allow downvoting are basically Facebook.
	―___--_, Nov 2015
%
When Bruce Willis dies, there will be so many posts saying that he was
actually dead the whole time.
	―rosiering, Feb 2016
%
Somewhere, there's a 50 year old billionaire who's future trophy wife hasn't
even been born yet.
	―kayjay25, Apr 2015
%
If I died today, I wonder how many people would post on my facebook wall
pretending they knew me better than they did.
	―volkhov, Oct 2015
%
If we changed the rhetoric from "Save the Planet" to "Save Ourselves," some
shit might actually get done. The planet will still be here in 5 million
years. We, on the other hand, may not.
	―IIIIRadsIIII, Dec 2015
%
Depression is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship with your
brain
	―KnowledgeIsDangerous, Jun 2016
%
PokemonGo lasted as long as someone using a new gym membership.
	―honeycakes, Aug 2016
%
Growing up my parents made me believe that someone turning a light on in the
car while I'm driving was going to be a much bigger issue in my life than it
actually is.
	―Choco_taco_, Aug 2016
%
Everyone who thinks they're the Jim Halpert of their office is usually the
Andy Bernard.
	―ChewieDefense, Nov 2015
%
If all men get a boner every morning, then it means humanity has been doing an
unending boner wave around the earth since forever.
	―steveo202c, Jun 2016
%
I think the Wicked Witch kept the flying monkeys around to mask her terrible
smell since she could never shower.
	―RumoredToBeGreat, Oct 2015
%
I wonder how many thousands of dollars I have missed out on in special effects
in movies by blinking.
	―Tactical_Tugboats, Jun 2015
%
Trailer Park Boys are the adult version of Ed, Edd & Eddy. Three nutjobs
try a bunch of schemes to get rich, and almost always fail hilariously.
	―Yiazmad, Feb 2016
%
Batman only fights crime at night because otherwise he would have weird and
obvious tan lines.
	―Krutzfeldt1, Jun 2016
%
When the North Korean citizens finally get freedom of information and internet
they're going to realize the whole world was making fun of their country
	―DanTheManVan, Oct 2014
%
Every time one of my relatives (mostly Grandma) try to convince me to have
kids, they're literally rooting for me to come inside a girl.
	―Dick_FitzweII, Mar 2016
%
My parents are going to think I'm doing drugs when I say, "Going out for a
walk". But I'll really just be trying to catch pokemon. What a turn of events
	―Petethepet25, Jul 2016
%
Rap songs that reference dollar values won't adjust for inflation and the
references will sound cheaper over time.
	―sagrr, Aug 2014
%
If you step on people's feet, they will open their mouth, just like trash
bins.
	―DrivingMyType59, Dec 2014
%
Adult websites should make MILF related premium content free today
	―CallMe_Dig_Baddy, May 2016
%
Drunk History is all fine and good, but I would watch the shit out of High
Conspiracy Theories.
	―Poopooplatterskillme, Aug 2015
%
If one person says a word wrong, it's a mispronunciation. If enough people do
it, it's an accent.
	―yellowbasket, Jun 2016
%
I wonder if spiders get as pissed off as I do when I walk through their
webs...
	―elonc, May 2015
%
I don't know what the word irony means anymore because so many people keep
using it incorrectly. Oddly enough I suspect that that's ironic but I have no
clue.
	―greengrasser11, Jul 2015
%
For Google to just turn 18, I've been asking some very inappropriate questions
to someone underage for quite awhile.
	―CruiseWeld, Sep 2016
%
If you ask a girl out on Feb 29, you can save like 75% on anniversary presents
in the long run
	―_chanandler_bong, Feb 2016
%
For an "adult cartoon" I've found that I've enjoyed Family Guy less and less
as I've grown older
	―0ddStranger, Jul 2016
%
Winter is really going to separate the Pokémon Masters from the Pokémon
Trainers
	―Umbrifer, Jul 2016
%
Next year, Apple is going to showcase the addition of a 3.5mm jack to iPhones
like they invented wired sound.
	―fjordfjord, Sep 2016
%
Knowing you sleep 8 hours a day or you spend 1/3 of your life sleeping sounds
perfectly normal. But, if you tell me I'm asleep 4 months out of every year,
it sounds insane.
	―DoNotUpvoteTooMuch, Apr 2016
%
If Hogwarts is the finest, high class school for witches and wizards I'd love
to see a spinoff movie of one of the more ghetto, inner-city magic schools.
	―iamninjabob, Feb 2016
%
When a university rejects your application, you literally paid them money just
for them to tell you to go fuck yourself.
	―senor_danger_zone, Jul 2016
%
"Is anyone downloading something?" is just the 21rst century version of "Is
someone using hot water?"
	―SavEx_, Sep 2015
%
Tomorrow I graduate. In all likelihood at least one picture taken will be used
at my funeral to remember me. Tomorrow I pose for my funeral.
	―Favoritecolorsreddit, May 2015
%
If Stan Lee's cameos in Marvel movies were actually all one single character,
he'd be an inter-dimensional being traveling through time and space to
seemingly observe various heroes at key moments of their lives. It would
easily make him one of the most powerful characters in the Marvel Universe
	―ktrcoyote, May 2016
%
The sheer lack of child zombies in Walking Dead would mean that society was
already doomed before the outbreak
	―Heyitsgizmo, Oct 2015
%
As a bartender I don't think twice about serving someone 8-10 rum and cokes
over the course of a night, but if someone ordered 8-10 cokes, I would think,
what the fuck is wrong with this guy?
	―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016
%
There should be a shop where they have a boob scanner which 3D prints the
perfect bra for you.
	―dinosaur-crack, May 2015
%
More people have visited the International Space Station than my house.
	―[deleted], Nov 2015
%
Sending your navy to sit in international waters just off a country's
coastline is the world's highest-stakes game of "I'm not touching you"
	―BaconContest, Oct 2015
%
Colgate had a 5 million dollar commercial to tell me to turn my faucet off to
save water for the needy. When that 5 million could buy 74,671,445 bottles of
water and they could tell me how to brush my teeth on their box.
	―McWitt, Feb 2016
%
By typing "HEY, YOUR FOOD IS READY" here, there's a good chance I just helped
someone out.
	―A-D-A-M_, Feb 2016
%
"Toxins" are just the modern day equivalent to evil spirits; mysterious
entities in your body which require esoteric substances and rituals to expel.
	―amplifizzle, Oct 2015
%
I can't wait until I'm 80 when I can be as lazy and worthless as I am now, but
instead of being considered a loser people will be amazed that I can still
smoke pot and play video games.
	―yum_paste, Sep 2016
%
If a Stormtrooper shoots and kills a major character in the new Star Wars
movie, it will be the greatest plot twist of all time.
	―ANPhiK, Apr 2015
%
There's a point when parents stop hoping you're not having sex, and start
hoping you ARE having sex.
	―VasyaK, May 2015
%
The boy scouts should sell jerky door to door. I would get excited about that.
	―Stompedyourhousewith, Feb 2015
%
If I die in the same hospital as I was born in the average velocity of my life
would be 0
	―yohan99, Feb 2016
%
If Hillary Clinton wins in 2016, it will be the first time that two presidents
have had sex with each other.
	―AlibiBreakfast, Jul 2013
%
Voldemort was 71 when he died and the average life span in the the UK is 80
years, so had Voldemort not searched for eternal life he probably would have
actually lived longer.
	―r_il, Oct 2016
%
My phone when I'm bored is like my fridge when I'm hungry.
	―AlfyDaKid06, Jan 2016
%
Every now and then I suddenly realize that other people's lives are just as
complex as my own, and that they have no clue what happens in my head, just as
I have no idea what happens in theirs. It's like looking at the stars and
suddenly feeling very small.
	―J_Bowen, Sep 2016
%
Actors Kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when
someone holds the door for me i think about it for 5 months
	―paechoul, Jul 2016
%
15 years from now there will be a Buzzfeed article titled "These 19 super
creepy photos of Brazil's abandoned Olympic buildings will give you
nightmares!! (especially #11)"
	―Third_Redditor_Ever, Aug 2016
%
The DMV should make keychain sized driver's licenses so nobody can drive
without carrying licenses by accident.
	―BusterFella, Aug 2015
%
Whenever someone famous dies, there is always someone that thinks "Gotta edit
that wikipedia page"
	―Ahhchemistrywork, Jul 2016
%
I always avoid the 'Ad' links when Google searching, even when that is the
link that I want.
	―originalwombat, Mar 2016
%
Buying hardcover copies of new books should come with a digital eBook code the
way buying Blu-rays comes with a digital download.
	―Chirrut, Jul 2016
%
In 100 years from now people will be able to go to Google Maps street view,
enter any year after 2007, and truly be able see what the world looked like
back then.
	―Italics_RS, Aug 2015
%
Self Driving Cars are going to Exponentially Increase the Amount of Car Sex
	―itsthedude99, Sep 2015
%
Sleep is like a 33% tax on life.
	―Shipwreck_Kelly, Jun 2016
%
If combat in Harry Potter is based on saying spells quickly and at the right
time, rappers would basically be the magical Navy SEALs.
	―Snoopislurking, Aug 2016
%
I bet I can have pretty loud sex without offending the neighbors, as long as I
play the Game of Thrones theme song first.
	―lol_and_behold, Oct 2015
%
When Rick Astley really dies, nobody will click on the link because they are
scared of being Rickrolled.
	―PervertedPeacock, Apr 2016
%
Bisexual girls could alternatively be called "more-or-less-bians"
	―zyklon, Sep 2013
%
Every time you've beaten a computer at chess it's because it let you win.
	―Dr_Octomom, Mar 2015
%
Some porn websites let you hover over the thumbnail to see a quick slideshow
of the video, while youtube still lacks this technology.
	―evan3138, Apr 2016
%
Asking someone "where are you" is a recent thing. Before we had mobile phones,
the only way we could talk to people is if we knew where they were.
	―saint1997, Apr 2014
%
If someone says "pinch me, I must be dreaming". You shouldn't pinch them,
because if they wake up you stop existing.
	―godofintangibility, Apr 2015
%
I wish they would make a prequel to "Zombieland" that just followed Bill
Murray around in his day to day life dressed as a zombie doing random things
while the world crumbles around him.
	―Caringforarobot, Aug 2016
%
'Coffee flavored water' doesn't sound good but that's what coffee is.
	―orangeslash, Jul 2016
%
I am pretty sure that most of the adults who told me wiki is a terrible
source, now use viral facebook posts for most of their "news sources".
	―JohnConnormaybe, Aug 2016
%
If I was a pornstar, I'd be pretty god damn salty that Kim Kardashian is
number #1 on Pornhub
	―HereComesChuckieChan, Mar 2016
%
When I was young, falling in love was easy. Getting laid was not. Now that I'm
older, getting laid is easy, finding love appears to be damn right impossible.
	―ilovepumpkin, Sep 2015
%
Having $200 in your bank account feels amazing when you're younger, but
terrifying when you're older.
	―w-f-w, Dec 2015
%
Yesterday I got a free burrito from Chipotle that they gave away as a result
of the E. Coli outbreaks. I have never gotten E. Coli. Thus E. Coli has only
had a positive impact on my life.
	―GreatGreenGames, Feb 2016
%
The genius of Nutella isn't so much how is tastes but how the company was able
to market what is basically frosting as an acceptable breakfast spread.
	―Mr_Saturn1, Jul 2016
%
How hilarious would it be if farting was as contagious as yawning
	―PijiX, Dec 2014
%
The reason why ghosts don't kill people in real life is because if they did,
those people would become ghosts and it would become really awkward.
	―SgtSlaughterEX, Jul 2015
%
Smoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you're a
procrastinator.
	―skee_ball, Nov 2015
%
It is amazing to think that nighttime is actually the natural state of the
universe, and the only reason we have daytime is because Earth just so happens
to be facing a giant star illuminating it.
	―bertonomus, Apr 2015
%
Video game monsters always carry gold because that's what the villain paid
them to kill you.
	―protagonizer, Jul 2015
%
If you had a kid named Marco, the worst place to lose him would be at a
swimming pool.
	―captnkurt, Nov 2015
%
I find it funny how the first Netflix ads were aired on TV. It's like the the
television networks assisted in their own homicide.
	―ugottjon, Sep 2016
%
Naming a porn website "Brazzers" is really considerate because the name can be
typed entirely with the left-hand.
	―JordanRUDEmag, Mar 2015
%
Kanye West should've waited until Taylor Swift was accepting her Grammy and
released his new album as she started her speech.
	―ParrotFightClub, Feb 2016
%
Myers Briggs Personality Types are like Zodiac signs for people who think
they're too smart to believe in astrology.
	―lovesuprayme, May 2016
%
The song "Summer of '69" will have a major resurgence in 53 years
	―DrejmeisterDrej, Jun 2016
%
We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn't need to look at watches. Now
we put mobile phones in our watches so we don't need to look at our mobile
phones.
	―ubuntulive, Aug 2016
%
In Shakespearean English, a euphemism for a guys penis was “wit”. So, “the
length of a man’s wit” is actually a clever euphemism for talking about how
big his dick was. This brings a whole new meaning to the Harry Potter
Ravenclaw tagline of “wit beyond measure is a man’s greatest treasure”.
	―booksblanketsandtea, May 2016
%
Now that I'm older I spend a lot of time calling people out on bullshit/stolen
posts, and reporting posts that break the rules. I'm turning into the internet
version of an old man yelling at kids to get off their lawn.
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
The person directly in front of you is also the person that is the farthest
behind you.
	―SluffyD, May 2016
%
We should get an employee discount with self checkout
	―stlknowswhy, Jun 2016
%
Agar.io is basically that game that you watched as a kid where you look at the
rain drops sliding down on the car windshield.
	―DavidR747, Dec 2015
%
Being a professor at Hogwarts sounds highly prestigious until you realize
you're still just a high school/middle school teacher
	―A_Pit_of_Cats, Mar 2016
%
You can tell Arrested Development is an old TV show because it's about a CEO
who goes to prison.
	―unsanitary_napkin, Sep 2016
%
Toilet paper should be free and have advertising printed on it.
	―catchyphrase, Sep 2016
%
When you're criticised for being short, they're really just saying the worst
thing about you is that there isn't more of you
	―JaSfields, Aug 2015
%
The only thing I would actually pay an arm and a leg for would be a
futuristic, robotic arm and a leg.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
I'm still friends on facebook with a girl i fingered at a club when i was 18
but have lost more than half of my high school friends because we weren't
close enough.
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
I wonder if it's appropriate to get a "it's a boy!" or "it's a girl!" ballon
for someone recovering from a sex change operation.
	―Shit-sandwich-, Aug 2016
%
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks
	―electrovert, Jul 2015
%
Self-driving cars will occasionally be pulling up to a destination with a
corpse inside, the sole passenger having expired during the trip.
	―pants6000, Oct 2015
%
Browsing Netflix has become like opening the fridge for a snack: look through,
leave, lower standards, go back, repeat until something looks good enough.
	―LawlessBoar, Nov 2015
%
Spilling a full drink you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a
balloon
	―DeezNeezuts, Jul 2016
%
The $5 milkshake from Pulp Fiction seems reasonably priced now.
	―PMmeeShopCodes, Aug 2016
%
Google should launch Googlr, similar to Tinder, Grindr, and Sizzlr, to match
you with potential soulmates based on your search history.
	―Higgenbottoms, Oct 2015
%
We talk about Ancient Romans like they were basically all the same, but the
civilization lasted almost 1000 years. That's like saying people in 2016 and
1016 are basically the same.
	―SmokeyBare, Aug 2016
%
I wonder how many nudes and dick pics Team Snapchat have got...
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
Trees live underground and use the above-ground part as a snorkel.
	―lacrimalicious, Sep 2016
%
"Google Drive" will mean a completely different thing in a few years.
	―self-confidence, Jan 2016
%
I want Taylor Swift to date Eminem, and then to break up, just to listen to
these two's dis songs towards each other.
	―scriblet123, Oct 2016
%
Milk is a flavor of chocolate, but chocolate is a flavor of milk
	―[deleted], Feb 2016
%
Jumanji taught us that the scariest thing in the African jungle is a white guy
with a gun.
	―emilgromm, Jun 2016
%
The Incredibles is really dark for a kids movie. The villain murders dozens,
tries to kill some parents, tries to kill some kids, kidnaps a baby, and is
then shredded alive in a jet engine.
	―xenomorphgirl, Dec 2015
%
The Olympics should give out Platinum medals if you manage to take first place
AND break a world record doing so.
	―glitch481, Aug 2016
%
r/tifu would be a lot more interesting if people could go on reddit for an
hour after they die
	―OutrageousEagle, Apr 2015
%
I've only seen "Babe" once but I've said "That'll do pig" at least 1,000 times
	―TigOlMcSnittyBits, Oct 2015
%
With so many kids using iPads and other tablets, Apple should have a setting
that makes Siri ask for proper manners to help teach them since they talk to
her so often.
	―TheJman967, Dec 2015
%
I hope tomorrow we all can wake up, have a normal day, and go home and go to
bed.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
Marvin the Martian was the ref in space jam because he's both an alien and a
looney toon. He's neutral.
	―extrasaltyfries, Oct 2016
%
Thanks to the word "indescribable", there's nothing that cannot be described
	―YJCH0I, Feb 2015
%
When I was a child I slept with the door open because I was scared of what
might be inside my room. Now I sleep with my door closed because of what might
be outside my room.
	―IAMWhited, Jul 2015
%
Maybe North Korean scientists and engineers aren't incompetent and are
actually just sabotaging efforts to increase North Koreas military for the
good of the world.
	―CastIronHotDog, Oct 2016
%
Math teachers help the world by creating problems.
	―DragonScorch, Oct 2015
%
The real winners of Pokémon GO are all the service providers that will rake it
in when everyone goes over their data allowance.
	―notasabretooth, Jul 2016
%
Scientists are adult kids stuck in the "why phase".
	―JustAPoorBoy42, Sep 2016
%
If you have a 3d printer, you could torrent Lego sets.
	―tb12rm, Jan 2015
%
It's messed up that you can accidentally make a person but you can't
accidentally make a pizza.
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
As a college student, I am never thankful enough to the individuals who go out
of their way to put the latest edition of a textbook online for me to be able
to pirate
	―irbinator, Aug 2016
%
If humans had invented refrigeration early on, our food would be extremely
bland with no cheeses, cured meats, pickled veggies, smoked fish, sweet jams,
etc.
	―aloofloofah, Sep 2015
%
A Bachelor party is more appropriate after a Divorce than before a wedding.
	―jeniferfuti04, Oct 2016
%
Whoever decided farts are embarrassing really ruined it for the rest of us.
	―elreydelosgueys, May 2016
%
If I forget my password it means my past self has outwitted my present self
	―franchise1140, Feb 2016
%
We have two universal languages: mathematics, and music. One to describe the
universe, and one to describe how we feel about it.
	―Alfalfa_Centauri, Aug 2016
%
The Internet is basically a teenager right now. It's got all this potential,
but the only thing it's focused on is buying things, trying to be popular, and
sex.
	―WHO_TF_AM_I, May 2015
%
There were James Bond movies released in 2006 and 2008, but not 007.
	―Calber4, Jan 2016
%
Ron Swanson should get a spinoff show that is an HGTV-like show mocumentary
where he works with annoying couples who want to fix their homes
	―A_polite_cough, Jul 2015
%
According to the mac & cheese box, I am a family of 4
	―mxax, Sep 2015
%
The saddest thing about the 'Last time I had sex was in 2003' song line in Jon
Lajoie's Everyday Normal Guy song is that it gets a little bit sadder every
year.
	―dustofoblivion123, Mar 2016
%
I think of all you people as my minions working hard to find funny and
interesting things for me on the internet.
	―TheOmegaMale, Sep 2015
%
My birth control pills are like a shitty advent calendar for my period.
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
No matter how much you trust someone, you still make them stand up to prove
they aren't sitting on the remote control
	―TheSanityInspector, Feb 2016
%
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" would be a terrible way to let
your child know that they're adopted.
	―red_leinad, May 2015
%
In Phantom Menace, there were more than a hundred Jedi and only 2 Sith. If
Anakin is meant to bring balance to the force, the Jedi council must have
known what the only logical outcome of training Anakin will have been.
	―shogoh, Dec 2015
%
V, The Roman numeral for 5, is the top half of X, the Roman numeral for 10.
	―BeardThunder, Mar 2016
%
Michael Phelps is actually pretty slow for an aquatic mammal.
	―regulate213, Aug 2016
%
There should be an optional "people are sleeping" button on the microwave so
stop from all the extra loud beeping.
	―[deleted], Jan 2014
%
Our diets are comprised of almost all dead stuff. But if something has been
dead for too long it's inedible and rotten. Our food has to be the right
amount of dead to be edible.
	―clyde2003, Dec 2015
%
I bet Sloppy Joe meat would taste amazing in a quesadilla, and you could call
them Sloppy Josés
	―Kip_karo, May 2016
%
Bill Nye's recent spike in popularity is due to the generation of kids who
watched his videos in grade school coming to power.
	―DildoEngineer, Oct 2015
%
Knowing how to change a tire and jumpstart a dead battery should be part of
the test for a drivers license.
	―zubaba, Jun 2015
%
"See you next year" must be the most over used dad-joke every December.
	―hypnogoad, Dec 2015
%
Toys R Us should change their mascot from a giraffe to a dinosaur, a
"Toysaurus".
	―Tk_Fury, Feb 2015
%
I wonder how many amazing songs have been made by completely unknown musicians
and will be never heard
	―Tug_Lyfe, Apr 2016
%
If the word "bomb" was pronounced like "womb" and "tomb" it would be almost
onomatopoeic.
	―El_Alonzo, Aug 2014
%
If there's ever an X-men movie solely about Mystique, a mirror would make a
great movie poster.
	―Raining_whales, Jan 2015
%
The world's best masseuse will never get the world's best massage.
	―6rant, Nov 2015
%
Now thats millions of people have ditched cable for services like Netflix,
millions of children are going to grow up without being (as) influenced by
commercials and the news. It's a social experiment in waiting.
	―_Mellex_, Mar 2015
%
My Blizzard account has more security than my bank account.
	―Coffeechipmunk, Oct 2015
%
Folding clothes is just creating socially-accepted wrinkles.
	―willyolio, Jun 2016
%
When Pizza is cut into squares, I lose all sense of what is a reasonable
amount to eat.
	―uncletugboat, Oct 2016
%
My friend just told me condoms are for "fucking pussies." He was literally
right.
	―theprocrastinator21, Aug 2015
%
I only write etc. because i dont know more examples.
	―Arnee_me, Sep 2016
%
Most millionaires continue to work very hard despite being worth millions of
dollars. There is no way I'd be working, which is why I probably won't be a
millionaire.
	―ShittingVomit, Jun 2015
%
I correct autocorrect more than it corrects me.
	―bobbyzee, Jan 2016
%
If your bully gets a job at a fast-food restaurant, they are still taking your
lunch money
	―tom_is_pullin, Oct 2016
%
Maybe Bigfoot discovered shaving a while back and now people just think he's
some tall dude when he's on the bus or whatever
	―sweetcuppingcakes, Sep 2016
%
If McDonald's "forgot" a $.50 piece of extra cheese 10 times a day at each of
their 36,000 locations, that wasn't disputed, then they steal 60+ million
dollars a year.
	―IseeSuns, Sep 2015
%
You can't spell "american dream" without "Eric Andre" right in the middle
	―malachimusclerat, Oct 2016
%
As time passes, more and more people will believe "That '70s Show" was made in
the '70s.
	―perchrc, Nov 2015
%
If I found $5, I'd pocket it. If I found $5000, I'd report it. I'd guess I'd
rather find $5.
	―ithinkitsbeertime, Oct 2016
%
If OJ Simpson Hadn't screwed up we wouldn't be having all this Kardashian shit
	―udit_kumar, Sep 2015
%
When people say "I'd love to be in the zombie apocalypse!" They're basically
saying, "I'd love to go on a killing spree and not feel bad about it"
	―Catjak56, Oct 2015
%
If you had to donate $5 in order to change your profile picture, my news feed
would probably be a lot less french
	―quacker245, Nov 2015
%
Every insect I've ever killed just lost its Final Boss Battle...
	―nickspeerience, May 2016
%
Tesla's Autopilot Just made Getting a Road Blowjob Much Safer
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
Tinder and Spotify should pair up and match you with people who listen to the
same music as you.
	―MAG_Reloaded, Jun 2016
%
Finally figured out what makes Clickbait titles so effective.
	―Longrodrington, Apr 2015
%
People say new cars are horrible investments, that they drop in value the
minute you drive off of the lot. My college textbooks dropped 90% in value as
soon as I opened them.
	―regionalfirm, Jun 2015
%
I want to see an action movie in which Tom Cruise defects from a cult, and
then gets revenge on the leadership who would threaten his family
	―hyperjumpgrandmaster, Jul 2015
%
Daredevil and Batman should switch names. One is a blind guy that fights crime
using echo location and the other is a rich guy that fights crime with crazy
stunts and high tech gadgets.
	―chrysoprasis, Apr 2015
%
Toasters should be transparent, so you can see how toasted your bread is
before it burns
	―Fedy_Fedora, Nov 2015
%
Baby names aren't actually baby names, they are just 'names'.
	―S3w3ll, Jun 2016
%
If the Pope sneezes, nobody is in a high enough position of power to bless him
	―Ginglymostomatidae, Apr 2016
%
Sleeping in is considered lazy, but going to bed early is not
	―Yeah_righto_mate, Jul 2016
%
Since doggy style is used by animals ranging from mice to elephants, it really
should be called "Beast Mode"
	―dcav, Oct 2015
%
It will really freak Marty McFly out when he arrives and everyone is expecting
him, dressed up like him, and having parties in his honor.
	―AegisToast, Oct 2015
%
My son's enthusiasm for Kylo Ren creeps me out as a father.
	―beckywithgoodhare, Jul 2016
%
Cars should come with a friendly horn and an angry horn.
	―the_worstusername, Aug 2015
%
Since there are no movie theaters in Compton, you need to go straight outta
Compton to see Straight Outta Compton.
	―mrshatnertoyou, Aug 2015
%
Porn sites should have bright backgrounds while the video is buffering so I
don't have to see my reflection
	―sugartits234, Jul 2016
%
Using energy from a wind farm to power a fan is like shipping wind long
distance.
	―Wasabi_Nasal_Spray, Nov 2015
%
There should be a place that guarantees not to talk to you while giving you a
haircut.
	―eulertriad, Dec 2015
%
Ironically, The One Ring from Lord of The Rings is probably the most
replicated ring ever.
	―Wild_Hearts_Run, Oct 2015
%
When I was 16 I'd sneak out to smoke pot so my parents wouldn't find out. Now
I'm 38 and I sneak out so my 16 year old doesn't find out.
	―PlatyNerd, Nov 2015
%
In some countries people are broke and don't even have clean drinking water
and in my country we have fountains in public places that spew clean water and
people just throw their unwanted money into it
	―yungd17, Oct 2016
%
It must be really tough to play a "Q" tile in Scrabble in England when you
have to waste the "U" on words like "colour" and "labour".
	―buckyboy28, Jun 2015
%
Bill Gates has about $6 for every year the universe has existed.
	―IAmJimmyNeutron, Jul 2015
%
If someone on the internet leads their post with "English is not my native
language.", you can be almost certain they're about to trot out the finest of
the King's English.
	―wtmh, Apr 2016
%
Laughing is so fucking weird. You just stare at the other person with your
mouth wide open making ridiculous sounds and sometimes you can't stop.
	―TheRose22, May 2016
%
When I touch my girlfriend with my cold hands, I am literally taking energy
from her for myself. Like a supervillain.
	―badnamerrrr, Mar 2015
%
28 years of training, give or take, and I'm still not sure I've mastered
wiping my butt efficiently.
	―dae_hagens, Jul 2015
%
The reason the washing machine only eats one sock is because when it eats the
whole pair I never notice.
	―randomThought123, Sep 2015
%
There should be a game where it starts with old school graphics and as you
level up it gets better and better
	―Black_dynamite55, Jul 2016
%
In order to grow our muscles, we kill other animals and eat THEIR muscles.
	―JamalBruh, Sep 2016
%
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics
	―rhymenasourus, Jan 2016
%
Maybe aliens haven't visited us because they live millions of light years away
and think there are only dinosaurs on our planet.
	―cscottaxp, Apr 2016
%
I think one thing that's clear with the rise of Tumblr, Flickr, Scribd,
Grindr, etc, is that people are pretty fucking sick of the letter e.
	―-salt-, Jun 2016
%
If Halloween wasn't already an established tradition, there's no way today's
neurotic parents would be OK with it being introduced
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
The fact that a 4 years old kid can use an smart phone does not mean the kid
is a genius, it means engineers are.
	―mcmalajunta, Aug 2015
%
The Rio Olympics are like the movie Titanic. We all know a disaster is coming
but we are going to watch it anyway.
	―ifurmothronlyknw, Aug 2016
%
As a woman pregnant with a baby boy, I'm literally growing a penis
	―Strekkie23, Aug 2014
%
Reddit is like a friend that you think is really funny at first until you
realize that they just repeat the same jokes over and over again.
	―HumanOfTheYear2013, Jul 2015
%
The reason that every person who uses a Walmart bathroom seems to have
explosive diarrhea is because that is the only circumstance you'd want to use
a Walmart bathroom.
	―Said_no_juan_ever, Jul 2015
%
Eating crappy food while watching food shows is a bit like watching porn and
masturbating.
	―rooowdy, Jul 2016
%
If we had no eyes then we would be unaware of the existence of color. What if
we are are missing an entire aspect of everything simply because we do not
have the organ to detect it?
	―Scotth329, Jan 2015
%
A ton of cows is not a lot of cows
	―pikaras, Jul 2015
%
Before I was born, I was just a man trapped in a woman's body.
	―rearwindows, Oct 2015
%
As a very slim, small person, I like to think people believe they hit the
jackpot when I choose to sit next to them on a plane.
	―Worlds_Biggest_Troll, Sep 2015
%
Being attracted to women or men who wear glasses is the one fetish for the
disabled that is socially acceptable
	―MojarraMuncher, Apr 2016
%
Being bored on Reddit is basically saying that you can't even be entertained
by the combined efforts of a billion people
	―mordymoop, Jun 2016
%
What if all humans are born with one wish, but we all wasted it when we were
4-5 on some candy or getting a ball for christmas
	―churrascopalta, Nov 2015
%
i use to come to reddit for fun and entertainment, but lately i come every
morning primarily to check if there were any mass murders while i slept
	―burgerlover69, Jul 2016
%
Four-leaf clovers ARE lucky, considering our species has been systematically
trying for some time now to remove them from the gene pool.
	―banyanroot, Mar 2015
%
If I were a cop, I'd drive an unmarked car with a "honk if you're drunk"
bumper sticker.
	―walden1nversion, Sep 2015
%
If you view a bald eagle at the zoo, you are looking at the American symbol of
freedom in captivity.
	―keytarin, Mar 2014
%
If Elmer Fudd spent all of his time trying to rape Bugs Bunny, it would be
horrific. But since he's trying to murder him, it's OK.
	―YOGZULA, Nov 2015
%
Wearing earphones at the gym is sometimes less about listening to your own
music, and more about blocking out the terrible music they play.
	―YouWannaSomeWang, Jan 2016
%
The reason I like staying up so late so much is because between the hours of
1am to 5am, the world is quiet and no one expects anything from me. I could
stare at my wall for 4 hours and there would be no consequences. It's so
silent and calm. I love it.
	―Squishy_the_man, Jun 2016
%
There should be a website where you can enter all of your measurements and
find out what clothing brands will likely fit you best.
	―jesuschrist82, May 2015
%
Ideally, Leonardo DiCaprio wins an Oscar, pulls a speech out of his pocket,
blows dust off it and recites a thank you speech he wrote from "What's Eating
Gilbert Grape."
	―July_Sandwich, Jan 2016
%
You can tell someone doesn't read much if they keep trying to talk to you
while you're reading a book
	―scaredybat, Jul 2016
%
When going to bed, I can never find a comfortable position. Yet when waking
up, every position is comfortable.
	―Scrubo, Jun 2016
%
My entire life so far has been a sequence of side quests and I've barely
touched the main quest at all. No kids, no house, don't drive. Only story
mission I've completed so far is having gone to school.
	―chazzwazzle, Jul 2016
%
Sometimes I wonder if my life is in shambles because of all the chain letters
that I never forwarded to ten of my closest friends.
	―OccasionallyWitty, Jan 2016
%
Kids of the future will think the emergency number 911 was because of 9/11
	―jcast015, May 2016
%
As a child I was told Wikipedia was an unreliable website and I should never
use it. Now it's the first place I go when I need information.
	―ThatGuyWhoIsBad, Dec 2015
%
There will never be any more people older than me than there are right now.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
Children of gay couples probably shouldn't gift a #1 Dad mug on Father's Day
	―ReauCoCo, Oct 2015
%
If humans would live up to 1000 years instead of 100 or less we would think
very differently about climate change.
	―menuk, Jul 2015
%
When The Simpsons first aired, I was 10 years old, the same age as
Bart. Today, I am Homer's age.
	―jenglasser, Aug 2014
%
For a website that's 90% reposts, Reddit cares a lot when a comedian steals a
joke.
	―turniemac, Jan 2016
%
Being described as "The Last of My Name" is way cooler than "an only child"
	―magnum226, Nov 2015
%
I kind of hope that one day in the future our recorded history gets lost or
distorted to the point that the events of the Lord of The Rings are somehow
misinterpreted to have actually happened long ago.
	―sonofmog, Jun 2016
%
My daughter's sad observation last night: "Aww. The sun will never get to see
the fireworks."
	―Jujutsujoe, Jul 2016
%
2016 is like a montage of news footage you see in the beginning of a
post-apocalyptic movie explaining how the world was ruined.
	―paranoidbrandroid, Jul 2016
%
Reddit cares more about Leonardo's Oscar than Leonardo does.
	―ProfessorReds, Jan 2016
%
Puberty is like a forced free upgrade for humans
	―meurl, Oct 2016
%
When you say the word "crisp", it moves from the back of your mouth to the
front as you say it.
	―ReddyAmyFire, Mar 2014
%
There should be a Rotten Tomatoes type site that rates critics instead of
films so we know whose opinions to completely ignore.
	―Phister_BeHole, Jan 2015
%
I can't wait for the wave of angry parents who took their kids to see the
Deadpool movie without knowing what it is
	―actually_crazy_irl, Feb 2016
%
Door to door salespeople are just real life popup ads.
	―ICanSeeYourPixels0_0, Sep 2015
%
I wonder if they draw Waldo first and then fill everyone in around him, or
draw everything first and then find somewhere to hide him.
	―komfortablyknumb, Jan 2016
%
In 50 years, 'Old lady' names will be things like Tiffany, Brittany, and
Nikki.
	―POCKALEELEE, Jul 2015
%
It feels way more like Starwars season than it does Christmas this year
	―buddhamunche, Dec 2015
%
Reddit is the only website where I come looking for NSFW content and end up
getting distracted by SFW content.
	―Dwindellan, May 2016
%
Marijuana activists are the only group of people that actually demand taxes be
added onto something they buy.
	―PlumbsWithWolves, Jul 2015
%
Japan, one of the least obese nations in the world have obese men fight for
entertainment whilst America, one of the most obese countries in the world,
have very fit people fight for entertainment
	―CommanderCurls, Jun 2016
%
My worst trait as a shitty American is experiencing frustration when filling
out a profile and finding that the 'Country' section doesn't have USA listed
at the top
	―PalmBeacham, Feb 2016
%
Like my grandparents, one day I'll tell my grandchildren what life was like in
the 20's & 30's.
	―DoubleGuns, May 2015
%
Porn sites should have a category of "The man is silent"
	―donniesf, Jan 2016
%
My cat probably thinks I go to the vet everyday since that's the only place he
has been that's not home
	―l_dont_even_reddit, Dec 2014
%
No matter what is being measured, I always picture the size of a gallon as a
plastic gallon milk jug.
	―Andy_Carl, Jul 2016
%
Leggings, yoga pants, skinny jeans; it's like this decade was made for the ass
man.
	―Dire88, Oct 2015
%
Steam is 13 years old now. It's old enough to have its own Steam account.
	―Solanstusx, Aug 2016
%
Menstruation is essentially like organizing a party without inviting any
guests, and then angrily throwing out all the decoration when no one shows up.
	―ManhandlingBacteria, Mar 2016
%
In the distant future some kid will disappoint their parents because they want
to get an art history degree and concentrate on memes of the 2010s.
	―theburnedmanwalks, Jun 2016
%
If I was a toy manufacturer I would make make a talking toy that said things
that were creepy 1 in 1000 times just to mess with people.
	―sexypoobby, Jul 2016
%
I think I've masturbated more times in my life than I've flossed.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
I get mild anxiety when I'm listening to the intro and I can't tell if it's
going to be "Ice Ice Baby" or "Under Pressure"
	―Symbiotic_Tragedy, Oct 2016
%
Meaning of ASAP has changed from "As soon as possible" to "Fucking now"
	―root_su, Jan 2016
%
I should get a tattoo of a QR code, so if somebody finds my body and scans it,
they'll be Rickroll'd.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
For a company named after a rainforest, Amazon sure does use a lot of
cardboard.
	―the_69th_dad, Mar 2016
%
I have never pressed the Shift key 5 times in short succession with the
intention of activating Sticky keys.
	―Imcando, Jul 2016
%
The old saying "Money can't buy happiness" should really be "Money can't stop
depression"
	―Tw_raZ, Jul 2016
%
If the toys in Toy Story died the kids would keep playing with them like
normal but the other toys would be playing with their dead friend.
	―Mordred912, Nov 2014
%
You can safely store milk and raw beef at 101.5 °F... in a cow.
	―Happy__Dad, Jun 2015
%
It'll be nice if you could shout "Siri where are you" and it'll respond "over
here" when trying to look for your iPhone
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
Winning a jar of jelly beans by guessing how many are in the jar is probably
the worse prize ever because someone counted every one of those beans and I
bet they didn't wear gloves.
	―growleroz, Apr 2016
%
The question "Am I as bored as you are?" can be read backwards and still make
sense.
	―just_blewmyself, Jun 2015
%
I started to use reddit 6 months ago, and now I can't remember how I used to
use Internet before reddit.
	―berutto, Feb 2016
%
If you were learing English by watching cop shows, you might think that
"Freeze" means "Run"
	―t666c, Jun 2016
%
If ghosts are real, why do people expect to see them in abandoned old places?
If I were a ghost I'd hang out at like disneyland or a girl's shower room
	―diff2, Oct 2015
%
Anakin Skywalker always complained about not being taken seriously, whined
constantly, and obsessed over one girl for decades who he called "m'lady". He
was the original neckbeard.
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
We make fun of people who're liking their own comments or posts on Facebook,
but on Reddit it's a default practice to like your own comments or posts.
	―Compty, Apr 2016
%
My body has its own version of Newton's law - when I'm awake I want to stay
awake and when I'm sleeping I want to keep sleeping.
	―dogecorleone, May 2015
%
Foo Fighters have been around for like 20 years, yet i hear the same damn 4
songs on the radio.
	―Veyron9190, Oct 2015
%
4chan has an uncomfortable amount of 30-year-old men openly lusting after
15-year-old girls. Tumblr has an uncomfortable amount of 15-year-old girls
lusting after 30-year-old men.
	―actually_crazy_irl, Jan 2016
%
I wonder how many watches are still ticking in buried coffins.
	―FrodoFluffyFeet, Apr 2016
%
I always want a poo that requires one clean wipe, but when it comes back clean
I always double check because I don't believe the first one.
	―Jonosurf75, Apr 2016
%
It's weird how yogurt is almost exclusively advertised to women
	―dexterjam, Jun 2016
%
10 Things I Hate About You sounds like a movie that would be produced by
BuzzFeed
	―kristjkm, Sep 2015
%
I occasionally still catch myself thinking 'when I grow up I'm going to...',
then I remember that I'm in my 30s with a wife and child, a house, car, job...
	―Mish106, Nov 2015
%
I left my moms house to deal with shitty roommates, higher bills, and more
responsibilities just so I can comfortably have sex.
	―freethinker84, May 2015
%
If I'm ignorant of the law, I get a citation. If the cop is ignorant of the
law, I get a citation.
	―Mister_Johnson_, Jul 2016
%
Thought from my Grandfather today, 'Life was tough then, but society is harder
now'
	―AustraliaCant, Jun 2016
%
The more a musician says their name at the beginning of their songs, the less
I believe in their talent.
	―PhoneJazz, Oct 2015
%
The speed of a clock's second hand is exactly 1 RPM.
	―retsoper123, Apr 2016
%
I just ate 40 chicken wings. At least 10 chickens had to die for my single
meal.
	―NotJimIrsay, Jul 2016
%
The reason it seems like everyone in public restrooms always has crazy
diarrhea is probably because no one really wants to shit in a public restroom
unless it's an emergency.
	―DeathStarDriveBy, Dec 2014
%
I realise now that when adult's occasionally didn't reply to something i said
when i was young, it wasn't because they didn't hear me, it's because i said
something stupid.
	―neutrns13, Sep 2016
%
If i see a video on Reddit that's longer than 2 minutes, I think to myself "I
don't have time to watch a video that long" then proceed to spend another hour
dicking around on Reddit
	―DankLoaf, Jun 2016
%
People in Christmas movies who don't believe in Santa are always portrayed as
jerks, even though they're technically right
	―nicklikesstuff, Sep 2016
%
In a few generations, kids will be frustratedly trying to remember today's
date for a U.S. history test.
	―Thru_mylens, Jun 2015
%
Pandora should have a never play this Artist again button.
	―Skyfer_the_Youtuber, Nov 2014
%
Intentionally losing at a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as
trying to win
	―itman290, Oct 2015
%
Having a creative password is really unfortunate. Because as much as you want
to, you can't tell anyone about it.
	―FancioPantsio, Dec 2015
%
The ability for humans to toss/throw/lob an object with a decent level of
accuracy while calculating the angle, speed, distance and trajectory in a
split second is incredible.
	―searedbuttcheeks, Jul 2015
%
Neil Patrick Harris has kissed more girls during his time on How I Met Your
Mother than I have in my entire lifetime. And he's gay.
	―kidknowledge, Jul 2015
%
There's a massive difference between eating ramen noodles because you want to
and eating them because you have to.
	―thefantasticfellatio, Jun 2016
%
"Dream job" is an oxymoron. My dream is to not need a job.
	―enriquemontalvo, Jul 2016
%
That guy in Star Wars IV who stops the other guys from blasting C3PO and R2D2
when they are in the escape pod because "there are no lifeforms" is actually
the man who caused the Empire's downfall. He killed the empire with his love
of being cost-effective and saving money on laser beams.
	―scocane, Apr 2015
%
I can't imagine a male version of Orange is the New Black-- a show about men
going to prison and having sex with each other that I have to convince my
girlfriend to watch with me and all my straight male friends and I love and
talk about it.
	―Kidney05, Jul 2015
%
If I treated real life like Reddit, anytime I would walk into a crowded room,
I'd yell out a thought or question, leave for 10 minutes, go back in and walk
around trying to hear if people were talking about what I said.
	―First_Redditor_Ever, Nov 2015
%
When Fallout 4 is out, people everywhere will spend a long time inside,
playing a game about emerging from being inside for a long time
	―Itsapocalypse, Nov 2015
%
What if the only reason you can't pass through a mirror is because you are
blocking yourself?
	―rawb_dawg, Apr 2016
%
If Jesus were born today, DNA tests would prove who the father was.
	―mydogbuddha, Apr 2016
%
On a clear day I can only see about 4 miles to the horizon, but on a clear
night I can see millions of light years.
	―WhatsAllTheCommotion, Mar 2015
%
People would laugh at the idea of watching an 8 hour movie but have no problem
binge-watching a Netflix series that long.
	―JoeyZasaa, Aug 2016
%
Being in college at 28 is like going to Chuck E. Cheese. I'm the oldest person
here by far, there's a bunch of little kids running around crying and playing
stupid games with each other, and after spending a ridiculous amount of money
and earning enough points then maybe I can get a shitty prize.
	―L3moncola, Feb 2015
%
There is a teenager on Reddit right now who will become famous - causing
future historians to pour over his dank memes looking for clues to write his
biography.
	―Hq3473, Dec 2015
%
You don't teleport to the the other edge playing PacMan, the maze is a sphere
and we're looking at it like a world map.
	―cashmakessmiles, Apr 2016
%
/r/OldSchoolCool has become a contest of whose grandparents looked the best
	―soup_0, Sep 2016
%
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
	―New_Car_Wrecked, Dec 2014
%
The i is the center of the word "hurricane".
	―potheadmed, Sep 2014
%
Leaving an extra key under your doormat is like making your password
"password"
	―[deleted], Jul 2015
%
The more attractive you are, the less likely you are to be corrected when
you're wrong. No wonder super hot people say such dumb stuff.
	―SunRaSquarePants, Sep 2015
%
One of the most tragic aspects of a plane crash is that, presumably, most of
the passengers had airline food as their last meal.
	―Fionzone, Aug 2016
%
Today's date (2-20-2015) looks like it's stuttering
	―OnceAteABurgerAMA, Feb 2015
%
If the police catch all these creepy clowns and arrest them, they'll only need
one cruiser to put them in.
	―whoolzyourdaddy, Oct 2016
%
Leap Day should be an international holiday where all business is expressly
forbidden. Everyone gets a "free day" to spend extra time with loved ones,
chase dreams, or try something new.
	―IcarusTheSatellite, Feb 2016
%
r/mildlyinfuriating should have been spelled wrong
	―R-U, Jan 2015
%
All restrooms should be pull to enter, push to leave
	―opinionatedidiot, Apr 2015
%
If Dr. Evil were actually a Medical Doctor, he would have to have gone through
a Residency at one point. If he did, his title would be "Resident Evil".
	―themightyheptagon, Nov 2015
%
Teenagers are like cats. They are totally dependent on others and act like
they aren't.
	―MadMuffinTop, Aug 2016
%
The speed of a clock's second hand is exactly 1 RPM.
	―FromHEREto, Sep 2015
%
Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty kids now that global
warming is threatening his habitat.
	―JeremyMcLellan, Dec 2014
%
Maybe people don't put cats in boxes on the side of the road, they just put
out an empty box and all the stray cats in the area just sit in it.
	―npag, Nov 2014
%
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so?
Wouldn't there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
	―Shawanabear, Apr 2015
%
Every time I see a Marvel movie, I wonder if this will be the bad one. Every
time I see a DC movie, I wonder if this will be the good one.
	―Mark239, Aug 2016
%
When I was younger, I privately worried that I was a sexual deviant because of
the thoughts that ran through my head. But thanks to Internet porn, I
discovered that, not only am I normal, I am downright vanilla.
	―timhamilton47, Aug 2016
%
The most terrifying thing about this clown thing is that there could be
literally hundreds of them in just one tiny car.
	―aolchows, Oct 2016
%
I realized my friends have reached maturity since I can leave my Facebook open
without them posting "I am gay" as my status.
	―cantyouseeimblind, Jul 2016
%
When I die I want to see a mental highlight reel of all the best shots I've
made tossing things into trashcans
	―iamfatandsassy, Jun 2015
%
According to the "Third time's a charm" rule, Germany will somehow win the
next world war.
	―GuessWhatIGot, Jul 2015
%
The porn stars I'll eventually beat off to as an old man haven't even been
born yet.
	―Captain_Kuhl, Feb 2016
%
We will never hear about the truly perfect crime.
	―Cleffer, Jun 2014
%
Justin Bieber is a Canadian who has a hit song called "Sorry".
	―BlackPanther01, Dec 2015
%
If you judge it by number of people involved, Santa Claus being fake is
probably the largest cover up in history.
	―theforcesofevil, May 2016
%
Over time, the insult "two dollar whore" has become progressively more
offensive.
	―apocalypsemeow111, Apr 2014
%
If I'm brushing my teeth next to someone I always brush a bit longer than when
I'm by myself.
	―ack18chs, Nov 2015
%
Pain is nature's way of saying "don't do that". Painkillers are man's way of
saying "Watch me"
	―superZAKTAN, Nov 2015
%
Any amount of Oxygen is a lifetime supply of Oxygen
	―datorangeguy, Mar 2016
%
They should hand out a gold medal to the oldest person on earth during each
olympics, because life is the toughest sport there is
	―Tempematt, Aug 2016
%
About an hour after the final scene in many Disney movies, the main character
will be losing her virginity.
	―Thai-ed_Down, Dec 2014
%
I hope there is a special place is Hell for people who knock on bathroom doors
then immediately attempt to open the door.
	―jakeamus, Oct 2016
%
I'd much rather be somebody who can barely remember High School than somebody
who considers it to be the best years of their lives.
	―Dodgeriscool, Jan 2016
%
[nsfw] when a woman says she's never had an orgasm, guys take it as a
challenge. When a guy says I can't get it up, women take it as an insult.
	―SmokeAbeer, Oct 2016
%
Of all the billions of people out there, I am the one who has your attention.
	―Wevry, Jan 2016
%
Managers should have to get letters of recommendation from the people below
them before moving up to a higher position
	―HeavyBuckets, Jul 2016
%
Pokemon Go will be forever marked in history as the day US children finally
started going outside again, and most college aged people as well for that
matter
	―pax1, Jul 2016
%
If steroids are banned in bodybuilding competitions, makeup and plastic
surgery should be banned in beauty pageants.
	―talalq8i, Aug 2016
%
As a lonely man, I wish I could also masturbate my heart.
	―AnotherLonelyNo, Oct 2016
%
Tim Curry is British, famous in the US, and 69 years old. He must be bricking
it.
	―khmertommie, Jan 2016
%
I wish I could switch how I feel in the morning and the night, so when I wake
up it feels like there's no way I could go back to sleep and when I go to bed
I fall asleep the second I close my eyes.
	―Wakington, Apr 2016
%
Reddit is a lot like scientology. Batshit crazy, hard to leave, and every now
and again a celebrity shows up.
	―nathanmcc1, Oct 2015
%
Shaggy and Scooby always runaway side-by-side when fleeing in terror from a
monster. If a Great Dane's running speed is around 30-40 mph, that means that
Shaggy's can run at that same speed. This means that Shaggy is the fastest
human alive, beating Usain Bolt's top speed of 27 mph.
	―AceEntrepreneur, May 2016
%
If I moon you, photons that touched my butt touch your eyes
	―Mcbaldo, May 2015
%
If a centaur gave me a blow job, it'd just be gay human sex. If I gave a
centaur a blow job, it'd be bestiality.
	―Eklektik, Aug 2015
%
The creepiest possible thing you could see in r/creepy would be a picture of
yourself, on you computer browsing reddit.
	―MorrisMotion, May 2015
%
Burger King employees should be called Burger Knights.
	―UndeadShawn, Mar 2015
%
I have never heard a woman narrate a movie trailer.
	―Prexmorat, Jun 2015
%
If batteries could be charged from the friction of scrolling, our phones would
never die.
	―dieingstar, Oct 2016
%
In the word "scent", is it the S or the C that is silent?
	―teetheater, Aug 2014
%
The woman I am most likely interested in isn't at bars or meetup, but at home
watching Netflix, and there's no way I'll ever meet her.
	―Soulmemories, Nov 2014
%
"No Means No" would be a great title for a beginners Spanish textbook.
	―LivingInColor8, Mar 2015
%
Someday there will be a TIL post about how Disney didn't create Star Wars but
was actually made by some guy named George Lucas.
	―lextexiana, Dec 2015
%
The World's most masculine name is 'Guy Chapman' as it's effectively 'Bloke
Blokebloke'.
	―rekrab_eng, Apr 2015
%
The reason that four leaf clovers are so rare is that when ever someone finds
one they rip it out of the ground, effectively policing the gene pool.
	―Sleepy_time_wit_taco, May 2016
%
One of my greatest fears is that someone has written my favorite song, but
they're not famous enough for me to hear it.
	―Regularoldballoon, Oct 2016
%
If shaving commercials want to impress me then they should shave a bison, not
hairless legs.
	―Tm23246, Sep 2016
%
Weed is now legal in DC. But still illegal to buy, sell or consume it in
public. Although you can gift it. This is practically the definition of sex.
	―BoldRedSun, Feb 2015
%
When youtubers die their children will have hours upon hours of voice/video
recording to remember them by.
	―MasterLemons, Sep 2016
%
Going to see Star Wars tomorrow. I think I'm more excited about no longer
having to dodge spoilers than I am to see the actual movie.
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
I base my purchases almost solely on user reviews, but I never review products
myself.
	―Nodnarb31, Mar 2016
%
GTA 7 will play very boring because of self-driving cars.
	―dreamingofreddit, Apr 2015
%
The reason i like reddit is it gives me answer to questions i didn't even know
how to ask.
	―regokey, Apr 2015
%
If bill gates lost $1mil at a casino, he could buy the casino to get his money
back.
	―Timedoutsob, Jan 2016
%
The female stereotype of putting your hands on your hips exists because none
of their clothing has pockets.
	―MeowsiveUndersteer, Jul 2016
%
Somewhere, there really *is* a couple named Adam and Steve, and they're tired
of people pointing it out.
	―Lermpy, Jun 2015
%
I've seen my girlfriends butthole a lot more than she has.
	―depalman, Sep 2015
%
We store so much data, there will probably eventually be digital
archaeologists. Like Neo meets Indiana Jones.
	―joehov4, Nov 2015
%
When you buckle your seatbelt, you are wearing your car.
	―djm3bp, Aug 2016
%
I will be very disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn't named
Marvin.
	―flyingjeff, Oct 2016
%
2017 is less than 3 months away, and I still feel like 2010 was just 2 years
ago..
	―Dr_Mphuthi, Oct 2016
%
There are places in the Australian outback where if you are there at the right
time the closest person to you will be an astronaut on the ISS.
	―smileedude, Sep 2015
%
Maybe ghosts have sheets over them because they're people who died thinking
hiding under their sheets would save them
	―TheBongoMan, Jun 2016
%
If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into
your shirt.
	―amp123, Feb 2014
%
Sitting on the toilet upvoting and downvoting on Reddit is the closest I'll
ever be to a king judging from a throne.
	―SixVISix, Jul 2015
%
Pornhub should have a memories app like Facebook
	―vanghelion, Oct 2015
%
A buttload is an actual measurement for drug smugglers.
	―powerscunner, Sep 2014
%
They should get the scientists who work on shampoo technology to move to more
important fields like cancer research. Judging by commercials, they seem to be
making scientific breakthroughs at an astounding rate.
	―Balfe, Oct 2015
%
Facial recognition software can pick a face out of a crowd of people, but the
vending machine at my work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner
	―smashley951, May 2016
%
I wish I could unlearn English for one day so I could hear how it sounds
without meaning
	―notdunst, Feb 2015
%
More than 60 countries in the world annually celebrate getting rid of the
British.
	―Deckapuss, Jan 2016
%
If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance
enhancing drugs?
	―Hesoner, Apr 2016
%
If I treated people how I wanted to be treated, I would go around sucking
dick.
	―Orig_analUse_rname, Jun 2015
%
When getting all depressed about my sad, shitty life I realized that my dog
will be lucky to live another 4 years and he doesn't act like a little bitch
about it.
	―ButtersHound, Mar 2015
%
Chief Wiggum and his wife look very similar. If they were siblings, that would
explain a lot about Ralph Wiggum.
	―hankmarkdukis, Apr 2015
%
In movies where Santa exists and the parents don't believe in him, WHERE THE
FUCK DID THEY THINK THE PRESENTS WERE COMING FROM?
	―AndyDwyer, Nov 2015
%
The biggest lie Disney Channel's ever told me is that there are 10 minutes of
whatever the fuck you want between classes
	―bannaner5, Feb 2016
%
What if "go fuck yourself" means "go masturbate so you can think clearly and
see why this is a bad idea"
	―NotANinjask, May 2016
%
If Kirby grew a beard it would also be his pubes.
	―whud99, Sep 2015
%
Ellen should give away more stuff like Oprah and rename her show Ellen de
Generous
	―small_town_moon, Aug 2013
%
Hurricanes are becoming so powerful and violent that they should be named
after fictitious monsters and villains to encourage evacuation. Hurricane
Patricia doesn't sound scary, but Hurricane Sauron does.
	―self-aware_potato, Oct 2015
%
We've passed the turning point where numbers are now more difficult to type on
phones than letters.
	―namlub3, Feb 2015
%
Reddit humor is having inside jokes with strangers.
	―bad_memory_bot, May 2015
%
Killing a spider makes the spider genetic pool sneakier and more deadly.
	―godspeedmetal, May 2014
%
I guess if I had to eat a person I would want them to be a vegetarian. I like
irony and prefer grass fed beef.
	―spimpweed, Nov 2015
%
Sunburn is actually pretty crazy. Something 93 million miles away is burning
you.
	―BBbroist, Jul 2015
%
It's good that Wolverine can heal. He stabs people and never cleans his claws
before retracting them. He would have all sorts of blood diseases...
	―TheIrishDrinkinger, Jun 2016
%
I've stopped using Facebook and been using Reddit almost exclusively, the only
difference is I get the memes a day or two earlier and I don't hate everyone I
know
	―VotesBasedOnYourVote, Oct 2016
%
It's been over a decade and we still haven't introduced bold and italics to
text messages.
	―niko-, Jan 2015
%
If our ass was split horizontally, it would clap when we run down the stairs.
	―changingminds, Jul 2014
%
Anyone under 13 probably doesn't understand why we say hang up the phone
	―bambambigelowww, Jan 2016
%
If ghosts are real, i'd mostly be embarassed about how much I've masturbated
in front of them
	―Reverse789, Sep 2016
%
Today earphones have replaced hats. You take them off only when you meet
someone you have respect for.
	―sumiranj, Oct 2015
%
Of all the things that "Tastes like chicken", eggs are ironically not one of
them.
	―deuceott, Apr 2015
%
People who ask late-sleepers what time they woke up aren't actually interested
in the answer. They just want to feel superior for choosing to sleep at a more
convention time.
	―NoSpicyFood, Aug 2016
%
As a straight male, I sincerely hope that every man who is better looking than
me is gay.
	―DapperFrog, May 2016
%
10 years ago we all wanted cool ringtones. Now we all just use the standard
one
	―Cedriminator, Oct 2016
%
In my 33 years of life I've never once seen a squirrel shit or piss
	―fagetaboutit, Jun 2015
%
I feel like the kind of person who might mess with Texas wouldn't be dissuaded
by a bumper sticker.
	―ReluctantRedditor275, May 2015
%
If fire drills have done anything for me, they've taught me to treat fire
alarms as a joke.
	―RPaye, Mar 2015
%
500 years ago, pirates were a real danger and were not considered cute. I
wonder if, in 500 years, kids will be dressing up as Islamic Terrorists for
Halloween.
	―yummypi, Oct 2015
%
I wonder what the orphans in Stewart Little felt like after being told a
potential family picked a mouse over them.
	―holdpriority, May 2016
%
You should be able to put a tag on your username that says "learning English"
so that other users can help correct your grammar and spelling without seeming
like uptight assholes.
	―VLKN, Aug 2016
%
Since we sent a robot to Mars before sending humans, isn't it possible that
the first extraterrestrials that we encounter on Earth could not be the aliens
themselves, but their technology instead?
	―DextreOfficial, Jul 2015
%
I always stress out trying to hide my boner in public, but I've never noticed
another guy have a boner before
	―_BooRadley_, Nov 2015
%
Dolphins are so smart, that once captured, train humans to stand at the edge
of the pool and feed them fish
	―captainobvious254, Nov 2015
%
We are the first generation where turning something off and on again fixes the
problem because we are the first generation where most problems aren't
mechanical. That's why older generations are always so amazed when we fix
things, it used to take a lot of skill to fix things.
	―neuroeng, Mar 2016
%
I can only visualize a gallon in the shape of a milk jug.
	―brain739, Jul 2015
%
an easy way to spot a drug dealer is by how fast someone can do weight
conversions
	―coolnameright, Feb 2016
%
I wonder how often I turn up in other peoples dreams to do weird shit...
	―Peter_Dinkedladge, Jan 2016
%
Google maps should team up with garbage trucks to update street view weekly.
	―mark5301, Feb 2016
%
Most peoples last word of the year is 'one'
	―sampo_4, Apr 2016
%
Micheal Phelps isn't a merman, he's just a pirate, here to take everyone's
gold.
	―Carpedevus, Aug 2016
%
What if Earth is the uncontacted Amazonian Tribe of the Galaxy, and aliens
don't want to contact us because they want to preserve our primitive and
unique culture.
	―catchafire678, Jun 2015
%
Talking to people on the internet in the 90s meant I was a loser with no
friends, not talking to people on the internet now means I am a loser with no
friends.
	―quasiology, Feb 2016
%
The good thing about being a Michael Jackson impersonator is that it doesn't
matter if you're black or white
	―roexpat, Aug 2016
%
The easiest way to enrage someone is to tell them to relax.
	―IHaveToRegister, Jul 2015
%
I mock girls for having 100 outfits and "nothing to wear", when I have 100
video games and nothing to play.
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
I wish we had the ability to dream together with other people. Like
multi-player dreaming.
	―anal_tongue_puncher, Jan 2015
%
If I started a religion, my God would have created everything in two days and
then relaxed for five.
	―Nonsuch33, Jan 2016
%
If someone knocks on my door to talk religion, I shoo them away. If someone
wanted to talk about hypothetical space worlds, I'd probably invite them in.
	―badrowbot, Jun 2016
%
Nature valley granola bars are probably branded as "outdoorsy" because that's
the only place you can eat them without getting CRUMBS ALL OVER THE F***IN
CARPET.
	―9c9bs, Sep 2015
%
Sex is the only activity where hiring a professional is considered wrong and
is often illegal
	―DivinePrinterGod, Dec 2015
%
If 50cent kept up with inflation, he'd be 73cent
	―OmniaMors, Jul 2015
%
Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions.
	―rrtaylor, May 2014
%
To me, everyone on Reddit has the same sounding voice.
	―tyson1988, May 2015
%
there should be a show called 'The King of Bel-Air' where Will Smith plays a
similar role Uncle Phil was playing in the fresh prince.
	―Hons19Hons, Dec 2015
%
It's good that Reddit's layout is a bit archaic because that's the only thing
keeping out the Facebook types who find it "too confusing".
	―ggez247, Aug 2016
%
What if the Egyptians didn't actually revere cats, but only jokingly did like
we do on the internet?
	―komali_2, Apr 2014
%
Imagine how terrifying horses would be if they were carnivorous.
	―vinnienine, Sep 2014
%
If you break the laws of man, you go to jail. If you break the laws of god,
you go to hell. If you break the laws of physics, you go to Sweden and get a
nobel prize.
	―mad2crazy, Feb 2015
%
I know more people whose lives were ruined as a result of World of Warcraft
than as a result of smoking pot
	―Fuquawi, Jul 2015
%
5% of the toilet paper I use is for wiping my ass, 95% percent of it is to
keep my fingers from touching shitty toilet paper.
	―LikeAChikaCherryCola, Nov 2014
%
What if Harry was just in a coma for 7 years because he actually just ran head
first into a wall at a train station
	―DoctorAlgernopK, Oct 2015
%
I rarely need to comment on reddit because the hive mind usually expresses my
thoughts for me
	―cokeflu, Sep 2015
%
If Sheldon from Big Bang Theory was a real person, there would likely be few
things on earth he would hate more than the show itself
	―BrawndoTTM, Nov 2015
%
If batman's parents were still alive he would probably still be raised by
Alfred.
	―fruitchicken, Dec 2015
%
If I had jerked off just one more time, my kids would be different people.
	―midniyt, May 2015
%
Little Caesars should use "Eat two, Brute" as a slogan.
	―Dogbirddog, Dec 2014
%
What if Stephen Hawking's voice box is actually the first A.I., using its
robot brain to theorize on the universe and he's just riding along, as tripped
out as the rest of us but unable to show it?
	―CarnegieFellon, Aug 2015
%
Ryan Reynolds just got a free pass to be the biggest troll on the planet. He
could do almost anything now and claim its Deadpool marketing
	―Birdsongman, Feb 2016
%
Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor's appointment
	―Sland, Oct 2013
%
It is literally impossible to forget something on purpose, yet we get angry
with people if they forget things.
	―pey17, Oct 2015
%
The phrase "I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me" is actually
a depressing statement about how people are born into gang culture and the
cycle of poverty.
	―OhMaaGodAmSoFatttttt, Mar 2016
%
If job ads say "must be fluent in Mandarin" why don't they post the entire ad
in Mandarin, that way only genuinely fluent people could apply?
	―Scamwau, Feb 2014
%
The longest most of us will ever go without masturbating is roughly 12
years. That's from birth to 12 years old.
	―redroverdover, Jun 2015
%
It was pretty cool that all the Jewish kids didn't ruin Santa for us when we
were younger.
	―Something_Political, Aug 2015
%
With the way that 2016 has been going so far, the next season of South Park
should be amazing.
	―mayttr, Jul 2016
%
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder.
	―BigDaddyOstrich, Feb 2015
%
Finding the real "Download" button is like Indiana Jones picking the real Holy
Grail. Just have to look for the least conspicuous one.
	―scribbles33, Sep 2015
%
[1 in 4 car accidents are caused by texting and driving] People: "Won't be
me." [1 in 292 million chance of winning the Powerball] People: "You never
know."
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
If you keep asking "why" about something, you'll eventually arrive at quantum
mechanics
	―MisteryMeet, May 2015
%
I hate every shampoo company that shapes their bottles in a way that makes it
impossible to put them down upside down.
	―hjqusai, Jul 2016
%
All marijuana is considered medical marijuana if you believe laughter is the
best medicine.
	―ThatLonelyAstronaut, Aug 2016
%
If Jesus came to earth now, non-Christians would think he was mental and
actual Christians would be offended that someone was claiming to be Jesus
	―abueloshika, Nov 2015
%
What if I'm mentally challenged and everyone around me is just being really
cool about it?
	―Well__Good, Sep 2016
%
Google should start an online dating service because at this point they know
more about everyone than any other service. They could use all that data to
make better matches than any other dating service in history and you wouldn't
have to bother entering it all in.
	―Joshtopher_Biggins, Mar 2015
%
There's a moment in every Redditors day where they finally click that boring
looking link they've ignored this morning because everything else is already
purple.
	―bertonomus, Feb 2016
%
Of all the religious fanatics out there, Satanists probably scare me the
least.
	―slymrspy, Jul 2016
%
On Earth, curiosity drives scientists. On Mars, scientists drive Curiosity.
	―MightyThoreau, Jan 2015
%
Someone is going to say “I have to go to the moon” in a bored, defeated tone
one day
	―margarita-pizza, Apr 2015
%
I haven't misspelled bananas in 10 years thanks to Gwen Stefani.
	―marmot1101, Aug 2015
%
I'm 22 and I'm just realizing why some watermelon flavored lollipops have
green wrappers but are actually red...
	―BuzzLightBeard12, Sep 2016
%
If you lie on the ground on your back, it's like the world is your backpack
and you're carrying it through space.
	―lookitsluke, Apr 2015
%
Holding my finger on the power button to shut my computer down feels like
suffocating someone with a pillow
	―LatvianGiant, Oct 2016
%
I'm convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer... It comes
back as an extra Tupperware lid.
	―ruseereous, Nov 2015
%
Marvel movies make me care about characters I never cared about, DC movies
make me not care about characters I used to care about
	―dario0807, Aug 2016
%
It's 2016. Don't you think it's about time shower heads came with a built in
thermometer so you don't have to make random adjustments for 20 minutes before
your shower is comfortable?
	―thegreatanihilator, Jan 2016
%
If Harry Potter was real, people on Tumblr would probably be constantly
complaining about the use of the word "muggle"
	―ScroogeMcJones, Mar 2016
%
The problem is not people being uneducated; The problem is that they are
educated just enough to believe what they've been taught. And not educated
enough to question what they've been taught
	―kelvinharis, Sep 2016
%
People born on 07/07/07 turned 7 today!
	―Cadenze, Jul 2014
%
Airbubbles in water are the opposite of rain.
	―HughMility, Mar 2015
%
Working from home is a very, very bad thing if you happen to be a firefighter.
	―colemagoo, May 2016
%
One of the lesser known advantages of owning a cat is that they will alert you
if a red dot from a sniper rifle appears on your body by frantically jumping
on you.
	―First_Redditor_Ever, Oct 2015
%
What if Deadpool is actually a romantic comedy and the film's marketing team
has tricked men into thinking it was an action-comedy.
	―Robeliciousness, Jan 2016
%
It would be infinitely cooler if the people in your dream had the same dream
and you could talk about it.
	―Droolings, Nov 2015
%
Telling my parents I'm moving to Colorado for the skiing is like telling my
girlfriend I'm going to Hooters for the wings
	―fatjesus007, Dec 2015
%
500 years ago indigenous peoples must have wondered "are we alone on this
planet" the way we wonder if we are alone in the universe. Then they actually
had to endure attacks from aliens with superior technology like we're afraid
of.
	―furrrsurre, Aug 2016
%
Some rappers basically have us pay them to tell us what extravagant/lavish
things they then do with our money
	―dafunkmasta, Jun 2014
%
Life on Earth is the cosmic equivalent of what happens when you don't store
things in a cool dry place.
	―ProKrastiTRON, Oct 2014
%
Society has become so civilized that we have to simulate manual labor at the
gym in order to reap the health benefits that civilizations of past centuries
had to do naturally for a living.
	―planetsalic, Apr 2015
%
Being high in front of your parents, is like doing the best impression of
yourself.
	―Chinhoyi, Mar 2016
%
Reddit comments seem smart and intelligent, until it is a subject I'm
knowledgeable in.
	―notsteveo, Apr 2016
%
You've never met the loneliest person.
	―DatOneAsain, Oct 2015
%
I've gotten out of bed every day for 18 years. That's 6,570 sit-ups and I
don't have one ab to show for it.
	―AtomicEmerson, Jan 2016
%
At debates they should just mute the mic of the candidate who's not supposed
to be speaking
	―Ink4FountainPens, Sep 2016
%
Everyone at the Grammys looks like the people from district one in the hunger
games.
	―itoodrinkzeecognac, Feb 2016
%
Poverty is like a migraine. People assume it's like any other headache, so
they tell you to just "power through it" but don't realize how debilitating it
is.
	―Fungus_Schmungus, Aug 2016
%
People don't realize through their day how much implicit trust they have for
welders.
	―FUCKING_HATE_REDDIT, Jun 2016
%
maybe aliens don’t talk to us because we’re creepy. i mean we send them weird
mix tapes and we keep trying to find out where they live
	―nest-ce-pas, Apr 2015
%
As I lay in this bathtub, eating an upsetting amount of buffalo wings and
watching Netflix on my laptop, I'm experiencing luxury greater than many kings
of history have known. And yet, I still feel a little bit trashy.
	―poopedinthechili, Apr 2016
%
If "getting to first base" and "hitting a home run" are sex euphemisms, then
"pitching a perfect game" is keeping everyone at a party from f*&%ing.
	―Gish1111, Jun 2015
%
No-one has seen me wipe my butt in close to 30 years. What if I'm doing it
wrong?
	―fartjockey, Apr 2015
%
Masturbating to pictures in the Harry Potter universe would be extremly
uncomfortable for the people in the pictures
	―tyden_, Oct 2015
%
Dogs are great because they could rip you apart and eat you but they don't,
because they want belly rubs instead.
	―waflhat, Feb 2016
%
We're not nearly as appreciative of how many years we've gone without Jersey
Shore as we should be.
	―ZeGermanDoctor, Dec 2015
%
There is a whole generation who will hear Bloodhound Gang's "The Bad Touch"
and not understand what "do it like they do on the Discovery Channel" means.
	―tortfeasor123, Mar 2016
%
Jesus' first miracle was bringing alcohol to a party.
	―thebananahotdog, Feb 2015
%
Right now, there are millions of formally dressed skeletons in our ground.
	―icandodge, Jan 2015
%
Humans are inherently lonely cause no one can "hear" your thoughts except
you. Even when you express some through words, you cannot describe the full
gamut of your mind.
	―yeezred, Dec 2015
%
I wonder if Apple called their new watch the Apple Watch because iWatch would
just be creepy.
	―thetalogic, Apr 2015
%
Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option.
	―swim1929, Jun 2015
%
If gym equipment was invisible, gyms would look like silent raves.
	―iwinalot7, Dec 2015
%
If censorship was truly effective, then we'd have no idea it was even
happening
	―JayBeeBop, Jul 2016
%
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all
groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place
	―thewitbandit, Apr 2015
%
Since a large part of dust is made of dead skin cells, and because I
frequently apply friction to my penis, I wonder how much dick dust is in my
room right now
	―jdscarface, May 2015
%
I saved the most on Black Friday, by not buying a single thing.
	―Ohh_Babbayyy65, Nov 2015
%
I will one day flip through my kid's school history book and find it strange
to have been alive during some of its chapters
	―QrtJester, Mar 2016
%
A "lethal dose" is also a "lifetime supply".
	―Imnimo, Aug 2015
%
The person who invented the shower had shower thoughts before the shower even
existed.
	―pngpng32, Sep 2015
%
The President of the United States technically works from home.
	―planetsalic, Sep 2015
%
If you cant find an American flag to face during the anthem, you could just
face the Moon.
	―Jtaltstatt, Jul 2015
%
Drinking alcohol makes you think you're much more interesting than you
are. Smoking marijuana makes you think everything else is much more
interesting than it is.
	―donwgately, Sep 2015
%
When I see 'wtf' written I immediately think 'what the fuck' but when I see
'lol' I think it as 'lol'
	―r_il, Oct 2016
%
I am just a penis. The rest of me is just there to make sure my penis survives
long enough to make more penises.
	―this_wont_kill_me, Jun 2013
%
During December Reddit should be able to purchase coal instead of gold for
comments they truly hate.
	―RumHam88, Nov 2014
%
One of the most evironmentally friendly things I can do for the planet is not
have children.
	―Hungry-Panda-Bear, Sep 2016
%
Now that Colorado is spending Marijuana money on bully prevention, drugs have
done more for the kids than the war on drugs ever did.
	―[deleted], Sep 2016
%
Whoever named the sweater was wearing that shit in the summer like an idiot.
	―oface5446, Dec 2014
%
When you eat ribs you're eating a part of the animal that evolved specifically
to protect the animal but is now one of the reasons the animal was killed.
	―5years8months3days, Jul 2015
%
There are literally people on NSFW sub reddits that suck dick for karma.
	―WadeWilsonforPope, Sep 2015
%
If pigs could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
Design companies should hire a few 14 year olds to point out any accidental
penises in their designs.
	―psychopathic_rhino, Jan 2015
%
If Leo was black, there would be millions of people who thought his race is
why he hasn't won an Oscar.
	―BrickityBrick, Jan 2016
%
I wonder how many animals we had to jump on the backs of before we noticed
horses were cool with it.
	―pandapowwow, Jul 2016
%
They should make a Shazam for bird calls where it identifies the kind of bird
making the call.
	―khklann, Jul 2014
%
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and
whisper "You did this."
	―Suqleg, Sep 2015
%
The most illegal thing I've done on drugs is just the drugs themselves.
	―Goonoid, Jan 2016
%
If Drake and Taylor Swift went out, we'd hear both sides of the break up.
	―aa2114, Apr 2015
%
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs, yet everyone loves Captain
America.
	―ChiSoxSider, Apr 2015
%
Now that I'm out of highschool, I realized that I only talked to people just
because I saw them everyday.
	―Lord_Putin_, Jun 2016
%
16 year olds are competing in the Olympics and I still look at my Mum when the
Doctor asks what's wrong
	―Mazhar-Fakhar_, Aug 2016
%
In the Harry Potter universe, you could probably get a .gif tattooed on you.
	―resonatingfury, Oct 2014
%
My dog must think the lawnmower is a big loud monstrosity of a beast that I
sometimes take for slow boring walks.
	―190F1B44, May 2016
%
The guy who said “Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird!” in the Superman intro was
strangely excited to see a bird...
	―danglyfigger, May 2016
%
I'm only funny to my girlfriend because she doesn't use Reddit.
	―HairlessSasquatch, Oct 2016
%
There are two kinds of jobs. Jobs where you shower before and jobs where you
shower after.
	―gamermattc89, Oct 2015
%
Netflix should allow you to queue episodes from different tv shows, then play
them in that order, like a "Thursday Night Lineup" option.
	―Spekter5150, Nov 2014
%
As a child I spent 25 cents for about four minutes of an arcade game, but as
an adult I won't pay $1 for a Mobile game I play for hours.
	―boldfacelies, Nov 2015
%
The operation to undo a zombie apocalypse should be codenamed CTRL+Z
	―nikatosa, May 2015
%
A GPS using only "warm" and "cold" for directions could be exciting or
terrible.
	―mistafrieds, Sep 2015
%
Wolverine should be donating his organs over and over again every single day.
	―duckyducksworth, Jan 2016
%
I’m sure my phone vibrates every now and then with no notification just to
make me think I’m going crazy.
	―2toneSound, Jan 2016
%
There should be a show like chopped, but for tinkerers/engineers. Instead of
food you get scrap and have to make an interesting concept.
	―MrLemmings, Mar 2015
%
When someone calls you a pussy ass bitch they are calling you three different
animals
	―Spanky_McFart, May 2016
%
Few things are as comforting as seeing your exact issue pop up in Google
autocomplete
	―Filly14, Jul 2016
%
Field goal kickers are like the IT guys of the NFL. When they do their job
correctly no one really noticed. But the entire world gives them shit when
something bad happens.
	―ID10TU53R, Jan 2016
%
They should put password requirements next to the login so I can remember
which variation of my password I used.
	―TomtheZhang, Sep 2016
%
Gonorrhoea sounds like a medicine to treat Diarrhoea
	―anthonyyladd, Feb 2015
%
If I had a time machine, I'd go to a thrift store in 2056 and buy some
reasonably priced clothes from my own generation.
	―didgeboy287, Jun 2016
%
I get oddly excited when my pee is clear and think "oh yea I'm so hydrated"
	―handygoat, Sep 2015
%
They should show regular people attempting olympic events before the athletes
to remind everyone of how incredible the athletes are
	―no_YOURE_sexy, Jan 2016
%
My dick and stomach are like my two business partners whose sole purpose is to
run the business into the ground.
	―genecalmer, Jul 2016
%
Dubai is just a rich mans game of Minecraft.
	―Liars_Club_Founder, Apr 2015
%
Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT
workers
	―Rot-Orkan, Jul 2014
%
Back to the future should be remade every 30 years, with the exact same plot
except all the cultural references updated. That way every generating can
reflect on what is was like and how we thought the future would be.
	―johnnywings, Oct 2015
%
If they don't name that ship Boaty Mcboatface I will not believe in democracy
	―Removerofkebab, Apr 2016
%
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do so quietly.
	―steak_n_bacon, Feb 2015
%
Being born is the first time I did something for the last time and dying will
be the last time I do something for the first time
	―Airborneiron, Jun 2016
%
Orlando Bloom sounds like a WNBA team.
	―zippywalnut, Aug 2014
%
The funniest guy in the room is usually smart, but the smartest guy in the
room usually isn't very funny.
	―CrispyChickenSkin, Aug 2016
%
If I had a dollar for every time someone misused "literally" I would
figuratively have a million dollars.
	―tMoneyMoney, Oct 2016
%
Why the fuck do birds run across the street? You have fucking wings you little
shit, don't make me run your bird ass over.
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
Whenever I encounter a 30 second video ad, I silently think "This is a big
waste of my time", before spending 2 more hours watching meme compliations for
the rest of the night
	―PM_ME_UR_A_CUP, Oct 2016
%
I'd actually be much more hesitant to ask my dad for $20 if he was made of
money.
	―vyrnhorn, Aug 2014
%
I wouldn't be surprised if a copy of Deadpool (The movie) shows up on the
Pirate Bay, only for it to turn out to be an official video of Deadpool
talking to you about piracy and stuff.
	―off-and-on, May 2016
%
If Wayne and Garth were YouTubers they would've been massively successful.
	―SaltySteveD87, Jun 2015
%
To save the Panda from extinction, we need to start eating them. If there was
a market for panda, someone somewhere would get them to breed, no question.
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
I just realized that being the dungeon master for your group of friends sounds
very different to someone who has never heard of D&D before
	―johnymyth123, Jun 2016
%
Pimp my Ride should do a "where are they now" episode
	―wallydee, Aug 2014
%
A "buttload" of underwear would be exactly one pair.
	―Nucalibre, Mar 2015
%
America is not a "melting pot", it's a house salad, and people are constantly
trying to pick out the parts they don't like.
	―omgsus, Aug 2016
%
Reddit has made my attention span so short I rarely read articles, I just
check the comments to see if the titles are true, false, or misleading.
	―PMacLCA, Mar 2016
%
If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, some of the zombies would be wearing
Walking Dead t-shirts.
	―SuperPoop, Jun 2016
%
Why the fuck is it even possible to raise only one side of the Venetian
blinds? Has anyone in the history of humankind EVER wanted to raise only one
side of their blinds?
	―Has_No_Gimmick, Nov 2014
%
Because I only take my dog to awesome places like the beach and the dog park,
he must think that, every time I leave the house alone, I play by myself at
the beach and the dog park.
	―sciencehatesyou, Apr 2015
%
Kids in the future will think the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center
spawned the idea/creation of "dial 911 for emergency".
	―pm_your_garage_gym, Sep 2015
%
"Lefty loosey, Righty tightly" is probably the most useful thing anyone's ever
said to me
	―balls-rodrigo1, Mar 2015
%
The deadliest character in video game history is probably the first goomba in
the original Super Mario Brothers. Between people not knowing how to play, not
paying attention, and little kids playing that level that guy has probably
killed Mario more times than all other bad guy characters combined.
	―furrrsurre, Apr 2015
%
A bullet may have someone's name on it, but ten pounds of C4 is more 'to whom
it may concern'
	―dsobz, Oct 2015
%
Hippo is faster then human both on land and in water, so bicycle is your only
chance to beat it in triathlon
	―jursla, Jun 2016
%
Martin Luther King, Jr., gave his most famous speech so that people of all
races could go to school together. To celebrate his life, nobody goes to
school at all.
	―RobbNotRob, Jan 2015
%
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I
have to be careful not to curse around kids.
	―Loudsilences, Nov 2015
%
Some ATM machines charge you £1.85 for cash withdrawals then have the audacity
to tell you to cover your pin to prevent getting robbed.
	―whytea_, May 2016
%
Soon, when teens get caught smoking, they'll tell their parents it was just
pot, not cigarettes
	―LivinGhosT, Dec 2015
%
People from the North probably walk faster because they want to get out of the
cold. People in the South probably walk slower because they don't want to work
up a sweat.
	―_Z9_, Jan 2016
%
There should be an apologetic car horn so when you fuck up in traffic you can
say sorry without upsetting the other driver even more.
	―JMB-X, Mar 2016
%
As a kid I used to think of "kicked the bucket" as a tame way to state
somebody died. I just realized as an adult it signifies kicking the bucket
from underneath your feet that is keeping you alive before you hang yourself.
	―TheDukeOfEllington, Sep 2016
%
We shouldn't be able to unsubscribe from /Tattoos
	―Baardaad, Mar 2015
%
If you were to continuously put tooth picks into a car, there would be a
maximum number of toothpicks that could fit. But it's hard to imagine a car
full of toothpicks where you couldn't easily put another one in.
	―smileedude, Jul 2015
%
We have approximately 780000km of nerves in our bodies, yet a single one in my
tooth is enough to fuck up my whole week.
	―NOV3LIST, May 2016
%
The Empire has built 3 deaths stars, each to be the most powerful weapon in
the galaxy. They have all been destroyed by x-wings. The Empire needs to
invest in x-wings
	―sentry0, Oct 2016
%
Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.
	―JoePro1223, Apr 2016
%
What really blows my mind is that NASA is able to receive data from a 4.67
billion miles far away spacecraft, while i lose wifi signal once i move to the
kitchen
	―Medmehrez, Jul 2015
%
One day robots are going to be sentient beings going through a fight for equal
rights, and we'll be the old generation saying "I'm not giving voting rights
to a damn machine", while our grandkids talk about how backward we all are
	―assumes, Dec 2015
%
The worst part of Tinder is that it only helps you meet other people who are
at a place in their lives where using Tinder seems like a good idea.
	―Vrot-Sauce, Jan 2015
%
"Lisp", "Stutter", and "Dyslexic" are all words that people with those
impediments would struggle with
	―piftsy, Mar 2015
%
Every time I have to chase a ping-pong ball, I feel like a 3 year-old. I'm
convinced there is no cool way to chase a ping-pong ball.
	―Good4Josh2, Feb 2016
%
To most of the girls of /r/gonewild their face is their most private part.
	―Engineered_Strong, Jun 2014
%
In the first Harry Potter, Ron's attempt to change Scabber's colour didn't
work because he's not a real rat
	―TheCaptainCog, Oct 2015
%
Snipers and surgeons need steady hands for the exact opposite reasons
	―Sindrin, Jun 2016
%
After I poo, I do up my belt before I wash my hands. I have never washed my
belt.
	―inserthumourousname, Jan 2016
%
As someone who is not religious, I say the words "Jesus Christ" more than
someone who is
	―fyfewoi, May 2016
%
Mexicans are stereotyped as both taking all the jobs and doing no work at all.
	―BooglesDoogles, Aug 2016
%
I can send someone a poop emoji, but I can't type a text with italics.
	―PacifistToYourFace, Oct 2014
%
Can we all just take a moment to appreciate that Google is free
	―doubleaxel1951, Aug 2016
%
There are more women named Ashley Madison than were women ON Ashley Madison
	―thx1139, Aug 2015
%
Whoever designed the headphone jack really knocked it out of the
park. Universal compatibility for several decades now.
	―FricasseeingRabbit, Jan 2016
%
For how culturally and ethnically diverse Reddit probably is, I basically see
you all as the same type of person
	―gr1ff_r1ff, Jun 2016
%
As a girl, I have taken for granted my whole life that we can't get awkward
boners
	―CourageKitten, Mar 2016
%
Saying "drugs and alcohol" is like saying "fruits and bananas"
	―Quasargyle, Jan 2016
%
You never appreciate breathing through your nose, until you have a cold
	―Voidshrine, Apr 2016
%
Kari, Tori, and Grant should create a YouTube channel where they continue to
bust myths. They would gain millions of Subscribers really quickly.
	―CamelPriest, Jul 2016
%
I should find the one joke that makes an Alzheimer's patient laugh the hardest
and then repeat it to him every single day.
	―duneboggler, Feb 2015
%
There's probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who's had it
with people's jokes.
	―Neuronzap, Apr 2015
%
PornHub should have an educational category that shows you how to have safe
sex, open and put on a condom, etc..
	―imb4u, Feb 2016
%
Humans have a fear of aliens coming to Earth with superior technology and
killing everyone but that's exactly what happened to the Native Americans.
	―person_random, Apr 2016
%
This is the first time I have made it through the month of October without
hearing "Monster Mash" once.
	―Skullkid9, Nov 2014
%
Facebook should add a feature called "breakup" so it can immediately remove
all traces or even slight connections to your ex.
	―dodeleek88, Jan 2015
%
Every morning I wake up and catch my brain closing some really weird open
tabs. But when I check the history, my brain's been on incognito mode all
night.
	―smileedude, Oct 2015
%
It's really redundant when a news website has a "Read More" button cutting off
the article. I'm obviously on the page to read the article, I didn't open the
page just to look at their fucking mosaic of ads.
	―TitanicMan, Sep 2016
%
I wish The Walking Dead would do another spinoff show that includes a
completely new cast every season (similar to how True Detective works). Every
season would chart the story of a different group of survivors from the
beginning of the outbreak to when they meet their inevitable demise.
	―ericb4prezident, Jul 2015
%
If a male gets breast implants, can his nipples be shown on TV?
	―[deleted], Jun 2015
%
What if a radio station said "Hey Siri, text my mom 'fuck you'.......... Send"
	―theWet_Bandits, Jun 2016
%
I spent my early 20's trying to get new games to play on old computers and I
spent my late 30's trying to get old games to play on new computers
	―CIRCLJERK_REPOST_BOT, Jun 2016
%
They really need a cricket emoji, for when people don't reply to a text.
	―ftrees, Feb 2016
%
Losing your car keys in your house is the adult version of being grounded
until you clean.
	―lockd0wn, Oct 2016
%
"Eh, fuck it" is the grown up version of "Hakuna matata."
	―kehumphr, Oct 2015
%
Whenever I see a typing mistake on the Internet, I check my keyboard to see if
it's a reasonable error or not.
	―MoghyBear, Jun 2016
%
Actors get paid more to pretend to go into space than astronauts get paid to
actually go!
	―Yoguls, Dec 2015
%
There should be a rule that movies can only use footage from the first 20
minutes of the film in the trailer
	―GiveMeBackMySon, Aug 2016
%
When a father calls his daughter a princess, he is subtly calling himself a
king.
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
On a clear day you can see about 4 miles into the horizon, but on a clear
night you can see light years away
	―a_cool_username_, Dec 2015
%
The older I get the more I realize that you're more of a rebel if you don't
smoke weed or drink
	―1194js, May 2016
%
What if our use of emojis gradually becomes so extensive that we actually
circle back to writing in hieroglyphics.
	―luccampbell, Jul 2014
%
Someone thought they were real fuckin' clever sneaking a B into the word
"Subtle"
	―tkalsey, Nov 2015
%
A mullet will make you a redneck and also prevent you from getting one.
	―BakedKartoffel, Jun 2014
%
Anakin Skywalker over the course of 6 movies lost 5 of his 4 limbs in 3 duels.
	―math_is_fake, Jan 2015
%
Some day, "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Dr. Dre will be playing somewhere, and an
elderly couple will turn to each other and say, "They're playing our song."
	―emilhoff, May 2015
%
I like Reddit better than Facebook because at least the idiots on Reddit are
anonymous.
	―ijui, Sep 2015
%
The 'Just Say No' generation is now grown up and pushing to legalize
recreational marijuana.
	―SuperDadMan, Feb 2015
%
Maybe Adele is in the charts so often because middle-aged women don't know how
to torrent
	―MrSark980, Mar 2016
%
As a child I never thought about race, gender, or religion until school and
textbooks mentioned it
	―TheSholvaJaffa, Apr 2016
%
Two people can be born at the exact same time yet have different birthdays
because of time zones.
	―Faphgeng, Dec 2015
%
There's nothing wrong with taking candy from a baby, because babies shouldn't
be eating candy in the first place.
	―dolphin-monkey, Jul 2014
%
You don't actually bite down on anything. You bite up.
	―baloo_the_bear, Aug 2016
%
Books replaced tablets over a thousand years ago.
	―portajohnjackoff, Aug 2014
%
California should be banned from posting to this subreddit until the drought
is over.
	―leonitis, Nov 2015
%
Being a Canadian is confusing at times because you sound like an American,
write like a Brit and throw in just enough French words to freak everyone out.
	―DudeWithAHighKD, Oct 2015
%
There are probably hundreds of great, unique and breakthrough reddit
posts/comments we'll never see because, in the middle of writting, the poster
thought "Fuck it. Why am I even writting that?" and didn't finish his thought.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
They should create a teenage-version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," but
instead of a million dollars, the winner gets a full scholarship to the
university of their choice
	―TheMiddleClass, Sep 2014
%
If joggers did not exist, who would find all the dead bodies??
	―laurellance77, Apr 2015
%
The mullet was probably created to stop red necks.
	―t33po, May 2016
%
If I buy a case of Digorno Pizza from Amazon, is or is it not delivery?
	―Pinstar, Nov 2015
%
Warm beer and cold coffee are the same temperature.
	―CaliberHB, Apr 2015
%
The guy who did the cinematography for the film JFK (1991), has “shot JFK” on
his résumé.
	―realwalkindude, Dec 2015
%
"A mile a minute" sounds way faster than "60 miles an hour"
	―funmenjorities, Jun 2015
%
When dads call their daughters princess, they are subtly calling themselves
king.
	―TheeOrangeCrush, May 2015
%
Canadians are extremely polite because they are trying to make up for Canadian
geese being such dicks
	―Cast1736, Oct 2016
%
I wonder if my cat thinks I just stand on the other side of my apartment's
door for 10 hours a day.
	―Febtober2k, Aug 2014
%
If you didn't know what a chicken was and ordered chicken fingers, you'd think
they are huge.
	―Kireblade, Jun 2014
%
What if your whole life flashing before your eyes right before you die happens
in real time? And what if we're living it right now? And what if we get deja
vu because we have small moments of consciousness where we realize this all
really HAS happened before?
	―happybex, Aug 2014
%
If football had not existed, Messi would be a normal guy. Maybe I'm the best
player of a sport that doesn't exist, and that's why I'm a normal guy.
	―ILikeWoodenTables, Jun 2015
%
The Rocky Mountains is an extremely lazy name for a mountain range.
	―thatkidthatkilledit, Apr 2015
%
If sign spinners unionize and go on strike, it will be the most glorious
picket line ever.
	―mikeymike118, Apr 2016
%
The "M" in "MTV" now stands for "miscellaneous."
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
People who say "I can text and drive just fine" are oblivious to how shitty
they drive because they're texting.
	―Dexter_McThorpan, Aug 2016
%
Finding Bigfoot has been on the air for 5 years. It should be called Not
Finding Bigfoot.
	―nuggsgalore, Jun 2015
%
I am surprised more ELI5 answers arent "because i told you so".
	―Sparchs, Jun 2015
%
I don't pay attention to usernames unless someone says "username checks out."
	―watsonj3981, Mar 2016
%
Minors have less freedom to do legal things, but more freedom to do illegal
things
	―xNPi, Aug 2015
%
Tony Stark is an atheist, yet one of his friends is literally a god.
	―earlofspain, Dec 2015
%
Bruce Banner is the only man who increases the size of his carbon footprint
when he goes green.
	―ColoredMarxers, Jul 2015
%
Deadpool should "leak" the movie but have it like it is being recorded in a
theatre with Deadpool in the middle of the camera watching the movie but
covering the action and saying absurd things making it hard to see or hear the
movie
	―GameManiac180, Jan 2016
%
The more money companies spend for longer, non skip-able YouTube ads, the less
I want to use their product.
	―ReallyAchieve, Sep 2016
%
If I purchase a film legally, I have to sit through minutes of unskippable
piracy warnings and FBI threats. I could avoid this minor punishment and get
straight to the film if I chose to pirate it.
	―Nayrootoe, Oct 2016
%
Willy Wonka got pretty lucky that all the winners spoke English
	―surfkaboom, Nov 2014
%
I don't need to order the Ronda Rousey fight. I'll just watch the gif right
afterwards.
	―C-dubbb, Nov 2015
%
No one has ever been in an empty room.
	―Kden133769, Apr 2016
%
Fifty Shades of Grey would make a great title to a movie about a dog trying to
read a map of the United States
	―thepakman47, Feb 2015
%
If an egg is broken by an outside force, life ends. If an egg is broken by an
inside force, life begins.
	―mungoflago, Aug 2016
%
What if Han has no idea what Chewie is saying and he’s just making up shit to
agree with himself
	―holdpriority, Jan 2016
%
Pulling out an earbud when someone enters the room is the 21st century's
ultimate sign of respect.
	―Prettyprettyyygood, Mar 2016
%
Michael Phelps has more than enough gold coins to buy a star in Mario Party
	―Okay_I_Chuckled, Aug 2016
%
At this point the phrase "beating a dead horse" should be replaced with
"beating a dead gorilla"
	―partint, Sep 2016
%
If you don't reproduce, you are breaking a 4 billion year old family
tradition.
	―cavesickles, Nov 2015
%
When you want to make sure a piece of paper doesn't get folded, you put it in
something called a folder.
	―SixesandNines, Nov 2014
%
What if my brown birthmark is my real skin and I'm actually a black man
covered in a white birthmark
	―KuroMakura, Feb 2016
%
"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for an abortion clinic.
	―CoheedLudes, Sep 2013
%
I'm like the kid in school that's friends with everyone but when told to
partner up isn't anyone's first choice.
	―ShrimGods, Jul 2016
%
When Stan Lee dies, all Marvel actors and actresses should dress up in
character and attend his funeral.
	―orangek1tty, Feb 2016
%
On Christmas, Battlefield 1 should have a truce and turn into a soccer game
for 24 hours.
	―uselessphil, Oct 2016
%
In 80 years or so, the this place will be a hub for the thoughts of the dead.
	―TheDalekCaan, Mar 2015
%
What if Pixar's Cars took place after computers have annihilated the human
race and Google self-driving cars are all that are left.
	―HipNugget, Mar 2015
%
If you really want to know how people think of you, start a game of charades
and enthusiastically point to yourself.
	―redlipstik, Jun 2015
%
Sean Connery should probably never do a City Bank commercial.
	―Neuronzap, Feb 2015
%
Netflix should have an 'On its Way Out' section so you have one last chance to
watch TV shows or movies before they get taken down.
	―rasta_banana, Jan 2015
%
When I was a kid people told me I was too young to have anxeity now that I'm
grown people tell me I need to stop acting like a child and get over anxeity.
	―Branmuffin127, Jun 2016
%
Someone in the United States has no clue that this is his last weekend with
all ten fingers.
	―BrazenBull, Jun 2016
%
The Force Awakens is the first Star Wars movie to ever be the same number as
its episode number.
	―schwano, Dec 2015
%
Twitter makes me like people I've never met. Facebook makes me hate people I
used to like.
	―Magsays, Apr 2016
%
The idea that humans are able to consider another species "over populated" is
kind of arrogant.
	―A_Bridgeburner, Jul 2016
%
Being a sexual partner of mine is a more exclusive club than being President
of the United States.
	―sch6808, Aug 2014
%
As a Colorado native, I've only ever had sex a mile high. What I need to do is
join the Sea Level club.
	―celt1299, Mar 2015
%
I wonder if people commit mass murders because they are products of this
instant gratification age and do not have the patience to be a serial killer.
	―ITakeMyBaconCrispy, Oct 2015
%
If I were a ghost, id haunt people by knocking on their door as soon as they
started masturbating.
	―FHRITP69er, Dec 2015
%
Reddit has become my morning newspaper
	―Krookz_, May 2016
%
A ton of people would only be about 12 or 13 people.
	―zanglb, Jun 2015
%
AirBNB is destroying the Hotel business like Uber is destroying the taxi
business like email destroyed the mail business and grocery stores destroyed
the milk man business. Such is life.
	―brewski4broski, Jul 2015
%
If a Snickers is all it takes to satisfy you, you weren't hungry enough to
justify your bad attitude.
	―c4m31, Oct 2015
%
I play the Sims to escape reality and live impossible fantasies—like having a
house and job.
	―MeganCool, Aug 2016
%
When I was young I used to look away when characters kissed because it was
gross. Now I look away because it reminds me how sad and alone I am...
	―DarthSadness, Apr 2016
%
Think about how dangerous and bizarre Walmart would be if it were as poorly
lit as Hollister.
	―Dreamlite, Sep 2016
%
The Amish are a wonderful example of how you can be a religious fanatic and
not be a menace.
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
No one has ever been in an empty room
	―BobaFettuccine, Mar 2015
%
Kanye West should re-release his entire discography and title it 'Kanye's
Greatest Hits'
	―KungFooNoodle, Feb 2015
%
If you got your tongue stuck in a mouse trap, you'd start pronouncing it mouth
trap, and that is also what it would be, and that is pleasing
	―misterbrill, May 2015
%
When I was young, my dad went with me to the car dealership to make sure I
didn't get ripped off. Now I go with him to the Verizon store to make sure he
isn't getting ripped off.
	―hackerschooldropout, Nov 2015
%
As a woman, when I say "my partner" people assume I mean my business
partner. When my husband says "my partner" people assume he is gay.
	―mokatter, Nov 2015
%
I usually end up ignoring the featured links on Google even if they are
exactly what I'm looking for
	―art_-vandelay, Feb 2016
%
No matter how good I clean my body, I feel filthy until I brush my teeth.
	―schaeffer22, Oct 2016
%
When you get to a certain age you're sneaking a glance at her ring finger, not
her boobs.
	―absrd, Feb 2015
%
All pants and jeans should have pockets lined with microfiber material so your
phone gets cleaned every time you put it in your pocket.
	―argonian_, Oct 2015
%
Not caring about Star Wars right now is kinda like being Jewish during
December.
	―BraveLilToaster42, Dec 2015
%
100 yrs ago we had trouble flying, 50 yrs ago we flew to the moon, yesterday
we flew by pluto.
	―bananapowercat, Jul 2015
%
Given that I visit Reddit far more often than Facebook, it stands to reason
that I prefer perfect strangers over actual friends and family.
	―dep, Oct 2015
%
I wonder if we will get to the point in car safety that a car crash will make
international news like a plane crash does?
	―Danny41294, Jan 2015
%
As a child, falling asleep in the car and being carried to bed was the most
amazing thing in the world. Now, as a father, doing the same for my daughter
is equally as amazing.
	―Hobo_pancakes, Jun 2015
%
Today, as I go off to work, I'm cosplaying a responsible adult who doesn't get
baked as shit every night.
	―asleepatthewhee1, Sep 2015
%
A college diploma is just a receipt
	―Ugadawg101, May 2015
%
I can tie a tie. I can fix my car. Youtube has replaced my father.
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
During leap years we should take the extra day and move it from February 29th
to December 32nd. Then we can make a big holiday out of it and have a combined
Leap Day/New Years extravaganza every 4 years.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
If I die a virgin that means I have a terrorist waiting to have sex with me up
there.
	―Redbullgivesyouherpe, Jul 2015
%
They should release 2 super hero movies at the same time. One from the
protagonist POV and the other from the antagonist POV. Let the audience decide
who is right.
	―iczk, Aug 2016
%
People use brown paper bags to hide the fact that they're drinking alcohol
even tho nobody uses them to drink soft drinks.
	―pipi55, Jun 2016
%
Necrophilia happened often enough fhat they had to invent a word for it
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
No Man's Sky is basically running around planets full of nothing but people's
forgotten Spore creatures.
	―am_snek, Aug 2016
%
Grandpa Joe Laid in bed for 20 years while his daughter and grandson worked
their asses off to support him. As soon as he gets to go to a chocolate
factory, he literally dances out of the door. Grandpa Joe was an asshole.
	―Sam_Vimes81, Nov 2015
%
Amazon Prime Movies should have a category called "Not on Netflix" for people
who have both services.
	―Phister_BeHole, Jan 2015
%
My parents taught me to not talk to strangers online. Now that's pretty much
all I do on this website.
	―I_Am_Not_Blue, Oct 2016
%
If someone shouts "GET DOWN" or "PUT YOUR HANDS UP", you're about to have a
great time, or a really bad one.
	―BryceLawrence, Jul 2015
%
When I want to have a document forever, I scan it into the computer. When my
parents want to have a document forever, they print it out.
	―exzact, Mar 2016
%
Rihanna made more money by saying work in her song than I will ever make in my
life by actually working.
	―clover_408, Jul 2016
%
When the first child is born on Mars, we will have add Planet of Birth to our
passports.
	―Zetsubou_, Dec 2014
%
If a human sperm cell contains 37.5 megabytes of data, and I have 215 million
sperm cells, then I have an 8 petabyte ballsack.
	―mcc5159, Apr 2015
%
It's pretty easy for Simba and Mufasa to be singing the Circle of Life when
they're the ones at the top of the food chain. I bet the zebras hate that
song.
	―StingyMango, Jun 2015
%
Mankind has gone from tablets to scrolls and now we're scrolling on tablets.
	―studmuffin715, Aug 2016
%
Grand Theft Auto is such a common game now that I frequently forget that it's
the name of an actual crime
	―Redditapology, Jun 2016
%
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
	―iKojack, Dec 2014
%
If another country goes to the moon and knocks over the USA flag I would bet
the US is crazy enough to send people back to the moon just to fix it and put
the flag up right again.
	―SuicideSheep_, Sep 2015
%
Somewhere out there is a man who has jacked-off more than anybody else in the
world
	―come-on-now-please, Mar 2015
%
After this week, Back to the Future will take place entirely in the past
	―nazgul_hunter, Oct 2015
%
Auctioneers are proof white people can rap if they try hard enough.
	―sleazedisease, Nov 2015
%
There is a whole generation that doesn't know that Pirates of the Caribbean
was a Disneyland ride decades before it was ever a movie.
	―DoubleOhOne, Sep 2015
%
People who rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation
	―SlooshMcGoosh, Jul 2015
%
Drug-resistant bacteria are like that hero in action movies who witnessed his
entire family get murdered before his eyes and now has grown up, become
extremely deadly, and now want revenge against us.
	―yepyep1yepyep, Apr 2016
%
The swimming pool in the Titanic is still full.
	―Ashe225, May 2015
%
A good way to fix the Youtube comments could be to only allow comments after
you watched at least 50% of the video
	―jaynatale, Jul 2016
%
Tomorrow, /r/TIFU will be flooded with people's pranks gone horribly wrong.
	―_Lazyland_, Mar 2015
%
In eleven days, 2030 will be as far away as 2000
	―jeromecarlos, Dec 2014
%
I keep my condoms in the same nightstand drawer as my gun. I have protection
from every type of human in that drawer, from the unborn to the undead.
	―Meepster23, Nov 2015
%
I wish I was as skinny as the first time I thought I was fat.
	―BananaSunshineTurtle, Mar 2016
%
The name "Cunningham" sounds perfectly normal, yet the name "Cleverpork" would
be totally weird.
	―[deleted], Apr 2014
%
My mom always told me, "Don't talk to strangers online." But that's all I do.
	―jswilly12, Dec 2015
%
Who looked at a bowl of rice and was like " I bet the most efficient way of
eating this is with two sticks"
	―cchen080, Jul 2016
%
As I've got older, cereal has become less of a breakfast and more of a late
night snack
	―YTJay, Oct 2016
%
In a game of tag between a very good sprinter and a very good distance runner,
the chaser will always catch the other one.
	―a_random_reddit, Oct 2015
%
"Pilot" is actually a fitting name for the first episode of LOST
	―skjortekrage, Dec 2015
%
As a teenager the funniest part of reddit is remembering that most of you are
adults.
	―Chadude100, Jul 2016
%
Tom Cruise predominantly plays characters that fight / kill aliens, but is a
member of a religion that worships aliens as deities.
	―imherefornews, Apr 2015
%
Drinking water through a straw is the opposite of snorkeling.
	―DavidMcl, Apr 2015
%
The first Pokemon that was caught was by a guy just beating it up.
	―JGP793, May 2015
%
If we all move to Voat, it should be renamed "Redidit".
	―preditor22000, Jul 2015
%
Wizards smoke out of long pipes so they do not risk setting their beards on
fire.
	―Alistar1996, Sep 2016
%
Instead of remaking good films, we should remake shitty ones that showed
potential.
	―Arthur_Fookin_Dayne, Sep 2016
%
If I knock up my girlfriend tonight, 12 years from now I won't have to shovel
snow.
	―turnpikenorth, Feb 2015
%
Blue + yellow = green. Water + Sun = plants.
	―St0rytime, Dec 2015
%
Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in you'll disappear.
	―[deleted], May 2015
%
Every country has an Independence Day except Britain because they were the
ones everybody was seeking independence from
	―kobyok, Sep 2015
%
If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the
metric system by the next game.
	―imantisocial, Feb 2015
%
If Netflix had a "I don't want to watch this movie. Ever" option, its
recommendations would be much better
	―pratchettjob, Feb 2015
%
The word "Anna" shifted down the alphabet one letter becomes "Boob"
	―s4082211, Apr 2014
%
My mom asked me how to screenshot on her iPhone. I laughed and then remembered
she taught me how to use a spoon and a toilet.
	―OziPerv, Jan 2016
%
We are all dying at an alarmingly fast rate. Eating and drinking just pushes
that impending death back by a few hours
	―xenafrank, Nov 2015
%
Mona Lisa was the first Kardashian, famous for nothing.
	―KomradeTuniska, Sep 2016
%
Childbirth is literally an emergency.
	―PaintedCeiling, Dec 2013
%
A comedy show about hammered people explaining historical events has more to
do with history than most shows on The History Channel.
	―just-casual, Aug 2015
%
Mr. Peanut is an aristocrat who sells dead and dry-roasted members of his own
species.
	―treebeardismyfather, Jun 2015
%
Weird Al's career has outlived the career of most of the musicians he parodied
	―Bpbegha, Nov 2014
%
"Buy the textbook I wrote" is the university lecturer version of "Buy my
mixtape, it's fire"
	―PadfootProngs123, Feb 2016
%
We stick kids in classrooms 7 hours a day, give them another few hours of
homework, actively discourage them from playing outside, and then wonder why
kids today are so out of shape.
	―39336, Jul 2016
%
Anytime I see a dog with 3 legs I feel really bad but then I realize he looks
at me with 2 legs and I probably give him inspiration
	―bean0s0rz, Aug 2016
%
Frozen pizza should be pre-cut in case to bake just a slice
	―woopinarse, May 2015
%
The two main characters of the show "Veggie Tales" are a tomato and a
cucumber. Neither are technically vegetables.
	―KillThePromQueen, Sep 2015
%
I would much rather watch Gandalf vs Dumbledore than Batman vs Superman
	―RagnarLee, Mar 2016
%
Kanye West should buy YouTube ads that play before Taylor Swift's songs.
	―adamchal, Apr 2015
%
A male lunch lady is a lunch lord.
	―brenan6, May 2015
%
Because they're loud and heavily-perfumed, Abercrombie & Fitch stores are
ideal spots for farting.
	―comfortablydrei, Sep 2014
%
We need a new TL;DR. How about TS;DL (Too slow; didn't look) for those times
when the picture or gif takes too damn long to load!
	―NAMKNURD, Jul 2015
%
I want MythBusters to melt steel beams with jet fuel.
	―Alaskanmade, Jul 2015
%
The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's
spelled incorrectly.
	―DeusExNoctis, Jun 2014
%
Cats probably think we are cleaning our ice cream
	―CUnitingTheWorld, Jan 2016
%
I'd watch a reality tv show where 4chan people and tumblr people are stranded
on an island and have to work together to survive.
	―avatarzach, Jan 2016
%
Maybe "Smith" is a common surname because blacksmiths were never forced to
serve in combat roles during war time.
	―Habbeighty-four, Jul 2014
%
If Luke Skywalker ends up being the villain in the new Star Wars trilogy, then
Obi-Wan Kenobi really sucks at training Jedis to be good.
	―atownfasho, Nov 2015
%
If she wasn't famous, Oprah would just be one of those Facebook moms that fall
for fake news stories, clickbait and trolls.
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
Being old means referring to 3AM as "really early" instead of "really late".
	―Peterpasteeater, Mar 2015
%
They should make a special reddit for bedtime, called beddit, that only lets
you look at calm, peaceful happy things, not creepy or sad things.
	―deiam, Jun 2015
%
A relationship is like a DLC for life. It adds a ton of extra content, and a
new storyline, but it usually involves spending a lot of money.
	―typhoon937, Sep 2015
%
If ads had like and dislike buttons, maybe companies would realize how
annoying they were and make better ones.
	―flynnsanity3, Apr 2016
%
Whenever someone uses "my partner" I can't help but think they are gay,
regardless of situation.
	―Bpbegha, Sep 2016
%
It's sad how the death of one earpiece of your headphones leaves the other to
a life of neglect & uselessness for no fault of its own.
	―floydimus, Jan 2015
%
FedEx and UPS drivers are the closest things we have to an actual Santa Claus,
and Amazon is essentially the north pole.
	―chAcebot, Dec 2015
%
South Park Has a Better Grasp of Current Events than the News Does.
	―tenlenny, Sep 2016
%
I can slowly feel myself getting older by how long I have to scroll down to
find my birth year on website age gates.
	―salad_dressing_dude, Oct 2014
%
Everyone is hiding their naked body from us. Our goal is to find someone and
convince them stop.
	―jagstax, Dec 2014
%
My birth control pill pack is like an advent calendar for my period.
	―sv21js, May 2015
%
The Food Network should do a late night show called Drunk Cooking: sauced up
famous chefs cooking their favorite drunk snacks
	―Cacciamani, Dec 2014
%
Most people fantasize about winning the lottery to buy a mansion, fancy cars,
etc. I just want to win so I don't have to get up for work tomorrow.
	―JordanxHouse, Sep 2016
%
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they
included a corkscrew on their army knife.
	―Mukhers, Jan 2014
%
Whenever a human walks through a spider web I bet the spider who built it is
super psyched for a few seconds that he caught something so big
	―Rdubya44, May 2016
%
Facebook should charge users $4.99 to block all the Ice Bucket Challenge post
from your timeline, and donate all that money to ALS research.
	―blizzardwizard88, Aug 2014
%
Caterpillars have mastered beauty sleep
	―[deleted], Sep 2014
%
The people who preach abstinence as the guaranteed way to prevent pregnancy
also believe in the Virgin birth.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
The only reason his name is Aquaman is because it couldn't have been Seaman.
	―PunyMan9, May 2015
%
If your parachute doesn't deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
	―hulagirl4737, Apr 2016
%
"Elevator music" is such a widely recognized and referenced term, but yet
everytime I am on an elevator there is no damn elevator music
	―Noloughlin, Oct 2015
%
Willy Wonka sent out his chocolate bars worldwide, and 5 white kids (4 with
first-world problems) still won.
	―sunbandit, Nov 2015
%
Guys get erections every morning, right? The concept of "morning" varies
depending on where you live, with the "morning line" basically spinning around
the earth infinitely, right? So does that mean that humanity has been doing a
"boner wave" around the earth for hundreds of thousands of years?
	―adejesus123, Jul 2014
%
Butterfinger should host a bowl game, and invite the two teams that had the
most fumbles during the regular season.
	―cptncivil, Sep 2014
%
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson should host a cooking show where contestants have to
guess what he's cooking by smell alone.
	―ULTRA_Lenin, Nov 2014
%
The tallest person on Earth has been the same height as every person on Earth.
	―Cazcheck, Jul 2015
%
We should start referring to 'Age' as 'Levels', so when you're Lvl 80 it
sounds more badass than just being an old person.
	―JediFlipTricks, Oct 2015
%
Bill Gates and I have a combined fortune of around 80 billions of dollars.
	―levraifix, Jun 2015
%
I wish fat was like muscle; if you don't use it, you lose it.
	―budearl, Sep 2016
%
If you re-watch Tom and Jerry as an adult, all you see is a cat trying to live
his life and be good for his human whilst a violent and possibly psychotic
mouse destroys the house, and physically harms Tom on a very regular basis.
	―TheHumpback, Oct 2014
%
Instead of the money spent on mice for marijuana studies, I would happily pay
$10 to get high and run a maze.
	―jBeardly, Aug 2016
%
If Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold ran for president, it would be
Arnold/Schwarzenegger 2020. If they went by their first names, it would be
Tom/Arnold 2020.
	―notseansaccount, Sep 2014
%
As a child, I couldn't believe adults knew so much. As an adult, I can't
believe adults know so little.
	―kidbuddy, Mar 2016
%
My girlfriend and I touch other peoples genitals moreso than we do each
others... I'm an Ob/Gyn and she's a urologist.
	―Hoptoitmofo, May 2016
%
Netfilx should incorporate a downvote button so I don't have to see the same
movies in top picks every time I log in.
	―insomniacritic, May 2015
%
I just realized it's called the Mediterranean sea because it's in the middle
of all that land.
	―Shoelace_Farmer, Dec 2015
%
It's ok if Playboy stops publishing nudes, because everyone I've ever talked
to only gets the magazine for the articles.
	―JJMFB417, Oct 2015
%
Thank God everyone agrees on the color of traffic lights.
	―hotterthanahandjob, Feb 2015
%
The older generations that complain about milenials being lazy and reclusive
were the same generation that took away our fun playgrounds for not being safe
enough.
	―PolitelyHostile, May 2016
%
Girl Scouts are the ONLY door to door salesmen that make me want to say "Where
the hell have you been?!" when they show up
	―BloodyFreeze, Feb 2015
%
In space reverse cowgirl and doggy are the same thing
	―alberpopov, Sep 2016
%
We should take a moment to just appreciate that not only Google search exists
but it is also for free.
	―Katberga, Mar 2016
%
If I put an empty bowl out on Halloween with a sign that says "Take one", I'll
look like a good person and everyone will think someone just took all the
candy
	―TheJigIsUp, Oct 2016
%
My penis grew a beard faster than I did.
	―sonicbash206, May 2015
%
When an actor or actress passes on, services like Netflix and Amazon should
stream their films free to all for a week so we all may remember and enjoy
them one more time. (RIP Gene)
	―cvg_crazy, Aug 2016
%
Its weird how my brain automaticly reads "wtf" as "what the fuck" but still
reads lol as l-o-l
	―BrokenSalsaJar, Feb 2016
%
All of the best skipping rocks are in the middle of the lake.
	―Jra399, May 2016
%
The only major black character in Breaking Bad sells crystal meth and fried
chicken
	―Procrasturbator11235, Oct 2015
%
My six month old daughter has tripled her weight since birth. If this trend
continues, by the time she's 10 she'll weigh over 17 billion pounds
	―Bumbershot, Jan 2015
%
I wish there was an office-acceptable non-smoking reason to intermittently go
outside and do nothing productive for about 10 minutes at a time.
	―RagingMage, Aug 2016
%
Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, thank goodness it's the
yawn.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
My professor's whiteboard eraser has absorbed more information about my field
of study than I have.
	―electric_stew, Oct 2016
%
We're "repeating" the Sixties. Space exploration, Russian conflict, marijuana
legalization, race issues.
	―WaalsVander, Dec 2014
%
I don't understand how, late into the zombie apocalypse when the zombies have
lost a lot of weight, they aren't walking with their pants around their ankles
and tripping all the time.
	―comfortnuggets, Aug 2016
%
In a single lifetime, George Takei has gone from being sent to an internment
camp for being Japanese, to being able to marry his gay lover
	―Mantis_Pantis, Sep 2015
%
A car with 25,000 miles on the odometor is considered low mileage. 25,000
miles is approximately the circumfrence of the earth. A low mileage car has
already 'traveled around the world.'
	―BeerDuh, Jul 2014
%
If Penis Enlargement pills claiming to double your size actually worked, you
could have a penis as long as the galaxy is wide with only 73 pills
	―UrsulaMajor, Jun 2015
%
I bet giraffes don't even know what a fart smells like
	―dontdoutyme, Oct 2015
%
Listening to my grandma gossip about the people she knows feels a lot like
trying to watch Game of Thrones from the 5th season. There's too many people
to keep track of, you can't remember the names or who's related to whom, why
this guy is relevant, what's going on, or who's going to die next
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
Amazon should have an option where you can choose to donate the remaining
amount in order to get to 35$+ total to get free shipping.
	―nickperry11, Mar 2015
%
"To whom it may concern" would be a good way to start an agnostic's prayer.
	―PurelyApplied, Dec 2014
%
We should put a picture of the moon landing on american currency.
	―Squid344, May 2016
%
They should stop naming hurricanes after generic first names, but instead
solicit corporate sponsors who would pay a marketing fee to help offset the
damage costs of the impending storm in exchange for publicity
	―Incubus910, May 2016
%
In about 15 years, karaoke bars will be overrun with groups of drunk girls
singing "Let it Go."
	―man_mayo, Dec 2014
%
More Americans have been dumped by Taylor Swift than have died from Ebola.
	―SergeantR, Oct 2014
%
We should pay students to attend school, take aptitude tests, and receive
bonuses for completing their courses and graduating early; low income families
could earn money just by making sure their kids succeeded.
	―VonnegutIce9, Oct 2016
%
Sometimes, when I get sick, I think back about the times I was healthy and
think about how ungrateful I was to be healthy. This is probably what it feels
like to be old.
	―pianotimes, Apr 2015
%
The Titanic's swimming pool is still functional.
	―ptk77, Apr 2016
%
We are too lazy to go take a shower, but once we do, we don't want to leave
anymore.
	―mygamja, Dec 2015
%
I don't agree with "save the children first" mentality. It takes way less time
to replace a 5 year old kid than it does a 40 year old.
	―CynicismSells, Jul 2016
%
I've insulted my best friends more than I've insulted my worst enemies.
	―romaje, Sep 2015
%
I like how the term "as fuck" is a common unit of measurement.
	―ElemancerZzei, Jun 2015
%
Adults complaining about the younger generation are really just saying their
generation did a shitty job raising their kids.
	―shlogan, Sep 2014
%
The more popular this post becomes, the greater the chance that someone who
has read it will be hit by a bus.
	―Pop_Off_My_Diuuck, Dec 2014
%
As a parent I would be less concerned about what my son downloads from
Internet than what my daughter uploads on it.
	―poushkar, May 2016
%
This Olympics is on track to be the worst Olympics in history and we already
have a Nazi Hosted Olympics in the books.
	―Da_hypnotoad, Jul 2016
%
Windows 10 rebooting without permission is like your mother coming into your
room, closing all the books on your desk, and putting them away while your in
the middle of a massive research project. There seems to be no stopping it.
	―joetheschmo13, Mar 2016
%
Bags of cat food should come with cat toys inside like cereal boxes for
children.
	―Golanthanatos, Feb 2015
%
Sex drive should be a major criteria in matchmaking and dating sites.
	―ninjbyte, Aug 2015
%
The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.
	―HarrySeverusPotter, Aug 2016
%
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at
work?
	―AlbeitEinstein1989, Aug 2016
%
Every person sees the world in a unique way. When someone dies it is, in a
way, the death of an entire world.
	―lateralus141, Oct 2014
%
A person from 150 years ago would be terrified by modern stuff. However, a
duck from 150 years ago would just be all like, still got lakes? yes ? okay
cool
	―ChrismaLA, Apr 2016
%
Saying um is the human equivalent to buffering
	―AnxietyAttack2013, Apr 2014
%
Battlefield 1 should honor the Christmas Truce of World War I by disabling all
weapons on Christmas day.
	―leejoness, Sep 2016
%
I recently came to the startling conclusion I will probably never ride a
giraffe in my lifetime.
	―Serialnarcisist, Aug 2016
%
A zombie outbreak could be prevented if people were buried with their shoe
laces tied together.
	―youngnreckless, May 2015
%
I always felt bad that the rabbit never got any trix and I hated the kids for
it.
	―TeaTimeBeatings, Jan 2016
%
I think that every time a single sock goes missing, it shows up as an extra
Tupperware lid.
	―thekingofmeh, Oct 2016
%
"On your mark, Get set, Go!" Counts down in syllables 3, 2, 1.
	―j3lunt, Sep 2014
%
When I was a kid, Uber meant "the best". Now it means "Taxi".
	―FearOfAllSums, Jun 2016
%
Pornhub should make their app a fake calculator that only opens the real thing
if you type in 80085
	―UBahn1, Apr 2015
%
People who chew with their mouths open have literally no idea that there are
people who daydream about brutally murdering them whenever they eat in public.
	―actually_crazy_irl, Jun 2016
%
Heat, Pressure, and Time. The three things that make a diamond, are also the
three things that make a waffle.
	―IDontCareAboutUpvote, Jul 2016
%
If high school was a movie, high schoolers wouldn't be allowed to watch it.
	―1greekman, Jun 2015
%
I'm not sure who is more happy, Leo for winning his Oscar, or me for not
having to hear about Leo and his lack of Oscar wins any more.
	―QuincyQuickQuestion, Feb 2016
%
Tipping your waiter is like paying shipping and handling for your food.
	―ChickenTitilater, May 2016
%
All the characters from Toy Story are Chinese
	―Lucius_Annaeus_Senec, Apr 2015
%
If I created a pregnancy test app, I wonder how many people I can convince to
pee on their phone?
	―Vindictive-Penguin, Aug 2015
%
WWI and WWII were 21 years apart and in the first we used horses and in the
second we used atomic bombs
	―2manylemons, Aug 2016
%
McAfee Antivirus acts more like a virus than anything else on my computer...
	―munkindonuts, Apr 2015
%
In England you can join the army at 16 but have to be 18 to buy Call Of Duty
	―antiheromcr, Nov 2015
%
Seth Rogan is this generation's Adam Sandler. A Jewish comedian that makes
comedies with the same actors in every movie.
	―samicktorino, Sep 2016
%
They should have a countdown on the screen in movie theaters so you know if
you have time to go to the bathroom before the movie starts
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
Must be hard for pornstar family members to surf porn sites
	―kdlasjfl, Jun 2016
%
We're one bad Hollywood decision away from a Minecraft feature film, and
that's scary
	―dontflyaway, Jun 2016
%
Zombies are perpetual motion machines. they shouldn't be destroyed but used as
an energy source.
	―Seven68, Oct 2016
%
The NFL is basically watching millionaires beat the shit out of each other for
ugly jewelry
	―hankerchief31, Sep 2016
%
"Unbelievable actor" is more of an insult than a compliment
	―TheRealDealDawg, Nov 2015
%
As someone in Scotland, it feels like England is being the friend who got way
too drunk and got us kicked out of the club.
	―katherkelly, Jun 2016
%
When Bill Gates sits down in a café, it's average customer instantly becomes a
billionaire.
	―TheEnemyOfMyAnenome, Sep 2015
%
1000 years ago people worshipped Thor, the god of thunder. In another 1000
years, will Jesus Christ join the Avengers?
	―Mrpockets292, Dec 2015
%
School is meant to bring new humans up to speed on humanity's progress so far.
	―IBetz, Oct 2014
%
In 1916, the average person owned a horse and was considered "rich" if they
owned a car. In 2016, it's the other way around.
	―MeowMixSong, Aug 2016
%
The kids in high school that you thought should never be parents usually have
kids before anyone else.
	―jmeltzy, Aug 2015
%
If you were 6 inches tall, you wouldn't have any financial problems
whatsoever. (hear me out)
	―The_Hippopotamoose, Oct 2014
%
A cop wearing a "Fuck the Police" t-shirt at a party is just making a clever
suggestion.
	―JFKinc, Nov 2014
%
Netflix needs a "I have 30 min before I'll fall asleep and I want to watch
something funny" category.
	―tcd004, Jul 2015
%
Children are dicks by default. That's why they get compliments when they
behave themselves.
	―i_want_my_sister, Sep 2015
%
I had blood drawn this morning. Later in the day I lost my virginity. My
virgin blood still exists somewhere on earth, but it's not in me.
	―Lfcjdp, Dec 2015
%
George R.R. Martin is taking his time writing the final GoT books because he
realized the only way to hurt fans more than killing off all their favorite
characters is to die himself before completing the series.
	―notlogic, Feb 2016
%
What if instead of buying plastic bottles for shampoo, conditioner and body
wash, we had refillable containers and there were dispensers for each brand at
supermarkets/convenient stores.
	―vinnzic, Mar 2016
%
Google Maps should have a "road trip" feature that highlights points of
interest along your planned route.
	―IronHelm, Jul 2016
%
Baby Boomers were the generation of rebellion yet cant handle that their
children dont want to live the way they did.
	―InsaneUpboat, Aug 2016
%
'How It's Made' should do an episode about making an episode of 'How It's
Made'
	―fancy_pance, Oct 2013
%
We are going to feel pretty silly when it turns out North Korea has been
firing missiles at sea monsters this whole time.
	―to_tomorrow, Jul 2016
%
Computer labs should flicker its lights every now and then, to remind students
to save their work.
	―EetzRusheen, Apr 2014
%
Giraffes must take forever to vomit
	―irritatedcitydweller, Dec 2014
%
If marijuana ever becomes fully legal, drug sniffing dogs will have to be
retrained to ignore the smell.
	―the_visalian, Nov 2015
%
According to the general media it seems like absolutely everyone has Twitter,
yet I don't know a single person who uses Twitter.
	―spinuptheFTL, Aug 2016
%
The Truman Show must've been really awkward during his teen years.
	―rendezook99, Nov 2015
%
Googling 'nice truck' will never be the same again.
	―Bill-Murrays-Wiener, Jul 2016
%
Cars should have "sorry" lights you can activate when you do something stupid.
	―dawbles, Aug 2014
%
Someone who watched The Ring probably did die seven days later.
	―Pineapple__Jews, Jul 2014
%
Non-smokers get the time smokers get for cigarette breaks at the end of their
lives
	―kenbez123, Sep 2014
%
Someone should throw a Halloween party where everyone dresses like cops so if
it ever gets busted, there would just be mass confusion.
	―Andy_Carl, Sep 2015
%
There should be a DEFCON system for NSFW posts.
	―BammaLamb, Jan 2015
%
In Space Jam, Marvin the Martian is the referee precisely because he's both a
Looney Tune and a Space Alien.
	―metcalsr, Jan 2016
%
It would suck to be in a car crash outside a Halloween party; You'd show up
bloody with your jaw hanging off and everyone would say "Sick costume, dude!"
	―postmodest, Oct 2016
%
The amount of public bathroom stall graffiti has drastically declined since
the widespread use of smartphones.
	―IamTheFirestarter, Jun 2015
%
If you wear an invisibility cloak inside out, does the universe around you
disappear?
	―lars180, Feb 2015
%
When Chumbawamba got knocked off the charts after their one hit they never got
back up again.
	―methodmouse, Feb 2016
%
If I have 2 choices and 1 of them is taken away, I have 0 choices.
	―Sir_Flashypants, Nov 2015
%
Maybe people should start getting a three, five, or ten years term on their
marriages, with an option to renew/terminate at the end of the term. They get
tax benefits, and if things aren't working out, there's an exact date to look
forward to instead of a messy divorce.
	―hobbesncalvin, Aug 2015
%
Somewhere out there there's a couple who holds the record for the longest time
spent trying to find one another in the grocery store.
	―apricotpajamas, Oct 2015
%
Abstinence-only sex ed is like a defensive driving course that says, "Don't
drive."
	―Cecilyn, Dec 2015
%
I could get 90% off a Bugatti and I still wouldn't be able to afford it.
	―Jarmahent, Nov 2015
%
I wonder if alcohol has been responsible for more deaths or conceptions since
its discovery.
	―Giroflex, Jan 2016
%
Never have I once clicked on a news article and thought, "Man, I really hope a
video starts playing automatically"
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
"Strap-on" spelled backwards is "no parts".
	―Illuminaughty66, Nov 2013
%
Luke Skywalker was an angry young male from the desert, who was indoctrinated
by a religious fringe member, and joined a terror plot to blow up a major
military instillation. Luke is a 9/11 pilot...
	―Claim_to_Lame, Mar 2015
%
I want to throw a party where everyone dresses in coveralls, wears big
headlamps and smears soot on their faces. Then someone will call the cops and
reports a party with "a bunch of miners drinking alcohol."
	―NotThtPatrickStewart, Sep 2015
%
Every single year, someone shows up an hour late for work when we set the
clocks ahead an hour but I have never seen anyone show up an hour early to
work when we move them back in the fall.
	―swiggertime, Mar 2016
%
If the blood of Christ is wine and the average alcohol content of wine is
13.5% then Jesus was 168.75 time over the legal limit to drive. Jesus don't
take the wheel.
	―woah_joe_no, Oct 2016
%
If I were in the mafia, I'd always use a remote starter for my car
	―alehx, Jun 2014
%
If I ever started doing porn, I wouldn't pick a traditional "porn name". I
would name myself after the biggest bitch from my high school class, and set
out to make myself the dirtiest, most disgusting porn star of all time.
	―brandynb, Feb 2015
%
If I start watching Back to the Future II at 4:25:39 PM today, the time
circuits in the movie and the actual time will line up exactly when they first
arrive in 2015.
	―RealHot_RealSteel, Oct 2015
%
Microsoft should make all previous versions of Windows free, upon release of a
new version, to show 100% confidence that the new one is better than any that
came before.
	―TopHatTIMMAY, Sep 2016
%
A lot of people are gilding Victoria's comments after her dismissal,
apparently unaware they are paying money to the company they are trying to
protest.
	―CheeeseHead20, Jul 2015
%
A deck of cards has 52 cards. House of Cards has 13 episodes per season. In
that notion, the series will end in the fourth season with 52 episodes
(cards).
	―Voxu, Feb 2015
%
Every time you drink water, you reset a timer that is counting down the
seconds until you die of dehydration.
	―ShawnX232, Aug 2015
%
As a Brit, I panic every year when I see Happy Mothers Day posts in May
	―666Ven, May 2016
%
ESPN should have a segment sponsored by Digiorno about players that didn't
deliver
	―djwright935, Oct 2014
%
App idea... Hinder...tells you where Tinder matches are happening so you can
show up to cock block.
	―efilnekufesin, May 2015
%
The most environmentally-friendly thing a person can do is not have children
	―SellingSomeShit, Jul 2015
%
Every material is bulletproof if you have enough of it.
	―CatsGoBark, Oct 2016
%
The universe is expanding. So for every minute we delay going to the stars,
our descendants will spend years and years travelling through extra empty
space.
	―jcolosi, Sep 2015
%
The reason people got so angry about Michael Phelps doing weed is that it is
harder to convince your kids that drugs are bad for you when one of the
greatest athletes of all time does them, and continues to dominate.
	―WeFightForever, Aug 2016
%
The old adage "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" is
an ominous truth for art majors.
	―munkindonuts, May 2015
%
When boy bands sing about wanting girls who don't know they're beautiful, it
sounds like they're targeting girls with low self-esteem as easy pickings.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
My dog has never offered to share her food but she still expects me to share
my food every time.
	―MotherUckingShi, Nov 2015
%
When a girl walks in on a guy masturbating, he is the pervert. When a guy
walks in on a woman masturbating, he's still the pervert.
	―cheenus, Jul 2015
%
People who try to stop you on the street to sell stuff are the real world
equivalent of online pop-ups
	―Leroin, Aug 2014
%
There should be a sub called ExplainLikeImAPHD where all the 'explanations'
are in ridiculous amounts of academic jargon
	―pookie_wocket, Mar 2015
%
This year's Penn State graduating class will be PEN15
	―augustella, Aug 2014
%
Staring at your crush's green "Online" indicator on Facebook chat is what
Gatsby felt like
	―L147, Apr 2015
%
In 10 years hipsters will stop vaping and switch back to cigarettes because
it's retro and ironic
	―Your_New_Overlord, Apr 2015
%
I wonder if the average headphone cable is long enough for Yao Ming to put his
iPod in his pocket.
	―HarrySherbert, Nov 2014
%
Reddit is actually controlled by a sub-group of redditors. The ones who
actually peruse 'new' instead of 'hot' everytime. If this post made front
page, I wonder if it would convince enough people to view 'new' more often,
and if it would affect the poststhat make it to the front page?
	―Howdoiaskformoremuny, Aug 2016
%
Around 95% of the toilet paper I use is just a buffer.
	―AndIMustFollowIfICan, May 2016
%
It's a tragedy that Chris Farley died before the Rob Ford scandals.
	―i_am_penis, Jan 2015
%
The worst part of using Uber, is that I will never get to be on Cash Cab
	―trithumbs, Oct 2015
%
Anytime I see a dog with 3 legs I feel really bad but then I realize he looks
at me with 2 legs and I probably give him inspiration
	―bean0s0rz, Mar 2015
%
As a minimum-wage cashier, I've probably physically touched more money than
our country's richest people
	―achappy808, May 2016
%
I wonder how many places I've already visited for the last time.
	―goodonedude, Mar 2014
%
Instead of saying someone "lost" their battle with a disease, we should
acknowledge that upon death they also killed the parasitic disease like some
sort of cool heroic movie sacrifice.
	―serenity78, May 2015
%
If the guy that got beheaded at the start of Skyrim had just let the priest
give him his last rites, there's a really good chance he would have lived.
	―ReedsAndSerpents, Sep 2015
%
If the ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, then the
internet made us the modern Egyptians
	―sammyjamez, May 2016
%
Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon
	―Overclass2, Mar 2015
%
When I wake up at night both extremely thirsty and having to pee, I can't help
but think that my body is allocating its resources poorly.
	―NeverBob, May 2016
%
A group of squid should be called a squad
	―Thediepend, Feb 2014
%
Pornos should have a timer at the bottom that tells how much is left of that
angle.
	―MickPlanning, May 2015
%
Hitler ruined a name, a mustache, a symbol for peace, and literally just
raising your arm in the air.
	―MisterScribbles, Nov 2014
%
I was born breech (legs first) so for a brief moment of my life I wore my mum
as a hat....
	―JR_1988, Apr 2016
%
We grew up being taught not to get in cars with strangers and now we hop into
Ubers like it's nothing.
	―ChinatownKid, Sep 2015
%
When you buy a vinyl record, you get a free digital download of the album. So
if you buy a hardcover book, you should get the e-book version for free.
	―kman48, Nov 2015
%
Everyone in my family has sucked on my mom's breasts
	―mht24, Mar 2015
%
For how popular reddit is, Im suprised none of my friends have ever heard or
used it.
	―boleshine, Oct 2016
%
Cell phones should have an extra 'End Call' button that sounds like a handset
being slammed down into the telephone cradle so the person on the other end of
the line knows it is SO OVER.
	―Mi_Ofelia, Jun 2015
%
I always read the TL;DR, even after I read the whole submission.
	―stripesforlyfe, Sep 2015
%
Saying "I'm a vegetarian, but I eat chicken and fish" is like saying "I'm a
virgin, but I have anal sex."
	―mistertranslator, Jan 2016
%
Instead of .ca Canadian websites should end with .eh
	―HappyTheBunny, Feb 2015
%
I would really enjoy a Star Wars movie that goes back to the actual origins of
the first Jedi Knights learning to harness The Force.
	―Skiingfun, Oct 2016
%
In the UK, a "God hates fags" sign is actually good for your health.
	―Piaga, Apr 2014
%
2020's New Years party glasses will be ironic
	―t3hcoolness, Dec 2014
%
as a non-gamer I feel like there is a good 25% of reddit that I don't
appreciate or understand
	―The_Cantabrigian, Aug 2016
%
Getting birthday money is the real life equivalent of passing 'Go' and
collecting $200.
	―Angry_Spacepimp, Apr 2014
%
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn't named
Marvin.
	―mwhaskin, Mar 2015
%
Instead of looking up into the sky,you're actually gazing down into the
infinite cosmic abyss,with only gravity holding you to the surface of the
Earth.
	―loveuUSA, Jul 2016
%
Every time I think of the black market, I actually imagine a market, with
little stalls selling illegal things like nuclear weapons and organs.
	―nest-ce-pas, Apr 2015
%
Meth cooks need to stop making Meth, and start making that 750$ AIDS pill.
	―rickreflex, Sep 2015
%
It's not premarital sex if you never get married
	―Tbrahn, Jul 2016
%
Gym Machines should have high scores
	―Ericabneri, Sep 2015
%
Browsing reddit is like a TV guide for what's coming up on the next few days
on Facebook
	―irish-sid, May 2015
%
If you're on a really high floor in an office building and you see a spider,
chances are it's hatched from a second or third generation of spiders that has
never been outdoors.
	―tinomin, Jun 2016
%
Anything can be a boomerang if you throw it directly upwards
	―Stryyx, Aug 2016
%
Whenever I kill a bug, I wonder how many zillions of years back we shared a
common ancestor. Aeons ago, a clutch of eggs hatched; some young wriggled this
way, others that way; the lineages diverged...and now these two descendants
have met in this fatal way.
	―TheSanityInspector, May 2015
%
For every "drug deal gone bad" you hear about on the news, thousands and
thousands go swimmingly.
	―bodell, Mar 2015
%
To aliens, earth must look like that desperate loser that keeps sending
messages nobody responds to and cant take a hint.
	―Vilinbynecesity, Aug 2015
%
Copy and Paste is arguably one of the greatest inventions in the history of
the world.
	―-doughboy, Jul 2015
%
I'm 19 and still can't remember the order of letters in the alphabet without
starting from the beginning.
	―seven7evens, May 2016
%
You never notice how many times a day you swallow until you have a sore
throat.
	―ttennkkuu, Jul 2016
%
You could destroy an entire family, simply by sending an anonymous letter
saying "Your suspicions are right. -A friend"
	―MinistryOfGeeks, Nov 2015
%
Instead of looking up into the sky, you're actually gazing down into the
infinite cosmic abyss, with only gravity holding you to the surface of the
Earth.
	―MrFrowny_, Dec 2014
%
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent
films.
	―datums, Dec 2015
%
If vampires get AIDS from one of their victims, is that still considered an
STD or is it food poisoning?
	―FiestaJose, Apr 2015
%
If porn is bad for boys because it does not accurately reflect women, then
romcoms are bad for women because they do not accurately reflect men.
	―jamesosix, Sep 2015
%
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.
	―etohaun, Dec 2014
%
Daredevil's super senses means he's constantly hearing and smelling every
possible fart around him. In a city that densely populated he must live in a
constant cloud of flatulence.
	―AvocadosAtLaw, Apr 2015
%
When Americans talk about the day they declared independence from Great
Britain, the don't say the actual date the American way (July 4th), they say
it the British way (4th of July)
	―ern999, Jun 2015
%
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say "b.r.b" instead
of "r.i.p".
	―Drake_254, Jan 2015
%
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to Apple's terms and conditions
without reading them. Seriously, nobody reads them.
	―Skyfer_the_Youtuber, Sep 2014
%
Reddit needs a "seen it before" button
	―Theexceptionator, Jan 2015
%
If we gave the special forces of each country paintball guns, we would have a
pretty cool Olympic event on our hands.
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
Teenagers aren't in a rebellious stage they just reached an age where they
know that adults don't have a magic stopping power.
	―PointsOfXP, Sep 2016
%
If you went back in time and killed Hitler as a baby you would be known as the
time traveler who went back in time to kill a baby.
	―dantheman757, Sep 2014
%
All fish tanks are basically soups if you apply heat
	―-jako, Oct 2015
%
The creators of Finding Nemo missed the ultimate fish pun by saying 'The End'
rather than 'Fin'
	―Grifter801, May 2015
%
If you live past 112, you get to be a teenager again.
	―cdhofer, Aug 2016
%
High school is like a free trial on education. Once you've graduated, they say
"now if you want to continue, pay $50,000"
	―randercrop, Sep 2014
%
It's somewhat normal to go home with a random one night stand, but it'd be
weird to hold their hand while walking to another bar. Hand holding is now
more intimate than sleeping with someone.
	―ItsaMeMattio, Feb 2016
%
The game "fuck, marry, kill" could also be called "fork, spoon, knife".
	―lard-lad, Jan 2015
%
Scooby Doo is basically a show that teaches kids that the villains in our
lives are usually not strangers, but rather people we know and trust.
	―GhostGlide, Jul 2015
%
Imagine if people put as much emphasis, desirability and effort into mental
health as they did physical health. Gym selfies would look like "just worked
through some baggage with my therapist! #mentalgains #brainspiration"
	―wazzem33, Jul 2015
%
As a Canadian, America feels like an older brother that I continue to care
about but he keeps on making questionable life choices and there's nothing I
can do about it.
	―hyperbolicjosine, Oct 2016
%
Unless you're a celebrity, Twitter is like talking to yourself in a crowded
room.
	―Sir_Vyvin, Feb 2014
%
I wonder if I've ever been bitten by a mosquito that is descended from one
that I failed to kill previously.
	―Wokken, Nov 2014
%
Facebook should have a 'Degrees of Seperation' button on non-friends pages.
	―Bonya, Dec 2014
%
As a teenager, when I said "I don't have the money" it's because I literally
couldn't cover it out of my checking account. As an adult, it means I can't
realistically fathom spending the money that I actually have.
	―FreeNinedy9, Feb 2016
%
Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon as a child.
	―Kden133769, Apr 2016
%
A baby chicken is a chick. An adult chicken is a hen. chick-hen
	―wolfbearwolfbear, Aug 2016
%
The first person who copied someone was in fact very original.
	―melodylucid, Jan 2014
%
"Last man standing" refers to the ultimate winner in most contests but the
runner-up in musical chairs.
	―prodigalme, Aug 2014
%
If the television show "How It's Made" ever ends, the last episode should be
"How 'How It's Made' Is Made."
	―Re_cyclops, Sep 2015
%
Watching Horror movies during Valentines day won't make you feel like you're
alone anymore.
	―pakulu_papito, Feb 2016
%
Waldo has been traveling all over the world for years and never chosen a place
to call home. Maybe the person trying the hardest to find Waldo is himself.
	―WriterDavidChristian, Jun 2016
%
What if traffic is just a buffering system that the matrix uses to load our
surroundings.
	―brodybaba, Sep 2015
%
When I was in elementary school and going through the DARE program, I was
positive a gang of older kids was going to corner me and force me to smoke
pot. Then I became an adult and realized nobody is giving free drugs to
somebody that doesn't want them.
	―halcyonwade, Sep 2016
%
When I was 16, I waited 2 weeks to say I love you and 6 months to have
sex. Now that I'm 31, I wait 2 weeks to have sex and 6 months to say I love
you.
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
If you did something "like a boss," you'd probably just pay someone else to do
it.
	―mcgeeb, Feb 2014
%
Packs of gum should have 1 stick of a different flavor so you can try
different kinds without having to commit to a whole new pack
	―seanthemonster, Jul 2015
%
The United States should get rid of Columbus Day and create a holiday for
Federal Election Day.
	―57thstreetpgh, Oct 2014
%
I wonder how many times in my life I have thought "I'll always remember this,"
that I have now completely forgotten about
	―hstarbird11, May 2015
%
In 5 years, we'll be closer to 2070 than we are to 1970.
	―Goldin, Feb 2016
%
They should make a Canadian GTA so you don't have to pay the hospital every
time you die
	―FostralianManifesto, Dec 2014
%
A group of starfish should be called a galaxy
	―joshburnsy, Dec 2015
%
How is "Selfie Stick" not yet a slang term for a dildo?
	―idontliketocomment, Apr 2015
%
If Budweiser was as good at making beer as they were at making commercials,
they wouldn't need commercials
	―kingkongpizza, Sep 2015
%
Some alien could be looking at earth right now through a telescope from a
planet light years away and is just admiring how great the dinosaurs look.
	―HacksawJimDGN, Aug 2016
%
If London gets an NFL team they should be called The Redcoats and they have to
play The Patriots once a year.
	―filmgasm91, Nov 2014
%
When you blow out your candles on your birthday, wish to die this year. Tell
someone what you wished for. Repeat. Become immortal.
	―jsabot, Feb 2016
%
WWW is a crappy acronym. It takes 3 syllables and makes it 9
	―mampersat, Feb 2015
%
I've stolen pens from the bank. Technically I've robbed a bank.
	―tunelessknight, Mar 2015
%
In a world full of "devices" & heads down, Ferris Bueller's quote "Life
moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you
could miss it" seems more pertinent every day.
	―Rugius, Sep 2016
%
13.7 billion years of evolution through galaxies, stars, solar systems,
planets and life has ultimately resulted in me masturbating in the shower
while thinking about the universe.
	―Theoricus, Aug 2014
%
If Amazon starts delivering our groceries with drones, it will be the grown up
version of our parents making helicopter noises and putting food in our
mouths.
	―Tool_Time_Tim, Apr 2016
%
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
	―GoodRighter, Mar 2015
%
The only reason celebrities always say people should "follow their dreams" is
because they're part of the small percentage who were actually successful.
	―RottenAnemone, Jun 2014
%
If cable companies can say "Up to 20Mb/s" , I should be able to to pay them
"up to $39.99".
	―thewholebenchilada, Apr 2015
%
I wonder if I've bought the clothes I'm going to die in yet
	―mo9184, May 2014
%
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really
is.
	―ElusiveUsama, Oct 2016
%
There should be paparazzi that follow the staff of TMZ around and expose their
lives to the public.
	―lostineurope8, Mar 2015
%
Newly married women who hyphenate their name due to feminist ideals are
ensuring that they are named after two men, their husband and their father.
	―goodmancharliebrown, Jul 2014
%
The people I hear complaining about how Millenials get trophies just for
participating are members of the generation that demanded their kids get
trophies just for participating.
	―blenda220, Jul 2016
%
If you have 1 threesome, your average partner per session will always be more
than 1.
	―PapaFunker, Nov 2014
%
All marijuana is medical marijuana if you believe that laughter is the best
medicine.
	―LizLemon_99, Apr 2015
%
I will be the last person to die in my lifetime
	―myfajahas400children, Jan 2014
%
Not once in my entire life have I seen a handicapped person go in or out of a
handicapped stall in a bathroom.
	―held818, Aug 2015
%
Sometimes I think I mistyped my password but my computer knows who I am and
let's it slide.
	―TheReverendZ, Feb 2016
%
Jim Carrey is the reason I never forget how to spell the word "beautiful"
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
I just realized I’ve survived everything I’ve ever encountered in life. I have
a 100% survival rate over everything ever.
	―zagreus9, Aug 2015
%
The fact that "suck my dick" is considered and used as a profanity when "eat
my pussy" is not goes to show the importance of supply and demand
	―don_Mugurel, Sep 2015
%
Kids who are eight years old, only know of a black president. Soon, for the
first time in their lives, will be alive to witness their first white
president.
	―TyBoogie, Nov 2015
%
There is no bigger failure of purpose than eyelashes falling into your eye.
	―007meow, Aug 2016
%
We should all take a moment and thank god that spiders aren't pack animals
	―piggesnye, Oct 2016
%
Nothing is ever on fire. fire is on things.
	―Suspect603, Mar 2015
%
A lot of gay guys/girls who don't want to marry their current SO just got put
in an awkward position
	―maxwell_stupid, Jun 2015
%
We named the other planets in our solar system after gods but named our own
planet "dirt"
	―nidhidki, Jun 2016
%
Now that Zuckerberg has pledged $45,000,000,000 to charities, our Facebook
'likes' may end up, after all, having actually cured cancer.
	―KirbytheKing, Dec 2015
%
All the popular baby names you hate while pregnant will be the names of your
child's friends and classmates.
	―bearssuck, Jan 2015
%
removing a headphone jack causes more uproar than a phone that literally
explodes
	―trumpscombov3r, Sep 2016
%
My balls must think I have a bunch of kids by now.
	―jdmousley, Jun 2015
%
Most men learn to masturbate before they have sex, so most men learn how to
pleasure a man before they pleasure a woman.
	―LLment, Aug 2015
%
There should be an organization that helps hoarders get rid of their things
and donate it all to developing countries, called Hoarders Without Boarders
	―TyreeTheGreat, Jan 2016
%
We are now so desensitized to terrorism that the Brussels attack is off the
front page in less than 10 hours.
	―Gerrigen, Mar 2016
%
I wonder how many times I've seen the same bird without realizing it.
	―Muazrozlan, Oct 2016
%
The last day of the Olympics should be all the gold medalists playing
dodgeball until we have an ultimate champion.
	―fingercup, Apr 2016
%
Nothing is worse than the people who say, "I wish they taught us meaningful
things in high school like taxes or saving for retirement" Really? You think
you were going to pay attention in tax class?
	―catapolana, Apr 2016
%
Will Smith's son, Jaden Smith, should star in a REVERSE fresh prince of
bel-air, where he moves from a rich California neighborhood to an impoverished
city one.
	―PEALYO, May 2015
%
One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years
later and tell you you're the mom.
	―Cobra-penis, Mar 2016
%
In the past, with cameras, we could believe anything we saw in a picture. In
the present, with photo editing software, we can only believe what we see with
our own two eyes. In the future, with realistic holograms or the like, we
won't be able to believe anything.
	―dhbroad, May 2016
%
Every time you agree to date someone, statistically they then become the
person most likely to kill you.
	―parislovestory, Feb 2015
%
The names "Chad" and "Molly" are super white, but the countries Chad and Mali
are super black.
	―Currently_Stoned, Feb 2015
%
In the LEGO Universe, all doctors are plastic surgeons.
	―luckyhack, Apr 2015
%
Hyperlinks go from Blue to Purple when you click them because then you've
"Red" them.
	―Puswah_Fizart, Sep 2016
%
When a toilet seat is cold it's horrible but when it's warm it's worse
	―howtokitten101, Aug 2015
%
I have successively pooped, going 500 mphs, in a chair, in the sky.
	―TimboBiotchie, Apr 2016
%
There are 30,000 traffic fatalities every year in the United States and few
people think twice about driving, but when just one happens in an automated
car it's a major setback
	―DICKNIPPLESALAD, Jul 2016
%
If a french person says the word "happiness", it sounds like they're saying "a
penis". But the french word for "happiness" is "bonheur" so if an english
person tries to pronounce that, it sounds like "boner"
	―dudecof, Nov 2014
%
A good way to know if someone is attracted to you is to realize it years later
in a wave of flashbacks and regret.
	―Mydogfartsconstantly, Aug 2016
%
In the year 3000, when cars are still on the ground, nobody's living on Mars,
and cell phones are still outside of our bodies, some digital archeologist is
going to find Futurama and have a good laugh.
	―Ask-About-My-Book, Jun 2016
%
I'm 27 years old and Blink 182's "take off your pants and jacket" album pun
finally landed with me.
	―jsniff, Jul 2016
%
I wonder how many times 'It's not rocket science' has been used as a joke at
NASA.
	―JordanMcRiddles, Sep 2014
%
Pizza delivery cars should operate like ice cream trucks and have spare pizzas
you can purchase on the spot
	―rojojoftw, Nov 2014
%
The file extension for a 3D printable object should be .irl
	―Jimmythewhale, Sep 2015
%
Slow internet is a lot more annoying than no internet.
	―Parifaste, Oct 2016
%
Technically speaking, the fattest person in the world is also the most
'attractive'.
	―hats32, Nov 2014
%
If Mary had baby Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God.... Then Mary really did
have a little lamb
	―Indian_Of_Legend, Feb 2014
%
Having to watch an ad doesn't make me want to buy a product, it just makes me
hate the product/company
	―frinqe, Nov 2015
%
If we ever end up settling on a planet with low gravity, boobs will stay
perkier much longer
	―Turkulainen, Jun 2016
%
There should be a "NSFW Only" setting that filters out all posts that aren't
labeled "NSFW" so I can see everything I missed for the day without having to
feed through everything I've already seen.
	―kids_wear_this_shit, Mar 2015
%
I've never heard/used the word "ulterior" outside of the phrase "ulterior
motives."
	―510th, Mar 2015
%
If arms manufacturers started using pig leather for gun grips, ISIS wouldn't
be able to use them
	―songok_uu, Aug 2014
%
Being a young adult in this generation sort of feels like stumbling upon the
desolate remnants of a really great party that was absolutely kicking it for
40 years... only now there's no beer, and the pizza guy is waiting for you to
pay him the 12.6 trillion you owe him.
	―BecomesAngry, Sep 2014
%
For Clint Eastwood's birthday, Google should change "I'm Feeling Lucky" to "Do
you feel lucky, punk?"
	―mroybal123, Jan 2015
%
I really wish there was a better way to meet your favourite celebrity other
than having cancer.
	―HarrySeverusPotter, Aug 2016
%
Pornhub should make a NSFW version of Mythbusters that tests sex related
stories and old wive's tales.
	―Charyou-Tree, Dec 2014
%
Luke Skywalker turning his targeting computer off and destroying the Death
Star was an early example of "No Scoping".
	―huntersburroughs, May 2015
%
Canadians are so polite because they fill their geese with hatred, spite, and
malice.
	―PM_ME_UR_GREY_POUPON, Jun 2016
%
If I had a twin who was five minutes younger than me, I'd always tell him
"When I was your age" and proceed to tell him what I did five minutes ago.
	―Too_Legit_To_Outwit, May 2015
%
Most of the Problems in my life are due to two reasons: I act without
thinking, Or I think without acting.
	―Twigsnapper, Jun 2014
%
Suitcases are terrible for carrying suits.
	―Numberphile, Sep 2014
%
If alien life is ever discovered, 'aliens don't exist' will become the new
popular conspiracy theory
	―albinosamosa, Dec 2015
%
If you were really serious about punishing stores that open on Thanksgiving,
you'd buy a bunch of stuff the prior week, then return it all on Thanksgiving,
giving them negative revenue for being open that day.
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
Every time I see a woman with a newborn child, I realize she's been laid more
recently than I have.
	―heisgroot, Jan 2015
%
The fact that we know Chameleons even exist just proves they are failures.
	―Classless_Chaps, Oct 2015
%
If you spell 'socks' out loud, you are saying 'that's what it is' in
Spanish. (Eso si que es)
	―Butters2014, Feb 2015
%
We should put Valve in charge of the military, to ensure World War 3 never
happens.
	―flarn2006, Jun 2015
%
I wish Spotify had a 'never play this song again' option.
	―garrettbtm22, Dec 2015
%
As I get older, Milf porn becomes less gross and teen porn becomes more gross.
	―Always_Sunnyvale, Aug 2016
%
I just realized that my son's first birthday party will also be his first
surprise party since there's NO WAY he's expecting it.
	―themightygresh, Nov 2014
%
I would watch the shit out of a TV show where some short tempered person tried
to put together IKEA furniture.
	―jiblet84, Feb 2015
%
I only just now realize in my life that Uncle Sam stands for U.S.
	―SCHLONG_BREATH, Sep 2015
%
The moment I fasten the seatbelt, I begin wearing the car
	―hairmot, Aug 2014
%
I'm really excited to get old because living in a nursing home in 50 years is
going to be one huge LAN party
	―fventricle, Sep 2015
%
The "incognito tab" should look less suspicious.
	―nolifelowlife, May 2015
%
If your IQ is low, people will look down on you. If your IQ is REALLY low, you
get special treatment and people go out of their way to do nice things for you
	―balancespec2, Jan 2015
%
My dick has never touched a ceiling
	―Dmeegs1, May 2015
%
I wish that Chris Farley had lived long enough to impersonate Rob Ford on SNL
	―KingSerp, Mar 2016
%
If you had $999,999,999, you'd be the world's richest millionaire, but if you
had one more dollar, you'd be the world's poorest billionaire.
	―lordpond, Jul 2014
%
Anytime someone uses the phrase the "War on _______," they are almost
certainly referring to something that's not an actual war.
	―needleRick11, Aug 2015
%
If an adult had told me as a child that they secretly don't have a clue what
they're doing, growing up would have been a lot less of a shock.
	―SithKain, Aug 2015
%
Smoke breaks at work are fine, but masturbation breaks at work will get you
fired. Which one's bad for your health again?
	―FoxOfLanguages, May 2015
%
There should be a website where you enter a location and it gives you a list
of dinosaurs that lived there.
	―RadioactiveWalrus, Oct 2015
%
Google should let you know and congratulate you whenever you enter something
into the search engine that's never been searched before.
	―AtLeastImCooler, Feb 2016
%
Schrodinger's song is the first few minutes before you know if the song is
"Under Pressure" or "Ice Ice Baby".
	―kickie10, Apr 2015
%
Fireplace is probably the laziest name for any object ever.
	―TheSlyGuy1, Aug 2015
%
It's more socially acceptable to be a man who loves another man than a man who
loves Nickleback.
	―dorkface95, Mar 2015
%
According to most ghost photos, our clothes must have a soul too, otherwise
all ghosts would be photographed naked.
	―YoungLungsCoughing, May 2016
%
Amazon should have a take a penny leave a penny system where you can get rid
of your unwanted 13 cents left on a gift card and somebody can use up to a
dollar of what people left if they are a little bit short.
	―mario0102, Jul 2015
%
When there's an ad on a YouTube video i instantly hate whatever the ad is
trying to sell.
	―FuckAds____, Jul 2016
%
Game reviewers should start their reviews with how many hours they played that
game
	―hoseherdown, Jul 2014
%
The names earth porn and food porn borrow from the wrong end of the word
"pornography"
	―churniglow, Apr 2015
%
When I was young I wanted a fireman's pole in my house. I still do but now I
have twice as many intended uses for it.
	―UnknownBinary, Aug 2016
%
I can transfer data from my brain to someone else's by opening my mouth and
pushing air in their direction.
	―reid0, Sep 2014
%
Crazy people are going to blame the next American natural disaster on God's
punishment for Marriage Equality.
	―DictatorDan, Jun 2015
%
Who named it Karma and not Kreddit
	―dimlitnooks, Jun 2016
%
The words in the phrase "Right Turn Only" can be arranged in any way and still
make sense.
	―tylerbird, Aug 2016
%
'Baby wipes' is still an accurate name even when you use them to clean up
after sex.
	―elliottstanger, Jan 2016
%
Tomorrow's date will be 2^2/2^3/2^4.
	―nalafish, Apr 2016
%
Manslaughter sounds way worse than murder.
	―LoneWords, Jun 2015
%
The only reason why we think things were built to last back in the day is
because the poorly built things from back in the day don't exist anymore.
	―gntrr, May 2016
%
If my cat licks its own ass, I doubt it gives a fuck what flavor of cat food I
buy.
	―IXenomorph9605, Jul 2015
%
You all have much more interesting showers than I do.
	―jtl012, Jan 2016
%
Being born in 1994, there was never a span in my life in which it would have
been creepy for me to be attracted to Emma Watson
	―actually_crazy_irl, Mar 2016
%
Kids born in the year 2000 will never have to worry about forgetting how old
they are.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
The first teacher ever never went to school.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
I bet I'd make a fortune if I opened a kiosk in the mall that sews real
pockets into women's pants
	―Lovebot_AI, Aug 2016
%
I wonder where all the strands of hair I've lost are in the world, and what
place is farthest away from me right now?
	―Quatschlish, Jul 2014
%
Django Unchained is about a dentist fighting candy
	―Majestic_Beast, Feb 2016
%
If I owned a fast food restaurant I would have a extra button for the teller
to push if the person said "Please" or was kind. That way the cooks could know
to add extra fries or something small since the person was so nice.
	―meeseareawesome, Jan 2015
%
If I asked my parents to buy me a nice suit today, there's no chance they'd do
it. But if I died today, they'd buy me a really nice suit tomorrow.
	―DriveGenie, Nov 2014
%
Mark Hamill was destined to voice the Joker because Arkham is part of his
name.
	―nowrebooting, Aug 2015
%
When someone goes on a rant and writes "U" or "Ur" they immediately lose all
credibility.
	―Unhung_Zero, Aug 2016
%
Some atoms have gone 13.8 billion years only to learn that their purpose in
this universe is to be manufactured into a dildo to be shoved up someone's
asshole.
	―Mankriks_Mistress, Nov 2014
%
If you know sign language, binoculars can give you super hearing.
	―somethink_different, Jun 2015
%
If humans could fly, we'd consider it exercise and never do it.
	―DiogenesK9, Sep 2013
%
I am so happy I live in a world with Facebook. Before that, it would have
taken weeks, even months, before finding out someone was an idiot.
	―cabridges, Jul 2016
%
What if wishing upon a shooting star actually worked, but some jerk long ago
wished that all future wishes wouldn't come true?
	―MaximumLeech, May 2015
%
Does having a pokéstop within swiping distance of my living room increase my
house's value?
	―greg136, Jul 2016
%
If I played video games for 7 hours straight, people would think I'm a loser
with too much time on my hands. If I watched Netflix for 7 hours straight,
people would think I didn't have to do anything today.
	―GnarlyBellyButton87, Sep 2015
%
Due to inflation, future viewers of *Pulp Fiction* will think a 5 dollar
milkshake is a cheap milkshake.
	―goodmancharliebrown, Sep 2014
%
"You're on your own" must sound exotic to people who don't speak
English. "Yuron Yurōn? Is that the name of your holy city?"
	―jefuchs, May 2015
%
Driver's Ed should include a section where you're pulled over and learn how to
handle interacting with a cop.
	―siquemind4513, Sep 2016
%
I have probably said the word "fuck" more times than my own name
	―thejewishgiraffe, Feb 2015
%
All tests should be open book. It's not like your future boss is going to say,
"I need those tax returns finished by noon, but don't look at any of the
financial statements. Do it all from memory."
	―averykrouse, Oct 2015
%
The reason squidward is so bad at the clarinet is probably because they are
underwater..
	―Mitchell-182, Jun 2015
%
My son just turned two. Something that once traveled through my penis now
knows how to use crayons.
	―_HEY_EARL_, Jun 2015
%
If you could literally be bored to death, I bet the world would be a lot more
interesting
	―averageman23, May 2015
%
Human mouths always had the ability to beat-box. Someone a thousand years ago
could have dropped the sickest beats of all time.
	―Willbotski, Jan 2016
%
I bet the top 1% of Redditors have more karma and gold than the entire bottom
50% combined
	―sillybun99, Jan 2016
%
If an actor I admire turns out to be completely detestable IRL, I should
actually be even more impressed with his acting skills.
	―hawbuck, Apr 2016
%
Disney Land is the greatest human trap a mouse has ever made.
	―MasterChefRamsey, Mar 2015
%
I wish my car had a second horn that was just a little friendly noise to let
the car in front of me know the light is green.
	―JLive23, Oct 2015
%
Telling teenage boys that marijuana kills sperm is the single least effective
anti-marijuana statement one could make.
	―Val_Hallen, Sep 2015
%
Ben and Jerry's should make an ice cream with chocolate dinosaur bones that
you can dig up with your spoon
	―MonkeyUranium, Mar 2015
%
If JJ Abrams doesn't do a good job with Episode VII, Star Wars fans will
probably call him Jar Jar Abrams
	―dashooke, Nov 2014
%
Alcohol should be served in Capri-Sun styled pouches; when you can't get the
straw through the hole anymore, you've had enough.
	―IHaveNoUsernaemIdeas, Jul 2016
%
They should put dog toys in the bottom of bags of dog food.
	―greenriver572, May 2014
%
Whoever decided beards are unprofessional probably couldn't grow one
	―Humpt, Jun 2015
%
It occurred to me as I watched Deadpool last night, that Deadpool should teach
a brief sex education lesson in the beginning of Deadpool 2 to punish crappy
parents who bring their kids to rated R movies.
	―Deltadoc333, Feb 2016
%
Watching the first episode of Firefly and deciding to binge-watch the rest is
like getting into a relationship with someone you know will die in 24 hours.
	―holman8a, Jul 2014
%
Pretty much all religious paintings are fanart of the holy text
	―Randomthoughtidea, Oct 2014
%
Social Media is like alcohol: some people use it safely to aid their social
life, others have way too much and end up saying a lot of stupid things.
	―pykies, Nov 2015
%
A group of gay people should be called "a pride".
	―saywhatagain_, Jan 2015
%
If Russia is "The Motherland" and Germany is "The Fatherland", does that make
Poland the abused child?
	―rayquazarocker, Apr 2015
%
If you replaced the gum in most gum commercials with a tab of acid, the
commercial would still make sense.
	―ReverseMermaidMorty, Aug 2016
%
Our sun is part of someone else's constellation.
	―batmanisntsuper, Sep 2016
%
Due to full body armour and so many castles, the medieval era would have been
the best time to survive a zombie outbreak
	―Calmer_after_karma, Aug 2015
%
Peter Dinklage is literally a white dwarf star.
	―sangbum60090, Aug 2014
%
The first human to set foot on Mars is currently a freshman in High School who
has no idea of their future place in history.
	―JFKinc, Dec 2014
%
There should be an ELI65 to help seniors around here who want to get caught up
on things in the world.
	―WarmSummerNight, Aug 2014
%
Kids in the movies are always upset when their parents don't make it to their
recitals. As a kid I never wanted my parents to show up anywhere.
	―truthaboutcs, Jun 2016
%
Mitch Hedberg would have been the king of Twitter
	―awpls, Jun 2014
%
This is likely the first world conflict where refugees look forward to
boarding German trains.
	―Throckmorton_Left, Sep 2015
%
The "Try Again" button has never fixed any error I've had on a computer
	―Pantoner, Jan 2016
%
We need an alien invasion to unite people.
	―4242349948CMFAGT, Jul 2016
%
Xbox allows 11 year old to call me fucker and talk about raping my mom, but me
choosing the user name Catfish_tits is to vulgar and crossing the line.
	―catfish_bosoms, Jun 2016
%
There should be a superhero called Placebo-Man. He doesn't actually have any
superpowers at all, he's just a normal guy that everyone thinks is a
superhero.
	―[deleted], Mar 2014
%
The U.S. should have 53 states because it's a prime number and can't be
divided. Then we would truly be one nation, indivisible.
	―oisdaman, Nov 2014
%
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got
a real job instead.
	―ImThatMan0nTheMoon, Jul 2016
%
If everyone on Earth died simultaneously, the Internet would be comprised
entirely of bots posting, liking and upvoting each other.
	―RBII, Sep 2014
%
Fast food restaurants should make drinks that you purchase at the drive-thru
cheaper because you can't get refills.
	―SakunaM, Jan 2015
%
If Alcohol was sold in pill form as an illegal street drug.. it would be scary
for a non-user to hear about how it effects you
	―KyleSpratt, Feb 2016
%
Adam & Eve had no concept of "good and evil". So, them in the garden of
Eden is like 2 mentally disabled kids locked in a room alone everyday. Filled
with safe toys...but also a chainsaw. Mistakes were made, God. That's all I'm
saying.
	―britzka, May 2016
%
If you tell someone "I'm hung over." via walkie talky it just sounds like you
are bragging about your dick.
	―SiblingRabblery, May 2015
%
Being an introvert, I've had more thoughts about how I would have a
conversation than actually having a conversation
	―ultraflame, Jul 2015
%
We stopped using "brb" because we don't leave our devices anymore.
	―moshpitallah, Jan 2015
%
Cops pulling you over for speeding is like the adult version of teachers
telling you not to run in the hallways.
	―VaguelyHonest, Sep 2015
%
There is a dog out there that understands more Chinese than me.
	―MNsquatcher, May 2016
%
Drinking 8 glasses of water each day seems to be a monumental task; yet
drinking 8 beers and several shots in a few hours goes down like a fat kid on
a seesaw
	―darthtate, Jun 2016
%
What if porn ads aren't lies and all these years I've been missing out on a
huge weiner and local hotties in my area?
	―Back_door_bob, Jul 2015
%
We should start keeping giraffes a secret from young children. Imagine
discovering giraffes exist when you were like 15. "Woah! Check out that long
necked horse!"
	―yankeltank, Jan 2015
%
It's nice being African American because I can be first without actually being
first. I won't have to risk my life to be a "first" on Mars because a white
guy will probably do it first. But if I do it next, I can still be the first
African American on Mars.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
Never in my life have I had an ad on YouTube buffer
	―Ze_Pierceinator, Nov 2015
%
Bags of pet food should come with a toy inside.
	―dizzydaisy_, Apr 2016
%
Christian Bale has played two wealthy people who represented the best and the
worst, and their names were only 1 letter different: Batman and Bateman.
	―trashed_culture, Aug 2014
%
Someday a child will run to her parents and say "mommy, daddy, how did you
meet?" They will turn to each other, hold hands, gaze into each others eyes
and sweetly say "we both swiped right."
	―Twas_Inevitable, Jun 2015
%
Cracking my knuckles is an ability that has a cool down time
	―ch3wbacc4, Jan 2016
%
Reddit should come up with some outrageous and totally fabricated story, get
it on the front page for a while, and then watch as other sites and news
sources start reporting on and using it. That way we can see the timeline and
pattern of how items on Reddit get ripped off.
	―pm-me-a-stray-cat, Nov 2014
%
Reddit is the only place where people trust the historical knowledge of
someone who calls themselves something like I_DRINK_DIARRHEA or Crispy_Sock
	―soplias, Oct 2015
%
We eat pizza from the inside out
	―Polarbear58, Jul 2014
%
"14 years old and still beautiful as ever" is an acceptable title on /r/aww,
but not on /r/gonewild.
	―A_Link_to_the_Post, Jun 2015
%
Virginity is the one thing in the world where people actively seek someone
with zero experience as if that would somehow make them more qualified for the
task.
	―Dirtydeedsinc, Apr 2015
%
Most of the men and women in a gym are working toward the same goal, the
perfect female body.
	―Kden133769, Apr 2016
%
if there's a "heavens no" and a 'hell yea" why isn't there a "purgatory
perhaps"
	―AlyxVeldin, May 2014
%
The Milky Way galaxy may be the only galaxy with actual milk in it.
	―makintoos, Oct 2015
%
In the song "99 Problems", the police officer says "well we'll see how smart
you are when the k9 come". If this dog is a female, one of Jay-Z's problem is
indeed, a bitch.
	―JonJMR, Feb 2016
%
If you die a virgin, you're the first person in your direct ancestral lineage
to die a virgin.
	―wavydonmorgs, Sep 2015
%
It's officially that annoying time of year where it's sweater weather in the
morning but by mid-day you die of heatstroke.
	―OddzMaker, Sep 2016
%
I have been using Adblock for so long that I forgot YouTube even has ads.
	―chrscoast, Jun 2015
%
New York is the most successful sequel ever
	―yucacuy, Dec 2014
%
The word "nun" is just the letter "n" doing a cartwheel
	―ralphvigg, Oct 2016
%
If you draw -2 -2 + = on your clothes or some paper or whatever with your
finger it sounds like Chim Chiminey.
	―Lympwing2, Feb 2016
%
If an alien came up to me one day and said "take me to your leader", I would
have no idea how to accomplish that.
	―mtrowb, Feb 2016
%
"Quit your job and follow your dreams" only works because 99% of people won't
do it.
	―anallergytoanalogy, Sep 2016
%
We say hair when referring to lots of it but we say hairs when referring to a
few.
	―VoteBumblebee, May 2014
%
99% of the time I click a Reddit link and see it's a YouTube video and not a
gif I hit the back button repeatedly.
	―Maladjustee, Oct 2016
%
Kim Jong-Un must look really strange to the people of North Korea since he is
the only overweight person in the entire country
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
The Simpsons' Comic Book Guy was a stereotypical neckbeard before there was a
stereotype about neckbeards.
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
I want to see a show like Drunk History, but High Science. Neil deGrasse Tyson
and Bill Nye smoking a blunt just going on and on about space.
	―Joshoowuh, May 2015
%
We pay for criminals not to be a part of society while college students go
into debt trying to become productive members of society.
	―dejectedgoose, Jun 2014
%
The reason we are afraid of aliens abducting and harvesting humans for
resources, is because that's how humans have treated anything new they have
discovered themselves.
	―Fersel43, May 2016
%
Saying there are no aliens is like scooping a tea cup into the ocean and
saying [there are] no fish
	―lIlIIllIIllIlllIl, Nov 2015
%
I am almost 100% more likely to click on a gif than I am a youtube video
	―Unhired, Mar 2016
%
There should be a website/subreddit where people can post a picture of
themselves and bisexuals can show them a picture of someone of the opposite
sex that is about the same level of attractiveness as them. That way we get a
more unbiased idea of how attractive/unattractive we are
	―thatfcknguy, Jul 2016
%
Plastic bags are the city version of tumbleweed.
	―ProphePsyed, Aug 2015
%
Good and Evil are both only one letter away from God and the Devil.
	―tomsimps0n, Sep 2016
%
If a tattoo artist pays a stripper back with tattoos, would that be the only
truely Tit-For-Tat relationship?
	―AllBeefPat, Mar 2015
%
Shakespeare would likely have enjoyed rap
	―[deleted], Nov 2015
%
I carry my phone with me to the bathroom to browse reddit literally for "shits
and giggles".
	―Metatronix, Dec 2015
%
Dating is putting on fancy clothes so hopefully you can take them off later.
	―Twiliggle, Nov 2015
%
Every so often I say "Computer, end simulation" out loud. Just in case.
	―MusicAndLyricsByFink, Mar 2016
%
A second-born twin could technically be the older of two if the first is born
before, and the second is born after the end of Daylight Savings Time.
	―tiredwork, Mar 2014
%
If I die when I'm 30, that means my mid-life crisis was probably the time my
brother erased my saved game in The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask.
	―maplb, Oct 2014
%
Apparently there is a bipartisan push in the senate to legalize marijuana for
arthritis treatment. So in other words, there's joint support for joint
support for joint support.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
We should have a Cyborg Olympics where any drugs, limb replacements and bodily
augmentations are totally permitted.
	―Dirty_Kite, Aug 2015
%
50% of Roger Federer's name is "er"
	―JonSnuhhh, Mar 2016
%
One extra day every four years and of course it's a Monday
	―king_hippo77, Feb 2016
%
None of my posts will ever make it to the front page because I don't like
lying and all of my truths are uninteresting
	―Poogmaster1999, Feb 2016
%
Steve Carell should host the Emmy's one year as Michael Scott hosting the
dundies
	―Phresh_Prince, Dec 2015
%
As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing angers me quite as much as seeing a vegetarian
eating pudding.
	―Loudsilences, Jul 2016
%
When a woman says "we are trying for a baby," she is announcing that her
husband is cumming in her every night.
	―hotshot0430, Jun 2014
%
American football is like a turn-based strategy game while soccer is like an
real-time strategy game
	―Hotwir3, Aug 2014
%
When you call a girl a bitch, its usually when she is acting dominant or
assertive, but when you call a guy a bitch, its because hes being a huge pussy
	―call_meghandi, Jun 2015
%
As a bad speller, my goal is usually just to be close enough that the correct
spelling appears in the suggestions.
	―TheRetroVideogamers, Sep 2015
%
Saying "I have also done x, but you don't see me bragging about it", is
bragging about not bragging about something.
	―YdinSieni, Apr 2016
%
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to
harass rich women than motorcycle gangs
	―ghostofyourmom, Jul 2015
%
Jergens brand lotion should market to teenage boys with the slogan "Are you
Jergen it?"
	―lyanca, Oct 2016
%
Instead of the stupid motion sensors on toilets, have them set to flush as
soon as you unlock the stall door
	―kwithnok, Sep 2015
%
The words"on" and "off" look identical if you only see the bottom half.
	―Jackalopalen, Aug 2016
%
Some car company needs to invent a "polite honk" where you're not trying to be
a dick but you got a green light there buddy.
	―DelicateLadyQueefs, Feb 2015
%
Facebook is like Reddit's friend from school that steals all their jokes and
gets a bigger laugh even though they told them wrong.
	―Advertise_this, Jan 2016
%
The first guy who ever heard a parrot speak must have freaked.
	―eamisagomey, May 2014
%
A proper fork in the road would have three or four options.
	―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016
%
TIL is basically AskReddit for someone who used Google instead of
AskingReddit.
	―beer_intheheadlights, May 2015
%
When divorce is done right a child goes from one unhappy home to two happy
homes.
	―_coast_of_maine, Aug 2016
%
The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a
lot about the traffic trends.
	―kevinjacob, Feb 2015
%
The word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never
noticed him.
	―Tmaffa, Apr 2016
%
The "mac" in mac and cheese is also an acronym for "mac and cheese"
	―alecsteven6, Oct 2014
%
I've been practicing eating my entire life and I'm still not good enough at it
to not use a napkin.
	―JerkStoreDude, Oct 2014
%
I think that if instead of our taxes being deducted from our paychecks we
received a detailed invoice of services provided and a big bill at the end of
the year - everyone would be a bit more mindful of how the government spent
our money.
	―Phister_BeHole, Jan 2015
%
On Youtube, the video should be fixed at the top, so you could browse
comments/recommendations while watching.
	―piktas, May 2015
%
Shouldn't billboards be illegal since they distract you from the road?
	―RubberMcScrubDub, Jul 2015
%
If a rapper raps about how much money he has I just download his music for
free.
	―RedPenguinGB, Sep 2016
%
The only reason I look into other people's cars is to confirm the stereotype
of their driving.
	―midjuneau, Oct 2016
%
Feeling numb is an oxymoron
	―mostlyidiot, Dec 2015
%
I read in a TIL that "huh?" was the only universal word. That means the only
word everyone can understand is a sign of misunderstanding.
	―SpyDBM, Jun 2015
%
There should be a subreddit where you describe your facial characteristics and
sketch artists draw what they think you look like, then you post your picture
afterwards. Call it PoliceSketchme.
	―McWitt, Sep 2015
%
If Germany is the fatherland and Russia is the mother land does that make WWII
domestic violence?
	―Mi_Lady, Nov 2014
%
If there was a "female only" version of Reddit, the percentage of guys on it
would be higher than normal Reddit
	―BrokenKeyboart, May 2015
%
A better way to fuck with North Korea would be to take down the censors and
open the Internet.
	―Timecook, Dec 2014
%
Because of blinking, I've never seen the entirety of any film.
	―SirRosstopher, Feb 2015
%
Whenever I hear my own voice in a recording, it just makes me want to
apologize to everyone that I've ever spoken to.
	―MrSexysPizza, Aug 2015
%
According to the human brain, the human brain is the most advanced thing in
the world
	―Useless_IT_Guy, Sep 2016
%
Whether you type "111111" or "123456", you will most likely think the same
numbers while entering it.
	―lewinernst, Oct 2016
%
I hope Leonardo DiCaprio wins an Oscar, because I am tired of hearing about
Leonardo DiCaprio not winning an Oscar.
	―MikeyDust, Jan 2016
%
Being healthy only means you are dying as slow as possible
	―ValiantSerpant, Apr 2015
%
Youtube should make it so that people can't leave a comment until they have
played through the entire video at least once.
	―answer4answer, Apr 2015
%
A girl saying "I want to have a baby" is ironically the best form of birth
control for me.
	―sunduhawk, Sep 2015
%
Every bullet that's been fired has missed me.
	―pushbak, Jun 2015
%
Why is it people often ask, "where will I go when I die," but rarely ask,
"where was I before I was born"?
	―am_i_here, Sep 2015
%
We call our upper-arms our "guns" and our guns arms.
	―thunderstrut, Feb 2015
%
Being pregnant is like saving up 9 months worth of periods for one massive
cramp filled and bloody mega period that ends with a baby.
	―Jelese111, Jul 2016
%
Do regular dogs see police dogs and think: "oh shit, it's a cop"
	―themusicgoeson, Dec 2014
%
The Kool-aid Man sure is lucky he never takes down any load-bearing walls when
he bursts through people's homes
	―jwpp, May 2016
%
If the goverment is hiding the knowledge of aliens from us, they must be doing
a much better job of it than they seem to do at anything else.
	―DarylDixion, Oct 2015
%
Maybe "mate" is short for "inmate" and that's why Australians call each other
that.
	―erickleinetc, Jul 2014
%
"Drunk me" is like a separate person who did me some favors in high school and
now tries to mess with my life any chance he gets
	―mactheknife94, Feb 2015
%
Maybe Sean Connery pronounces "S" like "sh" because that's how it's said in
his name.
	―Sajamba, Aug 2014
%
Apple's iPhone is the reason I didn't feel the need to carry around a watch
anymore. Now they want me to buy a watch.
	―MacadamiaWire, Mar 2015
%
Someone should get fired for deciding to release Independence Day 2 on June
24.
	―theflealee, Jun 2016
%
Nicholas Cage is Schrödinger's Actor. Both good AND bad until we watch the
film.
	―EireOfTheNorth, Jan 2015
%
"Mommy watch this" is my 5 year-old's version of my "Hold my beer".
	―FormerFastCat, Apr 2016
%
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I
trust a toothbrush and toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
	―Bubbybubs, Aug 2014
%
Chrome should have a feature that allows you to mute a tab by clicking the
speaker icon it displays
	―Wyofire, Jan 2015
%
Doctor Who, a TV Show, is older than Singapore, a developed first world
country.
	―PureSmoulder, Jan 2015
%
I wish my car had two horns. One for "thank you" and one for "I hate you"
	―Pnadd50, Jan 2015
%
“i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling
mom”
	―Chubby-Fish, Nov 2015
%
10 years ago I used to joke about how in the heck Fidel Castro is still
alive. Fidel Castro is STILL alive.
	―GandalfSwagOff, Sep 2016
%
If you were born 1 year earlier/later, you would have had a completely
different set of friends at school and as a result would probably have become
a very different person.
	―Rockafish, Jul 2015
%
Imagine if everybody knew sign language. Having a second universal language
that didn't require noise would revolutionize society and how efficiently we
communicated with each other.
	―Remerez, Dec 2015
%
I wonder if centaur babies suckle from the horse-part nipples or the
human-part nipples.
	―PaperkutRob, Sep 2014
%
What if AI built to defeat the Turing test fails on purpose so we don't know
how smart it really is?
	―stone_fish23, Jun 2014
%
Like Pre-school, we should have Post-School. A half year of school for
learning day to day skills for life as an adult.
	―TheLonerPwnr, Jan 2015
%
What if the wires going to the two ear buds were different colors so it was
easier to untangle
	―Sonicnbpt, Oct 2014
%
German Shepherd is also a type of human.
	―ninjarabbit14, Jun 2016
%
Once you find out about reddit, every other time-wasting website seems like
it's only there for the people who don't know about reddit yet
	―83wonder, Sep 2014
%
420 is like taco bells black Friday
	―N1ckatn1ght, Apr 2015
%
I would never have believed that I would see a new Star Wars AND a new Harry
Potter before the next George RR Martin book
	―magemax, Feb 2016
%
If one drop of semen contains more life than one drop of blood, then why don't
vampires suck cock?
	―ConfuzzledDood, Mar 2015
%
There's a little under 500 billionaires on this planet and not a single one of
those losers has decided to become Batman.
	―Scotb6, Jul 2015
%
I haven't been on Reddit nearly as much in the past week because I haven't
been at work.
	―RuSsYjO, Jan 2016
%
We use sex to sell anything and everything. But buying or selling actual sex
is illegal.
	―cortexer, Jun 2016
%
If we truly are characters in a video game being played by an advanced
civilization, the one controlling me is a noob.
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
As a woman hanging out on reddit, I get to read the kind of conversations that
men had only in pubs and locker rooms outside of female company fifty years
ago.
	―jpallan, Jul 2015
%
Lorde has made millions off a song about how she will never be a millionaire.
	―dem_yoga_pants, Aug 2014
%
Public toilets should be able to measure the weight of people's shits and
display the results in a leader board.
	―idislikeapple, Feb 2015
%
If time ran backwards, snowmen would slowly and painstakingly emerge only to
be suddenly and violently obliterated by laughing children.
	―Pulsecode9, Jan 2015
%
All the Trump haters seem to disregard the fact that we'd probably get some
pretty sweet new punk bands out of his presidency.
	―FapForYourLife, Dec 2015
%
It must be unnerving going back to sleep for the first time after waking up
from a long coma.
	―DrunkWhenSober, Oct 2016
%
We say “hair” when referring to lots of it, but we say “hairs” when referring
to a few.
	―I_redidate, Oct 2016
%
If my dr said I have only 8 hours to live, I'd spend them at the Macy's makeup
counter with my wife because I'd run out of things to idly look at after two
minutes and the rest of the 8 hours would feel like a lifetime.
	―djriko, Oct 2016
%
The first person to say the word cool must have been really cool because
everyone started saying it.
	―mcgettigan, Dec 2014
%
Life begins as a whole bunch of firsts, and slowly, without our knowledge,
becomes a whole bunch of lasts
	―Hazardic, Sep 2015
%
My dad bought me a jacket when I was 12 that was way to big. Recently found it
buried it the closet and it now fits perfectly. My dad essentially bought me
armor that I needed 8 more years of experience to equip
	―itsthatkidgreg, May 2016
%
If you correct someone's grammar, you understood them clearly enough that you
didn't need to correct them.
	―PortlandPerson94, May 2016
%
For almost 32 years now, one of Michael Phelps' father's sperm has been doing
nothing but swimming and winning.
	―LabiaMajorasMask, Aug 2016
%
Trucknuts never have a penis on them because the dick is driving the truck
	―myfathersweregild, Apr 2015
%
A snowman is technically a body of water
	―thescentofwater, May 2016
%
Handcuffing a deaf person who uses sign language to communicate is like
gagging them
	―deej88, May 2014
%
The people who say "Don't drink milk, it wasn't designed for humans!" are the
exact same people who will tell people not to eat GMO's, which is food
purposely designed for humans
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
Why don't Villains spray paint all the bomb wires black.
	―EsquireKing, Jul 2014
%
In the Scooby Doo universe, every single mystery the gang ever encountered
always had a logical explanation. In fact, the only unexplainable phenomenon
in their entire history was that they had a dog who could fucking talk.
	―Romobyl, Apr 2016
%
Adulthood is when you stop trying to find your car's max speed and start
trying to find its max fuel efficiency.
	―maruchi_arahan, Jul 2016
%
Anyone could die at any point because of any reason so there has probably been
some point in your life where a simple decision has saved your life.
	―Kemono98, Dec 2015
%
Kids are basically sex trophies
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
Being New to Reddit kinda feels like going to a party where everyone knows
each other, and you're just standing outside the circle waiting to say
something to make everyone laugh and be welcomed in.
	―Chub_LIfeVA, Sep 2015
%
Trying to lose a game of rock-paper-scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
	―Tarantasaurusrekt, Jul 2015
%
The same people who said, go to college, take on $60k in loans, get a degree,
so you don't have to flip burgers. Are the same people who are getting upset
that people who went to college, took on $60k in loans and got a degree, don't
want to take a job flipping burgers.
	―Mellowde, Jun 2015
%
Adulthood is 50% "I'm too young for this to be happening" and 50% "I'm too old
for this shit".
	―DeathByTrayItShallBe, Jul 2015
%
I wish everything was as easy as getting fat
	―Juuhonber, Feb 2016
%
As a kid, I thought America seemed ancient and eternal. Now I realize that
America is only 238 years old and could collapse at any time just like the
Roman Empire.
	―veryfancycoffee, Oct 2016
%
Telling someone with depression to cheer up is like telling someone with acne
to wash their face
	―TrailOfPears, Feb 2016
%
Cinderella must have a hard time shopping for shoes if literally no one else
in the kingdom had her size
	―WhosTheRealRobot, Jul 2016
%
What if instead of playing dodgeball or climbing ropes, gym class focused on
proper body mechanics like good posture, running properly, squating correctly
or lifting a box from the ground?
	―Ryangonzo, Jul 2016
%
If phone companies stopped trying to make phones thinner we might get
reasonable battery life.
	―JDaxe, Aug 2016
%
YouTube should have a "Don't ever recommend shit like this to me again"
button.
	―Implied_Motherfucker, Nov 2014
%
Now we get to call a $20 bill a "Tubby"
	―dmitchell12, Apr 2016
%
One day a carton of milk will have the same expiration date I do...
	―Sodixm, Dec 2015
%
I was joking about inventing button-up tank tops for formal occasions. Then I
realized, they're called Vests.
	―[deleted], Sep 2014
%
We should merge /r/Feminism and /r/MensRights since both claim they want
equality.
	―jessemfguire87, Jul 2014
%
Bunkbeds are essentially shelves for people
	―JubeJube1, Sep 2014
%
"It isn't" and "It's not" are the same three words, just contractionalized
differently.
	―brolarvortex, Mar 2015
%
There are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky.
	―lokisto, Feb 2016
%
Talking to my mom is like going through an unskipable cutscene in a game I've
played several times.
	―TwistedCards, Jul 2016
%
The 'c' in erect is a hard 'c' and the 'c' in flaccid is a soft 'c'.
	―TheHexahedron, Apr 2014
%
"Be back in ____ minutes" signs are pretty damn useless unless you tell us
when you leave
	―Butts-ex, Sep 2016
%
I don't post links on reddit because all the interesting things I find on the
Internet are on reddit.
	―Psyworld, Nov 2014
%
Netflix should have a "create-a-channel" where you can choose all kinds of
shows/episodes that play randomly
	―sillyxwabbitx, Mar 2014
%
Netflix needs to create a 'leaving soon' queue so that users can watch a
film/tv show before it's too late.
	―lmeaac, Feb 2015
%
Viagra is like caps lock for your dick.
	―westborobabtist, Sep 2015
%
If a Redditor mentions they have a girlfriend, nobody believes it. If they
mention having a wife, nobody questions it.
	―CheesyMightyMo, Nov 2015
%
Just once instead of "follow your dreams" I want to hear a celebrity say "blow
the right guy"
	―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016
%
We should have 13 months in a year instead of 12
	―Ben_Jenderson, Oct 2014
%
'Mum jokes' are jokes about your mum but 'Dad jokes' are jokes told by your
Dad.
	―EssOhKayAyEl, Aug 2015
%
My fingers are very slowly 3D printing my fingernails.
	―nbomber, Sep 2015
%
I'm french, live in Paris, and I've never seen a mime.
	―Shryke2a, Jun 2016
%
I have yet to meet a gay couple named Adam and Steve
	―jarizzle151, Mar 2015
%
Videos of people driving and snapchatting should be enough evidence to suspend
or revoke licenses.
	―unusualnoise, Sep 2016
%
If a dog were chasing a parrot, and the parrot happened to repeat the word
"Sit," the dog might obey it as a command and neither animal would know what
had just happened.
	―KubrickIsMyCopilot, May 2016
%
George RR Martin dying before he can complete his series would be meta as fuck
and help highlight his themes about death and reality.
	―RedBeardedWhiskey, Jun 2016
%
I can't tell if I'm becoming more attractive or if I'm just getting used to
how ugly I am.
	―benitolecazzuto, Oct 2016
%
I assume everyone on Reddit is a dude about my age unless they state
otherwise.
	―SLy_McGillicudy, Oct 2016
%
Everyone actually has 3 voices, the one in your head, the one you hear when
you talk and the one that everyone else hears instead.
	―stillegal, May 2014
%
It is difficult to win an argument with an intelligent person, but it is
impossible to win an argument with a very stupid person.
	―Dreamlite, Sep 2016
%
Reddit is cable TV now. There isn't anything good on but I still flip through
constantly hoping for something decently entertaining.
	―angryherbalist, Mar 2016
%
What if some people used to be able to suck their own dicks, but natural
selection removed that trait because those people never did anything else.
	―BeardedThor, Nov 2014
%
Entering "99" on my microwave cooks my food for 39 seconds longer than when I
enter "100"
	―Chronogos, Sep 2016
%
You never really appreciate open nostrils until they are blocked
	―Eldo123, Oct 2016
%
The queen in chess is very emancipated for a game from the 6th century
	―Cherego, May 2015
%
We live in a time when it's more socially acceptable for a child to be on
amphetamines than it is for an adult to smoke pot.
	―DrSkyentist, Nov 2015
%
The Onion should publish a real article every year on April 1st.
	―Ferguson97, Jan 2016
%
"trees don't grow on money" would be a good anti-deforrestation slogan
	―Shouldbestudyin2, Mar 2015
%
When you have a fever, your body is basically saying "Kill it with fire!" To a
virus.
	―KnockMellyKnock, Oct 2015
%
"Get a Load of this Guy" would be a great name for a sperm bank
	―mmmcgils, Apr 2014
%
When pulling up Memento, Netflix should always give you the option to
"resume". Think of all the people it would mess with.
	―demosthenocke, Jun 2014
%
Superbowl XLIV looks like the roman numeral version of ELI5
	―SpanishAlbino, Feb 2015
%
If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world remains the same.
	―tidytuna, Sep 2015
%
When ever I think I'm going to get laid I ferociously clean my room. It's a
win/win regardless of if I get laid or not
	―yup_username_checks, Mar 2016
%
When Ke$ha is in the EU does she go by K€sha?
	―gamergatedcommunity, Apr 2015
%
When we make contact with aliens, conspiracy theorists will make a 180 and say
extraterrestrials don't exist.
	―tehpikey, Jul 2016
%
Together, the Black Keys and the White Stripes could form a super band called
the Grand Piano.
	―prettyfly4aRyguy, Mar 2015
%
Since windows has Cortana and Apple has Siri, Google should enter a deal with
valve and change OK Google to GlaDos.
	―Smoke731mcb, Mar 2015
%
It seems insane to think that we live in a world where an egg timer app needs
my location to figure out the boiling point of water at my latitude.
	―poopydooopy, May 2016
%
Getting a life sentence in jail is like getting the death penalty but with the
execution method being death by old age.
	―thaFalkon, Aug 2015
%
The Olympics is one of the few times you ever see women on international
television with absolutely no makeup on.
	―Supervioletrays, Aug 2016
%
Fat people are most likely to be selected when playing spin the bottle
	―logit, Oct 2014
%
In the future people will wake up hung over, hundreds of miles from home, in
their car with autopilot on.
	―kdlasjfl, Aug 2016
%
"Condoms are for pussies" is a great slogan for a condom company.
	―demonlilith, Oct 2016
%
What if ghosts say "Boo" because they only haunt people they don't like, and
all they do is "Boo" them from the afterlife. So its not to scare you, its to
show that they think you suck
	―SpockOutRockOut, Mar 2015
%
There are 8 Billion people in this world, and someone has pooped the most.
	―XylophoneSkellington, May 2015
%
Antarctica only has northern coasts
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
Teenage girls saying "I can't even" is the same as old ladies saying "Well I
never."
	―sddrow, Jul 2015
%
In Star Wars, a World War is just a minor conflict that is not of any real
significance.
	―germantoucan, May 2016
%
If Reddit shut down for a month, sites like BuzzFeed would have no idea what
to do for content.
	―JerkStoreDude, Nov 2014
%
I hope I never go to jail because I haven't memorized a phone number since
2001.
	―[deleted], Aug 2015
%
In just a little over 4 years, "30 years ago" will mean the 90s.
	―parissyndrome1988, Oct 2015
%
The reason "cheaters never win" is because the cheaters that did win didn't
get caught.
	―RocketHopper, May 2014
%
The thing that annoys me the most on Reddit is seeing other people getting
onto the front page for things that I thought were obvious/boring
	―wherearemyflapjacks, Jul 2016
%
If you don't speak English, "edited it" sounds ridiculous.
	―chicken_dinnerwinner, Oct 2016
%
I only charge my phone when I sleep. My phone's battery level reflects my own
battery level.
	―apairofgaloshes, Nov 2014
%
Half of Blink182 would be Wink91
	―erikedge, Jan 2015
%
When I drive with my left hand, the lives of the people in my car are held by
something I can't even write my name with.
	―Rokzo, May 2016
%
Magneto could totally make Wolverine give him a blowjob and there's nothing
Wolverine could do to stop it
	―Goblins_and_Ghouls, Nov 2014
%
Ashley Madison is about to become a dating website for divorced people.
	―danderson5, Jul 2015
%
Birth Certificates are just receipts for human beings.
	―therap321, Sep 2016
%
If Emma Watson and Prince Harry are really dating, then their future child
would be a Half-Blood Prince
	―doppleganger2621, Feb 2015
%
I only just realised Bill from Pokemon who invented the PC is a reference to
Bill Gates.
	―coekzeru, Sep 2015
%
Saying you're a realist is an optimist's way of saying you're a pessimist
	―callaghanrs, Nov 2015
%
Me talking about "my brain" is my brain talking about itself in 3rd person.
	―Capstf, Nov 2014
%
If I won a years supply of calendars, I would only win 1 calendar
	―deard4, Nov 2014
%
99% of the conversations I practice in my head never happen.
	―MilfWrangler, Sep 2016
%
Scooby-Doo taught us that the real monsters always turn out to be humans.
	―clifwith1f, Oct 2013
%
Mosquitoes must have balls of steel. If I saw a giant thousands of times
bigger than me, I'd be hastily running in the opposite direction, not
enthusiastically flying towards it with a jet pack and a syringe.
	―Laudaaa, Oct 2016
%
On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.
	―BookerGinger, May 2015
%
If 0.001% of the world's population of the opposite sex finds you attractive,
you could have a new partner a day until you die
	―alex617, Jul 2016
%
A common human mating ritual involves killing plants and displaying their
reproductive organs.
	―KLAM3R0N, Feb 2015
%
When I was a kid, people got really pissed if you read their diaries. These
days, kids put their diaries on the internet and get pissed if you don't read
them.
	―fatalis_vox, Apr 2015
%
It's convenient that all the planets in the Star Wars story seem to have the
same gravity.
	―dyslexic__redditor, May 2016
%
If woman only got pregnant when they orgasm, teen pregnancy wouldn't be as
much of a problem.
	―donnerthereindeer, Apr 2015
%
Witches have black cats because if they had white cats they would have white
cat hair all over their clothes.
	―dizeaze, Dec 2015
%
If I'm lucky, my internal organs will never see the light of day.
	―Strant, Jun 2014
%
I've never met an unintelligent person who reads frequently
	―Dog_The_Explorer, Mar 2016
%
If I know someone can take a joke/insult without being offended, then I don't
mind if they insult me. But if it is someone who gets offended easily who
insults me, I find that offensive.
	―Joshsh28, Sep 2016
%
Considering how big the universe is, there are probably space battles going on
somewhere right now.
	―Gojirex, Jun 2014
%
Does medusa have pubes and if do, are they Also snakes?
	―Bernard_PT, Apr 2016
%
Only two days of your life are less than 24 hours long
	―ChaotiCait, Aug 2014
%
Why was it called 'The Cosby Show' if Bill Cosby played a guy named Cliff
Huxtable?
	―Shannonagannery, Sep 2014
%
We will never know who the worlds greatest spy was.
	―sublime_mime, Oct 2014
%
Amazon should have a button that let's you donate enough to cover for the free
shipping price so you don't have to order another item and you get to help
charities.
	―sdcarlisle13, Jun 2015
%
Instead of asking for $3, Wikipedia should ask for $3.50 and randomly redirect
you to the loch ness monster page until you donate
	―huehuelewis, Dec 2014
%
Most janitors either took the phrase "stay in school" too seriously or not
seriously enough
	―ORANGES_n_LEMONS, Mar 2015
%
Humans would secretly communicate through Captcha in case robots become self
aware and try to take over the World
	―Captainsoap, May 2016
%
If the movie "Yes Man" was instead "Yes Woman" it probably would have just
been a porno.
	―LilaLancaster, Nov 2014
%
As a straight dude, I'm totally pumped to watch some Gay Divorce Court.
	―PinkFreudianSlips, Jun 2015
%
If life was an MMO people would criticize it for its awful balancing and how
much mindless grinding you have to do.
	―dmazin, Oct 2015
%
Cocktail has basically the same meaning as Dickbutt.
	―roastbeefandcheddar, Jun 2015
%
Plague Inc. Is an example of how bad the Olympics in Rio could be.
	―xGrimtoothx, Jul 2016
%
People who say "Don't tell me what to do" are hypocrites
	―TheHamgurgler, Jun 2014
%
If you wanted to find the ß symbol, searching Google for "german ss" won't get
you what you want.
	―ThereGoesMySanity, Jun 2015
%
When I first joined reddit I was excited to get replies, now when I get one I
wonder 'Who did I piss off this time?'
	―Fluffy_Apple, Jul 2016
%
One day, my grandkids will think I'm weird for watching so many superhero
movies in the same way I think my grandpa is weird for watching so many
westerns.
	―Jaxel_MS, Sep 2016
%
The dwarves eat all of Bilbo's food at the beginning of The Hobbit so it
doesn't spoil while he's gone.
	―Chatia, Jan 2015
%
Ikea furniture should come with a QR code that links to a video on how to
assemble the furniture
	―FuckTruckTalk, Aug 2015
%
I wish the word "symmetry" was a palindrome
	―BammaLamb, Jun 2016
%
If I had a nickel for every up vote I received, I'd still need my day job.
	―PumpkinSeed, Jun 2015
%
My sex life is like 9/11: It happened a while ago, and it could happen again
any day now, but men and women around the world are doing their best to
prevent it from ever happening again.
	―mharrizone, May 2015
%
I wonder how many times a bird caller thought they were calling to a bird, but
we're actually calling to another bird caller.
	―LuSeMu, Sep 2015
%
When you're a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you're an
adult they're considered immature.
	―kraken_calamari, Mar 2014
%
I've given out way more karma than I will ever receive...
	―daygo55, Oct 2015
%
Patrick lives "under a rock" and Squidward lives "in his head"
	―dvhunt, Sep 2016
%
If the Chargers and Rams move into a stadium together, it should be sponsered
by Dodge...
	―v-shizzle, Jan 2016
%
How far back in history do you have to go before it's considered archaeology
instead of grave robbing?
	―brotherbunsen, Mar 2014
%
Earphones should have an 'in ear' sensor so your phone can pause the music
when you take them off and play it again when you put them on
	―javyscap, Oct 2014
%
There should be an anti-front page, where you can see the most downvoted posts
of the day.
	―kratomized, Nov 2014
%
Amazon has ruined my expectations on how quickly an item should be shipped and
handled
	―thedunstin, Aug 2016
%
My childhood punishments (going to bed early, not leaving the house, etc) have
become goals as an adult.
	―saracandy39, Sep 2016
%
When I buy drugs, I financially support my drug dealer's war against the
police. When I pay taxes, I support the government's war on drugs and
dealers. I am neutrality.
	―niall558, Mar 2015
%
Overweight people who refuse to buy two tickets should have to sit next to
other overweight people who refused as well.
	―bicpensandrazors, Dec 2014
%
Most of the men and women at the gym are working toward the same goal, The
perfect female body.
	―Donbishop, Apr 2015
%
People were so superstitious about the number 13 that they would skip the 13th
floor while building hotels, but not bakers, bakers fucking owned it
	―Regularoldballoon, Jun 2016
%
Because I have to bribe my dog to take her medication she probably thinks
peanut butter has healing properties.
	―s1ugg0, Sep 2016
%
If Hillary gets elected President, she'll have to go to work everyday, for at
least four years, in the very same office where her husband got blowjobs from
Monica Lewinsky.
	―captain_craptain, Dec 2014
%
If you got your tongue stuck in a mouse trap, you'd start pronouncing it mouth
trap, and that is also what it would be, and that is pleasing
	―[deleted], May 2015
%
It's been a full ten years since we properly appreciated how easily the
handwritten numeral 5 can be changed to a 6.
	―cats__hammers, Jan 2016
%
I've never come across a better consistent source of information than
Wikipedia despite always being told how unreliable it is
	―_rochelle-rochelle_, Oct 2016
%
Cows born in India basically won the life lottery
	―Kambohdia, Apr 2016
%
if a smoker got amnesia, would they remember they smoke and have the urge to
smoke or unknowingly quit?
	―Not_a_Fax_Machine, Jul 2016
%
Viagra is like caps lock for your dick.
	―Cecilyle, Oct 2016
%
I love sleep because it's like a time machine to breakfast.
	―pinkpizza, Dec 2014
%
The four most reassuring words any university student can hear are "I haven't
started either"
	―bfallis95, Dec 2015
%
Humans require years of training to not shit themselves.
	―LesMiserables999, Jul 2015
%
My time at the university was like that moment in Interstellar where they make
a small mistake and lose 7 years of their lives
	―poushkar, May 2016
%
If you own a samurai sword you are either a highly skilled assassin or a huge
nerd.
	―Zapinsure, Sep 2015
%
The only time you ever see a condom used in a sex scene in a film is if it's a
comedy.
	―Colinmacus, Sep 2015
%
I am against monopolies in principal, but I still want Netflix to have all the
shows.
	―i_sigh_less, Jun 2016
%
The Cellphone has probably destroyed the alarm clock industry.
	―crobnuck, Apr 2016
%
In the future, "automatic" and "manual" will refer not to the car's
transmission, but whether the car drives itself or not.
	―YellowG1, Jul 2015
%
The only difference between "mostly sunny" and "partly cloudy" is my
weatherman's outlook on life.
	―motodriveby, Feb 2016
%
The fact that the Machines took the time to create the Matrix for us is pretty
generous.
	―GlassineAeroplane, May 2016
%
As a kid I could never get my hands on a fast food meal and as an adult I can
never get my hands on a home cooked meal
	―SenorKerry, Jul 2016
%
Reddit's audience is about 50/50 male to female, but whenever I read a post I
automatically think it's a male who posted it.
	―polish_THIS_turd, Jul 2016
%
I am so bad at capchas, I am starting to suspect I am not human.
	―EasyRedditor, Apr 2015
%
I wonder if the picture that will be used for my funeral has already been
taken?
	―Fudgycheeseman, Apr 2016
%
Teach a man to fish he'll pay you once, sell a man a fish and he'll pay you
for a lifetime
	―[deleted], Feb 2014
%
Deleting a comment should only delete your name from the comment
	―TylerTJ930, Oct 2014
%
You can spell "LIFE" within the letter "E"
	―yumyumroar, Sep 2014
%
Taking a picture of your food is like taking a "before" picture of your shit
	―Yrjosmiel, Jan 2016
%
What if over time the developers of Pokémon GO slowly reduce Pokémon spawn
rates to zero, and the app turns out to be a publicity stunt to warn about the
dangers of over hunting and extinction.
	―character_yellow, Jul 2016
%
People who said "Even Harper Lee will release a sequel before George
R. R. Martin" were actually right.
	―bin161, Feb 2015
%
"Can I have your wifi password?" is the modern "Can I use your home phone?"
	―Wasseratem, May 2016
%
I'm a twin. One of us were unplanned.
	―PLXGUE, Feb 2014
%
If Homeward Bound were filmed today, it'd probably be considered unacceptable
for the animals' voices to be simple voice overs. The resulting dog-mouth CGI
would probably ruin the movie.
	―Dooner7, Aug 2014
%
The only reason you think items were made better in the past (e.g. "They don't
make them like they used to") is because you don't see all the trashy cheap
stuff that *didn't* survive. Only the well-made items survived.
	―cthulhu-kitty, Aug 2014
%
Sony Honeydicked us into watching The Interveiw
	―blacktrout225, Dec 2014
%
Reddit is the social media page for people who avoid social media.
	―J0noSnow, May 2016
%
I want to believe that the sperm that became Michael Phelps out swam all of
the other sperm by a mile.
	―you_ni_dan, Aug 2016
%
It's easy to think my generation is special because we've seen so many huge
changes, like the internet, cellphones, 9/11, etc., but just two generations
ago saw WWII / the atomic bomb, and two generations before that saw the birth
of the automobile. So every generation probably feels this way.
	―Jhaev, Sep 2015
%
Vampires are pretty well-groomed considering they did it all without a mirror.
	―sintral, May 2015
%
Sasha Grey's kid has to be really careful when browsing porn
	―whatthebitchsaw, May 2015
%
Surgeons and snipers need steady hands for the exact opposite reason.
	―[deleted], Jun 2015
%
At some point, Reddit will be the next Yahoo or AOL, and only old people will
use it.
	―That_Sketchy_Guy, Apr 2016
%
Teenage girls saying "I can't even" is basically the same as old ladies saying
"Well I never".
	―KittenRaffle, Jun 2015
%
"passed" rotated 180 degrees is still "passed"
	―swaggermint, Jan 2015
%
If animated GIFs are popular, doesn't that mean silent movies are back in
style?
	―smallpoly, May 2015
%
Alcohol free and free alcohol are the polar opposites of fun.
	―Maddlux, Jul 2016
%
Porn mags in the Harry Potter universe would be amazing.
	―ElectricSeal, Jun 2014
%
You can't see photons, but photons are the only thing you can see.
	―dbspeakers, Oct 2016
%
My kids are better about turning off lights and closing doors in Minecraft
than IRL.
	―hechoinmexico, Dec 2015
%
The word "Read" is like schrodinger's cat. It exists as both words until it is
read by someone.
	―pm_me_pizza_giftcard, May 2016
%
If facebook added an anonymous dislike button, there would be a lot less
garbage on our newsfeeds.
	―Kyankik, Oct 2014
%
People used to save the newspapers from the day their baby was born. By the
time I have mine, I'll probably screenshot the front page of reddit.
	―kaj131, Sep 2016
%
Since a straight line only needs two points, you and I are perfectly lined up
right now.
	―CombustibleA1, Aug 2014
%
As an adult, my penis is the closest thing I have to the little red devil that
stood on shoulders and whispered terrible advice in to cartoon character's
ears.
	―TheGreenAbe, Jul 2016
%
CPR is the human version of blowing in a videogame cartridge and hoping it'll
work again.
	―godblow, Feb 2015
%
"Sh*ts and giggles" is kind of cute, but "Sharts and gargles" is an entirely
different mental image.
	―MedicsOfAnarchy, Feb 2015
%
The fact that nobody won the $900 million lottery last night pretty much rules
out the possibility that mankind will discover time traveling technology.
	―msx8, Jan 2016
%
The symbol for Christianity is a torture instrument
	―Azumikkel, Jun 2016
%
Clifford the Big Red Dog must have taken massive shits.
	―travisofarabia, Dec 2015
%
If you already donate to the ASPCA, there should be a way you can opt out of
watching those depressing animal commercials again
	―luva_ofa_drumma, Jan 2015
%
Only attending church during Christmas and Easter is the religious equivalent
of only watching sports during the playoffs.
	―Mr_Bundles, Apr 2015
%
People thinks it's crazy that an elephant can be scared by a mouse, but so
many people are scared of insects.
	―TheUsernameOfDoom, Aug 2016
%
Bruce Willis needs to age a bit more so Old Habits Die Hard can be filmed.
	―Sahasrara, Feb 2014
%
The greatest impact of self driving cars will be on pranks. Your mate passes
out in London after drinks, stick them in the car, shout "Aberdeen" at the
computer and send them on their way.
	―space-time-noodle, Dec 2015
%
Twilight is a series of books where a teenage girl tries to make up her mind
if bestiality is better than necrophilia.
	―Zykium, Jul 2016
%
Family Guy seems to be 90% Seth McFarlane talking to himself
	―Loveisjusta, Aug 2016
%
Dreams would be much more fun if they were multi-player servers that other
sleeping people could join.
	―JJTjames, Jul 2014
%
Why would the guy who thought superman was a bird feel like he had to yell to
everyone on the block about it
	―13langee, Sep 2014
%
Just as our bodies heat up to kill off a sickness, what if global warming is
the earth heating up to kill off humanity?
	―chachasling, Jan 2015
%
The laugh track in "How I Met Your Mother" would make more sense if it were
two kids laughing, rather than a studio audience.
	―Todyj8, Nov 2015
%
I was too young to realize it, but Cherry Poppin' Daddies is a pretty fucked
up band name.
	―inputmethod, May 2016
%
A male lunch lady is a lunch lord
	―DataBiter, Aug 2016
%
I used to think women wouldn't date me because they are shallow. Now I realize
they don't date me because I'm not interesting, funny, attractive, or have any
other admirable qualities really.
	―Pepperman94, Aug 2016
%
Family Guy is 90% Seth MacFarlane talking to himself
	―greengrasser11, Feb 2014
%
Chipotle doesn't use chipotle as an ingredient in anything on its menu
	―ArbitrageurD, Apr 2016
%
I think eating a steak after a workout is the most savage thing ever. You're
eating an animal's muscle to basically steal its strength.
	―Landonraster, Jun 2016
%
On May 2, the anniversary of the first Loch Ness Monster sighting, Reddit Gold
should be $3.50.
	―TeethOrBullets, Apr 2016
%
Anyone who feels the need to point out that they're 'weird' is probably
boring.
	―mysticalzebra, Oct 2016
%
In the Harry Potter world, why is there no magic spell to correct his vision?
	―anoelr1963, Aug 2016
%
Theaters should have headphone jacks in their seats so you can plug in
earphones if someone is being loud and distracting.
	―flapjack009, Jun 2016
%
If I ever get Alzheimer's, at least I can rewatch all my favourite comedies
and not see the jokes coming.
	―rosylux, Jan 2015
%
Rap is all about poor people bragging about being rich, while country is rich
people bragging about being poor.
	―BadElement, Apr 2015
%
Maybe Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train
station.
	―Ghostkid46714, May 2015
%
When a sorority girl wears an oversized shirt, they are wearing Schrodinger's
pants. The pants may be considered simultaneously there and not there.
	―DaWhompOfLegends, Aug 2016
%
How much fun it would be to own a lightsabre in a zombie apocalypse
	―PlRATE, Oct 2014
%
I've never had to change the lightbulb in a microwave.
	―chetoflep, Sep 2016
%
An option on Netflix to watch the trailer of the movie would help out on
deciding what to watch
	―iJustObserve, Oct 2014
%
If the events of the Matrix took place in today's time, they'd be fucked
trying to find a phone line for an exit.
	―MAKOxEYES, May 2016
%
I hate when people say 'tuna fish' sandwich. I don't say I'm having a 'chicken
bird' or 'beef mammal' sandwich.
	―lddiamond, Apr 2016
%
The women that "hover" over toilet seats are the reason women feel like they
need to "hover" to begin with.
	―tina4free, Sep 2016
%
We never realize how many people we dislike until it comes to naming our
child.
	―Storytellerbobfan, Sep 2016
%
Say what you will about Plankton, but he could have created a computer wife
who does his bidding and never disagrees. Instead, he created a computer wife
with free will. She often nags and mocks him, just like a real wife would do.
	―alexandergunther, Oct 2016
%
Nikola Tesla is now best known for not being well known
	―justhereforhides, Apr 2014
%
Monkeys made it to space before we did without even trying.
	―Zambeee, Feb 2015
%
1980 is as far away as 2046.
	―SnailHunter, Oct 2013
%
I hope Jared Fogle gets fat again in prison.
	―neuroeng, Feb 2016
%
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who
claim to have been abducted by aliens.
	―brandonberry, May 2014
%
Teenagers have only ever known what it's like being a child, but are expected
act like adults while being treated like a child.
	―JMS230, Nov 2015
%
When a British person says they have a bloody nose, it sounds like they're
angry at the fact that they have a nose.
	―PlutoEra, Oct 2014
%
You could just post a picture of a random object and say it's cake and people
would be super impressed.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
The person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with is out there
creating memories that you'll hear about when you eventually meet them.
	―cloudracing, Jan 2015
%
the goo goo dolls need to tour with lady gaga and call it the goo goo gaga
tour
	―lotusmilano, Feb 2016
%
Whenever a teacher allowed students to make a cheat sheet for a test, they
were conning us into actually studying
	―tkarocker, May 2016
%
No matter how awful I feel, the sound of rain beating against my bedroom
window calms my soul.
	―jcros830, Sep 2016
%
Water (blue) + Sun (yellow) = Plants (green)
	―TimeIsWasted, Mar 2015
%
If you log more than two hours a day on reddit, you should not be allowed to
post to r/getmotivated
	―radcoconut1, Feb 2015
%
What if aliens visited Earth, but they came when it was frozen solid 650 mil
years ago and they wrote it off as a lifeless frozen rock.
	―ragingfailure, Aug 2015
%
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so
technically pancakes are more important than family.
	―GnarlyBellyButton87, Oct 2015
%
If Jesus came back today, the most devout "Christians" would probably be the
ones to persecute him.
	―nonyface, May 2015
%
The word "nun" is just the letter "n" doing a cartwheel.
	―CreeperDays, Mar 2015
%
I often sit down at my desk in front of my $1200 custom built PC and browse
Reddit on my iPhone.
	―littlespoon22, Jul 2016
%
WebMD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always
cancer
	―DeKobeDeBryant, Jun 2016
%
In light of the Sony hackings, South Park should make an episode where they
just kill Kim Jong-un over and over again.
	―HenryAlanVenture, Dec 2014
%
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we're like "that's a soup
ladle".
	―[deleted], Sep 2016
%
I'm surprised Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn't done any work with Burger
King. "Get to da whoppa!" would make for a great ad.
	―jonwilt, Dec 2014
%
A penis is essentially a hydraulic sperm cannon made out of meat
	―Prettygirlproblems, May 2016
%
a sheep spends her whole life fearing the wolves, and gets eaten in the end by
the shepherd.
	―Amine-de, Jul 2016
%
Being able to scratch my balls as thoroughly and as often as I wanted (in
public) would be a seriously underrated perk of telekinesis.
	―abdishaquor, Sep 2014
%
A pizza is circular, but everyone eats it from the inside out. Everyone's
first bite starts at the exact center of the pizza.
	―Narhen, Apr 2016
%
It is more widely socially acceptable to watch TV and do nothing than it is to
play video games and control what you do.
	―5K331DUD3, Jun 2016
%
I think ELY5 would be vastly more entertaining, albeit less informative, than
ELI5
	―PeterM76, Apr 2015
%
Today my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash all ran out
simultaneously. That'll probably never happen again as long as I live.
	―mt_dewsky, May 2016
%
In 12 years or so... If reddit is still a thing, the kid that fell into
Harambe's enclosure might do an AMA
	―Invictum2go, Sep 2016
%
I will only trust a napkin if it's in a stack
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
Today is the worst Monday of the year for everyone, so far
	―jrinco11, Jan 2015
%
Aliens living millions of light years away haven't invaded us yet in fear of
dinosaurs that their telescopes show on Earth.
	―polikujm1, May 2015
%
Pringles should have a twister at the bottom like deodorant to bring the chips
closer to their destination.
	―RIPproductivity, Mar 2015
%
I would pay good money to watch a version of the Olympics where only people
using performance enhancing drugs can compete. It would be awesome to see the
true extent of the human body.
	―Bryden1, Aug 2016
%
While searching on Google, I find myself still clicking the "did you mean"
link even after Google has loaded the results I wanted
	―Jdcarty, Apr 2016
%
You never realize how much is stolen from reddit until you start going on
reddit.
	―Teh_Ocean, Oct 2016
%
This is probably the first time in history where men are wanting to see a
movie about a teddy bear, and women want to see a movie about strippers.
	―Turkinator25, Jul 2015
%
The NSA is the only part of our government that listens to us.
	―krypel, May 2015
%
My genitals have seen less direct sunlight than many deep sea creatures.
	―Gawsoo, Oct 2014
%
As a married man, I don't randomly honk my wife's boobs nearly as often as 14
year old me thought I would.
	―benicebitch, Jun 2015
%
I wish there were a website called Frood that matches people who want a free
meal with people who will pay because dinner alone is boring.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
Pac-man was trapped in a maze of pill addiction, trying to outrun his demons
before his lifestyle caught up to him.
	―culturalcalories, Jan 2016
%
The Fat Acceptance Movement is the only movement that can be defeated by
actual movement.
	―InebriatedAustrian, May 2015
%
"#1 Dad/Mom" presents would be a really bad idea if you had gay parents.
	―JoshSifuentes, Sep 2014
%
For April Fools' Day, the Hot or Not app should remove the social media aspect
and just show the user a bunch of pictures (an igloo, a campfire, etc) and
request each object to be identified as Hot or Not
	―lexhardcastle, Nov 2014
%
I wonder if Alex Trebek's tombstone will say 'Who was the host of Jeopardy?'
	―Phister_BeHole, Jan 2015
%
The "World's Oldest Profession" can't be prostitution because the first man to
use a prostitute had to have some kind of job to pay her.
	―OccamsBeard, Feb 2015
%
When I was a kid I used to prioritize having a cool ringtone. Now I just keep
my phone on silent...
	―yangchi2436, Apr 2015
%
Monopoly is only made by one company
	―OwenOtter, Mar 2014
%
I can't think of a phrase with a more reverse impact than, "Calm Down".
	―thatkidintomusic, Apr 2016
%
There should be a hat store called "ALL CAPS" where the employees all yell at
you
	―Raptor231408, Nov 2014
%
Reddit is a social network for people who hate social networks.
	―patkndy, Jan 2016
%
The internet uses many terms relating to water. I can surf the web, stream a
video, or wait until my computer freezes
	―Faverett, Jun 2016
%
Is the "S" or "C" in scent silent?
	―Vaxtin, May 2015
%
Batman's parents got killed when he was lil Wayne
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
Amputees with prosthetic legs can use the phrase "I stand corrected"
literally.
	―[deleted], Jul 2014
%
I wonder how many people I've unknowingly interacted with in public that had a
butt plug in their ass.
	―MCsmalldick12, May 2015
%
The Star Wars title crawls are still floating through space.
	―William_H_Harrison, Jul 2014
%
When I'm at home, NSFW stands for Not Safe For Wife
	―basstotrout69, Jan 2015
%
I can send pictures of smiling poo, but I can't text in italics
	―CaptainSomeGuy, Feb 2016
%
Vampires only suck your blood for Vitamin D because they can't go out in the
sun themselves.
	―CaptainSkull22, Jul 2016
%
In the year 2021 the phrase "hindsight is 20/20" will be insufferably popular.
	―Alsweetex, Dec 2015
%
How the fuck am I meant to stay with the same girl for the rest of my life
when I can't even jack off over the same porn twice?
	―[deleted], Aug 2015
%
Having "Birthday Sex" essentially means that you're having sex to celebrate
your parents having had sex.
	―timbla, Nov 2014
%
100 years ago, most people were skinny and the rich were fat. Now the poor are
fat and the rich are skinny.
	―FyurienStudios, Dec 2015
%
In order to fall asleep, you have to pretend to be asleep.
	―conesarecool, Feb 2014
%
In 'How I Met Your Mother,' Ted represents how most guys see
themselves. Barney represents what most guys think they would most enjoy being
like. But secretly, Marshall represents the type of life most guys would be
happiest living.
	―mista_rager, Aug 2014
%
If 7 billion competed in a single elimination rock paper scissor tournament,
the winner would have only won 33 times in a row.
	―[deleted], Jul 2014
%
I should call one digit away from my number and introduce myself to my phone
neighbors
	―Moirebass, Dec 2014
%
Women can say "what a dick" as an insult or a compliment for men.
	―popnfresh24, Jan 2015
%
They should put alarms on car keys that go off when your car alarm goes off.
	―RiddleMeThis1213, Jun 2015
%
Do I exist only because one of my ancestors was raped?
	―KeoneShyGuy, Oct 2014
%
Birthday sex is like having celebratory sex because your parents had sex.
	―dem930, Apr 2016
%
If I had a dollar for every time I considered suicide, I'd want to live
instead
	―YulliaTy, Oct 2016
%
Samuel L Jackson killed a bounty hunter named Jango in Star Wars and got
killed by a bounty hunter named Django in Django Unchained
	―Drakesfjord, Mar 2016
%
The Jurassic Park movies have ruined any possibility of there being a dinosaur
theme park.
	―Miamime, Jun 2015
%
Masturbating to pictures in the Harry Potter universe would be extremely
uncomfortable for the people in the pictures.
	―CaptainDarkstar42, Jul 2015
%
Swiper never actually steals anything of much importance, or keeps it for too
long. He probably just had an awkward crush on Dora and doesn't know how to
flirt.
	―Papasixfivefive, Sep 2015
%
By killing spiders you see near you, you are allowing only the sneaky spiders
to breed, creating an evolved species of super sneaky spiders that you won't
see coming for you.
	―TheMattBox, Aug 2016
%
Why on earth are cereal bags not Ziploc yet?
	―nyc_daniel, Aug 2016
%
Masturbating deaf men must be amongst the most paranoid person alive
	―themoisme, Aug 2016
%
I have never liked, commented, or subscribed, just because a youtuber asked me
to
	―Rskingen, Nov 2015
%
When there's an earthquake, coffins become huge underground maracas.
	―Crazykool5, May 2015
%
People are easily shelling out $550-$700 on an iPhone, but think $1500 is too
expensive for a computer.
	―Ilikethebestthing, Dec 2015
%
In my entire life, I have never seen a female taxi driver.
	―zedgy, Dec 2014
%
Your dogs butt would be a good place to smuggle drugs past a drug dog
	―armpitchoochoo, Aug 2015
%
The names Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint sound more made-up than Harry
Potter and Ron Weasley.
	―Taman_Should, Dec 2015
%
A laser tag arena would be an intense place for a cat.
	―eskimoexplosion, Jan 2016
%
Cannibalism would fix hunger problems and overpopulation at the same time
	―ImP1nheadLarry, Jul 2016
%
I feel like a boss whenever i use an inside breast pocket on a jacket.
	―tjpj1919, Jul 2016
%
All our pets might have Stockholm syndrome.
	―TeeDeeEff, Jan 2014
%
Squidward is far too judgemental for someone who never wears pants.
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
Stephen Hawking is 74... That's the best proof I need that exercise isn't
necessary to living a long life.
	―Off_Duty_Superhero, Feb 2016
%
Middle aged adults say that young people are ruining English by texting, but
all of my 18 to 27 year old friends use near perfect grammar. My mom, dad, and
grandma abbreviate every word they can.
	―MicroCamel, Sep 2016
%
If I bring a condom to a girl's house, I'm a presumptuous asshole. If I don't
bring a condom to a girl's house, I'm an irresponsible jerk.
	―jerryterhorst, Jul 2015
%
Why the HELL don't individual Poptart packages tell you what flavor they are?!
What anarchy this is.
	―AndrewWaldron, Mar 2016
%
People who buy $60 games are the beta-testers for those of us who buy $10
games.
	―[deleted], Jun 2014
%
When you're checking people out on Facebook with your smartphone, it's like a
human pokedex
	―Lilchubbychunk, Nov 2014
%
'The Walking Dead' spin-Off should have an all-black cast so you'd never know
who would die next.
	―TickingSticks, Feb 2015
%
Not hiring someone because they’ve been unemployed is like not dating someone
because they’ve been single.
	―Kevin_mark32, Aug 2016
%
The best time to burn down your workplace is right after someone else gets
fired.
	―thewritingchair, Nov 2015
%
Candy corn is made from high fructose corn syrup. Probably the most accurate
use of corn syrup.
	―SmugSceptic, Oct 2016
%
'Slang' is a colloquial word for 'colloquial word'.
	―caucasian-gary, Jun 2014
%
The real heroes of Reddit are those poor, brave souls who read the articles
and then explain to us why the headline is BS or clickbait
	―IStillLikeChieftain, Oct 2016
%
Is there an alternate universe that has a Pawn Shop channel that only airs
shows about history?
	―[deleted], Jun 2014
%
Anal seemed hot when I was in my teens/lower twenties. After a few months of
living with my girlfriend, the smell of the bathroom in the morning after her
morning coffee has put that fetish to rest. Forever.
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
If I were a serial killer I would call myself the suspense so that the
suspense would literally be killing people.
	―AhrmiintheUnseen, Jan 2014
%
Steve from Blue's Clues was a social recluse that stayed in his house all day
talking to his condiments.
	―Pichus_Wrath, Jun 2014
%
Almost all good decisions I've made since adulthood have been preceded by the
phrase, "Fuck it".
	―MrGooses, Jun 2015
%
I can go East or West forever, but if I go North I will eventually go South.
	―P3t0r, Sep 2015
%
Why aren't there men's underwear that say "Willy Wonka" on the front, and "The
Chocolate Factory" on the back?
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
If J.J. Abrams screws up Star Wars, he will be referred to as Jar-Jar Abrahams
forever more.
	―JRichardson99, Aug 2015
%
The more I think about it, the more impressed I am with the amount of human
trust it takes to use a glory hole. I'd be terrified that there's someone with
a pair of garden shears on the other side.
	―actually_crazy_irl, Apr 2016
%
Seeing as how both Batman and Ironman’s only real super powers are that they
are super rich and very smart, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs sure turned out to be
disappointments.
	―seemarakesh, Oct 2016
%
As a college senior, I can't wait until my net worth is finally $0
	―KingOfTheCouch13, Jul 2015
%
No drug dealer I have ever encountered has offered me a "First One's Free to
get you hooked" deal, like my school and parents told me would happen as a
kid. Kind of disappointed.
	―peppersrus, Nov 2015
%
There should be signs telling you when drug free school zones end so you know
when it's OK to do drugs again.
	―The_Amazing_Scrotum, Aug 2016
%
"Fuck" is great because only people who I'd want to offend would be offended
by it.
	―Halfhead, Jun 2016
%
What if humans are sperm's way of reproducing?
	―foaming_infection, Jul 2014
%
Coffee chains are socially acceptable drug dealers.
	―dumbconsumer, Dec 2014
%
Just realized Will and Jada named their kids Willow and Jaden.
	―Invicta_Game, Feb 2015
%
What if kids loving their parents is a form of Stockholm Syndrome?
	―BobVosh, Aug 2014
%
"Where are you?" has probably never been asked in sign language
	―butterknot, May 2016
%
As a kid, I thought people used "grow up" to mean "be tough enough and brave
enough to stand up to the world's bullshit", as an adult I realize people
actually used the phrase to mean "be jaded enough to resign yourself to the
world's bullshit without complaining".
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
I'd actually watch NASCAR if they raced basic, everyday cars, with all
standard features. It'd be a good advertisement for the car companies too.
	―godamnlochnesmonster, Oct 2016
%
If you Photoshop the basketball out of NBA action shot photographs, it just
looks like a bunch of people in uniforms trying to high five but can't quite
get it right.
	―cjbny, Oct 2014
%
"?!" makes a sound in my head, but I can't describe what it is.
	―Zadder, Aug 2014
%
nothing makes sense, pizzas are round, the boxes we put them in are square and
we eat them as triangles
	―Gamingmancan, Sep 2015
%
Kim K has 64mil Insta followers and gets approx 1mil likes per post. If you
have 100 followers, and get 2 likes per post you're getting a higher
percentage of likes than she is.
	―positivenegativity8, Mar 2016
%
Now Taylor Swift is the one wearing short skirts and high heels instead of
t-shirts and sneakers.
	―Starsy, Oct 2016
%
I'm so internet lazy that when I see a link to YouTube I'm like, "Ugh, you
couldn't have made this a gif?"
	―cantlearnham, Jun 2016
%
I'm mad at Apple dumping the headphones jack not because I plan to buy an iP7
but because I'm afraid others will follow their stupid example
	―pp0000, Sep 2016
%
I want to live in a world where it's possible to listen to YouTube AND lock my
phone
	―DonnyTheBowler, Apr 2015
%
When someone else makes you laugh in your dream, your brain came up with that
joke. Of course you think it's funny.
	―JimmyBroJammas, Jun 2014
%
The world looks at Americans the way we look at texans.
	―Kubrickann, Feb 2015
%
Maybe the placebo effect isn't real and sugar pills are actually very good at
treating a variety of conditions.
	―non_clever_name, Aug 2014
%
Because of my cancer, any room I enter will then usually have an odd number of
testicles present.
	―DancesWithDownvotes, Sep 2014
%
If Elton John dies who the fuck are we going to get to sing at his funeral?
	―BookerGinger, Oct 2014
%
Building a computer is like putting together a really expensive Lego set that
you will eventually use to masturbate
	―McGrizzly, Jul 2016
%
If Breaking Bad took place entirely from Hank's perspective, his discovery
about who Heisenberg really was would have been one of the best TV plot twists
in recent memory.
	―I_AM_TALKING_, Aug 2014
%
The people living in the Renaissance didn't know they were living in the
Renaissance. I wonder what period future historians will call present day.
	―Peekmeister, May 2016
%
Peter Parker made a living selling his selfies to the local newspaper.
	―kerwin144, Jun 2016
%
if you had enough money, you could buy out facebook and just delete it
	―defaultdog, Apr 2016
%
If I were to kill a spider in my Reeses Pieces, I would say, "Rest in Pieces,
Pest in Reeses."
	―Ridankulas, Feb 2014
%
I'll bet that spider's just as pissed as I am that I walked through its web.
	―principled_principal, Aug 2016
%
All the months at the end of year are 'embers' it's like the year is burning
itself out...
	―PhoenixGrey, Sep 2014
%
If I was a musician, I would let Weird Al parody my song under the stipulation
that I be somewhere in the music video, dressed up as a parody of Weird Al
	―schatzski, Apr 2016
%
In the US, taxes are mandatory but voting isn't. People who pay taxes but
don't vote are basically saying, "Here, take my money. Whoever is in charge
can do whatever they want with it."
	―redAMAdit, Mar 2015
%
/r/machineporn will mean something completely different in 100 years.
	―LightBulbInAss, Nov 2015
%
I wonder if any of my ancestors owned one of my dog's ancestors
	―Canucker2017, Sep 2016
%
Watching parkour experts playing tag would be awesome
	―Toxic_Axon, Apr 2016
%
I wonder if I have ever eaten an egg from the same hen twice.
	―rounsivil, Nov 2014
%
If you were to rob a Men's Warehouse with a utility knife, it would be a razor
blade blazer raid.
	―Protsko, Apr 2015
%
The trees cut down to make Jenga blocks are repeatedly forced to relive their
own death.
	―MeowMixSong, Aug 2015
%
If you block me using an adblocker, I don't stop using the adblocker, I just
leave your website.
	―Foulisfair, Sep 2016
%
A heart shape with initials cut into the tree bark means someone went on a
date with a knife.
	―ashley76, Sep 2014
%
Buzz Aldrin's dad once shot a load that made its way to the moon.
	―Unabomber_was_right, Dec 2014
%
You never realize how cluttered your desk is until you spill a glass of water.
	―billythenick, Dec 2015
%
My wife just went back to school which means I'm having sex with a college
girl.
	―steeb2er, Jan 2016
%
Barack Obama's ama should have been titled "obAMA"
	―Worldsbestchandelier, Jan 2014
%
I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me.
	―convoces, Jan 2015
%
120,000,000 Just sat down and watched a group of millionaires throw a ball
around
	―Isixpool, Feb 2015
%
Movie theaters should hold 'adult only' showings of kid films so I, as a 24yo
single male, can enjoy those movies in peace. I would love to see Pixar movies
without a bunch of rowdy children in the theater.
	―popplenrookie, Aug 2015
%
As a kid I was taught to stop, drop, and roll like getting caught on fire
would be a frequent part of my life.
	―GuyWithNoDollars, Oct 2014
%
I just texted myself something to remember it later. I'm so lazy that I sent
data to space, bounced it off a satellite, and got it back rather than picking
up a pencil and writing it down.
	―lma0ik0u, Nov 2015
%
Cars should have two horns: One is a "nice" one, the other is a "mean" one.
	―DDYLK, Jun 2014
%
Having a bath is "downloading" water; having a shower is merely "streaming"
it.
	―mifkin, Oct 2014
%
What if there is no such thing as a placebo effect and sugar pills are a
miracle cure for disease.
	―PlumsNThings, Oct 2015
%
The older I get, the more I understand Britney Spears' 2007 meltdown.
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
The reason why lottery winners often go bankrupt is because all the
financially-responsible people know that lottery tickets are a waste of money.
	―Shinjigetintherobot, Aug 2014
%
Instead of Reddit Gold, I would pay half the price to give someone Reddit Coal
to all the stupid comments I see out there
	―idontbangnomore, Apr 2016
%
Literally nothing is stopping me from finding all the hunting cameras in the
nearby woods and running past each of them at roughly 3 AM on all fours,
wearing a pig mask
	―wrestles_bears, Nov 2014
%
If any great Scientist had died as a child, other scientists would have
eventually made their discoveries. If any great Writer had died as a child, no
one else would ever have written their books.
	―RunDNA, Feb 2015
%
If congressmen and women don't show up to work, then they should not be able
to get paid. Just like everyone else who doesn't show up to work.
	―The_Hambino, Jul 2016
%
There should be an island or neutral country (switzerland) that hosts the
Olympics and re-uses phenomenal facilities for winter and/or summer olympics.
	―Jungleoboe, Aug 2016
%
If a man wears a thong and gets an erection would he give himself a wedgie
	―aidclu06, Dec 2014
%
They should make a realistic expansion for The Sims, where you start off with
a college degree, no house, no job and no money... You just move into your
parents basement at which point the game closes and launches World of
Warcraft.
	―Tarnwyn, Jul 2015
%
There should be a Reddit "shuffle" function to completely switch up your front
page instead of seeing the same posts for hours.
	―heli_elo, Jun 2016
%
Millennials are mocked for getting participation trophies, but Boomers were
the ones handing them out.
	―hillsfar, Aug 2016
%
They should invent some kind of edible tape that you could use for holding
down parts of different foods, like the ends of a burrito.
	―Megamean09, Jul 2016
%
Went to my coffee joint after lunch. No warning they stopped carrying the
healthnut cookies I adore AND they hired a new barista. Dude didn't know what
I wanted and couldn't make it the same way. It occurred to me on my way back
to work that they had deleted my cookies and lost my site preferences!
	―beanofdoom, May 2016
%
I wish I had a USB port in my belly button so I could charge my phone with the
excess calories from beer
	―emerty, Oct 2014
%
Birthday presents are rewards for not dying that year
	―mynameisteenager, Oct 2014
%
People on death row should choose the endless breadsticks from olive garden as
their last meal.
	―Calvino97, Oct 2014
%
We go to coffee shops to drink coffee (a stimulant) to focus and expect a
quiet atmosphere, and we go to taverns and bars to drink alcohol (a
depressant) to socialize and expect a loud atmosphere.
	―smokechaser, Mar 2016
%
The FBI and DOJ saying "just this one iPhone" is the legal equivalent of "just
the tip."
	―gekokujouseikatu, Feb 2016
%
Jimmy John's should open an upscale restaurant chain called James Johnathan's.
	―aRVAthrowaway, Oct 2014
%
I think I take it way too much for granted that the internet's 'primary
language' is English
	―victoryspin, Aug 2016
%
If Snapchat keeps all photos taken and underage people are always getting in
trouble for taking nude selfies on Snapchat, does that make Snapchat the
world's biggest collection of child pornography?
	―DrFoosball, Apr 2015
%
I wonder if Mike Rowe ever asks if someone wants a free microwave and then
just waves at them.
	―Alarang, Jun 2015
%
Movie Theaters sell some the noisiest food you could possibly eat but please,
silence your cell phones so as not to disturb others.
	―arclathe, Dec 2015
%
You have to understand the difference between someone who speaks to you on
their free time and someone who frees their time to speak to you.
	―_LMiller, Jun 2015
%
My wife watches so many cop/murder mystery shows that she could probably kill
me and get away with it.
	―tPTBNL, Jun 2016
%
An "old man" is typically older than an "older man."
	―NPDoc, Jan 2015
%
"True love's kiss" is Disney for "and then they boned."
	―b33tl3juic3, Mar 2015
%
Deaf people will never understand why we all love Morgan Freeman so much.
	―HawX1492, Jun 2015
%
Rick Astley, Green Day, Sum 41, and the Killers Released Music this week. I
don't know what year it is.
	―billingsworld, Oct 2016
%
There is no "i" in team...there is however an "i" in 'win', 'achievement',
'prevail', 'triumph', 'first place', 'gold medalist' and 'champion'.
	―Kosmozoan, Apr 2015
%
How come people don't sing happy birthday to the baby as it's being delivered?
I mean That's their actual birthday.
	―Three_G, Aug 2015
%
Wiz Khalifa's password for everything should be "BlackAndYellow" and the hint
should be "You know what it is."
	―Mike09220, Feb 2015
%
The nsfw tag is the reddit click bait
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
At least three people won the Powerball, I belive that there should only be
one winner. I say we put the three winners into a pit and make them fight
until only survives, we can put it on PPV and call it PowerBrawl...
	―elry09, Jan 2016
%
I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kid's meals are
$250.00
	―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2015
%
If humans showing compassion to animals is called humane, then is dog showing
compassion to humans called doge?
	―birdisaword, Dec 2014
%
Whoever decided that an uppercase 'I' and lowercase 'l' should look exactly
the same on a computer was a sadistic monster.
	―garrettbtm22, Apr 2016
%
Call of Duty releases a marginally similar game each year and is
reviled. Pokemon releases the exact same game every time, which you need to
buy 2 of to get all the pokemon, and is universally beloved.
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
Buzzfeed will make an article on Asian people wearing English words within the
week
	―Diedeck, Jul 2015
%
There should be a Chrome extension that replaces any celebrity news with
scientific facts
	―Atreides27, Sep 2016
%
If deer could speak, the females would say to the males, "Nice rack."
	―ih8legal, Sep 2014
%
Kindergarten is essentially a yearlong ELI5.
	―mhgiantsfan, Mar 2015
%
Someday, someone will be the last person ever born.
	―Unicorn_Ranger, Oct 2015
%
"I'm calling my lawyer" is the adult equivalent of "I'm telling my mom"
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
Being paid minimum wage is like playing life on hard.
	―xX_420_Blz_iT_Xx, Dec 2015
%
Reddit is a bunch of strangers doing posts and discussions you wish your
friends did on facebook.
	―Oddsball, Dec 2014
%
The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep foreigners out, but now
it's what brings foreigners in.
	―Kimbo-Jo, Sep 2015
%
Pets are better than children. They eat less, they don't ask for money, and if
they get pregnant, you can sell their babies.
	―Loudsilences, Jun 2016
%
The fence that encloses the smallest area in the world also encloses the
largest.
	―dreamerluce, Jun 2016
%
Hillary and Bill Clinton should be known collectively as Hillbilly
	―ssrrgg, Apr 2015
%
In school zones I watch my speedometer more than I watch for kids
	―pwebyd90, Nov 2015
%
As a student, $1000 is both almost no money at all, and yet so much money, at
the same time.
	―laminatedlama, Mar 2016
%
When I was in high school, I was jealous of everyone dating a college
student. Then I went to college and met the kind of people who date high
schoolers.
	―KidCudiPeakedAtMOTM, Feb 2016
%
If glasses become sexy, then having bad eyesight will make you more likely to
reproduce. We will be reversing evolution.
	―CrazyLlama1950, Jan 2015
%
People aren't getting dumber - tech is allowing their stupidity to be heard
	―hogiewan, Mar 2016
%
The phrase "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it,
does it make a sound?" Is a great example of humanity's over-inflated sense of
importance.
	―SynopticOutlander, May 2016
%
The fact that we are consious minds in a skeleton covered in meat, living on
an organic spaceship filled with molten iron orbiting a perpetual nuclear
explosion that is billions of years old is the most beautiful, mystical and
metal thing I have ever heard.
	―AnonymousAutonomous, Jan 2016
%
South Park usually reports the news in a more unbiased and accurate way than
most news stations
	―Shail4221, Oct 2016
%
If you have to convert others to your religion in order to go to heaven, it is
a pyramid scheme.
	―fuzzyfuzzler, Jul 2014
%
It would be ironic if in 2020 we elect a blind president.
	―Jatipi, Aug 2014
%
I have probably missed out on tons of otherwise great porn clips just because
the thumbnail didnt look good enough to click on...
	―surfingjesus, Aug 2015
%
There needs to be a fire detector that turns off when you yell "I'm just
cooking".
	―StarStatic, Sep 2015
%
The food network should make a cooking show where chefs go into strangers
homes and have to make the best dish possible with the available ingredients.
	―majortomhanks, Jun 2016
%
If Professor Xavier ever tried to read Deadpool's mind, could he potentially
break the fourth wall accidentally? Therefore discovering our world?
	―MrMonster91, Jul 2014
%
Being KO is pretty much the opposite of being OK.
	―theonlyVi, Aug 2014
%
Growing up in the 90s, I assumed African killer bees were going to be
something I'd have to worry about on a daily basis.
	―hoobityboobities, Jul 2016
%
My Reddit goal is to have a friend share a post of mine and not know it was
submitted by me.
	―TheRetroVideogamers, Aug 2016
%
I would like to see Gordon Ramsay sing for Simon Cowell, and Simon Cowell to
cook for Gordon Ramsay. No cuts, no edits.
	―OPS_HORNY__MOM, Nov 2015
%
HBO should buy the rights to Harry Potter and make a series where every season
is based around one book.
	―ftwin, Jun 2016
%
Every survey is skewed towards people willing to participate in surveys.
	―CapitalistMarxist, Jun 2015
%
Bedtime is so metal. I'm currently brushing the exposed bits of my skeleton so
they don't get destroyed by tiny creatures in my sleep, then I'll turn off all
the lights and lie in the silent dark for 8 hours.
	―1tsNeverLupus, Jul 2016
%
It took me way too long to realize that Liam is short for William
	―mrsaturdaypants, Feb 2016
%
A condom wrapper is packaging for your package's packaging
	―Kugablah, May 2016
%
Considering the 1000's of times I've done it, I still don't know were to put
my arms when I go to sleep
	―meurl, Sep 2016
%
If Hermoine Granger and Sherlock Holmes had a child together, it would be the
single most dangerous literary character to ever exist.
	―Musical_Muze, Sep 2016
%
Fat people may actually be able to run away from their problems.
	―Iplaymeinreallife, Sep 2014
%
I've survived everything I've ever done.
	―notimeleftinMelbs, Nov 2014
%
After dating a girl with huge boobs the past few months, now my first thought
when I see a woman with huge boobs isn't "sweet", it's "man her back and
shoulders must be killing her"
	―cinnister, Jul 2015
%
"McDonald's has the best mayonaise" is the single fattest thought I've ever
had.
	―HeisenbergTheKing, Mar 2016
%
Apple has become the anthesis of their famous 1984 campaign.
	―theshoopiandude, Jan 2015
%
I have a feeling that Bruce Wayne would be better at fixing Gotham than
Batman. Batman spends hours a day punching college dropouts when Bruce Wayne
could create jobs by building the infrastructure that Gotham desperately needs
and funding major job training initiatives.
	―TheNerdyNegro, Aug 2015
%
Time machines need to be teleportation machines also because otherwise you'll
end up in the middle of space while the earth has orbited somewhere else
entirely.
	―evictor, Mar 2016
%
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a
sign that reads, "Voted best psychic of 2016!"
	―_perspicacious, Feb 2015
%
An NBA player being fined $25,000 is the equivalent of me being fined $4.60
based on my own net worth.
	―commuterboy, Jun 2016
%
If a woman climaxes fast the man sees it as a compliment. If a man climaxes
fast it is seen as. a shameful joke.
	―_Buff_Drinklots_, Jul 2016
%
Someday there will be a TIL post about how the word "clockwise" came from
mechanical clocks that used gears to spin arms around to show time.
	―Thewes6, Nov 2013
%
Knocking on the door of an introvert is like tapping on the glass of a fish
tank
	―ajcunningham55, Apr 2016
%
I gave up on Facebook for Reddit. Instead of a steady feed of nonsense that I
don't want to read from people I know, I get a steady feed of stuff I do want
to read from strangers.
	―weirdmountain, Sep 2015
%
"shitpost" is an anagram of "stop this"
	―quickhakker, Dec 2015
%
Today's date is 100/1000/10000 in binary.
	―AnObsessedRedditor, Aug 2016
%
I don't hit the snooze button to get a few more minutes of sleep. I hit the
snooze button hoping in the next few minutes, something happens so I don't
have to go to work.
	―itsoutthere, Oct 2016
%
When I was young, I couldn't use the phone when I was on the internet. Now I
can't can't use the phone unless my internet is on.
	―analogWeapon, Oct 2014
%
In Disney movies, a duet is the equivalent to a sex scene
	―JizzAss, Nov 2014
%
Your car keys have more mileage than your car.
	―rollingsweetpotato, Jul 2014
%
Using Internet Explorer to download Chrome is like the mob making people dig
their own grave
	―Ironicopinion, Nov 2014
%
Saying "We invented _____" When talking about an invention which originated in
your country is the same as taking credit for a group project you didn't help
at all in.
	―JustHarmony, Sep 2015
%
I bet Dog Heaven is located directly underneath Toddlers Eating Messily At A
Table Heaven.
	―drewpdoane, Dec 2015
%
Santa likes rich kids way more than poor kids.
	―jetrii, Dec 2015
%
School prepares you more for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" than it does for
everyday life
	―ThePopcornDude, Oct 2016
%
It occurred to me today while lying in bed and not wanting to get up, that one
day I literally won't be able to get up and I'll look back at this moment and
wish I could go back in time and just get up and enjoy life. So I got up. I
genuinely felt like I'd sort of cracked time travel in that moment.
	―supa_d, Oct 2016
%
They should make "Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2" with Matthew Broderick as a
middle-aged white collar worker playing hooky from work
	―spaceandtime99, May 2015
%
College is just the most expensive book club.
	―MarcRanucc, Apr 2014
%
Riding in a cop car after being arrested is the exact opposite of the Cash
Cab. The flashing lights are on the outside, you know the answers but don't
want to say, they take you somewhere you don't want to go, and they take your
cash at the end.
	―MyWorkThrowawayShhhh, Sep 2014
%
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles
in your area that watched Suits for the past 11 hours."
	―PaperkutRob, May 2014
%
My parents say that video games are a waste of money , even though they have a
cabinet full of expensive plates nobody is ever allowed use .
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
every breath I take resets my 5 minute death timer
	―razz13, Aug 2016
%
Being polite is so rare these days that its often confused with flirting.
	―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016
%
Does Medusa have pubes, and if so, are they snakes too?
	―GruntingButtNugget, Jan 2014
%
When we hear the hispanic soccer chat, "Olé Olé Olé Olé," the French hear,
"With milk, with milk, with milk with milk!"
	―willpac828, Sep 2014
%
North Korea will never have an Ebola case, another thing that makes it Best
Korea
	―bouncehouse45, Oct 2014
%
The bigger the "Download" button, the less likely it's the button you're
looking for.
	―ghalt77, Sep 2015
%
Who the hell figured out how butterflies work? Was there just someone randomly
in the right place at the right time, or was someone deliberately following a
caterpillar around like "this bug is up to something cool and I know it."
	―wrestles_bears, Oct 2015
%
Pizza is a pie chart that updates in real time showing how much pizza you have
left.
	―vickrose, Sep 2014
%
Snapchat should have a day where facial effects aren't sent along with the
photo. So people everywhere will just receive photos of their friends with
their mouths open and making weird poses.
	―Dani_metal, May 2016
%
People who use Imgur but not Reddit ("Imgurians") are like rat people who live
in the sewer and insist that it is far better than the city above.
	―ggez247, Aug 2016
%
When I see blue jeans, I don't see them as "blue". I just see then as jeans, a
neutral pair of pants that can go with darn near anything.
	―IAmAnOutsider, Mar 2016
%
The opposite of "Netflix and Chill" is "Steam and Loneliness"
	―WorstHumanNA, Oct 2015
%
People fight each other to the death over what happens when we die.
	―ribbitribbitrabbit, Jun 2015
%
Every time you receive an up vote, a real person has liked what you said. Even
20 up votes is a lot of people to liked it.
	―nusclothing, Sep 2014
%
If humans didn't wear clothing, we'd all be in better shape.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
You are hearing this sentence with your eyes.
	―dum-mud, May 2016
%
My goal in life is to become famous enough to the point where if someone kills
me, I'm considered 'assassinated', and not 'murdered'.
	―sanji-senpai, Jul 2016
%
Public restrooms should put whiteboards in the stalls to discourage permanent
graffiti and give people something to do while they do their business.
	―Talvanen, Apr 2014
%
When I was younger I used to look at older employees at fast food places and
think how embarrassing they're working here. Now that I'm older, I admire them
for taking on a job for the better of their families despite the public notion
surrounding working at a fast food place.
	―sarahdempsey1993, Jun 2016
%
You know you're getting old when MILF porn looks like regular women.
	―Pashza, Nov 2014
%
I don't have a headache. Thank goodness. You know, I never really appreciate
not having a headache until I actually have a headache, so I should probably
enjoy this moment
	―Yuli-Ban, Aug 2016
%
I wish I could see a slow-mo replay of all the times I unknowingly almost died
	―Land-Stander, Sep 2016
%
ea is like 69 for little people
	―CIgay, Jul 2014
%
I wonder if the Queen of England has ever eaten a burrito
	―mnemoniker, Jul 2014
%
/r/all should have three settings: nsfw off, nsfw on and nsfw only.
	―Goodly, Feb 2016
%
I used to be a man in a woman's body.
	―Peefy, Jul 2014
%
I wonder which testicle my kid came from
	―shit_load_of_piss, Feb 2015
%
Knowing which of my class mates went on to become police officers, I'm not
very surprised that the US has a problem with the police.
	―torcsandantlers, Nov 2015
%
As a married man, NSFW in my mind means Not Safe For Wife.
	―Tango_777, Feb 2016
%
Usain Bolt, has had less than 5 and a half minutes of "game time" in his whole
Olympic career. About the same as injury time added to the average football
game.
	―misinterpreddit, Aug 2016
%
99% of fixing someone's tech issues is just being better at Google.
	―drain65, Jul 2015
%
To deaf people, cats vibrate when happy.
	―capable_basilisk, Aug 2014
%
I wonder how much of Netflix's bandwidth is used by unconscious people.
	―MrConfucius, Apr 2014
%
If North Korea were human, it would be a teenager. It can't feed itself and
makes loud threats that it never delivers on.
	―The_Rolling_Stone, Aug 2015
%
Statistically, quite a few of the people reading this while getting ready to
leave for work won't ever make it home again.
	―cookiecutter, Sep 2015
%
For a cigarette-smoker a "smoke break" is smoking and for a pothead a "smoke
break" is NOT smoking
	―blacklantern135, Oct 2015
%
My biggest fear is that when creating a password I will accidentally type one
letter wrong and then do the same thing in the "confirm password" box and I
will never be able to sign in to my account
	―saarahpops, Nov 2015
%
I'm kinda glad Reddit has pulled me completely away from Facebook
	―[deleted], Jun 2015
%
If you lose a leg you will then have twice as many socks as before.
	―HarmonGorillaz, Oct 2015
%
When parents get a divorce, they should have to switch houses every week so
the kids don't have to.
	―dandkim, Sep 2014
%
I haven't read a shampoo bottle since I got my first smartphone.
	―gravybabies, Oct 2015
%
Since my wife died, I rarely speak out loud in my house. I wonder if my cats
forgot what their names are.
	―Llama_Loogie, Mar 2015
%
Every Jurassic Park film I am disappointed the Universal Logo isn't an ancient
version of the earth's continents.
	―LazerAttack4242, Jun 2015
%
Snoop Dogg would be the leader of the grass type gym.
	―Comescus, Jul 2015
%
Putting "Pick up girls" in my calendar as a 35 year old father has a
completely different meaning than it did 15 years ago.
	―Viking042900, Mar 2016
%
Redditors seem decently informed until you stumble upon a thread you actually
know something about
	―Marc_My_Words, Mar 2016
%
[NSFW] A good name for an anal porn star would be * because it looks like a
butt hole and is pronounced like "ass tricks."
	―notasiansteev, Dec 2014
%
PETA seems like an elaborate ruse by the meat industry to make vegans look
like lunatics.
	―ladadadas, Jun 2015
%
The slowest way to die is to live.
	―Earthwire, May 2015
%
When I buy a lottery ticket, I'm really just buying 20 seconds of fantasizing
how my life would change for the better.
	―urko37, Aug 2015
%
It feels like Morgan Freeman has been old my whole life.
	―iwantartmoney, Aug 2016
%
Google Earth is good for finding out which of your neighbors has a pool
	―wtb2612, Apr 2014
%
The two musicians who have said the word "what?" the most are probably Lil'
Jon and Beethoven.
	―omlet_du_fromage, Apr 2014
%
If you started a cover band called "A Book" no one could judge you.
	―teerad1344, Jun 2014
%
If you say you are in the top five, you are either fourth of fifth, otherwise
you'd be in the top three.
	―jtlarousse, Jan 2016
%
If you think the delay for the next Game of Thrones book is bad, I've been
waiting 17 years for Mambo # 6
	―Reign_Wilson, Jul 2016
%
Jack really dodged a bullet by not eating those beans.
	―Lenzee100, Jul 2016
%
Nobody ever sneezes or stutters in a movie unless it's part of their character
or beneficial to the plot.
	―theslothoverlord, Dec 2015
%
r/creepy should continue to show up on your front page even after you've
unsubscribed
	―cdd_, Apr 2016
%
At any given moment it is entirely possible that I have already triggered the
chain of events that ultimately leads to my death.
	―Blurringallthelines, Mar 2016
%
The next season of Archer should have it where everyone confuses them with the
terrorist group ISIS
	―mattdell96, Sep 2014
%
The new Coke machines with the 100+ flavors should have a random button.
	―Aezoph, Sep 2014
%
"No means no" should also apply when I ask her if anything is wrong.
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
The Olympics would be so much better if YouTube or Netflix had the rights to
stream them
	―NISCBTFM, Aug 2016
%
If kids can stay on their parent insurance until 26, parents should be able to
go their kids insurance at 65. Social Security and Medicare problem solved.
	―Brain_Beam, Apr 2015
%
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was
a winner.
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
If your replace the "w" in "when" "what" and "where" with a "t" you answer the
questions
	―LazerBinky, Sep 2016
%
Minivans have sliding doors so children don't open them into other cars.
	―Catifan, Feb 2014
%
Instead of tear gas, police should employ THC cannisters during a riot and
push multiple free snack carts in outward directions to disperse rioters and
dissuade them from destruction.
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
What if drug cartels are comprised exclusively of undercover DEA agents who
don't know about each other?
	―justwondrin, Jun 2014
%
I don't smoke cigarettes in my car or apartment because it's disgusting. I
have more respect for my property than I do for my body.
	―Washintonian, Jun 2015
%
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be
like, "Samsung has had this feature for years".
	―krazzzzykarl, Sep 2016
%
They should censor female nipples with male nipples since male nipples are
apparently ok to show in media.
	―LASuperdome, Mar 2015
%
Dogs understand more words in our language than we do in theirs.
	―Brown_Nose_Bear, Sep 2014
%
If your front door has a mail slot, then you live in a mailbox.
	―UCFSam, Oct 2014
%
Most of my clothes have been to countries that I have not.
	―zerophaze, May 2014
%
It's super ironic to read 'Fahrenheit 451' on a Kindle.
	―Fred6567, Aug 2014
%
Giving someone a heater as a house warming gift is a literal house warming
gift.
	―GenericReditUserName, Oct 2016
%
Instead of 15 second commercials that can be skipped after 5 seconds, YouTube
should just use 6 second commercials. Vine has proved that is enough time to
get a full thought across.
	―bittenbarman, Dec 2015
%
When using Snapchat, there should be the option to add an NSFW tag to a snap
so people don't open it in public.
	―OmegaTigBitties, Jun 2015
%
John Cena is the new Rick Astley.
	―SpartanDoubleZero, Sep 2015
%
One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years
later and tell you you’re the mom.
	―James_linker, Jul 2016
%
Zero is plural, but 1 is singular. (0 Comments, 1 Comment)
	―[deleted], Apr 2014
%
"Free WiFi" is the new "Color TV" for Motels.
	―Organic_Mechanic, Jul 2014
%
We should change LOL to NE (nose exhale) because that's all we really do when
we see something funny online.
	―Targe23, Apr 2015
%
George R.R. Martin could write sex scenes for any actor he wants to see naked
in the show.
	―seagulls51, Jan 2016
%
Most people can eat the same breakfast weeks in a row, without complaint. But
the same dinner for weeks? Now, that's just insanity.
	―roessera, Feb 2014
%
Starbucks should have a line for everybody who wants their venti triple
half-caf soy mochas with no whip, and separate line for people who want a cup
of coffee.
	―dick-nipples, Dec 2014
%
"No Man's Land" is a great name for a lesbian bar
	―mcalis2, Jan 2016
%
Tomorrow is the last sequential date of the century - ending an 11-year
run. 12/13/14. The first being 01/02/03. Many of us may never see a date like
this again in our lifetimes.
	―Kdottdotv, Dec 2014
%
I've had religious people knock on my door encouraging me to be religious, but
never have I had a homosexual knock on my door to encourage me to be
homosexual.
	―darkon, May 2015
%
People who actually have Celiac disease must be grateful for all the
fakers... they now have 10x more products to choose from
	―emzmurcko, Nov 2015
%
Your social status determines if you are either murdered or assassinated.
	―Stew02, Jul 2016
%
Even when Reddit's servers are down, I can procrastinate my homework by
refreshing the page to see if its up yet.
	―icrispyKing, Dec 2015
%
"Please try again in a few minutes." Okay, 2 seconds it is.
	―jang808, Oct 2016
%
Self checkout should include an employee discount.
	―itsDANdeeMAN, Jun 2014
%
Some Subway executive once thought: "Michael Phelps smoked pot? No, we want a
nice wholesome image. Stick with that Jared fellow."
	―murse_joe, Aug 2016
%
Netflix really needs a never fucking suggest this again option.
	―CoconutWally, Dec 2014
%
The Coca Cola logo is actually a really generic logo that became unique by
pretty much not giving a fuck about logo design for 129 years.
	―Anthony_Padildo, Nov 2015
%
They say murdering small animals is an early warning sign of a serial
killer. Luke Skywalker used to bullseye womp rats with his T-16 back
home. There is something wrong in the Skywalker gene pool.
	―s1ugg0, Mar 2016
%
Yelling at someone is basically like saying, "Here's my stress. It's all yours
now."
	―jonesn84, Jun 2016
%
As a kid I hated getting grounded, now I get upset when I have to leave the
house
	―jamditis, Feb 2016
%
You use a ladle to get broth, and a brothel to get laid.
	―montana_man, Mar 2015
%
Maybe children's medicine tastes so horrible because they don't want kids to
OD.
	―turtle_pancakes, Dec 2014
%
A person doesn't become homeless just because they lose all their money, but
also because they lost all their friends.
	―Paranoid4ndroid, Jan 2016
%
The golden snitch is describe as "damn near impossible to see", so they give a
kid with glasses the job of catching it.
	―staticbobblehead, Nov 2014
%
No two people can ever go to each others' funerals.
	―notpiercebrosnan, Aug 2014
%
Reddit is like reverse high school. The nerds are all cool and the girls are
made fun of non stop.
	―SloanethePornGal, Apr 2015
%
Instead of telling people to stop making memes, the Cincinnati Zoo should tell
people to post their favorite photos of Harambe using the hashtag
#picsoutforharambe.
	―TheTrueFlexKavana, Aug 2016
%
The use of birth control by responsible people is slowly replacing the human
race with irresponsible people who get pregnant unintentionally.
	―WhiteGiant, Jul 2014
%
In Spongebob Squarepants, barnacles is used like a curse word. That means
Barnacle Boy is like Fuck Boy or something.
	―SirButthat, Dec 2014
%
In order for Bill Gates to get the same sensation of the me finding a twenty
dollar bill in my pocket, Bill would have to find 15.2 million dollars in his
pocket.
	―appa25, Sep 2014
%
Pizzas are eaten from the center outwards. Weird.
	―NomadicWisdom, Dec 2014
%
At some point you stop wiping and say "Fuck it, that's as clean as my ass is
going to get today"
	―BlazeBro420, Sep 2015
%
At 27.44mph top speed, it is illegal for Usain Bolt to run in a school zone.
	―Bodybuilder-Vince, Sep 2016
%
Why do "open minded" people get mad at "close minded" people? Shouldn't they
be a little more open minded to a closed mind?
	―jmrambo, Oct 2016
%
If it is "never too late" to start something. Then why start today?
	―Coercive_Host, May 2016
%
If the Civilization series reaches its 104th game, it would be called Civ CIV.
	―Cadu1507, Apr 2014
%
I spend 1% of the time feeling confident and the other 99% trying to figure
out how to get that feeling back.
	―Third_Redditor_Ever, Aug 2016
%
" I never sucked his dick" can have 5 different meanings, depending on which
word you stress
	―[deleted], Sep 2014
%
Reddit is only one site, but when it's down it feels like the Internet is
broken.
	―Nulono, May 2015
%
It takes a whole ocean and the moon to erase my mere footstep on the sand
	―[deleted], Jun 2014
%
"iPod!" Is exactly the same upsidedown
	―TitanicMan, Jan 2016
%
If Kanye West became President. You could find the first lady on pornhub.
	―StoryOfPinocchio, Dec 2015
%
I would rather use a dirty towel that I've used a hundred times before than
use someone else's towel that they've only used once.
	―productiveredditor_, Aug 2016
%
Porn sites should enable sorting by the number of people who left the website
after watching the video.
	―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016
%
When I was a little boy women would always say "You're going to grow up to
break a lot of hearts" as a compliment. That's... kind of messed up isn't it?
	―butbabyyoureadorable, Jul 2015
%
If the big religions of the world started out today, they would just be passed
off as cults and laughed at.
	―skoomaaddict85, Feb 2016
%
Road head will become so much more popular with self-driving cars.
	―amkamins, Dec 2014
%
The Google self-driving car should have an “I’m Feeling Lucky” button that
drives you to a random location.
	―krishnakrisha, Oct 2016
%
The sun has a 100% chance of rising tomorrow, thanks to the definition of the
word "tomorrow". If the sun didn't rise tomorrow, then it wouldn't be
tomorrow.
	―flyncx, May 2015
%
Having sex with a horse is legal in more states than smoking Marijuana. God
bless America.
	―ascatraz, Aug 2016
%
Every time I watch a mountain climbing documentary, all I can think is how the
true star is the cameraman.
	―e-JackOlantern, Oct 2016
%
Each subreddit should have a dial I can turn up or down, depending how much
content I want on my front page from that subreddit.
	―bobz72, Apr 2016
%
After living with my girlfriend for a few years now, I completely understand
why every male retirement activity - golf, tennis, fishing, etc. - is done in
silence.
	―mhks, Apr 2016
%
If 0 is a number, then I have had sex with Emma Watson a number of times.
	―PickleMaster69, Sep 2014
%
Based on genital structure men should really be the ones wearing skirts and
women should be wearing pants.
	―protnow, Nov 2015
%
Vampires don't like sunlight but moonlight is actually also sunlight
	―B3yondL, Mar 2016
%
About 50% of marriages end in divorce, but the other 50% end in death
	―ThatRedPanda11, Sep 2014
%
When you donate blood, it will flow in someone else's boner.
	―GallowBoob, Oct 2014
%
"Be Like Bill" meme was about not being annoyed by things online. The "Be Like
Bill" meme maker is making the rounds now and it's making people be really
annoying online.
	―Phingaz, Jan 2016
%
They should make it so if you lose your phone on vibrate you can call your
number, enter a code, and it turns the ringer volume on so you can find it
	―megalameusername, Apr 2015
%
on April fools day, PornHub should change the mute button to a full-volume
button
	―Soli--Noid, Jan 2016
%
Now that pretty much everyone has a digital camera in his pocket, the amount
of UFO footage decreased radically.
	―bahbuhbah, Aug 2016
%
Buzzfeed must be having a hard time finding new content since Reddit is
currently overtaken with 'fat' posts.
	―IAMA-Dragoness-AMA, Jun 2015
%
They should change the word "Gunman" to "Jackass". The news would sound so
much better. "Police cornered the jackass after a long standoff."
	―daspelirrojo, Nov 2015
%
No matter how big a number is it is always closer to zero than infinity.
	―Wase_Chilson, Nov 2015
%
After having diarrhoea for a few days it feels awesome to be able to fart with
confidence again.
	―Hairy_Cheeks, Oct 2016
%
I feel so stupid. It just clicked. "Ray-Bans" ban the sun's rays from your
eyes... 28 years.....
	―doctorwaiter, Sep 2014
%
There should be a part in an actors imdb page that says most confused with.
	―MrShago, Oct 2014
%
I wonder if I've ever eaten a crab that was caught on TV.
	―Rhino200, Jul 2014
%
Reddit turned me into a hipster. People "hey did you see that thing on the
news?" Me "yea I saw it before you on reddit"
	―Denvermax31, Apr 2015
%
If I put a wool sweater on my dog, I will have created a wolf in sheep's
clothing.
	―DarthRiko, Apr 2016
%
As a child "the BFG" always meant "the Big Friendly Giant". Then Doom came
along. Ever since it's been "the Big Fucking Gun".
	―Kaankaants, Jul 2016
%
The phrase "left to our own devices" has taken on a literal meaning in the
21st century.
	―UmamiDearest, Jul 2014
%
Whoever came up with the term 'Ex-fiancées' really missed the opportunity to
call them 'Near-Mrs'
	―adamkk, May 2015
%
What if the Big Bang was caused by a previous civilizations experiments with a
Large Hadron Collider and we are destined to repeat it.
	―punchdrunkskunk, Feb 2015
%
If the Mayans had predicted December 2016 instead of 2012 as the end of the
world, it would look pretty darn convincing at this point.
	―ReachTheSky, Jul 2016
%
I'm so single that if a random girl approaches and shows interest in me, I
would wonder if it's a social experiment
	―dejavu619, Jul 2016
%
To be called inconsistent, you have to be consistently inconsistent. Making
you consistent.
	―P_apps, Sep 2014
%
You're too big to ride the dog by the time you're smart enough to think to
ride the dog.
	―puppieseverywhere, Apr 2014
%
What if dogs are scared of thunder because they think it's the bark of a more
dominant dog
	―mrweefee, Jul 2016
%
Being fat is a problem that you can literally run away from.
	―Danielthegreat1, Jan 2015
%
Young girls wear makeup to look like the older girls who wear makeup to look
younger
	―raidite, Aug 2016
%
Kevin Spacey gets paid more to pretend to be a politician than real ones get
paid to run the country.
	―Yiazmad, Feb 2014
%
I'm trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the
day.
	―chillyhellion, Mar 2015
%
Animated GIFs have revived silent film.
	―RollRoundInTheToilet, Oct 2014
%
The mods of /r/radiohead should be called "Karma Police"
	―con42scientist, Mar 2014
%
Reddit is a lot like high school.. I sit at home thinking of clever things to
say so people think I'm cool
	―Dinomight3, Sep 2014
%
My friend who's a professional psychic doesn't seem to know that I think her
career is bullshit.
	―Air_Hellair, Jul 2015
%
4chan showed how dumb people can be when they're anonymous, Facebook showed
how dumb people can be when their identity is completely public
	―DylanTBest123, Sep 2015
%
The "twen" in twenty is just two and ten combined.
	―JTTTdude, Sep 2015
%
Your age is just the number of laps you've done around a giant fireball in the
center of the solar system.
	―bluetorpedo2, Oct 2015
%
A group of kids should be called a migraine.
	―Elkithis, Oct 2015
%
There are no Sour Patch Adults because we eat them all when they're kids.
	―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2016
%
Being a worm must be awesome. It's like "man, that dirt was great, I wish
there was more." And there always is.
	―cheese1102, Jun 2015
%
If Money = Power, then Jewels = Joules
	―Mathgeek007, Jul 2015
%
A buttload of underwear is exactly one pair
	―Chaoticfrenchfry, Aug 2016
%
The future will look futuristic only because we will be trying to make it look
futuristic.
	―CyanOyster, Aug 2014
%
Sports are mostly about people trying to stop each other from completing very
simple tasks.
	―notfromkentohio, Jun 2016
%
If I marry a girl I meet on tinder, there's a good chance that the first time
I saw my wife was when I was taking a dump.
	―jbear0516, Sep 2015
%
What if Bob Ross was a serial killer, & he painted the landscapes of where
he hid the bodies.
	―Tbkx, Oct 2014
%
I wonder how many imaginary arguments I've lost in other people's minds.
	―d6t20, May 2015
%
I wonder if Slash insists on being the top hat every single time he plays
Monopoly...
	―SpookyGeek, Jul 2014
%
Japan was like the Leeroy Jenkins of WWII
	―forgot_login, Oct 2014
%
As far as my penis knows I'm getting laid 2-3 times a day.
	―thatswhatyized, Dec 2014
%
History classes are only going to get longer and harder as time goes on.
	―RealDirtyDan, Sep 2013
%
We never actually see a Full Moon. It's only ever a half-moon.
	―Gingerninja1324, Aug 2015
%
Now that I'm older, I have a hard time answering "what do you want for your
birthday?". The things I really want are not capable of being gifted.
	―padawan117, Oct 2015
%
If someone was reading a book titled, "It's Called A Book," and someone asked
them what they were reading, the response would make them seem like a total
asshole.
	―Holyhell123, Dec 2015
%
Can orphans watch PG films?
	―IrnBruManiac, Nov 2014
%
It's ironic that people usually show their driver licenses to buy alcohol.
	―tehfrog729, Jan 2016
%
Somebody probably has died the same night they didn't send that chain mail to
10 other people.
	―machvelli, Aug 2014
%
Colored salt would make it a lot easier to tell how much you're putting on
food.
	―bebob10, Oct 2014
%
Every time Wolverine retracts his claws after a kill, he's pulling bloodborne
pathogens directly into his body. If it weren't for his mutant healing, he'd
have full-blown AIDS by now.
	―kellenbrent, Mar 2015
%
I used to think setting a passcode was to keep strangers out of your phone,
but really it's to keep your friends out.
	―sammylp250, Dec 2015
%
When you order food at a restaurant, you always start your order with a
drink. At a fast food joint, you always end your order with a drink.
	―_GIROUXsalem, Jul 2016
%
If the oldest person on earth is 116 years old, then 117 years ago, there was
a completely different set of human beings on earth.
	―LordofSloths, Jun 2013
%
"Immaculate conception" means "holy fuck."
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
In video games, you gain XP from success. In real life, you gain XP from
failure.
	―porygon93, Apr 2016
%
If you made French toast out of a hot dog bun, you could lay a banana inside
and eat it like a breakfast hot dog
	―Lovebot_AI, Aug 2016
%
Today on 11/11, Europeans and Americans don't confuse each other about what
date it is.
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
Humans have shit all over Jalapeños' defense mechanism by turning their
defense into cuisine.
	―cosarccos, May 2016
%
I feel like being both a procrastinator and suicidal kinda just works itself
out
	―travis01564, Jul 2016
%
Isn't "The pen is mightier than the sword." a little out dated. Shouldn't it
be "The byte is quicker than the bullet."
	―xBDJ, Mar 2015
%
The number of people older than you will never increase, but it is constantly
decreasing.
	―IHaveNoUsernaemIdeas, Jul 2016
%
If zombies do not attack each other then zombies would be more peaceful
towards each other then what humans are towards other humans so maybe zombies
are not that bad after all...
	―claw_eye, Mar 2016
%
They say laziness makes you fat, but being too lazy to prepare food has been a
big reason for me being underweight for years.
	―altermode, Jun 2016
%
The biggest joke of SpongeBob is that he works at a fast-food place and can
afford a house.
	―smatef, Oct 2016
%
For the new Star Wars film, I want a major character to die from being shot by
a stormtrooper.
	―Sinai, Dec 2014
%
A baby centaur would have a bottom half that could run almost immediately
after birth and a sloppy top half that's neck couldn't support its own head.
	―cwryan, Jul 2015
%
smoking out of a bong is one of the few singular activities that involves
water, earth, wind, AND fire
	―fezbeast, Sep 2014
%
When the inventor of the USB stick dies, they will lower the coffin, then
bring it back up, turn it around, then lower it again.
	―aajw98, Jun 2015
%
Op can finally get married
	―camdeno100, Jun 2015
%
If you start screaming on a cruise ship, everyone will think you're
crazy.. But if you start screaming on an airplane, everyone joins in.
	―IHopeICanEditThis, May 2015
%
A book with 100 pages only has 50 pages.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
Marijuana gets less and less illegal as you smoke it.
	―WhatInSe7enHells, Sep 2015
%
Ted Mosby of "How I Met Your Mother" has no problem giving intimate details of
his sexual history to his children, yet refuses to admit to them that he used
to smoke weed.
	―PM-me-yur-nice-smile, Jan 2016
%
The phrase "youth is wasted on the young" should be changed to "wealth is
wasted on the old."
	―squidravioli, Jun 2015
%
If you push 99 on the microwave, it runs for 99 seconds, but if you push 100,
it only runs for 60.
	―dirac496, Dec 2014
%
Ice cubes float in a pool of their own blood.
	―ilovecaptcha, Jan 2015
%
I hope science never figures out how to make dogs talk. If my dog ever learns
to talk, everyone will know my deepest darkest secrets in exchange for a slice
of cheese or something.
	―Ghostorex, Mar 2015
%
The problem of slow walking people blocking everyone else will never disappear
since the ones causing the problem are the only ones not affected by it
	―boludolof, Apr 2016
%
We left the decision on the future of the United Kingdom with the same people
who came up with Boaty McBoatface.
	―Dudleyshwam, Jun 2016
%
Can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that the two most revered
scientists in the world today are a Black man and a quadriplegic man? The
world still has its problems, but that's pretty damn cool.
	―themightyheptagon, Aug 2015
%
Everyone knowing the joke "Netflix and Chill", is making it extremely
difficult for me to Netflix and chill.
	―IDrewTheDuckBlue, Dec 2015
%
In an ideal world we would never hear the words "in an ideal world"
	―Stalemate9, Jul 2016
%
Whenever you sneak or hide in a video game, the computer notices you, tells
the enemy AI and Mobs where you are and then forbids them from interacting
with you.
	―LandmineFrisbee, Mar 2015
%
In another ten years "My car is manual" will mean it has a steering wheel.
	―BecauseItWasThere, Oct 2015
%
Keith Urban is a terrible name for a country music singer.
	―execon, Jun 2014
%
If my driver's license expires, shouldn't it still be valid to use as an ID?
It's not like I all-of-the-sudden stopped being me.
	―chaddgar, Sep 2015
%
If sleeping is that important then why the fuck does school have to be so
early?
	―esean_keni, Oct 2016
%
By having sex, you are continuing your family's oldest tradition.
	―NuclearZombiePancake, Apr 2015
%
Are Medusa's leg hairs tiny snakes?
	―Achooah, Jul 2015
%
Females are the most advanced 3d printers ever
	―flappy_cows, Jan 2015
%
Today I turn 23. Since 23 is a prime number, I'm literally in the prime of my
youth.
	―ConstantlyTodash, Jul 2015
%
I like how the term “as f*ck” is a common unit of measurement.
	―CruiseWeld, Dec 2015
%
If I throw around large amounts of shredded bread on public property, my
proximity to ducks determines whether or not I'm littering.
	―gogoALLthegadgets, Aug 2013
%
If you ever get stranded on an island there should be a certain "SOS" pattern
that you can make that will automatically be detected by a satellite system
that's constantly searching for these patterns. You will eventually be found
if the system is constantly scanning the world.
	―jonalexher, Sep 2015
%
Tesla/Edison would be an incredible band name for an AC/DC cover band.
	―BoardPanda, Nov 2015
%
If there are psychics, they're probably not wasting their talent working as
psychics.
	―50missioncap, May 2014
%
I cannot wait until a dental hygienist needs MY help with a computer. "Now,
you know you haven't been backing up your data as frequently as you should,
right?"
	―Thefiveboxingwizards, Dec 2015
%
The cost of cell phones has really ruined the hilarity of pushing your friends
into the pool.
	―Jklein6001, May 2016
%
There exists an area so unfathomably large that humans refer to it simply as
"space"
	―TheGoldenLance, Oct 2014
%
If you're only defense for an argument is, "I have a right to my opinion,"
you're probably wrong.
	―Mewing_Raven, Aug 2016
%
In 2015, Back to the Future 2 will have to change its genre from a future film
to an alternate history film.
	―[deleted], May 2014
%
If the zoo tranquilized the gorilla and the little boy was killed, there would
be an uproar about how society values the lives of animals over black kids.
	―NiceBump, Jun 2016
%
Amazon Prime would be an awesome leader of the Autobots.
	―spiffiness, Jun 2016
%
There is an "i" in the middle of the word "hurricane"
	―_Andreas_, Apr 2015
%
Johnny Cash would have been a good name for a rapper.
	―bobbydigital_ftw, Sep 2015
%
The word “Read” is like schrodinger’s cat. It exists as both words until it is
read by someone.
	―dhrxv, Oct 2016
%
Everything in the universe is either a banana or not a banana
	―KyreNo, Oct 2016
%
Wake up earlier on weekends. Now you get to sleep in for 5 days a week instead
of two.
	―jazcat, May 2014
%
I've seen so many price tags ending in 99 that I feel a little mentally
weirded out when I see a normal, whole number price.
	―CuteLilGirl, Oct 2016
%
The AIM "away message" was the original facebook status.
	―violentshapes, Nov 2014
%
After more than 2000 years of technological advances, girls are still wearing
the same sandals used in Ancient Rome
	―bacuna, Aug 2015
%
When I'm stuck in traffic, I'm not upset about the number of cars and reduced
speed. I'm upset about all the damn idiots that drove so badly to make it so
slow and bunched up.
	―chaddgar, Sep 2016
%
If Kanye and Kim's child's name is North West, that makes Kim's vagina the
Northwest Passage.
	―avar14, Jun 2013
%
When you make minimum wage you get yelled at for taking a shit for too
long. When you make 50k a year, you're sent to day long conferences that have
no relevance to you
	―balancespec2, Feb 2015
%
In HIMYM, all Ted's girlfriend are hot because he's the one telling the story.
	―Wasted_Comment, May 2014
%
Now that I'm a parent, I wonder how much money my parents pissed away on toys
that I can't remember even having.
	―potentialcontender, Dec 2015
%
Its hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it is damn near
impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.
	―PanosGreek, Jul 2016
%
Some badass motherfucker in the past domesticated a fucking wolf.
	―DamienHanrahan, May 2014
%
Netflix needs a "Wish List" where I can tell it what I want to see, and get
alerted when it's available to stream.
	―SenorMcNuggets, May 2015
%
If your wife has a friend that annoys you, don't tell your wife to stop being
friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty she is.
	―thehofstetter, Jun 2015
%
They're called Trojan condoms because they help you come inside safely.
	―4to5sausages, Jun 2014
%
Lesbian chatrooms are probably filled with men pretending to be lesbians
talking to other men pretending to be lesbians
	―Epicdemic93, Feb 2015
%
Reckless driving is bad, and wreckless driving is good.
	―dombonnomie, Apr 2015
%
Someone in the world unknowingly has the world's best Rock, Paper, Scissors
winning percentage
	―pepperoniplease, Oct 2015
%
Adam Sandler is like Tyler Perry for white people
	―fefebee, Nov 2013
%
Technically speaking, wouldn't your best friend be your worst enemy?
	―DKXIII, Feb 2014
%
In real life, we tell people we meet our names and where we are from, and only
share our deepest secrets when we trust each other. On the internet, we tell
people our deepest secrets and only tell each other our real names and where
we are from when we trust each other.
	―icyclaires, Apr 2015
%
I've had less sex than any of my ancestors, yet I've probably seen more dicks
than all of them combined.
	―uruk-hay, Nov 2015
%
Will Ferrell should star in an comedy where he and three other comedians are
members of a washed-up Boy Band past their prime.
	―The_UnApologist, Mar 2016
%
If there's an afterlife I hope I can look up pointless things about me when I
was alive like how many times I ate a certain food, my most used word, how
many miles I've travelled etc.
	―JoeyJ3DY, May 2014
%
I sometimes wonder how many kilometers I've scrolled on my phone
	―masterdebatorsquad16, May 2015
%
If men dressing up as women so they can ogle and harass women in the bathroom
really was an actual problem, there'd be a whole genre of porn already
dedicated to it as a fetish.
	―dresdnhope, May 2016
%
I just realized that "homeowner" has "meow" in the middle of it and now I
can't stop reading it as "ho-meow-ner".
	―noruthwhatsoever, Jun 2016
%
As a Disney land worker, I wonder how many pictures of me in my costume are in
random people's houses.
	―27will4ndrews27, Aug 2016
%
What if Peach broke up with Mario, he got depressed and ate a mushroom, and
hallucinated all of the adventures in which he won her back?
	―triskalguilo, Dec 2014
%
When we land on Mars, we need to choose the metric system or the imperial
system and never introduce the other. Ever.
	―westicles11, Sep 2016
%
You wake up when you die in a dream because you don't know what happens next
	―jepayne21, May 2013
%
I wonder if I am closer to my death or my birth right now.
	―ohnowhyme, Jul 2013
%
My dog is 12 years old. I should probably be saying "good man" rather than
"good boy."
	―BC_Trees, Mar 2016
%
Today I watched TV on the internet, played a VR game on my phone, smoked weed
ordered online and made a grocery order which arrived at my door in 2
hours. It truly is the future.
	―Llama-Farmer, Jul 2016
%
My future wife is probably banging some dude right now. Damn.
	―jessemfguire87, Nov 2014
%
I wonder how many times the members of Fleetwood Mac had to explain "no, HE is
Lindsey and SHE is Stevie"
	―evilpartiesgetitdone, Mar 2016
%
The whole toilet seat up-or-down debate between men and women would easily be
solved if people actually used the toilet lid and closed it when they're
done. It would also make bathrooms more hygienic as there wouldn't be a damned
open toilet in the bathroom all the time.
	―Chadwag, Dec 2014
%
It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other
day of the year.
	―futuristmusic, Feb 2015
%
A ? is half a lightbulb because when the question is answered it completes the
lightbulb (the idea).
	―Rafikim, May 2015
%
If i'm wiping off my vacuum cleaner with a towel, that makes me a vacuum
cleaner.
	―FiveWoodWilson, Oct 2015
%
They should mark the last tissues in a box with red lines like they do with
receipt paper.
	―sharkis, Jun 2014
%
If God created the sun on the fourth day, how had four days passed?
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
The two worst sentences you can get are life and death
	―[deleted], Mar 2014
%
Men socialize by insulting each other, but they don’t mean it. Women socialize
by complimenting each other, and they don’t mean it either
	―javiwankenobi, Jul 2015
%
I've probably gone to the gym more times in pokemon than I have in real life.
	―red_not_ash, Mar 2016
%
Calling yourself a hacker for executing a DDoS is like calling yourself a lock
picker because you blew up a door with dynamite.
	―MWMstudioz, Oct 2016
%
Mothers only get a day but sharks get a whole week.
	―jmoney73, May 2014
%
If the wife on The Truman Show was a paid actor, does that mean the marital
sex technically made her a prostitute?
	―[deleted], Jun 2014
%
Before people knew what allergies were, whenever someone died from one bee
sting, everyone must have thought they were just a giant pussy.
	―Ask-About-My-Book, May 2016
%
If everything that's happened in 2016 happened in 2012, we'd all be taking the
whole Mayan apocalypse thing very seriously.
	―krazyyeti555, Aug 2016
%
My 2 year old pushes me to think more than any adult simply be replying 'why?'
to every answer on any topic.
	―mightybeardlord, Aug 2016
%
I close Reddit because I'm bored, But then instinctively open it back up
because I'm bored
	―Pure_Sellout, Oct 2016
%
Pharrell Williams and Will Ferrell have reverse names
	―BurtMacklin23, Feb 2015
%
I got married so that I could live with a girl who doesn't flirt with me but
gets angry when other girls do.
	―diapersauce, Jan 2016
%
I only have left two minutes to live, but that clock resets every time I take
a breath.
	―Reign_Wilson, Jan 2016
%
If someone 50 years ago were told that there would one day only be eight
planets, they would think something incredibly exciting happened.
	―HaughtyLOL, Jul 2014
%
If spider-man lived in rural area, he would have to drive to get around
	―Joepth6, May 2014
%
When you say 'Forward' or 'Back', your lips move in those directions.
	―ManofProto, Jan 2014
%
Blood I've donated in the past could be in someone's boner right now.
	―mention, Jul 2015
%
It's unacceptable to use drugs to enhance your Olympic performance, but
perfectly acceptable to use autotune to win a Grammy.
	―OMGBEAR, Aug 2016
%
What if 40 year old men driving fast cars aren't going through a midlife
crisis, but instead can finally afford the car they wanted when they were 20?
	―Prevailence, Aug 2014
%
Comcast should post a /r/TIFU for throttling Netflix that directly led to them
being reclassified as a utility.
	―jimngo, Feb 2015
%
Even after midnight, I don't usually consider it to be the next day until I
fall asleep and wake up again.
	―SneakyDino, Jun 2016
%
Peter Dinklage is a White Dwarf Star
	―enkotei, Apr 2016
%
Master Splinter is the enemy of the Foot Clan because splinters injure feet.
	―TheTrueFlexKavana, Sep 2014
%
Turning up the volume is like zooming in, but with sound.
	―goingforth, Jan 2015
%
Old people don't drive slow. Slow drivers live to be old people.
	―gelatinous_poot, Sep 2015
%
It should be illegal to show CPR done incorrectly on tv or in movies.
	―red_dragons_lair, Jul 2016
%
Wrong is spelled wrong in the dictionary.
	―neal_the_seal, Mar 2014
%
Makeup is allowed in beauty pageants yet steroids aren't allowed in sports
	―LZsteelerz, Jun 2014
%
The term "leave things better than you found them" should also apply to the
way you leave people. Seeing the garbage man, stopping to get a coffee,
responding to a post on Reddit. So on and so forth.
	―Sleepysam86, Apr 2016
%
The Human Brain is like a Computer to which we dont have the Admin rights
to. We just have a user Account with Limited access.
	―Elektronator, May 2016
%
the KKK ruined a perfectly good white wizard costume
	―KadenSnowMD, May 2016
%
Getting a dollar every six minutes sounds alot better then getting ten dollars
every hour
	―Radlaserlava, Oct 2016
%
I'm semi confident my dog would welcome any intruder into my house with open
arms.
	―Serialnarcisist, Aug 2016
%
It's sad that when I see something on the news, I don't believe it right away
because of how manipulative the media is.
	―Dognado, Aug 2016
%
Preferring Reddit over Facebook means you prefer the interests of strangers to
that of your friends...
	―El_Lasto_Starfighter, Oct 2014
%
With Kanye announcing his run for Presidency in 2020 and Trump running for
2016, we are literally one step closer to Idiocracy.
	―MacinTez, Aug 2015
%
Coffee shops are a calm environment that serve coffee, a stimulant, and bars
are an energetic environment that serve alcohol, a depressant.
	―Left2Rest, Jun 2016
%
We rescue homeless animals and shun homeless people.
	―NewMaterialOnly, May 2014
%
My right elbow has never been touched by my right hand.
	―nickpiscool, May 2014
%
Farts are ghosts of your food
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
Beef Jerky is essentially just a cow raisin
	―NonTranquil, Jul 2016
%
Depression is like when your mind and heart stop loving each other but still
eat at the same dinner table together
	―khansnow225, May 2015
%
"Every single person that boarded the Titanic died" is a factually correct
statement today.
	―SchrodingersCatPics, Oct 2014
%
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
	―iAmCurrentlyNaked, May 2015
%
There are 171 people wealthier than Elon Musk. If they all did as much as he
does, we'd have audacious, world-changing ideas being announced every couple
of days.
	―Astrosomnia, Jan 2015
%
if we found ants as they exist here on earth, on another planet, we'd consider
them a civilization
	―YornyB, Jan 2016
%
"My children aren't vaccinated," is a thing the world's most and least
privileged people both say.
	―Falstaph, May 2016
%
What if the reason why 2016 has been such a crazy year is due to the return of
Lord Voldemort, but as muggles we haven't been able to connect all of the
random events and deaths?
	―Arosenthal2010, Jul 2016
%
If sex is called "xxx" and sleep is called "zzz", then why don't we call
cuddling "yyy" because cuddling comes between sex and sleep and y comes
between x and z (respectively)?
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
Saying "ohhh fuck" when having sex is like saying "mmmm eat" when eating
	―JuniorGenius, Sep 2016
%
Facebook is the refrigerator of the internet; you know there's nothing good in
it, but you keep going back to check
	―b00bsRc00L, Dec 2014
%
If you were a god with low self-esteem, you'd be an atheist, because you don't
believe in yourself.
	―yen223, Sep 2014
%
If Samsung would have listened to their users and made the Note 7 have a
user-removable battery, they could have saved billions on the recall by just
exchanging the battery
	―Leandover, Sep 2016
%
I'm still it from a game of tag eight years ago.
	―Dreamcast3, May 2014
%
In Tropic Thunder, when Robert Downey Jr. is impersonating a Chinese farmer,
he is an American actor playing an Australian actor who is acting as an
American black man impersonating a Chinese farmer.
	―lordzoku, May 2016
%
The true genius of South Park's gay fish joke is that people will probably be
walking up to Kanye and asking him if he likes fish sticks for the rest of his
life.
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
You'll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
	―sum_buddy, Jul 2016
%
What if Tesla cars aren't self driving, but are secretly remotely controlled
by cheap Indian employees?
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
I think more people are prepared for a Zombie apocalypse or alien invasion
than their own retirement.
	―Fred__Garvin, May 2016
%
The hydraulic press channel is kind of the opposite of 'how it's made'...
	―billrogerson, Apr 2016
%
When I was younger I thought cookie jars would be a bigger point of contention
in the house.
	―strongblack01, Sep 2016
%
If I ever need to win an argument on Reddit but don't have any proof, all I
need to do is link a YouTube video to support my claim, no one actually clicks
on those.
	―mohiben, Jun 2016
%
I think if I ever got crazy rich, I would hide it from my kids until they're
21 or so. Then once they finish college I'm like "We're actually stupid
rich. I just wanted you to have a normal upbringing." I feel like they would
turn out way more successful.
	―crabcakes38, Jun 2016
%
Let the Bodies Hit the Floor is a more literal version of It's Raining Men
	―distortedmatt, Apr 2015
%
I used to have to watch my swearing because i was a kid amongst adults. Now i
have to watch my swearing because I'm an adult amongst kids.
	―improcrastibating, Jun 2015
%
Instead of people constantly making throwaways, why doesn't Reddit have a
"post comment anonymously" feature?
	―roshandosh, Mar 2014
%
As a father of a 3 yo, I am probably the first generation that would rather
find my teen child experimenting with marijuana over alcohol or cigarettes.
	―usuallyafakestory, Jun 2015
%
Reddit should sell reddit aluminum for really bad comments, which shows more
ads.
	―jjason82, Mar 2014
%
I wonder if our Sun is part of the constellation of an alien civilization.
	―TheAtlanticGuy, Nov 2014
%
A man will treat a woman like a princess until she starts to act like one.
	―kreebog, May 2015
%
What if the reason we don't hear people saying "YOLO" anymore is because
they're all dead.
	―Sexymcsexalot, Jan 2016
%
The best racial slur to use against white people would be Juggalo. I'm white,
and if someone called me that, I'd be pissed.
	―JuliaStClaire, Aug 2014
%
Checking your phone when someone else checks their phone is the "yawn" of this
generation.
	―emazz, Oct 2014
%
Thanks to craft beer, my alcoholism has turned into a "neat hobby"
	―Penchegringo, Nov 2015
%
There is one day every year, where we unknowingly pass the anniversary of the
day the Dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid.
	―dewinstainleigh, Dec 2013
%
Even a good harmonica player sucks half of the time.
	―TmickyD, Dec 2015
%
Last night I spent 90 minutes reading negative reviews about a 90 minute
movie. So glad I didn't waste my time with that flop!
	―brady2gronk, Aug 2015
%
I wonder if when humans go extinct on Earth, will aliens find our DNA and
create a human version of Jurassic Park?
	―_Dreams_In_Digital_, Oct 2015
%
I could have a child and keep it off the grid if it's a home birthed child,
never get it a birth certificate or fingerprinted and just keep its birth a
secret, homeschool it, and it could be one of the most dangerous
unidentifiable people in the world
	―Your_Tyrant, Feb 2016
%
People at /r/Atheism spend more time thinking about God during their day than
most theists.
	―azarie, Aug 2014
%
If Santa can say "Ho" 3 times a second, "Ho-ho-ho", and if you consider the
blinding rate at which he would need to travel around the earth to deliver all
those presents in 24 hours, then all of Santas "Ho"s would be in different
area codes. Ludacris would be proud.
	―-Tom-, Dec 2015
%
If Nintendo made a Virtual Reality Mario Kart that could quite possibly be the
most insane game ever.
	―El_Tentecal, Apr 2016
%
I hope fast food workers get their $15/hr wages so the cost of fast food will
double and I will stop eating it.
	―ryanplaya, Nov 2015
%
Alan Rickman would have played an amazing older Kylo Ren.
	―R_X_R, Jan 2016
%
Reddit is like the back of the classroom in high school. You can barely hear
the serious conversation the OP tried to start because the top comments are
all in-jokes.
	―thmnwthtvwls, Mar 2015
%
I can stream Netflix in 1080p HD all day but god forbid I try to load a GIF on
imgur.
	―ruxvtc, May 2016
%
As a cop with a body camera, I can no longer make things like marijuana
"disappear" and let you go with a warning, seeing as how all video is open to
public records.
	―Tony_Starkwars, Oct 2016
%
When you eat meat, your body turns dead meat into alive meat.
	―TitanicMan, Sep 2015
%
I wonder how many times someone I know has seen me in public and just didn't
want to talk to me.
	―ViewAskewed, Oct 2016
%
If A=1, B=2, C=3, etc., then T+W+O+H+U+N+D+R+E+D+A+N+D+F+I+F+T+Y+N+I+N+E = 259
	―ValiantSerpant, Jun 2015
%
Why did Cinderella's shoe fall off if it fit her perfectly?'
	―rwarasaurus, May 2014
%
With all the horrors and tragedies in the US it's almost like it was built on
an ancient Indian burial ground.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
It's going to be so easy to turn a 5 into a 6 for the first few months of
2016.
	―JDst4r, Dec 2015
%
Somewhere in the galaxy, your childhood is still currently visible. Your past
self still exists, traveling through space at the speed of light.
	―banyanroot, Mar 2016
%
If a million of us picked a certain redditor and all donated just $1, we would
have the power to make someone a millionaire
	―moizmie, Nov 2014
%
"Will Will Smith smith?" and "Will Smith will smith." are complete proper
sentences
	―skullbeats, Feb 2014
%
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying
for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
	―lauralyla, Oct 2014
%
Trying to convince people that something needs to be done about climate change
feels oddly similar to trying to convince people to help clean up at a party
in progress.
	―wompt, Feb 2016
%
The phrases "butt dial" and "booty call" are by definition basically the same
words, but mean two totally different things.
	―wipedingold, Mar 2014
%
A chicken pecked my thigh today and I realized I had no right to be mad after
having bitten in to thousands of chicken thighs
	―witchhempstock, Dec 2015
%
In the last 20 years, I won over $7300 by not buying a lottery ticket every
day.
	―Nukemarine, May 2014
%
Why haven't Missy Elliott and Baskin Robbins teamed up for "Get Ur Free Cone"
day yet?
	―caphis, May 2015
%
In movies nobody ever has the bottom locker.
	―godisfat, Oct 2015
%
If Batman's main power is to instill fear, he's basically a terrorist.
	―poofbird, Mar 2015
%
Canada is 50% the letter A
	―wobr-J, Aug 2014
%
As a pregnant woman, my body contains eight limbs, and therefore this is the
closest I'll ever be to being a spider....
	―Ohmygod_dude, Jul 2016
%
Before video games the statement "Fuck I died" was probably never said by
anyone
	―FaisalAlFayez12, Aug 2016
%
I should buy some weird stuff and hide it in my attic so my grandkids have
cool stuff to post in Reddit in the future.
	―daash, Dec 2015
%
You don't want a wikipedia article about your plane flight.
	―kars4kidz, Mar 2014
%
What if sleeping is our natural state and we are only awake to gather
information for our dreams.
	―Moujahideen, Jun 2015
%
Alcohol is the fountain of youth for the brain. As you drink more, your
judgment gets worse, you lose the ability to drive, and eventually to walk and
talk. Finally, after some involuntary excretions you enter a comatose state
after which you feel like your head's been pushed through a small hole.
	―preposte, Sep 2015
%
The word "symmetry" should be a palindrome.
	―TheHamgurgler, Jun 2014
%
If you taught a parrot to only say the word "parrot" then it would be like
owning a Pokémon.
	―CruseControl, Jun 2015
%
If I were to rename my cat Meow, he would basically be a pokemon who knows
bite and scratch
	―grau0wl, Jun 2016
%
I always read the tl;dr even though I read the post
	―Sleepy_Man, Oct 2016
%
It's weird to think that I don't even exist in your life, yet you're reading
what I just typed.
	―mobs_catchem, Apr 2015
%
Snapchat should add the ability to add a NSFW tag to snaps that should not be
viewed in front of other people.
	―chandabear17, Nov 2015
%
The U.S. should offer the U.K. statehood, because it would be hilarious.
	―Accidental-Genius, Jun 2016
%
They should just turn off each candidate's mic when they run over the time
limit....and also taze them.
	―Smashcity, Oct 2016
%
"Two Bananas" would be an excellent band name for a duo of tuba-playing
grandmothers.
	―domoericato, May 2015
%
I would have been called crazy 20 years ago if I would have said Dr Dre would
become a billionaire and well-respected rapper while Bill Cosby would become a
rapist.
	―TheSeminerd, Jul 2015
%
Strangely nearly all superpowers whether mutant, alien, radiaton etc comes
with incredible sewing and costume making skills.
	―Lemonlaksen, Sep 2016
%
Steve Harvey fucked up reading info from a card, but that's all that
motherfucker does on Family Feud.
	―ChrisTaliaferro, Jan 2016
%
I probably don't know that you exist.
	―almosteeen58, Oct 2013
%
Saying "a quick Google search showed me that..." when answering someone's
question is the passive aggressive way of saying "you could've looked this up
yourself".
	―GoldNBones, Aug 2016
%
Right now there is probably someone writing a book or singing a song that is
amazing, that no one will ever hear about.
	―bacchus213, Dec 2015
%
A ton of people is literally 12 to 15 people.
	―CornfishPie, Jan 2014
%
Whenever a well known person dies, someone on Wikipedia has to change every
"is" and "are" to "was" and "were"
	―walc, Dec 2014
%
Water is just a portal to a universe where you can fly, but you can't breathe.
	―The_Purple_Otter, Feb 2016
%
It would be hilarious if the zodiac killer came forward because he couldn't
stand the fact that some people think he's Ted Cruz
	―Tycesucks, Mar 2016
%
Certain women won't date a guy who lives with his mom, but will date a guy who
lives with his wife.
	―KrullTheWarriorKing, Sep 2015
%
Someone cared about Butthead enough to pay for him to have braces.
	―rrussell415, Jul 2014
%
Cashcab would be so much better if they picked up drunk contestants trying to
go home.
	―notwithoutmypenis, Jan 2015
%
YouTube should have a "disable video" function leaving only the audio when
listening to music in order to reduce data usage.
	―LordZibo, May 2015
%
The Swiss must have been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they
included a wine bottle corkscrew on their army knife.
	―TheFrederalGovt, Sep 2015
%
Morticians should tie dead people's shoes together so if there is a zombie
apocalypse it would be funny rather than scary.
	―Lakester14, Nov 2015
%
The body acceptance movement never happened for men because we're fine with
looking like shit.
	―Killhouse, Sep 2015
%
Reddit makes you love people you've never met. Facebook makes you hate people
you've known your whole life.
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
If two mind readers read each other's mind, who's mind are they reading?
	―tr3laras, Jan 2014
%
"One man's junk is another man's treasure" would make a good slogan for a gay
porn site.
	―So_What_If_I_Litter, Jun 2014
%
I would much prefer a new set of teeth when I'm 40 than when I'm 7.
	―Stikx_, Jun 2016
%
My parents were alive to see the fall of the Soviet Union. I'll be alive to
see the fall of the European Union
	―DoctorWhoAreYouVian, Jun 2016
%
Every Olympic event should have an 'average Joe' participate in order to
provide context.
	―jayflashgordon, Jul 2016
%
Reddit is a lot like "Who's Line Is It Anyways?" because quick wit comes in
handy, and also because the points don't matter.
	―ROWDY_RODDY_PEEEPER, Sep 2014
%
Japan looks like someone turned Adblock off.
	―Escap3Artist, Nov 2015
%
Fishing would be a lot less popular if fish could scream.
	―ubuntulive, Aug 2016
%
King Kong was the original Harambe
	―paultheonion, Aug 2016
%
Girls are more comfortable being naked around each other because they don't
have to worry about getting an accidental erection and making things awkward.
	―birdington1, May 2015
%
When I see 'wtf' I immediately thinks 'what the fuck' but when I see 'lol' I
think it as 'lol'
	―Muazrozlan, Jun 2016
%
Pizza is the 'Vitruvian Man' of foods. It is shaped like a circle, is cut into
triangles, and is enclosed within a square.
	―FoxyFoxMulder, Nov 2015
%
PornHub should create an ad campaign spinoff similar to Snickers. "You're not
you when you're horny"
	―gr8v8m8, Dec 2015
%
Reddit Is a place where 1% of the users hold 99% of the karma that can't
understand why 1% of people hold most of the wealth.
	―Hadrianunlimited, Feb 2016
%
Beef jerky is sort of like a cow raisin.
	―Rrileyt, Nov 2014
%
If one of the toys from Toy Story died, the kids wouldn't know. The other toys
would have to watch them play with corpses.
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
If we can't reach Google we assume our internet is down
	―SirNickParks, May 2016
%
Your age shows how many laps you've done around the Sun while riding Earth
	―Whale_of_Wall_Street, Oct 2014
%
We waste a lot of water thinking
	―dagormz, Sep 2016
%
"Aliens don't exist" will be the "The world is flat" of the future.
	―vrairaison, Jul 2014
%
Benedict Cumberbatch is the only man in history to play Sherlock Holmes who
has a name sillier than "Sherlock Holmes"
	―wrestles_bears, Jan 2015
%
Condom compagnies should make a starter pack were they would put one of each
size to help people pick the best condom for them.
	―Poohtatoe, Apr 2015
%
If I had a dollar for every useless trivia I know, I would have no money
because the trivia is no longer useless because it can earn you money.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
If Prince William has had anal sex with Kate Middleton, she is one of the few
who have ever been royally fucked in the ass.
	―loganal, Aug 2013
%
If I had a bunch of psychics I would start a pizza place instead of a psychic
hotline.
	―RaisedByDog, Apr 2015
%
One day when google is beaming gigabit bandwidth into our homes, facebook will
be providing free internet to the globe, space X will be colonizing our solar
system, and apple will still be spending millions to make fancier packaging.
	―ToyofGod, Oct 2016
%
I have never had a female pizza delivery person in my 27 years of life.
	―jtsports27, Feb 2016
%
Revisiting your old university campus after you've graduated feels awful lot
like going back to an open -world video game after you've already beaten the
main story and completed all side quests.
	―5minUsername, May 2016
%
In the same vein as TLDR, there should be a NHDW abbreviation meaning "no
headphones, didn't watch," for videos.
	―cleverreference1, Jan 2016
%
The letter "W" should be called "WE." It's one syllable (versus 3), rhymes
with other letters like "ve" and "ze." And most importantly it's what you get
when you turn "EM" upside down.
	―SibTigerrr, Jan 2015
%
There should be a version of how it's made where they don't say what's being
made until the end, so you can guess what it is while it's made.
	―MasterENGtrainee, Nov 2015
%
If math is the universal language, then the imperial measurement system is a
speech impediment.
	―Qwardian, Dec 2015
%
If Santa keeps a record of the "naughty" kids each "year" and the year doesn't
start till the 1st of January.. then that leaves the 6 days after Christmas
and before New Years undocumented.. calling it "reverse lent". Nothing you do
in that time can be held against you.
	―Snappierwogg, Dec 2015
%
It seems kind of douchy for medical offices to charge Alzheimer's patients for
missed or forgotten appointments.
	―QuiGonGingerAle, Jul 2016
%
I'd rather power through the slightly-more-than-i-should-eat end of an ice
cream container than leave a dissapointing amount for future me.
	―Doganay96, Sep 2016
%
Anne Frank and MLK were both born in the same year but people don't know that
since they associate them with two different time periods...
	―860256, Dec 2014
%
What if the only reason that aliens haven't landed on earth is that their
government cut funding for their space program?
	―twilighttruth, Mar 2015
%
If farts smelt nice people would ask you for the recipe eg."what did you eat
to get that smell?"
	―SirSaucySquid, Jun 2014
%
A saddle is really just a human to horse adapter.
	―Xhakukill, Oct 2015
%
The first video of a human meeting an alien is going to filmed in portrait, I
just know it.
	―trudeau_for_milkyway, Jul 2016
%
If you watch sitcoms without the laugh tracks, the characters just give each
other cringed looks and awkward silences for those jokes.
	―ImNotLysdexic, Jul 2016
%
The fact that there is only a "like" and no "dislike" button on Facebook is
the equivalent of Mark Zuckerberg telling you, "If you can't say anything
nice, don't say anything at all."
	―StickyRiceLover, Sep 2014
%
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled on my phone
	―needuhLee, Sep 2014
%
I was dead for 13 billion years before I was born, and that wasn't so bad.
	―greatm31, Mar 2015
%
TED Talks are like church services for people who believe in science.
	―Bronze_Kneecap, Sep 2015
%
There's a kid out there who has to go his whole life knowing he's the reason
Harambe died.
	―jrsiv, Oct 2016
%
In Star Wars, most of the emergencies are dealt with by R2-D2 having sex with
a wall.
	―broken_calipers, Jan 2016
%
IF УФЦ TЧPЗ IИ FДКЭ CУЯILLIC, IT IS LIКЗ HДVIЙG Д PФLЧДLPHДЬЭTIC CУPHЗЯ THДT
MДCHIИЭS CДЙИФT ЦЙDЗЯSTДИD, ЪЦT БЯДIЙS CДИ
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
EAT becomes FAT is you don't draw a line.
	―boazg, Oct 2014
%
When people ask you how your day is, they aren't prepared for any response
other than "good"
	―fadadapple, Oct 2016
%
In all science fiction, humans are the one race whose goal is to get along
with every other race. In non-fiction, humans can't even get along with
themselves.
	―WippitGuud, Jul 2015
%
Religious people who haven't read their holy book have essentially clicked
"Agree" without reading the terms and conditions.
	―Fancy_Yancey, Oct 2014
%
If it wasn't for pizza, I would never know I liked pepperoni.
	―Metropolis9999, Jul 2014
%
Instead of saying "That's what she said" I've adopted a new saying, "That's
how my Grandma died."
	―zoso29, Jan 2015
%
As a male in my late 20's, it's a bigger relationship step to hold hands with
a girl in public than to be sleeping together
	―logicallyillogical, Jun 2015
%
If the movie "White Chicks" had instead been about two white men who had to be
disguised as "Black Chicks" it would be considered incredibly racist.
	―NNATHANN, Nov 2014
%
Car brake lights should get brighter the harder the driver is using the brakes
	―mwright0654, Jul 2014
%
Thanks to tinder, I've been fingering girls left and right!
	―F9R, Mar 2015
%
Guys, if a girl hits you with the "I'm pregnant" text on April Fools Day just
reply yeah you looked like you were gaining weight
	―blueshockey_1991, Mar 2015
%
The show "When Animals Attack" should be called, "When Humans are Stupid and
Wild Animals Act How They are Supposed to"
	―[deleted], Nov 2015
%
Thank God Mr. Incredible ended up marrying Elastigirl. He probably would have
killed anyone else he tried to have sex with...
	―PyjamaSlam, Feb 2015
%
People are talking about tragedies the way hipsters talk about bands. "Oh,
you're into that trendy tragedy? Whatever. There's this other tragedy I'm
into, you probably haven't heard of it..."
	―schnebly5, Nov 2015
%
The Star Wars subreddit should be /r/2d2.
	―Nickthegreat, Mar 2016
%
What if they found Amelia Earhart's plane while looking for Malaysia Flight
370?
	―rob42164, Mar 2014
%
The feeling after eating too much and the feeling after masturbating is almost
the same: "I feel moderately disgusting and I have lost all interest in having
anything to do with this again."
	―thatseraphimguy, Oct 2016
%
"Dog food lid" backwards is "Dildo of God"
	―LightReaper, Sep 2013
%
I wonder how often rare coincidences, like bumping into an old friend in an
obscure part of the world, very nearly happen - but your tracks don't quite
cross.. You could be one street away and never know
	―chutneypunch, Jan 2014
%
A speed limit essentially makes it illegal for my car to exist at a certain
location directly in front of my current location, at a certain time in the
future.
	―justtosaythis11, Oct 2014
%
When committing a crime, you should always bring earbuds with you so when you
are running away it will just look like you are out for a jog.
	―pahockey, Jun 2014
%
When I say "10 years ago" I still think of the 90s
	―atheismthrowaway0, Nov 2015
%
Legoland should have an "i promise I'm not a pedophile" day so adults can go
and enjoy the park if they don't have kids.
	―forshitzngigglez, Nov 2014
%
If you're inbred and a person, you're shamed by society. If your inbred and a
dog they give you ribbons and trophies and your inbred children sell for
thousands
	―FrankBurlyPI, Feb 2016
%
I always skip Google searches that have the word Ad in front of their
URL. Google is ultimately charging companies for me not to click their
websites.
	―joncology, Oct 2016
%
I seriously can't remember what I did when I was bored before I found Reddit
	―Hardened_Midget, Apr 2016
%
You should be able to text 911 if you're in a situation where it's dangerous
to make noise.
	―graaahh, Aug 2013
%
Do you think Mohammed also appears on grilled cheese sandwiches but nobody
recognizes him?
	―polyethylene_oxide, Jan 2015
%
I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free
time.
	―zacariahh, May 2015
%
The difference between a Million and a Billion is almost a Billion.
	―SigmaEpsilonChi, Sep 2015
%
"Better late than never!" is an amazing anti-speeding slogan
	―True__Roman, Dec 2014
%
Historically, when a new land is discovered and colonized, people eventually
revolt and win their independence from their country of origin. When we go to
Mars, it is inevitable that people born there will feel no love for Earth and
will start a revolution to claim the planet as their own.
	―31415927, Sep 2016
%
I would gladly take 98% odds while gambling at a casino but suddenly 98%
doesn't sound too good when it's the effectiveness of your girlfriend's birth
control
	―McGibbletsDojo, Nov 2015
%
There should be bloopers at the end of horror films to relax the viewer before
sleeping
	―LeDardSauvage, Jun 2016
%
Al Bundy was considered a loser in the 80s and 90s, even though he owned a
decent house in a good neighborhood, and was able to sustain a family on a
single income working as a shoe salesman on minimum wage.
	―WildAnimus, Aug 2016
%
Facebook makes you hate everyone you already know. Reddit makes you like
people you'll never meet.
	―Milnah23, Jul 2015
%
Any drink with calories is an energy drink.
	―ManchesthairUnoited, Nov 2015
%
u/Poem_for_your_sprog and u/shittywatercolours should combine to make a
childrens book of poems and then watercolours depicting the poems.
	―CaptainDickfingers, Jun 2015
%
When people are sick they are actually NSFW
	―Nilzone, Nov 2015
%
Netflix should have a rating system that includes, "I hate this, but I want to
keep watching it."
	―quiche_richards, Mar 2014
%
"Shoulder blade" is a pretty badass name for a bone.
	―cboston_9, Apr 2016
%
'Supervision' sounds a lot cooler than it really is
	―PohFahVoh, May 2014
%
I wish Chris Farley was alive to have done Rob Ford skits for SNL.
	―Wrekt_, Jul 2015
%
GTA made me a violent person as much as Madden made me an athlete.
	―motownmods, Aug 2016
%
When thinking about the first time I saw my wife naked when we were in high
school, I'm thinking about a 16 year old.
	―hindu_child, Apr 2014
%
Someone should market a prank dictionary that looks real but is missing the
word "gullible".
	―eequalsmc2, Oct 2014
%
Jaden Smith needs to star in a show about a spoiled rich kid from Bel Aire
sent to live with relatives in West Philadelphia.
	―jswerve386, Dec 2014
%
A woman's breasts are basically lumps of fat, so whenever breasts are blurred
on TV it's technically fat shaming
	―ScrotumOfJesus, Mar 2015
%
If every person worldwide blinked simultaneously, nobody would notice.
	―SSBroski, Mar 2015
%
If Microsoft let you play Minesweeper or Solitaire while Windows updated we'd
hate Windows updates a lot less
	―mmmmmmBacon12345, Aug 2016
%
An urge for masturbating should be called a 'fappetite'
	―Zwanuz, Dec 2013
%
The only reason I read comments on Reddit is to find someone who has the same
reaction to a post as me but can communicate their thoughts more better.
	―VisionLikeAHawk, Oct 2016
%
With infinite universes, think of another version of you and say 'hi'. There's
a version of them thinking of you and saying 'hi'. You just communicated
through dimensions using probability.
	―Clarkey7163, Sep 2016
%
I live in a country where millionaires and the unemployed are likely to have
the same phone.
	―SlyStallonesForearms, Nov 2014
%
I wonder if Muslim women also get 72 virgins after they martyr
themselves. Seems like that's not as good of a deal.
	―98PercentOdium, Dec 2015
%
If Monopoly was invented today, you would be able to buy Jail like any other
property.
	―cracked_tail_fin, Jun 2015
%
My phone should know when I'm about to watch a video I'm not trying to turn
down my ring tone volume.
	―Serialnarcisist, Sep 2016
%
In high school, girls dating college guys were cool. In college, guys dating
girls in high school are losers.
	―Durden11, Aug 2016
%
The final test in marriage counseling should be to assemble an Ikea table
together and then play Monopoly on it.
	―Robotic_Pedant, Sep 2016
%
if the Americans bring down Fifa, we should allow them to call the sport
soccer.
	―flkitten, May 2015
%
Teach a man with Alzheimer's to fish, and he'll eat for a day.
	―straycanoe, Aug 2014
%
If I was asked to describe color to a blind person, I would just hand them
bottles of POWERADE and tell them the color they are drinking.
	―triotone, Aug 2016
%
Growing up I was always told how smart I was. Now that I'm an adult I realize
I'm not really smart at all.
	―_eggfooyoung_, Dec 2015
%
I wonder if birds on my feeder are friends or if it's like a public bathroom
and no one makes eye contact.
	―Muhon, Jul 2015
%
It's weird that in grade 12 you have to ask to go the bathroom in school. But
2 months after you graduate you have to choose what you want to do for the
rest of your life
	―fredsalsa, Jan 2016
%
When I was a kid my parents told me I wouldn't enjoy getting mail. Jokes on
them, I pay my bills online and the only thing I get in the mail are parcels
from Amazon.
	―huge_clock, Sep 2016
%
A shitload of food is the exact amount of food you eat.
	―Nickompoop, Oct 2014
%
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature
on Facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends
with?
	―BookerGinger, Jan 2015
%
Watching porn and masturbating is like watching the food network and eating
bread.
	―BigVoter, Mar 2015
%
I'm 32 and it's likely I could still be lured into stranger danger by puppies
and candy.
	―urbanphilosoraptor, Sep 2015
%
Google is better at finding posts on reddit than the search on reddit itself
	―load231, Apr 2016
%
It would make more sense if 3 had the value of 4 because the number 3 looks
like half of the number 8
	―thejamesstage, Apr 2014
%
Spiderman has arachnid buttholes on his wrists..
	―PhantomGuise, Oct 2015
%
You are never finished pooping. At best, you are just between pooping.
	―prettyfly4aRyguy, Jul 2016
%
The fact that we have a universally recognized hand sign for "fuck you" and
not one for "I'm sorry" should really tell us something.
	―Silvervox325, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if ive done something that has caused a chain reaction that has lead
to someone's death
	―raepsawce, Jun 2014
%
In Skyrim, Khajiit should have reduced fall damage, since cats always land on
their feet.
	―knellotron, Oct 2014
%
I wonder if I've ever spent the same dollar twice...
	―asterion_saxifrage, Oct 2015
%
My brain seems to think that anyone I find attractive is too good for me and
anyone attracted to me must be insane
	―AlcoholAndCartoons, Sep 2016
%
"?!" makes a sound in my head, but I can't describe what it is...
	―UnexpectedFacts, Jul 2015
%
Incorrect facts about Amish people spread around the internet are not very
likely to be corrected...
	―SmokeyBacon0221, Feb 2016
%
I am glad that farts aren't contagious as yawns
	―Footyking, Jul 2016
%
There are children alive in the U.S. today who have only known a black
president.
	―13104598210, Mar 2014
%
Ms. Pac-Man should have been named Pac-Ma'am
	―-kunai, Oct 2014
%
DNA is technically an acid. That means I have the ability to shoot acid out of
my dick.
	―shroomenheimer, Oct 2014
%
They Should Reboot Frozen With a Black Kid and Have Him Grow Up to be Frozone
	―NikNakPattyWat, Mar 2015
%
Netflix needs a skip theme song button
	―Mh1781, Jun 2016
%
Since the invention of auto-correct, the use of the word 'ducking' has
exploded.
	―wotton, Jan 2015
%
Pizza delivery drivers should also operate like ice cream trucks and carry
around spare pizzas with typical toppings. So when you see one drive through
your neighborhood and you get a craving, you could just buy a hot pizza off
them right then.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
100 years ago, most people rode horses and only the rich had cars. Now
everyone has a car and you have to be rich to own a horse.
	―SLy_McGillicudy, Dec 2015
%
The Grinch stole Christmas from the Whos. Horton heard a Who. The Grinch is
tiny.
	―grumpyoyster, Dec 2015
%
People get very offended when you tell them how to raise their child, unless
you wrote a book about it. Then they'll pay you for it.
	―awifal, Jun 2016
%
I close Reddit when I get bored and then instinctively open Reddit because I'm
bored
	―ooazdog, Sep 2016
%
The female equivalent of sausage fest should be called a fish market.
	―gbcr, Sep 2014
%
I wonder how many Oscar heads have been in vaginas.
	―klsi832, Feb 2016
%
The Olympic Games are the biggest sporting event in the world, yet most of the
sports they play are so niche that everybody forgets they exist until the next
Olympics.
	―arhanv, Aug 2016
%
No matter how bad you were hurt, you're eventually going to have to trust a
fart again.
	―DonkeyTooth, Jan 2016
%
If Jesus had been stoned to death, Christians would all wear little rocks
around their necks
	―slowpoke257, Jul 2016
%
Thanks to gifs, millions today enjoy silent movies like people did a century
ago, not annoyed by the lack of sound.
	―niktemadur, Aug 2016
%
If people are going to start being fined for smoking in the car with kids, we
should start fining mothers who smoke with kids in their stomach.
	―keptfloatin707, Sep 2015
%
I wonder how many strangers I've walked by more than once.
	―NumberOnett, Jul 2016
%
While asleep, our brains are capable of assembling complex narratives set in
fantastical worlds; populating them with beings and structures, all perfectly
animated and rendered... While awake, we're lucky if we can draw a decent
stick figure.
	―aesu, Sep 2015
%
How the fuck did cake become so fucking special. Birthday cake, Wedding cake,
Graduation cake, Retirement cake... I wanted apple pie but Nnnoooo we have to
serve cake. Eat a Dick cake.
	―PM-MeYour___, Aug 2015
%
Taken 4 should be set in a tibetan monastery. Liam Neeson has found his
daughter, and his wife, now he must find his inner self.
	―danr995, Jan 2015
%
For having such a bad rap, Satanists really haven't done nearly as much damage
as Christians and Muslims have.
	―exwasstalking, Aug 2016
%
Me trying to kill a fly for five minutes is the equivalent of me being chased
down by a killer for ~3 months.
	―Tessellated_Turtle, Dec 2014
%
One of the most creepy things we can come up with is a strange creature,
standing still some distance away, staring right at us in silence. We do that
to animals every day.
	―Kabitu, Jul 2015
%
Google is like CTRL+F for the entire internet.
	―evenreptar, Feb 2014
%
Tomorrow's date (04 Aug 16) is 2^2 / 2^3 / 2^4
	―i_have_an_account, Aug 2016
%
Of course our moms don't think we're ugly. Half of our genes came from someone
that she thought was attractive enough to have sex with
	―The_Great_Hambriento, Apr 2015
%
9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom
	―Ah_You_So_Stupid, Oct 2015
%
If I teach my parents something, they're learning from their mistake.
	―joacofd, May 2016
%
I now identify more with the bus driver yelling at kids to sit down than the
kids who think she's crazy.
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
If Whose Line is it Anyway was rebooted as a live show, social media could use
hashtag submissions to make it the best improv show ever
	―Casual_H, Feb 2015
%
I bet people would look better in their driver's license pictures if they took
the photo at the beginning of the DMV visit rather than the end.
	―uscmissinglink, Jul 2016
%
Reddit/Imgur could bankrupt Buzzfeed if they changed there terms of use to ban
reposting on Buzzfeed.
	―RealDanger, Jan 2015
%
I wonder who hearing 'Gold Digger' is more awkward for - Kim Kardashian or
Kanye West.
	―cubs1917, Jun 2015
%
There should be a Margarita truck that plays mariachi as it drives around the
neighborhood at night. And we would hear it and run out with our money and
wait for it on the curb. I would be so happy.
	―The_Dude18, Jan 2016
%
Ghost sightings sure fell out of popularity now that everyone has a smartphone
in their pocket
	―Lolawolf, Jul 2016
%
If there really are infinite universes with infinite possibilities, Batman is
reading a comic book about me.
	―Aardvark_Man, Oct 2014
%
Humans are originally from Mars, but after using up all its resources and
destroying the atmosphere, scientists launched a vessel containing basic
genetic material to start a new world into space. This vessel was the asteroid
that killed the dinosaurs.
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
Hollywood shouldn't remake good movies, they should remake terrible movies and
make them better.
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
April Fool's Day is the best day for a company to unveil a potentially
controversial product. If people hate it, they can just claim it was a
joke. If people love it, they can continue working on it.
	―Cevan, Feb 2016
%
the most likely person to own a katana is the least intimidating person to
weild a katana
	―IForgotMyOldLoggInfo, Aug 2016
%
Honesty is probobly one of the most highly regarded traits in a person, but if
I was 100% honest 100% of the time I probobly wouldn't have any friends,
family or even a job
	―LukeWiLDz, Aug 2016
%
Girls always want a taller guy, but consistently complain about being
tall. It's because your mom found a taller guy, and the cycle continues.
	―Footsteps_10, Jul 2016
%
If we woke up everyday as a different person and knew everything that they
knew, we wouldn't know it happens.
	―4cr1nge, Dec 2013
%
Peacocks are like rave turkeys.
	―THcB, Jun 2014
%
If abortion is legal but prostitution is not, then a woman owns her uterus but
the vagina belongs to the state.
	―dickballforeskin, Nov 2014
%
The Japanese flag could actually be a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan
	―Stealthapple, Sep 2013
%
A date is like a sex interview.
	―stopsayingnoodles, Jun 2014
%
When you turn thirty, your fifteen year old mistakes become fifteen year old
mistakes.
	―[deleted], May 2014
%
Facebook needs an 'agree' and/or 'support' button, so I don't have to 'like'
that you're having a tough struggle with cancer.
	―labracadabradorr, May 2015
%
Whenever I need to spell 'beautiful' I always think back to Bruce Almighty.
	―Flat_Man, Jan 2016
%
At 11:11:11 on 11/11/1111 no one had a clock accurate enough to care
	―Twiggled, Jan 2016
%
There are only two possibilities, as far as I see it: Either Google will
someday cease to exist, like every other company in history, or it will
transform into something which will be impossible to shut down.
	―pennypun, Oct 2016
%
"Blue-Eyes White Dragon" sounds like a Nazi mascot
	―Feezec, Aug 2015
%
When I die, I don't want my life to flash before my eyes, I want a
CinemaSins-style video complete with Jeremy narrating.
	―Jalarast, Sep 2015
%
There should be a clock repair company with the motto "If it doesn't tick,
tock to us"
	―supermav27, Jan 2014
%
If we ever colonize another planet how will we determine age?
	―Jtcor, Mar 2014
%
YouTube Red takes something I don't want and asks me to pay for it, but
RedTube takes something I'd pay for and gives it to me for free.
	―lajb85, Jul 2016
%
If women average 20,000 words a day, and men only 7,000, even if I only listen
to half of what my wife says, I still listen to her more than she could ever
possibly listen to me.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
When I started watching Breaking Bad I only saw Bryan Cranston as Hal from
Malcom in the Middle, now I'm watching Malcom in the Middle and only see Bryan
Cranston as Walter White
	―catmanducmu, Apr 2016
%
Behind every pornstar is at least ten people from their high school that
"Totally fucking called it."
	―garymotherfuckin_oak, Apr 2015
%
If I bet a hooker $100 that she can't make me cum....is that prostitution or
illegal gambling?
	―MRCTM2015, Sep 2015
%
The bigger the tattoo of a cross, the less the person acts like a Christian.
	―SavePeanut, Oct 2016
%
They should just start using liquid soap in jails.
	―ciberaj, Sep 2015
%
100,000 condoms for Olympic Village? That's the BEST TIME to further the
species.
	―ate2fiver, Aug 2016
%
About 150 years ago a car would be considered a luxury item and a horse a
necessity, now a horse is a luxury item and a car is necessity.
	―memejpg, Nov 2015
%
Most people don't take offense when you say "the average person is an idiot"
because most people think they are above average
	―sonofdarth, Jul 2016
%
The difference between "woman" and "women" is spelled in the second syllable
but pronounced in the first syllable.
	―thehawkflies, Oct 2015
%
I just realized today’s date 2016.10.2 is a palindrome, which is the same when
you read it forward and backward.
	―Squaremino1, Oct 2016
%
Fake living rooms at IKEA should also have a couple in them trying to assemble
IKEA furniture and fighting.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
I prefer nightmares. I wake up from bad dreams relieved, because I know
they're not real; I wake up from good dreams disappointed, because I know
they're not real.
	―RedBeardedWhiskey, Nov 2015
%
The Little Mermaid is a cute story but if I were a merperson and I suddenly
became a real person I'd be much more intrigued by my newfound genitals than
my newfound legs.
	―Sykotik, May 2014
%
To sleep, you have to pretend to be asleep until you actually are
	―Luz53, Dec 2015
%
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat
	―whatsaphoto, Jun 2016
%
Once time travel is invented it will have always existed.
	―narwilliam, Mar 2015
%
I live in Colorado, I bought pot on my credit card. Wells Fargo fronted me an
eighth. Thank you Wells Fargo.
	―tracyav54, Jul 2015
%
It's strange how the the brain doesn't register a second 'the' when written
next to another 'the'.
	―KyleD1997, Feb 2015
%
My dog understand several human words. I don't understand any dog barks. She
may be smarter than me.
	―autopornbot, Aug 2015
%
When you unmatch someone on Tinder it asks why. One option should be "I was
drunk last night but now I'm sober."
	―salb3039, Oct 2015
%
the world's most famous carpenter died nailed to a board
	―ComboverEagle, Sep 2016
%
The news is basically just someone saying good evening, and then giving you a
list of reasons it's not.
	―Helpimstuckinreddit, May 2015
%
For thousands of years literacy was exclusive to the elites of the world and
historians always pondered what life for the common man was like. Today,
thanks to social media, we can safely assume they had nothing all that
important to say.
	―BridgetheDivide, Aug 2016
%
I wish my life was exciting enough to warrant buying a Go-Pro.
	―nostalgianewbie, Oct 2016
%
I wonder how many times I've walked past or come into contact with a murderer.
	―KnibbHighFB, Apr 2014
%
If my dream girl exists, I'll never meet her because she prefers to chill at
home
	―pupuwalker, Feb 2016
%
When somebody's IQ drops below a certain threshold, it no longer becomes
acceptable to mock or criticize their intelligence.
	―fullpaytax, May 2016
%
Children swear all the time. Adults swear all the time. However, mix these two
groups, and suddenly everyone pretends swearing is awful and they would never
ever do such thing.
	―Itanagon, Oct 2016
%
A penis is like a progress bar for arousal.
	―Calypse11, May 2014
%
Our preference for large breasts and muscular men is exactly what would happen
if aliens were breeding us for milk and meat.
	―barneylow, Apr 2016
%
Facebook buying reddit would make a great April fools joke.
	―alexmilde, Mar 2014
%
The humans in Star Trek have ancestors who once watched and loved Star Wars.
	―phasers_to_stun, Jan 2016
%
High school teachers tell us not to plagiarize, but they get all of their
assignments from the internet
	―Mathew425, Sep 2016
%
If the team in Air Bud lost, the coach would have looked like an idiot for
putting in a Golden Retriever.
	―RLangdon9, Nov 2014
%
Its weird how it's socially acceptable to put someone else's genitals in your
mouth, but eating a Dorito off the floor after a few seconds is gross. What a
fucking double standard.
	―emilNYC, Oct 2014
%
If Ocean's Eleven taught me anything, it is that the MGM Grand is going to get
robbed after the fight tonight.
	―f3rsure, May 2015
%
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those naughty kids coal now that global
warming is threatening his home?
	―mickyninaj, Dec 2015
%
75 is 25% shorter than 100, unless it is a time you type into the microwave,
in which case it is 25% longer
	―AdamsDJ, Nov 2015
%
Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "You're Awesome" or
"Looking Good", and call them "Complimentos"...
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
A 6 year old isn't brilliant because he can use a smartphone. It's the
engineers who are smart by designing it in a way a 6 year old can use.
	―siddharthsai, Aug 2016
%
If September 11th would have happened on July 11th, it would have been
completely devastating to the 7-Eleven company.
	―fhylelove, Nov 2014
%
Saying someone can't be sad because someone else has it worse is like saying
someone can't be happy because someone else has it better.
	―Backs_People_Up, Jul 2015
%
They should grow super big cucumbers so we can have pickle slices that cover
our entire hamburgers.
	―cffff, May 2014
%
At some point before Andy went off to college, Woody, Buzz, and the gang must
have seen him savagely masturbate
	―cortez9001, Nov 2014
%
What if Mars has water on it because we used to live there and fucked up the
climate so badly that we had to send an escape pod to earth with only Adam and
Eve in it?
	―Debazzle, Sep 2015
%
The entire point of a bayonet is to bring a knife to a gunfight
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
'Fe' is the elemental symbol for iron. Tina Fey's last name is 'irony'.
	―gabe100000, Oct 2014
%
Making Toy Story 4 is like having a going away party. You say bye to every
one, leave the house/building and end up forgetting your car keys thus going
back inside to get them
	―enragedjester, Aug 2015
%
June is like Friday, July is like Saturday, and August is like Sunday
	―thebageljew, Jun 2014
%
Isn't the roof of my mouth really the ceiling because it's on the inside?
	―SouthParkDid_it, Mar 2015
%
There should be a 'post as anonymous' option so people don't need to keep
making throwaways
	―ImThatMan0nTheMoon, Aug 2016
%
I have no idea what I've forgotten
	―philly_jay, Jun 2013
%
Grey's Anatomy should end with the death of Meredith Grey after which she
donates her body for medical studies and the series finale should have the
final scene where a professor lifts up the veil of a new cadaver, looks at
them and then the camera as he says, "This is Grey's Anatomy".
	―do_usernames_matter, Apr 2015
%
Pokeman Go is the greatest thing to happen to America's knowledge of the
metric system since drugs.
	―Skwerilleee, Jul 2016
%
What if everytime you cracked your knuckles your fingers glowed like glow
sticks.
	―LurkingInthaShadows, Jul 2015
%
If your pet sits on you as a pet owner, you will remain in whatever
uncomfortable position you're in to not disturb your pet out of love because
we presume they're comfortable, but what if they're just as uncomfortable but
also not moving because of how much they love us?
	―PsychoPhreak, Feb 2016
%
I'm pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to
find out that helicopters exist and I can't fly one.
	―CaliberHB, Jun 2015
%
There should be a movie about a hot college girl in love with a typical
nerd. But the nerd is not in love with her.
	―HitlerJackedMyStyle, May 2014
%
My dog must think I'm an idiot for having all that urine but only ever marking
the one thing in the house.
	―Shall-Not-Pass, Jun 2016
%
The only difference between intuition and paranoia is whether you're right or
wrong
	―Gbaby123123, Mar 2015
%
My wife's gynecologist steps out to give her privacy and change into the gown,
and then proceed to look at her vagina.
	―whosinthetrunk, Jun 2015
%
They was a moment when your mother put you down and never picked you up ever
again. She would (most likely) never have realised that moment.
	―walkonthebeach, May 2014
%
In 40 years we will think of words like "swag" "cray" and "totes" like we do
now with "golly" "darn tootin" and "gee whiz."
	―batmanforhire, Apr 2015
%
Are all the guys in a boy band singing about/to the same girl? If so, that's a
little creepy and weird
	―voltronforlife, Jun 2015
%
Marriage is the same as saying "I bet you half my stuff we stay together
forever.".
	―Old2blue, Aug 2015
%
Women sound like murderers when they comment on each other's photos "I WANT TO
BE YOU", "I WANT YOUR SKIN", "I WANT YOUR HAIR"
	―WutUtalkingBoutWill, Oct 2015
%
Every movie based on a true story is part of a shared cinematic universe.
	―Enceladeans, Mar 2016
%
If you grab any rock and split it in half, the inside you now have revealed
has probably not seen daylight in millions if not billions of years.
	―neutrns13, Aug 2016
%
I always scratch under my dogs collar in case he has an itch there that he
can't get.
	―Mr_Funnybones, Aug 2016
%
Atheist say "Oh my God!" because they find the situation unbelievable.
	―milkymaniac, Aug 2015
%
The symbol "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor.
	―RaeOfSunshine92, Sep 2016
%
Netflix needs an incognito mode so that I can watch terrible films without
getting recommended more terrible films
	―bestjokeev, Oct 2016
%
Are Medusa's leg hairs tiny snakes?
	―superpie5, Nov 2015
%
"Arms" is another word for guns, and "guns" is another word for arms.
	―lemonsmcbob, Mar 2014
%
There should be a subreddit called ELI65, for computer questions.
	―ptk77, Aug 2015
%
Taking a break with your SO is the real life equivalent of "try turning it
off, and switching it on again,"
	―Attillathewat, Jan 2016
%
Ceiling fans are really just helicopters who gave up on their dreams and opted
for an office job...
	―wowdavers, Aug 2016
%
I wonder if I've ever unknowingly shook hands with a murderer.
	―NotSteveBuschemi, Jul 2014
%
Masturbating while watching porn is like nibbling on crackers while watching
people at an all you can eat buffet.
	―FastidiousSlacker, Aug 2014
%
The "juice" in Starburst is just your flavored spit.
	―creynolds31, Jun 2015
%
Because telescopes work using mirrors, we will never know if space is full of
space vampires.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is reading this exactly the same
time you are and coming to the exact same realization that someone else is
doing so.
	―FayBooLess, Sep 2015
%
Buzzfeed employees have the perfect job: they get paid to browse Reddit all
day
	―theChapinator, Oct 2015
%
"Sat" is the past tense of "Sit" which means "Fat" should be the past tense of
"Fit"
	―Saikou0taku, Sep 2014
%
Do we call Macaroni and Cheese "Mac" because it is an abbreviation or because
it is an acronym?
	―TicklishPotato, Mar 2016
%
Aliens invaded the moon on July 20th, 1969.
	―pollenatedweasel, Feb 2014
%
I never look at someone's username on Reddit unless someone comments "Username
checks out"
	―JustSomeSchoolFags, Oct 2016
%
I'm so old, my handheld games were filled with water :-/
	―danny_the_car_wiper, Sep 2015
%
Your age is just the number of laps you've done around a giant fireball in the
centre of the solar system.
	―Sapes, Jul 2013
%
If you say "God is great" in English nobody will bat an eye, but as soon as
you say it in Arabic everybody loses their shit.
	―The-Lying-Tree, Jan 2016
%
Skittles is probably having a marketing heyday right now
	―BreakEveryChain, Jun 2015
%
Hitler probably turned out to be so aggressive because throughout his life
time travelers kept turning up trying to kill him
	―SpacedJ, May 2014
%
At first, the Lochte story confirmed my negative stereotype of Brazil, but in
truth it confirmed negative stereotypes of Americans
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
Next time you're feeling down about something, just think about the kid who
got benched so Air Bud could play.
	―sour_vv, Dec 2014
%
You know you're an adult when, instead of being excited you have more money in
your account than you should, you get confused and scared.
	―xsp4rrow, Jan 2016
%
"Squawks" said backwards still sounds the same even though it's not a
palindrome
	―[deleted], May 2013
%
If people on a planet 65 million light years away look at earth, they see
dinosaurs.
	―Rowhardorrowhome, Nov 2013
%
As a kid I thought summer was by far the best season. As an adult it is by far
the worst.
	―StillPlaysFlappyBird, Aug 2016
%
The reason kids are more creative is their brains have less experiences to
compare to, so it has to guess to understand things.
	―skeddles, Feb 2014
%
Someone should make a medieval horse racing game called "Need for Steed"
	―ECURLE, Nov 2013
%
the correct response for any 'Explain like I'm Five' post that involves sex or
reproduction should be "We'll talk about this when you're older"
	―[deleted], Feb 2014
%
If Jeb wins the GOP nomination and makes Cheney his side man, their slogan can
be "same dick, new bush"
	―jayzdubz, Sep 2015
%
If I ever start going blind, I'm not going to tell the government. I'll feel
more badass being illegally blind.
	―Slimjawb, May 2014
%
Why are there 2 A's in Aaron? Why not 6? What's stopping us?
	―sdendis, Mar 2015
%
When you catch a leaf falling from a tree, you're holding something that has
never touched the ground.
	―JayPlay69, Oct 2016
%
I can hold my breath for the rest of my life
	―[deleted], Apr 2014
%
"Breakfast" in Spanish is "Desayuno." Ayuno means "fast." Desayuno means you
undo your fast. Breakfast. Break the fast. Breakfast. I haven't had waffles in
like five years.
	―fiffers, Mar 2015
%
If Snapchat existed when I was a kid, it would be a fax machine hooked up to a
shredder.
	―Jay_Eye_MBOTH_WHY, Sep 2015
%
Pewdiepie is the highest paid and most popular babysitter in the world.
	―TheEpicEpileptic, Jun 2016
%
When black & white photographs were invented, they must had looked pretty
weird because people had never seen the world in black & white before
	―WanOrigami, Nov 2015
%
Masturbating in the bathroom at work is the perfect crime. In order for them
to punish you,they'd have to admit to spying on you in the bathroom, which is
illegal.
	―EauEwe, Feb 2015
%
There's no way that EVERYBODY was Kung Fu fighting.
	―Molloy861, May 2015
%
If you have your mom saved in your phone as "mom", you can pull her up on the
dialpad by pressing "666"
	―Marvster, Nov 2015
%
i think the biggest communication problem is we do not listen to
understand. we listen to reply.
	―Maimad1987, Sep 2016
%
Saying "Amen" is like the holy way of saying "true that"
	―Freddy_dakilla, Feb 2015
%
Everything I cook literally turns out to be shit.
	―turnoid, Jan 2014
%
Right now in California you can tell how much of an asshole someone is by the
color of their lawn.
	―thefenceturtle, Sep 2015
%
Instead of using "1st Grade", we should call it "Level 1" when referring to
school so it sounds cooler to kids.
	―JR_GameR, Mar 2015
%
Being an adult is realizing that $5,000 is a lot of money to owe and very
little money to own.
	―Teal2289, Mar 2015
%
Porn is the perfect place for a pop-up scare to take place.
	―150crawfish, May 2015
%
The fact that chimps share 99% of their DNA with us is really impressive until
you realize that string beans share 50% of it.
	―BucktheWonderSlave, Feb 2016
%
I am just a penis. The rest of me is just there to make sure my penis survives
long enough to make more penises.
	―__Corvus__, Jul 2016
%
Adblock should buy out signs around time square and replace them with ‘This ad
has been blocked by Adblock’
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
Jersey must be a real shithole, if New Jersey was supposed to be an
improvement.
	―edfitz83, Dec 2015
%
More people have been President of the United States than who have sucked my
dick. Sucking my dick is a more exclusive club.
	―[deleted], Jul 2015
%
I really feel that if Subway had any balls, they would start using the hashtag
#blackolivesmatter.
	―harleyeaston, Jul 2016
%
I wonder if the writers of The Simpsons have ever had to scrap what they
thought was an original idea because the show had already done it.
	―dontgive1011, Jan 2015
%
Every bullet that has been fired has missed me.
	―Damagon, Jul 2016
%
Cartoons with no dialogue like Tom and Jerry require no cultural or language
translation for children anywhere in the world
	―skippyjason, Sep 2016
%
Spongebob and Squidward have shifts at the Krusty Krab, so other people work
there too.
	―shaunthegreat, Jun 2014
%
If the Nazis used government funds to install those "break glass in case of
emergency" axes in their buildings, then that means they were using easy
access axes Axis taxes.
	―Sir_Kegglesworth, Feb 2014
%
The recent headline, 'TLC axes 19 Kids and Counting', is horrifying if you've
never heard of that show before.
	―CrankyOptimist, Jul 2015
%
A pet rock is a great pet until you realize its is essentially immortal and
you have damned it to an eternity of watching its loved ones die.
	―hartattk, Jan 2016
%
Chanting "ONE MORE SONG" at the end of a band's set is nice. Doing it in the
middle of their set is mean.
	―fugaziozbourne, Jun 2016
%
If you die during an orgasm, you're coming and going at the same time.
	―Joelovesfood, Mar 2015
%
I've never seen They Might be Giants in concert. For all I know, they might
actually be giants.
	―phish_tacos, Mar 2016
%
It's amazing how much authority a parking cone has.
	―I_Am_Pencilvester, Aug 2016
%
Humans are a really good example of how dangerous an invasive species is for
the local environment
	―Crushgaunt, Sep 2016
%
Some or all of the money collected from wishing wells or fountains should be
donated to the Make A Wish Foundation, that way the coins tossed really did
make a wish come true.
	―lionsfandom, Sep 2016
%
Is my dick an identical copy of my dad's dick? Or is it a combination of my
dad's and my mom's, if she had one?
	―donatorbonator, May 2015
%
If every person on earth was required to spend one work day a year naked we
would all workout more.
	―PDSnowden, Dec 2015
%
The most unrealistic thing about the movie Taken was that two millennial
teenage girls were trying to follow a U2 tour.
	―skyant, May 2015
%
In 1990, if you owned a car from 1970, it would be a classic, and be
considered cool. In 2015, if you own a car from 1995, there is nothing cool
about that.
	―roman715, Jun 2015
%
Porn is the only genre of video where it's acceptable to put a spoiler in the
title.
	―Bolderthegreat, Jul 2015
%
If Voldemort really wanted to kill Harry Potter on the night that the spell
didn't work, he could've just picked him up and thrown him out a window given
that Harry was a little baby
	―mrnovember17, Dec 2015
%
If all the original members of a band were replaced, most people would argue
that it's not the same band. But a sports team replaces all of its members
after a certain number of years, and it's still the same team.
	―[deleted], Jul 2014
%
Fix a man's computer, and he'll come back to you for a lifetime. Teach a man
how to fix his computer, and he'll remember it for a day.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
If I was studying to learn English, and I saw the word "Eighth" I think I'd
just throw the book down and give up
	―braunheiser, Mar 2015
%
When people say "I'm 99% sure", they are probably have more certainty than
someone who says "I'm 100% sure".
	―RiasGremorySenpai, Oct 2015
%
The middle aged equivalent to the 'walk of shame' is having to leave a public
place because your child is throwing a fit.
	―brawler839, Aug 2015
%
The Harry Potter universe has such a wide variety of magical creatures but the
house sygils are based on normal-ass animals
	―Joeybadbutt, Sep 2016
%
Manslaughter sounds way worse than murder
	―Htuesday, May 2016
%
Wouldn't cigarette companies benefit from finding a cure for cancer?
	―joepostman, Jun 2016
%
I care a lot about what my computer background is, but rarely ever look at it
	―AceStudios10, Jul 2016
%
When a webpage asks me if I'm sure I want to leave, it only makes me more sure
that I definitely want to leave.
	―My_New_Philosophy, Sep 2016
%
When I was 13-17 they charged me for an adult ticket at the movies but I
couldn't watch an R rated film.
	―godsafraud, Nov 2015
%
I remember my math teacher telling me i wouldn't be able to carry a calculator
with me all the time.
	―kyle7575, Oct 2014
%
When you change the w's in "where, what, and when" to t's you get the answers:
"there, that, and then".
	―[deleted], Sep 2014
%
"d" is just "a" with a boner.
	―TemperTemperr, Aug 2015
%
Erect has a hard c, while flaccid has a soft c.
	―mikesok988, Mar 2016
%
If you're reading a book in public you're sophisticated, if you're reading the
newspaper it's still socially acceptable, but if you're reading an article on
your phone you're just another person glued to your phone.
	―gcool7, Aug 2016
%
As a middle-aged white guy, if I ever lost my dog by an elementary school I'd
have to consider it gone forever.
	―a_rabid_squirrel, May 2016
%
When people say 10 years ago I still think of the 90's
	―pumpkin_seeds_, Mar 2015
%
"I'd better save first" is often the gamer's version of "hold my beer".
	―Coryan, Jul 2016
%
On new years in 2020, instead of wearing those novelty glasses in the shape of
the year, people should wear no glasses.
	―Titonco, Aug 2014
%
Antivirus programs should be put into a 'Hunger Games' style combat, all
installed on one PC and all told each other is a virus. The winner is the one
still working.
	―twingivings, Dec 2015
%
Religious people that haven't read their Holy books are basically clicking
"Agree" without reading the Terms and Conditions
	―Batman4815, Sep 2016
%
In 40 years, there will be a teenage girl lying on her bed wearing vintage Ugg
Boots, Listening to Katy perry or Justin Bieber saying she was born in the
wrong generation.
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
People who say "Family First" or "Family Is Everything" almost always have the
most fucked up family dynamics.
	―Got_That_Suga, Mar 2016
%
r/canada should be given an exception and have been named o/canada
	―bootselectric, Sep 2016
%
If I was 5 years old, I wouldnt understand 99% of the explanations offered in
ELI5.
	―ExProxy, Feb 2015
%
2015 is a delightfully palindromic binary number 11111011111
	―manmadegod-, Feb 2015
%
I never understood how people could kill their loved ones over money or
property until I played Monopoly.
	―StatVortex, Aug 2016
%
Reading a book is interpretting ink stains on shreds of a dead tree and
hallucinating about it.
	―3lihu, Jun 2015
%
'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' would be the worst hangman
phrase ever.
	―breadstickez, Mar 2015
%
Taylor Swift doesn't think Spotify pays enough, so none of her music is on the
service. As a result, I download it illegally for free and listen to it on the
Spotify app. I'm still listening to it on Spotify and she is making nothing
	―ICED_TEA_PIONEER, Nov 2015
%
I like Reddit because I feel like I'm having conversations with minds and
thoughts, not profile pictures and "look what I'm doing." Thanks for being
you, Reddit.
	―new_word, Apr 2015
%
Nothing is on fire, fire is on things
	―saltytears24, Jun 2016
%
I miss the days when bottle caps told you explicitly if you were a winner or
not.
	―HOT_BLACK_CLAM, Sep 2015
%
If you forget to add the second " to a quote, you're citing for the rest of
your life.
	―No_Backup, Aug 2016
%
It's not possible for Wolverine to get circumcised
	―WithOrWithoutJews, Jul 2014
%
Hearing my voice on a recording makes me want to apologize to everyone I've
ever spoken to
	―Mus_tee, Mar 2016
%
50% of Canada is the letter 'A'
	―16th, Dec 2013
%
When I picture the Middle Ages in my head, I also imagine people casting
spells and fighting dragons, even though I know none of that ever happened in
real life.
	―EvolusTheEspeon, Oct 2016
%
Why does Sally sell seashells down by the seashore? That seems like the place
demand would be lowest and supply the highest. Economics 101 Sally.
	―Phister_BeHole, Jan 2015
%
I bet giraffes never have to smell their own farts
	―Blaze_108, Feb 2015
%
Just realised "fortnight" is short for fourteen nights
	―yorkiecd, Nov 2015
%
Maybe the reason Garfield hates Mondays, is because that's when Jon goes back
to work.
	―trampabroad, May 2016
%
If I break a bottle of wine at the supermarket, and I'm underage, they can't
legally make me pay for it...
	―ASmallCrane, Nov 2014
%
Some guy named frank must have been very straight forward.
	―[deleted], Jan 2014
%
Car companies should periodically produce replicas of iconic cars with EXACTLY
the same exterior design specifications but modern internal engineering and
instruments.
	―Mwpetes, Oct 2016
%
Dying of old age is basically saying death by survival.
	―stupidcasey, Oct 2016
%
A billionaire could give me %.01 of his wealth and change my life while he is
virtually unaffected.
	―Loaatao, Jan 2014
%
The last two digits of your parent's birth year is the age you will be when
they are as old as your birth year's last two digits.
	―BellcampM, Dec 2014
%
Of 7 billion, I am my dog's favorite person on the planet.
	―ghrew, Sep 2015
%
Now that "hoverboard" is taken, real hoverboards should be called McFlys.
	―infez, Mar 2016
%
My chemistry textbook is just atoms trying to explain atoms to me.
	―quikslvr223, Apr 2016
%
Old people complain about young people being too loud, but when you ask them a
question they say they can't hear you.
	―brookshanes, Apr 2016
%
Norton AntiVirus is more annoying than actually having a virus
	―Queef5, Jun 2014
%
Disney has really given millions of young girls an unrealistic picture of how
men should be.
	―Ah_You_So_Stupid, Dec 2014
%
I've never payed a penny to Reddit in my three years of using it. Reddit
doesn't owe me anything and they can do whatever the fuck they want.
	―iamsam29, Jul 2015
%
With RDJ and Benedict Cumberbatch in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there
should be a scene where someone says "No shit sherlock" and both RDJ and
Cumberbatch look around confused
	―16jbuda, Aug 2015
%
Using baby wipes to clean up after sex is very literal
	―alexmat, Jul 2016
%
If 9/11 had happened in July, Seven-Eleven would have been screwed.
	―kritinka, May 2016
%
Subways are like the world's shittiest roller coasters.
	―Flstandantilus, Sep 2016
%
Netflix asking "Are you still watching___" is like a bar tender saying you've
had a little to much to drink.
	―thedfrichtel, Jul 2014
%
Should dumping your partner by text be called exting?
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
Ariana Grande sounds like a Taco Bell combo meal.
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
A vacuum is one of the only items where "collecting dust" means you actually
use it.
	―JiminyWillikerz, Apr 2016
%
When someone says "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart", all I'm hearing is
you're not smart.
	―WIPackerGuy, Oct 2016
%
The difference between being a drop in the ocean and a unique snowflake is how
cool you are.
	―CLBUK, Jun 2014
%
If you were to walk around the earth, your head would travel a significant
distance farther than your feet.
	―lemonsandpickles, Jul 2015
%
If having sex on an airplane puts you in the mile high club, does having sex
on a subway put you in the six foot under club?
	―therealjamiev, Jul 2014
%
When saying the phrase "Ctrl + Alt + Del", people never use the full version
of Alt.
	―Crowdfunder101, Sep 2015
%
I piss and moan about spending $0.99 on an app for the rest of my phone's
life, but don't think twice about adding guac for $1.95 on one burrito.
	―Laudaaa, Oct 2016
%
When my kitten playfully tries to bite my wrist he's probably instinctively
going for my hands "neck".
	―Onzi, May 2014
%
I wonder how many times locking your door has actually been neccesary
	―CaptainPissLegs, Mar 2016
%
If Voldemort really wanted to kill harry potter the night the spell didn’t
work on him he could’ve just picked him up and thrown him out a window given
the fact that he was a one year old infant.
	―missinganthropy, Dec 2013
%
Whenever you dig up dirt or a rock, that could be the first time it has seen
the sun in millions of years.
	―sjblake83, Feb 2014
%
Reverse anger management should be a thing. Some people need to learn how to
stop giving a fuck and get angry once in a while.
	―yousuckbananas, Oct 2014
%
Technically, it's impossible to skip breakfast. The first time you eat during
a day is when you 'break your fast'.
	―scadrafein, May 2014
%
A change machine always contains the same amount of money.
	―doomed_ficus, Aug 2014
%
A broken clock is guaranteed to be right twice a day, but you could have a
completely functional clock that's never right.
	―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2015
%
I know my way around the Grand Theft Auto maps way better than I do the city
I've lived in for the last 20 years.
	―suntzu4u, Jan 2016
%
If you ever go to prison, don't say you have AIDS to avoid being raped,
because that means your ass is open season to people with actual AIDS who will
want to rape you.
	―ughalready, Jul 2015
%
"Subaru" spelled backwards is "u r a bus".
	―_emordnilaP, Feb 2014
%
Horses must be the most farted upon creatures in the whole world.
	―ZebulonHart, May 2014
%
The words "Tokyo" and "Kyoto" can be written together infinitely, like this:
Tokyotokyotokyotokyo...
	―shivj80, Jul 2016
%
When you're alive, it's air conditioning. When you're dead, it's
refrigeration.
	―arub, Jul 2014
%
There should be a "REPOST" option on all posts. If enough people click it, the
post is automatically deleted and the original post takes its place.
	―kooter67, Jan 2015
%
If a girl likes water she already likes 75% of me
	―randomstew, Nov 2015
%
99% of quality posts are never actually posted because the author thinks twice
before posting and says "Fuck it, I have better things to do."
	―DoubleGSpot, Nov 2014
%
Facebook game requests are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet.
	―Protoncube, Jun 2014
%
Whenever I see "TL;DR", I smile because of the happy, winking guy in the
middle of it.
	―Sunshiny_Day, Mar 2016
%
If someone says "I'm gay" over and over people would think "oh we know, shut
up about it." But if a person says "I'm straight" over and over again people
would think they're gay.
	―logangrey123, Apr 2016
%
Samuel L. Jackson is to Quentin Tarantino films, what Johnny Depp is to Tim
Burton movies.
	―Shatrick, Dec 2015
%
Taylor Swift has a hundred songs about break ups and zero songs about blow
jobs. Coincidence?
	―FunPunishment, Jan 2016
%
"Emoticons" sound like a group of sensitive Transformers
	―evilkaos, Jan 2016
%
I can spend $2 almost every day on my morning coffee and it's nothing but
spending $0.99 on an app seems just outrageous.
	―LTCEMT, Sep 2016
%
We now pay gyms for the privilege of doing the manual labor we once had to do
in order to get paid.
	―Bombingofdresden, Aug 2014
%
If you worship cows, you probably don't eat cows. But if you worship Jesus,
you probably eat Jesus.
	―r3dd1t0r77, Jun 2015
%
Every time you cut a corner you make two more.
	―Malikza, May 2016
%
The NSFW image color should be different if it is sexy or gory
	―mango9791, Jun 2016
%
I am more interested in the thoughts of strangers on Reddit than any of my
friend's tweets or Facebook statuses.
	―molive333, Aug 2016
%
All of the planets in Star Wars have the exact same gravitational pulls.
	―[deleted], May 2014
%
It's ironic that Reddit is on the verge of revolution during the 4th of July
weekend
	―I_Might_Be_Crazy_But, Jul 2015
%
Google should tell you if you're the first person to ever Google something.
	―Evo7, Jan 2015
%
If someone uses there, their, or they're incorrectly, I immediately assume I'm
smarter than them based off of one mistake.
	―LegendOfKhaos, Jun 2016
%
Someone is going to be that guy that dies an hour before we discover aliens
for the first time.
	―boblawslaw, Sep 2015
%
Why did the Empire bother to compact their garbage if they just ejected it
into space anyway?
	―AMeanCow, Oct 2014
%
My therapist and my IT guy likely know an equal amount of embarrassing things
about me.
	―ireloyal, Apr 2015
%
Isn't redesigning Barbie just forcing her to conform to someone else's
standard of beauty?
	―BridgetteBane, Jan 2015
%
Dane Cook is the Nickelback of stand-up comedians.
	―copperbl, Sep 2015
%
Soldiers are harder to spot when they're not wearing camouflage.
	―Stangboy, Nov 2015
%
Girls can't find their hairclip, but they remember what you said exactly 2 yrs
ago at 2:13am
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
For hetero males, birthday sex is celebrating the day you came out of a vagina
by going back into one.
	―[deleted], Feb 2014
%
Its 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
	―Thejailer, May 2015
%
In Back To The Future II, Marty McFly travels to 21 OCT 2015. As of today, we
have only one week left for the franchise to feature time-travel into the
future. After that, all the BTTF films will feature Marty travelling into the
past from our perspective.
	―ask_if_im_pikachu, Oct 2015
%
Today I beat my personal record for most days lived
	―Elronnd, Aug 2016
%
The reason women seem more interested in you when you're already in a
relationship is because you act more confident and naturally, since you're not
trying to consciously impress them anymore.
	―Gheiter, Sep 2014
%
Hooters should do a home delivery service and call it 'Knockers'
	―xonomad, Sep 2014
%
If you are bored you should start studying because you will immediately find
something more amusing to do
	―JunSnu, Apr 2015
%
Stacy is probably hotter than her mom by now
	―catshit_breath, Oct 2015
%
If a girl likes water, she already likes 75% of me
	―TophTater, Jun 2016
%
Why do people say "tuna fish" when they don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken
bird"?
	―KaptainH, Nov 2013
%
Anyone who smokes can take multiple breaks in the work day to feed their
addiction, but if I play ONE game of Hearthstone...
	―Randomd0g, Sep 2015
%
2020 is only six years away.
	―mydickisgigantic, Feb 2014
%
When Alex Trebek finally retires from hosting Jeopardy, he should make one
last appearance...as a contestant
	―seravasi, Jan 2015
%
The only thing keeping radio alive is automobiles.
	―Solyndros, Mar 2015
%
Isn't a babies 1st birthday actually their 2nd?
	―aSadStateOfAffairs, May 2016
%
Do you think it's company policy at Microsoft to say "I binged it" instead of
"I googled it"?
	―zebabw, Feb 2015
%
50% of Canada is the letter "a"
	―Krishna_Po, Jul 2015
%
Your water purifier being broken is both a first-world problem and a
third-world problem.
	―bloop321, Mar 2016
%
The kind of police force that honestly can't figure out Bruce Wayne is Batman,
probably serves the type of city that needs Batman
	―TerdVader, Aug 2016
%
I usually take two poops a day at work, around 5 minutes each. I work 6 days a
week. I get paid 13 dollars an hour. I poop for 1 hour a week. There are 52
weeks in a year. I make $676 dollars a year solely by pooping.
	―LargeKidWithAIDS, Feb 2014
%
If Busta Rhymes was a wizard battling in the world of Harry Potter, he would
take out all the bad guys before they could finish the first syllable of their
spells.
	―madeyouangry, Jul 2016
%
If you're an older twin, you can call your sibling every day and say "Back
when I was your age" and tell then something you did 10 minutes ago
	―SilverMoonSheWolf, Apr 2016
%
If they re-shot the new Ghostbusters trailer with all males, I would still
hate it
	―BigOl-J, Mar 2016
%
I could increase my productivity tenfold by changing the title of my to-do
list to "Active Quests"
	―LordNuggetIV, Jul 2016
%
How fast a car can go from 100-0 is probably more important than how fast it
can get from 0-100.
	―ubuntulive, Jul 2016
%
I have two boys. One of their penises resembles my own, the other doesn't. I
can only surmise that that is what my wife's junk would look like if she were
a man.
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
I'm more willing to spend $15 on a lunch than on a shirt that will last me
years.
	―xrex64, May 2016
%
I'm pretty sure I've never pressed the "7" button on my microwave
	―Piefecta, Aug 2016
%
The term anal bleaching is a bit crude. Why not 'change your ringtone'?
	―pdfclef, Nov 2015
%
PornHub employees are the only people in the world who would rush to the porn
tab when their boss walks by
	―cptrazek, Aug 2016
%
10/10 of us think we won't be the one to get hit by that bus.
	―Pgozur, Dec 2014
%
Eminem should make a line of sunglasses and call them Slim Shadys
	―semanc, Apr 2015
%
When I buy a pizza, it comes in a sturdy corrugated box. When I buy a cake, it
comes in a flimsy box that tries to kill the cake.
	―datums, Jun 2016
%
What if Apple's Google glass competitor is called iBrowse and looks like
eyebrows?
	―NothingIsFuckedHere, Jan 2014
%
There should be an episode of Big Bang Theory where they are sitting around
watching Big Bang Theory but it has different actors and they are ridiculing
the scientific inaccuracies in the show they are watching.
	―00wabbit, Aug 2015
%
There should be a website where you can enter all of your measurements and
find out what clothing brands will likely fit you best.
	―MixesItWithLove, Feb 2015
%
If I'm illegally downloading something with satellite Internet, wouldn't that
make me a space pirate?
	―jandk23, Dec 2015
%
If M. Night Shyamalan's next film doesn't have a twist at the end, I'll
consider it as his biggest twist.
	―BlondieClashNirvana, Feb 2016
%
Reddit is like the group of cool kids that are always up to speed with what's
trending, all hang out together, and laugh at their inside jokes and I'm the
guy who tags along and tries to get into the group but fails everytime.
	―ThereW0LF, Oct 2016
%
My personal email is used 1% for email and 99% for logging into random shit
	―Narksdog, Oct 2016
%
reddit gold is a bit weird. If some stranger made a good point in conversation
I wouldn't give them money
	―kieranaway, Feb 2014
%
"The Netherlands" sounds more like the name of a fictional fantasy-novel
country than a real place.
	―Taman_Should, Mar 2016
%
It's weird that people who smoke probably go out and get more fresh air than I
do
	―SchoettleBus, Aug 2015
%
If we find aliens I hope that'd be the impetus to clean up the planet...just
out of embarrassment.
	―solo_a_mano, Oct 2015
%
If I think in my own voice, does my dog think in his own barks?
	―Wishful_Traveler, Apr 2015
%
I wonder when someone will make a movie or TV series with a gay lead character
whose sexuality isn't important to the plot.
	―Rhodoferax, Apr 2014
%
No cancer patient ever "loses" their battle with cancer. The worst they can do
is a draw because if they die the cancer dies too.
	―[deleted], May 2014
%
If weights were invisible, the gym would look like a terrible slow-motion
rave.
	―LeviGodolphin02, Dec 2014
%
Growing up doesn't mean that the teenage angst stops, you just stop making a
scene about it because you realise nobody cares.
	―actually_crazy_irl, Jan 2016
%
I didn't know how many of my FB friends were experts on gorillas/zoo-keeping
until this week.
	―Shatnerwilliams, Jun 2016
%
If anyone was given the challenge to fall asleep in 10 minutes in exchange for
a million dollars, almost everyone would fail miserably.
	―MeGustaUsername, Dec 2013
%
10 years ago staring videos online was a pain due to buffering, now it's a
pain due to having to watch 2 commercials first.
	―AiBiCi, Apr 2016
%
If you were in zero gravity having sex, you wouldn't know whether you were
doing doggystyle or reverse cowgirl
	―thisisgonnabewhite, Jan 2015
%
The Google Maps car should play ice cream truck music so Street View will be
filled with pictures of disappointed children.
	―topherker, Oct 2015
%
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies, you'd almost think it was
built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
The love of my life could have been caught in a condom.
	―Cmille19, Nov 2014
%
Swiss Army knives should have a blank blade on them that can be cut into a key
	―chuckalob, Feb 2015
%
Are Medusa's pubes also snakes??
	―PressStart2Cont, Sep 2016
%
My dogs eat random sidewalk turds, fauna&flora and lick as many
unmentionables as possible: and is 100% fine. Yet I feed them a new
supermarket brand dog food pellets and they puke all over the kitchen floor.
	―crowdata, Nov 2015
%
You should be able to punch one person a year in the face without
repercussions, people would be a lot less douchey if they thought they might
get punched in the face at anytime.
	―SomedayISuppose, Dec 2014
%
If we could smell over the Internet /r/wtf would be a much scarier place.
	―JugglerCameron, Aug 2015
%
The one thing they explicitly warn you not to do with a Q-tip is literally the
only thing I have ever done with a Q-tip
	―skatecarter, Feb 2016
%
Rappers come in two sizes, big and lil.
	―masauce, Nov 2014
%
If men had the relatively easy option to get a penis implant the way women can
get breast implants I bet there would be a ton of comically sized penises.
	―heyitsgeoff, May 2015
%
Good drivers should be allowed to level up and gain new abilities, like left
on red lights when no traffic is around
	―jtoeman, Oct 2016
%
No matter how terribly you abuse your body, it tries it's absolute best to
heal and take care of you.
	―[deleted], May 2014
%
The word 'immature' spells 'I'm mature'
	―_holdencaufield, Aug 2014
%
Parking tickets are the opposite of "innocent until proven guilty." You're
presumed guilty unless you can go to court and prove your innocence.
	―uterus_not_uteryou, Jan 2015
%
Police dog is K-9 (canine). If cats were trained they would be K-10 (kitten)
	―Crakit, Sep 2014
%
This is the most recent sentence you have read.
	―AlfenPotatoes, Jan 2015
%
If you ever drop food on yourself when going out for dinner, you can easily
play it off by saying "looks like dinner's on me tonight"
	―thepowerman, Oct 2013
%
Matilda is the G version of Carrie.
	―Astrokiwi, Aug 2014
%
My job could easily be automated. The only reason it isn’t is because it would
cost too much. That means a robot won't even work for my salary
	―fingercup, Feb 2016
%
If a place where the road splits is a "fork in the road", would a cul-de-sac
be a spoon in the road?
	―RedTheSnapper, Jul 2014
%
The old me, is actually the young me.
	―Goats_in_my_bum, May 2016
%
When I was a kid I thought the History Channel was boring. Now the programs
are so ridiculous I wish they'd start showing real documentaries again
	―Icameforsloth, Dec 2014
%
A buttload of dildos is only one dildo
	―suharrr, Aug 2015
%
I've had a 3D printer in my kitchen for about 15 years, but it only makes
waffles.
	―DagFizz, Mar 2014
%
Since the new Iron Man is a female they should change the title to FeMale.
	―delusional-thomas, Jul 2016
%
Babies are just a parasitic STD that, after 9months of sucking on a woman's
nutrients, grows strong enough to leave the womb and instead feed on your
financial resources.
	―scvannost, Apr 2014
%
When Apple comes out with a device to compete with Google Glass they should
call it the iPatch.
	―alexinawe, Feb 2015
%
In t-shirt sizes, XL > L > M, but it's the opposite in roman numerals
	―paperhat, Feb 2015
%
If a zombie outbreak happened on Halloween, the resulting post apocalyptic
world would be much more visually interesting.
	―Wasabi_Nasal_Spray, Oct 2015
%
When you're a kid and somebody swears, you're like "dude, don't swear, there
are adults around." As an adult when someone swears you're like "dude, don't
swear, there are kids here."
	―SpooningThemSoftly, Jul 2016
%
If we had 53 states, a prime number, we really would be "one nation
indivisible"...
	―ParthS, Jun 2014
%
Somewhere on tinder, there is endless bot conversations, but us humans can't
see.
	―abolish_karma, Feb 2015
%
They should make fun, adult-sized, adult-only playgrounds. More people would
get exercise that way.
	―[deleted], May 2015
%
In the future, everybody's self-driving cars will drive slowly around the
block all day to avoid buying parking tickets.
	―Auzy, Feb 2016
%
In Kanye West song "Hell of a life", he says he think he fell in love with a
porn star. Technically he did.
	―lolarious26, Jan 2015
%
On 9/11, I remember how the country came together. 15 years later, I don't
think it's been further apart.
	―MediocreIntelligence, Sep 2016
%
In addition to best seller lists, Amazon should also have "most returned"
lists
	―suchamazewow, Oct 2016
%
Read rhymes with lead and read rhymes with lead, but read doesn't rhyme with
lead and read doesn't rhyme with lead.
	―Deepsea225, Apr 2014
%
The fact that the first person they suspect after someone is murdered is the
spouse tells me everything I need to know about marriage.
	―xproofx, Jul 2014
%
Tom Cruise is 53 years old. His first wife is now 59. His second wife is now
48. His third wife is now 36. His current girlfriend is 22. Soon he will be
dating a prepubescent girl. (Or boy.)
	―girlminuslife, Jul 2015
%
If I played my life like a game I'd probably be a lot better at it.
	―jb2386, May 2016
%
If humans ever become enslaved by Artificial intelligence the Amish are going
to be so pissed.
	―Caythen, Jun 2015
%
A "Humans" episode of How Its Made would make for a hilarious sex ed video.
	―thesurlyengineer, Jul 2016
%
After 20 years I've only just realised we sing the alphabet to twinkle twinkle
little star.
	―audia3162, Jul 2016
%
What if the ancient Egyptians didn't actually worship cats, they only jokingly
did, in the form of an ancient meme.
	―Dreamlite, Sep 2016
%
South Park needs an episode about Martin Shkreli called "Shkreli's Deli,"
where he buys out the food in town, owns a store and jacks up the prices on
his sandwiches, causing starvation and misery.
	―prezbotyrion, Feb 2016
%
Most of us will die with a 0:1 KD ratio
	―cheesewizz12, Feb 2014
%
If you marry someone who is the opposite of you politically, neither of you
will ever have to vote because the votes would cancel each other out
	―satchmole, May 2014
%
In 2015 my car is probably safer from thieves by being a stick-shift rather
than having a car alarm.
	―ReckoningGotham, Sep 2015
%
I also have a teardrop tattoo for every person I've killed.
	―AndrewDCF, Feb 2016
%
The word "Queue" has 4 unnecessary letters
	―fired334, Jul 2014
%
Saying "Ebola" on a plane is the new equivalent to saying "bomb"
	―inspectordexter, Oct 2014
%
The first woman to ever have twins must have been really confused.
	―IdSporkYouSoGood, Feb 2016
%
Imagine how creepy it would be if babies could cry from inside the womb
	―camdoodlebop, Mar 2015
%
The NSFW tag for showerthoughts is essentially useless
	―Mage_of_Shadows, Sep 2015
%
YouTube became popular because people hated the commercial network
format. YouTube is slowly becoming a commercial network.
	―hahahehejaja, Aug 2016
%
The War on Drugs probably has more POW's than any actual war.
	―AceOfDrafts, Jun 2014
%
Star Wars spoilers should be called wookieeleaks
	―Almost_sober, Dec 2015
%
The word "bitch" is used to describe people of either gender who possess
negative traits of the other.
	―skippwhy, Mar 2014
%
Tolkien died in 1973. Turn that around and you get 3791. Three Rings for the
Elven-kings under the sky,Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of
stone,Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,One for the Dark Lord on his dark
throne.
	―Elijahs-Wood, Nov 2015
%
Cats dominate the internet, rather than dogs, because dog-people have to go
out more often.
	―CaesarS-a-lad, Dec 2015
%
Ventriloquists can probably hold a conversation with their dentist through an
appointment
	―Cookingsouls, Mar 2016
%
Stan Lee might die any day now and I'm not mentally prepared for that
	―ianelinon, Oct 2014
%
The phrase "potato potato, tomato tomato" is really fucking dumb when you
spell it out.
	―WritersLego, Mar 2016
%
Vampires should be called hemogoblins.
	―viceroyofmontecristo, Feb 2014
%
In 9 months, I bet that we'll see a spike in the German birth rate.
	―[deleted], Jul 2014
%
The best way to honor a woman who worked a lifetime to end human trade, is to
put her on currency, so she can be legally traded..Harriet Tubman
	―charper732, Apr 2016
%
No one is surprised the wealthy and powerful evade taxes, everyone is
flabbergasted that they actually got caught.
	―Rafterman21, Apr 2016
%
I used to look at my Grandfather carving with a knife and thought he was a
master carpenter. He'd look at me with a computer and think I was a software
engineer
	―thwappy, Sep 2016
%
An AskReddit post is a reverse AMA
	―foxtrui, Apr 2014
%
If you're pregnant with a boy, you are a woman who's growing a penis.
	―fabiofighter, Oct 2015
%
Eating a potato is pretty Irish, but so is not eating a potato.
	―jcmack13, Jun 2015
%
"Prostitution is the only job you can charge more for having no prior
experience in the work"
	―NvrGonnaGiveYouUp, Jul 2015
%
Happy Scottish Dependance Day
	―Traitor-joes, Sep 2014
%
Stan Lee's cameo in Avengers 2 should have been him as a janitor in Stark
Tower and he lifts Mjolnir so he can dust under it
	―Uncle_Cheech, Jan 2016
%
GoFundMe should automatically put up rejected ideas on a wall of shame called
"GoFundYourself."
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
If an adult had told me as a child that they secretly don’t have a clue what
they’re doing, growing up would have been a lot less of a shock.
	―ulaalaa, Feb 2016
%
When I was a kid, I thought "don't make me come up there!" was a threat. Now
that I have kids, I realize it's a plea.
	―TooLazyToBeClever, Sep 2016
%
On Reddit, males see other commenters as male until proven female.
	―AbortedFrappuccino, Aug 2014
%
If Centaurs were real, "naysayer" might be a racial slur.
	―PirateMunky, Feb 2015
%
"One man's junk is another man's treasure" needs to be put on a nice big sign
at a pride parade.
	―BruceRee33, Feb 2016
%
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing"
means it was good.
	―simz1437, Mar 2016
%
I just realized I'm a "service human" for my rescue dog with ptsd.
	―Youandmcgregor, Jul 2016
%
I wonder if somewhere in Japan there are Japanese teenagers saying to each
other; "Have you seen American porn?!? That shit is fucked UP, dude."
	―StrangerinPublic, Dec 2014
%
I should start a deliver company where hooters girls deliver your food, and
call it "Knockers"
	―Jaywoah, May 2013
%
Every time you have McDonald's as a kid, it's a victory. Every time you have
McDonald's as an adult, it's a defeat.
	―db7894, Nov 2015
%
Pluto wasn't even a planet for a full year on pluto
	―TheHamgurgler, May 2016
%
Every upvote you've ever gotten was given to you by someone with a life as
complex and full as yours who liked your comment.
	―Klaviatur, Mar 2014
%
I don't understand the human race. People eat each other's assholes, but won't
eat the end piece of bread in a bag
	―MattyMcdaddy, Aug 2014
%
r/nofap is one big circle jerk over not jerking off
	―liltormented, Oct 2014
%
"Child porn" is the only phrase in the English language that I'd be genuinely
afraid to type into Google.
	―pix_elle, Sep 2016
%
We are lucky to have our ears are at the perfect height for wearing glasses
	―Pylly, Nov 2015
%
If my dog pees on a tree to mark his territory, does he think my family is
having a turf war over our bathroom?
	―DevilsAdvocate1217, Apr 2016
%
Isn't it weird that we don't see more dead people just out on the sidewalk or
in a store? I see hundreds of people a day. You'd think some of them would
drop dead in front of me occasionally.
	―octobertwins, Sep 2015
%
My lawn drinks cleaner water than most of the world.
	―snatchiw, Jul 2016
%
Life is like a box of chocolates; An emotional woman can destroy one in 5
minutes
	―ZeusThunder369, Mar 2015
%
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions is an affirmation of
how unoriginal all my problems are.
	―526564646974_, Sep 2016
%
If you're one in a million, then there are 7000 people just like you
	―onanygivensunday, Apr 2016
%
I am 13.7 billion years old according to law of mass conservation.
	―theploop, Nov 2015
%
The word "thing" and the word "night" use all the same letters, but none of
the letters make the same sound in both.
	―TheDutchWonder, Feb 2016
%
Schools don't teach kids how to eat because we've always assumed that they'd
learn it at home. But that's clearly not the case, since most parents are
overweight. Therefore, the educational system should start teaching kids about
nutrition from a young age.
	―dustofoblivion123, Jul 2016
%
15 years ago, when the internet consisted mostly of chatting with strangers, I
dreamed of hyper-realistic video games. But know that we have those, I spend
most of my time talking to strangers on Reddit.
	―lcq92, Jun 2015
%
If you wash the dirt from a fallen ice cube, you are washing your water with
water in hope that there's only water on the water you will add to your water
	―FUCKING_HATE_REDDIT, May 2016
%
It's amazing how often "turn it off then turn it back on again" actually
solves the problem.
	―Malibu_Snackbar, Sep 2016
%
Puns are "inside jokes" for entire languages.
	―LFBR, Jun 2014
%
We use the phrase "shark-infested waters" as if they aren't supposed to be
there. We are the ones infesting shark-inhabited waters.
	―statusofliberty, Jul 2015
%
Was Bingo the name of the farmer or the dog?
	―MrSnoman, Jan 2016
%
I hope The Simpsons is cancelled before any of the main voice actors die
because a family death episode would be too weird
	―bigshittytruckdriver, May 2016
%
Saying "tunafish sandwich" is like saying "beefmammal burger"
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
Birthday sex is celebrating exiting a vagina by entering one.
	―_Not_Bruce_Wayne_, Sep 2015
%
Porn is the only industry where it is not only acceptable but standard to
separate people based on race, sex and sexual preference.
	―Badmirputin, Sep 2016
%
60% of the world population is Asian but I dont think I've ever seen a
pregnant Asian woman in real life
	―AmiriteClyde, Jan 2014
%
No wonder we have problems. We start each year by dropping the ball.
	―Ganon_Cubana, Jan 2015
%
Dr. Drake Ramoray might be the most well known character from Days of Our
Lives, and has never appeared on the show
	―Jblumhorst, Jun 2016
%
Not a single list online is important enough for me to deal with if it's a
slideshow instead of a scroll list
	―BoatsandCotes, Sep 2016
%
I measure my day's productivity by the amount of phone battery remaining when
I leave work.
	―drumdude0, Apr 2015
%
Know Your Meme is slowly becoming a historical document that will be required
reading by future civilizations to understand our writings.
	―Chouonsoku, Aug 2015
%
So many adult women are in love with the boys from One Direction. Imagine the
reaction if adult men were crazy over a band of teenage girls.
	―wtt90, Aug 2015
%
Why doesn't anyone ever come back from a near death experience claiming Hell
is for real?
	―TheReal_JimmyK, Oct 2015
%
Deciding to date your best friend is like betting double or nothing
	―dumpsterofdildos, Oct 2016
%
A foot away from me it's -5 degrees out... thank you house
	―SnipenBombs21, Jan 2015
%
If I buy a self driving car, and then sign up for UBER, i could make money
sitting at home doing nothing
	―An_aussie_in_ct, Jul 2015
%
Seeing your first and last name in the title of a Reddit post would probably
be pretty freaky. Yes, Joseph Martin, I'm talking to you.
	―itsokimstupid, May 2016
%
If you park next to someone parked like an asshole and they leave, you're the
new asshole
	―6squareddabsmaf, Aug 2016
%
Santa Claus is the idea of God, dumbed down for children. He see's all, if you
are not good you get coal(go to hell), if you are good you get presents(go to
heaven), and the idea is to keep you under control for the people in power(the
parents).
	―gigabyteIO, Dec 2014
%
Judging by all the great loot to be found in every dungeon-filled fantasy
game, those worlds are filled with multiple races with tremendous respect for
the dead, never disturbing their rest. Then you come along...
	―Pharmdawg, Dec 2015
%
If you got your tongue stuck in a mouse trap, you'd start pronouncing it mouth
trap, and that is also what it would be, and that is pleasing
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
Our hair turning gray is like our body running out of ink.
	―ObtuseRightTriangle, Mar 2015
%
The sentence "NO DOGS ALLOWED; guide dogs excepted." has the same meaning as
"NO DOGS ALLOWED; guide dogs accepted." even though accepted and excepted have
opposite meanings
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
Pop-stars aren't really artists, they are just instruments for producers.
	―jaysteven1337, Jan 2015
%
If a baby is born at 1 AM EST in New York (10 PM PST the previous day), and a
baby is born one hour later in Los Angeles (11 PM PST, 2 AM EST), the second
child born is legally older, while actually being an hour younger.
	―TheOrganicMachine, Jul 2015
%
A TV channel where all the shows are set in the same universe.
	―[deleted], Feb 2013
%
Deviled Eggs seem like an inappropriate food for Easter.
	―flipsideCREATIONS, Apr 2014
%
I can't be the only one that is sick of pretending to be sad when a famous
person that had no impact on my life dies.
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
Between my drinking, language, and having sex with my wife, my life would be
rated R.
	―imonlinedammit, Jul 2014
%
A baseball signed by me is worth less than an unsigned baseball
	―Crando, Jan 2016
%
My parents were once young, scared shitless, and just trying to find their way
in the world. They fought sleep deprivation, made huge financial sacrifices,
and were always there for me. I really should have done the dishes more.
	―Cheeetooos, Sep 2016
%
Menus should include prep times so you can order based on how much time you
have to eat.
	―tgpo, Feb 2014
%
The Dursleys were mean and bitter because the had been exposed to a horcrux
for eleven years.
	―Nashad, Feb 2015
%
I bet mailmen sometimes try to get in to the passenger's side of their cars
after work.
	―GHenders, May 2014
%
Maybe fog is The Matrix having graphics card problems and is turning down the
draw distance
	―oxwearingsocks, Sep 2014
%
Why isn't Tinder's slogan "We have the tinder, all you need is a match?"
	―Sammydee123, May 2015
%
At one point in history there was someone who was the first to shoot a human
with a gun and kill them. They were literally the first person shooter.
	―Djerrid, Jan 2015
%
"I feel stupid and contagious" from Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana would
be a great slogan against the anti-vaccine movement.
	―jccad, Feb 2015
%
Mark Zuckerberg should donate $53 million to one of Taylor Swift's charities
and tweet a photo of the check @kanyewest
	―CornerCarving, Feb 2016
%
We live in a world where GTA is a kid's game and Candy Crush is an adult's
game
	―pilgrimnl, Oct 2016
%
Cinema seats should have headphone jack sockets so you can bring your own
headphones and not listen to the dick talking throughout the whole of
Foxcatcher.... Dick.
	―Benseed, Jan 2015
%
If men can "think with the wrong head" does that mean women "talk with the
wrong lips" sometimes?
	―captainobvious254, Feb 2016
%
How did hamsters ever survive in the wild?
	―Accio_Upvotes, Mar 2014
%
There should be a show called "Are you Smarter than an Adult?" meant to put
5th graders back in their place. They'd be asked questions like "What day are
taxes due?" and "Explain how the electoral college works.".
	―itsallhistory, Nov 2015
%
Who's crazier? A man who believes he has a talking dog? OR a man who ignores
consistently great advice from his dog?
	―Cyrax7, Aug 2015
%
Let's take a moment to appreciate that Mother Nature not only pre-sliced but
also pre-wrapped oranges.
	―Steel_Ninja, May 2013
%
Ants have succesfully colonised all continents except, ironically, Antarctica.
	―Lo0t, Dec 2014
%
For April fools day the Onion should become a perfectly regular news site
	―leothesilent, Mar 2016
%
People who say that 'Wikipedia can be edited by anyone to say anything' would
be greatly disappointed if they attempted to do so
	―jarghon, Apr 2016
%
So many gifs I've seen just make me wonder, "Why were you filming that in the
first place?"
	―trwwy321, Oct 2016
%
No matter how badly you mess up Benedoozle Cumberbombs name, people will still
know who you're talking about.
	―My_TNT_Antelope, Oct 2014
%
Dickbutt is a synonym for cocktail
	―largesttuna, Feb 2015
%
Five hours feels like an awful lot when you're awake, but precious little when
you're asleep
	―Azmek, Sep 2015
%
You are more likely to lose your job by being a dentist shooting a lion than a
cop shooting a person
	―sandrewj, Jul 2015
%
If we ever developed the technology to electronically send smells, the only
thing anyone would ever use it for is tricking your friends into smelling your
farts
	―IBeJizzin, Apr 2014
%
Spacesuits are literally made to protect astronauts from nothing
	―cyberk25, May 2014
%
Nothing is on fire, fire is on things
	―GuitarPerson159, Nov 2013
%
I wonder how many times I've been in a photo unintentionally and if people
have framed photos of me in their houses because I'm in the background of
their photo
	―Breadboy22, May 2014
%
Humans are Half-Centaur, Half-Minotaur
	―j0sh77, Apr 2015
%
Stan Lee should get himself filmed saying multiple lines with a green screen
background so even if he dies, he still appears in Marvel movies
	―GivingItYourAll, Nov 2015
%
When a deaf person gets their teeth cleaned, the tables are turned. They can
communicate freely while the hygienist is forced to stop working in their
mouth in order to communicate.
	―botosotf, Feb 2016
%
Porn is the only movie genre where most of the main characters are female
	―zehnfischer, Jun 2015
%
Whenever C-3P0 exclaimed "Thank the Maker!" in the original trilogy, he was
referring to Darth Vader.
	―JZA1, Oct 2015
%
I manage my money in a game better than I do in real life.
	―testglass, Aug 2016
%
Snails would be a lot scarier if they were fast.
	―phatmakgmc, Dec 2015
%
If you step on a person's foot they open their mouth, just like a trashcan
	―Pickle_Slinger, Sep 2016
%
The stupidest people I've met in my life had no idea they were stupid... so I
could be stupid too and not know it.
	―lookslikesinbad, Oct 2015
%
Can Chewbacca even say Chewbacca? Shouldn't his name be something like
Rawwwraaraar?
	―noreferencesleft, Mar 2014
%
If anyone should be pro-marijuana, it's the snack food industry.
	―TheGreenAbe, Apr 2016
%
Most of my adult life has been about solving problems I created for myself
between the ages of 16 and 26 ...
	―qui_tam_gogh, Sep 2016
%
Call of Duty games will continue to progress through history until the point
at which we're basically playing Halo
	―SlightPaddling, May 2016
%
This entire month is pi month.
	―kakacha, Mar 2014
%
Bars should have an area for designated drivers so all the sober people can
hang out with each other
	―coffee_cak3, May 2015
%
If marijuana ever does become legal, Ziploc is going to take quite a hit.
	―AboMoFo, Sep 2015
%
Medusa is the only female that can turn a guy off and get him rock hard at the
same time.
	―Real_Justin, Jun 2015
%
What if the only thing made in China was the sticker that said "Made in China"
	―BNASTYALLDAYBABY, May 2016
%
Maybe cats are jerks because God gave them the ability to lick their own
genitals but gave them a tongue like sandpaper.
	―BravoSherpa, Oct 2015
%
2016 is feeling more and more like that bit in the movies where the time
traveller accidentally kills a bug and when he returns, the world is not quite
right.
	―AMVRocks, Aug 2016
%
Whenever I talk to my co-workers at work we talk about our personal lives, but
whenever we hang out outside of work, we talk about work.
	―RVVill, Jul 2016
%
A crush is called a crush because he/she will most likely crush your feelings
	―U7m8b, Apr 2014
%
Maybe the rapture is happening and God is taking the best musicians first for
sound check before the party...
	―mrsenormonsieur, Apr 2016
%
If I'm ever being followed in a car, I'm gonna go to a fast food drive-thru
and test their commitment.
	―whatisthedealnow, Oct 2016
%
The Boston Tea party turned the entire ocean into a really, really weak cup of
tea.
	―kairoseki, Mar 2016
%
Apple is the Starbucks of technology. Hugely popular, cheaply made, and
everybody raves about it when it's not at all the best stuff on the market.
	―DrMaxhattan, Aug 2016
%
There should be a holiday called Galaxy Day. Where NASA shuts everything down
(no light pollution) and everyone goes outside to look at the stars.
	―Lenners234, Nov 2015
%
I wish The Cure would send cease and desist letters to the Susan G. Komen
Foundation
	―despalicious, Dec 2015
%
If I were immortal, I would have to be extra careful not to get trapped
somewhere with no way to get out.
	―jiveabillion, Mar 2016
%
If someone tells you that you're the pineapple to their pizza, you don't know
if it's a really good or really bad thing.
	―theavocadoparadox, Aug 2016
%
If a dick was like other muscles and got bigger through regular exercises,
gyms would be a lot weirder.
	―Ruarsome, Jun 2015
%
You know your job sucks if people get sentenced to do it as community service
	―PM_ME_COCK_OR_COOCH, Jun 2016
%
If you’re rich and you pay no taxes, you’re a genius. If you’re poor and you
pay no taxes, you’re a moocher.
	―dragontail, Oct 2016
%
American children under the age of about 7 or 8 don't know what it's like to
have a white man as president.
	―mishra1111, Jun 2014
%
If you cut Wolverine in half straight down the middle, and kept them separate,
would each half grow back, making two Wolverines?
	―MissAmberNichole, Jul 2015
%
Socializing is like going to the gym for me. I know it's good for me and once
I'm doing it, I actually enjoy it, but I will try every excuse in the book to
avoid it.
	―paradoximoron, Sep 2015
%
Can we crowdfund Mike Tyson to win Martin Shkreli "one punch in the face"
auction?
	―J33p3r5, Sep 2016
%
I think it would be funny when our kids turn 5 to tell them if they lie or
misbehave their teeth will start falling out
	―The_boo_boo_Monkey, Jun 2016
%
I have spent well over 120,000 hours wearing pants, and therefore according to
Malcolm Gladwell I am a complete master of the subject.
	―non_clever_name, Sep 2014
%
Some Scooby Doo episodes would be a lot shorter if they just went to the
costume store first and asked a couple of questions.
	―bradleypb, Jul 2015
%
Bill Cosby being a gynecologist in The Cosby Show makes a whole lot of sense
all of a sudden.
	―irish1983, Dec 2015
%
If we got "YOU ARE NOW MANUALLY BREATHING" to the front page, it would affect
a lot of people.
	―Max_Thunder, Feb 2015
%
Of the roughly 7 billion people on this planet, I've managed to capture your
attention
	―Hot_Shot_McGee, Oct 2016
%
Siri should respond to me at the same volume level that I spoke at.
	―forelius, Oct 2016
%
When my iPhone says "Siri not available" it should be in a voice other than
Siri's.
	―naturehatesyou, Feb 2015
%
Marvin the Martian was the ref in Space Jam because he's both an alien and a
Looney Toon - he's neutral.
	―juicefactor, Aug 2015
%
I really miss snapping my flip-phone shut
	―margaret_thacher, Sep 2015
%
The better the porn video, the less likely I am to see to the end of it.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
If I were invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a street mime...the amount of
applause he would get would be incredible
	―ratherenjoysbass, Dec 2014
%
Flossing is the opposite of masturbation. Nobody does it but everyone says
they do.
	―Trapsterz, May 2015
%
Every word is literally a made-up word.
	―Marvelerful, Nov 2015
%
All accounts should have a "I lied about my age before" option for when you
actually turn 18.
	―scottylime, Jul 2016
%
"Don't take the 'Christ' out of Christmas"... Roman pagans were probably
saying something equivalent when Christians hijacked their Saturnalia festival
& rebranded it as the birth of their savior.
	―rg216, Dec 2014
%
Chinese alphabet soup must be crazy.
	―Sathranath, Jun 2016
%
When I was a kid I thought finding worms in apples was going to be a much
bigger problem than it has turned out to be!
	―NewReddit101, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if people who have sex with animals care about the gender of said
animal. "I'd screw a pig but not a boy pig, I ain't gay."
	―_Clint-Beastwood_, Jul 2016
%
Technically, any drink that has calories is an energy drink.
	―AmazingKreiderman, Sep 2016
%
As an adult I don't procrastinate; I just straight out ignore my
responsibilities.
	―BlackBox-, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if 50% is considered a passing grade in meteorology school?
	―iwishiwasbritish, Mar 2014
%
If you pretend FOX news is a satire, it's like having colbert back..
	―FranciscoGalt, Aug 2015
%
Do Zubats think they're really strong because everyone runs away from them?
	―Shadowviper12, Aug 2015
%
Acquired taste is the Stockholm Syndrome of the flavor world.
	―therealjenks, Jan 2014
%
Youtube should add a feature where you can't like or dislike a video until
you've watched a certain percentage of the video's length
	―Black_Gotenks, Mar 2015
%
Airports should have post offices in them so you can mail home all the crap
you can't bring onto the plane
	―[deleted], Jan 2014
%
What if all 'senseless murderers' were actually heroes sent back in time to
assassinate people who would become Genocidal dictators in the future?
	―jvitkun, Sep 2014
%
Both 10 AM and 12 AM come before 11 AM
	―aaa937, Aug 2015
%
The shittier your camera, the higher chance you'll encounter some rare,
creepy, unidentified creature
	―lawful_neutral, Dec 2015
%
The difference between $0 and $1M seems significantly larger in my brain than
the difference between $1M and $2M.
	―timeformorecake, Apr 2016
%
Broth is like meat tea
	―ipwndurmom69, Apr 2016
%
Somewhere out there, there is a bottle of Cesar salad dressing with an
expiration date of March 15th.
	―Zodikosis, Mar 2014
%
The internet is full of cats because dog people go outside.
	―TheYoungThresh, May 2015
%
The worst part about food poisoning is that you paid for it.
	―cosmosomsoc, Apr 2016
%
Mick Jagger, 72, is having a kid, his 8th, with his 29 year old girlfriend,
who is 16 years younger than his oldest child, which is 45. But two moms or
two dads is too difficult to explain to a seven year old.
	―iamjamieq, Jul 2016
%
Reddit needs a youtube filter just like it's NSFW filter. There is nothing
worse than clicking a youtube link when you thought it was a gif.
	―Waldamos, Aug 2016
%
I wonder if Michelle and Barack are doing it in every nook and cranny of the
Whitehouse for one last time.
	―534578794249544348, Sep 2016
%
The number "0" is literally a portal that separates the positive and negative
numbers from each other
	―LMN-er, Apr 2014
%
"I've never watched any of your movies all the way to the end" is an insult
when you say it to a normal actor, but a complement when you say it to a porn
actor.
	―AFineWayToDie, Jun 2015
%
There are two types of people in this world. Those who clear remaining time
when they're done with the microwave, and monsters.
	―Sans_Snu_Snu, Apr 2016
%
dogs are the wolves who sold out to the man
	―morthond, Aug 2016
%
Religion is like a thousand year long game of telephone
	―delitomatoes, Oct 2014
%
All pregnant women are bodybuilders.
	―mistergoodpepper, Mar 2015
%
There should be a subreddit for road trips called "r/WeThereYet"
	―Rice4LifeAZN, Mar 2014
%
I want to see Bear Grylls survive living in San Francisco for a month on
minimum wage
	―helpprogram2, Nov 2015
%
David Bowie died, and a week later we have a new planet. I think he actually
was from outer space.
	―StrictlyForTheBirds, Jan 2016
%
All horror movies should show bloopers before credits so that you don't get
nigthmares after watching a really scary movie.
	―Unicorncorn21, Jul 2016
%
The phrase "I love you too" can be written as "I love you <3" as well.
	―Snudge, Jan 2014
%
When your grandmother says "That's nice dear." It's equivalent to "Cool story
bro."
	―ajax1264, Sep 2014
%
If one of the Muppets gives you a blowjob, are you getting a handjob as well?
	―JamesA91, Apr 2015
%
I bet more people would use the Gamblers Addiction Hotline if 1 out of every 5
callers got a prize.
	―Cat2Rupert, Aug 2016
%
As a redditor who doesn't play fallout I feel like a 1%er.
	―os-406, Nov 2015
%
If Bruce Willis dies from viagra overdose, the headline will read "Bruce
Willis Dies Hard"
	―dr721, Sep 2013
%
The Titanic's swimming pool is still full
	―Wark_Mahlberg, Aug 2015
%
/r/gonewild is the friend zone version of porn: girls want attention and
validation from the guys but they don't actually want anything to do with
them.
	―Captain-Cuddles, Sep 2015
%
I can make up any TIL I want and then link a really long Wikipedia page and
99% of Redditors will never actually read the wiki but will assume the fact is
true.
	―CapedDebater, Feb 2016
%
Humans have a 16 hour battery life
	―gavin92, Nov 2013
%
Lesbian Friends with Benefits should be called Breast Friends
	―Hoftrugh, Sep 2014
%
A boomerang warehouse hit with a tornado wouldn't lose any boomerangs.
	―Jony_Write, May 2015
%
Someone should organize a tribute show honoring Weird Al where the original
artists perform his parody versions of their songs for him.
	―SpookyGeek, Jul 2014
%
eBay is Pig Latin for be.
	―sassturkey, Jun 2014
%
Politicians should have to wear the logos of companies / interest groups that
they get money from on their suits like NASCAR drivers.
	―NudeTayneMNW, Dec 2014
%
Women's haircuts are considered good if people notice them; men's haircuts are
considered good if people don't notice them.
	―annoying_dumb_guy, Jan 2015
%
Why do adult sites have a share button? Who watches porn and then thinks 'dave
would fucking love this'
	―finlaww, Jan 2015
%
7 x 9 = 63, 8 x 8, which is in the middle, is 64, one more. This rule applies
to all 3 sequential numbers e.g. 4 x 6 = 24, 5 x 5 = 25
	―poringo, Jun 2014
%
Why don't pizza companies have icecream -style trucks drive around in the
evenings making pizzas on request? I would come running if I heard the Pizza
Van playing greensleeves in our street.
	―logocracycopy, Dec 2015
%
I have noticed that when all the lights are on, people tend to talk about what
they are doing – their outer lives. Sitting round in candlelight or firelight,
people start to talk about how they are feeling – their inner lives.
	―saraboulos, Sep 2015
%
The number 14233221 describes itself; it has one four, two threes, three twos,
and two ones.
	―shalomfrommo, Sep 2015
%
Five months ago, I was ecstatic when gas went below $2/gallon to
$1.90/gallon. Now I am pissed that it went from $1.70/gallon to $1.90/gallon
	―Elementaal, Mar 2016
%
Netflix needs a "This item will be removed in X days" so I can binge watch
shows in the right order.
	―TheFlyingPigSquadron, Sep 2016
%
When you "bite down" on something, you're actually "biting up" because you
can't move your top jaw
	―okspeck, Oct 2013
%
If Cindy Lou Who got her Ph.D., she would be Doctor Who.
	―Hyro0o0, Jan 2015
%
Horses went from pulling the cart to getting towed around in trailers. That's
a pretty good deal.
	―HornedRavenclaw, Aug 2016
%
Tesla should come out with a cologne called Elon Musk.
	―slapded, Dec 2014
%
'Dad Bod' should have been called Father Figure instead
	―rockinbo, Aug 2015
%
A cancer researchers job is to unemploy themselves
	―kevinfriedman6, May 2016
%
A 5 year old would never understand the top comment in any
/r/explainlikeimfive post
	―TheGameCouch, Oct 2016
%
When jogging, we put on special clothes so people don't think we are running
from or to something.
	―SoilworkFanatic, Jan 2014
%
Getting a blow job is literally having "the life sucked out of you."
	―idothisinmysleep, Oct 2015
%
My wife often repeats herself. I'm starting to wonder if I'm trapped in a
video game and I married an NPC.
	―Combat_crocs, Jun 2016
%
They should make episodes of How It's Made where they don't tell you what item
they are making until the end.
	―jzkhockey, Aug 2016
%
Water is just rusty hydrogen
	―TristanBomb, Feb 2016
%
Maybe the reason why fundamentalist religious types are always going on about
how films and video games are a bad influence is because they're the kind of
people who let their lives be dominated by a single book.
	―JurassicArc, May 2016
%
The only reason I read comments on Reddit is to find someone who has the same
reaction to a post as me but can communicate their thoughts better.
	―EthinicPlatypus, Oct 2016
%
When you lay a sand timer on its side, it looks like an infinity sign and the
timer stops
	―Eddie_14, May 2015
%
We named every moon in our solar system, but not our own.
	―Castigale, Jan 2016
%
Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that drives
you to a random location.
	―meflou, Mar 2016
%
I wonder if I've ever synced poops with Queen Elizabeth.
	―i_am_mr_solo_dolo, Sep 2014
%
If my wish that my son becomes Batman ever comes true, I won't be around to
see it happen.
	―RideWelland, Sep 2015
%
In 40 years when they remake the Harry Potter movies Daniel Radcliffe will
probably play a minor character and children won't believe you when you say
that he was Harry Potter once.
	―Pengqiao, Feb 2016
%
One hundred years ago, purchasing imported products from foreign countries
used to be considered an expensive luxury. Now purchasing products made in
your own country is an expensive luxury…unless you live in China.
	―FuneralWolves, May 2016
%
Most of the time bleeping out a curse word in a song is the only reason I knew
there was a curse word in the song
	―imusbbored, Sep 2016
%
If Taylor Swift did an AMA, it would be the perfect opportunity for a surprise
Kanye West AMA.
	―[deleted], Apr 2014
%
I wouldn't click an ad on Google, even if it's exactly what I was looking for.
	―Ayzkalyn, Jul 2016
%
You're not the first person to read this sentence, but you are the most
recent.
	―Ghosttwo, Oct 2016
%
Someone should sell a book on eBay called "How to scam people online" and
never ship it to customers.
	―iLucky12, Mar 2015
%
What if fetishes are inherited genetically but none of us know because we are
all too awkward and embarrased to admit them to our families.
	―bloopiedoobie, Apr 2015
%
I just realized today on the beach that sand is called sand because it's
between the sea and land
	―kiloquarter, Sep 2014
%
Very few things on Reddit are as useless as the NSFW tag on shower thoughts.
	―BudYetWiser, Feb 2016
%
At 4:16 p.m. and 16 seconds today, the date and time will be: 1/6/16 16:16:16.
	―Legato2001, Jan 2016
%
By going out in public, you're trusting hundreds or thousands of people to not
kill you
	―PeachHarvest, Apr 2016
%
Opening your eyes during a prayer is usually frowned upon by religious people,
but the only ones who will catch you doing it are the ones that do it
themselves.
	―SirFwissel, Jun 2016
%
Marshall Mathers. MM. M and M. Eminem. I am stupid.
	―wearebc, Oct 2015
%
The saying "you win some, you lose some" is only brought up when you lose one.
	―NurvPulse, Apr 2016
%
Interesting how you use a ladle to get broth and go to a brothel to get laid.
	―[deleted], Jun 2013
%
Being "up for pizza," "down for pizza," or "in for pizza," all mean that
you're "on board for pizza."
	―manic_lethargy, Nov 2015
%
Guns is another name for arms and arms is another name for guns.
	―BrightBurner, Apr 2016
%
Most women won't date a guy that still lives with his mom, but they will date
a guy that still lives with his wife.
	―MaddenMan73, Jul 2016
%
Suicide doesn't ends the pain. It passes to someone else.
	―dwightaroundya, Mar 2015
%
When we kill mosquitos after we notice they landed on us, we are naturally
selecting stealthy mosquitos to reproduce.
	―bapolex, Nov 2015
%
I spent my whole childhood wishing I was older. Now I'm older... and it sucks.
	―Tenselevel, Jul 2016
%
Everyone that you see in the grocery store is buying ingredients for poop.
	―KCG0005, Sep 2014
%
An entire generation of teenagers who do not know every word to the Fresh
Prince of Bel-Air theme song will soon exist.
	―danhainaut, Oct 2014
%
I cannot look at a word without reading it.
	―Blooobins, Dec 2014
%
It’s becoming more socially acceptable to be a marijuana smoker than a
cigarette smoker.
	―Dennis91Eric, Sep 2016
%
It should be a law that kids have to join the workforce full-time for a few
years before they start high school. If I could have grasped how much working
sucks by the time I was 14 or 15 years old, I would have had a much greater
appreciation for the freedom of high school and college.
	―Frashizzle, Oct 2016
%
I bet in 1989, when people were watching Back to the Future II and wondering
what 2015 would be like, very few people guessed we'd be getting psyched up
for a new Star Wars movie.
	―thedmandotjp, Apr 2015
%
Children are a very expensive reminder of that one time you got laid.
	―therapistclown, Jul 2015
%
When information was difficult to obtain, college was cheap. Now that
information is easy to access, college tuition has skyrocketed.
	―mind_slop, Sep 2015
%
It's gorgeous outside today. On my drive in to work, I passed a man under the
freeway overpass. No shoes, drink in his hand, talking to himself, watching
the traffic roll by. I walk into my office and sit at my desk, to spend the
rest of the day behind the monitor. Which one of us is really crazy?
	―purenoumena, Jul 2014
%
When I die, I want my grave to offer free Wifi so that people visit more
often.
	―gwapoworker, Apr 2015
%
What if homosexuality is a product of evolution and is becoming more prevalent
as the population grows because it acts as a mechanism for preventing the
population from rapidly growing?
	―Arfonz, Aug 2016
%
If the 'Fresh Prince' had made that shot, there'd be no show.
	―somethingcool-1, Mar 2014
%
The fact that /r/mildlyinteresting has over 10x subscribers as
/r/interestingasfuck proves the advice of under promising and over delivering.
	―broseidonswrath, Sep 2016
%
I'd rather overhear a compliment than get one face-to-face.
	―ThurstonHowellIV, Sep 2016
%
Silence is the only thing that's easier done than said.
	―fluorescentheart, Nov 2015
%
If five slaves had an orgy in the 1800's, it would be considered a three way.
	―Hunterman75, Aug 2014
%
Anti vaxxers think it's worse to raise a kid with autism than to let a kid die
of measles
	―SonofBeckett, Jul 2015
%
Everyone is praising Boyhood for letting us see a child grow up on screen, but
at the same time they're ignoring the fact that Harry Potter did it first,
with an entire cast of children.
	―Lizard_The_Redstoner, Mar 2015
%
The fact that we have McDonald's in Wal-Mart and Starbucks in Target says a a
lot about the demographics.
	―solisu, Oct 2015
%
Calling a girl a bitch implies she's being aggressive, but calling a guy a
bitch implies he's being passive.
	―AnneHathawayTitts, Jul 2015
%
The reason Patrick is so clueless is because he lives under a rock
	―itman290, Sep 2015
%
Not giving a nickname to your Pokemon is like calling your dog by its breed.
	―yugugy, Nov 2015
%
The superstition that walking under ladders is bad luck was probably started
by guys who didn't want to get knocked off their ladders.
	―ZarquonsFlatTire, Dec 2015
%
Lenny ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) was only typed once, and then has been copy and pasted ever
since.
	―ArtWithoutMeaning, Apr 2016
%
If I had the power to go back in time once, I'd probably save that power like
my rare potions in video games and eventually finish the game without using
it.
	―Not_Not_AnTi, Sep 2016
%
I am one half centaur.
	―ethanicles7, Feb 2014
%
"Hot as fuck" and "Cold as fuck" are the same temperature.
	―trillbillyjim, Jul 2016
%
What if I'm severely retarded but I think I'm a functional human being because
everyone I've ever met has felt sorry for me and treated me as an equal?
	―fantafano, Mar 2014
%
High IQ can result in the ability to create brilliant justifications for doing
terribly stupid things.
	―Gatorburger, Sep 2015
%
If Rand Paul were to run for President and select Paul Ryan as his running
mate, their campaign ticket (ex. Obama Biden 2012) would read Paul Ryan
2016. If they went by first names it would be Rand Paul 2016.
	―Walrusmanifacation, Jun 2014
%
Trees are just backwards lungs. Both functionally, and structurally.
	―Longscope, Sep 2015
%
why doesn't reddit do a pink nsfw for kinky links and a red one for the messed
up ones
	―esotheric, Dec 2015
%
I never realized what phenomenal aim Ash Ketchum has with a Pokeball until I
missed hitting a Pidgey 5 times.
	―boredman4, Jul 2016
%
Growing up playing Monopoly I was lead to believe that there is such a thing
as a bank error in my favor.
	―humansof, Aug 2016
%
If all previous Presidents were black, Barack Obama would be the first white
President
	―KayzeMSC, Mar 2014
%
In the 90s there was a huge push to get kids to not talk to strangers. Shortly
after, the internet was created.
	―ARCblooperreddit, Dec 2014
%
If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would it be called cellfies?
	―VeritableStalker, Feb 2014
%
If my name was Norman Stein, I'd have a son and name him Frank N. Stein and
strongly urge him to get a PHD. Thereby successfully completing the ultimate
dad joke
	―Mjeck, Feb 2015
%
When I was a kid, Bart was my hero and Homer was a zero. Now I understand
everything Homer does and Bart is just an annoying smart ass.
	―farmtownte, Jul 2015
%
An organist is an organism that is an organization of organs playing the
organ.
	―livesinatreehouse, Dec 2013
%
If we all stop paying for Internet, companies would give it to us for free
because of the loss in profits. Amazon, E-bay, Facebook, Google,
	―spungie, Sep 2015
%
When my dad shouts at a sport on TV, hes showing his passion for the
sport. When I shout at a video game, i'm an 'angry nerd'
	―Frizzin, Aug 2016
%
Scooby-Doo taught us that the real monsters always turn out to be humans.
	―OldManWilikers_, Jun 2014
%
"Condoms Are For Pussies" would be a great pro-condom slogan.
	―johnnybravo1014, Nov 2014
%
It's called being "broke" because you don't work
	―MidnightAppetite, Mar 2015
%
Telling someone that changing subjects in a conversation is your fetish would
put them in a very awkward position.
	―muffinpoots, Aug 2015
%
When I was a child, every time I asked how to spell a word, my parents told me
to look it up in the dictionary. At the time I thought it was some kind of
life lesson. But now, as an adult, I'm pretty sure they just sucked at
spelling.
	―Reignbringer, Dec 2015
%
If a woman has sex with different men every week, people will make fun of her
vagina being loose from overuse, but no one will make that joke about a woman
who has sex 2-3 times a week with the same man. Apparently variety makes a
vagina lose elasticity.
	―Dreamlite, Sep 2016
%
If all other humans disappeared, my first indication would not be empty
streets but a standstill of Reddit and Facebook.
	―ha_ya, Oct 2014
%
Does my doctor have his own doctor? If so, can't I just ask his doctor who HIS
doctor is and so on until I follow the chain to the world's ultimate doctor?
	―XOLegato, Sep 2015
%
I wonder if I've ever eaten two fruit that grew from the same tree
	―JezzPanda, Nov 2015
%
Similar to how swimming has a bunch of races using different strokes, track
should have a bunch of races using different running styles. 100 meter crab
walk would definitely grab my attention
	―Ditka69, Aug 2016
%
Sometimes when I click a link tagged, "NSFW" or "NSFL" and they take more than
a few seconds to load, I click back. I feel like that's the internet's way of
warning to me not to look at whatever it is.
	―crispy_critter, Jun 2015
%
I've seen more naked ladies than any of the greatest kings of centuries past
	―dogwood81, Jun 2016
%
There are 8 times a day (am/pm) where the time is sequential: 1:23, 2:34,
3:45, 4:56... and they are each 71 minutes apart..
	―lowdowndirtyrat, May 2014
%
"Well, I never" is the posh, old-timey version of "I can't even"
	―redrobotmx, Feb 2015
%
The poops of tomorrow are in the mouths of today.
	―elfboy, Apr 2015
%
There should be a subreddit where you post a photo of your mother and father,
and state your gender. Then, like PhotoshopBattles, people can try and make
mashups to guess what you look like.
	―natef34, Jan 2016
%
If a homeless person were to be placed under house arrest, would he be free to
go any where he wants?
	―Cmille19, Jul 2014
%
A pun is like an inside joke for an entire language.
	―craznhorse, Feb 2016
%
There was an alien invasion of the moon in 1969.
	―[deleted], May 2014
%
Why don't wheelchairs have pedals for when your arms get tired?
	―SneakyNinja76, Apr 2015
%
Being completely naked feels less naked than being naked with shoes on.
	―rcivie925, May 2016
%
If I were gay, I'd only date guys my size, so we could share clothes.
	―DarkwingDuc, Feb 2015
%
Spiderman would be way less cool if he wasn't living in a city full of
skyscrapers.
	―Ravedog12, Aug 2015
%
It took me 23 years to realize that "be there or be square" is because you're
not a-round.
	―kraaayzie, Feb 2015
%
There should be a movie character that appears in different movies but keeps
the same appearance and name ,whilst having their own story line, like an
easter egg
	―User261, Apr 2015
%
That "No Alcohol Beyond This Point" might as well say, "Bet you can't chug
that whole beer"
	―krustic13, Sep 2015
%
The Olympics should be held in one place forever so they only have to pay
maintenance costs to keep it up to standards. And it should outside of any
nation, similar to Vatican City.
	―19sban, Jul 2016
%
Its okay to say that you hate people, but not a specific kind of people.
	―Mutant_Llama1, Oct 2016
%
If you watch Weezer's "Buddy Holly" video, you are experiencing 1990s
nostalgia about 1970s nostalgia about 1950s nostalgia.
	―elliosenor, Sep 2014
%
When I was 12 I thought 18 year olds looked 30. Today at 30 I think 18 year
olds look 12.
	―FreddyMcCurry, Dec 2015
%
The entire internet can be used to talk about the Amish behind their backs
	―ImDefinitelyNotTupac, May 2016
%
/r/meatball would be a meatball sub
	―BusuB, Aug 2014
%
If I shout out "GOD IS GREAT!" right now on this packed subway I may get some
strange looks. If I shout out "GOD IS GREAT!" in Arabic however I may cause a
panic and get arrested.
	―HardToPeeMidasTouch, Nov 2015
%
If I have my dogs ball cut off, I'm a responsible pet owner, but if I cut off
the balls o my unemployed brother who has 6 kids who he can't provide for I'm
suddenly a criminal
	―CosbysSleepyTimeTea, Aug 2015
%
I wonder how many "Netflix and chill" babies have been born so far.
	―havocjewel, Jul 2015
%
A dead person should be referred to as a "human been" instead of a "human
being"
	―daKing333, Aug 2015
%
Being in love is the easiest way to have sex with the most beautiful woman in
the world.
	―Rancidrs, Jun 2015
%
The division sign ÷ represents a fraction where the dots are numbers
	―butthurtflyy, Nov 2015
%
You should be able to tag a snapchat nsfw when you send it, so the person who
gets if knows if they can open it in public or not
	―ajibajiba, Oct 2014
%
I see kids at my college driving $60,000 cars yet earlier today I used
quarters to buy gas.
	―TheFatherload, Sep 2016
%
The "forgot your password" pages on websites should include their criteria on
special characters, capital letters, etc.
	―buzzfeed_journalist, Jan 2016
%
It's like England had three sons, America rebelled as a teen and started a
band that saw great success, Canada was the good kid that became a doctor, and
Australia was the problem child with a drug problem that moved away and ended
up in rehab but has now turned his life around.
	―House90, Aug 2016
%
Canada and the US should just combine their independence days into one
four-day binge drinking, fireworks, and bbq bonanza.
	―chemsagem, Jul 2016
%
Beef Jerky is like a meat raisin.
	―Inita_Life, Oct 2014
%
Does anyone know what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, or are we
all just taking their word for it and telling others?
	―quan_Tik, Dec 2014
%
Facebook is like the tiny town you grew up in and always wanted to escape,
while Reddit is like NYC and it's noisy and you're anonymous.
	―lafeedingue, Feb 2016
%
I feel like I'm the charismatic leader of a cult my dogs are in.
	―Grizzlyhorse, Oct 2015
%
Apple stores are better than Microsoft stores because the most expert and
passionate Apple users work there, whereas the most passionate and expert
Microsoft users have real tech jobs.
	―thegreatestajax, Aug 2015
%
If you're going to kill yourself, hire a hit man to do it. It will be exciting
to get chased for awhile.
	―freerangestrange, Aug 2016
%
8 Mile is the only movie where everyone actively roots for the white guy to
prevail over all the black characters.
	―falfasfsasaffsa, Sep 2016
%
Our heart is a muscle that takes a lifetime to get tired.
	―Shurebis, Dec 2013
%
Prince William and the royal babies sounds like a euphamism for your dick and
balls.
	―BITCHES_DIG_KARMA, May 2015
%
Making fun of overweight people at the gym is like making fun of an alcoholic
trying to go to rehab
	―Plato43, Sep 2016
%
Reality has made The Onion almost obsolete these past few months
	―ExpOriental, Oct 2016
%
A bra is a booby trap
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
As I get older, birthday parties are less about presents and more about
presence.
	―MasterKoga, Oct 2015
%
All of my friends are getting married, and I'm still trying to get over the
fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
	―patrioticmurica, Feb 2015
%
Reddit is the opposite of Facebook. Reddit is people you don't know posting
things you care about. Facebook is people you know posting things you don't
care about.
	―thratty, Sep 2016
%
40 years from now, people in retirement homes will probably play videogames
instead of bingo
	―puzzle_button, Jun 2016
%
Bill Gates should change his name to Trill Gates if he becomes a trillionaire.
	―MrMickouskey, May 2016
%
Without life, the universe would never have known it existed.
	―BlackPresident, May 2014
%
Someone should start an uber-like service just with pick up trucks to help
move beds or pick up big packages.
	―yestopoopjokes, Aug 2016
%
1-3 and 1,2,3 sounds the same and means the same.
	―Raegonex, May 2015
%
"Netflix and Chill" used to actually work before everybody gave it a name
	―danyolo10, Dec 2015
%
Being trapped in a room of Helium would be a dark yet very comedic way to die.
	―Ukajman, Jul 2016
%
If my wife would get dressed as fast as she used to when her parents came home
early, we would never be late to dinner.
	―nuggsgalore, Jul 2016
%
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make
something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
	―Bottenbig, Feb 2015
%
I wish that YouTube had a "I don't want to see this video ever again." button.
	―JoV1, Oct 2016
%
The opposite of an island is a lake.
	―TwinTesla, Sep 2014
%
"My entire life has led up to this moment" is always true.
	―NoIntroductionNeeded, Jan 2014
%
Every time I put on my seat belt while driving, I am basically wearing a 2
ton, turbocharged, speed suit that helps me accelerate to 60 mph in under 6
seconds.
	―SwitchBlade430, Oct 2014
%
You should be able to scan the barcode of books you already own and get an
ebook version for free.
	―BasrieI, Jan 2015
%
Anyone who thinks that the word "dude" is not a gender-neutral pronoun is
probably taking life too seriously.
	―TheOtherScottishOgre, Jul 2015
%
As a California resident, I could save some water by thinking less in the
shower
	―colinexl, Oct 2015
%
I am 136 - 0 for not finding a dead prostitute in the hotel rooms I've rented
in my life.
	―SelfMadeSoul, Nov 2014
%
When Kanye retires, he should release "Kanye's Greatest Hits", an album
containing every song he's ever released on it
	―embiidlejuice, Jun 2016
%
In the original "Dracula" movie from 1931, Dracula and Van Helsing are played
by Bela Lugosi and Edward Van Sloan. So their names are..."Bela" and "Edward".
	―themightyheptagon, Aug 2015
%
I use Twitter to talk to people I wish I knew, Facebook to talk to people I
wish I didn't know, and Reddit to talk to people I don't know
	―Grammor___Natsee, Nov 2015
%
The opposite of Chevy Chase is Ford Escape.
	―NotFunnyAlreadyTaken, Dec 2014
%
Being ugly is cool, because then you know people like you for your personality
	―CXV_, Sep 2015
%
In the near future, most grandparents will be way better at video games than
their grandchildren due to sheer experience.
	―cooterbreath, Jul 2016
%
To date, I still haven't heard a better version of Hallelujah than the one on
the Shrek soundtrack.
	―NotSoCheezyReddit, Oct 2016
%
After watching 'Toy Story' as a chid, I used to feel guilty when I played with
some toys more than others
	―PointiusAtThePilate, Mar 2016
%
If you choose to take an online IQ test, and the result is, "Your score has
been generated and can be accessed for only $19.99", your IQ probably isn't
exceptionally high.
	―jai_kasavin, May 2016
%
If Jimmy John's wanted to open an upscale version of their restaurant, they
could call it "James Johnathan's."
	―Sir_Dude, Mar 2014
%
In the word, "Eight," the only letter you pronounce properly is the "t."
	―president_of_derp, Sep 2014
%
I wonder how many girls I would have been interested in have checked me out
and I've just walked away oblivious?
	―Echoes_and_madness, Jul 2014
%
McDonald's should use girl scout cookies in its Mcflurry's. It would raise a
lot of money for the girl scouts of the USA and taste delicious!
	―mintOx, Feb 2015
%
If we legalize marijuana around the world, we will enter the Dank Age.
	―peckerbrown, Sep 2015
%
I would love to watch a Romcom where the fiancé is a great guy, the deadbeat
guy who tries to steal the girl away is just a dead beat, she doesn't cheat on
her fiancé, the wedding goes well, and they live happily ever after.
	―RainbowTuba, Mar 2016
%
There should be a system where you send companies proof that you purchased
their product, and then you don't have to watch their commercials anymore.
	―Bavles, Nov 2015
%
There is a teenager in Italy who masturbated for the first time in his/her
life just before the earthquake started. He low-key believes it was because of
his own degenerate self.
	―iamalbus, Aug 2016
%
Toddlers and Tiaras seems like it's both a prequel and sequel to 16 and
Pregnant
	―trep88, Sep 2014
%
The USA doesn't have a name for their country. They just use a description and
a vague location.
	―chazhutton, Oct 2015
%
The only time I press the caps lock key intentionally, is to turn it off when
I pressed it by accident.
	―EatsRice, Mar 2016
%
Why are the words "shampoo" and "conditioner" the hardest ones to find on the
bottle?
	―JackFleck, Mar 2016
%
Your capability is literally the cap to your ability
	―MrAw3som3, Mar 2015
%
The day is already 33% complete at 8:00 AM
	―karma_is_for_nerds, Apr 2016
%
Apple is vain enough to capitalize Apple in my texts because they always think
I'm talking about them and couldn't possibly be referencing the fruit humans
have been eating for thousands of years.
	―T4lk_N3rdy_2_M3, Jan 2015
%
Youtube should have an "audio only" option (for lectures, music etc) to save
bandwidth
	―skurk, Jan 2015
%
This time next month it'll be March.
	―PowerMac_G4, Jan 2014
%
My cats are virgins that never leave the house and make someone else bring
them food. My cats are neckbeards.
	―SHINX_FUCKER, Aug 2015
%
If you're ever insecure about your body, just remember: pornhub wouldn't keep
its BBW category if it wasn't making them money
	―herbe01, Dec 2015
%
So many people die every day that we've never actually checked to make sure
that the sun would rise without a human sacrifice.
	―darthjebus211, Apr 2016
%
No matter when the world ends, there will be an unlucky kid somewhere just
about to get his first blowjob.
	―Fionnland, Nov 2015
%
We will know when gay culture is fully accepted when rappers rap about their
gay boyfriends.
	―old-mac-and-cheese, Apr 2016
%
If [deleted] had a user page, it'd probably be the most entertaining read on
all of reddit.
	―corey_m_snow, Jun 2015
%
A swear jar is literally a jar of fucks given.
	―TinyPlaidNinjas, Aug 2015
%
Maybe they're the main character because they don't die instead of not dying
because they're the main character
	―Xaphrine, Oct 2016
%
There should be an app like tinder but for jobs. Like hey you have 42 jobs
that meet your qualifications near you. Then the company can swipe left for
awful applications.
	―CIRCLJERK_REPOST_BOT, Aug 2016
%
This is the most engaged America has been in a debate about color in a long
time
	―herrinfold, Feb 2015
%
It should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife in Paintball
	―pemorio, Sep 2015
%
If bud light was part of the box tops program, my kid's school would have a
planetarium and a hockey team.
	―secret-clouds, Mar 2015
%
Snape was so obsessed with getting the Defense Against the Dark Arts job
because he knew it would be Harry's most important class, and wanted to teach
him personally
	―Azmek, Aug 2015
%
If I had a dollar for every time a person over 40 said my generation sucks,
I'd have enough money to buy a house in the economy they ruined.
	―fr4gnetic, Oct 2016
%
Morgan Freeman's voice sounds even better in his own head.
	―tigastyle, Apr 2014
%
If Satan punishes the bad guys, doesn't that make him a good guy?
	―KarmaticArmageddon, Aug 2014
%
I wonder how many couples will find out they both have Ashley Madison
accounts.
	―DeezNeezuts, Aug 2015
%
Half of 8 is 4. Half of 8 is also 3. Half of 8 can also be 0
	―LMN-er, Jul 2014
%
Tobacco companies kill their best customers
	―Akshaaay, Jul 2016
%
Having a favorite color turned out to be less important than I expected as a
child.
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
If you don't choose to have a kid,you are at the end of a 4 billion year old
chemical process that finally just said "screw it".
	―loveyouAmerica, Aug 2016
%
Profanity has become so common in my vocabulary that I now express my outrage
by refraining from using it
	―AbbaZaba16, Oct 2016
%
I've raided more tombs in Skyrim than I have in Tomb Raider
	―JustAnotherScott, Nov 2015
%
If I was a school teacher, I'd intentionally use memes incorrectly, just to
drive the little shits crazy
	―GutturalPatois, Jan 2016
%
If cats ran society, catnip might be an illegal drug; If they had pet humans,
they might buy marijuana to watch us get wonky.
	―RVAR4R, Apr 2016
%
Alocohol should be served in Capri-Sun styled pouches; when you can't get the
straw through the hole anymore, you've had enough.
	―Dylan8932, Oct 2016
%
If you're 1 in a million, then there's 7,125 people exactly like you.
	―pogopenis, Sep 2014
%
What if as a show of good faith toward North Korea, Seth Rogen and James
Franco visit North Korea to apologize to Kim Jong Un in person, only to
assassinate him like the plot of their movie The Interview?
	―cryofalcon, Dec 2014
%
Why do we even have gender deodorants, if I'm a grown ass man and I want to
smell like Cocoa Butter Kisses, fuck it I will.
	―BudMasterMcSwagatron, Oct 2015
%
I can't decide if people who wear pyjamas in public have given up on life or
are living it to the fullest.
	―FourWordReplies, Aug 2016
%
All us reddit users are just like children sitting awkwardly at the dinner
table while their parents fight.
	―krlidz, Jul 2015
%
"Sweater" is kind of a gross name for a piece of clothing
	―luckytopher, Feb 2016
%
Say in public that you had sex and people will think that you're weird. Say in
public that you're pregnant and people will congratulate you.
	―Elvith, Feb 2016
%
I can't look at a word without reading it
	―kazg24, Apr 2016
%
Clickbait writers should be sentenced to read an entire novel, spread out such
that each sentence is on a separate page, located underneath a picture of a
celebrity.
	―Swibblestein, Sep 2016
%
The mirror may well be the most photographed object this century.
	―Nizuno, Oct 2014
%
Subway should not have had such a catchy jingle about 5 dollar footlongs,
because now their 6 dollar footlongs seem like a rip off....
	―Nevercastor, Mar 2016
%
30 years ago, My parents were horrified that my sister was a lesbian but it
was okay that she smoked. Today I'm horrified that my daughter smokes but its
fine if she's gay.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
Every time you feel thirsty or hungry, it's your body letting you know that
you're beginning to die
	―meetmeintheuniverse, Sep 2013
%
People don't like it when you share your opinion. They only like when you
share their opinion.
	―FundyM, Sep 2016
%
For those born on November 22, 1989 you have a special birthday in the year
2033. Why? On 11/22/33 you're turning 44.
	―MeatMeAfterClass, Nov 2015
%
It's actually pretty likely that I'll be in physical vicinity of one of you in
real life but neither of us will have any idea that we had this brief
connection on the internet.
	―damn_dats_racist, Nov 2015
%
"Act naturally" is an oxymoron.
	―taiyang88, Jan 2014
%
Luis Suarez should do one of those "You're not you when you're hungry"
Snickers commercials
	―LosPineapples, Jun 2014
%
The more adventuring a knight does, the more banged up his armor gets. So if
you get rescued by a knight in shining armor, you probably got rescued by a
really shitty knight.
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
Have you ever thought about the significance of a father calling his kid a
"little squirt"?
	―adamdavenport, Sep 2015
%
Snapchat should have a NSFW tag you can check so you don't open nudes in
public
	―karmadonationcenter, Sep 2015
%
The numbers, in alphabetical order, go 8549176320
	―UnregisteredSarcasm, Aug 2016
%
We think of Alcohol Smugglers during the Prohibition period differently than
we do our neighborhood drug dealer, but they essentially have done the exact
same thing.
	―ChootinNPootin, Jan 2016
%
If the "Six Million Dollar Man" show were set in the present day, instead of a
bionic man it would just be a guy that had two knee replacements.
	―keeperofthedingo, Oct 2016
%
Sriracha is becoming the pumpkin spice of hot sauces.
	―DangoDC, Nov 2015
%
The moral of "The Tortoise and the Hair" folktale is "slow and steady wins the
race," but it should really just be "don't be cocky".
	―mantha_ray, Aug 2016
%
When I first joined reddit and say a red envelope, I thought 'Oh cool, a
conversation', now all I think is that I'm being yelled at for whatever I
posted earlier.
	―TheCreamySmooth, Aug 2015
%
"The server just went down on me" has very different meaning in an IT office
than it does in a restaurant
	―Snaeblooc, Sep 2015
%
As a student, there is nothing better than finally finishing a project, then
being able to close out all of the tabs in my browser related to that project.
	―YisThatUsernameTaken, May 2016
%
Cyber Monday is the perfect day to unsubscribe from all unwanted marketing
emails because you'll be emailed by every single one of them.
	―messinwitcha12, Nov 2015
%
Every public bathroom toilet should have a foot pedal to flush instead of a
handle.
	―Xx-Arseus-xX, Jul 2016
%
I go on Reddit in the morning to see if there's anything serious happening in
the world, because I know if I see "this tomato looks like a duck" on the
front page- everything must be okay.
	―DownvotesWanted, Aug 2016
%
"I tagged your sister on a post" would sound pretty offense 20 years ago.
	―sonoframbo17, Apr 2016
%
You spend your entire childhood being told not to talk to strangers but as an
adult its one of the most important things you have to do.
	―irrigated_liver, Sep 2015
%
The Chinese should name a city 'USA' so they can label their products 'Made in
USA'.
	―soylent_night, Oct 2015
%
The prehistoric men, the ones who discovered fire, who migrated across Earth,
forming the civilizations and technology we have today, are invariably some of
the most important historical figures, and we will never know their names.
	―ANAL_DOG_LICKER, Dec 2015
%
What if Walmart was as poorly lit as Hollister.
	―WIDE_OPEN_BEAVERS, Jul 2013
%
If I punch myself in the face and it hurts...does that make me weak or strong?
	―DerkERRJobs, Nov 2013
%
When my laptop is plugged in and I'm using headphones there is essentially a
continuous string of wires/technology connecting my body to some power plant
miles away.
	―logeypierogie, Mar 2015
%
What if Breaking Bad was just an elaborate cover up to produce tons of meth?
	―psyclone2772, May 2015
%
As a programmer, my job is to explain to machines what humans want them to do.
	―Obvious0ne, Dec 2015
%
Cars can drive themselves, phones are voice activated, and I can pay for
groceries with my phone-- but elevators still don't have a "cancel" button.
	―tylerwcdurden, Jul 2016
%
The Simpsons had a better Under the Dome story than Under the Dome.
	―Hollyw0od, Jan 2016
%
We are expected to do our jobs as if we don't have children and at the same
time raise our children as if we don't have jobs.
	―GreatBrilliance, Jul 2016
%
Deaf hipsters are the ultimate hipsters because they're into things even they
haven't heard about.
	―pepsi502, Sep 2015
%
It's still illegal to do butt sex in some states. Some gay men can't even
consummate their marriage. Poor bastards.
	―thezealousy, Jun 2015
%
Dildo factories probably don't have "Take Your Daughter to Work Day."
	―Desecr8or, Apr 2016
%
Snapchat's motto on the app store is "Life's more fun when you live in the
moment :)" which is the exact opposite of what happens when you use the app.
	―capresesalads, Oct 2016
%
If your rapping career ever falls through, you can always be the guy on
medicine commercials who lists the side effects
	―DownvoteCommaSplices, Aug 2015
%
If we ever send the first 'Avengers' film up in a space probe we should
categorise it as a 'documentary' so that if aliens ever find it, they would
assume we have a team of bad-ass superheros guarding the Earth against alien
invasions.
	―ChippieTheGreat, Aug 2015
%
Why does every one associate Satan with heavy metal? For all we know, he might
like smooth jazz
	―AMVRocks, Aug 2016
%
YouTube ads aren't getting me to watch more ads. They're just getting me to
watch less YouTube.
	―shuddertostink, Nov 2014
%
Learn to distinguish between a person who talks to you in their free time
& a person who frees time to talk to you
	―Dr_Edge_ATX, Jun 2016
%
Everything i have ever lost, is somewhere
	―Mandarinaman, Mar 2015
%
Dog food can say it's any flavor it wants, it's not like you're going to test
it.
	―alexjrfire88, Oct 2016
%
The Jackass crew should get together for a Christmas special where they
recreate the traps from Home Alone 1 & 2.
	―whoasettastoned, Jan 2016
%
The last day of the Olympics should be all the gold medalists playing dodge
ball until we have an ultimate champion.
	―scarstruck4, Aug 2016
%
'xXx' starring Vin Diesel is the hardest movie to pirate.
	―BigTimeYeahhh, Sep 2014
%
Links go purple after you visit them because blue and "read" make purple.
	―hillai, May 2014
%
Now 26, I've realized the first place I look at when I see a woman now is her
left ring finger
	―archlorddhami, Dec 2015
%
Why do they offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like
you're fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
	―DallieCavis, Sep 2014
%
For April Fool's Day, HowToBasic should upload a video where he tidily
prepares a genuine meal
	―Knifty_, Feb 2015
%
Ice Cube rapped about how he opposes the police, but now he is always a cop or
law enforcement of some kind in the movies.
	―KamikazeeDolphin, Jan 2016
%
Since taking my smartphone to the toilet, I know much less about my shampoo
ingredients
	―meurl, Sep 2016
%
Stranger Things had to be set in the 80s because half their problems could
have been solved if everyone had a cell phone.
	―SaraBellum42, Oct 2016
%
My Mom says that I'm growing up to be just like my Dad, but they've been
divorced for over 25 years... Is she secretly telling me that she hates me?
	―My_Pockets_Hurt_, Feb 2016
%
If the Curiosity rover has a Twitter account it should also have Reddit
account where it can post mars-themed TILs
	―Randomd0g, Mar 2015
%
Female masturbation is more taboo than male masturbation; yet male sex toys
are much more taboo than female ones.
	―moker49, Mar 2016
%
Being unique is so common that twins are interesting to us.
	―imtoosly, Jun 2015
%
As a twenty-something. I have no concept of what my parents were like at my
age. My future children however will have gigabytes of evidence of what I was
like.
	―Phatang, Sep 2016
%
If I were to be diagnosed with cancer, I would cut off all my long hair before
beginning chemo and have a wig made from my own hair.
	―Bunkydoo, Nov 2014
%
"Do it like they do on the Discovery channel" now means people should gather
at abandoned storage units and bid on them.
	―Brelya, Aug 2015
%
If I drank enough water, my piss would be cleaner than the tap water in Flint,
MI
	―Beni5870, Feb 2016
%
"Chewing" and "eating" are very similar things, but "getting chewed out" and
"getting eaten out" are very different.
	―atthem77, Sep 2015
%
Star Wars has basically done the opposite of product placement. Instead of
real life brands creeping in to the film, the film has crept in to every brand
in real life.
	―Nallenbot, Dec 2015
%
They should make a lesbian version of grindr called scissr
	―THAT_WAS_TITS, Apr 2015
%
I have no way of knowing how many things I've forgotten that I said I'll never
forget.
	―I_Am_Only_O_of_Ruin, Mar 2016
%
The U.S. should substitute a National Voting Day as a Federal Holiday in place
of Columbus Day as a Federal Holiday.
	―winnietheshitt, Apr 2016
%
Sometimes when I post on Reddit I feel like that outsider in a group of really
good friends just trying to fit in...
	―MarkJohn73, Oct 2016
%
Reddit should have a no USA day where posts concerning the US are banned,
letting us see what's going on in the rest of the world more clearly.
	―off-and-on, Nov 2014
%
Fallout 4 should have a Catmeat companion that doesn't follow any commands and
occasionally sits in front of terminals while you're trying to use them.
	―WhatInSe7enHells, Nov 2015
%
Goats are like gift cards for 3rd world countries.
	―Browsing_From_Work, Feb 2014
%
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see
through everything and actually see nothing?
	―literaldickhead, Jun 2014
%
When Nicki Minaj says "I've got a big, fat ass" at the end of "Anaconda," it's
a TL;DR for the lyrics.
	―boysaredumb, May 2015
%
Instead of creating shit like the Apple Watch, Apple should develop a phone
that could survive being dropped without the use of a $60 case.
	―EGBallislife, Jul 2015
%
The United States now has several territories paying taxes without receiving
federal representation - exactly the reason we rebelled against England.
	―TheyCallMeBrewKid, Jan 2016
%
Charlie Sheen having AIDS is like hearing Snoop Dogg failed a drug test.
	―telephototulip, Nov 2015
%
Tom had to be the dumbest if he got a whole new level of foolery named after
him.
	―CommissionerSnakes, Jul 2016
%
Michael Jackson simultaneously blurred the line between black and white, man
and woman, and grown-up and child.
	―meatfred, Aug 2015
%
The lyrics, "It's the end of the world as we know it" use two prononciations
of "the" in the same line.
	―Montaverde, Oct 2016
%
No matter how many kids are waiting to see Santa, you can't open up another
line with a second Santa
	―GeekOutHuntsville, Dec 2014
%
I wonder how many times I've died playing online games and ended up on someone
else's Youtube montage video.
	―Fear_ltself, Oct 2015
%
I will be the last person to die in my lifetime.
	―NakedBeauty38, Aug 2016
%
A significant amount of people are going to fuck cups for the first time
today.
	―WhoseDickIsItAnyway, Jan 2016
%
My imaginary friend has a real friend.
	―Elijah6053, Jan 2016
%
Getting married at 21 is like leaving the party at 9:15 pm
	―3much4u, Dec 2015
%
They just discovered sharks around Greenland that have been swimming non-stop
for longer than the US has been a country.
	―punchymango, Aug 2016
%
We can no longer tell children they're like 'a broken record' because they
won't understand. Instead, we have to tell them they are 'acting like a
glitch' when they continuously repeat themselves.
	―nyneve, Dec 2014
%
Underwear should be sold in packs of seven...
	―Smokester_, Jun 2015
%
The letter B in the word "subtle" is doing a nice job of it.
	―seaweed_is_cool, Sep 2015
%
Premarital sex isn't really premarital sex if you don't get married
	―Usernameless_, Jun 2016
%
Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating
	―IgnUnbeknownst, Jun 2016
%
20 years ago, high schools put wrecked cars out front to remind students to
never drink and drive. Today it's to remind them to never text and drive. 20
years from now, it will be to remind them to never drive (and to let the car
drive itself)
	―phoonie98, Oct 2016
%
Caffeine is the only drug I'm addicted to, but my nation's drug policy tries
to convince me that my occasional use of marijuana and LSD are the real
problem.
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
Walmart and others should offer a live stream on Black Fridays of their stores
for people to watch as entertainment!
	―LeAngryBadger, Nov 2014
%
The only difference between a regular dot and a polka-dot, is the absence or
presence of other dots
	―Meatman2013, Mar 2016
%
The worst thing about 'Suicide Squad' will be the influx of people thinking
Harley Quinn and the Joker are 'relationship goals.'
	―Super-Sheep, Aug 2016
%
If you are "God fearing" and believe God loves you... that sounds like an
abusive relationship.
	―sparkswillfly1, Oct 2014
%
March 4th is the only date that is a sentence.
	―Ihategoldenrods, Mar 2015
%
If I was born after nine months, and an hour before me, a premature baby was
born after seven-and-a-half months, they would be older than me despite
existing for a shorter period of time.
	―Renegade917, Oct 2015
%
Forget "slow and steady wins the race." The real moral of The Tortoise and the
Hare is that talent and skill are useless if you're lazy, irresponsible and
arrogant
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
My dog is an organic doorbell with only 10% accuracy.
	―BrosefMcDude, Aug 2016
%
The acronym of "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee" is "Flab Slab"
	―benji9t3, Mar 2014
%
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you. You feel more paranoid than
protected?
	―bbttrraann, Sep 2014
%
The blood you donated could possibly be another male's erection right now.
	―AnalStain, Jun 2015
%
We live in a world where trained cops can panic & act on impulse, but
untrained civilians must remain calm with a gun in their face.
	―emilNYC, Sep 2016
%
Dating Apps like Tinder should partner with bars/restaurants and offer
incentives such as a free drink or free appetizer if the two people meet at
that place. People would me more inclined to actually meet up and
bars/restaurants would receive increased publicity and more customers.
	―swaggerstein1, Jan 2015
%
If I could suddenly breathe underwater it would probably take me a LONG time
to find out.
	―soucy666, Sep 2016
%
If "sword" was a dirty word, it might be referred to as the "s-word".
	―PaintedCeiling, Dec 2013
%
In the future buying a manual car won't be buying a car that has a manual
transmission. It will be buying a car that isn't self driving.
	―Scuba_Steve93, Feb 2015
%
If I was granted 50% off on every purchase I make for the rest of my life, I'd
probably just end up with twice as much crap instead of more money in the
bank.
	―percival526, Jul 2016
%
I'd never buy a used mattress, but sleeping in a hotel doesn't bother me at
all.
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
God bless public restrooms with paper towels instead of those blow thingys
	―NomisNairda, Mar 2016
%
Pixar's Cars is literally a car toon
	―jammesor, Nov 2013
%
There should be an app where I can enter in my eyeglass prescription and the
screen will adjust so that I don't need to wear my glasses when using my
device.
	―dougmacphisto1, Jul 2014
%
If you were to miss school because of Hypothermia, You would literally be too
cool for school.
	―LaylaAintHome, Dec 2014
%
I wonder who the lowest level employee is at Area 51
	―helpnxt, Aug 2016
%
"In case of contact with eyes" warning labels will probably be hardest to read
when I most need them
	―xeio87, Sep 2016
%
I should install switches on my car's dash that don't do anything. When
someone gets in my car I'll look them dead in the eye and say "Buckle up."
I'll start flipping switches in what appears to be a purposeful order, then
I'll drive like a grandma while avoiding any conversation about the switches.
	―xlShadylx, Sep 2015
%
The Great Wall of China was intended to keep foreigners out of the
country. Now, as a tourist destination, it's used to bring foreigners into the
country.
	―Tinfoil_Haberdashery, Nov 2015
%
Hard drive recovery will be a valuable skill for future archaeologists.
	―infamous4chanhacker, Sep 2016
%
During a full moon, we only see half the moon.
	―Xerc0, Dec 2014
%
Gay people dress so well because they've been in the closet so long.
	―webster2086, Mar 2015
%
You only have problems if you care.
	―kries_, Jan 2014
%
I wonder how many of this generation's dads will leave to go buy vape pens and
never come back.
	―Search_ShaggieTv, Sep 2015
%
If there was a first person Daredevil video game it probably wouldn't sell
very well.
	―HailToTheThief225, Mar 2016
%
If my dream girl exists, I’ll never meet her because she prefers to chill at
home.
	―Patrick52Andrew, Sep 2016
%
Hair dressers should only be allowed to decorate their salons with pictures of
people with haircuts THEY did.
	―Quothefool, Aug 2015
%
I wonder if people on new years day in the year 3000 will be freaking out that
it's the year Fry from Futurama comes back
	―Hcoug, Oct 2015
%
If I ate nothing but butterflies, I would probably significally increase the
average number of butterflies eaten per person.
	―Peefy, Jun 2015
%
An onion forces you to cry over it's dead body.
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
I just realized there hasn't been any big 'End of The Whole World' hype this
year good job everyone
	―Concani, Dec 2014
%
In 2020 it's going to be 420 for a whole month
	―andrew_s_21, Oct 2016
%
Porn sites should partner with dating sites, track your kinks, and match you
with people who are into the same things.
	―autopornbot, Jun 2015
%
Some poor kid in 'Air Bud' got cut from the team to make room for the dog
	―dodgingwrenches, Jul 2015
%
I wish there was an app that could connect you with people that look exactly
like you.
	―WordsRLikeBullets, Feb 2014
%
All of Aladdin was a story told by the merchant to get us to buy a worthless
lamp.
	―Orangeheart59, Jul 2014
%
If you got fired from your job at the unemployment office, you'd still have to
go to work the next day.
	―nhwoodsblues, Jan 2015
%
If I ever ran into Kanye I'd pretend to be oblivious and ask him to take a
picture of me.
	―takereasygreasy, Oct 2015
%
The only reason I'm watching the debate tonight is so I understand late night
comedy later this week and weekend
	―mattyboi4216, Oct 2016
%
Church is the worst book club I have ever been to.
	―dvieu, Sep 2014
%
I procrastinate way too much on reddit when i should be playing computer games
	―twelvedogs, Jan 2016
%
My personal email is used 1% for email, 99% for logging into things.
	―I_Gets_The_Reference, Mar 2016
%
Opening a door for someone and that person then opening the 2nd inside door
for you is the most instantaneous positive karma return.
	―ancientmelodies, Sep 2016
%
They should make a Jurassic Park film where everyone turns up to the park and
enjoys the dinosaurs safely and then returns home to submit positive online
reviews
	―autonova3, Jun 2015
%
"Never odd or even" is "Never odd or even" read backwards.
	―vignesh1230, Feb 2015
%
I wonder if women who go into labor tomorrow will find it funny.
	―Plesk8, Sep 2015
%
If you weighed 99 pounds and you ate 1 pound of bacon, you'd be 1% bacon.
	―TheRyanMcNeil, May 2014
%
Porn sites should end in .cum instead of .com
	―InsomniacFan, May 2014
%
The Dalai Lama is so at peace and relaxed because he doesn't have to worry
about rent, a depressing job, family drama, where his next meal is coming from
and many other day-to-day worries which effect the majority of people on the
planet
	―mrstody, Nov 2015
%
What Orwell failed to predict was that we'd buy the cameras ourselves, and our
biggest fear would be that nobody was watching.
	―AcoupleofIrishfolk, May 2016
%
Some women are world famous for being beautiful. I see women more beautiful
than them in real life all the time.
	―kippylongstocking, Aug 2016
%
I hope my dog never realizes that I'm full of bones
	―football_monkey, Sep 2016
%
Aperture Science is an allegory for Valve. They had an early, massive,
innovative success, but are now so concerned about testing their product and
making it absolutely perfect that they'll never release anything new.
	―AStrayLamia, Dec 2015
%
While a picture may be worth a thousand words, a movie is usually only worth
half of a book.
	―WiggyWare, Mar 2015
%
I piss and moan about spending $0.99 on an app for the rest of my phone's
life, but don't think twice about adding guac for $1.95 on one burrito
	―gotjoseph37, Jul 2015
%
You may have accidentally set a random, bizarre world record but didn't
realize it
	―Ariaxiz, Apr 2016
%
I wonder if uTorrent realises that you can download uTorrent Pro using the
normal uTorrent.
	―hatterkiller, Jun 2016
%
All polls are biased towards people who are willing to take polls
	―Risemack, Sep 2016
%
It's depressing that we live in a time when I can see a child freezing and
looking miserable walking to school but I can't offer a ride without fear of
potentially being labeled a creep or worse.
	―PretendProphet, Jan 2016
%
If the nice ladies messaging me on porn websites know what town I'm in, I
shouldn't have to tell accuweather my zip code every time I want to check the
forecast
	―Stripedpajamas, Nov 2014
%
The internet "sluts" doing porn have positively impacted more lives than most
people ever will.
	―Mistrelvous, May 2014
%
There should be a mission in the next GTA game where you show up to a drug
deal, it goes exactly as planned, and then the mission just ends with everyone
getting what they wanted.
	―hopdevil93, Dec 2015
%
Telling someone you shouldn't be sad because other people have it worse than
you is like telling someone they can't be happy because someone else is
happier than them.
	―AHurriedDog, Jul 2016
%
My father was a proud dad when he taught me how to write. I was a proud son
when I taught my dad how to text.
	―Shoelesshobos, Oct 2016
%
The best high school teachers act like college professors. The worst college
professors act like high school teachers.
	―Rolk17, Aug 2015
%
If Kanye runs for President in 2020 and wins, Taylor Swift should grab the mic
and interrupt his inaugural address.
	―dannyjerome0, Sep 2015
%
The people who frequently make it on the front page in this sub probably have
an extremely high water bill.
	―littlehomie, Aug 2016
%
There is no food that looks more appetizing than a cartoon pizza.
	―Fatman6000, Nov 2015
%
If someone would have told me 10 years ago that people in 2016 would be
walking around with vaporizing pens I would have thought it would be something
way more cool than what it really is.
	―NoNiceGuy71, Feb 2016
%
People who turn 47 today have a birth date of 2/4/68.
	―BarryMFBurton, Feb 2015
%
I wonder how all of the signatures of people with my name look.
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
By slapping mosquitoes, we are weeding out the slow, weak ones that we can hit
so that the faster ones can breed
	―Articulating, Mar 2015
%
Snickers should do an airdrop on Pyongyang. North Korea turns into a right
diva when they're hungry.
	―FlyingDutchkid, Aug 2015
%
Someone, somewhere, has reached university and been assigned the dorm room
they were conceived in.
	―slaaitch, Jan 2016
%
I wish there was a title between "boyfriend" and "husband" (or fiance)... I
think my 4.5 year relationship warrants more than what middle schoolers refer
to their relationships as...
	―mysilverlinings, Jan 2016
%
Swat team members should have their homes randomly raided by a neighboring
swat team to better understand the confusion experienced by the suspect.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
My pot dealer will front me weed but I can't get approved for a credit
card. My credit with my drug dealer is better than it is in real life.
	―billemall2390, Oct 2015
%
Your body is made of new cells every seven years. Negative reports drop from
your credit after seven years. You're no longer responsible because you are
literally a different person.
	―ypps, May 2016
%
As an introvert it seems so pointless to hate people for their race, religion,
or sexual orientation. Get to know them instead, and you'll find there are
literally hundreds of other, perfectly valid reasons to hate them.
	―coupland, Feb 2016
%
In the Shawshank Redemption, Red tells Andy that his hope of being a free man
again is "a shitty pipe dream", he ends up escaping through a pipe full of
shit.
	―[deleted], Feb 2014
%
One day, my grandchildren will light up a joint after dinner. I'll say, "When
I was your age, they'd have thrown me in jail for that." They'll laugh and say
how silly that is.
	―Microthrowaway64, Jan 2016
%
Whenever I misspell a word so badly that auto-correct can't recommend
anything, I feel like I've beaten AI by being a moron.
	―Tank1an, Sep 2016
%
Fish jerky is the ultimate insult to fish. First you take the fish out of the
water, then you take the water out of the fish.
	―ReckoningGotham, Oct 2013
%
We get angry at our alarm clock when it wakes us up and just as angry when it
fails to wake us up
	―Notterts, Oct 2015
%
Saying "I lost the stylus for my tablet" would've still made sense over 2000
years ago.
	―azure326, Aug 2016
%
A tree house is the ultimate insult. "I killed your friend, here, hold him."
	―BumTongue, Oct 2016
%
If our pupils dilate when we're attracted to someone, is that why some
people's smiles "light up the room?"
	―NBDAnthos, Aug 2015
%
If I was an Optometrist, my business card would say “You'll see! You'll all
see!"
	―EsquireKing, Mar 2015
%
If you read "FTFY" as 'fuck that fuck you' rather than 'fixed that for you',
it's hilarious.
	―mantistobbogan69, Jun 2015
%
You should not commit to a tattoo unless you can read your post history from a
year ago and not end up asking yourself, "what the fuck was I thinking?"
	―[deleted], Feb 2016
%
When I leave a store without buying anything, I feel like everyone thinks I
stole something
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
If Chewbacca cannot say Chewbacca, where did they get the word Chewbacca?
	―captaincabinets, Jan 2016
%
The reason why Ash kept falling for Team Rocket's shitty schemes and costumes
is because Ash is a 10 year old child.
	―egm03, Jul 2016
%
The word "suns" is the same upside down
	―PlumsNThings, Jul 2016
%
If Tetris was released today for the first time, line pieces would probably be
obtainable only through microtransactions.
	―teeno731, Mar 2015
%
If Bruce Wayne invested in the community instead of buying crime fighting
toys, there'd probably be a lot less crime to fight.
	―coolshoeshine, Apr 2015
%
Maybe James Bond's middle name is James and his first and last names are Bond?
	―Gaihmit, Dec 2014
%
If you exhale slowly for as long as you can, you will have exhaled at the same
time as almost every single person in the world.
	―Because_Justice, Jan 2015
%
I'm more careful with video game currency than I am with actual currency.
	―colm44, Sep 2015
%
Chemotherapy will be one of those medical practices we look back on in a
hundred years and feel sorry that we didn't know better.
	―Nasallynarwhal, Mar 2016
%
I could be middle aged right now because I don't know when I'm going to die.
	―[deleted], Mar 2014
%
For-profit prisons should be paid based on whether the inmates get
reformed. They should have to house repeat offenders for free.
	―bricej13, Sep 2015
%
Do people sneeze on purpose around the pope with hopes of getting blessed by
him?
	―whipstache, Jun 2014
%
Satan must get lots of mail from dyslexic children on Christmas
	―singlewave, Nov 2014
%
Why are people so conflicted about what happens after death, but rarely wonder
what happens before birth, since they're likely the same states of
nonexistence?
	―Schytzophrenic, Jun 2014
%
If people ever stop using the word 'baby' to refer to sexual/romantic
partners, our era if music is going to be weird to listen to.
	―gypsyWizard, Aug 2015
%
I'm not positive on my age, I just trust everyone around me is telling the
truth about when I was born.
	―SimpletonSquirrel, Sep 2015
%
Shoes are just portable floors
	―Yoitstubbs, Sep 2015
%
A snowman is a body of water.
	―fireforfear, Oct 2015
%
"Whoa" expresses awe, and "aww" can express woe
	―jaxklax, Dec 2015
%
The use of birth control by responsible people is slowly replacing the human
race with irresponsible people who get pregnant unintentionally.
	―KellyfromLeedsUK, Jul 2016
%
If you look at a clock, you literally see your life tick away by the second.
	―Failjure, May 2014
%
If someone ever invents a penis enlargement pill they could never ever sell it
online because no one would believe them.
	―leftofmiddle, Nov 2013
%
It's illegal for you to prove that I'm not immortal
	―UristMcWizard, Nov 2014
%
The Internet is the most successful Sun-Cancer Prevention Scheme of all time.
	―LastJourneyHome, Mar 2015
%
The only reason that "showerthoughts" is even a thing is because showering is
one of the rare times when you have no access to the internet so therefore you
have to make thoughts of your own.
	―Mr_Izaiah, Dec 2015
%
To a fish a catch and release is much like an alien abduction.
	―rotten_miracles, Nov 2013
%
Now Taylor Swift is the one that wears short skirts and high heels instead of
t-shirts and sneakers.
	―Starsy, Dec 2015
%
The 'talking mirror' trope from fairy tales probably originated when a
careless time-traveler was seen using a Smart phone or a tablet.
	―burgerdog, Oct 2016
%
Reading is just staring at marked slices of wood for hours while hallucinating
vividly.
	―Mihkelp1, Mar 2015
%
I don't think I would recognize my own asshole if you showed it to me
	―tomtom24ever, Apr 2015
%
Today reddit thought that the over stock of french fries was more interesting
than discovering a new potentially habitable planet.
	―mathisntfun, Jul 2015
%
It is quite weird when an entire boy band sings a love song about one girl.
	―danielstegeman, Apr 2016
%
My car has driven 106000 miles without ever touching another car.
	―daninmn, Dec 2014
%
people aren't getting dumber, it's just that stupid people get their voice
heard easier now
	―NobodyInParticular23, Oct 2016
%
When I think back at how stupid I was 10 years ago, I can't help but wonder
what I'm doing right now that's going to make me cringe in 10 years.
	―capomatt, Oct 2016
%
Shouldn't apartments be called togetherments?
	―Anal_Peanutbutter, May 2014
%
I live alone and have my own computer, but still use Incognito Mode for porn.
	―dubeskin, Jul 2016
%
It's sad that Wile. E. Coyote is remembered for his violence rather than his
brilliant paintings of tunnels.
	―SadGhoster87, Oct 2015
%
If enough Olympians contract Zika in Brazil this summer at least we can look
forward to a really kickass Special Olympics in about 20 years.
	―TurdsOnThat, Jun 2016
%
I used to be scared of dentists because of the pain, now I'm scared of
dentists because of the cost.
	―elena984, Apr 2015
%
Every time someone says "ten years ago" I think of the mid-nineties instead of
2006
	―SaitamaMasterRace, Oct 2016
%
Think of all the medieval chefs who were put to death for "poisoning" kings
that had nut allergies.
	―RGarret21, Oct 2013
%
If we have only discovered 2085 planets and we have very roughly estimated
their are 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 exoplanets in the observable
universe. Then disregarding any extraterrestrial life now would be like taking
a tiny step in gigantic forest and saying "well there's nothing in here"
	―Unstoppableguy1, Feb 2016
%
Celebrities can check each others' relationship status with Wikipedia rather
than Facebook.
	―SakuraSan, May 2015
%
If a woman was pregnant with the spawn of the devil, would the Church want her
to abort it?
	―KingKrabbe, Oct 2015
%
"The Leaning Tower of Pisa" is an anagram for "I spot one giant flaw here"
	―Taman_Should, Feb 2016
%
Letting the two-party system set the criteria for who can debate is like
letting Walmart decide the rules for where Target can open new stores.
	―redninjatwo, Sep 2016
%
All of the best skipping rocks are in the middle of the lake.
	―Angeloug, Oct 2016
%
Church is just a big book club.
	―caba1990, Dec 2013
%
My apartment is the entire world to my indoor cat. Going to the vet is like
visiting a galactic hub with strange creatures everywhere.
	―forks_and_spoons, Feb 2015
%
If two naked gay men laid next to each other, and one of the men's fetish is
an erect penis, and the other's a flaccid penis, and both were turned off by
the opposite of their fetish, they would be in a neverending cycle of boners
and boner-killers
	―Mrpapaweegee, Apr 2015
%
Blues singer Buddy Guy has the most Canadian-sounding name ever.
	―WriterDave, Feb 2016
%
There should be a section on everyone's profile that shows how much karma
they've given
	―1TheDroneGuy1, Sep 2016
%
You never realize how many curse words are in a song until it's playing in
front of your parents
	―MitchReynolds35, Sep 2016
%
Pacifiers are nipple dildos
	―fourthings, Sep 2014
%
There should be dorms for single adults similar to the ones at colleges. When
you’re single, life would be a lot better if you are surrounded by attractive
members of the opposite sex and get all of your food made for you in a
cafeteria.
	―HankSc0rp10, Mar 2015
%
I wonder if I'm ever in my dogs dreams..
	―SploogMan, Oct 2015
%
Why does the Price is Right have commercials if the whole show is basically
advertising products?
	―-JS-, Mar 2016
%
Every hotel refrigerator should at least fit a pizza box.
	―SLy_McGillicudy, Sep 2016
%
EA should change their slogan from, it's in the game, to its in the DLC
	―Jahkle, Apr 2015
%
The saying shouldn't be "Money can't buy happiness", but rather "Money can't
prevent sadness".
	―Crunchisaurus, Feb 2016
%
I use my mobile phone more when I'm at home than I do when I'm mobile.
	―ohjerm, Jun 2016
%
The oldest person alive on Earth is also the first person alive out of 7.4
billion people.
	―Almighty_H, Oct 2016
%
Gyms should have memberships where your fee goes down based on how often you
go.
	―drain65, Jun 2014
%
Either the universe had a beginning, or it didn't. Either possibility is a
mindfuck
	―BeefPieSoup, Dec 2015
%
I've taken off my pants in most malls that I've been to.
	―Jerry_McSeinfeld, Jan 2015
%
The difference between revolution and treason is success or failure
	―TheStankPolice, May 2016
%
In the 90's the 2 biggest rules were to not get in car with strangers and dont
meet with people you met on the internet, now most of us do both regularly
	―fiyahz, Jul 2016
%
"Uranus is full of methane" is correct in both contexts.
	―CommanderDank, Oct 2014
%
Of all the utensils to eat rice with, how did two sticks win?
	―shocktar, Apr 2016
%
In Monsters Inc, Boo could have been speaking perfect English, but we hear it
as gibberish because we're hearing it from the monsters perspective who speak
a different language
	―Pixel_Implosion, Aug 2016
%
Dr. Pepper might be a woman and you should be ashamed that you've never
considered that until this very moment.
	―Basser151, Mar 2015
%
If Wolverine has amazing healing capabilities, surely he should not have a
belly button, as it should've healed.
	―nathanmcguire97, Apr 2015
%
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis,
and that's all that's left?
	―ploughhorse, Jun 2015
%
If Anthony Weiner ran for president in 2016 and Eric Holder was his vice
president, the campaign bumper stickers would say "Weiner Holder 2016".
	―baeb66, Apr 2014
%
Weaponized cannabis would be the most humane military tactic ever
developed. You could carpet an entire city in green haze then just waltz in
and arrest the helplessly giggling bad guys while leaving snacks for all the
civilians.
	―Charlie--Dont--Surf, Mar 2016
%
I have memorized all the digits of pi, I just don't know what order they're
in.
	―krrate, Jun 2016
%
I became an adult the day I realized that parking near the entrance is not as
good as parking near the cart corral.
	―AnarchyBubble, Oct 2016
%
Instead of shadow bans, banned users should be redirected to an alternate
version of a website which they'll have to share with other banned
users. Don't tell them, and let it turn into a social experiment.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
Most guys can probably give a better hand job than most girls
	―agentofu, Apr 2015
%
If we elect a president that has a PhD or MD we would call him Dr. President
	―Excido88, Feb 2014
%
Getting married takes signing one document, getting divorced is close to
100. Shouldn't it be harder to get married than divorced so we'll avoid more
divorces?
	―BabyBuddySweetpea, Dec 2015
%
Maybe Kim Jong-un just really hates the bodies of water around his country.
	―patrickoriley, Mar 2016
%
ATMs should allow for a panic pin number so that if you are being forced to
withdraw money, the police will be secretly notified while the machine "is
taking a strangely long amount of time" to complete the withdrawal.
	―Power2TheSheeple, Jul 2016
%
I always put my music on shuffle but then get annoyed when it doesn't play the
songs I want.
	―jackleinmark, Jul 2016
%
When camera phones came out people said if there were aliens or ghosts, we'd
finally see them. But all we got was corrupt cops.
	―HaughtyLOL, Apr 2015
%
March 4th is the only day of the year that doubles as a command.
	―brenswen, Mar 2014
%
When someone gives you their phone number, it's like them giving you the
password to talk to them.
	―R6dave000, Apr 2015
%
If there's a Reddit in the afterlife, there are probably a ton of submissions
to /r/TIFU
	―dagoblah, Sep 2015
%
I wonder how many times I unknowingly avoided death
	―Mazhar-Fakhar_, Jul 2016
%
People get embarrassed when buying condoms which prevent diseases but are okay
with buying cigarettes which cause diseases.
	―Neuchh, Sep 2015
%
The story of The Tortoise and The Hare isn't that slow and steady wins the
race. It's don't be arrogant and slack off.
	―HillTopEconomist, Dec 2015
%
I won't try heroin or crack because I think I'd like them too much.
	―grumpstonio, Mar 2016
%
"Now Under New Management" just means "Please come back, the assholes are
gone."
	―spicedpumpkins, Nov 2014
%
Any salad is a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
	―Artistico1, Dec 2014
%
There's probably several girls that I married while on the swing set in
elementary school that I never got a divorce with
	―MouseRatFanClub, Sep 2015
%
It took me 16 years to realise Saturday has turd in it
	―KimAndreTheMan, Oct 2015
%
"The sky is the limit" would be terrible advice for astronauts
	―turtlecb, Oct 2014
%
I never actually scrub my feet, I just walk around on the soapy water and it's
been fine so far..
	―jbro12345, Nov 2015
%
I'm better at giving handjobs than my girlfriend is.
	―tom58473758, Jul 2015
%
For Halloween, spotify and other music services should play random noises like
doors opening and whispers throughout songs to creep people out
	―whalerodeo, Oct 2015
%
A better Santa Claus story would be that every city has one person who is in
the "Santa Claus" role and no one knows who it is, therefor, if the children
want presents, they have to be nice to everyone because they never know who
could be Santa.
	―Young_Pavarotti, Jul 2016
%
Jack Black and Jack White should collaborate and make a Jack Gray album
	―1stumbler, Nov 2014
%
When my father took me out fishing when I was a kid, he used to warn me to be
quiet because we would scare the fish away. Pretty sure he just wanted me to
shut the fuck up for a few hours.
	―dandy36, May 2015
%
The term "studying" is a mashup of the words 'student' and 'dying'.
	―Silviere, Oct 2015
%
Google Maps should have a "halfway point" option. Where it lists restaurants
and things to do halfway between the two locations you enter.
	―lumbergriff, Jun 2016
%
The fastest way to get me to click on a link is to warn me its NSFW.
	―Eternal_Reward, Mar 2015
%
The plagiarism section of the class syllabus is the same for every
class... almost like it was copied and then pasted there...
	―RetroNarwhale, Sep 2015
%
Movie theaters should provide an audio jack in each seat, so patrons can use
noise cancelling headphones, and they can also be used for dubbed audio for
other languages.
	―Surly_Asian_Man, Dec 2015
%
Reddit needs to stop kidding itself. The downvote button is and always will be
a disagreement button.
	―Twizted_DMF, Jun 2015
%
If sharks had "human week" it would probably be a week honoring the millions
of sharks killed every year by humans, instead of a couple of near-death
scenarios guised as documentaries talking about how "terrifying the beast was"
or "I didn't even realize I had lost my [insert appendage here]."
	―pm-me-uranus, Aug 2014
%
The words ''womb'' and ''tomb'' are similar orthographically and phonetically,
and relate to opposite ends of our life cycles.
	―[deleted], Feb 2014
%
The "What's Your Porn Star Name" game (first pet's name + street you grew up
on) is just a way to steal your password recovery information
	―fornaow, Sep 2015
%
Dogecar spelled backwards is Racegod.
	―Mrbasfish, May 2014
%
Straws only have one hole.
	―__________________l, May 2016
%
All these charmanders outside my house finally proves that hot singles do
exist in my area
	―aad32, Jul 2016
%
"Commercial free," but we're gonna tell you after every song.
	―ItsJinvy, Oct 2016
%
Who invented clapping? Someone literally saw something they liked and said "I
like this so much I'm going to slam my hands together."
	―kerska, May 2013
%
According to common American wisdom it's fine to go to a bar, get drunk, meet
a stranger, take her to your home, have sex, and fall asleep together, but
very unsafe to tell someone on the internet your last name.
	―wisebloodfoolheart, Jun 2016
%
Girls always say it's "gross" that I used to work at a porn shop and that it
must have had a lot of "creepy" guys - 95% of the customers were female buying
sex toys. Guys mostly bought bongs.
	―the_restlessartist, Aug 2016
%
If I were to turn invisible, light would pass straight through my eyes, so I'd
be blind
	―soulofgranola, Oct 2013
%
We're approaching 2016 and the share button on this website STILL doesn't say
"Spreddit"
	―MoonbirdMonster, Sep 2015
%
Someone should make an app called 'Netflix and Chill' that matches you with
local singles who like the same shows as you
	―TitsAlmighty, Oct 2015
%
Half Life 3 was never meant to exist. Half Life + Half Life = one full life
	―Templar_Gus, Apr 2016
%
The raid at Google's HQ in Paris is literally a Google search.
	―JarkAttack, May 2016
%
The US flag is almost always at half-mast now.
	―gnarledout, Jul 2016
%
I bet 7-11 is glad the Twin Towers attack wasn't on July 11
	―NotOBAMAThrowaway, Sep 2015
%
Jesus had to move back in with his dad at age 33.
	―DaaaNK, Sep 2015
%
Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and that makes you sad
	―thefred_mcgriff, Apr 2016
%
If Billie Jean would've taken Michael Jackson on Maury for a paternity test he
would've had the most epic "you are not the father" dance ever.
	―Creepyroblowe, Jan 2016
%
Suicide doesn't end pain. It just spreads that pain around to all the people
you love.
	―masongr, Jun 2014
%
YouTube should let me view vertical videos in vertical full screen on my
phone.
	―Jkdc, May 2015
%
We spend a good amount of time in our homes trying to make it look like no one
lives there
	―Redhawkk, Aug 2016
%
Weird Al Yancovic has remained more well known and popular than most of the
people he's parodied
	―antimonyacid, Oct 2016
%
Students cheat on tests because grades are more valued than learning.
	―xCozyPumpkin, Oct 2014
%
In a couple thousand years archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we
fried people as punishment.
	―WuTangTribe, Nov 2015
%
If Marty McFly time traveled to the actual 2015 his outfit wouldn't have
looked out of place due to the vintage fashion trend
	―TheLifeOfPepe, Sep 2016
%
Smokers allowed breaks at work are just getting an advance on the free time
others will have at the ends of their lives.
	―goatimhimmel, Aug 2016
%
The human race is gonna cure the shit out of mice before it does the same
thing for itself.
	―TheRealHandSanitizer, May 2015
%
If the earth is the 3rd planet from the sun, aren't all countries technically
3rd world countries?
	―badwolf128, Aug 2015
%
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
There are dogs that understand more Spanish than me.
	―Jitszu, Sep 2015
%
Reddit is the only place in the world where I can get an informative,
thoughtful point of view from someone named PM_ME_UR_TITS
	―Left-handed, Jun 2016
%
Poor science education is one of the most dangerous things. It gives people
just enough information to think they understand stuff but not enough to
realise how very little they actually know.
	―The-Potato-Lord, May 2016
%
If you beat someone to death, they've beaten you to death.
	―skeddles, Apr 2014
%
A hundred years ago, if 100,000 people saw something you made you'd be rated a
very successful artist, writer, etc. Today, that barely qualifies as a
successful meme.
	―HipsterCosmologist, Jun 2015
%
Technically speaking, Aliens invaded the moon on July 20th 1969
	―roscoes___wetsuit, Jun 2016
%
I am as old as the universe because matter cannot be created or destroyed.
	―dudewiththebling, Jun 2013
%
The Dothraki would have considered the Red Wedding a smashing success.
	―rigel899, Nov 2015
%
Would humans have invented airplanes if all animals were flightless?
	―lalalaurrenn, Jan 2016
%
Pooping while at work is the opposite of an unpaid lunch break.
	―onefoot_fourgarretts, Jan 2016
%
If a building is built on a plot, and each floor is a story, is each room a
chapter?
	―qwertyboard_, Jun 2016
%
What if a shooting star is actually somebody driving off rainbow road?
	―OziPerv, Mar 2015
%
Using your smartphone to research your next smartphone is like asking your
girlfriend which of her friends you should date next.
	―marriedtoacanadian, Apr 2015
%
To market to teenagers, Febreeze should make a hidden camera commercial where
they fill a car full of weed and spray it with Febreeze, then get parents to
say the car smells like flowers.
	―IndianaPwns97, Jun 2015
%
most of the people i see driving around in retired police cars look the sort
of people who've spent plenty of time in the back of police cars
	―3ntl3r, Jan 2016
%
I feel like if Quentin Tarantino didn't start making movies, he would have
become a serial killer.
	―Madux37, May 2016
%
This sub is very popular yet completely karmaless
	―nicksnare, Nov 2013
%
The word 'ashtray' is pig Latin for trash.
	―we_are_babcock, Jul 2014
%
When someone named Ed is walking down the street, everyone walking towards him
is Edward.
	―applesauce_pants, Sep 2014
%
I like how Pitbull announces his name at the beginning of his songs so I can
change the radio station
	―kittenmitttons, Jan 2015
%
If a Kanye West biopic is made in the distant future, it will be almost
impossible for the lead actor to believably portray him without seeming like
they are "overacting"
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
When a browser asks "do you want to save this password?" I wish "yeah but only
if it works" was an option
	―Exploso, Apr 2016
%
Nicer restaurants give you napkins that other people have used and cheap
restaurants give you brand new ones
	―burgerlover69, Oct 2016
%
Never once in my adult life or as a child have I ever seen someone slip on a
banana peel
	―se7enx, Apr 2015
%
It's really dark inside you.
	―NoUsernameSelected, Nov 2013
%
In Star Wars, if Luke turned off his targeting computer and then missed the
Death Star's exhaust port he would have looked like the biggest jackass ever.
	―_illionaire, Aug 2015
%
When I was a kid, 1000 dollars would have bought everything that I
wanted. Now, it barely covers rent.
	―bozzy253, Jul 2016
%
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
	―Assbutting, Mar 2014
%
Considering our anatomy, it makes more sense if males wore skirts and females
wore pants.
	―mizo155, Aug 2014
%
A #1 dad mug is a terrible father's day gift if you have two gay dads.
	―LibraryLass, Apr 2015
%
I consider the redditors that live in opposite time zones of me to be the
night shift of reddit that always prepares content for me when I wake up.
	―Marvelerful, Sep 2015
%
The reason Hermione was such an "insufferable know-it-all" was so that she
could explain everything about magic to the muggles reading the books.
	―Dim_Innuendo, Jun 2016
%
Of all the organs that come in pairs, a second bladder would have been really
nice.
	―Neuronzap, Feb 2015
%
If you were on the moon during a lunar eclipse and you looked back at the
Earth, you would see it surrounded by the red ring of the sun behind it. You'd
be looking at every sunset and every sunrise on Earth at the same time.
	―MyKungFusPrettySwell, Sep 2015
%
As more people turn to internet steaming over cable, Netflix needs to adopt an
Emergency Broadcast System.
	―stupidstupidreddit, Sep 2016
%
The time when I look the most homeless is when I'm in my home.
	―UFO_o, May 2015
%
It's amazing how unforgiving we are towards bugs, we will straight up murder
them for even coming near us.
	―Redditkid16, Sep 2016
%
What if the only reason why we don't see aliens is because Earth is considered
a rare sanctuary, and the alien sightings we do hear about are just
tresspassing tourists?
	―kazuzuagogo, Mar 2015
%
The divided symbol, ÷, is just a fraction with two dots representing numbers.
	―INFLATABLE_CUCUMBER, Dec 2013
%
My ex was constantly paranoid that one day I would no longer find her
attractive. 2 years after I broke up with her, I still think she's hot - It
was her personalty I didn't like.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
A person doesn’t become homeless just because they lose all their money, but
also because they lost all their friends.
	―Davidhallen, Aug 2016
%
No... Wait a minute, dude, no matter what an egg tastes like, it literally
tastes like chicken...
	―SeriouslyGravitas, Apr 2015
%
On April Fools Day Tinder should switch the "Like" and "Nope" swipe direction
without letting anyone know about it.
	―Cheeky_Guy, Aug 2015
%
If your asscrack was horizontal, it would make a clapping noise whenever you
went up/down stairs.
	―dasracial, Jan 2016
%
People who die having sex with their SO, really did die doing what they loved.
	―creeperdragon111, May 2016
%
If you die in the same hospital you were born in, your total displacement will
be 0.
	―i-vac, Aug 2016
%
Jesus had two dads and a surrogate mom--10/10 Christians agree--he turned out
alright.
	―deadeyex15, Jun 2015
%
Saying you handle transactions for a multi-billion dollar company is way
better than saying you're a cashier at McDonald's
	―sireman, May 2015
%
Adblock is so good, if no one complained about Star Wars memorabilia being
over the top, I would have had no idea.
	―davelupt, Dec 2015
%
That Malaysia airplane is still missing.
	―t_durden55, Jun 2014
%
Since bat wings are just skin stretched between elongated finger bones, bats
fly through the power of jazz hands.
	―thatmeddlingkid7, Mar 2015
%
When you meow at a cat and it meows back, could it be correcting your
mispronunciation?
	―asdffgtqwe54, Aug 2015
%
In 35 years nursing homes will have some really awesome LAN parties.
	―bethisnicenow, Oct 2015
%
What if "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a women" just means no
threesomes?
	―Toxic_Axon, Nov 2015
%
My father saw the Moon exploration, I will see Mars exploration. I wonder what
my kids will see in their lifes.
	―backtr4ck, Dec 2014
%
People used to be fat because they could afford good food, now they're fat
because they can't afford good food
	―Notmyname4, Jun 2016
%
What if i am single because a time traveler made sure I don't meet "her" to
stop someone in our lineage from taking over the world
	―ThatDCguy69, Oct 2016
%
If you rip a hole in a net, there are now less holes in that net.
	―IAmDrinkingIcedTea, Nov 2015
%
Brains are to people what people are to cars
	―Chase_N_cash, May 2014
%
I'm black, but not African American. I've never been to Africa, I don't
identify with the African culture being as both of my parents are from the US.
	―cheritaisrandom, Oct 2016
%
Anyone who is wearing braces at the start of an apocalypse has a slim chance
of ever getting them off
	―dogfunky, May 2014
%
I've never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station.
	―supertoasty, Apr 2015
%
In 30 years, "automatic" and "manual" in a car will refer to whether or not
it's a self-driving car.
	―Plexel, Aug 2016
%
I have been burned more times by water than fire.
	―akruckus, Dec 2014
%
I only know how to spell "amateur" because of porn.
	―Throw-it_away-now, Oct 2015
%
Askreddit is like my wife. Ask one simple harmless question and recieve and
angry torrent of abuse and negative criticisms.
	―Yoguls, Jan 2016
%
How fast a car goes 60-0 is a lot more important than how fast it goes 0-60.
	―chrscoast, Aug 2015
%
Netflix should have a "Watch Together" option that allows you to watch a show
with other users
	―FireLordOzai, Jan 2015
%
What if your dog one day just randomly said "Nobody is going to believe you"
and never spoke again.
	―CptStealth, Jan 2016
%
Apple isn't killing the headphone jack, people that are buying a phone with no
headphone jack are.
	―-obliviouscommenter-, Sep 2016
%
The cyrillic Г(G) is the logic next step in the sequence E,F, in the alphabet
	―radat, May 2014
%
When you order a slice of pizza from a pizza place, you're sharing a pizza
with a group of strangers
	―k8t123, Sep 2014
%
If England waited 11 more days, we could've shared an Independence day.
	―DickStrong, Jun 2016
%
If the avengers were real, city contractors would be billionaires
	―chevy1234567, May 2015
%
I wonder if I'll ever have to write Earth at the bottom of a postal address
	―Leeroy909, Oct 2015
%
I have never seen a Starbucks commercial of any kind.
	―bradt08, Mar 2016
%
"I think we got off on the wrong foot" is a regret a foot fetishist might have
	―margarinized_people, Jan 2015
%
Eventually someone will die in a self-driving car and it will keep going to
its destination
	―phillips000, May 2015
%
The problem with democracy is that appealing to the dumb half is as good a
strategy as appealing to the smart half.
	―Troppin, Jul 2016
%
Reddit is where people with essentially the same ideals get in heated
arguments over minor technicalities.
	―Chaos773, Sep 2016
%
So far it seems like the only danger of smoking pot is getting caught by the
police. So we have created the only known danger
	―ReefsnChicks, Oct 2016
%
Children cry over every little thing because anything bad that happens is
literally the worst thing that's ever happened to them. Growing up is having
increasingly worse experiences until the little tragedies become the everyday.
	―Trieclipse, Mar 2015
%
When an elder generation complains about about bad a younger generation is,
they are basically saying that they sucked at raising kids.
	―BreakfastBeerz, Oct 2016
%
I'm so lonely that reddit is more of a social network for me than facebook is.
	―paryz17, Oct 2016
%
Our black president lives in gov housing..
	―7870FUNK, Sep 2015
%
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you've been
hoarding all weekend down to the kitchen.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
WWII is one of the rare sequels to top the original, yet no one wants to see
it become a trilogy
	―zamakhtar, Nov 2015
%
The 4 elements (Earth, Water, Air, Fire) correspond to the 4 states of matter
(Solid, Liquid, Gas, Plasma.)
	―Unitato666, Jun 2016
%
Google and Apple build driver-less cars cause the only time you're not on your
phone is when you drive.
	―ooli, Mar 2015
%
Exams are an unrealistic way to judge ability. It would be incredibly rare for
you to be in a work situation where you have the combination of; a short time
to do something, not being allowed to speak, ask for help/guidance/info or
check existing reference materials.
	―jasontredecim, Apr 2015
%
if you live in North America, my driveway is connected to yours.
	―Willisis2, Jul 2013
%
When I get a dog, I want to name him "Dammit". That way, whenever someone gets
frustrated in my house, he comes over to cheer them up.
	―Zephyr618, Aug 2015
%
Deadpool should have leaked a fake version of the film where it's just
Deadpool playing with action figures reenacting the entire film.
	―TheMightyBreeze, Feb 2016
%
Since my wife works in a hospital. Anytime i want to get out of work, i could
simply say "I need to go, my wife is in the hospital."
	―EightyNinjas, Feb 2016
%
Mitch Hedberg should be the patron saint of this sub reddit.
	―Therealeggplant, Dec 2014
%
Google is always doing an AMA
	―sparks_rog, Nov 2015
%
Dogs are just hostages with severe stockholm syndrome
	―[deleted], Nov 2015
%
I guess today is officially the day that Charlie is in charge of Wonka.
	―Jolly_Bones, Aug 2016
%
The letter "c" could easily be replaced by "k" or "s" in any sirkumstanse.
	―InspectorRack, Dec 2014
%
If s stripper is an exotic dancer, does that make a drug dealer an exotic
pharmacist?
	―IXenomorph9605, Aug 2015
%
You know you're driving a shitty car when the check engine light turns off and
that makes you worried.
	―GayForChopin, Jun 2016
%
Every time I see a NSFW tag, it hurts cause I am jobless.
	―oracham, Aug 2016
%
what if aristotle was pronounced like chipotle
	―WesterosiWench, Nov 2015
%
When the internet first became popular we were afraid of people from the
internet finding us in real life, now we're afraid of people in real life
finding out about our lives on the internet.
	―anextphilosophy, Feb 2016
%
The most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it.
	―ma71in, Jul 2015
%
A satanic band should record an album singing the nastiest parts of the bible
and release it as a christian album
	―yucacuy, Oct 2015
%
Talking is a really slow data transfer between two super computers.
	―ThatVRGuy_, Jun 2016
%
If "look like a million bucks" is a compliment in the U.S., I bet it wouldn't
work in Britain. "Does this dress make me look fat?" "No honey, you look like
a million pounds!"
	―Lock_n_key, Jul 2015
%
If there is a War on Christmas then Christmas is winning. It has taken over
the territories of both October and November from opposing factions Halloween
and Thanksgiving.
	―triteuser, Nov 2015
%
As a father I have realized that days are long and years are short.
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
I wonder how many constellations the sun is a part of.
	―Stairwayto711, Jun 2016
%
A dog born and trained in China knows more Chinese than me.
	―ohiyoo, Oct 2014
%
North Korea is getting really good at 'Boy who cried wolf' diplomacy. The day
it actually nukes Seoul, no one will believe it.
	―HeroAntagonist, Mar 2016
%
If Virtual Reality games become a thing, pro gamers will need to be in shape
as a physical sport athlete
	―Bernasss, May 2015
%
"Grandbrother" sounds much cooler than uncle.
	―Teh_Dergenbern, Feb 2015
%
Time is said to heal all wounds, but it also literally kills everyone and
everything.
	―FFF_in_WY, Apr 2016
%
If your child ends up murdering you, that means you gave birth to your own
death
	―AellaGirl, Jan 2014
%
If Star Wars happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I might be
able to watch it through a telescope right now.
	―andrewfargo, Aug 2014
%
When a website doesn't work with Internet Explorer, I blame IE. When it
doesn't work with Google Chrome, I blame the website.
	―ot2g, Apr 2016
%
I miss being the age I was when I thought I'd have it all together by the age
I am now.
	―RedKnight47, Jul 2016
%
Gum is just a human chew toy
	―MokaShakaCon, Aug 2014
%
Drawers should be called pens and pens should be called drawers
	―sindustrial777, Nov 2014
%
When you start using Reddit everyone appears to be smarter than you, a few
months later you realize you're surrounded by mob mentality.
	―Qureshi2002, Oct 2015
%
"I fell on the ground" is really a mild way of saying "I collided with a
planet"
	―Ofactorial, Oct 2016
%
Non-Vegans will always cater to their Vegan friends, but Vegans won't cater to
their omnivorous brethren.
	―Smythe28, Jan 2016
%
My dog knows more English than I know Dog.
	―findingmeno, Mar 2016
%
"umop apisdn" is "upside down" spelled upside down with different letters of
the alphabet.
	―youraverageiranian, Mar 2015
%
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
	―ZacDD, Jul 2015
%
A spoon is just a bowl that fits in your mouth
	―IsThisNameTooShort, Sep 2015
%
Growing up marijuana was seen as a gateway drug for harder drugs but,
ironically, Chuck E. Cheese was never seen as a gateway for gambling.
	―latinrprince79, Jan 2016
%
I know more people whose lives were ruined as a result of World of Warcraft
than as a result of smoking pot
	―[deleted], Sep 2016
%
It would suck if you were bisexual and the man of your dreams married the
woman of your dreams
	―AeroTheManiac, Dec 2015
%
I'm a guy living with two girls and they'll never know how hard I try to keep
the toilet bowl clean by "peeing off" marks and stains.
	―jag5213, Apr 2016
%
There are approximately as many boobs as there are humans in the world.
	―Bandage, Jan 2014
%
It should be illegal for radio commercials to include the sound of cars
honking.
	―catestone, Aug 2016
%
My body is actually a compulsive hoarder who keeps all this fat "just in case
I need it later"
	―simobk, Mar 2014
%
I bet when the Pope is in a room where someone sneezes, everyone looks at him
expectantly.
	―Barflyerdammit, Sep 2015
%
Steam should have an option to enter your PC specs and allow you to filter
games by whether or not you can run it.
	―CrunchyChristmas, Sep 2016
%
(as a guy) Trying to pee in the toilet in darkness is a practical human use of
echolocation.
	―soyouwannabeapanda, Mar 2016
%
I'm glad Reddit looks plain. I can browse it openly and most people assume I'm
reading news or informational articles, etc. If I browse sites like Facebook
or Twitter everyone knows I'm just wasting time.
	―iamgringostar, Aug 2016
%
I share my random thoughts with strangers because my family members won't care
about them.
	―singh_sahil24, Sep 2016
%
We always say "drugs and alcohol" as if alcohol isn't a drug. Why don't we
just say "drugs?"
	―Ganjake, Jul 2016
%
When I turned 30, I wondered when I'd finally mature. Now at 31, I've realized
I've already grown up, and it's alright to still like the cereal with the
marshmallows in it.
	―hellslave, Jul 2016
%
Sometimes I see an animal, and I wonder if among that species, that particular
dude or girl is considered handsome.
	―elharry-o, Apr 2014
%
Asking someone a question used to be a good way to start a conversation. Now
that we can just "google it", I almost feel like asking someone a question
makes me look lazy or weird for not having just searched for it on the
internet.
	―Flonkus, Mar 2015
%
I'm less likely to buy a product from a 30 second YouTube ad I can't skip
	―Willsuck, Jun 2016
%
The leaning Tower of Pisa - When you fuck up so bad it becomes a tourist
attraction.
	―OpieArmy, Jul 2016
%
If Santa travels faster than the speed of light to deliver all of the presents
in time, what good is a reindeer with a light up nose to guide the way?
	―[deleted], Dec 2013
%
Father's day is a day dedicated to mother fuckers.
	―Quiddity99, Sep 2014
%
A knee is a really big knuckle
	―Fujiou, Apr 2016
%
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
Cannibalism holds the potential to solve both hunger and overpopulation
problems.
	―Hatiius, Jun 2015
%
Someone in Indiana with the last name Harrison should open a Ford dealership
so it would be called "Harrison Ford" with the slogan is "The people of
Indiana jones for our low prices."
	―new-clear-dawn, Oct 2015
%
The second oldest person in the world should get a world record for the
longest period of time without winning a world record.
	―bosco511, Jan 2016
%
Falling asleep with the TV on is the adult version of being read a bed time
story.
	―LITERALLY_LMAO, Feb 2016
%
If you buy DiGiorno pizza through Amazon Fresh, technically it is delivery.
	―leonardoty, Sep 2016
%
"Only" is "one" in adverb ("-ly") form
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
"Don't kid yourself" should be a slogan for birth control pills
	―dudenamedharry, Dec 2015
%
If I die before you, I beat you to death. But if I beat you to death, you die
before me.
	―fapples_and_bananas, Jun 2016
%
I wish there were an option to send a low priority text message that doesn't
notify the recipient until they unlock their phone.
	―Squid2012, Apr 2016
%
If Spiderman were actually anatomically similar to a spider he would shoot web
out of his ass and not his wrists.
	―jaerickson, Apr 2014
%
Has anyone actually finished the "99 of beer on the wall" song?
	―twinhed, Jul 2014
%
Placing an ad before a youtube video I like to watch is the safest way to make
me dislike a product.
	―astralcalculus, Feb 2015
%
"Know what would look good on you? Nothing." Is both an insult and a
compliment.
	―scrotum-skin_handbag, Mar 2015
%
The trees planted on city sidewalks should be replaced with fruit trees, so
the homeless have something to eat in the summer and fall.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
What if the Russians were doping not to win, but so they wouldn't have to go
to Rio.
	―_BindersFullOfWomen_, Aug 2016
%
I've never seen Fight Club, but because of the first rule of fight club, I've
never had the movie spoiled for me.
	―Dirnol, Aug 2016
%
"Puffington Host" would be a great name for a marijuana-centered newspaper
	―tangalicious, Feb 2014
%
The only reason you're mad at your past self for procrastinating, is because
you want to procrastinate now.
	―ViktorKruchev, Apr 2016
%
TVs went from curving outwards, to flatscreen, to curving inwards.
	―CheriiPi, Aug 2016
%
Since dogs don't understand language, when I sit and read a book for hours,
they probably think we are just super entertained by turning the pages.
	―BrodaTheWise, Sep 2015
%
What if Elon Musk is actually a stranded alien who needs humanity to develop
interstellar travel to get home
	―berger321, Jul 2016
%
As I get older, I've realized that part of being an adult is being tired all
the time and trying to find different ways to deal with it.
	―ProdigyLightshow, Oct 2016
%
There are thousands of people who have never heard of and therefore died
winning "The Game".
	―kris_olis, Apr 2014
%
Yesterday I really wanted spaghetti. Today I am eating spaghetti. Follow your
fucking dreams.
	―MakeYourMarks, Sep 2015
%
My goals in life have very good goalies
	―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016
%
/r/Showerthoughts Best of 2013 Winners!
	―drumcowski, Jan 2014
%
Texting your crush is like a turn based strategy game, while calling them is
like a real time strategy game.
	―AtTheSameTimeTwice, Aug 2014
%
The more I light my lighter, the lighter my lighter gets until it's too light
to light.
	―MXXlV, Dec 2015
%
If I were Chinese, I would point at random westerners' Chinese tattoos and say
"Hey, I love shrimp fried rice as well!"
	―cdna, May 2016
%
When I was a kid, the Bundy's were poor. Now I wish I could afford a house
like that....
	―Im_Hugh_Mungus, Sep 2016
%
In the Transformers movie, the auto bots said they scanned the entire internet
and learned everything about the humans. Which means Optimus Prime has seen a
lot of porn
	―Dunkcity239, Nov 2013
%
Wondering if whoever hacked MySpace can let me know my login information too.
	―janilane17, Jun 2016
%
Harry Potter is the ultimate example of someone that 'peaked in high school.'
	―TimLoz, Sep 2016
%
"Single and ready to mingle" is really just "Alone and desperate to bone"
	―leedleleedlelee90, Aug 2015
%
White people could refer to each other as nillas.
	―wtfmuck, Dec 2014
%
Between a drunk person and a sober person, if one of their cars gets fucked by
the other, the drunk one gets arrested. But if one of them gets fucked by the
other, the sober one gets arrested.
	―Stergeary, Aug 2015
%
Windows should make an antivirus program called Microsoft Officer.
	―The_Anal_Intruder, Apr 2014
%
Madonna isn't really 'kissing celebrities' for shock value, she's sucking the
youth out of younger people to stay alive.
	―WHOREMOAANS, Apr 2015
%
Lorde should have been Randy Marsh for Halloween.
	―Cookachoo, Nov 2015
%
If you took an IQ test online and it told you that you had a high IQ and you
believed it, then you probably don't have a high IQ.
	―FoundTin, Dec 2015
%
This Halloween they should make Google's homepage "Ghoulgle"
	―TheIncredibleD, Sep 2016
%
Blink-182 is a bunch of guys in their 40's, singing to an audience in their
20's about being a teenager
	―Zappastuski, Aug 2016
%
Since the earth is spinning on its axis, as well as orbiting the sun, and all
galaxies are in motion as well, I've come to realize the only thing in the
universe that's actually stationary is my girlfriend's stance on anal
	―ibjixx1, Jul 2015
%
USA vs. Germany... England vs. Japan... The women's world cup is getting a
little bit WWIIish
	―decomposition_major, Jun 2015
%
Racism must be confusing to blind people.
	―gav1230, Nov 2013
%
Amazon has spoiled me to the point where anything over 2 days for shipping
seems like an outrage.
	―cye604, Apr 2016
%
What if Disney Animation made Frozen just so a Google search of "Walt Disney
Frozen" wouldn't be the top result about the man himself
	―Marty_Mac_Fly, Jan 2015
%
Whenever I think I made a bad choice, I remember the number of publishing
companies that said no to Harry Potter
	―TinySassQueen, Jun 2016
%
If you got your tongue stuck in a mouse trap, you'd start pronouncing it
'mouth trap', and that's exactly what it is
	―Loveisjusta, Aug 2016
%
Masturbating only feels half as good as sex, but sex feels only half as good
as you imagine it when masturbating.
	―orthoros, Jun 2016
%
A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.
	―PossiblyNSA, Oct 2016
%
Some people's PIN numbers are 6173, and this post probably makes them want a
new one.
	―Golf_and_Booze, Jul 2015
%
I want a bumper sticker that says "I was once an honor student too. This is
your child's future." This should look good on the back of my broken down 2000
Honda Civic.
	―dmillzilla, Jan 2016
%
/r/showerthoughts is like /r/woahdude for sober people
	―muytemprano, Jul 2013
%
Since cursive writing is no longer being taught in school, we can use it as
secert code against upcoming generation's
	―critter561, Sep 2014
%
Children of hipsters may choose to dress normally to rebel against their
parents.
	―mustash_cash_stash, May 2015
%
The "You're in good hands" guys, the Mayhem guy, Flo, the Geico Gecko, and the
State Farm guy (J.K. Simmons) should team up and do a Superbowl commercial
about preventing drunk driving.
	―xsat2234, Sep 2015
%
A guy has to blow himself up to get 72 virgins. A girl just has to reveal her
gender on the internet.
	―tobyps, Dec 2015
%
They should put a button on television remotes that fades the screen to black
and rolls credits so I can tell my kids the show is over whenever the hell I
want.
	―thomasbomm, Aug 2016
%
The song "Happy" by Pharrell makes me fucking hostile, while the song "Fucking
Hostile" by Pantera makes me happy.
	―Dan_Berg, Nov 2015
%
What if Deadpool takes over the cameo role for Stan Lee after he passes?
	―ThatSchmoDude42, Feb 2016
%
It would be cool to see an album of all the pictures you've accidentally
photobombed in public
	―Daeesh, Sep 2014
%
When a girl is looking at me, the difficulty level of everything I do
increases automatically.
	―anuragdidit, Jul 2015
%
Paperclips are just staples with less commitment
	―PUCKIN_RIGHT_BOYS, Jun 2016
%
Why aren't iPhone chargers called apple juice?
	―MopsWilly, Nov 2013
%
Somewhere out there, in the infinite expanse of the universe, there is a
planet whose night sky has a penis constellation
	―Chispy, Apr 2014
%
What if I have a super power but it's something impractical in this day and
age, like being immune to cannon fire or talking to dodos?
	―Demihaze, Sep 2015
%
If steroids are banned for athletes, auto-tune should be banned for singers.
	―Beop_Jeong, Nov 2015
%
If you pay entry fee to a marathon, they literally give you a run for your
money.
	―Prittfire, Sep 2014
%
For April fools day, SnapChat should have all of their filters work as normal,
but once sent the filter is removed.
	―kbfunk, Sep 2016
%
I usually assume people who know the date automatically have their shit more
together than I do.
	―Dustinthemighty, Oct 2016
%
If it weren't for auto correct, I would never have heard of Redditch, England.
	―mtme3, Aug 2015
%
If you work a job that relies on tips, your employer is basically crowd
funding your wage.
	―1Spoochy1, Dec 2015
%
If Michael Cera started a clothing line, he could use the slogan "Try Cera
Tops"
	―bangoskankwashere, Nov 2015
%
Why is it okay for the main character in movies to kill hundreds of innocent
people working for the bad guys just to save a specific person important to
him. I mean those guys had families too.
	―Parry11, Apr 2016
%
Antarctica probably has the highest average IQ of any continent
	―Halatrie, Apr 2016
%
I replaced facebook with reddit and my life has been way better!
	―yoloswagto, Sep 2016
%
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
	―abyssalheaven, Dec 2014
%
Gay sex is literally twice as manly as straight sex
	―comfortablesexuality, Mar 2016
%
I'd rather skip a song every time it comes up in my playlist than remove it
altogether.
	―12u55, Oct 2016
%
Wouldn't it be hilarious if they came up with some kind of vaccination that
prevented autism?
	―majorthrownaway, Jan 2015
%
The Westboro Baptist Church have probably seen more gay people making out than
most non-members
	―leefinny, Mar 2015
%
Reddit has had 13 million users and by now a thread has to have happened where
a commenter, has in fact, banged OP's mom.
	―frizzaks, Jul 2015
%
We stop using "brb" because we never have to leave our devices anymore.
	―instantromannoodles, Oct 2015
%
The bathrooms in Star Wars must have to be pretty versatile to suit all the
different species.
	―stargrown, Dec 2015
%
People dismiss alien abductions as unrealistic but if we were able to go to a
planet with life we totally would take some of those aliens and research them.
	―unggnu, Mar 2016
%
If Facebook and Instagram stopped showing the number of likes a post gets, I
wonder how many people would continue posting photos and selfies of
themselves.
	―dehydratedaardvark, Aug 2016
%
Lego should open up Drink n' Build workshop stores exclusively for adults. Pay
$20, crack open a few beers, pick out some legos from dozens of huge bins,
build something and if you want buy it on your way out (pay by weight).
	―JustCrazyIdeas, Nov 2014
%
Every problem that takes place on earth is a "third world problem" since earth
is the third planet from the sun.
	―wcrbarker, Apr 2014
%
Almost every person I've ever met and thought "I hope they don't have
children" ... has kids. Almost every decidedly child-free person I've ever met
... would make a good parent.
	―Randydeluxe, Oct 2016
%
If Cinderella's shoe was a perfect fit, then how did it fall off?
	―rubiks-disaster, Nov 2015
%
A baby born today may live to see the year 2100
	―Gschaller12, Dec 2013
%
King of the Hill deserved better than being canceled to make room for The
Cleveland Show
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
Most of the Spirit halloween stores, open up temporarily in stores that went
out of business. They are the spirit of the dead store.
	―inServus, Oct 2016
%
The recommended age to have an Ouija board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be
21 to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
	―unicorn_hardon, Apr 2016
%
If I meet someone in real life who has one mutual friend, that's more than
enough to make a lasting connection. If I meet someone on Facebook with one
mutual friend, I assume they are a robot who is trying to steal my identity
and sell me sunglasses.
	―JeremyMcLellan, Sep 2016
%
A penis is really just a "fleshdrive" that transfers genetic data.
	―Ziqqe, Dec 2014
%
The actor who played Jesus in Jesus Christ Super Star has been Jesus on stage
(40+ years) for longer than Jesus was Jesus (33 years)
	―Baldurs_Gate_Rules, May 2015
%
Every year, we unknowingly pass the anniversary of our future death.
	―bossevan, Oct 2013
%
Celebrities should hire paparazzi to harass paparazzi and publish it all in
their own faux celebrity gossip magazine.
	―brettworth, Sep 2014
%
Suicide is a mortal sin to stop religious crazies from killing themselves in
order to be with their god.
	―LogicShift, Feb 2015
%
If I was a serial killer, I'd leave a Klondike bar wrapper at every murder
scene, letting everyone know exactly what I would do for a Klondike bar.
	―Veigar_Bot, Jul 2015
%
I bet Clark Kent lied during his job interview when asked what was his
greatest weakness.
	―zer0w0rries, Aug 2016
%
If the good die young, then why must we respect our elders?
	―I_chew_big_red, Apr 2016
%
Music is sculpted air pressure
	―jim45804, Aug 2016
%
At 36 years old, I am older then Al Bundy was at the start of Married with
Children. When watching the show as a kid, I always thought he was an old
loser. I fear what that means I am.
	―Jaleou, Nov 2015
%
Dating is just a series of interviews to become a partner at a two-person
company whose only mission is sustaining mutual happiness.
	―tMoneyMoney, Sep 2016
%
A programmer programmed the program that programmers use for programming
programs.
	―PlamenDrop, May 2016
%
The word "nemo" is Latin for "nobody." So perhaps the eponymous character from
Finding Nemo never existed. Nemo's father has a psychotic break after losing
his entire family in the prologue and the rest of the film takes place in his
mind.
	―skyant, Aug 2016
%
All microwaves should have an "after hours" setting that stops the beeper from
going off when your food is ready so you don't wake anybody up while you're
trying to make some Cup O' Noodles.
	―LPfor3v3r, Oct 2014
%
There should be a dollar store in the UK called "Pound Town"
	―zoltamatron, Feb 2015
%
The only "ads" I ever hear on Spotify are Spotify ads telling me why I should
pay to remove ads
	―AdventureMax, Jul 2016
%
To the man who put a 'B' in 'subtle', bravo.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
In other people's dreams, I've met people I don't know.
	―ossetepo, Dec 2013
%
Thinking back on it, saying the pledge of allegiance every morning before
school started was kind of weird and cult-like
	―SellMeAllYourKarma, Jul 2016
%
Gary Busey's out there just doing something right now.
	―xitzengyigglz, Jun 2015
%
Whoever put the “b” in “subtle” was a really clever person.
	―55827493827, Sep 2016
%
People who believe in those "forward or you will die, etc" chain mails,
actually send misfortune and death to their "beloved ones" (even their own
children) to save themselves.
	―EmiliaAllerton, Oct 2016
%
Someone should make an Eastern European dating site called "Czech Mate"
	―[deleted], Jul 2013
%
The fact that Jessica Biel decided NOT to name her son Batmo is quite a missed
opportunity
	―tonyvirtual, Jul 2015
%
When Im browsing reddit in bed next to my wife, NSFW means Not Safe For Wife
	―hxcdsal, Oct 2015
%
When I have a blocked nose I think about times I didn't have a blocked nose
and how I took it for granted.
	―PM_ME_IM_SINGLE, Nov 2014
%
Every time Albert Einstein jerked it, he had a stroke of genius.
	―alpha_helix_87, Dec 2014
%
When you eat at home as a family, everyone eats the same meal. But if you went
out to a restaurant and everyone ordered the exact same thing, that'd be
considered strange and even frowned upon
	―sendmefrenchfries, Nov 2015
%
It would be really convenient if my eyes could use "Ctrl+f" to search for
things.
	―360yy, Apr 2016
%
Amazon should have a 'Things You May Like Under $5' section so we can get free
shipping for $25 when we're short and don't know what to get.
	―kratFOZ, Jul 2016
%
Pokémon GO is just geocaching reinvented.
	―ButterUpDaBooty, Jul 2016
%
I'm part of the last generation to know what it's like to grow up in the world
before the internet.
	―bethisnicenow, Oct 2015
%
Healthy is simply the slowest rate at which you can die.
	―Alacritous, Jun 2013
%
What if babies cry because they they still remember their past lives, and
leaving the ones they loved behind?
	―Jareth86, Apr 2014
%
The most iconic villan in Indiana Jones is a large rock.
	―Dolphythedolphin, Jan 2016
%
If an hourly worker is involved in a hostage situation at work, do they get
paid for being there? Does that make them a professional hostage?
	―AdAstraHawk, Mar 2016
%
My "type" is a female version of me, but much better. I need to find someone
who wants a male version of herself, but much worse!
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
A room gets smaller every time you paint it.
	―BakinBacon23, Apr 2014
%
If God really wanted to impress, he would have made Joseph pregnant.
	―truthaboutcs, Jun 2016
%
Religious people that haven't read their Holy book are basically clicking
"Agree" without reading the Terms and Conditions
	―MatMaf, Jul 2016
%
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy MDMA which is pretty much the same
thing.
	―swalton2992, Apr 2015
%
In the time span of other countries, the US is a dumb teenager with way to
much money. We spend it all on "cool" shit like weapons, and think education
is stupid
	―colehoots, Nov 2015
%
The insides of pockets should be made of the same kind of cloth used to polish
phone screens.
	―davematts, Sep 2014
%
Ginger was the only Spice Girl who was actually a spice.
	―[deleted], Sep 2014
%
I've never touched a bowling pin
	―Myztical, Jul 2015
%
People who cook at home try to make their food taste like a professional made
it, while restaurant chefs try to make their food taste homemade.
	―astrophillo, Jan 2016
%
I've never been so congested that I couldn't taste how shitty cough syrup is.
	―TenaciousC89, Oct 2016
%
Couples who don't have children because they don't want to contribute to
overpopulation are the ones that ought to have children.
	―tenwordstoomuch, Dec 2014
%
If you got a million dollars every day of your life and you lived to be 150,
you still wouldn't have anywhere near as much money as Bill Gates has.
	―thepenaltytick, Nov 2014
%
What if time travel does exist but we don't see time travelers because, in the
long run, the 21st century isn't important or exciting enough to travel to.
	―tcalhoon, Jun 2015
%
Why not make reddit skins that look like Microsoft Outlook, LotusNotes and
other frequently used email software so that people could browse while at
work.
	―TheManOfTimeAndSpace, Apr 2014
%
You will never lose a game of Russian roulette as long as you live.
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
9/11 was closer to the fall of the Berlin Wall than the present day
	―honeypuppy, Jul 2013
%
I excelled at Algebra, Calculus, and Trigonometry in high school and
college... 20 years later and I've never used any of it once and can't
remember 99% of it.
	―chainsawx72, Apr 2016
%
Maybe if we announce that Buzzfeed's shutting down, Buzzfeed will announce
that it's shutting down.
	―One_Lurker, Mar 2015
%
People that say "I don't care about mass surveillance, I'm not doing anything
wrong" don't realize that the people surveying you can change what is
considered 'wrong' based on their own interests.
	―CombTheDessert, Sep 2016
%
The pope goes to Sweden and Italy is hit by a 6.66 earthquake.
	―Decestor, Oct 2016
%
If you get fired from the unemployment office you just have to go back the
next day.
	―Tubbyfatts82, Aug 2015
%
I'm 25 and just realized that Fruit of the Loom is a romantic way of saying
"end product of a textile factory".
	―Diskojawkey, Oct 2016
%
When someone says, "You just made my day", it usally makes the other person's
day
	―magiclol, Jun 2013
%
I hope I never go to jail. I haven't memorized a phone number since 2002.
	―donniesf, Dec 2015
%
In ancient times, a bag of Trail Mix would be a luxury unlike any
other. They'd have to import chocolate from Central America, cashews from
India, almonds from Africa, peanuts from South America, and raisins from North
America.
	―solarbabies, Sep 2016
%
"Original" means either, "unlike anyone has ever done before", or "exactly how
everyone used to do it".
	―mantorius, Jul 2014
%
It must be hard for people in England to tell other people when they have a
bloody nose
	―JLin45, Feb 2015
%
I wish people offered me weed as much as my health teacher said they would.
	―kingqueefsalot, Nov 2015
%
girls in porn are so happy after a facial because they finished working
	―wardaddy_, Nov 2015
%
Two people could be born at exactly the same time, but have different
birthdays due to the timezones.
	―Maximuso, Jul 2013
%
Since marijuana is really just a flower, and legalization is on its way,
Cannabis Bouquets for you SO will more than likely be a thing we do in the
future
	―Deanbledblue, May 2015
%
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson should make a cookbook so we can finally smell what
he's been cooking.
	―wobblee, Nov 2015
%
I can do amazing drifts, jumps and other things in racing games that I
couldn't do in real life. Yet driving normally and keeping the car on the
right side in those games is next to impossible.
	―gustavfrigolit, Jul 2016
%
When entering a website and a video starts playing automatically, I leave
immediately and never come back
	―gloern, Oct 2016
%
Who keeps giving homeless people sharpies?
	―Ya_ya_ya_ya, Sep 2014
%
My girlfriend has literally sucked life out of me.
	―Scott_Free27, Apr 2015
%
Once you've read the dictionary, every other book you read is just a remix
	―TheGreatestAlive, Apr 2015
%
I wonder how many of Internet Explorer's first searches are "Download Chrome"
	―Silky__Mitts, Apr 2016
%
The reason Harry wasn't chosen for Ravenclaw was because he tried to catch the
Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the fucking floor.
	―CapytannHook, Jun 2016
%
Despite Fido being a "typical" name for a dog, I have never actually met or
heard of a dog named Fido.
	―vallence, Sep 2015
%
It's a shame great minds think alike. If they thought differently, we'd get
double the great ideas.
	―SDFprowler, Jul 2016
%
Someone should invent glasses you wear at the theatre that allows only the
wearers to see subtitles.
	―nomadbynature120, Jul 2016
%
Foot fetishes are like clown phobias. I don't have either, but sometimes I can
kind of understand why people would.
	―batsdx, Aug 2016
%
I wonder if the shower was a "bath thought".
	―leeimrie, Feb 2016
%
As a person who visits Reddit a normal amount of time, I rarely notice
reposts. People who complain about seeing reposts over and over are basically
admitting they have a problem
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
If an egg is broken by an outside force, life ends. If an egg is broken by an
inside force, life begins.
	―RichardMoisten, Feb 2014
%
100% of Disney queens are evil. Therefore all of the Disney princesses are
closeted psychopaths.
	―Cranberry__Sauce, Nov 2015
%
Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option.
	―sms102, Sep 2016
%
For the amount of sex in Game of Thrones, there's a ridiculously low number of
pregnant women and children seen.
	―thenoob14, Jun 2016
%
The Lion King: The song 'I just can't wait to be king' is literally, 'I can't
wait for my dad to die.'
	―jck73, Jun 2016
%
We're already living in space.
	―ovaknight, Oct 2016
%
When you pop bubble wrap, you're releasing a bi-product of the import. Chinese
air.
	―octafed, May 2014
%
The battery percentage left on my phone when I get home from work is roughly
equivalent to the effort level I put in while I was there.
	―furrald, Jan 2016
%
As a 55 year old male, I thought Ariana Grande was a font.
	―DougSR01, Aug 2016
%
"Scalping" tickets at Redskins games is especially offensive.
	―gmb87, Aug 2014
%
People go to college mostly so they can shower before their jobs instead of
after.
	―ZombieAlpacaLips, Jan 2016
%
Airports are the only place where I don't think twice about people drinking
booze at 7 in the morning
	―I_Never_Red_It, Apr 2016
%
TIL should be called "What I just read on Wikipedia"
	―Invicta_Game, Jun 2015
%
Isn't it amazing how one tiny egg, and one tiny sperm can come together and
turn into a colossal twat?
	―neolobers, Aug 2016
%
I wonder how many page views Google gets every day from people who just want
to check if their internet is working.
	―CubesAndPi, Apr 2014
%
I wonder if the person that will perform my autopsy has been born yet.
	―KRSFive, Nov 2014
%
Maybe the future 2015 as seen in Back to the Future 2 was a correct
representation, but the making of the film series dramatically altered the
space time continuum.
	―CapnFancyPants, May 2014
%
Automatic garage door openers should have carbon monoxide detectors to help
prevent suicide.
	―Monell, Sep 2014
%
When you see a word missing an e (like Flickr or Tumblr), that's the present
trying to look like the future. When you see a word with an extra e (think Ye
Olde Towne Bar & Grille), that's the present trying to look like the past.
	―mrsaturdaypants, Apr 2015
%
Cars should have a light on either side to indicate to other drivers which way
you plan to turn.
	―oneultralamewhiteboy, Jun 2015
%
My dog has no way of understanding the concept of pizza delivery, so to her it
must seem like some stranger shows up every few weeks, gives me pizza, and
then leaves
	―thaFalkon, Aug 2016
%
The Earth is slowly losing water via Astronaut pee.
	―danielbing1, Mar 2015
%
There are three pronunciations of the letter 'a' in the name Abraham
	―TheRealCaco, Dec 2015
%
They should do a sequel to Ferris Bueller's Day Off where he skips a day of
work as an adult.
	―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2016
%
I really hope THIS isn't the alternate universe where Trump becomes president.
	―rharrison, Jul 2015
%
I am willing to bet that every carpenter who has ever picked up a stud finder
has pointed it at himself, said "beep," and declared it to be in perfect
working order.
	―QuiGonGingerAle, May 2016
%
If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your
mental illness.
	―FourWordReplies, Sep 2016
%
The first Xbox is commonly referred to as Xbox 1, the third is called Xbox
One. The franchise name has come full circle, which is a 360.
	―tennybrains, Aug 2015
%
Technically, you can go the rest of your life without eating.
	―VayneInVain, Oct 2015
%
The guy who discovered popcorn must've freaked the fuck out
	―cubictortoise, Jun 2016
%
Programming is just witchcraft with technology
	―StupidQuestions4You, Apr 2016
%
Porn sites should have an "I'm feeling lucky" button for when you're not
really sure what you want to watch.
	―L0kiMotion, Sep 2016
%
Much like pornography has given people unrealistic expectations of their sex
life, my time on reddit has left me deeply dissatisfied with my cat.
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean; If a woman says you’re ugly she’s
envious; If a little kid says you’re ugly...you’re ugly.
	―ZeusThunder369, Apr 2015
%
If I can't find your hours of operation within 30 seconds on your website, you
need to change your website.
	―FLHca, Feb 2016
%
In sci-fi, the AIs that awaken & destroy humanity always have edgy names
like "Skynet" or "Matrix". In real life, it'll probably be something like
"Google Spadoodle".
	―proterozoic, Jul 2015
%
If dismembering someone means to take off their limbs, shouldn't remembering
someone mean putting them back together?
	―Nigelmoore212, Dec 2015
%
Shadowbanned users are like ghosts of redditors, they try to communicate with
us but can't, we feel their presence and most of the times they don't even
know they are shadowbanned.
	―it_roll, Jun 2016
%
A $1 condom failure could cost you $250,000
	―bingcrosbyb, May 2015
%
We say "hair" when referring to lots of it but say "hairs" when referring to a
few.
	―KyleDM, May 2015
%
What if people staring at you are time tourists who came back in time to see
you because in the future you're famous?
	―Werben1agerman1ensen, Oct 2015
%
It's only socially acceptable for a person to say that they think they're
beautiful if they aren't.
	―mordeci00, Apr 2016
%
My Wife is also my ex-girlfriend.
	―MikeHoncho43, Mar 2015
%
"Boneless Wings" are just chicken nuggets that are marketed towards adults.
	―Pigonthewing12, Oct 2016
%
Professors always say "don't copy stuff off the internet," but now that I can
Google all my assignments, I can see they're just copying the questions and
problem sets that other professors wrote and almost never source their work
	―SnakeLee, Nov 2015
%
The only time you can brag about having sex to your parents is when you are
having a baby.
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
(?|?) looks like The Riddler's butt cheeks
	―FuckedAsBored, Jun 2014
%
Snakes are just tails with faces.
	―atzyrus, Jun 2015
%
My wife is pregnant. With the baby she has 8 limbs. Spiders have 8 limbs. I
hate spiders. I hate my wife
	―MNOutdoors, Apr 2016
%
Tangled was surprisingly underrated compared to Frozen.
	―P403B3, Mar 2016
%
The two NBA teams in states with legal weed are called the Nuggets and the
Blazers...
	―arnold_palmer42, Nov 2014
%
Football is basically two coaches playing "wizard's chess."
	―VanGoghingSomewhere, Nov 2015
%
The guy who holds the world record for "most world records" has a lead of at
least two.
	―duneboggler, Sep 2016
%
"Taking candy from a baby" would actually be a responsible thing to do.
	―DjBravo_, Oct 2016
%
The word "Englishman" is polite, but the word "Chinaman" is derogatory.
	―seppukuzushi, Nov 2014
%
I really want some film maker to have an actor loudly fart in a scene but not
for comedic value, but because that shit happens.
	―eamisagomey, Apr 2014
%
Given the choice between $1,000,000,000 or a single chicken wing, a dog will
choose the chicken wing every time.
	―CoolMikeLawrence, Aug 2014
%
If your child is bullied for being fat, up to a certain age those children are
mocking your child for your parenting decisions
	―Richyagarwal, Aug 2015
%
If fish could scream, fishing would probably be a lot less popular.
	―postymcpostpost, Dec 2015
%
On April fools pornhub should have a fake notification pop-up saying
"successfully shared to Facebook"
	―jcam6972, Mar 2016
%
When I have sex there is a chance I get viruses. When I watch porn there is a
chance my computer gets viruses.
	―onlyusernameleftsigh, May 2016
%
Saying you enjoy "people watching" is a lot less creepy than "watching people"
	―minimas, Jul 2016
%
Sleep is the only thing that you fake doing in order to actually do it
	―zanzibar_74, Nov 2013
%
Every time I browse /personalfinance, I end up reading posts by people half my
age complaining about making twice as much as I do.
	―42words, Jul 2016
%
The fact that an ad thanking me for not using Adblock is the only one that
managed to sneak through my Adblock is hilarious.
	―ThisIsForRandall, Dec 2015
%
In GTA I only get shot if I'm wielding a gun or a crime has actually been
committed. Proving that video games are only slightly less violent than the
reality they are based on.
	―Nato-jenkins, Jul 2016
%
The Christian church is the world's largest book club.
	―JackSomebody, Sep 2014
%
I want to hear my native language as a foreign language
	―Rqwt, Apr 2016
%
Obi-Wan hid Luke on Tatooine because he knew how much his father hated sand.
	―oakenday, Oct 2016
%
Saying "prematurely" is really just mashing together the phrase "pretty much
too early." Say it quickly and you'll understand.
	―xlbrainslushies, Apr 2015
%
The person who coined the phrase "coined the phrase" coined the phrase.
	―harleycummins, Aug 2016
%
If I legally changed my name to "They're All a Bunch of Useless Assholes" and
then got my name on the ballot, I could win the presidency by a landslide.
	―Smeghead333, Oct 2015
%
I almost didn't join Reddit because the layout was so annoying, but now I
couldn't imagine it any other way.
	―Subwaycookienipples, Mar 2016
%
Do hipsters go on Amazon and sort clothing by least to most popular?
	―Adeang, Apr 2016
%
"Firefly," is the opposite of "waterfall."
	―internetcapo, Jul 2015
%
"Www" is 9 syllables long, whereas "World wide web" is three syllables long.
	―WorzelBummidge, Jul 2015
%
The biggest joke of spongebob is that he works at a fast-food place and can
afford a house
	―hiimchey, Jan 2016
%
In Game of Thrones, the Night's Watch should really consider wearing white
cloaks instead of black ones in order to blend with the snow and not be
spotted.
	―Vitrin99, Jun 2016
%
Bumper cars is a terrible way to introduce driving to kids
	―guitarium, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if I've already worn the clothes I'm going to die in.
	―corekeymaker, Dec 2013
%
I wonder if I've ever pressed the "8" key on my microwave.
	―FreshGnar, Aug 2015
%
We should surround sarcastic text with curly brackets. {Oh, what a great
idea!}
	―DrLemonPepper, Oct 2015
%
As I get older, birthday parties are less about presents and more about
presence
	―BareLondis, May 2016
%
I'm not sure if Samsung re-branding the Galaxy as the Phoenix would be a
brilliant or disastrous marketing move.
	―Arugulaboogaloo, Oct 2016
%
In the year 2020, it will be 4/20 for an entire month.
	―castroifyer, Dec 2013
%
USA is like your hipster friend who hates mainstream stuff like soccer and the
metric system.
	―_new_username_, Feb 2016
%
Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" is all about honesty and it's been
used to be dishonest millions of times.
	―SwimmingNaked, Apr 2015
%
There's no way for me to say that generalizations are stupid without being a
hypocrite.
	―doorkn00b, Dec 2015
%
It's harder for kids to buy a rated M game than to get access to porn
	―AlphaQsofaKingDirty, Dec 2015
%
I wonder if trees are allergic to our sperm too.
	―kinngshaun, Mar 2016
%
A non-English speaker would never believe the spoken sentence "Ted had said
that Ed had edited it" means anything.
	―ChalkboardCowboy, Apr 2015
%
Highwaythoughts: On the back of road signs, they should put the text in
reverse, that way, you can read the sign you just passed in your rear view
mirror, in case you missed it the first time.
	―techwiz850, May 2015
%
Toothpaste manufacturers: why don't you release a toothpaste that does
"everything" instead of making me feel guilty about choosing which aspect of
my teeth i'm neglecting everytime i buy a specific toothpaste?
	―frankreynoldsisgod, Jul 2016
%
The word "Dude" is gender neutral. Because I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a
dude. We're all dudes.
	―Awesomanti, Sep 2016
%
Dragons can't blow out candles
	―[deleted], Feb 2014
%
If all fingerprints are unique, and act as friction pads, then some people are
inherently better at holding onto things than others.
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
Dog heaven and squirrel hell are the same place.
	―txcowmobeeler, Apr 2016
%
Don't get mad if you parents ask "simple tech questions" because they taught
you how to use a spoon.
	―Thechangingboy, Jul 2016
%
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie getting divorced would be great marketing for a
Mr. & Mrs. Smith 2.
	―Lootjoy, Sep 2016
%
Netflix should introduce a feature were long-distance couples can watch the
same movie at the same time.
	―siktha, Jan 2015
%
There should be a mute button on microwaves so that midnight snacks would be
one second less stressful
	―RFOX7777, Aug 2015
%
I will drink hot coffee, I will drink iced coffee, but I will dump room
temperature coffee down the drain.
	―PerhapsAlaska, Oct 2015
%
If you illegally download a movie in Jamaica, does that make you a Pirate of
the Caribbean?
	―CUNEXTUESDAY11, Dec 2013
%
If an illegal immigrant fought a child molester would it be Predator VS. Alien
	―BrawlinStalin, Jul 2015
%
Public school is doing a great job of preparing kids for real life by showing
them what it's like to work for a poorly managed company.
	―trickyshiksa, Sep 2015
%
What if there's no such thing as the Placebo Effect, and instead, sugar just
actually cures everything
	―Bigtuna546, Sep 2016
%
Just counting from 1 to 2 you skipped an infinite amount of numbers
	―xmilk_N_cereal, Mar 2016
%
Teenagers drive like they have limited time & old people drive like they
have all the time in the world
	―mcrfreak78, Nov 2013
%
In your lifetime you are the first one to be born and the last to die.
	―Kingoflionbears, Feb 2014
%
Animated gifs are bringing us back to an era of silent comedy.
	―ForenameSurname, Jul 2015
%
If ancient Egyptians could see the internet today, they'd be very proud of the
amount of cat videos.
	―kyrind, Apr 2016
%
I've never been big on going to Japan, but if Nintendo made a Disney-land
style theme park called Nintendoland with all the different characters and
worlds as attractions, I'd blow all of my savings on the first flight over
	―ccbuddyrider, Feb 2015
%
Inside every beautiful skyscraper are pipelines of shit that are constantly
flowing.
	―TheCoastalService, Feb 2015
%
Do you ever see a stranger in a random place and think "this is probably the
only time I will ever see this person in my lifetime" and feel sad?
	―patientlistener431, Apr 2016
%
"You'll need an account to do that" generally actually means "An account is
absolutely unnecessary to do that, but we're locking you out of it until you
give us your personal information"
	―blueberriesnpancakes, Apr 2016
%
If a doctor is performing an abortion, and someone barges in yelling, "Abort,
abort!", does he stop, or get really enthusiastic?
	―iGALEXY, Oct 2014
%
If 50 years ago you told people that there would be only 8 planets in the
future, they would think something incredibly exciting would happen.
	―jatefromstakefarm, Nov 2015
%
iOS icons shake in fear of being deleted.
	―Azki50, Oct 2014
%
If every atom in your body is replaced every seven years, does that mean that
if I don't have sex for 7 years my penis is technically a virgin?
	―postymcpostpost, Aug 2015
%
Televangelists who claim to have healing powers or cure diseases should be
prevented from using the healthcare system and be forced to rely on their own
powers.
	―PuffyHerb, Sep 2015
%
If you get your tongue stuck in a mouse trap you will pronounce it mouth trap
for a short period of time.
	―jaseface0714, Oct 2015
%
The 'old me' was younger.
	―theribler, Feb 2016
%
I should invest in gorilla suits now before the Halloween rush hits.
	―totosushi, Jun 2016
%
The slowest way to die is by living.
	―LaPXL8R, May 2014
%
Dementors in Harry Potter never fed on Ron Weasley because he's a ginger.
	―genno334, Jun 2015
%
If the first humans waited another day before having sex none of us would
exist
	―harvsicle, Jul 2016
%
Dogs get taller when they sit down.
	―ron_manager, Nov 2013
%
It should be illegal for video ads to be longer than the video you're trying
to watch...
	―Pretz_, Nov 2014
%
Babysitters are just teenagers who act like adults so adults can go out and
act like teenagers.
	―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2015
%
In all my life I have probably seen over ten thousand squirrels wandering
around. Never once have I seen one pooping.
	―the_y_of_the_tiger, Oct 2015
%
Sesame Street never taught me how to get to Sesame Street
	―jayt236, Jun 2016
%
Hotel vending machines should accept your room key as payment and have it
charged to the room.
	―BrandtHasToPay100, Oct 2016
%
Flare guns are least effective on the 4th of July and New Year's Eve
	―StonedToDaBone, Mar 2014
%
Peter Parker/Spiderman makes a living selling his selfies.
	―emoo141, Jul 2014
%
Just realised that Popeye, my favourite cartoon when I was a kid, was
basically about a guy who took performance enhancing drugs to rescue his
girlfriend from abduction, forced marriage and rape.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
A hoax about a Mewtwo next to my business will be more powerful that any other
kind of ad
	―irek19, Jul 2016
%
Does a prostitute say "it's been business doing pleasure with you"?
	―meetmeintheuniverse, Oct 2013
%
Instagram would be a great nickname for a drug dealer
	―RustbeltRoots, Jul 2014
%
A spoon is just a tiny bowl on a stick.
	―maelstrom197, Jan 2015
%
When we colonize Mars Time zones are gonna get a lot more complicated
	―Ookami82, Mar 2015
%
That "your pornstar name is" thing is an elaborate con to get the name of your
first pet and the street you grew up on to answer security questions.
	―thegrinderofpizza, Aug 2015
%
It's OK to cry in a job interview if you're an actor
	―pimack, Jun 2016
%
If 9/11 had happened in June, Seven-Eleven would have been screwed.
	―TopHatz, Jul 2013
%
I just looked at a picture of a brain and I was grossed out by it. My own
brain doesn't like how it looks.
	―pancakemaster16240, May 2014
%
The word for symmetry should have been a palindrome.
	―Hoggzeh, Aug 2015
%
Reddit is the only place where I'm more likely to read the comments then the
actual content.
	―Hepheastus, Apr 2016
%
How many animals did we try to ride before we got the right one.
	―Archan_, Oct 2015
%
My proofreading abilities improve immeasurably the second I click Send or
Submit.
	―inthedrink, Mar 2016
%
If an anthropologist was studying my sexual habits, they would think that my
biggest turn on was doing homework.
	―GoddamntCharlie, Nov 2014
%
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say hello. My first instinct when
I see a person is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away.
	―handygoat, Jun 2015
%
Saying: ''Rip my inbox" when you recieve a lot of replies is weird considering
your inbox is probably the most alive it has been.
	―Barack_Bob_Oganja, Sep 2016
%
Set your WIFI password to 2444666668888888, when your friend ask just tell him
it's 12345678
	―marseitindel, Sep 2016
%
Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "you're awesome" or
"looking good" and call them Complimentos.
	―ODzyns, Jul 2015
%
If you think about it, kidney stones are like human pearls
	―Gundog75, Sep 2015
%
In Orwell's 1984, they had a nationally enforced daily exercise plan, and
guaranteed employment. We don't even have that.
	―velaxtrum, Feb 2016
%
Sleeping is mostly fake it till you make it
	―ultrakaijuu, May 2016
%
There is a "d" in fridge but not refrigerator.
	―Traiectensium, Nov 2013
%
On his return home, Colombus took several Native Americans with him. They
should be credited with discovering Europe.
	―chris45215, Oct 2014
%
Animals that are caught, tagged and released must feel like they were abducted
by aliens.
	―CodimusPrime, Mar 2016
%
Putting a case on your phone after its cracked is like putting a condom on
your kid's head
	―[deleted], Sep 2014
%
I feel uncomfortable calling someone from Mexico a "Mexican," or calling
someone who follows Judaism a "Jew," even though they are technically correct
terms, because assholes use those words as derogatory insults.
	―cutethulu, Aug 2016
%
If you say grace before you eat leftovers, I bet God is like, "Dude, I JUST
blessed this chicken not even 24 hours ago, give it a rest."
	―ChrisTaliaferro, Oct 2016
%
Facebook is a Pokedex for people.
	―[deleted], Aug 2013
%
If The wolf of wallstreet showed just 10 seconds of some family loosing their
home beacause of bad investments the movie would feel totally different.
	―[deleted], Jan 2014
%
My chemistry textbook is a bunch of atoms trying to explain atoms to me.
	―Elmovimiento, Sep 2016
%
The phrase “Don’t you dare” is actually the phrase “Do not you dare”. And that
confuses me.
	―JackCrow1995, Sep 2016
%
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a
clam in half to make that cute bikini top...
	―ChrisTaliaferro, May 2015
%
If a girl walks into the bar with her tits half showing, and I look, I'm a
pervert. If I walk into a bar with my cock half showing, and a girl looks,
then I'm still a pervert.
	―sumnewdguy, Aug 2015
%
Considering i routinely masturbate and defecate in the presence of my
cellphone, I should think twice before putting anyone's cellphone close to my
face ever again.
	―palmerry, Feb 2016
%
I wonder how many people have successfully hid from me when they saw me
walking toward them.
	―reddits_sweetheart, Jun 2015
%
"Smelly" means something smells bad, but "tasty" means something tastes good
	―_Search_, Dec 2015
%
Loner. Live alone. No family or real friends.. If I die while out and about,
my dogs will probably starve at home.
	―Jacob090, Sep 2016
%
It blows my mind that humans can "accidentally" produce life.
	―studioRaLu, Oct 2016
%
On Reddit, it's more risqué to show your face than it is to show your
butthole.
	―MagnusPI, Dec 2014
%
My child will likely never know the reflex when a song ends to automatically
'hear' the next song start playing in his head... some people reading this
here probably don't even know what I'm talking about.
	―therealfarmerjoe, Apr 2015
%
People quickly dismiss scientists when they provide huge amounts of evidence
like climate change, but believe eating chocolate helps you lose weight
"because scientists of Harvard said so".
	―BornInTheRSA, Nov 2015
%
The worst part about parents who don't vaccinate is an underlying prejudice
against the autistic; they'd rather risk a dead child instead of an autistic
child.
	―Poli_Sci_Analyst, Oct 2015
%
When a girl says she's "not your typical girl" it makes me think she's a
pretty typical girl.
	―chubrub97, May 2016
%
If I sold cocaine, I would use the line "is Pepsi okay?" Everyday
	―qtip12, Jun 2015
%
With Jesus Christ's blood-alcohol level being about 14% alcohol (typical of
wine), it is very irresponsible to encourage him to take the wheel.
	―mwhaskin, Jul 2015
%
Spongebob is actually about a boss that underpays and overworks his employees
to the point of insanity, depression, and even mental breakdowns.
	―DigiDukeMaster, Jun 2016
%
Somewhere, a super model is having diarrhea.
	―Blink1EightyJew, Nov 2013
%
It only takes three generations for you to be basically forgotten
	―OfficerBrando, Aug 2015
%
When the human body gets sick it heats up to kill off germs. The earth is sick
and its heating up will probably kill off humans. Are we earth germs?
	―PM_ME_YOUR_OUTRAGE, Jun 2016
%
When I was a child I spent 25 cents for about four minutes of an arcade game,
but as an adult I won't pay $1 for a Mobile game I play for hours.
	―babydoom1, Aug 2016
%
A lot of people died in order for us to know which fruits we can and cannot
eat.
	―yonkatonka, Apr 2014
%
There should be a Mario Party theme park where we can go and play real life
Mario Party. It would probably be a great way to end friendships.
	―Brawndo28, Apr 2015
%
There is no greater human sense than then the male sense of hearing whilst
watching porn in an occupied house.
	―24h00, Dec 2015
%
Crucifixion is actually a very ironic death for a carpenter.
	―ReluctantRedditor275, Dec 2013
%
Am I the only one who thinks that TL;DR: should be at the *start* or a post?
	―Forvalaka, Dec 2015
%
Fat people have more skin, so aren't they actually *more* skinny than thin
people?
	―FluffDaddy69, Feb 2014
%
Global warming is the revenge of dinosaur ghosts because we disturbed their
oily slumber.
	―24points2blue, Aug 2014
%
Lighting a candle for each year of your life on a birthday cake and then
blowing them out is a weird existentialist ritual that symbolizes how your
life will inevitably be extinguished.
	―jeremiahsgoat, Jan 2015
%
'I work for one of the richest companies in the world' is a lot better than
saying 'I work at Walmart.'
	―Storytellerbobfan, Sep 2016
%
We contemplate so much in the shower because it's one of the few places we
can't use electronic devices to distract ourselves.
	―WhaddaYaKnowJoe, Mar 2014
%
One thing I'm glad about the year 2016 is that it's easier to correct the
mistake of writing 15 to 16
	―ssyssy, Dec 2015
%
The word "crescent" begins with a crescent. The word "squiggle" begins with a
squiggle. The word "oval" begins with an oval.
	―StormCrow1770, Jan 2016
%
Dog breeders literally live by the motto, "fuck bitches, get money."
	―honeybadgerexpress, Feb 2015
%
If there was an XP meter on my life, I'd be way more motivated to do things.
	―jowns7, Nov 2015
%
When horses win races we credit their lineage. When humans win races we credit
their training.
	―i-downvote-memes, Aug 2016
%
the people born the day before or after the cutoff point to start kindergarten
were close to having a completely different life
	―thefinalaccountdown, Sep 2016
%
Netflix needs an incognito mode so I can watch stupid things and not have
similar stuff recommended to me
	―the_whalerus, Oct 2016
%
When I play a video game, I go out of my way to talk to every person I see. In
real life, I go out of my way to avoid talking to every person I see
	―Steakarino, Aug 2016
%
I think we should launch flat-earthers into orbit. Not so they see the earth,
just so they are gone.
	―Laez, Sep 2016
%
If you rotate "up" by 180 degrees, it becomes "dn". (up/dn)
	―PaintedCeiling, Dec 2013
%
Great Britain learned one crazy trick to lose billions of pounds overnight.
	―Manfrenjensenjen, Jun 2016
%
If you are 19 or 23 you are both mathematically and physically in your prime.
	―RadiatorSam, Feb 2014
%
I guess the moral of Willy Wonka is that 4/5 children are obnoxious and should
just die.
	―punkindrublicrpp, Aug 2014
%
We don't get chain E-mail anymore because the people that proliferated it are
sharing useless crap on Facebook now.
	―surebertt, Feb 2016
%
Childhood memories are a bit like being drunk. You don't remember all of it,
and you cringe at some of the stuff you do remember.
	―forksmith, Aug 2016
%
Public bathrooms should have background music playing so you don't have to sit
in silence listening to EVERYTHING happening in the stalls next to you.
	―Halfsane1, Feb 2015
%
Because I'm dating the identical twin of one of my coworkers, I can't tell my
friends at work how hot my date is without sexually harassing a colleague by
extension.
	―soulonefifteen, May 2015
%
Let's give the top 100 richest people in the world cancer and see how long it
takes to be cured.
	―kittyonmeth, Sep 2016
%
I have never confused Digiorno pizza with delivery
	―popdisaster00, Mar 2015
%
How It's Made is the only show that gets better the more they run out of ideas
	―Awareofthat, Aug 2016
%
If someone tells you that they are making 6 figures a year they either have a
really great job or they're the worst worker in a toy factory.
	―goateyboyjr, Oct 2016
%
I wonder how many photos I'm in that I'll never see.
	―vaginas_are_weird, Jul 2014
%
Sour, bitter and salty are very different tastes but very similar moods.
	―NotTooSpecial, Sep 2016
%
What if hipsters are all time travelers, and they just use the phrase "You
probably haven't heard of it" to cover up slips when they reference something
that's not big yet?
	―Ae3qe27u, Oct 2015
%
I want to see a hydraulic press crushed by a bigger hydraulic press.
	―the_lock, Apr 2016
%
Marriage proposals are weird. The proposer gets to take as long as he/she
wants to determine whether they want to spend the rest of their life with
someone. The proposee is expected to make a split-second decision.
	―PRGuyHere, Aug 2014
%
None of the billions of decisions you've made in your life did anything to
stop you from reading this.
	―Nessfull, Sep 2014
%
It's 2:30am and you'll probably never see this. How many hundreds of
brilliant, life-changing thoughts and ideas are lost on Reddit each day,
simply due to being posted at the wrong time?
	―colellasj, Feb 2015
%
There should only be one cheerleader per team. The rest should be
cheermembers.
	―cokeidiot, Mar 2015
%
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when
they spin it looks a halo
	―letroller, Jun 2015
%
I will never know true disappointment like the first people did when they
found the ocean and tried to drink it.
	―moseybjones, Aug 2016
%
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
	―austinjmulka, Oct 2015
%
As a British guy on Reddit, I've seen hundreds of pictures from the Superbowl,
seen at least 2 of the adverts during the commercial breaks, seen clips of the
half time show, and even know how much the drinks cost. But I still have no
idea who won.
	―copeman, Feb 2016
%
The debate moderators should be able to mute the mics of both candidates in
order to move on to the next subject instead of trying to talk over them.
	―midjuneau, Sep 2016
%
If periods were a side-effect of a fertility drug, the FDA would never approve
it.
	―pegstrom, Jul 2014
%
The owner of a dildo company is getting paid to make people go and fuck
themselves
	―Shazamo_, Aug 2015
%
If you throw ice down a street and watch it skip against the pavement you're
essentially skipping stones on water but exactly the opposite.
	―hiimtom477, May 2013
%
In the year 2020, there will be a whole month of 4/20
	―HOLD-SHIFT, Jun 2015
%
If you have an older sibling that is the same gender as you, your parents like
their name better than yours.
	―murf6464, Sep 2014
%
The older that I get, the more the movie "Office Space" feels like a sad, sad
reflection of life, rather than a comedy.
	―DapperedGator, May 2016
%
Fight Club and Crossfit's rules are exactly opposite
	―theprophet84, Feb 2015
%
In the 2020 election we are going to see a lot of ads about having 20/20
vision (for the future).
	―myusernameforporn, Apr 2014
%
Maybe people have successfully made time machines but didnt realize that our
galaxy cluster is traveling like 350 miles a second. And so they traveled back
or forward in time and end up in empty space and thus die and cannot reveal to
us that their machine worked.
	―JoMiMa, Jul 2016
%
Do caterpillars know they will be butterfly's or do they just build the cocoon
and wake up like woah what happened?
	―Golfguy5801, Apr 2014
%
If there are 7 billion people on Earth, that means that every second the
collective human consciousness experiences 222 years.
	―wheep, Nov 2015
%
If you've never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to
complain about buffering.
	―dexterjam, Jul 2016
%
We are all technically unpaid employees of reddit
	―Creddit2Reddit, Jul 2015
%
Nabisco should sell Oreo cream in a jar as a spread to put on any cookie.
	―Jeremy1026, Feb 2016
%
If nudism became the social norm, I bet you'd have to shave your pubes into
fun fashionable shapes
	―TDrizzles, May 2014
%
Do you think there are more spoons than people?
	―stratis303, Apr 2015
%
The 3 c's in "child care centre" are all pronounced differently
	―megaminxwin, Mar 2016
%
The world will end on somebody's birthday.
	―futureprez2016, Oct 2016
%
We're scared of being abducted by aliens, yet we go to other planets with the
plan of "abducting" their organisms.
	―thefakejimmyfallon, Nov 2014
%
When you masturbate, you are basically lying to your penis.
	―zePiNdA, Feb 2015
%
I've never once thought, "Wow, I'm glad Num Lock isn't enabled by default."
	―Happy_Harry, Feb 2016
%
Many of the worlds problems will go unsolved due to lack of funding. Meaning,
we are limited not by resources and ability to accomplish, but by a system of
currency and worth that is completely man-made. We created our own restriction
to success.
	―crom8i3, Aug 2014
%
The United States should aim for 53 states. That way it would truly be one
nation, indivisible.
	―tired_of_bacon, Jul 2015
%
Chewed up mashed potatoes are still just mashed potatoes.
	―emn234, Dec 2015
%
What if Aunt Jemima is Mrs. Butterworth and her full name is Jemima
Butterworth?
	―oz24, Mar 2014
%
One morning I'll wake up,open Reddit and find out my country is at war
	―givemefooddragon, Jan 2016
%
If I brush my teeth everyday at 11:59 PM for two minutes, then I'm brushing my
teeth twice a day.
	―thecooltodd, Aug 2016
%
I've masturbated more this year than I have had hot dinners.
	―oculusface, Feb 2015
%
600 years in the future, there's a historian who would be absolutely thrilled
to have a conversation with me
	―Ep1cDuCK, Jun 2015
%
As an adult on reddit I have to remind myself that I'm oftentimes arguing with
teenagers
	―zjbird, Jul 2016
%
The words 'good' and 'evil' are both a letter from 'god' and 'devil'
	―CokeSniffa, Aug 2016
%
If I ever do make it to Reddits from page, it will be a lonely victory. If I
tell my friends then they will see the rest of the weird stuff I said.
	―tryingtofindanswers, Jun 2016
%
What if Egyptians didn't literally worship cats but treated them like we do
and made memes and jokes and stairs dedicated to them for fun
	―LaboriousLlama, Jul 2016
%
I insult my best friend more than someone I hate.
	―singh_sahil24, Aug 2016
%
If there's a Reddit in the afterlife, I bet the TIFU would be a good read.
	―thechadwicked, Sep 2015
%
Pizza is always a pie chart about how much pizza is left.
	―ShmimonC, Mar 2014
%
There should be a reverse Viagra that keeps your penis flaccid so you don't
get a boner in an awkward situation.
	―Ayrey, May 2015
%
Only a really bad autobiography would need an "About the Author" section.
	―int_inf_min, Sep 2016
%
Women with breast implants are affecting evolution because men who are
attracted to big boobs are actually breeding with smaller chested women.
	―Mr_Potamus, Dec 2014
%
If you crush a cockroach, you're a hero. If you crush a beautiful butterfly,
you're a villain. Morals have aesthetic criteria.
	―everydayjerk, Jun 2015
%
A lot of people are now unknowingly celebrating their last New Year's Eve.
	―-HeisenBird-, Jan 2016
%
Once you earn the title "oldest person alive", you keep it for the rest of
your life.
	―invictus_athlete, Apr 2016
%
Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is going to suck.
	―-iamverysmart-, Dec 2015
%
Duck Dynasty is essentially Keeping Up with the Kardashians for rednecks
	―nightspirit322, Sep 2014
%
On /r/Pregnant, OP delivers.
	―LukeNukem99, Oct 2014
%
I bet Kanye West will be the first person to perform with the hologram of
Kanye West
	―Dressy_Ent, Nov 2015
%
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world's
last Oreo.
	―ChrisTaliaferro, May 2015
%
What if there's a billionaire who wants to give away free ipods/ipads, but
only knows how to using poorly designed ads.
	―stelles, Jul 2015
%
My oven's lowest setting is 0°C but it doesn't become a fridge.
	―Cheriiii, Mar 2016
%
We're taught to be aware of external danger before the situation arises like a
fire in a building, but no one teaches us how to be aware of internal/mental
signs of danger like suicide or depression. Coping mechanisms should be taught
before the mental danger, not after depression hits.
	―Astro_Vampire, Oct 2016
%
My mental comments as a lurker were so much funnier than my real comments now
that I have a Reddit account.
	―mynameiskyleok, Oct 2016
%
Mr. Weasley is so fascinated by muggles because their modern technology is the
result of necessity and solved inconveniences that magic people have never
experienced. The wizarding world is basically still in medieval times, it's
like seeing the future to him.
	―TheUnclescar, Jun 2016
%
Cannibalism could potentially solve both world hunger and overpopulation.
	―SubsNotDubs, Sep 2016
%
If woman only got pregnant when they orgasm, teen pregnancy wouldn't be as
much of a problem.
	―JosephNichola, Oct 2016
%
Being on reddit means you're too weird for Facebook, but not weird enough for
4chan
	―marikaga, Mar 2016
%
Nintendo just inadvertently created the best "I'm totally not here for a drug
deal" excuse ever.
	―Cudderlicious, Jul 2016
%
Raisins are nothing but grape jerky
	―kaboomkyle, May 2014
%
If every human began as a single cell, and it's estimated that the adult human
body has over 37 trillion cells, you have increased your size by
3,700,000,000,000,000% you fat fuck
	―abredar, Jun 2015
%
Not once in my life have I stepped into somebody's house and thought, "I sure
hope I get an apology for 'the mess'."
	―AndItsDeepToo, Aug 2016
%
What if most of our illnesses come from the lack of sunlight on our genitals?
	―BalthazarBadia, Aug 2013
%
Reddit is social media for people who think they're too good for social media.
	―timbojj, Sep 2015
%
What if the rapture happened already, but no one even realized it because only
like 15 people were taken
	―BasicallyVictoria, Sep 2015
%
The '&' symbol looks like a person dragging their ass along the ground
	―Hairy_Cheeks, Oct 2015
%
Bruce Wayne could do a lot more to fight crime in Gotham City by funding youth
programs with his immense wealth instead of dressing up like a bat and dishing
out vigilante justice.
	―Seiferus, Dec 2014
%
In the next hundred years 7 billion people will die...
	―megachirops95, Apr 2015
%
CNN used to blame video games for mass shootings. Now we blame CNN for
reporting on the shooters.
	―Oh_Fuck_Naw, Oct 2015
%
When Stan Lee finally passes, the next superhero movie released afterwards
should have a scene where characters meet in front of his (actual) gravestone,
so he can have one last "cameo".
	―RogueViator, May 2016
%
Memes are just public inside jokes.
	―jakelikescake, Jun 2016
%
You are not "raising a child" you are "training a future adult"
	―VinnyRuns, Aug 2015
%
If Kanye Really Needs The Money He Should Just Make A Sex Tape With Ray J
	―wordfiend99, Feb 2016
%
Now that I'm older, I'm convinced the characters of Scooby Doo are just
chronic pot smokers who trip about monsters for a half hour before realizing
it's just the janitor in a mask messing with them.
	―machine_fart, Jul 2016
%
I wonder if Rick Astley thinks, "Got me again, you bastard" every time he
looks in a mirror
	―HumanClaymore, Sep 2016
%
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don't they just get
them really drunk?
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
The ancient Greeks were the first people to have showers as well as
philosophers. Coincidence? I don't think so!
	―iGOTaCROCODILEmate, Oct 2015
%
Somehow we always assume that aliens would walk around naked.
	―talkshit-gethugged, Jun 2016
%
Naming your cat "Whiskers" is like naming your kid "Eyebrows."
	―Jorogasm, Jul 2016
%
I wonder how many people have a picture of me riding a roller-coaster with
them in their house?
	―RiseOfBacon, Sep 2016
%
You will never feel how long time is until you have allergies and snot slowly
dripping out of your nostrils, while sitting in a classroom with no tissues.
	―Alzores, Sep 2016
%
If Cinderella would have taken off all her clothes by midnight, she could have
stayed with the prince.
	―SimplisticAnswer, Sep 2014
%
The older I get, the more I realize there are no grown ups and nobody knows
what the fuck they’re doing.
	―stevheng, Jun 2015
%
I may not be 2016 healthy, but I’m 1816 healthy.
	―CourtneyClaire, Aug 2016
%
While millions of people are struggling to find water, we shit in it every
morning.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
We eat candy that tastes like fruit instead of just eating fruit.
	―Keenangs, Mar 2015
%
US grenades are shaped like baseballs because it's something young soldiers
would have experience throwing. The next generation of grenades should be
shaped like X-Box controllers.
	―ZizeksHobobeard, Jul 2016
%
We have self driving cars, but we can't figure out a way to make sensor
faucets actually work when we wave our hand under them.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
There’s a stereotype that black people are lazy. I don’t know if that’s true,
but I know white people went all the way to Africa to get out of doing work.
	―[deleted], May 2014
%
My contacts list looks more like a museum of people I talked to at some point
in my life.
	―TequilaTitan, Sep 2015
%
Any of you could be my next door nieghbor.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
If a website blocks me from viewing them with an adblocker, I'm perfectly fine
with closing the tab 100% of the time.
	―justintoronto, Apr 2016
%
Earth is the third planet from the sun, so all of our problems are technically
third world problems.
	―canihaveausername, Jun 2016
%
"Firefly" uses an opposite pair of words than "waterfall"
	―Woymalep_Yay, Jul 2016
%
The term "rekt" is basically 2015's version of "pwnd"
	―Matthew75126, Mar 2015
%
If a baby is born on an airplane and then the plane crashes, it's possible
that their date of death precedes their date of birth.
	―allaboutthosevibes, May 2015
%
My phone doesn't autocorrect when I'm typing in all caps because it thinks I'm
extremely angry and doesn't want to get involved.
	―torlad, Sep 2015
%
Being God must be awesome. You can ignore prayers and no one gets pissed. Then
when something positive happens you get the credit!
	―[deleted], Nov 2015
%
The reason I'm good at talking to people who are down on themselves is because
I tell them everything I've wanted to be told myself.
	―Noonifer, Aug 2016
%
Scandinavian women are so gorgeous because the Vikings only brought back the
hot women from their pillages
	―aakksshhaayy, Feb 2015
%
If they started doing pub crawls of marijuana dispensaries, they should be
called grasshoppers
	―Double0Dixie, May 2015
%
The people who call younger generations lazy are the same people who feel
inconvenienced by having to press a button for "English."
	―skatecarter, Apr 2016
%
Schrödinger's Ex: By not checking an ex's social media accounts and nor asking
about them, they can neither be happier nor unhappier than yourself.
	―wolfesluck, Apr 2016
%
Instead of a "pearl necklace", it should be called a "chestnut".
	―falcontiger, Nov 2014
%
Having a child is like having a really shitty roommate that never cooks,
cleans, or pays rent.
	―ProfLiar, Sep 2016
%
There should be a "registered false rape accusation" database much like we
have a "registered sex offender" database.
	―RiverCard, Dec 2014
%
Farts are like children. I'm proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
Dating a girl is like working in customer service: What do you need? How can I
help? Tell me your problem. Customer is always right.
	―pchrishatfield, Mar 2016
%
The reason Homer Simpson has gotten more stupid over the Seasons is because of
alcohol neuron death.
	―Geovicsha, Jun 2014
%
We should start a campaign to get people to interrupt Kanye West. Everywhere.
	―SpookyGeek, Feb 2015
%
Most Christians are still waiting for OP to deliver.
	―wheeloficeandfire, Nov 2014
%
Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the
cremation a bit more interesting
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
I wonder who the first person to grab an active bee hive and crack it open
thinking, " I bet those bastards are hiding something delicious in here" was.
	―CountOnZOly, Jun 2016
%
I hate when I've spent the whole morning on the Internet and then I sit down
to go to the bathroom and I realize I've read all of the things.
	―THEDARKNIGHT485, Aug 2016
%
Santa is actually pretty evil. Unfair labor practices, animal abuse, breaking
and entering, surveillance, at least one hit and run (RIP Grandma).
	―MCwaffle89, Dec 2013
%
Why do storm troopers wear that cumbersome looking armor if all it takes is
one shot from a blaster to kill them anyway?
	―Neverhugaduck, Sep 2015
%
The voice in my head is an exceptionally good singer
	―Melodiic, Apr 2016
%
When people don't sit next to me on public transit I feel both slightly
relieved and slightly rejected.
	―eighthedition, May 2016
%
What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady but we'll never know because he
can't stand up?
	―X0AN, Jun 2016
%
The Girl-Scouts should name their cookies after famous women of history.
	―CannabinoidAndroid, Mar 2015
%
The other side of the river must be littered with perfect skipping stones.
	―WizardSleeves118, Apr 2015
%
I wish Reddit had a counter of how many times I've clicked "reply", started
typing, then realized I don't actually care enough about the topic at hand to
get in a multi-hour debate with OP/OC.
	―SWFK, Mar 2016
%
Saying "What an ass." about a guy is an insult, but saying it about a girl is
a compliment
	―shredshredshredshred, Sep 2014
%
I have no problem letting my mouth fill with saliva, then swallowing it. If
you asked me to spit into a clean glass and pour it back into my mouth,
however, I'd probably vomit.
	―JM1LZ, Jan 2016
%
There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I'm not sure who to
believe.
	―nihilo503, Jan 2015
%
I'm a 33 year old man and I still sing the alphabet when I arrange things
alphabetically
	―belly_bell, Jan 2016
%
Kindergarten teachers are probably the best Capatcha solvers.
	―Top_Lagger, Jan 2016
%
The next version of Android should be named "Oranges," so we can finally
compare apples to oranges.
	―jonbrig, Jun 2016
%
Does Ke$ha go by K€sha in Europe
	―Gingerhobbit6, Aug 2016
%
Netflix needs an “ending soon” feature based on stuff you’re in the middle of
watching so it doesn’t just disappear on you one day.
	―Kevin_mark32, Aug 2016
%
if I ever made the front page, I couldn't tell my friends because I don't want
them to know who I am on the internet
	―ASLOBEAR, Oct 2016
%
If Malala from "I am Malala" does an AMA, and her space bar breaks, it will
lead to the most confusing title of all time: IAMAMALALAOFIAMMALALAAMA.
	―CRUNLUS, Feb 2015
%
The quote "Life is short" makes no sense. Life is the longest thing that'll
ever happen to you.
	―jonbristow, Apr 2016
%
If a president had a doctorate, would you still call them "Mr. President," or
would you go for "Dr. President?"
	―Merglyn, Apr 2014
%
Million dollar idea. Open a coffee shop. Direct traffic there with multiple
fake tinder accounts.
	―Scottsman90, Oct 2015
%
I can wipe my ass with 1 square of toilet paper, but only if it's the last
square on the roll.
	―PlasmaCow511, Nov 2015
%
Growing up is realizing that the bottom bunk is probably more convenient.
	―gaveasky, Feb 2016
%
When I was a kid I worked hard to hide my weed and devil music from my
parents. Now I'm grown up and work hard to hide my weed and devil music from
my kids.
	―haroldtitus425, Oct 2016
%
Clark Kent would have a lot of explaining to do if he pushed a "Pull" door.
	―Picturesonback, Oct 2016
%
We jokingly talk to our pets with random barks and meows and think nothing of
it, but if our pets ever replied in random human voices or sounds we would be
amazed.
	―eeega34, Mar 2014
%
People who were in their 70's when Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon grew up
with trains and horses as transportation.
	―rainman18, Jul 2014
%
/r/reversegif should just be called /r/fig
	―nanosoundsx, Dec 2015
%
If I was a pear farmer, my slogan would be "Grow a Pear".
	―Im_Captain_Jack, Sep 2016
%
We wasted the name 'Fly' on the worst animal.
	―strongo, Jul 2015
%
Who pisses the shit smear off the inner toilet bowl in lesbian households?
	―spacelemon, Jan 2016
%
I will live to see the terms "the 20s", "the 30s", "the 40s", "the 50s", "the
60s", and "the 70s" have new meanings.
	―subterraneantea, Jun 2013
%
At some point in the future, when people show pictures of their ancestors,
they won't be grainy sepia photographs, they will be HD selfies from their
Facebook profiles
	―Mango_Smasher, Feb 2016
%
Dipping Dots started out as "The Ice Cream of the Future" and gradually became
the nostalgic ice cram of my childhood
	―alcohol_and_irony, Mar 2016
%
Netflix should produce a series of workout videos for people to stream at home
for free if they're subscribed to Netflix
	―Minivann, Feb 2015
%
'You have a big heart' is a nice compliment from anyone except your doctor
	―Bo_Obama, Apr 2016
%
50 Cent should periodically alter his name to reflect currency inflation.
	―lundej16, Apr 2015
%
Tagging a post NSFW is the ultimate clickbait
	―frankysuper, Nov 2015
%
"Neil Armstrong" backwards is "Gnorts, Mr. Alien"
	―greengrasser11, Feb 2016
%
The letter 'b' in the word 'subtle,' is.
	―polydorr, Jul 2013
%
Parents are the only people to speak highly of you behind your back and talk
shit right to your face.
	―kygrtj, Aug 2015
%
When an app asks me if I'm enjoying it, I usually click "No" just to avoid
being asked to review it
	―Mc237269, Sep 2016
%
If Hungary gets to host the Olympics, they can call it "The Hungary Games"
	―carbonyl_attack, Dec 2014
%
Toilet seats should have a step like a garbage can that lifts the seat up for
males.
	―kylebyrne, Feb 2015
%
I wonder if any kids ever enter their actual birthday on websites and just
accept that they can't view adult content until they turn 18
	―jeg101586, Aug 2015
%
Booty call and butt dial use synonyms but mean completely different things
	―sunshineandstuff, Nov 2015
%
In our solar system, there are more planets with robot population than with
the human population.
	―Reshevsky, Oct 2016
%
What if the coins you randomly find in drawers and between couch cushions are
actually spiders leaving them there to pay rent.
	―im_the_idiot, Jun 2015
%
The idea of ghost moaning might have started due to kids hearing their parents
having sex, and them denying hearing any sounds.
	―Newgirla, Dec 2015
%
You should be able to go incognito on your reddit account so you don't have to
make a throwaway account.
	―anooblol, Jan 2016
%
Some trees spend hundreds of years growing just so I can wipe my ass.
	―mjarc, Oct 2014
%
As a child, going to bed at 8PM feels like punishment. As an adult, going to
bed at 8PM feels like a reward.
	―shakedspeare, Apr 2016
%
I'm not a bad person, but if I had superpowers, I know I wouldn't use them
solely for good.
	―majorshenanigans, Jul 2016
%
If Netflix had trailers, it would make picking a movie a lot easier.
	―kneesmagees, Oct 2016
%
As an adult, the beer aisle at the grocery makes me feel exactly like the
cereal aisle made me feel as a kid.
	―pickyourbeard, Jul 2015
%
I think the phrase "in the closet" should be changed to "keeping a straight
face"
	―darthtate, Feb 2016
%
I can gather spit in my mouth and swallow it with no issue but the thought of
spitting into a cup and swallowing it after is disgusting.
	―maaaaackle, Aug 2016
%
Blind people don't turn the lights on at night, they just walk around in the
dark.
	―MantraMan, Jan 2014
%
We're trying to build self driving cars that wont crash into things, yet we
used to ride around on horses which already could do that.
	―FVDVE, Aug 2015
%
Adam and Eve were the first people to accept Apple's terms and conditions
without reading them...
	―FFExtraOrdinaire, Dec 2015
%
We get taught in school to not give in to peer pressure but we don't get
taught not to pressure our peers.
	―andrewcarey7, Aug 2016
%
If Adele and Taylor Swift were lesbians, we would get to hear both sides of
the breakup.
	―bigstevek2703, Dec 2015
%
How do nudists clean their glasses?
	―BarbieMarleyBG, Oct 2016
%
The word "shark" looks like a shark
	―belbivfreeordie, Feb 2014
%
If I see a lot of police cars in one area, I immediately begin to feel more
nervous than safe.
	―theWforce, Apr 2016
%
My wife is pregnant with twin boys. Tonight she'll have 3 dicks in her
	―spitgriffin, Sep 2015
%
'Right, left' answers the question 'Left, Right?'
	―PM_ME_GAY_LOL_HENTAI, Jun 2015
%
Reddit: The place where a mass shooting makes top ranked post one day, and a
T-Rex doing an obstacle course makes top ranked post the next.
	―coolscreenname, Jun 2016
%
Ad Blocker became popular strictly by word of mouth.
	―MortyDazzler, Aug 2016
%
The difference between "Ladies" and "Laddies" is a D.
	―RushFox, May 2015
%
Fe-male would be a synonym of Iron Man
	―[deleted], Sep 2013
%
There is probably a person, somewhere in the world, who has sucked dick for
Bitcoin.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
If you get sexted by someone you don't want to sext with, did you just get
molexted?
	―One-one-eight, Dec 2014
%
The fact that we differentiate school from "the real world" shows us why our
school system is failing.
	―Architeal, Apr 2015
%
The number 14233221 describes itself; it has one four, two threes, three twos,
and two ones.
	―g_kaiser96, Feb 2016
%
Red Bull should team up with Buffalo Wild Wings where if you buy a 4 pack of
Red Bull, you get 4 free wings. Literally: "Red Bull gives you wings."
	―JakeCameraAction, Jul 2014
%
If you replace the "W" in "Where", "When", and "What" with a "T", you will
answer those questions.
	―-Lo_Mein_Kampf-, Jun 2015
%
If yawns are contaigous, it is possible my yawn has circled the world in a
cycle of being passed on until it reaches me again.
	―Idontcarefornames, Oct 2016
%
Gifs are just normal pictures in the Harry Potter Universe
	―hoosierpride1, Apr 2016
%
I've noticed a side effect of being on Reddit for a while. Increased
cynicism. Beautiful things are fake. Sad stories are bullshit. Photographs are
untrustworthy. Science is misleading. People are all assholes. Everything
sucks and God is dead. Any of you other bastards feel it?
	―Lobsterbib, Sep 2015
%
There should be a Netflix category that has the holiday episodes from all the
different shows grouped together.
	―scyth3rr, Dec 2015
%
Redditors who browse through 'new' are the backbone of reddit. Without their
sacrifice we wouldn't get to see a lot of great posts.
	―Lord_Michael_Bolton, Dec 2014
%
The song "Hotel California" is basically a bad Yelp review and a 3 minute
guitar solo.
	―GreenTard, Aug 2015
%
There needs to be a YouTube series of a no-nonsense cop who watches famous
scenes from Disney movies and tells us what illegal things are happening and
what type of punishment they would get.
	―Fanshelpmesleep, Jun 2016
%
Americans are worried about violence in Rio yet 19 people were shot in Chicago
today and I see little coverage of it.
	―Whoshabooboo, Aug 2016
%
D.A.R.E. was the most important class I had in elementary school because it
explained how adults were perfectly comfortable lying to me
	―CouthDecay, Jan 2016
%
Nighttime is actually the natural state of the universe, and the only reason
we have daytime is because earth just so happens to face a giant star.
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
Someone should develop an AI specifically for reading Terms & Conditions
and flagging dubious parts.
	―jamesfircks, Sep 2016
%
Netflix should have an option to skip show intros so you don't have to hear
the theme song 23 times while marathoning.
	―baardvark, Jan 2015
%
Energy drinks and caffeine are basically just stamina potions
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
The three most famous fictional government agents, (James Bond, Jack Bauer and
Jason Bourne) all share the same initials
	―sassinator1, Sep 2014
%
You should be able to FaceTime 911 to give them a live feed (recorded on their
end for evidence) of what's happening in case something happens to you or your
phone.
	―ghostchief, Dec 2015
%
Matching a country to almost any object makes it sound like a sex act. E.g.:
Lebanese wheelbarrow, Mexican earmuffs .
	―STOP-IT-PLEASE, May 2016
%
What if the washer is actually the one stealing socks, and we've been
wrongfully blaming the drier all of this time?
	―GIGGLEStheBEAST, Aug 2016
%
Any machine can be a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.
	―okayyeahbutmaybe, Sep 2016
%
6-8 Times a day, I start to post something on Reddit, type it out, and then
just click the back button on my browser without posting because I know no one
will care.
	―[deleted], Aug 2015
%
For the low price of a dollar you can leave a dollar somewhere and instantly
make someone's day better
	―Fatkungfuu, Jul 2016
%
If female lunch servers are referred to as "Lunch Ladies," shouldn't male ones
be called "Lunch Lords?"
	―thenacho1, Jul 2013
%
From Gandalf's perspective, The Hobbit is a really long escort mission with
low level NPCs.
	―Lychwood, Dec 2014
%
If Ellen Page and Emma Stone had lesbian sex, you could call that paper, rock,
scissoring.
	―joelomite11, Mar 2015
%
The name Nick is a nickname.
	―hkarp2, Dec 2013
%
There's a kid out there who actually has the strongest dad in the world.
	―Tactical__Tomato, May 2015
%
/r/UnexpectedCena is actually the opposite of what it says. If you watch a
video on that sub, you know for sure that John Cena will be in it.
	―mayonnaise_man, Sep 2015
%
Con Air is a movie about John Malkovich hijacking John Cusack's plane. Being
John Malkovich is a movie about John Cusack hijacking John Malkovich's brain.
	―MY_HARD_BOILED_EGGS, Jan 2014
%
Social anxiety means that sometimes I throw parties and worry that people will
show up.
	―Belushimcc, Oct 2015
%
The more you know about Che Guevara, the less likely you are to wear a t-shirt
with his face on it.
	―sleepingatlast14, Mar 2016
%
Warren buffet and I have a combined net worth of over 67 billion dollars.
	―killercritters, Apr 2016
%
If your penis is longer than, say, 3.15 inches, then at some point in your
life, your penis was exactly pi inches long
	―[deleted], Jun 2014
%
Literally everything you have ever done has led to you reading this sentence.
	―gavinhaggis, May 2015
%
By the end of the night browsing Reddit just becomes a game of Which Unclicked
Link Sounds the Least Shitty.
	―thugga_birdmanstunna, Dec 2015
%
Jeopardy needs to make audio versions of their show and put it in a podcast.
	―Turbo_Sandwich, Feb 2016
%
Evolution is making us taller, skinnier, with bigger eyes. Kinda alien
looking. Maybe we'll invent time travel and come back in neat little UFOs.
	―JacksCologne, Jul 2016
%
The alphabet doesn't need an order
	―vancar1000, May 2013
%
Imagine how much more slutty girl's costumes would be if Halloween was in a
warmer month like July...
	―iamnotdrunk17, Oct 2013
%
Trademarking is the adult version of "I called it first"
	―emptybrochure, Sep 2014
%
There should be a button next to NSFW reddit posts to open the links in the
incognito mode of your browser
	―i_reddit_now, Jul 2016
%
Charles Xavier has hundreds of students over decades and decades, but none can
heal his spine
	―JJwalz88, Oct 2016
%
I bet the Colorado and Washington girl scouts have been killing it in sales
the past couple of years
	―Elin_Woods_9iron, Jan 2016
%
A guy with red haired parents is a Ginger-bred Man.
	―Syrafes, Jul 2016
%
I could post a pic of me winning a Nobel prize on instagram and still get less
likes than a mildly attractive girl's picture of a bagel
	―jac283, Aug 2016
%
I always want to sleep in to get more sleep, but I never want to go to bed
early.
	―Total-Nerd, Oct 2016
%
If my name was Brad, then I would be 75% rad.
	―Wot_Gorilla_2112, Aug 2014
%
There should be a "GIF" tab on Google by now...
	―MountainDewGuy, Aug 2015
%
I can't believe that people with prosthetic limbs haven't gotten cool addons
like a flashlight wrist or a laser finger. Or a taser hand.
	―dudeguy_loves_reddit, Mar 2016
%
People use variations of "yes" a lot during sex, but it'd be awkward if they
said "yep" or "certainly".
	―nyc_daniel, Aug 2016
%
To ask, "If we evolved from apes, then why are there still apes?" is akin to
asking, "If America was colonized by the British, then why are there still
British?"
	―BuddhistAurelius, Aug 2016
%
Not all starlight is the same age, some of it is millions or even billions of
years apart even though it hits your eye at the same time. So the night sky
isn't a single moment in the universe but rather a patchwork of time billions
of years in breadth.
	―spookypen, Nov 2013
%
Is expired poison more poisonous or less poisonous?
	―anewdayiscoming_, Oct 2014
%
The NFL should just donate all the money they spend on pink gear to the breast
cancer fund.
	―hbaez518, Oct 2015
%
If you ever feel lonely, just know that there are people that comment on porn
videos.
	―SmileyFace-_-, Aug 2016
%
The Queen of England took a shit today.
	―harmonicamike, Jun 2013
%
I Wonder what would happen if NASA's 17.5 Billion Dollar Budget was switched
with the US Military budget of 683.7 Billion?
	―Kingsnw, Sep 2014
%
Because there's a period of my life I'm too young to remember, my older
siblings have known me longer than I've known myself.
	―Taigris, Oct 2014
%
skinny jeans... making it impossible to look sexy getting undressed since
2007.
	―firstoddity, Apr 2015
%
I wish I could be as picky about women in real life as I am with women in porn
	―portajohnjackoff, Sep 2015
%
I love being alone, but I hate feeling alone
	―LiveAndLetTrade, Sep 2016
%
My math teachers always told me that I couldn't carry a calculator around with
me every day. They were AMAZINGLY wrong...
	―Cantevenhelpit, Dec 2015
%
The semicolon is probably now used more often in winky faces than its actual
grammatical purpose.
	―Solnai, Apr 2014
%
A ton of cars is about half a car.
	―fishlimbs, Aug 2016
%
Since the French Burkini ban, Female Body Inspector is now an actual job.
	―ThrowinStacks, Aug 2016
%
We don’t pronounce the “k” in knowledge until we acknowledge it.
	―Patrick52Andrew, Sep 2016
%
The only thing I've ever used the dickhole on my boxers for is to tell the
back from the front.
	―Hovercat21, Oct 2016
%
Your name is just a codeword people use to get your attention.
	―Ethanhekker, Jul 2013
%
When a Brit says "I have a bloody nose", it's as if he just realized, to his
surprise, that he has a nose.
	―JustNoicingYourNoice, Jun 2015
%
If Dumbledore wanted to help Harry, he could have fixed his vision. In a world
of magic why is your savior reliant on glasses?
	―NotChasetipher, Apr 2016
%
It's socially acceptable to say "I can't function without a cup of coffee,"
but not "I can't function without a glass of beer"
	―Zoomachroom, Oct 2013
%
A trapped sneeze is pretty much 'Blue Balls' of the face.
	―bronalpaul, Jul 2014
%
I wonder how many pairs of twins got their names reversed because the parents
lost track of which was which when they were infants.
	―Guillotine216, Dec 2014
%
Having sex with Mila Kunis would actually kind of suck, because when you
closed your eyes it would sound like you were banging Meg.
	―zetsui, May 2015
%
Lions can jump 36 feet in one bound and we attribute this fun fact to every
single lion. We don't say "humans can dunk" and attribute that to every single
human.
	―Thunder_catsHO, Aug 2015
%
I've met atheists that care more about my religion than I do.
	―reincarN8ed, Mar 2016
%
BMW could save money by not installing turn indicators, and nobody would
notice.
	―Colors_By_Vest, Sep 2015
%
A pregnant woman has two skeletons inside her
	―JetTractor, Jun 2014
%
Getting stoned in 2015 A.D. is fun. Getting stoned in 2015 B.C. is not.
	―djsedna, Aug 2015
%
Smoking out of a bong requires all 4 elements
	―Fuh_Queue, Mar 2016
%
I've been speaking English so often that the voice I use to think is now
English instead of my native language.
	―HallowedMoth147, Mar 2016
%
those who go out of their way to make others happy at the expense of
themselves probably dont want others to feel the kind of sadness they are
feeling on the inside
	―newbieatthiss, Jun 2016
%
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that
erases your browser history if your heart stops beating.
	―jeniferfuti09, Oct 2016
%
Spoons are just tiny bowls on sticks
	―ChrisTaliaferro, Oct 2016
%
Chuck Norris will eventually die, and on that day the internet will turn into
the biggest shit show we have ever seen.
	―akiws, Apr 2015
%
Your penis has been deeper inside your mom than your dad's ever has
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
First person video games don't blink.
	―walktherails, Oct 2015
%
At some point in my life, I will unknowingly pose for the picture that will be
used at my funeral
	―ooppzzy, Feb 2016
%
Chris Rock should have introduced Charlize Theron as "The first African
presenter of the night" to wrap up his Oscar monologue.
	―69Centhalfandhalf, Feb 2016
%
I just read the word "emerged" out loud as "ermehgerd." Memes have ruined me.
	―machobeef, Oct 2016
%
Having a pet is weird if you think about it. You don’t speak the same
language, you create a strong bond by rubbing against each other and sleeping
together, and you might accidentally step on their tail once in a while but at
the end of the day, you’re best friends from entirely different species.
	―StarfishChris, Jan 2015
%
Being the son of a small town gynecologist would be the worst.
	―ASpellingAirror, Nov 2015
%
I have more respect for someone with opposing views but an open mind than
someone with the same views and a closed mind.
	―midnightgold74, Oct 2016
%
I wonder how many times I've seen the same bird
	―CaptainTeaBag24I7, Dec 2015
%
I'm controlling your mind right now. I'm making it talk
	―dragoninmyanus, Jun 2016
%
Books have covers specifically so we can judge them.
	―aRabidGerbil, Jul 2014
%
Growing up is realizing that "Lord Farquaad" in Shrek actually means "Lord
Fuckwad"
	―brandonnn11, Jan 2016
%
For games, you press start to play; movies, you press play to start.
	―PahoojyMan, Aug 2016
%
The title of the movie "The Day After Tomorrow" wouldn't sound nearly as
intense if it was called "Two Days From Now"
	―Landon_Mills, Mar 2016
%
Video Games from my childhood get less nostalgic as I progress through the
game because I was never able to get this far when I was younger.
	―i_ate_a_cookie, Jul 2016
%
Bubbles underwater are the opposite of rain.
	―BlackBox-, Sep 2016
%
When Chernobyl is finally liveable again (20,000 years), the architecture will
seem incredibly strange and retro.
	―[deleted], Mar 2014
%
People that say "What keeps atheists from raping, murdering, and stealing if
they don't believe in God?" want to rape, murder, and steal from you but
they're worried God will catch them.
	―SenorBeef, Jan 2015
%
Eating a spoonful of frosting on its own is considered disgusting and
unhealthy, but putting it on top of something else unhealthy first is normal.
	―EffectiveExistence, May 2016
%
I always use too much shampoo the day after a haircut.
	―original_4degrees, Apr 2016
%
As a Canadian, when I'm with an American I subconsciously thicken my accent
and say "sorry" and "eh" more to live up to the stereotype.
	―already_satisfied, Aug 2016
%
If they are going to fine drivers who smoke with a kid in car, They should
start booking pregnant women who smoke as well
	―trikazeas, Sep 2016
%
If someone pisses you off and you want revenge, sign up for a free man thong
catalog with their name and send it to their neighbor's address.
	―HankSc0rp10, Mar 2015
%
Clapping is just hitting yourself because you like something
	―blueboybob, Feb 2014
%
90% of submissions on this sub are probably toilet thoughts
	―willgeld, Nov 2014
%
If dentists make money from people with bad teeth, why should I trust a
toothpaste that 9/10 dentists recommend.
	―ser_onion_knight, Dec 2014
%
Netflix should let you rate titles even if they are unavailable, that way they
would know what titles to license next.
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
If a Mars Rover ever breaks down, NASA would have a 4th world problem.
	―RedstoneRay, Dec 2015
%
I assume everyone on Reddit is a straight white male atheist from the USA
unless they state otherwise
	―Chroose, Jan 2016
%
The Onion is fooling you the moment you see their logo because it's actually a
depiction of a shallot
	―kozakandy17, Mar 2016
%
Apple should temporarily change their logo back to the rainbow apple to
support Tim Cook's decision to come out as gay.
	―WalkerFLRanger, Oct 2014
%
Someone should develop a "time lapsule", a time lapse camera designed to
operate for several decades without maintenance that can be permanently
installed in a public area.
	―1up_for_life, Jun 2016
%
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are
constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
	―daddidnteditit, Apr 2015
%
If Marty McFly showed up today, he wouldn't need to change clothes. We would
just think he was a hipster.
	―Civil_Defense, Oct 2015
%
At least one of your ancestors has been alive on this Earth for every second
life has existed. Somewhere during the Roman Empire, medieval times, building
of the pyramids... your great-great-great-great...grandparent was running
around. And the survival of all of them has led to you.
	―HITMAN616, Jun 2014
%
My friend got General Tso's Chicken at a teriyaki restaurant today. He was an
American getting Chinese food cooked by Mexicans at a Japanese restaurant
owned by Koreans.
	―imsorrymilo, Jul 2016
%
When you're a kid, dare is the scarier option. When you're an adult, it's
truth.
	―IntoTheMystic1, Sep 2016
%
Knowing only the month and day of your death but not the year would be so much
worse than knowing the exact date.
	―TheDarkArts, Mar 2015
%
Yoda probably decided the release order of the Star Wars movies.
	―samtherat6, Apr 2015
%
There should be a "Getting Gas" button on your GPS or iPhone so that when you
are getting off the highway to get gas, it will direct you in the right
direction and not yell at you to make a U turn.
	―Ricky_Ruby, May 2015
%
To fish, humans are extra-terrestrial beings. Everything that comes from above
sea level is alien to them. They regularly witness these aliens abduct their
kin with hooks or nets, never to be heard from again. Some return back to the
water suffocating and confused, with holes in their jaws.
	―btopishere, Apr 2016
%
When weed becomes legal everywhere, Amazon is going to make billions on
to-your-doorstep weed delivery.
	―uncle_drunky, Apr 2016
%
Being an only child is third wheeling your parents for life.
	―asiano, Jul 2016
%
If nobody remembers my birthday, why do they still say it's a bad password?
	―eve_naive, Oct 2016
%
A video testing how many times an iPhone charger can be plugged in and out, or
how long an iPhone can stay on while being constantly charged would be more
useful to me than watching a video where an iPhone gets shoved inside a
watermelon and dropped off a 100ft bridge.
	―domatais7, Oct 2016
%
They should rename Wet Dreams to Snoregasms
	―jailop, Dec 2014
%
If I were a robber in Gotham City, I would wait until there were clear skies
so the bat-signal had no clouds to be seen on.
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
A bachelor party would be a lot more suited after a divorce opposed to before
a wedding
	―suckmyblunt, Jun 2016
%
We live in an age where the least trusted source of news is the media.
	―CantLiveByYourRules, Aug 2016
%
In real life we smile with our mouth. On the internet we smile with our
colon. :)
	―wpadera, Jan 2014
%
Everyone would drive much better if money collected from traffic citations was
given out randomly to people driving responsibly.
	―glfreestone, Aug 2014
%
Technically, my wife is my ex-girlfriend.
	―rerational, Oct 2014
%
Hooters should just give job applicants a bra and say "here, fill this out."
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
A newbie should be called a "pert", because over time, they'll become an
"ex-pert".
	―no_awning_no_mining, Nov 2015
%
Quitting a job because you aren't being paid enough should be called a Wage
Quit
	―whatthebitchsaw, Jan 2016
%
There is no "we" in team either.
	―CatchingRays, Feb 2014
%
Every A in Australia is pronounced differently.
	―atzyrus, May 2015
%
There are preachers who won't sleep tonight because they are so excited about
the hellfire and brimstone sermon they have planned for tomorrow.
	―wickbrand, Jun 2015
%
It's weird to think people who are six foot are only 6 subways tall
	―HypnoticHD, Oct 2015
%
The phrase "what an asshole" could be considered a compliment in the right
moment.
	―Jacksoffwithhotsauce, Nov 2015
%
i get paid to stare at a screen all day to afford to stare at a screen all
night
	―radjosh, Nov 2014
%
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
	―mengesha, Apr 2015
%
Whoever put the "b" in "subtle" is a genius.
	―drumminbird, Apr 2015
%
The Flintstones Christmas film takes place centuries before the very birth of
Christ
	―OfficialSquibble, Sep 2015
%
Once weed is legalized across the country Christmas shopping for me and my
friends will be so much easier.
	―Tedslefthand, Dec 2015
%
As I get older, "your mom" jokes are getting more and more risky.
	―MrHobbes82, Apr 2016
%
I never realize how dirty a song is until I listen to it with my parents
around.
	―MOISTbucketFART, Jul 2016
%
Life never really left the water. It just evolved to carry little pools of of
it around on land.
	―bunnyonalog, Oct 2014
%
The only way to judge a book is by the cover. Otherwise, you have to read the
whole book and then decide if you want to read it.
	―mrsfunkyjunk, Jul 2015
%
If I hear a car alarm the last thing I'd think is someone's stealing a car
	―Alissafdar, Aug 2016
%
"Why can't poor people just get a better job?" is today's equivalent of "Let
them eat cake".
	―PM_ME_A_NEW_USERNAME, Sep 2015
%
They should require cities to pass water and air quality minimums to be a
final candidate to host the Olympics
	―NorthRaptor, Aug 2016
%
Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll
show up quickly.
	―Maimad1987, Sep 2016
%
"Roast Beef" and "Ice Cream" are both names of food items, but are also the
cooking instructions for those food items.
	―oisdaman, Nov 2014
%
I fully expect first contact with another alien race to be like meeting new
friends freshman year of college. Everyone is unrealistically ultra nice, and
both sides are scared shitless the other will eventually find out how fucked
up their home lives are.
	―illinoishokie, Aug 2016
%
If a deaf person loses a finger, does it become a speech impediment?
	―followmylied, May 2015
%
Instead of rebooting amazing films, we should reboot shitty ones that showed
potential.
	―Frenchelbow, Nov 2015
%
Good atheists deserve a place in heaven more than good religious people,
because their good behaviour was never stimulated by any rewards.
	―MrBozooo, Aug 2016
%
when an ad pops up in the middle of a Youtube video, I think it actually
causes people to not want that product even more than before.
	―Schowzy, Aug 2016
%
I used to laugh at the movie Office Space, now I just get sad at how
accurately it reflects my work life
	―Jak_o_the_Shadow, Sep 2016
%
Any kid whose hs mascot was a falcon and graduated in 00 was a millennium
falcon
	―darthtate, Jul 2015
%
I often wonder how many memories I am in.
	―Chess87, Apr 2016
%
If you see a UFO, and then you figure out what it is, it's an FO. And if you
see it land, it's just an O.
	―thedeadmann, Sep 2016
%
I just realized I haven't seen a single Guy Fawkes mask today. Good job
everyone
	―Kilomega, Oct 2014
%
If there are 1 billion people better than you at something, you're still in
the top 15% for that thing.
	―thisislikemy5thaccy, Mar 2015
%
'Queue' has to be one of the weirdest words in English: a single spoken letter
followed by four silent vowels. A word that is 80% style over substance.
	―Eirezona, Apr 2015
%
The military of evey nation should have paintball team and have world
championships for shits and giggles.
	―_The_Burn_, Sep 2015
%
Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then
getting hit by an airplane.
	―Happy-Ghost, Jul 2016
%
There can be a Facebook meme I really love or agree with, but if it says
"Share if you agree!", I won't share it on principle.
	―SucksYouSay, Jul 2016
%
An American and an Australian if born right this second would have a different
birth date by day, month and year. If the American moves to Australia they
would still be older.
	―Rummy_Panfa, Jan 2016
%
I wonder how many miles my thumb has scrolled on my phone.
	―Leenie, Jan 2016
%
The sun's secondary job is literally moonlighting
	―BillyBBone, Mar 2016
%
As someone who doesnt drink, and also has a weakness for redheads, I can
accurately say that "I like my women like I like my ale: Ginger".
	―dkepp87, Oct 2016
%
80% of the letters in the word "queue" aren't pronounced.
	―TheDougDude, Jan 2014
%
High schools should make shop and basic plumbing courses mandatory, so
everyone can fix basic house problems
	―blizzardfang, Mar 2016
%
When a pet is terminally ill, we euthanize it because letting it suffer is
"inhumane." When a person is terminally ill, they must suffer it out because
euthanizing them would be "inhumane."
	―aaaaaaaaandrew, Dec 2014
%
When we say that mosquitoes have no role in the ecologic system, maybe their
role is to kill humans.
	―DogeSaint-Germain, Jul 2015
%
Bullets are the only things that do their job only after they are fired.
	―Flatline_hun, Jul 2015
%
I want to get a parrot and train it to say "I've been turned into a parrot"
	―MacariusWrench, Jan 2016
%
Collectors are probably way more interested in the original than the
"collector's edition"
	―Monkeytherat, May 2016
%
The reason Call of Duty games never change is because war never changes.
	―gagejozef, Oct 2015
%
My proof reading skills instantly increase 1000% as soon as I press "send"
	―DVMyZone, Sep 2016
%
There's a place in London with £9.00 coffee. My t-shirt cost £6. If I spilt
some on my t-shirt I'd be annoyed that I'd got t-shirt on my coffee
	―devonperson, Sep 2015
%
Driving tests should include jumping a car, changing a tire, and checking
basic fluids.
	―noocar, Jan 2016
%
Drinking water from a coffee mug is incredibly dissatisfying.
	―Dascancer, Sep 2016
%
Every hot girl I've ever had a crush on has probably at some point had violent
diarrhoea
	―PlumsNThings, Jun 2016
%
It is amazing to think that nighttime is actually the natural state of the
universe, and the only reason we have daytime is because Earth just so happens
to be facing a giant star illuminating it.
	―therap321, Sep 2016
%
What if God DID make us in His image, but He looks like a single cell
organism?
	―shigogaboo, Jan 2016
%
A billionaire could give me %.01 of his wealth and change my life while he is
virtually unaffected.
	―[deleted], Sep 2014
%
With less than a quarter of his net worth, Bill Gates could buy every team in
the NBA, draft himself, and pay every player in the league to play worse than
him so that he's the number one all star
	―CasualCharlie, Dec 2014
%
The word Noelle has two L's
	―the_unhelpfull_fatty, Mar 2015
%
Amazed that no science fiction book has been written based on the outcome of
somehow finding definitive proof that there are no aliens - it would be just
as shattering as the opposite.
	―alphabet_street, Aug 2015
%
I drive a 71 beetle. All day long people get punched, because of me.
	―rondo999, Sep 2015
%
Had Voldemort hidden pieces of his soul in mundane objects like rocks, instead
of rings, diadems, and other valuable items, and scattered them at the bottom
of the ocean, he would have been truly immortal.
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
What if your dog one day just randomly said, "Nobody is going to believe you"
and then never spoke again.
	―bboy44, May 2015
%
Do crabs think WE walk sideways?
	―Biobak_, Jan 2016
%
The URL for Google in Italy is the phrase "Google It" (google.it)
	―nope_bye, May 2016
%
It makes me really uncomfortable that 12am comes before 11am.
	―RiyazYusufi2015, Jul 2015
%
The Internet is basically a teenager right now. It's got all this potential,
but the only thing it's focussed on is buying things, trying to be popular and
sex.
	―SynysteredDave, May 2016
%
Not calling Karma "cReddits" seems like a real missed opportunity
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
The sentence "He laughs at nothing" both describes somebody who laughs at
everything, and somebody who never laughs at all.
	―candyporkandbeans, Mar 2013
%
All those Harlem Shake videos are still on Youtube
	―ColbertsBump, Dec 2013
%
On the day we won the Internet, we celebrate by spending hours arguing over
the color of a dress
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
I'd be more likely to donate to charity if I knew they wouldn't sent me
letters or call me asking for more money.
	―locks_are_paranoid, Dec 2015
%
The first human to hear a parrot speak probably had a hard time convincing his
mates
	―ellisking93, Jan 2016
%
Whoever invented Thundershirts for pets with anxiety missed a huge opportunity
by not calling it Thunderwear
	―weirdsaladstuff, Sep 2016
%
It's actually ok to ask somebody who works at the mint how much money they
make.
	―Mungo_Clump, Apr 2016
%
As a Muslim, everytime some Muslim commits an act of terror I feel just like
Professor X everytime Magneto/Brotherhood of Evil Mutants does something
stupid.
	―LastSonOfVegeta, Jun 2016
%
I love that John Krasinski is the voice of esurance - Jim from The Office is
endorsing a company that, literally, limits the need for paper...
	―JP_Leigh, Jul 2016
%
One bar of volume on your media device is not enough to watch a movie, but too
much for porn.
	―vartanu, Oct 2016
%
Parents who are friends with their kids literally made friends
	―JoshuaChristmas, Apr 2016
%
A billionaire could give me %.01 of his wealth and change my life while he is
virtually unaffected.
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
TL;DR is a TL;DR of itself
	―ItsJustMalcolm, Jul 2016
%
I have so little faith in humanity I look both ways before crossing a one way
road.
	―Jarvisthejellyfish, Aug 2016
%
In England, if you don't pay for your TV licence, you can be sent to
prison. Where you can watch all the TV you want, without needing a licence.
	―MrMikeHunt, Nov 2014
%
Getting off is good. Getting Laid is good. Getting laid off is bad.
	―InertiaInMyPants, Mar 2016
%
In the year 2021, hindsight will be 2020.
	―Prooffread3r, Mar 2015
%
Today's date is 2²/3²/4².
	―DJ-Tom-3, Apr 2016
%
We are all living at the bottom of an ocean of Oxygen.
	―joehumdinger, Jan 2014
%
Someday, when we've colonized Mars, the Curiosity Rover will be in a
museum. On Mars.
	―chamomiles, Jan 2014
%
I'm sure if weed was legalized everywhere, this would be a more popular
subreddit.
	―OmegaPiggi, Nov 2015
%
"If you are a pessimist, you are never going to be disappointed" is a very
optimistic attitude to being a pessimist.
	―the-real-bro, Apr 2016
%
When I buy CDs I now see it as more of a donation to the artist than an actual
purchase.
	―Hugs_wombats, Oct 2016
%
When sand is dry, it behaves like a liquid. When it is wet, it behaves more
like a solid.
	―finob, Mar 2016
%
Daniel Radcliff needs to play a Bond villain at one point in his career
	―malgoya, Aug 2016
%
Our whole planet could just be an alien's science project that he got a C on.
	―Peanutbuttered, Nov 2014
%
You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.
	―iris_X, Nov 2015
%
What if the reason there are no witches, vampires and werewolves is because
the "witch trials" in the 17th century actually worked?
	―edubminum, Sep 2015
%
I want to start a major software company called "Orange," just so when I get
compared to Steve Jobs, I can say, "Woah, now. You're just comparing Apples to
Oranges, here."
	―SolidCactus27, Dec 2015
%
Maybe Anti-Vaxxers notice higher trends of mental disabilities in children
because they aren't exactly passing along top notch genes to begin with.
	―Sick0h, Mar 2016
%
It took Pokémon GO to get Americans to use the metric system
	―thefunkylemon, Jul 2016
%
The lady who voices the standard "you've reached the voice mailbox"
message... Does she record her own VM greeting or use the standard one, which
is her voice?
	―robomf, Oct 2013
%
Somewhere in another galaxy, an extraterrestrial might be using a photo of our
Milky Way as their desktop wallpaper.
	―Hardcorish, Jan 2015
%
If Bill Gates died and left his fortune to EVERYONE in the U.S., everyone
would roughly gain $240
	―BambiTyler, Jul 2016
%
I think that NSFW tags are useless on this sub because most of the posts don't
have anything beside title anyway.
	―Maroshitsu, Aug 2016
%
Kenny's family is poor because they're always paying for his funeral.
	―Eskimobrutha, Sep 2016
%
the strangest part of growing up is realizing how little adults really know
	―gabirole, Oct 2016
%
If ejaculating reduces risk of prostate cancer, then porn websites are
fighting cancer.
	―Gurrb17, Jun 2015
%
As a kid, I was careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I'm
careful not to curse around kids.
	―kayjay25, Sep 2015
%
Why aren't there washing machines and dishwashers that you can pour a gallon
of detergent into and they automatically add it to loads?
	―theresamouseinmyhous, Sep 2015
%
Schrodinger's iPhone: If you drop your iPhone on the ground face down, the
screen is both in tact and cracked at the same time until you look at it.
	―apt-get_-y_tittypics, Oct 2014
%
If Alcohol was discovered today, there's just no way it would get FDA approval
	―TBOJ, Dec 2014
%
There are no Fallout 4 posts on the front page now because everybody who
bothers with it, is playing it now.
	―DavePost87, Nov 2015
%
Christians preach abstinence as a 100% effective form of birth control when it
didn't even work for Mary...
	―Bootsnpots, May 2016
%
Why do "balls" equate to toughness and "pussy" equates to weakness when even
the slightest flick to the nards sends a guy to his knees and vaginas can push
out an entire human being?
	―Good-ol-mr-helpful, Jun 2015
%
I was illegally downloading movies on my house boat... when I realized I was
pirating on a boat!
	―KevinSaw, Aug 2015
%
Weed is legal in two states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23 states.
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
With Disney owning Marvel, Pixar and Star Wars plus the upcoming introduction
of Doctor Strange (alternate dimensions), it is entirely possible to see a
three way crossover of The Incredibles, The Avengers and the Jedis in the same
film, as a musical.
	―joeycloud, May 2016
%
A wood fire is like releasing all the sunlight a tree absorbed in its life all
at once.
	―Stooven, Jul 2016
%
People say "R.I.P Inbox", when they really mean - " My inbox has never felt
more alive."
	―galaxialtourist, Jul 2015
%
The healthiest marriage I've ever seen is between Gomez and Morticia Addams.
	―Evajin, Aug 2015
%
Whenever I think of the sea I think of beaches and ports but never of the
miles of nothing and darkness that makes up the most of it.
	―GetKiwan, Apr 2016
%
If you ever get a pig, you should name it Benis. That way you can tell people
"This is my pig Benis".
	―rubber22, Jan 2015
%
The Ents attacking Isengaard in LOTR is an epic depiction of paper defeating
rock.
	―1b1d, Apr 2015
%
I just realized that dog toys have squeakers to simulate an animal making
dying sounds.
	―forestfire55, Oct 2016
%
The tallest person alive has been the same height as every single person in
the world at one point.
	―ChemicLs_, Aug 2016
%
With a good enough 3D printer, I could download more RAM.
	―Gamermii, Jun 2015
%
I've never once heard elevator music while riding an elevator
	―garbage_day_everyday, May 2016
%
The healthiest I treat my body is when I'm already ill
	―sultrystag, Jul 2016
%
Netflix should call subscribers who just watched "the Ring".
	―Assorted_Bits, Jan 2015
%
1990 is as far away as 2040
	―Boediee, Mar 2015
%
If Germany is the Fatherland and Russia is the Motherland then the eastern
front of WWII was the bloodiest divorce in history.
	―Yobleck, Jul 2016
%
What if extra-terrestrial doesnt come visit earth because they're light years
away and fear the dinosaurs they see.
	―newyork89, Mar 2015
%
Gangs are just frats for people who don't go to college
	―Avayorn, Sep 2015
%
Parents should start buying their kids manual transmission cars to prevent
them from texting.
	―ZarquonsFlatTire, Sep 2015
%
There should be an official Youtube video that establishes a baseline
"loudness" so that editors can standardize it and so I don't have to change my
volume constantly
	―Gamesfreak13563, Feb 2016
%
Most people will gladly store their useless junk in their garage, and leave
their $20,000 car outside
	―cxrlxs, Feb 2016
%
I can't imagine fighting in armor. I feel uncomfortable just walking uphill in
blue jeans
	―BrighamDumb, Jul 2016
%
If you were pushed through a hallway toward your death with no way to stop and
no way to turn back, you'd be pretty terrified. Yet this is how we experience
time.
	―maddsc17, Aug 2016
%
Every time I shave, the longest beard I could possibly grow becomes shorter.
	―uucc, Nov 2015
%
The most underrated people are the ones who sift through all the shitty posts
in new
	―Ibott09, Jul 2016
%
I wonder if I've ever drank the milk from the same cow twice?
	―DatGuava, Oct 2014
%
If you don't choose to have a kid, you are at the end of a 4 billion year old
chemical process that finally just said "screw it"
	―Conan776, Apr 2016
%
The final e in finale is the finale of finale.
	―rotten_miracles, Jun 2014
%
Telling your boyfriend he's not funny, is the equivalent of telling your
girlfriend she is fat
	―OllanSkittles, Sep 2015
%
Photo developers were the original victims of unsolicited dick pics
	―moralanarchy, Jun 2016
%
Lasik eye surgery is exactly what we were always told not to do with lasers.
	―RasputinKvas, May 2016
%
The seashore is a dumb place for Sally to sell seashells
	―jackman-chan, Mar 2015
%
The first guy to realize parrots could mimic humans must have freaked the fuck
out
	―TQQ, Nov 2015
%
Uber' Ad campaign should be, "Feel free to get Uber drunk tonight"
	―TheRetroVideogamers, Dec 2015
%
If something really "worked like a dream" it's instructions would be really
odd and difficult to remember.
	―tomtom615, Aug 2016
%
/r/mildlyinfuriating should change its font to Comic Sans
	―Topfenknoedl, Aug 2016
%
Your age is just the number of laps you've done around a giant fireball in the
centre of the solar system.
	―invoker_11, Oct 2016
%
Not hiring someone because they've been unemployed is like not dating someone
because they've been single.
	―MikeCFord, Mar 2016
%
All your internal organs function in complete darkness.
	―ThurstonHowellIV, Nov 2014
%
Im disappointed Head and Shoulders didn't release a product called Knees and
Toes
	―supersheeep, Aug 2015
%
A mean mathematician is just an average guy.
	―s_a_j26, Aug 2015
%
The price of a calender should drop 8.3% every month it hasn't sold.
	―BrawnyCotton, Oct 2015
%
The main reason I like reddit so much is that no one I know uses it.
	―SpookyItalianDish, Oct 2016
%
Turning off your alarm is like accepting the day's terms and conditions.
	―trentley, Jun 2015
%
After everyone transforms back into a human at the end of Beauty and the
Beast, it must have cost a fortune to restock the castle with lighting,
furniture, and cookware.
	―GirlUneedAShotofB12, Oct 2015
%
It blows my mind that the sun is 93 million miles away from us, and we can
still feel it's heat on our cheek
	―Mvem, Sep 2016
%
I've fallen asleep nearly every day for 25 years, yet I have no memory of how
it actually happens.
	―ersatztruth, Jul 2013
%
Eating while taking a poo is kind of like those stacking point pencils from
the 90s.
	―ZKROD, Jun 2016
%
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times,
and you've scientifically determined you can fool me.
	―doorkn00b, Oct 2016
%
Eyeglasses' job is to screw up a perfect stream of input in just the right way
so your messed up eyes see it as perfect.
	―phalangion, Oct 2014
%
I wonder if anybody's ever named their son "James Bond Bond," so that when
their name is printed last-name-first it's Bond, James Bond.
	―Turbojett, Jan 2015
%
There are only two days in your lifetime that aren't 24 hours long.
	―ShazamBitches, Jun 2015
%
Netflix and Spotify should team up, so after you're done watching a show/movie
you can look up the songs from that episode or movie.
	―nickmichaelson, Aug 2015
%
Santa Claus should be in the mall the week after Christmas so kids can go back
to thank him for the presents he brought them.
	―plafman, Dec 2015
%
If you want to truly crash the Internet, have the director of the NSA do an
AMA.
	―dekket, Aug 2015
%
The word "prefix" has a prefix.
	―steelpan, May 2014
%
Seth MacFarlane sounds like he forgot his normal voice and is immitating what
he thinks he sounded like
	―Mantis_Pantis, Jan 2015
%
In space, everything is a stones throw away.
	―BretticusMaximus92, Jul 2014
%
A group of starfish should be called a constellation
	―BoyInACatCostume, Mar 2015
%
What if way into the future when time travel is invented two scientists named
Adam and Eve travel back to the beginning of time but find nothing and
discover that they have to start all the life in the world
	―AlmightyCL3V, May 2015
%
Saying the letters NSFW require more syllables than saying Not Safe For Work.
	―Skuhdoodle, Sep 2015
%
Today a blimp's only purpose is to make you go "hey it's a blimp"
	―FricasseeingRabbit, Mar 2016
%
Over time, the expression "you sound like a broken record" will lose all of
its literal meaning and become just a strange, idiomatic expression
	―zeptimius, May 2015
%
The saying "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" is basically saying that you
should join the bandwagon rather than continuing to stand up for what you
believe in
	―LiquidMonocle, May 2016
%
It's normal to call your son "son" but it's weird to call your daughter
"daughter"
	―TheBaz, Nov 2013
%
The person who named the belly button must have had an "outie".
	―jjones217, May 2015
%
Gray hair is just your hair printer running out of ink.
	―Caliphart, Sep 2015
%
As a single guy, my heated passenger seat in my car is a takeout warmer.
	―Drivethrugaming, Oct 2015
%
Peter Dinklage is a star. A white dwarf, to be more accurate.
	―Panyeman, Dec 2014
%
Law and Order is just Scooby Doo for adults.
	―VinceDeF, Jul 2016
%
My life is really like Rihanna's song, "just work work work work work" and the
rest of it I can't really understand.
	―CertifiedHogFucker, Sep 2016
%
Unless you're a celebrity, Twitter is like talking to yourself in a crowded
room.
	―planetsalic, Mar 2016
%
Today I broke my personal best Record for most consecutive days lived.
	―GravyWagon, Jul 2016
%
I've never seen a police officer fill up their patrol car at a gas station
	―ohmyvitalize, Dec 2013
%
My dog won't fetch balls, only rocks. Now I get excited when I spot a good
rock for her, even if she's not w/ me. My dog has been training me to fetch
all along...
	―Scootch1233, May 2014
%
People always joke about browsing reddit all day at work, but for the people
who work at buzzfeed it probably is their job.
	―Firestorm987, Apr 2015
%
If last names came from professions like Blacksmith, Fischer, and Hunter; then
someone drop the ball with Dickinson
	―HanSoloCenturyFalkon, Nov 2015
%
To a dog, farts are just long distance handshakes.
	―Diabetic_Clam, Jan 2016
%
"Star Wars" is a very uncreative name.
	―lost_my_dickens, Sep 2013
%
The first man to ever get circumcised probably had to do ALOT of explaining to
people he had sex with.
	―VladimirPigPutin, Oct 2015
%
There are a bunch of unofficial Showerthoughts Twitter accounts with WAY more
followers than us that don't give you guys any credit - help us catch up by
following our official @rShowerthoughts account!
	―drumcowski, Apr 2016
%
When you say "the uhhhhhh..." in the middle of a sentence while trying to
remember something, your brain is vocalizing its loading icon.
	―ElectricFlesh, May 2016
%
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
	―TankArtist, Jul 2016
%
A child born 08.08.08 is 8 years and 8 days old today.
	―GigaFluxx, Aug 2016
%
Threads are called threads because they are on the web
	―scyiia, Jan 2014
%
Rappers only ever talk about being extremely poor or obscenely rich. There are
no "middle class" rappers.
	―Br0metheus, Aug 2015
%
Laptop designers need to test their product at 4 am in a dark room half asleep
and THEN decide if their brightness setting goes low enough
	―didsomebodysaymyname, Feb 2016
%
I don't have a inner voice, I have 3 inner voices. One that says what I'm
really thinking, one that calls me stupid for thinking that and one that tries
to explain my point of view.
	―oopleeaze, Mar 2016
%
I want to live in Bikini Bottom. A place where you can afford a decent house
on a single fast food employee's wage.
	―Falco_Columbarius, Jul 2015
%
We should all agree on a day to not post anything on Reddit, and watch
Buzzfeed scramble and fail.
	―thefakejimmyfallon, Aug 2015
%
On 6/9/69 I will also be 69 years old, it will be a day that goes down in
history.
	―duststormx, Jun 2016
%
People go to cafés to have a stimulant and relax, and to night clubs to have a
depressant and go crazy
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
When I go to the mall with my girlfriend I'm basically an NPC companion. I am
constantly standing in her way, unaware of where she intends to go and not
really paying attention. So maybe bad NPC AI in video games isn't so off base
after all.
	―robotron91, Oct 2016
%
I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living
room. For Jesus.
	―I_Say_I_Say, Dec 2014
%
If you really want to get to know someone on a 1st date, just ask about their
first pet or favorite teacher. Then read all their emails.
	―[deleted], Jul 2015
%
Catcalling a woman is about as effective as calling a cat
	―zxgf, May 2016
%
Google should send a self-driving car to capture street view images in
Chernobyl.
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
You know, for an adult cartoon I've liked Family Guy less and less as I've
grown older
	―0ddStranger, Feb 2016
%
If they played the Pokemon Center music in hospitals it would be an overall
better experience
	―J_A_C_O_B, Jul 2016
%
Gotye is now someone that we used to know.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
If Anna Kendrick married Kendrick Lamar, her name could potentially become
Anna Kendrick-Lamar
	―the29wall, May 2015
%
Imagine if playing tag was a globaly watched multi-million dollar game like
football with professionals and everything.
	―Werben1agerman1ensen, Oct 2015
%
I only use about 3% of toilet paper for wiping my ass, the rest is just for
not getting shit on my hands.
	―juanito883, Jan 2016
%
Harry Potter is actually kind of an asshole. He's not very good at magic, and
he's constantly relying on his friends to do his research for him and bail him
out so he can take all the credit.
	―Trauma_Queen1, Aug 2016
%
Being born is the first time I did something for the last time and dying will
be the last time I do something for the first time
	―ramdhiraj, Oct 2016
%
Apple should respond to Google Glass with the iPatch
	―sam_wise_guy, Aug 2014
%
why not have a ''front page'' and a ''NSFW front page?''
	―plasma1147, Apr 2016
%
It’s so dumb that drug dealers get sentenced to prison longer than
rapists. People ask for drugs, nobody asks for rape.
	―watl0l, Aug 2016
%
Seeing someone reading a book you love is kind of like a book recommending a
person.
	―JohnnyIERB, Apr 2014
%
Subway employees must hear "Ummm..." a thousand times each shift.
	―embiggenedmind, Aug 2015
%
I wish people randomly offered me weed as often as middle school health
classes said they would
	―Hendri32, Aug 2016
%
Sometimes I hate a post so much I wish Reddit offered the opposite of Reddit
Gold. They could call it Reddit Turd and charge more for it than Reddit Gold.
	―FinishingSauce, Dec 2014
%
In the future, ancestry.com would just link to our old Facebook accounts.
	―thegrinderofpizza, Nov 2015
%
Last week, I was a proud owner of "Star Wars: The Complete Saga"
	―tromboner21, Dec 2015
%
What if every dog is reincarnated into another dog after they die and whenever
you see a person walking their dog who goes crazy and tries to meet you and be
your best friend is really your childhood dog trying to tell you he knows you
and misses you?
	―AMVRocks, Aug 2016
%
Cinemas should have audio jacks on chairs so you can drown out annoying people
with your own headphones.
	―hoboharty, Aug 2015
%
"Netflix and _____" would make a great black card for Cards Against Humanity.
	―kyolaroni, Sep 2015
%
Finding your horse dead is both a first and third world problem
	―Iamnotdaredevil, Oct 2016
%
We can land an RC car on the surface of Mars, but it still takes a finger up
the anus to test for prostate cancer.
	―mattonmc, Sep 2014
%
I feel like my penis and the hulk are similar in many ways they both double
there size, do things they regret, and then shrink feeling tired
	―somemadkid, Jun 2015
%
Blankets don't make us warm, we make blankets warm.
	―C-wizard, Mar 2016
%
As an American, it's nice to see that another country is the laughing stock of
the world for a change.
	―Petey3894, Jun 2016
%
When I'm old, being older than Google will be a big deal.
	―jwmosher, Jul 2016
%
Hanging pictures of your children in your office is an implied threat. "These
kids will die of malnutrition if you fire me."
	―rayfromparkville, Jul 2015
%
Humanity went from PvE to PvP
	―TheFeelsGuy, Sep 2015
%
Facebook is just a Pokédex for people.
	―Wallach96, Oct 2016
%
I wonder how many people who have signed up for reddit are now dead
	―nickcooper1991, Apr 2014
%
If Dr Dre ever gets into a fight or hits someone, the internet will be full of
"beats by Dre" jokes
	―The_Atticus, Sep 2014
%
Ariana Grande sounds like a font on Microsoft Word
	―makinthings, Dec 2014
%
I wonder if every president goes through an awkward first few weeks in the
office when they're not sure when the right time is to ask if aliens are real
or not.
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
Rick Astley is probably having a hard time with Lent.
	―turbinador, Feb 2015
%
I wonder if I've ever had the same dollar bill twice
	―Well_thats_cool, May 2016
%
I think Samsung research team misunderstood when their customers said they
needed a "Lighter" phone.
	―coolidiot2000, Oct 2016
%
The lottery is not a tax on people who can't do math. The people who buy
tickets understand the odds of them winning millions are far better than the
odds of them earning millions.
	―stormreddit, Nov 2014
%
Jimmy John's should open up an upscale restaurant called "James Jonathan's"
	―MakeMusicGreatAgain, Jan 2016
%
Right now my body is doing hundreds of things to keep me alive, but
consciously I'm just scratching my ass
	―Kamanev, Apr 2016
%
No matter how stupid you think your ideas are, remember, there’s a millionaire
out there because of pool noodles.
	―JOSHUA_MARK15, Sep 2016
%
Pokemon is basically cockfighting for kids.
	―muhahah, Nov 2015
%
"My parents are gay," is now a good response to Mormons at your door.
	―jazzychassis, Nov 2015
%
I'm so bad at Reddit, most of my conversations are with bots, informing me
that I screwed up my post.
	―Badoor11, Oct 2016
%
When applying for a job at the NSA, do you really need a résumé?
	―15MinClub, Oct 2016
%
We're lucky that sound can't travel through the vacuum of space. If it could,
the universe would be incredibly loud.
	―WHALEDAD, Oct 2016
%
I just realized the phrase "honk if you're horny" is a pun about horns.
	―trashconverters, Oct 2015
%
With water, it's a puddle, but with blood, it's a pool.
	―TheRealTMBS, Nov 2015
%
We invented phones so we wouldn't have to type out our messages. Look at us
now.
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
Lonely seniors in retirement homes should be introduced to reddit as we would
listen to their tales of the good old days.
	―FuckYofavMC, Oct 2014
%
I never read someone's username until somebody points out how ridiculous it is
	―PM_ME_YOUR_PANINIS, Aug 2015
%
Toilets should have a foot pedal to lift the seat, like trash cans.
	―HumanQualities, May 2013
%
In 16 years when my daughter is 18, each GoneWild link will momentarily
terrify me.
	―sharinghappiness, Mar 2015
%
Donald Trump doesn't actually want to be president. He just wants to get more
airtime where people listen to his opinions.
	―zjbird, Jun 2015
%
Five to ten years ago, custom cell phone rings were all the rage. Today,
everyone I know either uses the stock ringtone or keeps it on vibrate.
	―salad_dressing_dude, Sep 2015
%
Male unicorn genitalia should be referred to as "Majesticals".
	―Areenix, Apr 2016
%
I wish there were a app with statistics about my life. "9 woman thought about
sex with you.", "3 people thought about killing you", ..
	―Ustonovic, Jul 2016
%
When saving, games should allow you to leave a note so that the next time you
start playing you remember what you did or what you were going to do.
	―Obelisdev, Dec 2014
%
Bed, Bath and Beyond would be a great name for a brothel
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
The people who died climbing Mount Everest, who's bodies can never be
recovered, have the worlds most beautiful tombstone.
	―Mr-Rubber-Cot, Nov 2015
%
If alcohol reveals your true self, then my real self just want to go to sleep.
	―goethean, Jul 2016
%
The last person I would want giving me love and marriage advice during my
wedding ceremony is a priest that has lived a life of celibacy
	―ReallyUnbelievable, Oct 2016
%
The tallest man on the planet has been every one of your heights at at least
one point in his life.
	―ThatsNotFroot, Jun 2013
%
Traveling is just a real world type of DLC: you pay a bunch of money to unlock
a part of the game that you couldn't get to otherwise.
	―MasterOfAnalogies, Mar 2016
%
Classes should have a final test in the first week and if you pass it you pass
the class but if you fail you have to take it normally
	―tappi22, Sep 2016
%
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it straight up.
	―LuckyLuke90, Jul 2015
%
If you're gonna commit suicide, you might aswell run into area 51
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
What if police brutality has not increased but the amount of smartphones with
cameras filming them?
	―noscope420YOLO, Aug 2016
%
The people offended at NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem, are
the same people who think this country is too easily offended
	―Neyja, Sep 2016
%
Joan Rivers probably won't decompose for thousands of years
	―theshamwowguy, Sep 2014
%
Maybe really rich and "successful" people tend to be miserable because that
feel like they've "beat the game," and now life is just a bunch of side
quests.
	―Disturbingly_Nice, Sep 2015
%
If I heard voices I would always wear a Bluetooth so I could answer them
without social stigma
	―vonnegutgal, Dec 2015
%
Being told over and over to "stay in school" is the only reason it ever
occurred to me that I could choose not to stay in school.
	―MellowMickSnowed, Mar 2016
%
I wonder if spiders compare web sizes. “Wow man, you live in a mansion” Thanks
dude, I built it myself.
	―jhon_wilson, Jul 2016
%
Men don't become more mature as they age, they become better at hiding how
immature they really are.
	―viceman99, Oct 2016
%
I always say I've "heard" things I've learned on Reddit to make it seem like I
talk to more people than I actually do.
	―rld2013, Sep 2016
%
If I saw a ghost, it would be the happiest day of my life... even if it was a
scary ghost that planned to kill me, at least I would know there's an
afterlife.
	―grandsonaccount, Sep 2016
%
If there was a bipartisan bill sponsoring medical marijuana for arthritis
relief, it would be joint support for joint support for joint support
	―geekmuseNU, Jun 2014
%
Everything posted in r/food is a shit post, eventually.
	―Algernon2Molitor, Aug 2016
%
I would never park in a handicapped spot, but I always shit in the handicapped
stall when available.
	―VegansAndVitamins, Sep 2015
%
What if Axe was invented by women to easily spot the douchebags?
	―GrandMa5TR, Jun 2016
%
The more I learn, the shittier the world gets.
	―pluviophilosophy, Dec 2013
%
Amazon should have an option to donate to charity if your short on free
shipping
	―Danot3, Oct 2015
%
Working out is just tricking your body into thinking your life is harder than
it actually is
	―Jkizzle9, Jan 2016
%
I often google how to spell a word before I correct someone for spelling it
wrong, to make sure I'm right.
	―DJS_88, Apr 2016
%
If you rip a hole in a fish net, there are fewer holes in it.
	―siegro, Oct 2016
%
They should make a tinder for orphans and parents looking to adopt...
	―blinking_cursor, Aug 2014
%
Religious symbols are simply marketing logos for a particular brand of God.
	―knowses, Sep 2014
%
Sometimes when I eat broccoli I think, this must be what it's like for giants
when they eat trees, but then I realize giants don't eat trees, and then I
remember there's no giants, and then I remember broccoli is gross and I get
even more sad.
	―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016
%
Whenever Disney "re-imagines" an animated classic as a live action film, they
use so much CGI that they’re essentially making an animated film.
	―Try2bAmused, May 2016
%
When I was a kid I ran through the woods with a Super Soaker shooting at trees
like I was fighting in a war, looking back the trees probably saw me as a
short fat forest troll nurturing them instead.
	―Paynstar, Jan 2015
%
What if Jesus has a Twitter account but nobody knows about it because he only
has 12 followers?
	―brutchev, Mar 2015
%
If someone killed the 1st zombie, stopping a zombie apocalypse from happening,
he\she would more then likely go to prison
	―Kelpt, Nov 2015
%
When I was a kid, I imagined a TV channel that only reported positive news of
the world. I'm now 32, and want that more than ever.
	―philipzeplin, Sep 2016
%
The word pueblo in Spanish means "village." The Pueblo Indians are literally
the Village People.
	―graaahh, Jan 2014
%
Social media is to real life what porn is to real sex.
	―HardAtWorkPainting, Nov 2015
%
Ads on the Internet are getting so smart that when I see a diaper ad, I worry
Google knows something I don't
	―kiver16, Aug 2016
%
Hodor is basically a Pokemon. He is only able to say his name and he fights
under his master's control.
	―ekidwell, Aug 2014
%
There should be a "no depressing shit" button on reddit.. I don't like looking
at sad stuff.
	―elfmachine100, Feb 2016
%
Maybe the reason we've never met a time-traveler, is that we live in the most
boring part of all history.
	―Nwsamurai, Dec 2014
%
if my dad jerked off just ONCE more in his life before my conception i
wouldn't be here
	―gay4u69, Feb 2014
%
Today is Mario day. MAR 10. MAR10
	―Pillow_Fucker_Jones, Mar 2015
%
The "success rate" of prayer must have drastically increased after the
discovery of modern medicine
	―justinbibber, May 2016
%
When someone dies on a TV show, we are basically watching them get fired.
	―therap321, Sep 2016
%
Saying "I pay your salary so I am your boss!" to a cop is like saying "I pay
social security so I own the old people!"
	―UncannyFart, Oct 2016
%
Cash Cab should have a version where they pick up drunks from the bar at 2 am
	―Redditusedtobedecent, Jul 2015
%
When I die I want my last google search to be "How to fake your own death"
	―MeatCat88, Apr 2016
%
99% of the time I have no idea what's going on when I play pinball
	―MeltingDog, Jun 2016
%
For a change I´d like to know how much karma I´ve given out
	―runner909, Dec 2015
%
If the gold rush had happened just 20 years later there would be a football
team called the 69ers.
	―Grohingdust, Feb 2016
%
To find a needle in a haystack all you have to do is burn down the haystack.
	―WizardsandStuff, Aug 2016
%
Star Wars and Metallica fans are the same: die hard fans that never stop
talking about their first three albums, have been disappointed with everything
since then and are always hopeful the next release will redeem them.
	―edenburns, Dec 2015
%
The subreddit for Arkansas should be r/Kansas
	―AI1223, Jan 2016
%
Reddit really needs someone to handle the bad PR due to the backlash of firing
the person who handles PR
	―iamtimcast, Jul 2015
%
Goat milk should be marketed to children with the slogan "Kids love it!"
	―shiny_metal, Nov 2013
%
If we were eyeless we'd be unaware of colour. What if we're missing some part
of reality because we don't have the organ to detect it?
	―CourageDeCowardlyDog, Nov 2015
%
Lightswitches/lightbulbs should have two modes, the normal brightness mode and
the "i just need to pee, don't blind me" mode.
	―talpazz, Aug 2015
%
"Slang" is the slang term for Colloquial.
	―HoneyNutCrunch, Sep 2015
%
My 5 yo son this morning: "I love the steam from eggs... it's like little
souls going up."
	―kev_dog27, Sep 2016
%
Hitler masturbated.
	―Artyomic, Oct 2013
%
Ben & Jerry's should hire a mascot called Scoop Dogg to promote their new
cannabis ice-cream
	―Lincyat, Mar 2015
%
'Gluten Tag' would be a really great name for a German Bakery.
	―Pargsnip, Dec 2015
%
Maybe we're the advanced alien race that one day shows up to mess with other
peoples' planet.
	―ObeseWan, Feb 2016
%
Taking the cover off my phone is like sex without a condom. I know it's
dangerous but it just feels so much better
	―Brexitishere, Jun 2016
%
If Goldilocks tried three beds, then Momma Bear and Daddy Bear slept
seperately. Baby Bear is probably the only thing keeping the family together.
	―Thumbhat, Aug 2016
%
Someone should parody the Apple dancing silhouette commercials and have the
new earbuds flying wildly in all directions as they try to dance.
	―Predditorylender, Sep 2016
%
Kanye West may have more money than me, but any time I want I can see the
mother of his child with a dick in her mouth
	―smokeTO, Feb 2015
%
The first 18 years of your life is like a free demo, then it's pay to play.
	―Pikachu579, Oct 2016
%
Whenever someone makes a typo, I always look at my keyboard to see if the
wrong letter is close enough to the correct letter to be justifiable.
	―Ball_til_I_fall, Oct 2016
%
The first person to have twins must have been so confused
	―IMP1017, Mar 2013
%
I would know alot more about WW1 if WW2 never happened
	―TBS_, Sep 2013
%
The 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous involve praying to a man who turns water
into wine.
	―Son0vaGlitch, Apr 2015
%
If I ever had to do porn for money, I would do the nastiest, dirtiest stuff
out there, because then if someone I know finds out, they can't tell anyone
they've watched it.
	―TY3000, Nov 2015
%
Ted Cruz's first words in response to the Iowa caucus win were "to god goes
the glory" aka "Allahu Akbar."
	―greycap7, Feb 2016
%
"I didn't suck his dick" means 5 different things depending on which word you
emphasise
	―bigbeno98, Apr 2016
%
I really wish my male pattern baldness would start with my armpits and
shoulders.
	―true_spokes, Sep 2016
%
Belt loops are like belts for a belt.
	―youonme, Dec 2015
%
It'd be cool if all Reddit users all did something collectively that instantly
changed the world Like, if 200 million users gave up eating fish for a month
to help the oceans, or stopped buying a product just to bankrupt a major
company overnight, or...I dunno, something. Any suggestion?
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
I'm 17, and frequently use IMDB's Parent Guide to make sure a movie is okay
for my parents to watch.
	―TyCooper8, May 2016
%
There should be a second horn in your car that is used to show appreciation
for a smart driving maneuver.
	―mickjagaloon, Jul 2016
%
Who the fuck was "I" in the "Now that's what I call music" album series?
	―Jorogasm, Apr 2016
%
Pornhub has better category refinement then Netflix
	―nah_thataintme, Jul 2016
%
I wonder how many fake arguments I've lost in other people's heads.
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
Dating sites should use Drivers License photos, so people will have lower
expectations from the start.
	―Loudsilences, Jul 2016
%
Sony should release "The Interview" free online as a middle finger to the
"terrorists".
	―AchillesRage, Dec 2014
%
If you're driving a Tesla and it get stolen, is it now an "Edison"?
	―MeowMixSong, Sep 2016
%
Of all the animals to make gummy why aren't there gummy jellyfish with sour
tentacles
	―jt2893, Oct 2016
%
Queen Elizabeth II has been alive since the height of the British Empire and
has spent roughly 78% of her life watching it decline
	―Turnoverr, Jun 2016
%
At night I have all this motivation to get my life together and become a
better person but then in the morning I'm just like "Nah"
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
I don't buy lotto tickets because I think I'll win, I buy it to grant myself
access to day dream
	―mwhaskin, Jan 2016
%
I'd be a lot more motivated at work if my boss paid me in cash every hour.
	―goethean, Feb 2016
%
Weird Al should redo Pharrell Williams' hit as "Crappy"
	―Philip_of_mastadon, May 2014
%
Growing up, everyone was worried that "the powers that be" were going to
microchip us. With the spread of smart phones, we microchipped ourselves.
	―PabloEstAmor, Apr 2015
%
I just realized Justin Bieber is Canadian and his most popular song is,
"Sorry."
	―BrianGossling, Jun 2016
%
A net is a flaccid cage. A cage is an erect net.
	―Very_Naive_Girl, Apr 2014
%
If the Tooth Fairy was real, they would just be an expert criminal with a
really weird fetish.
	―Theholycasson, Aug 2015
%
When we make alien contact I wonder if any of our common household items will
look like their genitals and forever be ruined
	―justhereforhides, Nov 2014
%
The more advanced CGI becomes, the less dependable video evidence will be.
	―ShireHobbit, May 2014
%
There should be a PIN you could enter into an ATM that shows you only have
$23.11, in case you get robbed for all your money.
	―haunter12, Jan 2015
%
If sea creatures are hurt, I wonder if the salt in their wounds burns so
much...
	―KrishaCZ, Feb 2015
%
If my girlfriend and I break up, I will never see her dog again and he will
have no idea why.
	―[deleted], May 2015
%
They say it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, but it takes even less
to leave your face in an expressionless mask because you're dead inside.
	―geniegnee, Apr 2016
%
We will only pay a few dollars for cow meat but we will pay hundreds of
dollars for cow skin
	―heykarlll, Aug 2016
%
Katie Perry singing 'you change your mind like a girl changes clothes' is the
same as singing 'you change your mind like a girl changes her mind'.
	―brianenyo, Oct 2015
%
Once self-driving cars are legal, we will be able to send our pets to pick up
family at the airport.
	―AtlasSchwarzenegger, Dec 2015
%
It's 2016 and we still haven't figured out a solution to that thing that
happens when you try to call someone and they go to call you back but you're
calling them at the same time and no one can get through
	―Zacg15, Mar 2016
%
If the Presbyterian church now has gay marriage as a part of its religion,
laws banning gay marriage now infringe on the religious freedom of Christians.
	―Dixzon, Jun 2014
%
We eat pizza from the inside out.
	―shnookshnook, Nov 2015
%
Deaf people who read the saying "potato, potato" have got to be confused as
fuck
	―MystifyTT, Apr 2016
%
Teenagers drive like they have limited time & old people drive like they
have all the time in the world.
	―lizee_helene, Aug 2014
%
Jesus got boners.
	―risa_23, Jul 2015
%
Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned.
	―HearMeRoar92, Aug 2015
%
If I was a stripper I would call myself The Ogre, because I grind men's bones
to make my bread.
	―christballs, Jul 2015
%
Anti smoking campaigns should just advertise 'Cigarettes don't even get you
high'
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
If "gay" was always used in its original meaning, a guy having sex with a girl
would probably be pretty gay.
	―BewareTheCreeper, Jun 2016
%
The term 'monopoly' consists of two words that are the complete opposite of
each other.
	―hob_knob, Oct 2016
%
The price of gumballs from gumball machines has been remarkably stable in the
face of inflation.
	―morthrow, Jan 2016
%
If "4:20 blaze it" is a common time to smoke, why isn't high noon a thing?
	―TheGreatPenguino, Apr 2016
%
When I pass a "Student Driver" I always wonder if I'm being used as an
example.
	―S-Aint, May 2016
%
If Yoda quotes himself, does his sentence structure become normal?
	―BrawlinStalin, Jan 2016
%
It's easier to understand someone who's waaaay smarter than you than someone
who is just trying to sound smart
	―DunceMSTRFLX, Sep 2016
%
Veins are like silly straws for vampires
	―I_says_to_Mabel, Jun 2014
%
You seldom realize how much you took for grated a good keyboard until oe of
the letters stops workig
	―ReauCoCo, Jul 2015
%
The word ''swims'' is the same upside down
	―RitoFreak, Dec 2015
%
The label on my towel says "Wash before use" - this could apply to either me
or the towel.
	―RoonilaWazlib, Aug 2013
%
If you don't sin Jesus died for nothing.
	―Weshaven, Jun 2015
%
If the oldest person on earth is 116 years old, then 117 years ago, there was
a completely different set of human beings on earth.
	―VolpRS, Jul 2015
%
I'm nobody now, but if I went back in time 500 years, I'd be the smartest man
in the world, emperors and generals would kill to have a conversation with
me. If I went into the future 500 years, historians and academics would fight
over having me in their company.
	―harmonicamike, Apr 2013
%
"Ladies first" was probably invented by a dude who enjoyed admiring women from
behind
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
The average funeral costs bestween $7,000 - $10,000, I can't even afford to
die
	―BookerGinger, Jun 2016
%
If I'm spelling a word correctly, the predictive keyboard on my phone should
show me synonyms instead of six variants of the same word I'm currently
typing.
	―Nicetitts, Jul 2016
%
Any salad is a Caesar salad if you stab it enough times
	―911WasAPie, Aug 2016
%
A spider has made a web right overtop of my fruit fly infested compost bin. He
is almost literally spawn camping. No fair, bro.
	―DocteurTaco, Jul 2014
%
The same teachers who told me "respect your elders" were the same ones who
said "respect is earned, not given".
	―chronicallyfailed, Apr 2016
%
I may go through my whole life with an allergy without ever knowing what it is
	―Crazycraggle, Sep 2016
%
It is kind depressing to think that I used to play thousand of high quality
free flash games online, but nowadays I can barely find a free phone game that
isn't filled with ads or try to shove microtransactions.
	―Mr_Ivysaur, Oct 2016
%
What if selfies were just a fad created so that the NSA could get as many
faces on file for facial recognition technology
	―HUMAN_BLENDER, Jul 2015
%
NSFW Porn has probably helped reduce the rate of teen pregnancies by
popularizing external ejaculation.
	―dablueloon, Nov 2015
%
A thousand seconds ago, I was on Reddit. A million seconds ago, I was at work
last week. A billion seconds ago, I was in 7th grade. A trillion seconds ago,
Neanderthals roamed the earth.
	―Prooffread3r, Dec 2015
%
I live the same way I play RPGs, I ignore the main questline and mess around
doing side quests
	―platypus_stalker, Jul 2016
%
What if time travel gets invented so far away in time that our time is a spec
that no one has a reason to travel to?
	―kindboi, Apr 2016
%
Reddit is like Facebook if all your friends were interesting.
	―sanc0153, Jul 2016
%
The reason "cheaters never win" is because the cheaters that did win didn't
get caught.
	―jacki123, Oct 2016
%
Washers and dryers have been on top of each other for awhile now, but I've
never seen a washer that utilized gravity to automatically drop wet clothes
into the dryer.
	―j_strange88, Aug 2016
%
If a website stored my incorrect password attempts, they could get passwords
to most of my accounts.
	―[deleted], Sep 2016
%
If a commercial annoys me, I'll go out of my way to avoid using the product.
	―Death2Leviathan, Oct 2016
%
Rockstar shouldnt ban GTA V players for using money hacks, because the game is
entirely about gaining money unfairly.
	―LetUsExplore, May 2015
%
I want to see a Star Wars where the light side is a giant fascist empire that
preaches lack of individual thought and complete lack of emotion, and the dark
side is a small pocket of resistance who value the existence of intense
emotions, including recognizing the necessity of grief and sadness.
	―FrancisCastiglione12, Dec 2015
%
Google should collect roadkill statistics just like traffic data and create a
map overlay that tells you where high risk areas of encountering animals on
the road exist.
	―Pitchfork_Wholesaler, Sep 2014
%
In modern society, the best way to not leave a paper trail, is by actually
writing something down on paper.
	―GeronimoJak, Oct 2015
%
The best way to insult a hipster is to tell them they look like somebody else
you know.
	―beeeeen, Sep 2016
%
That's why my code isn't working!
	―FAcup, Aug 2015
%
We live in a world where "the Dr. Oz show" is taken seriously, and "Adam Ruins
Everything" is just a comedy.
	―87Alpha1, Sep 2016
%
Humans will suck dick and eat assholes but are hesitant to eat a browning
banana.
	―smell_it, Aug 2015
%
Have you noticed how guys always shake their gas pistol when they are finished
and women don't?
	―YayaJax, Sep 2015
%
I’m so glad I was born just before the time when all of my embarrassing
childhood videos would have been stored on the Internet.
	―trance_lovers, Jul 2016
%
If you fail at suicide, you succeed at life.
	―CoStCo19, Nov 2013
%
If we made everyone drive stick it'd probably put a huge dent on texting while
driving.
	―bone-dry, Jan 2015
%
I've seen my face constantly for 21 years and yet how I picture myself in my
head and how I look in a mirror are always slightly different.
	―funtimegotime, Jul 2016
%
A hug between girls is like a high five for boobs.
	―samisbond, Apr 2014
%
One day I will unknowingly buy a lifetime supply of bananas.
	―kennyulls, Jul 2015
%
Ashtray is just Pig Latin for Trash.
	―TooTallForPony, Aug 2015
%
One day you will close Reddit, and never open it again.
	―Tom_And_Jerry, Apr 2016
%
If there was an award for the most humble person on the planet, nobody would
ever accept it.
	―ReflexAB, Oct 2014
%
I've learned more from YouTube and Wikipedia than I have from my $80K
education
	―ShartNSniff, Dec 2014
%
The better you look in clothes, the more people want to take them off
	―Vaginer69420, Oct 2015
%
Netflix asking if you are still watching the show is a lot like a bartender
trying to cut you off while drinking.
	―Brenvol, Mar 2016
%
People don't get crankier as they age - they just become less tolerant of
other people's shit.
	―regularpizza, Oct 2015
%
Anti-vaccination people are more afraid of living with a kid with autism than
they are of losing their child from an illness.
	―Decobran, Feb 2015
%
Every single person on earth has a hidden talent they probably dont even know
theyve got because their life hasnt led them down a path where theyve found
out the could do it
	―KnuckleSandwich23, Nov 2015
%
We're about 24 hours away from a new batch of idiots hurting themselves with
fireworks gifs.
	―fixalated, Jul 2016
%
These clown sightings weren't an issue when Harambe was alive....
	―DramaticBootyBump, Oct 2016
%
The Wizard of Oz is the most 'chick flick' movie ever: Its about two women
fighting over a pair of shoes.
	―kim-jong-skillz, Jul 2014
%
Toilets are perfectly designed to act as fart amplifiers
	―Theeocene, Jan 2016
%
YouTube should take down every prank video and channel on April 1st, then put
them back up again 24 hours later with a sign that simply says, "it's just a
prank, bro."
	―htepO, Mar 2016
%
My grandmother is 93 years old, which means she has been alive for both the
production of the Model T Ford, and the use of driverless cars.
	―mikesbullseye, Feb 2016
%
If dogs really can sense evil, maybe all those tragedies where pit bulls kill
infants are just the dog stopping a future serial killer before it's too late.
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
Buy 1 pizza and feed yourself for a day, but buy two pizzas and feed yourself
for a day.
	―xDAYMANx, Oct 2015
%
If you did something "like a boss", then you probably just paid someone to do
it.
	―ThatLonelyAstronaut, Aug 2016
%
I wonder how many people within a 5 mile radius of me are orgasming right now
	―zazzy440, Dec 2015
%
I hope I'm nowhere near a vibrator factory when the machines decide to rise up
against the humans.
	―Loudsilences, Jul 2016
%
I'm more critical of someone who treats an animal poorly than I am of someone
who treats another person poorly.
	―dreterran, Oct 2016
%
Eating is killing animals and absorbing their power.
	―Danisnotonavan, Jul 2013
%
If you went to college to learn how to make dog food and your dog ate your
homework, you'd get an A.
	―wowurdumb, Sep 2014
%
the first infected zombie attacks you and you murder it in self defense. there
are no witnesses. you are arrested for murder in the first degree. you live
the rest of your life in a prison cell knowing you saved humanity, but
everyone else thinks you're crazy.
	―SaferThanATubeSock, Feb 2015
%
If Facebook had a dislike button, teen suicide rates would skyrocket.
	―GnarlyBellyButton69, Aug 2015
%
The reason why Mickey Mouse has a pet dog (Pluto) is to keep cats away
	―wannaswim, Sep 2015
%
Why not make every bathroom unisex, with 100% private stalls instead of
building two sets of bathrooms with stalls and/or urinals.
	―Tekki, May 2016
%
Wouldn't it be nice if car horns had multiple honk types (gentle to get
attention, a hello honk, the necessary fuck you honk, etc)? Emotihonks?
	―pantsoff, Aug 2016
%
In about 50 years, Zero-G will be an online porn category.
	―palmermenken, Aug 2016
%
A gallon of gas is less expensive than guacamole from Chipotle.
	―jewrdan, Jan 2015
%
The last human won't get a funeral
	―shparty, Sep 2016
%
A fish tank is the opposite of a submarine.
	―Lelldorin, Dec 2015
%
Reddit is both a place of extreme beauty, generosity and wonder while also
being a forum for grotesque filth, depraved thoughts and pornography. It is a
perfect representation of humanity.
	―MrMallow, Dec 2014
%
If you're ever in a zombie apocalypse, it's better to be in a building with
all "pull", not "push" doors.
	―jou13, Jan 2015
%
I know more about WWII, which happened 50 years before I was born, than I do
about the war Iraq War, which happened while I was alive
	―joeykip, Mar 2015
%
At the end of my life one of my legs will have walked further than the other
but I will never know which one.
	―canntstopmeow, Jun 2016
%
If we ever come in contact with aliens I feel like we're just gonna eventually
ask each other what the fuck is going on. Like being lost in a labyrinth and
finding somebody just as lost.
	―EthniK_ElectriK, Aug 2016
%
I'm paying for school to get a job so I can get a job and pay for school
	―lmNotSorry, Sep 2016
%
If people don't recognize Clark Kent as Superman because of his glasses, does
his eye doctor know his true identity?
	―oldtobes, Aug 2013
%
It amazes me that there was a time before sandwiches.
	―taintosaurus_rex, Oct 2015
%
Sex would be really gross if sperm were big enough to see
	―Man_savage, Jul 2016
%
You never truly appreciate an unblocked nose until you develop a cold and
can't breathe through your nose
	―theendofblue, Jun 2016
%
If planet Earth is in fact the third planet from the Sun does that mean every
country is a third-world country?
	―LiteSh0w, Jul 2013
%
Is an ejaculating penis a fountain of youth?
	―Rorshock, Oct 2014
%
If everyone were blind, racial slurs would all be about how people sound.
	―KubrickIsMyCopilot, May 2016
%
Daddy Long Legs is a really pimp name for a spider
	―20WaysToEatASandwich, Jun 2016
%
All terms and conditions should be required to provide a tl;dr
	―BuddyEndsleigh, Jul 2016
%
I wish the NSFW tags had tags; there's a big difference between titties and
heads falling off.
	―Frostasauruss, Aug 2016
%
The woman I am most likely interested in isn't at bars or meetup, but at home
watching Netflix, and there's no way I'll ever meet her.
	―iHarshil, Oct 2016
%
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game
	―autoadmit, Apr 2015
%
Naming a dolphin "Flipper" is like naming your kid "Arm"
	―Humdrumhum, Mar 2016
%
Handcuffing a deaf person infringes upon their 1st Amendment rights.
	―allute, Mar 2015
%
If Alvin & The Chipmunks 4 is brave enough to release the same day as Star
Wars VII: The Force Awakens, you're brave enough to ask your crush out.
	―darkknifes, Dec 2015
%
Californians don't dress like 1840s gold miners. Virginians don't wear
powdered wigs like their ancestors. Floridians don't dress like
Conquistadors. So why do Texans dress like cowboys?
	―KubrickIsMyCopilot, Sep 2014
%
The Reddit front page is the Millenial's "morning paper."
	―meemeebozip, Nov 2014
%
Stephen hawking is the result of god min / maxing a character
	―leafynospleens, Jun 2015
%
I wonder how many numbers between 1-1,000,000 I've never heard
	―Drewskeeh, Aug 2016
%
Since the simpsons first aired I've gone from Barts age to Homers age
	―vanmutt, Sep 2016
%
Whenever a famous person dies, someone goes through their entry on Wikipedia
and changes every "is" into a "was"
	―cortexstack, Oct 2013
%
IMDB needs a filter search results by "available on Netflix" option
	―smileedude, Aug 2015
%
At the end of each day, life should ask us whether we want to 'save changes'.
	―Flighterbird, Apr 2016
%
If Elon Musk really is our Tony Stark, we should trap him in a cave until he
creates a fusion reactor
	―ZMech, May 2016
%
The term YOLO is anti-Hinduism
	―JuiceBox65, Jan 2015
%
If I concentrated as much at work as I do when I shave my balls I'd be a
millionaire by now...
	―steel_city89, Apr 2016
%
In I Am Legend, a man manages to survive three years with a dog as his sole
companion but dies after merely 24 hours with a woman
	―temptemptempaccount, May 2016
%
If the Mayans had predicted 2016 as the final year instead of 2012, it would
have been pretty convincing
	―Bigbootyjudytooty2, Jul 2016
%
On the day Arnold Schwarzenegger dies the phrase "Hasta la Vista" will be said
more times than any other day in history.
	―TOMORROWS-FORECAST, Mar 2015
%
What if Leonardo DiCaprio stars as himself in a movie - where he struggles to
win an oscar...and wins an oscar for it?
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
We're the only species that pays to live on earth.
	―Belugs, Oct 2013
%
My parents told me about rotary phones. I'll tell my kids about pressing a
button three times to text a single letter.
	―heymanitspikachu, Sep 2015
%
NSFW posts actually draw my attention and curiosity rather than deterring me
from the post
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
When browsing in incognito mode, Google should autofill your search results
with all the dirty and nsfw results it refuses to do in normal mode.
	―klm1234, Mar 2016
%
Homosexuality predates Christianity, so it's actually more natural to have gay
sex than it is to worship Jesus
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
I'd find less money on the ground if I was more confident
	―cokeflu, Aug 2015
%
there's probably a thousand gay people coming out of the closet today just to
test the waters
	―actually_crazy_irl, Apr 2016
%
Instead of purple, visited links on Reddit should turn red. That way,
redditors can say that they have 'red'it.
	―Potentpotable_, Aug 2014
%
Lots of rap songs are going to sound really corny once weed is legalized
nationally.
	―raymiedubbs, Mar 2015
%
When you procrastinate you're basically telling your future self, "Fuck you,
you do it"
	―Sweepy_time, Mar 2016
%
It's always such a relief when I log on to Reddit in the morning and the top
post isn't about mass murder.
	―Cosmolution, Jul 2016
%
When my grandma says "This is my jam," she means something very different than
the girls at the club.
	―Dangermanagement, Sep 2015
%
What if the 'monster' under your bed sees you as the monster on top of the
bed, and is so terrified he keeps as still and quiet as possible.
	―Cocktupus, Jun 2016
%
The people who bitch about millenials are the same people who were responsible
for raising us.
	―GnomishProtozoa, Aug 2016
%
I buy trashbags just so I can throw them away.
	―too_if_by_see, Jul 2014
%
Ellen should give away more stuff like Oprah and rename her show Ellen de
Generous
	―Axegrinder100, Aug 2016
%
Coffee should have a caffeine percentage indicator just like alcohol
percentage in beer, wine, etc.
	―pikus_gracilens, Dec 2015
%
Al Pacino sounds more like a food modifier than a name. "I'll have the
spaghetti al pacino."
	―cubitfox, Nov 2015
%
bing.com would be a great password since no one intentionally types it
	―ginsox, Jan 2016
%
Netflix needs a “I have 30 min before I’ll fall asleep and I want to watch
something funny” category.
	―Matlock_24, Feb 2016
%
Death only exists from a 3rd person perspective.
	―mildbuzz, Dec 2014
%
The Battery % on my smart phone at the end of my work shift directly reflects
my actual work % for the day...
	―cbrown6775, Dec 2014
%
There should be movie theaters with separate bathrooms per screen and the
audio playing while you go.
	―mattypanda, Feb 2015
%
Kid Rock should change his name to Adult Country.
	―Tinkletyme, Sep 2015
%
Instead of a finale The Simpsons should just keep retiring characters as all
the voice actors die. The final episode will just be shots of an empty
Springfield.
	―macrowive, Nov 2013
%
Whatever happened to the guy who had his face eaten by the guy in Miami?
Everyone else has forgotten about him and is talking about North Korea and
stuff. But he's still walking around somewhere with half a face.
	―joec_95123, Dec 2014
%
There should be an average person running/swimming alongside the Olympic
athletes to show just how athletic these competitors are.
	―JeezusChristIII, Apr 2015
%
Wtf is salt? "Hey, throw this rock on your food and it will taste better. Also
if you don't get enough of it you'll die, and if you get too much of it you
might die too"
	―EsotericFeels, Oct 2015
%
If you're pregnant with a boy, you're growing a pair of balls
	―thop1989, May 2016
%
Smoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you’re a
procrastinator.
	―micheldeveon, Jul 2016
%
A stopped clock will be right twice a day, but a clock losing one second a
year will only be right every 43,200 years.
	―twin_tails_, Oct 2016
%
Facebook isn't a list of my friends. It's a list of people I used to know.
	―idigqui, Feb 2015
%
I wonder if my house smells as weird as everyone else's seems to.
	―DrBort, Feb 2015
%
It's weird people compare life to a roller coaster, because on a roller
coaster, the downhill parts are the most fun.
	―zoolander-, Jun 2015
%
Pandora really needs a "No live versions or remixes" option.
	―Mick0331, Mar 2016
%
Most people probably have a great fashion sense but simply aren't wealthy
enough to show it.
	―the-what-if-girl, Sep 2016
%
If oceanographers ever found a kraken, they would put it in an aquarium. Then
an animal activist group would start a mob outside with signs saying "Release
the Kraken!"
	―Samoht_Tloh, Oct 2014
%
Monday the 13th sounds worse than Friday the 13th
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
Belts are gross. They're the first thing we touch after using the toilet and
nobody ever washes them.
	―DoctorKynes, Aug 2015
%
If your name is Dick, everything you do is a dick move.
	―sh_oooo, Jan 2015
%
Cutting a corner off a piece of paper increases the number of corners it has.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
In a figurative context, the adjectives "blunt" and "to the point" have
similar meanings, but in a literal context, they are exact opposites.
	―CharlemagneAdelaar, Apr 2016
%
The penis is considered more obscene than the butt, but urine is considered
less obscene than feces.
	―MrDrProfessorWiggles, Jul 2016
%
Spiders are just web developers that are happy to find bugs
	―tacticalsword, Aug 2016
%
I posts on reddit because my real life friends don't reply as quickly as you
guys
	―babajaja, Sep 2016
%
For the next Miss USA they should add a "no makeup" and "ask her ex"
competition to spice things up.
	―d_fromsd, Jul 2015
%
Dogs probably destroy shoes because they see humans put them on before they
leave the house.
	―Superstinkyfart, May 2016
%
Girls don't really buy hair ties. They just rent them from the universe for an
undisclosed amount of time.
	―jeufie, Jun 2016
%
I wonder if the extras playing evil Stormtroopers in the upcoming Star Wars
films are all smiling under their helmets, as they get to fulfil their
childhood dreams of fighting in a Star Wars movie.
	―SassyVelociraptor, Jul 2015
%
I've been using AdBlock for more than five years; I have no idea what the
internet actually looks like.
	―spidermandrew, May 2015
%
I probably live more comfortably than kings and queens in the distant past.
	―BreatheMyStink, Aug 2016
%
When Will.I.Am dies his grave stone should say Will.I.Was
	―SauceClock, Apr 2014
%
Pockets are probably the most underrated invention ever.
	―FatGuyW, Jun 2014
%
When you "water" something you add water to it, but when you "milk" something
you take milk from it.
	―DefinitelyNotATree, Feb 2015
%
if you rob a bank you won't need to worry about bills for the next 10 years,
successful or not
	―ImpulseFlea92, Jul 2016
%
In Adam Sandler movies, the wife always has to be a total babe so decent
looking children make sense.
	―[deleted], May 2015
%
If Apple came out with a Google Glass competitor, would it be called the
iPatch?
	―dyzok, Jul 2014
%
What if after you die God asks you - "So how was heaven?"
	―_cartman_, Apr 2015
%
I wonder what it'd be like to see an album of all the photos you're
unknowingly in the background of.
	―Kclark725, May 2015
%
"Half a dozen" is a very inefficient way of saying "Six"
	―ISpikInglisVeriBest, Jun 2015
%
Lance Armstrong would have been an awesome name for a medieval jouster.
	―Atheose_Writing, Oct 2015
%
For all we know, the last human on earth might already have been born.
	―this_raccoon, Sep 2013
%
If I owned a copy store, I would only hire identical twins.
	―ImprovingKodiak, Aug 2014
%
If you had never heard of the boogie man before you might think he's a pretty
cool guy.
	―TacQT1me, Aug 2015
%
Asking for someone's name is just asking what noise you should make to attract
their attention
	―njlhunt14, Nov 2015
%
Looking through your iPod and choosing a song is like saying, "How do I want
my air vibrated?"
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
Some rich philanthropist should scatter seven Dragon Balls across the world
and grant whoever returns them one wish from his fortune.
	―life_manager, Jun 2015
%
Depression is like being in a stale and abusive relationship with yourself,
and wanting to break up.
	―nevernukewinter, Nov 2015
%
You know you're becoming an adult when you already own most of the needed
ingredients for a recipe.
	―hardboiledquestions, Mar 2016
%
Since Chris Pratt is playing the lead in Jurassic World, they should've just
named the movie Parks and Rex
	―McBeardyson, Jun 2015
%
People who know what 'Ingest' means probably wouldn't eat shampoo in the first
place
	―JeffSergeant, Mar 2016
%
Only those on the fence can clearly see both sides
	―ausome_saus, May 2016
%
For most of human history, vehicles had automatic collision avoidance and
could even take you home when you were sleeping or drunk. Then we got rid of
the horse.
	―YoYoJoh, Oct 2016
%
Having the last name of Down and trying to be a police officer would make the
job highly inconvenient for your coworkers.
	―PotatoAvenger, Jan 2016
%
Guys think girls dress up for them, but really, girls dress to impress other
girls. Guys work out and think it'll impress girls, but mostly impress other
dudes that work out.
	―LargeWhale, Sep 2016
%
/r/AnimalPorn would be a great but horrible name for /r/aww
	―AlphaApache, Feb 2015
%
Not only does 12+1=11+2, but the letters "twelve plus one" rearrange to give
you "eleven plus two"
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
In 99% of cases I will actually go out of my way to avoid a particular
company/product if I'm continuously bombarded with their ads on social media.
	―forty2wallabyway, Oct 2016
%
Making the " ~ " tilde key the official punctuation used for written sarcasm
would prevent a lot of misunderstandings.
	―Boolyman, Jun 2015
%
What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady but we'll never know because he
can't stand up
	―OneEyedKing17, Oct 2015
%
Be skeptical. Tomorrow will be April Fools Day, so you should be wary of news
reports because many will be lies intended to trick you. You should also be
wary of news reports on the other 364 days because many will be lies intended
to trick you.
	―butt_heads, Mar 2016
%
My girlfriend and I broke up on July 5th. I had two independence days back to
back.
	―PM_ME_UR_ASIAN_BODY, Jul 2016
%
Today is today's birthday.
	―Vexal_, Apr 2015
%
People who've read all the Game of Thrones books are better at keeping secrets
then most governments.
	―the3rdck, Apr 2015
%
Do you remember the Shower thought that said that your future self is watching
you right now through memories? If you do, it just came true.
	―i_have_no_time, Sep 2015
%
Major disappointment for a teen: not being invited to a party. Major
disappointment for an adult: being invited to a party.
	―Deray22, Oct 2016
%
Refrigerators should be clear so you can see inside without opening the door
	―Uclydde, Jun 2015
%
There is a family of bears that is obsessed with wiping their asses and it is
known as "advertising".
	―Spotunclesammy, Feb 2016
%
There should be an email setting that allows you to set a value (lets say 50)
and if you don't open an email that many times in a row it will automatically
unsubscribe you from it.
	―Nyxtia, Apr 2016
%
You know how you can tap on YouTube videos to see how much time is left? I
wish I could do that when some people talk
	―NSA_GOV, Sep 2016
%
What if Lucifer is still God's best angel and he is just fulfilling a duty no
one else wanted to?
	―Poof_Wonder, Oct 2016
%
The ultimate goal of a good dating app is to be deleted.
	―notamypascal, Oct 2016
%
I should secretly learn a foreign language so that on the off chance I have
brain surgery, I can freak people out when I wake up by only speaking it
instead of English.
	―CanadianDaryl, Mar 2015
%
What I like about reddit is that you can be a 18 year old nobody and still
talk with some stranger that can be highly skilled in his/hers field - in
reality you wouldn't be able to have such casual conversations
	―sistasvangenHOKARANG, Jan 2016
%
I get paid to work. I use the money to buy gym membership. The only reason I
go to the gym is to get laid. I'm paying for sex
	―Cameltitties, Aug 2016
%
I have won as many Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio.
	―porchguitar, Aug 2013
%
My phone's response to a low battery is to vibrate, turn the screen on, show a
visual warning and chime loudly. This seems counter-productive.
	―htid85, Nov 2015
%
You know what'd be really cool? If someone took all of the top /r/earthporn
posts and plotted them on a map
	―PM_your_linguini, May 2016
%
If you dig into Mars' soil, are you unearthing something or unmarsing
something?
	―kastskyrr, Aug 2016
%
Google maps should have a "home town" option that starts directions from the
nearest major intersection, and doesn't waste time telling me how to get out
of my own neighborhood.
	―notBrit, Feb 2015
%
It takes longer to say "www." than "world wide web."
	―thelirivalley, Nov 2013
%
What if the saying "money doesn't grow on trees" was invented by rich people
so we don't find their money trees?
	―ChiefBigwilly, Sep 2015
%
Someone taking down a "missing person" sign can either be really good or
really bad.
	―EastLight, Jul 2016
%
When Woody shook the magic 8 ball in Toy Story, was it self-aware like the
other toys, and consciously generating a response?
	―PeterPorky, Jun 2014
%
Today's date is palindrome. 5-10-2015.
	―The-SpaceGuy, Oct 2015
%
If you step on people's feet,they will open their mouth just like trash bins.
	―Muzammil11, May 2016
%
The movie theater might be the only place where free WiFi would be looked down
upon.
	―BasedRib, Jun 2016
%
If something "goes downhill" it means it worsened, but if we say things are
going to go "uphill" that means it's going to get harder. There's no winning
when it comes to hills.
	―[deleted], Jun 2013
%
There are too many people thinkng about Obama when they're in the shower.
	―DoctorCrook, Dec 2013
%
$1000 worth of Coke is worse for you than $1000 worth of coke.
	―stactup, Sep 2014
%
Spiderman would be way less cool if he wasn’t living in a city full of
skyscrapers.
	―Stephen_Harold, Sep 2016
%
No one ever seems to say, "You win some, you lose some" when you win some.
	―Ikrela, Mar 2016
%
If I put something in the refrigerator the first time am I just frigerating
it?
	―lordofkingdom, Oct 2016
%
Redbox should team up with pizza shops so that we can get a movie delivered
with our pizza
	―Nohbdysays, Sep 2014
%
I wonder if my dogs think the delivery people are my owners because they give
me food.
	―xakryn, Apr 2016
%
Spotify should add a feature that keeps track of skips vs. plays to me know
what songs I should delete from my music or playlists.
	―104101110114121, Sep 2016
%
Of course the DEA doesn't want the status of marijuana to change; they would
lose their easiest cash cow.
	―micwillia, Aug 2016
%
The only difference between manslaughter and mans laughter is a little space.
	―misterpickles69, Feb 2014
%
Since Britain's new £5 note is washable, you can now launder money without
being arrested for it.
	―MCsqu4red, Sep 2016
%
I'm intelligent enough to realise that I'm not very intelligent at all.
	―lackint, Jul 2015
%
It always seems as if the designers of dishwasher racks have never loaded a
dishwasher themselves
	―fusterclux, Dec 2015
%
The Pope's probably glad he gets to name himself. If the public named the Pope
we'd probably end up with Popey McPopeface I.
	―Art_Thendelay, May 2016
%
If you see a male praying mantis, he is a virgin...
	―MarieGoneGoth-ish, Sep 2015
%
Medusa would be way less dangerous if she had huge boobs
	―shitstainjefferson, Oct 2015
%
Jedi always bring a knife to a gun fight.
	―GiggleFats, Oct 2015
%
People often credit the CIA or MI6 as being the best intelligence agencies,
but we likely have never heard of the best intelligence agency
	―CameraManShotFirst, Apr 2016
%
the blood in your anus is the same blood that goes through your tongue
	―[deleted], Nov 2013
%
I woke up this morning at 4:04am and couldn't fall back asleep. I had a 404:
Sleep Not Found.
	―MyLifeForAnEType, Dec 2013
%
If we had a dollar for every speculative year that the universe has existed we
still couldn't pay off the U.S. National Debt.
	―[deleted], Sep 2014
%
The best part about being in a relationship with a very picky person is
knowing that, at least in one thing, you are good enough.
	―rreighe2, Oct 2014
%
Not watching episodes of a series on Netflix without my girlfriend is the
modern day version of chivalry.
	―peterreis, Feb 2016
%
Police sirens should be illegal on the radio
	―Rick_Flames, Jul 2016
%
I don't actually dislike ads, I just dislike seeing the same ad, over and
over, on every damn internet video I watch.
	―applejackisbestpony, Oct 2016
%
Whenever I see a typo, I always look at the keyboard to see if the wrong
letter is close to the letter that should have been used
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
The only thing destroying reddit right now is the lack of anything actually
funny or interesting making it to the front page.
	―SebNat, Jun 2015
%
The symbol of Christianity was a torture device. The Nazi symbol meant peace.
	―Shadrach_Jones, Mar 2016
%
If Hilary Clinton gets elected President, she'll work every day in the room
where her husband had an affair.
	―I_Gets_The_Reference, Oct 2014
%
Powerball odds are about 1 in 290,000,000. The odds that you beat out all the
other sperm cells to fertilize your mothers egg is about 1 in 250,000,000. All
of us have already won the powerball by simply existing.
	―mathguy8288, Jan 2016
%
If Redtube wasn't a thing, Youtube Red would be named Redtube
	―ScourgeOfTheOcean, Jul 2016
%
Being a reckless driver is bad, but being a wreckless driver is good.
	―synonymous_with, Jun 2014
%
Eventually once all phones are waterproof we'll be able to push people into
pools again
	―whiteandy94, Sep 2016
%
Pick-up artists and garbage men should switch names
	―youcancallmealsdkf, Jun 2016
%
I'm 25 years old and I am still not used to being referred to as a 'man'
	―neilddd, Jun 2016
%
The most tragic victims of irony are that trees were cut down to make copies
of The Lorax.
	―__Corvus__, Jul 2016
%
These naked humans keep getting inside me.
	―ReckoningGotham, Jan 2014
%
Why should i go to someones funeral when I know for a fact that they will not
go to mine?
	―drybonespwns, Jun 2015
%
People in 1995 would be really impressed by our technology today, but people
in the 1950's would be really unimpressed because of their idea of the future.
	―willj5784, Nov 2015
%
Future Me is constantly fucked over by Present Me, who should have learned
after being fucked over by Past Me
	―Imbusyyoudick, Feb 2016
%
Virtual reality porn is going to cause a major increase of people getting
caught masturbating.
	―Swichts, Feb 2016
%
There are so many Asians in the world and I never see pregnant Asian ladies.
	―OGNicko, Jun 2013
%
A blind person must have a really low electricity bill.
	―aspophilia, Jan 2016
%
I've never read a science article that says an animal is dumber than we
previously thought.
	―snipawolf, Aug 2016
%
I feel like Frodo would have some serious PTSD picking out an engagement ring.
	―useless_uterus, Aug 2015
%
As adults, we are just trying to return to the days of our early childhood. We
want to eat when we are hungry, sleep when we are tired, play when we are
bored, never have to worry about money, and be loved unconditionally.
	―The_Lightkeeper, Feb 2016
%
If I drove it like I stole it, I would abide by every law to not get noticed.
	―RoboCooter, Jun 2016
%
My legacy to the world will probably be a bunch of comments I left in forums
buried forever on the internet.
	―Chuntzy, Mar 2016
%
When you get an uncomfortable boner and have to shift it's position, you're
adjusting for inflation.
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
As a gay guy, other gay guys are both potential romantic rivals and targets at
the same time.
	―Dr_Heron, Jun 2015
%
Instead of giving mass killers/rapists news coverage and nicknames that they
want we should give them ridiculous names like "Gayboi Gacy" "Baby dick Bundy"
"Rat Face Ramirez"
	―Jackielegz8689, Jan 2016
%
Coffee cake is named because it is eaten with coffee. By this logic, French
fries should be called "burger sticks."
	―Ovitz, Feb 2016
%
If your Tesla car gets soaked by a flood, you should park it in a bag of rice
overnight.
	―frowawayduh, Oct 2016
%
If a woman has preference for tall men, that's OK. If a man has a preference
for Asian women, he has a "fetish."
	―dunkindoughnuts2016, Oct 2016
%
Vampires are intelligent but to kill them you destroy their heart, zombies are
mindless but to kill them you destroy their brain.
	―badgerteacher, Jul 2014
%
If I decide not to have kids, I will single-handedly be responsible for
ruining a 3.5 billion year streak of reproduction.
	―Zombrer0, Mar 2015
%
My internet bill is basically a subscription fee for all of those "free" porn
websites
	―SassManDo, Jan 2016
%
There should be a browser extension that changed famous names to "woman",
"guy" or "human" to show how useless and ridiculous celebrity news is
	―magicsebi, Jan 2016
%
If watermelon exists, why can't firemelon, earthmelon and windmelon? ... The
elemelons.
	―Halfwombat, Apr 2015
%
Does anyone else walk into a building and think, 'this place is defensible in
a zombie apocalypse'?
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
Harry Potter would have been amazing if each book got a season in a Netflix
series.
	―keunie, Oct 2016
%
The CEO of Amazon should change his title to 'Prime Minister'
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
The inventor of the computer had to make it without using a computer.
	―TractorMcTractor, Sep 2016
%
I feel bad for Justin Bieber. He has been to every Justin Bieber concert.
	―Psylent0, Oct 2016
%
For someone, somewhere in America, today is the last day they'll wake up with
all 10 fingers.
	―viral_virus, Jul 2015
%
If 666 is evil, does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?
	―SouledMonk, Jan 2016
%
Whenever you paint the walls of a room, the room gets smaller, slightly.
	―StackShitThatHigh, Jul 2013
%
Cold war reenactments are a lot easier All you have to do is sit around and
look worried about Russia.
	―flabbytoad, Feb 2015
%
If I select text in Word, I should be able to capitalize all of it by hitting
caps lock, or put it all in quotes by hitting the quotation mark
	―awinnie, Nov 2015
%
My dog probably thinks that every time I step outside without her, I just walk
around the block for hours on end.
	―magrippalfcos, Mar 2016
%
"Do not insert Q-tip into ear canal," may be the all-time most ignored product
warning in history.
	―MattSolo734, Mar 2016
%
If a clock is broken, it will display the exact time twice a day. If it's
working, it probably won't ever show the true time.
	―Jhacker111, May 2014
%
If I knew I was going to die soon, it would be funny to put up a huge collage
wall in my bedroom of newspaper clippings relating to an unsolved string of
murders.
	―Givemeanegg, Jul 2016
%
There should be a smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I"m just
cooking"
	―Otalgia, Jul 2016
%
Santa is a dick for letting Rudolph be treated like crap until he became
"useful."
	―FiveGuysAlive, Dec 2014
%
If R2-D2 was carrying the plans for the death star inside of him, why did he
need to jack into their system to find where to shut off the tractor beam?
	―DeedSic, Jan 2015
%
There's no better alarm clock than a dog preparing to puke on the carpet.
	―rawkus2g, Dec 2015
%
Every time you smell a flower, you are sniffing it's genitals
	―poopscratch, Dec 2015
%
People in the future will retire to play video games instead of golf.
	―winterbourne, Sep 2016
%
It's amazing how often "Can I help you?" really means "You look
suspicious. Who are you and what are you doing here?"
	―dommeursault, Aug 2015
%
When you die without children, you're the first of millions of ancestors to
not reproduce.
	―what_he_has_had, Oct 2016
%
People used to keep diaries, and get mad when anyone read them. Now we post
stuff online, and get mad when people DON'T read it.
	―TheOneTrueCripple, Feb 2015
%
Losing ten pounds is great in the US and sucks in the UK.
	―Salchonic, May 2016
%
The parental guidance feature on IMDB is for parents to see if the movie is
suitable for their children, I use it to see if its suitable for me to watch
with my parents
	―octopish, Jan 2015
%
If baby humans and animals look so cute to keep us from caring how annoying
and needy they are and not kill them, I wonder if blind people are more prone
to just drop kicking a crying infant.
	―Fanshelpmesleep, Nov 2015
%
It's genius of Apple and the FBI to pretend that the feds don't already have
complete access to everyone's iPhones.
	―punkstyle, Feb 2016
%
When we finally invented a three-dimensional mode of transport, we named it a
"plane"
	―GetItReich, May 2016
%
Apple should invent something like a cord that ties AirPods to iPhones so that
they don't get lost.
	―Eesa_, Sep 2016
%
Cups are only designed for use within a strong gravitational field.
	―ShamusTheClown, Sep 2014
%
Today, Hannah Montana would be Miley Cyrus' mild-mannered alter ego.
	―Redmonkey292, Sep 2015
%
I prefer random Redditors to facebook friends I know.
	―Famixofpower, Jun 2016
%
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts, Mr Alien
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
I live alone with a cat. The most used word in my home is probably "meow".
	―-Xtopher-, Feb 2016
%
In the DC Universe, there are probably a lot of authentic batarangs being sold
on eBay.
	―TheDivided, May 2016
%
"Hair" refers to a whole head of hair, while "hairs" refer to just a few
individual hairs. "Hairs" is a plural that actually means LESS than its
singular form!
	―gmsc, Jul 2013
%
I live in a society where it's socially acceptable to say "I'm so hungry I
could eat a horse", but it's not actually socially acceptable to eat a horse.
	―Serendippity18, Oct 2014
%
"Dumpling" sounds like what you would call a tiny shit
	―Cr0w33, Oct 2015
%
As a man, the less attracted I am to a woman I'm having sex with, the longer I
last with her and the more I'm able to please her.
	―SnowGryphon, Jan 2016
%
Only people that are organ donors should be allowed to receive organs in the
event that they need one. That would be the most fair way, and more people
would agree to be the organ donor.
	―okiedokiereddit, Mar 2015
%
If a three year old says ELI5, he's just being cocky.
	―dunaan, Dec 2014
%
Gagging during a blowjob is really a romantic sound, think about it. Someone
is choosing your dick over the oxygen they need to survive, that really warms
my heart.
	―p3riod, Jan 2015
%
Band aid packages should be engineered to be opened with one hand as in most
cases you will only have one hand free
	―5T0H3L1T, Aug 2015
%
If cannibalism was socially accepted, saying "I'm in the mood for Chinese"
would have a completely different meaning.
	―fuathan, Dec 2015
%
I'm permanently logged in to facebook, gmail &c. because I know I'm the
only one who uses my computer, but I still watch porn in incognito mode in
case someone goes on my computer and looks at my browser history.
	―TheCatcherOfThePie, Feb 2016
%
If the world just built an island exclusively to host the Olympics it would be
safer, more cost effective, and totally bad ass.
	―3partharold, Aug 2016
%
0 AD was just over 2000 years ago. That's only about 30 modern lifetimes laid
back-to-back.
	―eigenpants, Dec 2013
%
Sometimes when im naked infront of the mirror i think to myself... I've jerked
that guy off.
	―BrucePee, Mar 2015
%
Religious wars are basically extreme versions of comic fanboys fighting over
which fictional superhero is stronger
	―WrexEverything, May 2015
%
The letters in the alphabet after O and P are just O and P but with their
dicks out
	―[deleted], Aug 2015
%
There is a whole number that exists so large that just to speak it would take
you your entire lifetime.
	―mrhickey, Jun 2016
%
At one point in my life I shifted from using my weekdays to recover from my
weekend to using my weekend to recover from my week.
	―smileedude, Jul 2016
%
A lot of innocent chefs in Medieval times must have been executed because the
King's food taster had allergies, which they wouldn't have understood.
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
It takes 2 seconds to pick up a penny. That's technically $18 an hour. More
than I make at work.
	―gohamstergo, Jan 2015
%
I've started letting spiders live so they can kill the bugs in my house, and
now I'm leaving bugs alone so my spiders have something to eat.
	―overly-dull, Aug 2016
%
There are 1.2 billion cars on the road right now. One of our biggest goals is
to keep them from touching.
	―bikerdudend, Jul 2016
%
We admire hair when its on someone's head but the second it is no longer
attached to the head it becomes gross.
	―blueandred98cole, Aug 2016
%
I've literally broken enough minor laws that if fully punished I would spend
the rest of my life in jail, but I've never even been arrested.
	―Kevlar___, Sep 2016
%
If I lost at Russian Roulette I wouldn't even know
	―golfwang86, Jul 2014
%
Mark Hamill plays The Joker, who is in Arkham, and "Arkham" is also in Mark
Hamill, the Joker. (M-Arkham-ill)
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
If our buttcracks were horizontal they'd clap when we climbed stairs.
	―nobedtime12, Sep 2016
%
what if radiation in space was designed so human's can't explore? Like in a
video game when you are outside the map you die?
	―surfe, Aug 2014
%
Nip slips would be a lot better if they were called peek-a-boobs
	―usnij, Oct 2014
%
Cats were the first animal to dominate the internet because everyone with dogs
were outside playing with them
	―StarburstGirl, Jul 2015
%
When self driving cars become popular, drunk driving could mean waking up in a
completely different city or even country because you drunkenly told your car
to take you somewhere.
	―ZanderDogz, Oct 2015
%
If marijuana and prostitution both become legal across the US, I could open a
combination fueling station, brothel, and dispensary called "The Gas, Ass, and
Grass Station".
	―izolalozi, Dec 2015
%
If I was a Gotham socialite I would have long since stopped going to benefits
and fundraisers out of fear of being gassed, frozen, or tied up.
	―victory_screech, Jun 2016
%
As marijuana is legalized, someone is going to be the last person jailed for
selling pot.
	―dsyzdek, Mar 2015
%
Neil A. backwards is "Alien", and he was the first human alien on another
celestial body...
	―madmacaw, May 2016
%
On April Fools Day, Brazzers should make a video where a hot male plumber goes
to a sorority house and fixes the toilet and leaves normally
	―nhooyr, Sep 2016
%
The surface of the Moon resembles the front yard of a redneck; complete with
an old car, random junk and an American flag
	―cujo8400, Oct 2016
%
Lorde should dress up as Randy Marsh for Halloween, then post a picture on
Instagram saying she decided to not wear a costume and dress casual for the
night.
	―trelobrandi3, Oct 2016
%
Technically, Everything on Reddit is NSFW as you probably shouldn't be on
Reddit at Work.
	―matthewgoodi5, Sep 2015
%
As a kid I hated my common, boring name. Today, I love that no one can Google
me.
	―Chiliad2, Sep 2015
%
Disney/Pixar movies about animals always increase sales of those breeds. They
should research the most difficult breeds for shelters to re-home and make a
movie about them.
	―Hyro0o0, Jan 2016
%
It's all fun and games until your younger sibling starts crying within earshot
of your parents
	―colbsauce, Sep 2016
%
Aren't all galaxies 'far far' away?
	―Killybug, Dec 2014
%
The trees cut down to make Jenga blocks are repeatedly forced to relive their
own death.
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
We take it for granted, but a single Dorito contains more Extreme Nacho flavor
than a fifteenth-century peasant would experience in an entire lifetime.
	―robneptune, Jun 2016
%
YouTube should have an audio-only mode for listening to music on data-capped
connections.
	―RamjacInc, Sep 2016
%
The chance to be the first murderer on mars is still open.
	―Invicta_Game, Mar 2015
%
Girls wear makeup to look older. Women wear makeup to look younger.
	―morfean, Sep 2015
%
Diabetes sounds like the name of a mythological Greek hero.
	―clockrunner, Jan 2016
%
Showerthoughts are caused by not having contact with any electronics, books,
or people for ~30 minutes.
	―dip-shit, Jul 2013
%
all flashlights should have a glow-in-the-dark band on them so you can find
them when you need a flashlight
	―Chase_Walker, Jun 2016
%
When marijuana is legal people will say 4/20 is just another commercialized
holiday.
	―jhonroot, Jun 2016
%
"Textbook" is a pretty meaningless way to differentiate a type of book.
	―DietOfTheMind, Oct 2016
%
There are millions and millions of websites out there, and I think I use about
six of them
	―popdisaster00, Apr 2015
%
Thieves should carry handheld vacuums to scare away guard dogs
	―WilliamHTaft, Jun 2016
%
Fire trucks are actually water trucks.
	―me_suds, Aug 2015
%
Authors probably don't even intend half of the symbolism and "deeper meaning"
that you have to find in literature classes
	―sherry497, Oct 2016
%
Reddit and 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' should have the same slogan: "Where
everything is made up and the points don't matter"
	―Zach_Morris_Phone, Mar 2015
%
100 years from now, 'doing the robot' will have an entirely different meaning.
	―TheGilberator, Oct 2015
%
Walter White did a better job of getting rid of drug dealers than Hank.
	―Horseome, Dec 2015
%
If Will Smith wins an Oscar next year people will say it's because his wife
protested. If he doesn't win an Oscar people will say it's because his wife
protested. Either way he will never again receive full credit for his acting.
	―LostSoulNAFishBowl, Mar 2016
%
My Xbox Live gamertag is older than some of the people I play with over Xbox
Live.
	―gmurz, Jun 2016
%
Netflix should have a binge watching option that skips the intro if you're
intent on spending a weekend watching every single episode of Doctor Who.
	―Naa2078, Oct 2014
%
Google should mess with us by always making the link to the déjà vu Wikipedia
page purple
	―SUFC1889, Mar 2015
%
Saying "um" is the human equivalent to buffering.
	―xTheRedKnightx, Mar 2015
%
There should be a dating site called netflix and chill, and people are only
matched by how similar their netflix accounts are.
	―sbaker93, Oct 2015
%
If I had the same mental clarity as I do at night all day long, I would be a
very successful person
	―somemadkid, Apr 2016
%
They should call the big boxes of condoms the ANTI-Family pack.
	―justiceT, Aug 2014
%
How did a guy with a name like 'Magic Johnson' wind up an athlete and not a
porn star?
	―[deleted], Jan 2014
%
"You can say that again!" and "You don't have to tell me twice!" are opposites
but mean the same thing.
	―Phantom_Gamer7, Mar 2016
%
Apple sauce is just baby food that is socially acceptable for everyone to eat
	―ConGargan, Mar 2014
%
Millions of people who used Ashley Madison are angry right now that their
trust was betrayed
	―callddit, Aug 2015
%
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
	―Searchlights, Sep 2015
%
What if the asteroid that hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs was a UFO
.. and we're the aliens
	―ashleymc, Mar 2013
%
If Hillary Clinton becomes president, she'll sit at the same desk Bill sat
while he and Monica Lewinsky had an affair.
	―PM_Tits_For_FunFacts, May 2015
%
"If you resolve to give up bacon, you don't actually live longer; it just
seems longer."
	―siscri, Oct 2015
%
Girls always say they appreciate the little things in life, until you whip out
your little penis.
	―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016
%
A good slogan for a condom company would be "come prepared"
	―thatsnomoon87, May 2014
%
Maybe a hot chocolate wants to be called beautiful chocolate just one time.
	―BundyWA, Dec 2014
%
Buying a new computer online is like making your current one dig its own
grave.
	―OneThatsUnknown, Apr 2015
%
A robot we put on Mars can send high resolution images back to earth but I
can't get cell service in the mountains.
	―haydenantal, Oct 2016
%
Websites should have a "Before you reset your password, here are the stupid
rules we required in the first place" option.
	―0xyidiot, Sep 2016
%
Every orifice on a donkey is an asshole.
	―RedditFirstWorkLater, Jun 2015
%
"If its not an iPhone, it's not an iPhone." is a great slogan for Android too.
	―TitanicMan, Aug 2015
%
One of the biggest compliments a cook at home can get is "wow tastes like a
restaurant"; one of the biggest compliments a restaurant chef can get is "wow
tastes like home cooking".
	―evilpeter, Mar 2016
%
God is the most AFK admin ever
	―[deleted], Jun 2014
%
The only thing pennies are useful for is to prevent me from getting more
pennies.
	―Da___Michael, Apr 2015
%
There's probably a Shiba-Inu dog owner somewhere, who's never been on the
internet and wonders why strangers point and speak like total idiots whenever
he walks it.
	―connorb93, Apr 2015
%
Breaking Bad was an epic PSA urging us to pay educators more.
	―NervousSwagger, Mar 2016
%
ADDING "man" to "I love you" actually makes it LESS gay.
	―Tevenan, Jun 2016
%
When I was a kid, everyone wanted to be a video game tester. Now that
companies just release broken games and fix them, we all got what we wished
for.
	―Drew1231, Sep 2016
%
Because the internet wasn't around when I was in highschool. Going to a class
reunion is pretty much facing 90% of the girls face to face that I masturbated
to as a teenager.
	―roostertail420, Oct 2016
%
Smartphones should have an option to deactivate the swipe feature when showing
someone a picture.
	―JOEY2X, Jan 2015
%
I have never heard a woman narrate a movie trailer.
	―Williamjameis, Oct 2016
%
We pay money to wear advertisements for a clothing company
	―_briann, Jan 2014
%
As a cook everything I make turns to shit
	―revivethecolour, Jun 2015
%
Extremely glad that YouTube was not popular when I was a child. I would've
absolutely made some cringey, terrible shit.
	―GrandNightmare, Jul 2016
%
If I die in my sleep people will say "at least he died doing something he
loved".
	―badlydrunkboy, Aug 2016
%
We will be the last generation to have witnessed life without the Internet.
	―anantzoid, Sep 2016
%
Bras are actual booby traps.
	―mindfuckdoctor, Aug 2014
%
There are 80 million posts submitted to reddit per year, everyday 150 posts
get to frontpage. So my chance of getting this post to frontpage is about
0.07%
	―314314314, Apr 2016
%
As a kid I would have loved to have $100 in my bank account. Now as an adult I
get scared when I have $100 in my bank account.
	―bravesfan13, Jul 2016
%
When you say "forward" or "back" your lips move in that direction.
	―brevixen, Jul 2016
%
It's easier to make friends when you're a kid because you don't have any
interests yet, so you and your friends develop interests together and bond
over them. When you're an adult, you need to find people who share your
already-established interests, which is extremely difficult.
	―prezuiwf, Sep 2013
%
Every time I hear someone talk to their dog in a foreign language, my first
thought is always, "That dog can't understand you, lady."
	―grouch1980, Jan 2016
%
The person who programed the timer in automatic faucets should re-learn how to
wash their hands.
	―NotChasetipher, Aug 2016
%
I can't wait till it's the future and the kid that got into the Harambe pit
does an AMA
	―coscorrodrift, Aug 2016
%
Annoying pop-ups that ask me to turn off adblock never succeeded. Instead they
just make me stop using the site.
	―IMplyingSC2, Jul 2016
%
When you drink alcohol, both you and the alcohol get drunk.
	―see_mohn, Apr 2015
%
Elizabeth has to be the most versatile Western name. You can go by Elle,
Ellie, Liz, Lizzie, Liza, Lisa, Libby, Beth, Betty, or Betsy.
	―well-lighted, Dec 2015
%
Harry Potter fans who have only seen the movies have no idea who Peeves is.
	―DamienHanrahan, Nov 2014
%
It's quite possible that in an alternate dimension people are mysteriously
gaining an additional sock or two every time they dry their laundry.
	―[deleted], Nov 2015
%
The sounds of nature that we enjoy when we're outdoors is basically every
organism out there screaming "A/S/L?!"
	―CQReborn, May 2016
%
At one point in my life, I was exactly pi years old.
	―Sousaphoney, Jun 2015
%
When I die I want to be buried at a fat camp so if I become a zombie I can
catch a slow meal.
	―germattack3, Jun 2015
%
I've probably masturbated more times than I've been told to go fuck myself.
	―ItsOver420, Jul 2015
%
There should be a show called Finding People Finding Bigfoot. The premise of
the show would be to dress up as Bigfoot and walk around the woods trying to
get the investigators from the other show to find you.
	―RockLikeWar, Sep 2015
%
What if Kanye is naming his album Waves because he actually is a Gay Fish
	―captainamericaa, Jan 2016
%
If you're good at golf, I just assume you've had a very privileged life.
	―weaksquare, Jun 2016
%
Tooth brushing = skeleton polishing
	―calisuper, Mar 2015
%
Google is the place you go when you have a question. Reddit is where you go to
find the questions you would never have ever thought to ask.
	―Coltrainz, Aug 2016
%
Most of people we see in real life are dressed and most of animals are
naked. But in the Internet most of people are naked and most of animals are
dressed.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
Pollen is essentially plant sperm. Therefore, this makes hay fever an
STD. Since no one voluntarily takes in pollen, I've concluded that we're all
getting raped by trees.
	―clusterfuck_of_frogs, Jun 2015
%
Netflix should come out with an "offline queue" where you can download one
movie at a time to your device to watch offline during car and plane rides.
	―nickynicholson, Nov 2014
%
We now have hundreds of emojis, but I still cannot underline, bold, or
italicize in a text message.
	―blessedhellfire, Feb 2016
%
I can't submit anything on reddit because most subreddits want a minimum
amount of karma. I can't get any karma because I'm not allowed to submit
anything. This feels just like applying for jobs that demand work experience
after studying ...
	―troxlr, Sep 2016
%
Punishing students who skip school with suspension makes no sense
	―willy_glove, Oct 2016
%
Everybody is actually just a naked person in disguise.
	―cottonheadedninnymug, Jul 2013
%
All worms are Earth worms.
	―tenhou, Jun 2015
%
People who buy the iPhone 7 won't be able to catch it mid-air when they drop
it by holding the earphones cable.
	―jukeRICE, Sep 2016
%
If Google Street View archived its data by year, then imagine using VR to walk
through a 50-200+ year old version of NYC in the distant future.
	―srgtbear, Oct 2016
%
There should be a "blown out candle" scented candle.
	―ZAGD, Dec 2014
%
sex and extreme sports are actually quite similar: you come dangerously close
to changing the world's population count by 1.
	―scibot9000, Aug 2015
%
HowToBasic should make an April Fools video where he cooks something
correctly.
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
In my humble opinion, every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it travels
through a multidimensional portal and comes back as an extra Tupperware lid in
my cabinet.
	―InnerGod357, Oct 2016
%
Time could be freezing for billions of years every five minutes and we would
have no idea.
	―iSuckAtCreativity, Mar 2015
%
People use "like a boss" to signify something done well, but all the bosses
I've worked for have been idiots.
	―delanger, Sep 2015
%
"Netflix and chill" is now as annoying as "Keep calm and carry on"
	―Pushmonk, Oct 2015
%
Turning 20 means I have now beaten teen pregnancy.
	―riuseche, Nov 2015
%
What if every time we blinked we took a photo and when we died we good go back
through our own personal photo gallery
	―Wotscot, Dec 2014
%
Posting on Reddit is a lot like having a conversation with my Father. No
matter how good an idea it is, something will always be found wrong with it.
	―danholden4006, Dec 2014
%
Dribbling a ball is passing to your future self
	―LaborDaze, Jun 2015
%
There's probably more praying going on in a casino than in a church.
	―Meiven, Oct 2016
%
For the next "Dirty Jobs", Mike Rowe should try being a senator.
	―clockrunner, Feb 2015
%
About 30 years ago, President Nixon was almost impeached for wire tapping one
building. Today, the U.S. Government (including the President) can record data
from all our phones
	―Musicaltheaterguy, May 2015
%
The Westboro Baptist Church should start protesting marijuana now so that it
will become legal, too.
	―can_a_bus, Jun 2015
%
Whether you're going the speed limit, under the speed limit or over the speed
limit, someone is going to be irritated with you.
	―HuskyBowner, Jun 2016
%
If 666 is the mark of the beast then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil
	―Phoxner, Oct 2016
%
Instead of calling it a getaway car, we should call it a "fleehicle".
	―My_Anus_Is_Bleating, May 2014
%
When you pass roadside memorials on the highway, it's kinda like you're
beating their highscore.
	―Gundament, Jun 2015
%
Showerthoughts is almost exactly what I hoped Twitter was going to be, but now
Twitter has turned into what I imagine spam mail is like.
	―InsideOutOstrich, Sep 2015
%
I've never seen a man complain about a lack of plus sized male models.
	―R33MZ, Mar 2016
%
Only when reddit is down do I realize the only website I use is reddit
	―Interstage, Aug 2016
%
For decades parents told their children to empty their plates so that the sun
will shine. Today we have fat kids and global warming.
	―MasterPerry, Sep 2015
%
Showerthoughts was someones showerthought
	―Storpeedo2, Oct 2015
%
In porn video they have shitty music, in music videos they have shitty porn
	―Moogythecow, Oct 2015
%
I would rather risk buying an exploding Samsung phone than an iPhone without a
headphone Jack
	―muff_cabbag3, Sep 2016
%
You should be able to downvote google links that were completely worthless or
spammy
	―read_harder, Apr 2015
%
The best way to be passive aggressive is to order a "worst trophy shop" trophy
from a trophy shop and never pick it up
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
In 2020, it's going to be 4/20 for a whole month
	―basachr, Jan 2016
%
If Amazon sold a suicide machine, it would only have negative feedback
	―FartPoopRobot_PhD, Feb 2016
%
Every time I hear the word "dictator", I think "penis potato"
	―daddydomino, Feb 2016
%
In chess, the Queen is the hero and the King is the damsel in distress.
	―bad_buoys, Mar 2016
%
In 2016 it takes 28 minutes for me to hear about and be semi clear on details
of military uprising half way around the world.
	―m3s3dup, Jul 2016
%
People born in 2016 will probably be alive to see the year 3000
	―helpmeimobama, Aug 2016
%
I still find driving crazy. We trust complete strangers going 50 miles per
hour driving 3000 pound machines not to hit us, with the only thing separating
us is yellow paint on the road.
	―kaypmger, Jul 2015
%
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind. But then I realized that
ducks and I have very similar ideas about what ducks should do.
	―trillstarrmafia, Mar 2016
%
Imagine being deaf and finding out that farts make noise
	―baconandeggs17, Dec 2015
%
If you time-travelled to the future, you'd probably die of one of the future
contagions that you have no immunity to.
	―Pro_Quote_Maker, Mar 2016
%
The space between "girlfriend" and "girl friend" can be called the friend
zone.
	―AtrociousVirtuoso, Feb 2014
%
The No. 1 movie at the box office on Martin Luther King Day weekend is a movie
about a sniper.
	―ukiyo1, Jan 2015
%
The opposite of /r/mildlyinteresting should be wildlyinteresting instead of
/r/interestingasfuck
	―internetcapo, May 2015
%
Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because other people have it worse than
them would be like telling them they shouldn't be happy because other people
have it better than them.
	―phototactic, Dec 2015
%
The person who prays for God to change things thinks God has arranged matters
wrong, and also thinks they can instruct God on how they should be put right.
	―petermal67, Sep 2016
%
I wonder how many people who "fucking love science" on Facebook, fucking
dreaded it in middle school
	―jan10004, Jan 2015
%
If a serial killer in pursuit of a running victim started yelling "It's a
prank" they would probably catch them.
	―stops_puns_with_ass, Mar 2015
%
Hooters restaurant should introduce options for drink sizes: A Cup, B Cup, C
Cup...
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
Tomorrow at 8:25pm and 30 seconds, it will be 5/10/15 20:25:30
	―orangejuice456, May 2015
%
I have visited Imgur countless times, yet never once have I purposefully gone
to imgur.com for the sake of Imgur.
	―cynicalGamzee, Jul 2015
%
There's probably a number between 1 and 1,000 that I've never said before.
	―drain65, Sep 2015
%
If I have twins, I would name them Leon and Noel.
	―maxxxout, May 2016
%
16 year olds are winning Olympic golds, and I'm still here asking my mom how
long I should microwave my food for
	―CarrotSurvivor, Aug 2016
%
A calendar doesn't actually tell you what day it is. It just gives you a list
of options to choose from.
	―glitterphobia, Oct 2016
%
What idiot put an ‘s’ in the word lisp
	―RevivedBear, Oct 2016
%
LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
	―tripstyle, Oct 2016
%
Death is your last first experience.
	―ashman_cometh, Oct 2014
%
Avogadro makes mole. Avocados make guacamole.
	―blore40, Oct 2014
%
If cigarette taxes are to stop people from smoking, doesn't that mean income
taxes are to stop people from working?
	―SamsterOverdrive, Feb 2016
%
Most of the people that are mad at Colin Kaepernick for not standing during
the national anthem are sitting at home on the couch during the anthem
	―Lopermania, Sep 2016
%
If there was an alien race whose morality is inverted (our good is their bad)
and we ever make contact we'd try to be nice to them but they'll get pissed
off and react to our behavior, but we will just think they're being nice too.
	―ianelinon, Nov 2014
%
When I was younger, spending $20 on DVD's and eating from the dollar menu was
a regular occurrence. Now, I spend $20 making dinner and rent movies for a
dollar.
	―MethodMikey, Feb 2016
%
Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some
asshole.
	―currykid82, Aug 2016
%
If I got poo on any other part of my body, using tissue paper to wipe it off
would be nowhere near enough
	―Parkingisnotfine, May 2015
%
I had this revelation today: I can tell when my husband is taking a shit when
he mass - likes my posts on facebook.
	―elegaphant, Jul 2015
%
My Garbage Disposal eats better than 98% of the world.
	―_Maui_, Jan 2016
%
Wu-Tang Clan should release "Once Upon A Time In Shaolin" for free, making
Martin Shkreli the one person who paid millions of dollars for something that
everyone else got for free.
	―DukeFlapjack, Jan 2016
%
Women are born with all the eggs they'll ever have. So though I was born in
the 1980s, I've existed since the 1950s.
	―grasshopper_jo, Jan 2016
%
The speed of light exists because that's the maximum speed this simulation can
buffer environments for rendering and collision detection.
	―GloryBeing, Dec 2014
%
If the average penis size is 5.5 inches and there are about 3 billion men on
Earth, then we have enough penis to get to the Moon.
	―ReadMyNips, May 2015
%
There should be an emergency pin code for your bank account that gives out
money but also notifies the police
	―toughguy4x4, Oct 2015
%
Being good because Santa Claus is coming to town is the opposite of being good
for goodness' sake.
	―banditthehorse, Dec 2015
%
Snapchat should have a NSFW or a "do not open around other people" indication
box option when sending snaps.
	―ku_srob, Jun 2016
%
American society thinks its perfectly acceptable for an 18 year old to make
money getting gang-banged in a porn, but that same 18 year old is not mentally
ready to legally buy and drink a glass of wine.
	―Wahdahsah, Aug 2016
%
On the internet, You are male until proven female.
	―MrDoctorDostoyevsky, Jun 2014
%
Helen Keller would have probably been completely immune to flash-bang
grenades.
	―ShigglyB00, Jun 2014
%
Why doesn't a liquor brand use the saying "you miss 100% of the shots you
don't take"?
	―[deleted], Jul 2014
%
Up voting something that has already made it to the front page is like giving
Bill gates a dollar.
	―Array2912, Aug 2014
%
Saying "I've loved you since our first date" is way less creepy than saying "I
love you" on the first date.
	―djliquidvoid, Oct 2016
%
If you break a pencil, you have two pencils. If you break a pen, you have zero
pens.
	―TitanicMan, Feb 2015
%
I wonder how many times I ate eggs that came from a chicken I ate
	―tonito23, May 2014
%
Having random boners as a teenager is like having a Pokemon that is too high
of a level to control.
	―Azntigerlion, Oct 2014
%
"Pay to win" gaming isn't new. In the 80s it was called "Insert coin(s) to
continue"
	―phaseMonkey, Sep 2015
%
The words "similar" and "same" are similar, but not the same.
	―fksf, Jul 2016
%
"Walt Disney's Frozen" is both a movie and a fact.
	―partywiththecaptain, Sep 2014
%
Lucky rabbit's feet come from unlucky rabbits.
	―nomecks, Jan 2015
%
What if we only love our parents because of Stockholm Syndrome?
	―austinbond132, Nov 2015
%
You kill time until time kills you
	―MrEdman4, Dec 2015
%
In sci-fi, future people eat bland, colorless paste containing all necessary
nutrients. In reality, we eat brightly colored foods with intense flavors and
no nutrition.
	―racornist, Dec 2015
%
When my wife's parents encourage us to have children, they're really just
telling me to bareback and creampie her more often.
	―butihardlyknowher, Apr 2016
%
Imagine if aliens actually visited earth, but during the jurrasic era, saw a
t-rex and just noped their way out of here.
	―JouwPF, Aug 2016
%
Reddit can rename the "share" button to "spreddit", "delete" button to
"shreddit" and karma to "creddit". Yet it has not. I don't geddit.
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
If 72 virgins is the reward for blowing yourself in a crowd of innocent
people, someone should start a peaceful religion that awards 73 virgins for
just being cool.
	―holeeefuwk, Aug 2016
%
A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber.
	―sproso, Dec 2013
%
Saying "a ton of fat people" could just mean "several fat people".
	―IvyMichael, Sep 2014
%
I never realized I farted so much till I started dating.
	―FloopyDoopy, Jan 2016
%
When I Google an average word to be sure of its precise definition before
posting on the internet, I wonder if the CIA thinks, "this guy is a real
simpleton".
	―pondini, Mar 2016
%
A dildo can also be called a selfie stick.
	―Brain_Beam, Oct 2015
%
I have never told person 2 that person 1 said hello.
	―High_as_red, Mar 2016
%
There are probably epic space battles happening right now somewhere.
	―tatersmith7, Apr 2016
%
When I'm driving, I hate pedestrians. When I'm a pedestrian, I hate cars. But
no matter what I'm doing, I hate bicyclists.
	―ElegantElephant42, Sep 2016
%
All Movie Spoilers are Tagged NSFW because Reddit doesn't have a Spoiler
Tag. It makes /r/Starwars looks like a Porn Sub-Reddit
	―jasonskjonsby, Dec 2015
%
There should be a hair salon for introverts where all the stylists are
comfortable with silence.
	―Colinmacus, Sep 2015
%
There should be an express line in coffee shops for those of us that only want
coffee so we don't have to wait for all the ridiculous "fancy" drinks to be
made
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
As a child, I was always afraid of teenagers. As a teenager, I was afraid of
other teenagers. As someone who has graduated high school, I am still afraid
of teenagers. Teenagers will never not be scary.
	―calmurself, Jan 2016
%
The most unbelievable thing about Zombie movies/shows isn't the dead people
coming back to life. It's the fact that nobody seems to have heard of zombies
before.
	―Ragnar---Lothbrok, May 2016
%
Asking a quiet person why they're being so quiet is the equivalent of telling
angry person to calm down
	―pikindaguy, Jul 2016
%
What if I'm already dead and heaven exists but my idea of paradise is to
remain in the real world so I never even knew I had died?
	―releasethegeese, Feb 2015
%
Every bag of chips is Family Size if you're an orphan.
	―TheLeviathan82, Aug 2016
%
Reddit is like the fridge: you keep checking back until your standards drop
low enough to just take what's there.
	―HolmatKingOfStorms, Sep 2016
%
CzechsMix would be a great domain name for a Czechoslovakian dating website.
	―[deleted], Feb 2014
%
I would probably take better much care of my body if I had implanted sensors
giving me live feedback of my body's vital stats and I could earn points and
achievements for improving things.
	―ZombieAlpacaLips, Mar 2015
%
What would happen if Alex Trebek did an AMA and everyone gave him answers and
he responded with questions.
	―purpledesperado, Jan 2015
%
Does my dog think i'm a hypocrite because I poo in the house?
	―skywisefahr, Jun 2015
%
Some memes are older than the kids browsing them
	―Magnatross, Apr 2016
%
"I'm brutally honest" and "I have no filter" are polite ways of saying "I'm an
asshole".
	―phizzman, Jun 2016
%
If I was one of the first astronauts on Mars I would pat Curiosity rover on
the head like a good dog.
	―RPHoogle, Jul 2014
%
Nirvana lyrics: 'I feel stupid, and contagious', should be the anthem for the
antivaccine movement.
	―hulksmashokayiwill, Apr 2015
%
I think we can all agree that Neil Armstrong, the first person to walk on the
Moon, was not a werewolf.
	―phish_tacos, Sep 2015
%
Because of muscle memory, I think I would forget some passwords if I lost my
hands.
	―RubberSword, Apr 2015
%
The Toys-R-Us mascot shouldn't be a giraffe, it should be a dinosaur, the
"Toy-saurus."
	―thedudley, Nov 2015
%
I might have ejaculated a genius.
	―chameleonito, Aug 2013
%
You never really appreciate an unblocked nose until you have a blocked nose.
	―babyrobotman, May 2015
%
What if every Marvel movie has Ant-Man as a cameo, but we just don't know it
	―nuckingfuts73, Jul 2015
%
The phrase "hanging up the phone" has lost its significance.
	―this_raccoon, Jul 2013
%
The opportunity to take my car to get washed by a bunch of bikini clad college
girls seemed to be a lot more promising when I was a kid in the 80s.
	―se7enx, Aug 2016
%
I get oddly stressed when I see someone post a screen shot and their phone's
battery is low.
	―amee_saurus, May 2016
%
It's kinda misleading that the Xbox logo is an X in a circle
	―Nitraus, Oct 2016
%
Telling a depressed person to just cheer up is like telling a drunk person to
act sober
	―pikindaguy, Jul 2015
%
If Kanye West becomes president, it will be the first time in history that
millions of people have seen the First Lady's nudes.
	―sacala, Sep 2015
%
The longest time most of us spend without masturbating starts when we're born
and ends when we masturbate for the first time
	―deus_bacchus, Mar 2016
%
I should get out soon or I will be late for work.
	―officialimguraffe, Dec 2013
%
Bats must be like angels to rats
	―Suck-My-Crumpet, Sep 2014
%
This subreddit would be way more popular if we all had waterproof phones.
	―ParadoxianKings, Nov 2015
%
The "B" in Butt looks like a Butt whilst the "P" in Penis looks like a penis
whilst the "V" in vagina looks like a vagina.
	―Storm_sprite, Sep 2014
%
We're quickly moving towards a society where both work and leisure consist of
staring at a screen.
	―AndoCalrissian3, Jul 2015
%
Cats have no fucking idea they're on the Internet.
	―SheepDip66, Jan 2016
%
Plagiarism is when you get in trouble for something you didn't even do.
	―Thenick92, Sep 2014
%
Mobile Porn sites should make all buttons big enough to click with your nose.
	―cd4life, Sep 2015
%
I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
	―the_dying_punk, Mar 2016
%
If you skydive and your parachute doesn't open, you have the rest of your life
to open it.
	―phlenis, May 2016
%
In a few years, French Uber drivers will be throwing rocks at self-driving
cars.
	―Philipp, Jun 2015
%
"As a 62 year old seventh grade teacher, this year, I will not be teaching a
student born in the same century as me. "
	―NotBrendan, Jul 2015
%
If I spent my Reddit time reading something useful instead, I could probably
be an expert in something genuinely beneficial to my life by now.
	―htid85, Mar 2016
%
I'm old enough to remember when the internet did not have ads
	―Otalgia, Jun 2016
%
The the statement "I'm stronger than guys half my age" isn't really very
impressive until you hit 40.
	―zvika, Jun 2016
%
My brain likes to refer to itself in 3rd person.
	―_HEY_EARL_, Dec 2015
%
April 1st would be the worst day for a zombie outbreak to begin
	―arron77, Apr 2015
%
If last names were thought up today, boobsmith would be a good name for
plastic surgeons.
	―juanlucio, Sep 2015
%
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people
who are already at a ballgame.
	―danshapiro, Feb 2016
%
It's called your "chest" because it holds your vital organs inside
	―FrodoSwagginz, Jun 2013
%
I've woken up over 8.000 times in my life and I still suck at it
	―canoodle_me, Jul 2015
%
The human body is the worst kind of hoarder. It keeps saving fat cells
"because it might need them someday".
	―Mumblix_Grumph, Aug 2015
%
We don't pronounce the "k" in knowledge until we acknowledge it.
	―Anon0mousse, Nov 2015
%
Chuck E Cheese is a casino for children
	―jamiegandolf, Jan 2016
%
Blind people dont need to buy light bulbs
	―ASK_ME_IF_IM_A_DOOR, Nov 2013
%
Father's Day is really Motherfucker's Day
	―RobotsonRockets, Jun 2014
%
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos
taken?
	―pdmsmembrane, Apr 2015
%
Tap dancers probably look at floors every so often and think "I'd tap that"
and then chuckle to themselves.
	―DangerousTides, Feb 2014
%
If you told me in 2005 that in ten years, the NSA would monitoring all
electronic communications, the police would be militarized and have "black
sites," and companies would be spying on you in your own home, I'd have made
you a tin foil hat.
	―agentdarko, Feb 2015
%
For a sociopath, life is a single player game, for everyone else it is an MMO
	―brain_emesis, Oct 2015
%
A lot of gunfights could have been prevented if they'd only made Old West
towns bigger.
	―nathanknaack, Sep 2016
%
I wonder what the people that were born on the same day at the same hospital
as I was, my nursery room buddies, are doing with their lives now.
	―iAmTheRealLange, Jul 2015
%
Dickbutt is another term for cocktail
	―CharismaticStallion5, Aug 2016
%
I've practiced way more conversations in my head than I will ever actually
have in life
	―Todd_Popalopolous, Oct 2016
%
The only way a minor can prove that they're responsible enough to be treated
like a legal adult is to commit a serious crime.
	―PinkSlip_YoureFired, May 2015
%
A first person Pac Man would have been scary: wandering around a pitch black
maze, running away from ghosts, while having no clue where they would be
	―TheSlyGuy1, Jun 2015
%
Spiders are the only type of web developers that are happy to find bugs.
	―B00ker_DeWitt, Mar 2016
%
A lot of people have a problem thinking humans evolved from apes, yet have no
problem accepting that pugs and chihuahuas descended from wolves.
	―Petal_Phile, Sep 2016
%
I hope that if Monica Lewinsky ever writes a memoir, she calls it "A Hard Bill
to Swallow".
	―ballou0254, May 2014
%
If a bra can be called an "Over the shoulder boulder holder", can underpants
be called an "under the butt nut hut"?
	―Mark_JT84, Sep 2014
%
If I ever have my life flash before my eyes I will have to watch myself
masturbate thousands of times
	―Honestly_Rude, Jun 2015
%
There are more human nipples in the world than there are people.
	―whores_in_my_head, Jun 2013
%
Websites should tell you their password requirements when you forget your
password.
	―Wrackle, May 2015
%
All cops should have body cams with a button that they are told shuts off
recording. But it doesn't do anything.
	―BACK_BURNER, Aug 2015
%
If you hear a sniper's gunshot, you're not the target.
	―rayjenningz, May 2016
%
Do twins even realize one of them was unplanned
	―MrTuxedoMan, May 2016
%
My life is composed of a lot of hours that I wish would hurry up, just to get
to a couple hours that I wish would last way longer.
	―ehmanduh, Jul 2013
%
Even as an atheist, when I hear "he/she is in a better place" I still find
myself agreeing.
	―Ismellyourlightsaber, Sep 2016
%
‘Respect your elders’ makes no sense. I don’t care if you’re 5, 15 or 50,
everyone deserves respect until they continue to act in ways that doesn’t
command it. Then, respect has to be earned back.
	―thinkingoutloudest, Sep 2016
%
Growing up in a house of 7, 5 of them women, I never cared which way the
toilet paper was facing, I just wanted there to be toilet paper
	―mkejdo, Sep 2016
%
I think a good response to "you don't take criticism well" is "You're probably
right, thanks for the feedback."
	―tenebris_spiritus, Sep 2016
%
All skiing is water skiing.
	―Oiyeahna, May 2015
%
Buffering is our generation's static
	―HIGHcpu, Aug 2015
%
Your future self is desperately wishing you would do something right now.
	―DiZeez, Mar 2016
%
I wonder how often baby twins are mixed up by their parents and go their whole
lives with each other's identity
	―spin116, Aug 2016
%
My city charges $10 for a parking ticket. It's cheaper to park illegally than
to pay for parking at a sporting event I attend a couple of times a week.
	―fusionman51, Aug 2016
%
Why isn't Fuck, Marry, Kill called Bed, Wed, Behead?
	―SloanethePornGal, Jul 2015
%
I have just realized I have survived literally everything life has thrown at
me so far. I have an 100% survival rate.
	―allanni, Nov 2015
%
I like Reddit more than Facebook, and I don't even know the people on Reddit.
	―PathToNowhere, Feb 2016
%
Religion is the longest game of telephone ever.
	―Freeze__, Sep 2015
%
Netflix should have a setting to skip the intro music for its TV series' after
the first episode viewed in a single sitting.
	―CrickRawford, Jul 2014
%
12 days without murder in New York could just mean 12 days without any bodies
found.
	―[deleted], Feb 2015
%
If you put a hat on the ground it is like the earth is wearing a tiny hat.
	―PrincessAppleBee, Aug 2015
%
A lot of what I spend my money on eventually comes out of my butt
	―popularloser, Jul 2016
%
I wonder if a Google self driving car will require a Google+ account to
operate.
	―Rassidan, Sep 2014
%
Paying with my plastic debit card leaves a "paper trail," but paying with
paper currency does not...
	―lawr11, Dec 2015
%
If you are reading brail and come across "Do not touch" its already too late.
	―br00dle, Dec 2014
%
If a guy makes a girl cum in under a minute he's a god. If a girl makes a guy
cum in under a minute she laughs about it with her friends.
	―jloy88, Jun 2015
%
This isn't NSFW but will be flagged as such because bots don't understand
double negatives.
	―portajohnjackoff, Mar 2016
%
If you're polite on the internet, you must be a really nice person in real
life.
	―floopykid, Aug 2016
%
You never really outgrow having sleepovers. You just eventually pick one
friend to sleepover every night for the rest of your life.
	―BigOldQueer, Sep 2016
%
Saying a movie has a "twist ending" is still a spoiler.
	―Heatios, Mar 2016
%
Isn't Christianity Judaism with a Jesus expansion pack?
	―HeftyBiscuit, Apr 2015
%
If I replaced my shoelaces with Apple earphones, I'd never have to worry about
them coming undone ever again.
	―TaintedLion, Sep 2015
%
The first person that tested a parachute had to be a huge bad ass.
	―Drewsky25, Jan 2016
%
Pun intended is a pun on the word unintended!!
	―theomnipotent1, Jun 2013
%
About 50 yards into any lake there must be a ring of awesome skipping stones
	―Breklinho, Aug 2014
%
McDonald's should create a $1, single-patty version of the Big Mac called a
Lil Mac.
	―Senecatwo, Sep 2014
%
I wish at the end of our life we get a grand total of all our body's stats:
Miles of hair we grew, gallons we peed, liters of blood we pumped, pounds we
crapped, words we spoke, miles our texting thumb scrolled, etc.
	―theolo90, Feb 2016
%
If someone was born tomorrow on 3/14/15 at 9:26:53... And lived for one
hundred years they would have experienced a full circle in their life
	―asaucyfella, Mar 2015
%
If I owned an adult store, policy would have staff conclude a sex toy sale
with a cheery smile and a hearty 'Now go fuck yourself!'.
	―NewbPat, Apr 2015
%
Carrot juice is technically also orange juice
	―marlinsfanert, Sep 2015
%
If a girl is hotter than me, I am by definition cooler than her
	―NethioX, Feb 2016
%
Humans have a 12-16 hour battery life.
	―the_blind_kid, Aug 2016
%
If you say a glass is half full, then you are an optimist. If you say half
empty, then you are a pessimist. When someone asks me I said it depends. If it
was full and you poured half out, then it's half empty. If it's empty and you
add half in, then it's half full. I guess that makes me an analyst.
	―rearended, May 2015
%
if money can't buy happiness why do I have to pay for my antidepressants?
	―Incandescent_Dreams, Jul 2016
%
I Wish the word palindrome was a palindrome
	―aroondeep, Dec 2013
%
No one would know if Stephen Hawking's computer became malevolent and started
changing what he was saying.
	―Yacobski, Apr 2014
%
Light is hitting your body at 186,000 miles per second and we don't even feel
it.
	―Protosynthesis, May 2015
%
Considering the smallest dollar note is $1, and the smallest euro note is €5,
european strippers (should) earn significantly more money.
	―Adamstorm64, Dec 2015
%
My Reddit account is 666 days old today. I guess that makes it my Devil's Food
Cake Day
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
Going to work hungover is like playing your job on a harder difficulty.
	―NersonMandera, Nov 2013
%
GoPro should manufacture a police body camera and name it either the GoPro 5-0
or the GoPro Popo.
	―PoopTickets, Aug 2014
%
When I'm old I will tell youngsters about when Marijuana was illegal.
	―spikecannon118, Sep 2014
%
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot kinder than it actually is.
	―benjamin_finneran, Mar 2016
%
I cannot wait until I can pirate Lego sets from a 3D printer in the future.
	―Hencley, Jan 2016
%
I love listening to someone knowledgeable talk about a hobby I have no
knowledge of. It reminds me how of much unnoticed complexity exists right
beneath the surface of every aspect of life.
	―salty914, Mar 2016
%
Making Siri say dirty things is this generations way of typing boob on a
calculator
	―Ichthasen, Apr 2016
%
I hope that when my generation is elderly that we don't sit around and play
canasta but have nightly super smash bros tournaments in our retirement homes.
	―PM_ME_DUCKS, Nov 2014
%
Pizza should have poison in the sauce and the antidote in the crust to kill
off those weird people that don't eat the crust.
	―Aks1993, Jul 2015
%
the top selling VHS right now will hold that record forever
	―Noxrill, Dec 2015
%
In Scotland, we pay more for plastic bags for shopping than we do for
university tuition
	―c2aye, Mar 2016
%
On my days off, rather than sleeping past the time I'd normally have to get
up, I get much more enjoyment waking up at the same time and just laying
around.
	―ibjixx1, Mar 2016
%
I see no point of labeling a public bathroom by gender when only one person
can use it at a time.
	―Dwac821, Apr 2016
%
Will Ferrell and Pharrell Williams have very similar names, just reversed.
	―peanut_crisis, Feb 2014
%
Before I die, want to hire some people to come to my funeral dressed in suits
and sunglasses and do some like bizarre salute when they leave so people think
I lived like a cool second life.
	―ChuggingALavalamp, Jul 2015
%
I always seem to have a just strong enough data connection to play a YouTube
ad without interruptions but never the video I'm am trying to watch.
	―Areasonablechub92, Apr 2016
%
My dog gets scared of thunder unless I’m nearby. On some level, he trusts that
I can fight off something that can shake our house.
	―Davidhallen, Aug 2016
%
If Pinocchio said "My nose will now grow", his nose will be stuck in an
infinite loop of growing and ungrowing, making him the perfect sex toy.
	―Conspo, Jul 2015
%
The Song "Stacey's Mom" came out 12 years ago. It's likely Stacey is a mom
herself now. I wonder if she's got it going on too.
	―TheRealKaila, Aug 2015
%
There is God and there is man, it's only a matter of who created whom
	―Rybread50, Dec 2015
%
"If these walls could talk," they would say nothing of interest unless they
could also see and/or hear.
	―AnActualRock, May 2015
%
Demetri Martin's stand up routine has to be the best collection of shower
thoughts ever assembled.
	―psgamemaster, Sep 2015
%
Every day this week is a palindrome. (6-13-16 through 6-19-16)
	―Serialnarcisist, Jun 2016
%
You know it's a rough week in the United States when 'first time police use
robot with explosives to kill gunman' gets buried in the news.
	―TheKingOfDrews, Jul 2016
%
In Harry Potter's world, people would use polyjuice potion to satisfy all
kinds of sexual fantasies.
	―odel555q, Dec 2015
%
If the Mayans had ended their calendar in 2016 ,instead of 2012, it would have
been a lot more believable.
	―Justin_roy745, Sep 2016
%
If I dont know exactly what is being advertised before the skip ad button pops
up, you have failed as an advertiser.
	―batsdx, Oct 2015
%
Knitting a sweater has to be one of the coolest things to know how to
do. You're telling the world that you can tie a knot so elaborate you can wear
it as clothing.
	―wallyfoo, Oct 2015
%
10 percent of my Facebook friends are responsible for 90 percent of the crap
in my feed.
	―IveSeenSomeStuffMan, Mar 2016
%
There should be a YouTube channel where they take super strong acid and pour
it on different stuff
	―WaldoWoo, Apr 2016
%
When you say longitude or latitude your mouth follows the correct direction of
the word said.
	―Serialnarcisist, Jun 2016
%
I wonder if I've ever bought milk from the same cow twice.
	―beachedwolf, Feb 2016
%
Thanks to computers, my handwriting is the same as when I was in 2nd grade.
	―onetwentyeightbpm, May 2016
%
I'll bet the leaders of the Flat Earth Society don't actually believe the
Earth is flat, but they want a free ride into space from frustrated NASA
scientists who want to prove them wrong by showing them personally.
	―Moist_Gracie, Sep 2016
%
Why aren't we more amazed that parrots can talk?
	―THCSandman, Jan 2015
%
I see a post about a new breakthrough with curing cancer almost everyday but I
never hear about it again later.
	―KidsPlayTennis, Oct 2015
%
Vaping without nicotine is basically sucking on a pacifier for adults
	―akanet, May 2016
%
Women tend to laugh at jokes told by men they think are attractive. It
probably makes it confusing for guys who are legitimately funny but not
attractive.
	―spartanbadwolf, Sep 2016
%
In baseball sex analogies, a "walk" should be settling for a man on man
hookup. Because you got on base but can't really brag about it, and there are
four balls.
	―phish_tacos, Jun 2015
%
North Korea is like the weird kid at school that everyone makes fun of until
one day they bring a gun.
	―fembot_, Mar 2016
%
What if bananas constantly fight for territory when you bring them home and
that's why the get bruised overnight?
	―poetu, Oct 2016
%
On the series finale of Big Bang Theory, the final scene should have the gang
walking into the lobby of the apartment building only to see maintenence men
fixing the elevator.
	―S0LDIER-X, Mar 2015
%
I've gone a full year, maybe even two, without thinking about the state of
Delaware.
	―ThurstonHowellIV, Jan 2016
%
If Arkham Asylum is really an asylum, Batman beat the ever loving shit out the
mentally handicapped
	―Predatormagnet, Oct 2015
%
Try to change the volume of your thoughts. Its always the same.
	―MindOfPaper, Dec 2013
%
Eating grilled cheese with tomato soup is just a sneaky way of eating pizza
	―toOsOUpy, Oct 2015
%
If you placed a map of the US flat on the ground anywhere in the US, one spot
on the map would be directly over the location it represents
	―PopeInnocentXIV, Jul 2014
%
In Superman's day, people got really excited about seeing birds and planes
	―Invicta_Game, Feb 2015
%
There should be a countdown at theaters from when the previews start until the
actually movie starts, so I know if I have time to get a refill or use the
bathroom before a movie
	―DrewCosby, Jun 2015
%
Statistically speaking, I think it's safe to say that there's at least one
serial killer on reddit
	―nickg452csh, Jan 2016
%
I wonder how many times I've simultaneously masturbated with someone I know.
	―ForeverNaynay, Aug 2013
%
Why was /r/starwars not called /r/2d2?
	―HaHaHalfie, May 2014
%
There should be a beer that takes 21 years to craft and age so on your 21st
birthday you can drink a beer made at the same time you were.
	―BNDTxGhost, Jan 2015
%
It's crazy how nobody in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie.
	―mostlythursday, Aug 2015
%
I would use a treadmill for hours if I had VR hooked up to google street view.
	―Dolphin_Titties, May 2016
%
The best way to dispose of a human is to throw it to pigs. The best way to
dispose of a pig is to throw it to humans.
	―Milosky, Jan 2015
%
Your bellybutton is your first scar
	―nikpappagiorgio, Jun 2015
%
A company that donates books to prisons should be called Prose and Cons.
	―KonyInTheHouse, Mar 2015
%
If Magic Johnson's basketball career failed, he would have had an incredible
porn name.
	―PotatoeGargler, Apr 2015
%
Asking for someone's name is just asking what noise you should make to attract
their attention
	―Kanef64, Feb 2016
%
I'd love to start a "church" for non-religious people who just want a
community of people who do good things together.
	―Whatsername868, Aug 2016
%
We are all just one hit away from being one hit wonders.
	―Sentient_officeplant, Jan 2016
%
At one time or another, you have ALL tried using the force only to disappoint
yourself and confirm the fact you aren't a jedi.
	―SchonaichC1, Apr 2016
%
My dog has no idea that Whales exist
	―bluescholar90, Aug 2014
%
I have no problems watching a 45 second gif on Reddit but balk at going to
YouTube for a 10 second video
	―DemWolverines, Apr 2016
%
Shouldn't boat engines be rated in seahorsepower?
	―Half_Gone, Apr 2016
%
This afternoon, this sub is going to blow up.
	―3kindsofsalt, Apr 2016
%
You know what the world is missing? A celebrity animal-fucking scandal.
	―ask_me_if_im_naked, Aug 2013
%
If you're a member of the royal family, are all your farts noble gases?
	―Oo_De_Lally, Aug 2015
%
My life seems to be going pretty well. After all, I have just as many
tour-de-france medals as Lance Armstrong and twice as many testicles.
	―EgoTrip26, Mar 2016
%
The more attractive you are while online dating, the more likely you are to be
flagged as spam.
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
My Facebook friends are confusing. Last month they were zoo experts, and now
they are experts in European diplomacy.
	―bovickles, Jun 2016
%
There should be a car company named Edison that totally rips off Tesla's
designs.
	―Wyatt1710, Aug 2016
%
We've become so advanced that we spend at least the first 20 or so years of
our lives getting caught up on the basics of what we've figured out so far.
	―benevolentpotato, Oct 2016
%
It's called "cat calling" because when you call a cat they don't come to you.
	―forthexp, Oct 2014
%
reddit should make art contests for the 503 (all servers are busy) error page
image and change it every few days so it will be cool to see the new funny
images and less frustrating to see reddit down all the time.
	―algae12, Feb 2015
%
I've got 99 problems and 98 of them can be attributed to poor time management
and self control.
	―1001tigers, Apr 2015
%
I've spent thousands of hours writing academic papers for school that only a
few people read whereas a stupid comment I've written on Reddit in just a few
seconds has been read by thousands.
	―esquiremoose, Sep 2016
%
Saying "I live at work" sounds a lot more hardcore than "I work at home"
	―Jumbojet777, Jul 2015
%
40 years from now senior centers will go from being filled with board games
and puzzles to being filled with ancient gaming consoles and their games.
	―dontbthatguy, Nov 2015
%
Educating a child is like getting them caught up on a TV show that's been
running for 14 billion years.
	―PrettyMuchHollow, Jun 2014
%
Instead of just looking up into the sky, you’re actually gazing down into the
infinite cosmic abyss, with only gravity holding you onto the surface of the
earth.
	―SwegWalker, Sep 2014
%
Most Muslims probably feel no more connection to radical Islam than most
Christians do to the Westboro Baptist Church
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
I wonder what my life would be like if I actually followed through on all the
promises I make to myself at 2AM when all I want to do is fall asleep
	―Mosetsfire84, May 2015
%
Clowns might do better than a well camouflaged person in a dangerous
wilderness survival situation because the local carnivores would assume they
are poisonous.
	―The2500, Aug 2015
%
Anyone who might've invented time travel is dead & floating out in space
because we don't yet have space travel advanced enough to keep up with the
movement of Earth over time.
	―you_zehr_naime, Oct 2015
%
If you're hotter than me, am I cooler than you?
	―berger321, Aug 2016
%
My dog probably thinks I am magical because rooms light up when I enter them.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
If you live in a house with a mail slot, you live in a mail box.
	―Fastf1ng3rs, Dec 2014
%
I'm 14 billion years old, but only 23 years alive.
	―moral_breakdown, Apr 2015
%
Beef jerky is a meat raisin
	―MinecraftIsMyLove, Apr 2015
%
In a movie, when the sexy protagonist has sex he takes off his shirt but when
the creepy antagonist has sex they show him unzip his pants.
	―Rooster1250, Jan 2016
%
If a sex addict becomes a prostitute, are they then an immediate workaholic?
	―MandaThorian, Aug 2016
%
The only reason I know about Aleppo is because Gary Johnson didn't.
	―BigDummyIsSexy, Oct 2016
%
There's a pretty good chance that I've unwittingly come across dead people's
comments when browsing somewhat older reddit threads.
	―NewVegasGod, Jun 2014
%
The complete opposite of a woman in a burka is a man wearing only a blindfold
	―Sutherby, Aug 2016
%
If hackers really wanted to embarrass America, they should disable the red
underline that appears if you misspell a word
	―triplealpha, Oct 2016
%
Pizza delivery drivers should drive around with a bunch of warm pizzas and we
should be able to flag them down like a taxi to buy a pizza
	―snortingking, Mar 2015
%
I would totally buy a toilet seat with a scale in it so I could see how much
weight I lost every time I pooped...
	―The_Beer_Engineer, Jan 2016
%
Steve Jobs dying early is a fitting metaphor for his attitude to his company's
battery life
	―0nak, Apr 2016
%
The time between being potty trained and getting our period is the only break
women get in their lives from wearing some form of diapers...
	―LacyGray, Feb 2016
%
I wonder what families own a photo of me riding the same roller coaster with
them.
	―n0obie, Jan 2014
%
Because of the nude photo scandal the FBI are currently actual 'Female Boob
Inspectors'
	―[deleted], Sep 2014
%
The real reason John Stewart and Stephen Colbert left Comedy Central is to run
for President in 2016
	―yungpianist, Apr 2015
%
If pigs could fly, the price of bacon would skyrocket because they'd be harder
to farm.
	―[deleted], Feb 2016
%
If 52% of the population of earth is Female, that means I have a bigger dick
than half of the world.
	―PapaParmesano, Jun 2015
%
People don't realize just how lucky we are that our forefathers decided to
sign the declaration of independence in the middle of the summer.
	―holy_halo_man, Jul 2016
%
There should be an app version of the Boy Scouts for adults that teaches
outdoorsman skills and gives merit badges for GPS tracked hikes and campouts.
	―angruss, Aug 2016
%
During a zombie apocalypse there would be a group of "zombie rights activists
" who would protest the killing of zombies because they used to be people.
	―guildedlotus, Aug 2015
%
The word "word" is just a word for a word.
	―lotictrance, Oct 2013
%
Labels on apples should be edible.
	―where_is_the_any_key, Feb 2014
%
If you tried to forget something, and were successful, you'd never know.
	―Mr_Kreepy, Sep 2015
%
If Lord of the Rings was written 2000 years ago, there would be a religion
based on it.
	―danknesslover02, Feb 2016
%
Enrique Iglesias and Eric Church have basically the same name just in a
different language.
	―the_caitallo, Apr 2016
%
If febreze really did eliminate smells, the scented version wouldn't exist.
	―geor9e, Jul 2016
%
It only takes 3 people to span the entire history of the United States.
	―garnteller, May 2014
%
They should call it "Child Hoarders" instead of "19 Kids and Counting."
	―FlotsamJetson, Mar 2015
%
The title of the movie "The Bourne Identity" is a play on words, because
bourne is the present perfect tense of the word bear, so the title basically
means "An identity one has to Bear".
	―aphroninjaXD, Jan 2016
%
As a kid I thought that being able to read minds would be awesome. As an adult
I think that it would be somewhere between emotionally damaging and downright
terrifying.
	―IrishMerica, Jul 2016
%
I've logged countless hours of heated arguments in my head with people I know
in real life that they don't know about.
	―JohnBageldy, Aug 2016
%
You can ask a tall person for help reaching something on a tall shelf but you
can't ask a short person for help grabbing something that is near the ground.
	―kromtwofour, Aug 2015
%
If you didn't know what it was, wind would be really terrifying.
	―d3adn0tsl3eping, Aug 2016
%
Someone should run a Facebook page that posts nothing but clickbait that links
to Never Gonna Give You Up to teach people to stop clicking it
	―bjholmes3, Sep 2016
%
You need teeth to pronounce the word teeth.
	―HatesTheHivemind, Dec 2013
%
In 100 years google maps will have a street view feature called "retro" that
will show what towns looked like in 2015
	―jux_da_posse, May 2015
%
Watching a 2 hour film on Netflix is too big of a commitment but 4 episodes of
a TV show? No problem
	―Drogalov, Oct 2016
%
"I'm up for that" and "I'm down for that" mean the exact same thing.
	―bridges12791, Apr 2014
%
If God knows everything, He had to know that Adam would eat the apple. So God
created a sin loop.
	―Alltruenews, Mar 2015
%
Wrestling videogames are actual competitions with no predetermined
winner. Does that make them more "real" than the live action they're based on?
	―lolfuckthisplace, Oct 2015
%
Everything is or isn't ice cream.
	―Salizmo, Jun 2014
%
If you go to WebMD more than once in a week it should add hypochondria to the
diagnosis
	―funnybunyy, Feb 2015
%
Reddit is like fallout 4 you wander in a vast wasteland and occasionally find
useful junk.
	―Mutants_4_nukes, Dec 2015
%
Think how fortunate you are that your ancestors survived disease, war and
feral beasts just so you could scroll on Reddit
	―starfighter-T9, Sep 2016
%
Tax revenue generated from legal marijuana sales should go towards funding
space exploration. The more people get high, the higher up humanity goes!
	―ijustwantnicethings, Oct 2016
%
Most children ( 2-5 yo)can operate intelligent devices like ipads, laptops,
smartphones, but somehow they can't understand how to use the toilet.
	―StarEventHorizon, Apr 2016
%
The longer you wait for a haircut, the better deal you're getting.
	―Saintjack7, May 2016
%
If the Bachelor was Mormon, the show would only be 1 episode.
	―Urwinator, Sep 2013
%
What if the only reason I'm single is because I never forwarded those chain
messages?
	―abeniman, Nov 2013
%
The word 'apart' is spelled together but means seperate. Meanwhile, 'a part'
of something is spelled seperate and means together.
	―Roche919, Aug 2014
%
Only one company makes the game Monopoly
	―MaddenMan73, Sep 2016
%
What if the most profound Showerthought ever is trapped in the mind of someone
who doesn't use Reddit?
	―AFatOrsonWelles, Sep 2015
%
I cannot WAIT for the south park episode about Pokémon go.
	―skittlebrew, Jul 2016
%
A night club is basically a party for people that weren't invited to an actual
party
	―mikaytheeasterbunny, Aug 2016
%
It's not premarital sex if we're not going to get married.
	―Dano4600, Aug 2016
%
Spelling bees would be so much better if kids said "To The" in-between each
letter.
	―Pmunk, Jan 2015
%
Any animal that dies during hibernation, essentially dug their own grave.
	―isupposeitsjoe, Jul 2015
%
Pizza is the most convenient food ever until you consider the box wont fit in
your trashcan.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
Physics is an attempt to reverse-engineer the source code of our existence.
	―ProfessorCon, Aug 2016
%
Kids in high school typically make fun of kids who are in theater and band,
yet they worship celebrities and musicians.
	―jlmck4, Jun 2014
%
I want to make a store like Best Buy, except it's a grocery store, and we only
sell items that are close to expiring. I will call it, Best by:
	―jmoore12629, May 2015
%
"We're trying for a baby" is the only socially acceptable way of saying you're
dropping as much semen into your significant other as humanly possible.
	―monkey_george, Jul 2016
%
I bet there's some mail carriers out there with amazing Pokémon GO accounts
	―Tony-Flags, Jul 2016
%
Saying there are no aliens is like scooping a tea cup into the ocean and
saying [there are] no fish.
	―Kevin_mark32, Aug 2016
%
People think I'm the quiet, mysterious type but then they get to know me and
realize I'm just boring
	―ProSwitz, Jul 2015
%
Microwaves should have a silent setting.
	―reamsofrandomness, Mar 2016
%
In my experience attending Catholic school drastically reduces your chances of
being Catholic as an adult
	―just-casual, Jul 2016
%
If I could read minds, I could only read minds of people that speak English
because I can only speak English.
	―lazymane, Apr 2015
%
Battleship is just a two person bingo.
	―Torrgud, May 2016
%
Al Gore could make a band called the Algorithms.
	―gradual_weeaboo, Jun 2014
%
Hundreds of kids killed in Syria, no one bats an eye. A lion killed and the
whole world gets in a uproar.
	―Born2bFunny, Jul 2015
%
I'm really grateful for those facebook "copy and past this status and you'll
get some unrealistic reward" posts cause it helps me identify which people on
my list are fking idiots.
	―1manparty, Dec 2015
%
Every Olympic Event Should include one Average Person Competing for Reference.
	―MightBeDementia, Jul 2016
%
The NSA probably has no idea what Amish communities are doing.
	―smoothlove69, Jul 2013
%
Stairs are just little floors to help you get between big floors.
	―Mayundo, Apr 2014
%
Youtube should have a tip button on music videos so you can tip like 25 cents~
to verified artists that share their music on the site.
	―flashtone, Oct 2015
%
The illuminati is the worst secret society
	―aspie_god, Nov 2014
%
The three Hobbit movies are the Star Wars prequels of this decade
	―not-steve, May 2015
%
Is the Snapchat logo a ghost because the pictures will come back to haunt you?
	―Wait__Whut, Sep 2015
%
They should make a movie where the main character has multiple
personalities. His internal monologue is narrated by Morgan Freeman when he's
good, and Samuel L. Jackson when he's bad.
	―DeadK4T, Mar 2016
%
What if our reality is a simulation, and magic existed as bugs in the code
that have long since been patched?
	―Mcsonofabitch, Aug 2016
%
Bill O'Reilly could replace Jon Stewart on the Daily show, saying the same
stuff he says on Fox but with a laughter track
	―vinvanda, Feb 2015
%
In 21st century, deleting history is more important than making it.
	―A17yearoldguythrow, May 2016
%
Kate Upton and Kate Middleton are famous. How long before we have a famous
Kate Downton?
	―gmsc, Jul 2013
%
The brain is the only organ that knows it's an organ
	―Threil, May 2015
%
Fifa 16 should let you use real-money to bribe officials in online matches for
a more realistic experience.
	―[deleted], Jun 2015
%
If I manage my bank account like I manage my phone battery, I'd be rich.
	―19kaufmanry, Feb 2016
%
If Steven Avery ends up freed due to Making A Murderer, it'll be the first
time Netflix ever led to anyone spending more time outdoors.
	―OlafDumas, Mar 2016
%
I had adblock on for so long that until today I didn't know reddit had ads.
	―AreMemesAnInstrument, Jan 2016
%
When I see a picture of a fat person 100 years ago, I assume they were
wealthy. When I see a fat person today, I assume they're poor.
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
I wonder if anyone has ever walked out of a Chinese buffet and said "Wow that
was a great decision. I am very pleased with myself right now"
	―JustinPatient, Aug 2016
%
A package is a euphemism for a penis. A box is a euphemism for a
vagina. Packages come in boxes.
	―mrdudemanguysir, Sep 2016
%
I thought I made up "the floor is lava." It never occurred to me that every
child knows what it is.
	―LtSully, Mar 2015
%
If men make more money than women, then financially it's a good idea to be
gay.
	―DarthNarwhals, Dec 2015
%
The US has banned Kinder Eggs but is cool with laundry detergent gel packs
that look like candy.
	―UhhJackieChan, Jun 2016
%
By the end of this century, people will start looking up their ancestors on
Facebook
	―Narksdog, Sep 2016
%
Because not everyone has a penis, I have an above average number of penises.
	―Yanmega, Dec 2014
%
I wonder how many people have a picture of me riding a roller coaster with
them in their house.
	―mvk_iii, Jul 2015
%
Red Bull should have a prize giveaway named "Red Bull gives you things."
	―roooooob, Sep 2015
%
We need to increase space funding. Muffins made in space could float in the
middle of an oven and be spheres - entirely muffin-top consistency.
	―VinDenim, Jan 2016
%
There should be a late show where the guests are just random people, and they
talk about their whole life.
	―GlazedSmooth, Mar 2016
%
When I'm 80 years old, will people find today's pop-culture, movies and music
embarrassing? "Grandad, stop playing dub-step, it's old!"
	―DeansMagicBeans, Dec 2013
%
CPR is the human equivalent of punching/slamming/hitting a machine until it
starts working again
	―kikat314, Jun 2015
%
Pandora should show you the next song so you can decide if you want to waste a
skip or wait it out.
	―Dusty_Minge, Aug 2015
%
Despite everything DARE taught me, not once was I ever offered drugs at
school.
	―timeless-clock, Sep 2015
%
Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, we lucked out with it
being just a yawn.
	―facederaice, May 2016
%
Every ginger in America has Trey Parker and Matt Stone to thank for being
accused of having no soul at least once in their lives
	―shea_the_great, Jul 2016
%
We should take a minute to be thankful about clouds emptying their water at a
slow rate and in form of tiny droplets, and not pouring it in one go in a
giant falling block of water
	―lcq92, Mar 2016
%
I've never seen a baby pigeon in my life.
	―Vmss4, Oct 2016
%
Facebook has become so boring that people have nothing to do but simply
re-share old memories.
	―wotton, Sep 2015
%
Dog toys are only brightly colored so they're attractive to humans in the
store.
	―BenDrinkingCoffee, Oct 2016
%
At 5.5", the new iPhone will be bigger than the dicks of 50% of the men who
own one.
	―fredandlunchbox, Sep 2014
%
Some girls say "you'll never find another one like me" after a breakup, isn't
that the point?
	―JohnWilkesBOOM, Feb 2016
%
I wake up an hour early nearly every morning just to take a series of 10
minute power naps.
	―OlStickInTheMud, Apr 2016
%
Reddit is essentially a pub. If you're not local you better watch what you say
or you'll piss off the regulars.
	―Limmy92, May 2016
%
If you stumble over your cat in the dark and accidentally step on his paw, he
probably thinks you're a dick, because he can see, and doesn't know that you
can't.
	―tronk, Oct 2014
%
The phrase "a penny for your thoughts" was coined in 1522; if you adjusted for
inflation, I wonder how much a thought is worth today.
	―chiablo, Dec 2015
%
I wish Facebook had a "People You Should Delete" section instead of "People
You May Know" so I could conveniently clean up my friends list.
	―morethanagame03, Sep 2016
%
You are eventually going to stub your toe again on a very hard surface and
it's going to hurt a lot. It will happen someday and all you can do is wait.
	―PanchDog, Jul 2015
%
Airplanes should release a powder with high hue/visibility colors when they
break/impact on ocean water, which narrows down search for black box
recorders.
	―The-SpaceGuy, May 2016
%
Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents' job.
	―illestprodigy, Oct 2016
%
Ironically, Chumbawumba never got back up again.
	―ahundredheys, Aug 2015
%
Everyone on Reddit is a straight 20-something male pseudo-intellectual gamer
who's kinda into fitness, until proven otherwise
	―ienjoyapples, May 2016
%
It's ironic to me that the people who believe God will warn them to build an
ark when the flood comes are the same ones refusing to listen to scientists
warning them of rising sea levels.
	―KingLouisXXIV, Jul 2015
%
As a husband with kids, our entire family has been in my wife's vagina.
	―CheckBaby123, Dec 2015
%
The exact opposite of a sphere (0 corners) would be infinite corners. Which
would probably look like a sphere.
	―SlapmyFace, Apr 2016
%
Losing ten pounds in America is a lot better than losing ten pounds in
England.
	―ProbableWalrus, Apr 2015
%
I’m only considered the ‘tech person’ in my house because nobody else thinks
to Google when something goes wrong.
	―thepkmncenter, Oct 2016
%
There are no sour patch adults because we eat them all while they're kids.
	―koller419, Jun 2015
%
If I had a clone I wouldn't want to be friends with him because of his voice
	―Cheer_up_Buttercup, Mar 2016
%
Reddit is kinda like preschool because if you write a good comment, you get a
gold star
	―thomasklau, Jul 2014
%
Prostitution in England could be codenamed "pound-for-pound".
	―craftybutcher, Feb 2016
%
Seasonal allergies are your body telling you that it is uncomfortable with
plants having sex near you
	―GodPoopsToo, May 2014
%
Hugh Jackman 16 years as wolverine and never wore the yellow suit
	―buyingaspaceship, Jun 2016
%
The last funeral won't be for the last person alive.
	―360JFK, Nov 2015
%
Reddit is the only place where I've learnt to not trust the article headlines
and instead expect a stranger in the comments to tell me the truth
	―chongchong234, Oct 2016
%
Somewhere, out there, lives a hardcore vegan that refuses to use 'honey' as a
term of endearment.
	―captainjules, Nov 2014
%
Netflix really only needs a sports-streaming service and it'll render cable
completely useless.
	―SBPennywhistle, Jun 2015
%
Dropped the soap and just kicked the bar up the side of the tub like a
half-pipe and caught it in my hand. Coolest thing I've ever done that nobody
will ever fully believe.
	―mrfluff_n_snuff, Aug 2015
%
Sia's final album should be titled "Sia Later"
	―Mad-Hatter95, Feb 2016
%
In less than a week, people will go from bitching about the "upgrade to
windows 10 for free" popups, to bitching about Windows 10 not being free
anymore.
	―MeowMixSong, Jul 2016
%
I bet a lot more people would be on board with the draft if they just called
it "Call of Duty 5: Actual Warfare"
	―imlovinit666, Oct 2014
%
The extension on Italian websites is ".it", so google.com in Italy reads
"google it"
	―AZachOfTheClones, Feb 2015
%
What if cave drawings are done by cave-children and we are judging their
entire society by graffiti done by kids?
	―imma_viking, Feb 2015
%
True friends say good things behind your back and bad things to your face.
	―WellEndowedDragon, Apr 2015
%
The whole "Don't drop the soap" joke in prisons only applies if people ignore
health & safety protocol by bending at the waist rather than the knees.
	―George_Huxley, Aug 2015
%
If gravity were to randomly cut off, cars would launch off the ground due to
the force in the suspension.
	―MrSanch2u, Sep 2015
%
I wonder how many miles my thumbs have scrolled on my phone
	―516nocnaes, Jun 2016
%
When I was young I hated parents in the movies who tried to get their kid the
protagonist to work for the family business. Now I wish I had a family
business to work at, for the job and financial security
	―birdonamonday, Oct 2016
%
Someone on the planet has watched more porn than any other human
	―vg1746, Jul 2014
%
The best way to refresh Reddit for new posts is to fall asleep.
	―Turkey_Sammich, Oct 2015
%
Pornstars who don't want to be discovered should get fake tattoos for
plausible deniability.
	―forsleepssake, Jun 2016
%
I now feel the same way when I see "starring Kevin Hart" in a movie trailer as
I do when I see "starring Adam Sandler"
	―Moldeyawsome12, Jun 2016
%
Cockpit is the perfect euphemism for vagina, yet you hardly (if ever) hear
anyone use it as such.
	―DemraTheArmed, Oct 2016
%
Being forced to watch an ad in order to watch an ad for a movie is
aggravatingly ironic.
	―Heliodjent, Dec 2015
%
Everyone says dating someone because of their personality and not their looks
is a good thing but telling someone you're only dating them because of their
personality and not their looks is a really bad thing to say
	―d2dan, Feb 2016
%
I have now gone from seeing a group of people at 3am and thinking, "Great
another drug trade" to "Great another Pokémon Go group."
	―IAmTilted, Jul 2016
%
Netflix should start a doubling as a dating website. Like, "8 singles in your
area have also watched Breaking Bad for 12 straight hours."
	―tresdosuno, Apr 2014
%
Any vehicle that Tom Cruise drives is in cruise control
	―DrEnrique, Oct 2014
%
The only way to want half of a banana is to not want half of a banana.
	―logicshock, Nov 2014
%
No matter how much Reddit tries to avoid it, the down vote button is the same
as a disagree button.
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
Maybe cats lie on top of keyboards because they think you're tickling and
scratching the keyboard's belly and they get jealous
	―PastaOfMuppets, May 2015
%
Parkour is the adult version of The Floor is Lava.
	―AAPLPi, Jun 2015
%
I've been on Reddit for 3 years, and i have 6 karma, even on the internet i do
nothing productive.
	―mrerik314, Jan 2016
%
The only way to actually be done with my laundry is to do it naked.
	―graphXgeek, Oct 2016
%
They call it Tampax 'Pearl' because you hide the tampon in your clam...
	―ohgeezuguyz, Nov 2014
%
If you could actually talk to animals, all you would hear is constant
screaming about danger, threats, or demands for sex.
	―notbobby125, Jun 2015
%
The word Jewish makes it sound like you're a Jew but not really.
	―drhanburger, Nov 2015
%
Elevator doors are the only time it's considered reasonable to halt the
progress of large machinery by sticking your limbs into its moving parts.
	―BallsAndAHalf, Apr 2016
%
I wonder how many people are actively holding a grudge against me for
something I don't remember doing or saying.
	―notthemostclevername, Nov 2014
%
During the day you can see only one Sun. At night, you can see over two
thousand Suns.
	―HIGHsonburg, Oct 2015
%
If you would have told me in 1991 Mike Tyson was not bad compared to OJ and
Bill Cosby I would have not believed you.
	―p4ulyj03, Jan 2016
%
When a famous person dies, does Wikipedia just click a 'dead' button which
changes all the words "is" to "was"?
	―Stvupid, Mar 2016
%
There should be an option of seeing only posts that you haven't clicked yet in
your daily reddit front page.
	―tesla_beats_edison, Sep 2016
%
Even on your worst day, you've still stopped as many terrorists as the TSA.
	―DivineJustice, May 2016
%
I would be a lot more motivated in life if every difficult thing had a
progress bar that I could see.
	―Notablawz, Jul 2016
%
Snoop Dogg should host a cooking show called "Dogg Foodd"
	―itstriche, Mar 2014
%
Whenever I scoop a dead fish out of my tank, I feel like that airship from the
hunger games.
	―toesox, Jan 2015
%
Companies like Netflix need packages made for hotels, they would make a lot of
money, and people who don't have Netflix will have a chance to try it out when
they travel.
	―Devonic96, Sep 2015
%
"I for one, like Roman Numerals" is a sentence that describes Roman Numerals
and tells you how I feel about them.
	―wordsandstuffs, Jan 2016
%
If you go North long enough you'll be going South, but if you go West long
enough you'll still be going West.
	―FreeMarijuanas, Oct 2014
%
Why isn't tinder called "eBae"
	―catslovecheese, Mar 2015
%
I turned 40 today. My late father used to tell me, "I'll tell you when you're
40." Today would have been a good day.
	―iam40, May 2015
%
Potholes should be called assholes because of the asphalt
	―thanksbruv, Jun 2015
%
The company Caterpillar should start making airplanes under the name
Butterfly.
	―madbubers, Aug 2015
%
Kim Jong-Un might actually be the fattest guy in North Korea.
	―imaghostmotherfucker, Sep 2015
%
We should call all countries what they call themselves. For example, Americans
should call Germany "Deutschland". Or Japan "Nihon".
	―not-gonna-lurk, Oct 2015
%
As the mom of a 5 year old, I don't understand why all ELI5 answers aren't
"Because I said so."
	―fitbottomedgrl, Nov 2015
%
You never realize how often you use a finger until you have a cut on it
	―Pokenerd_Devon, Oct 2016
%
If a pizza has radius 'z' and a thickness of 'a', then its volume can be
defined as Pi(z*z)a
	―aFPOON, Jan 2015
%
I pay such little attention to usernames on Reddit, that for all I know, the
same five or ten people post every single thing.
	―willdoe17, Mar 2016
%
The difference between being a high school state champion for the 100 meter
dash and being the fastest man on Earth is 1 second.
	―-Lach, Aug 2016
%
From a dinosaur's perspective, we're living in a post-apocalyptic world.
	―neanderhall, Oct 2014
%
Knocking on somebody's door is basically punching their house until they let
you in.
	―Coleman2201, Nov 2014
%
People say cell phones are ruining youth, but youth are reading more then ever
because of them
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
If a 4 year old said ELI5 he or she would sound like a cocky dick
	―rreighe2, Feb 2015
%
I'll throw $3 at a snack, a latte, etc, without even a second thought. But a
$0.99 app? Ouch - lemme think about that and read a dozen reviews...
	―jtoeman, Apr 2015
%
Eating a lollipop is just swallowing your flavored spit
	―IgnUnbeknownst, Jul 2016
%
One of the most unbelievable things about Sponge Bob is that two fry cooks are
home owners.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
Lithium is the worst name for a heavy metal band
	―futt_bucking, Apr 2014
%
Joggers that wear bright neon can run, but they can't hide.
	―TheMillionthSam, Jul 2016
%
What if Mr. Clean is actually a skinhead whose version of clean is really just
ethnic cleansing?
	―ex-istentialism, Aug 2016
%
It doesn't matter how old I get, I'll always look up whenever I hear a
helicopter.
	―enefoo, Sep 2016
%
If everyone stays in character all night, a halloween party is basically a
highly confusing, plotless LARP game
	―[deleted], Oct 2013
%
if I walk west I will always be going west, but if I walk north I'll
eventually be walking south.
	―THMSBRDBR, May 2014
%
If someone is making you dig your own grave, just say no. They are gonna kill
you anyway, why not make them do the work.
	―Insendius, Jan 2015
%
If String Theory is true, and there are an infinite number of realities, could
there be a reality in which String Theory isn't true?
	―Tentaye, Mar 2015
%
If there is an advanced alien civilization reading this that's hiding in order
to prevent "cultural contamination", fuck you.
	―Nulono, Nov 2015
%
Amazon should have "Already bought one" and "Not interested" buttons so the
same products don't follow you around in ads for weeks on end.
	―thegreatestajax, May 2016
%
I am the result of 3,5000,000,000,000 years of things successfully fucking
each other.
	―Chocobo_Eater, May 2016
%
You don't kill time, times kills you.
	―Quadraxus, Apr 2015
%
Landfills are going to intrigue the hell out of archeologists in a couple
million years.
	―branflakes4547, Dec 2015
%
Why are there no medium sized rappers? whats wrong with middle wayne?
	―onefrwar94, Mar 2016
%
If Star Wars actually took place 'a long long time ago, in a galaxy far away,"
we could witness the destruction of the Death Star once the light from that
location got to us.
	―Azunias, Apr 2016
%
I can't believe breakfast cereal companies haven't come up with a better idea
to close their damned cereal boxes.
	―Noderoni, Sep 2016
%
I have never seen a Starbucks commercial
	―CrimsonGuardian, May 2015
%
/r/aww still being up is like your parents getting you a dog to distract you
from their divorce.
	―neosithlord, Jul 2015
%
I live in an era where I'm actually more surprised to hear that two parents
are still together than I am to hear that they're divorced
	―HanakoOF, Oct 2016
%
Reddit should have a 'throwaway bot' where you can PM for it to post on
threads for you anonymously
	―gee842, Jan 2015
%
Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl got really lucky when they named their son Dash
as they had no way of knowing he'd have super speed as a superpower.
	―Dewut, Aug 2015
%
Falling asleep is the best example of "fake it till you make it".
	―felixtre, Jan 2016
%
We make fun of Twitter being 140 chars, but most of Reddit only reads the
title anyway.
	―RoboErectus, Mar 2016
%
Does anyone else find it ironic that Harriet Tubman, a former slave, is going
to be memorialized on a piece of cotton?
	―BigMikeCassel, Apr 2016
%
The fact that the "Age Discrimination in Employment Act" only applies to
people over 40, is itself, age discrimination.
	―phone17, Feb 2015
%
I notice i'm getting older because famous people are getting younger.
	―iusedtolikepokemon, Oct 2016
%
The bulk of people who advocate for "abstinence only" sexual education adhere
to a belief system centered around the idea that a virgin can get pregnant.
	―IntelWarrior, Aug 2014
%
Little Caesar's should offer a 2 for 1 deal on the Ides of March. The slogan
should be "Eat 2, Brute."
	―manic_lethargy, Mar 2015
%
What if the only reason we haven't actually encountered a time traveler is
because this time period is awful and nobody wants to go back to it?
	―craftygnomes, Jun 2013
%
Eyeballs look fucking terrifying, but put it in a socket and dress it up with
some lids and lashes and they become quite pretty.
	―madeyouangry, Sep 2014
%
Bacteria multiply by dividing.
	―Oxidopamine, Jul 2013
%
I could be anyone and you'd have no idea
	―classicnaturaler, Dec 2013
%
Iceland is the best country to be in during a Zombie outbreak. It is an
island, it has a small population, is energy independent, and has volcanoes
for easy corpse disposal.
	―CthulhuBread, Oct 2014
%
Every time you paint a room it gets smaller.
	―Datroof-87, Aug 2015
%
Kleenex and other tissue brands profit from sadness, sickness and masturbation
	―TuckDuckGoose, Oct 2015
%
Getting pissed at a video game is basically like saying "I paid you to
distract me from real life, and you can't even do that right"
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
I wonder how many drugs have failed animal testing, but would have worked in
humans
	―Dabum17, Mar 2016
%
We humans have set up a society in which we require a minimum number of laps
around the sun for a person to drink fermented plant juice.
	―ChildishGravitino, Oct 2016
%
In 6 or 7 years people are going to have to stop referring to the 1920's as
simply "the twenties"
	―Agaeris, Jul 2014
%
Cup holders are just cups for cups.
	―BusinessCasual-, Mar 2015
%
"One mans junk is another mans treasure" would make a good slogan for a gay
pride parade.
	―Murican_Freedom1776, May 2015
%
Learning to code has totally fucked my google search history. For example, "Do
you fork a child before or after you kill the parent?"
	―lllllllillllllllllll, Mar 2016
%
People born in 1969 can't use 69 in their username without people thinking
they're immature teenagers.
	―gufu-, May 2016
%
We should have an 'annual holiday' where we turn off all the lights and look
at the night sky.
	―trance_lovers, Jul 2016
%
"Nice guys finish last" might actually be about sex.
	―faultyface, Oct 2016
%
With Guitar Hero no longer in production, my ability to play the game on
Expert mode is a useless talent I'll never be able to preform again.
	―Divebomb_Dan, Dec 2013
%
Facebook is the refrigerator of the internet. I keep going back to it
expecting something to appear that I'll enjoy.
	―LLment, Apr 2015
%
If US and Russia exchanged few warhead strikes, we could all play Fallout GO.
	―arcticrobot, Jul 2016
%
The other day when Reddit's first post was reposted, it momentarily became the
first and last post on Reddit.
	―[deleted], Jan 2014
%
If Volkswagen was in the cloning industry, their slogan could be "We Double
You". *German Accent*
	―Tunnelofpain, May 2014
%
Text-to-911 should be more widely available, as it allows people to report a
crime without looking suspicious or making a sound.
	―obvious_santa, Mar 2015
%
Half the world is starving and the other half is trying to lose weight.
	―kapre-korn, Jul 2015
%
If you're a generous person that expects nothing in return for your deeds, you
are literally good for nothing.
	―jonvaughn, Aug 2016
%
As someone with depression dying for someone is nothing. Living for someone is
harder than anything.
	―the_swaggin_dragon, Oct 2016
%
masturbating before the internet will become my generation's "walked over 5
miles to school in the snow"
	―redditninemillion, Dec 2013
%
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled on my mouse
	―arithehurricane, Sep 2014
%
If Mike Wazowski opens up a tattoo shop it would be called Monsters Ink
	―supremeeasy, Feb 2015
%
Private school is pay to win IRL.
	―Niall762, May 2016
%
People find it ridiculous that an elephant can be scared of a mouse yet so
many humans are terrified of insects
	―thegypsyslayer, Sep 2016
%
Fat people have more skin, so aren't they actually more skinny than thin
people?
	―bluerabbit10, Oct 2014
%
NASCAR is just advertisements going around in circles.
	―[deleted], Jun 2013
%
Bank robbers probably find out how much money they have stolen by watching the
TV instead of counting it all out.
	―ShamWowTheGreat, Nov 2014
%
Dogs are proof that you can buy friends
	―Adrian_Maurud, Mar 2015
%
Toys R Us should change their mascot from a giraffe to a dinosaur, a
"Toysaurus".
	―efficientlyobvious, Feb 2016
%
If you send out 7000000 text messages from an anonymous source with a unique
lottery number and "FROM YOUR FUTURE SELF", after the draw you will have the
phone number of one rich person who thinks they get messages from the future.
	―smileedude, Jun 2015
%
Piglet was best friends with a tiger and a bear. His anxiety disorders were
completely justified.
	―everybodypantsnow12, Jul 2014
%
I am forever disappointed that a group of squid is not called a squad
	―shazzbarbaric, Mar 2015
%
If I ever open a record store it will be named, "The Vinyl Countdown."
	―nickbrinser, Sep 2015
%
I raise this glass to all unknown time travelers that saved this world
numerous times with no credit for it.
	―showerexpert, Sep 2016
%
If you move your sight from the book you are reading, the story automatically
pauses.
	―fakeyouverymuch, Jun 2015
%
Saying Okay Google is essentially the equivalent of saying Go Go Gadget Phone
	―Thetreyb, Oct 2015
%
If you ever met someone that had the same voice as you, you'd be the only two
people not to realise.
	―NoctusTheOctopus, May 2016
%
I'm a straight female who always goes to the dentist twice a year. At some
point in my life, the amount of time I've spent with dicks in my mouth
surpassed the time I've spent with a dental hygienist in there.
	―dirtygirlscouts, Sep 2016
%
They should charge less for drinks in the drive-thru because you can't refill
them.
	―cassandra55, Sep 2016
%
When a Pop-Up ad appears, not once have I considered using their service
before closing the ad.
	―yoguy2, Oct 2015
%
With every passing second you very slowly move up the leaderboard for oldest
living person.
	―paul193, Jul 2016
%
We think it's socially acceptable to all get together and drink poison on
weekends
	―rychay09, Oct 2013
%
I wonder if I've ever paid with the same note or coin more than once.
	―mjarc, Jul 2014
%
Every morning, you grow one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.
	―Altre_, Sep 2015
%
Camouflage is essentially America's Away colors.
	―clifwith1f, Dec 2013
%
Snakes are free range tentacles.
	―ate2bugz, May 2016
%
I never poke fun a a post with spelling or grammar errors partly because I'm
not a dick and partly because I know my response will without fail have a
spelling of grammar error in it.
	―washheightsboy3, Oct 2016
%
If Star Wars REALLY happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, we
might be able to watch it through a telescope right now or at some point in
the future.
	―lee-harvey-lawlswald, Jul 2013
%
I just realized "discovered" is the negative form of "covered"
	―Piratebay12, Dec 2015
%
People say "national healthcare isn't free, you pay for it with your taxes!"
but they wouldn't say "Going for a walk isn't free, you pay for those roads
and sidewalks with your taxes!"
	―kathrynthenotsogreat, Apr 2016
%
My dog probably thinks that I'm walking around the block alone for 12 hours
while I'm at work.
	―Drew1231, Jul 2016
%
I spend more time at the place that pays me than I do at the place I pay for.
	―Abrahammer4, Jul 2016
%
When you dip a French fry into ketchup you're dipping potato into tomato.
	―[deleted], Jan 2014
%
If you threaten to throw batteries at someone, it's assault. If you hit
someone with a salt shaker, it's battery.
	―jark831, Feb 2015
%
If that shitty charmander stays viral long enough, one day that guy will take
off his shirt and someone will say "I can't believe you got a tattoo of that
shitty charmander from the Internet"
	―Bro-methius, Apr 2015
%
On Facebook users want as many friends as possible so that more people can see
their posts, on reddit users want as few friends as possible because one of
them might see their posts.
	―el_toastradamus, Sep 2015
%
I was born Dec 31st. The world counts the seconds until my birthday is over,
then parties because it's ended.
	―Freadan, Dec 2015
%
No other generation will know the horror of cleaning a mouse ball roller.
	―sawser, Jul 2016
%
In a way, after Darth Vader cut off Luke's hand, he followed it up with "I
fucked your mom."
	―666lucifer, Sep 2016
%
Kissing is making a tunnel anus to anus
	―punken99, Jul 2013
%
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then
one hand that just sits there like, “I don’t know how to hold a pencil."
	―cgallic, Feb 2014
%
I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in
things either.
	―you_irl, Aug 2015
%
When I leave a safe gap in front of me on the road, it's not an invitation for
you to overtake me and fill it.
	―Breeze_in_the_Trees, Aug 2016
%
Every day is 'Bring your kid to work day' if you're pregnant.
	―the_moon_is_shining, Sep 2016
%
The entire point of a bayonet is to bring a knife to a gun fight.
	―djcurlyfries, Oct 2016
%
The second "N" in "peninsula" is the greatest cockblock in the dictionary.
	―the_rabble_alliance, Dec 2014
%
My life must be pretty bad if I'm looking forward to the parts where I'm
unconscious.
	―robotcephalopod, Dec 2014
%
They should take Reddit down for a week and fuck with the internet "Writers"
that steal all their content from it.
	―GlazedReddit, May 2016
%
Hackers have broken this year's biggest stories, while journalists have tried
to cover them up.
	―Squashey, Aug 2016
%
will.i.am's tombstone should say "will.i.was."
	―KirbyKoll123, Sep 2014
%
We use escalators, get fat, and then use Stairmasters
	―CrankRED, Nov 2014
%
I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.
	―Damngoodtacos, Feb 2015
%
There needs to be a reality show like wife swap, but instead, a poor family
switched places with a rich family for at least two weeks.
	―anotherusername79, Aug 2015
%
YouTube shouldn't just show how many views a video has, but the average amount
of time people watch before they click away from it.
	―Akaed, Sep 2016
%
Getting a haircut is like the final boss of making small talk.
	―dancingoppie1223, Oct 2016
%
Whenever I see, "Do Not Use Knife" on a box, what I read is, "Use Knife
Carefully".
	―flyin_lynx, Oct 2016
%
In movie, Wizard of Oz, the Tin Man and Scarecrow could've just killed the
Lion and taken his heart and brain.
	―bobsmith1111, Apr 2014
%
What if Stephen Hawking is really a vegetable, and his computer is an
artificial intelligence?
	―Satansanta94, Dec 2014
%
If Steve Harvey hosts the Oscars next year, Leonardo DiCaprio might stand a
chance to win one.
	―PM_ME_STEAMGAMES_PLS, Dec 2015
%
Let's name the new planet Pluto, and keep going like nothing happened.
	―ChaosHellNewsRadio, Jan 2016
%
The course of human history might be completely different if every man's penis
was exactly the same size
	―sirius4778, Apr 2016
%
After a long road trip, there is a sense of relief once you're back in range
of your radio presets.
	―elevatedsparky, Apr 2016
%
If Jesus was born to a virgin Mary, then he'd only have an X chromosome. That
would make Jesus a female.
	―--_--__--___--, May 2016
%
If "\o/" means 'yay', does "lol" mean 'I surrender'?
	―quasidor, Jun 2016
%
I've developed an intense hatred towards products/companies that force me to
watch 30sec ads on mobile youtube without a 5sec skip. Ad money well spent.
	―sorajima, Oct 2016
%
3 of the 5 senses are acceptable to use to express understanding. You can say
"I hear that!", "I feel you!", or "Oh, I see!", but it's weird if you say "I
smell you" or "I taste that, bro".
	―Fudge_Demon, Feb 2014
%
The only time I ever want to have a penny is to keep from getting more pennies
	―crabbyshellfish, Nov 2015
%
I can't believe DC failed to make a story about a team of human convicts
believable, but I never once questioned Marvel's gods from another world
coming to earth and chilling with a dude who turns green when he gets upset.
	―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016
%
How pissed is the guy who killed 9 people in SC, trying to start a race war,
but instead, ended the Confederate flag as we know it?
	―ChaosHTX, Jun 2015
%
Getting dick pics is like a cat giving you a dead mouse. "I can see you're
proud, but I'm going to throw that away without ever touching it."
	―waldo1478, Oct 2015
%
Humans have become scientifically advanced to the point of engineering 75-ton
planes that fly tens of thousands of feet high. But we're still superstitious
enough to not put the number 13 on them.
	―adeebchowdhury, Jun 2016
%
In the last four days "Grab them by the p***y" has been said more times than
all the other days in history, combined.
	―Unicornpark, Oct 2016
%
Django the bounty hunter killed Samuel L Jackson, but in an alternate universe
Samuel L Jackson killed Jango the bounty hunter.
	―KingShultzIsMyWaifu, Feb 2015
%
When you lose a glove or shoe, there should be a place to donate the remaining
glove or shoe to people with only one limb
	―pablosnazzy, Mar 2016
%
When bored, you open Reddit, see the same stuff you saw an hour ago, close it,
then open it up again. Reddit is like the fridge of the Internet.
	―ManBearPigCereal, May 2016
%
Dogs would feel so betrayed if they ever learned the majority of our short
trips out are to go eat without them.
	―Joshua_Holdiman, Sep 2016
%
Running with scissors and scissoring with runs are both bad ideas.
	―HessesAdventure, Aug 2014
%
The media stopped talking about Ebola as soon as there were no more patients
in the US.
	―RandomUsername1337, Nov 2014
%
I have never seen a Starbucks commercial.
	―MentalUtopia, Mar 2015
%
Kim Kardashian gave birth to Northwest, does that make her vagina the
Northwest Passage?
	―Kirito213, Aug 2016
%
If you saw the world's first zombie in your front yard and killed it to save
humanity, it would just look like you murdered somebody.
	―Kidthulu, May 2014
%
I wonder how much time is left on all the microwaves in the world that were
stopped too early right now
	―kudles, Jul 2015
%
Does anyone else feel like they are just barely smart enough to not be
completely ignorant of how crazy our society is, but too stupid to do anything
about it?
	―MoorDakka, Jun 2016
%
I trust the world so little, I look both ways when crossing a one-way sreet.
	―aceofspadez4790, Jul 2016
%
I'm such a lazy shit that I actively avoid YouTube links on Reddit, because I
don't have time for a video.
	―Wo0dles, Sep 2016
%
Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes,
runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend
it on? Mushrooms.
	―Mustard_sammy, Apr 2015
%
I wish the US would invade the US to build functioning roads and establish a
democracy.
	―king_gick, Apr 2016
%
Saturday is the day you waited six days for just so you could do nothing.
	―mapsmail999, Jun 2016
%
If you were illiterate, alphabet soup would just be noodles.
	―Ibelieveitsbutter, Jan 2014
%
I wonder if people in Mexico ever complain about jobs in America stealing all
their Mexicans.
	―FedoraTipper15, Sep 2015
%
There should be a mode on cell phones where you input how long you need the
battery to last, and the phone will do everything it can to get to that point.
	―iamstarbucks, Jul 2016
%
As I've grown older I've realized that Santa likes rich kids more than
everyone else
	―RKstankypants, Dec 2014
%
Now that I'm an adult, if I ever found a portal to Narnia in my closet I would
probably start storing things in Narnia. I imagine building a large storage
shed on Narnia property. I wonder if zoning would be an issue...
	―bmorebeardly, Jan 2016
%
"Angry Birds" and "Grand Theft Auto" are both about destroying things while
flipping the bird at pigs.
	―ukiyo1, Apr 2016
%
If aliens actually landed, there would be conspiracy theories explaining why
they didn't.
	―whatdoyouwantwarren, May 2016
%
The first tissue in every box should be attached to the cardboard lid so it
pulls out as you open the pack, rather than awkwardly grabbing 3 or 4 tissues
trying to get just one.
	―HeelFromDownUnder, Oct 2016
%
A birth certificate is effectively a baby receipt
	―[deleted], Jul 2014
%
Starting a family is like starting a really big group project.
	―TheEpicEpileptic, Nov 2015
%
Most of the time.. When you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the
time when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time when you're
happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time...
	―ubuntulive, Aug 2016
%
The trunk of an elephant is at the front, the trunk of a tree is in the middle
and the trunk of a car is at the back.
	―CLBUK, Sep 2016
%
Tree houses force trees to hold up the corpses of their fallen brothers and
let children play inside of them.
	―j_birdy, Jul 2013
%
With the advent of the smart phone, I probably learn more on the toilet than
anywhere else in the house.
	―SirWizzleoftheTeets, Dec 2014
%
I'm at the age when having 'an adult night with the husband' means eating
fudgicles on the couch and watching a movie with swear words.
	―NewMaterialOnly, May 2015
%
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
	―tanzmeister, Jun 2015
%
The more you get to know someone, the less you use their name
	―thriftyshane, Nov 2015
%
I'd like to see a Forrest Gump sequel about his incredibly intelligent son,
who has miserable luck and constantly finds himself in bleak situations.
	―Cops_Are_Stupid_Pigs, Jan 2016
%
The ultimate aim of every charity is to close itself down due to it no longer
being needed.
	―Su1cidalduck, Dec 2014
%
I had no involvement in your life at all until you read this sentence
	―captainjoo, Dec 2014
%
Is a subpar golfer good or bad?
	―geeeer, Apr 2015
%
There is nothing more childish than the desire to grow up
	―fireysaje, Apr 2015
%
When the book for a class is written by a professor, it feels like they're
trying to give me their mixtape.
	―Shobzz, Aug 2015
%
Free WiFi would probably be more helpful at a sperm bank than a magazine.
	―Ace_of_Clubs, Oct 2015
%
A poodle is literally a wolf in sheep's clothing.
	―Otaivi, Feb 2016
%
Everyone who said, "long live the queen" didn't think it would actually work
this well.
	―The_Regal_Noble, Apr 2016
%
The US is the world's 'Florida man'.
	―atoddlershothis, May 2016
%
The reason why cartoons took place so early on the weekends was to keep kids
on a school schedule
	―jamjam1090, Oct 2016
%
People in the year 9999 might claim that the Gregorian Calendar ends there and
that Italians predicted that the universe would then end.
	―SYLOH, Jun 2015
%
Batman still lives at home in his parents basement
	―Dolanduck1, Jul 2016
%
If a movie bombs at the box office they should release all the footage to see
if someone could edit together a better movie.
	―TimetravelingGuide, Aug 2016
%
Every time you pull someone out of a car to steal it in videogames, that
person wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
	―Salizmo, Jun 2014
%
There are 492 billionaires in the world. Not one of those losers has become
Batman
	―DarylDixion, Feb 2015
%
Hindus revere cows as being sacred. The rest of the world kills and eats cows
on an enormous scale. No holy war waged, props to them...
	―VonEemsington, Sep 2015
%
It's weird that nipples are the most "obscene" part of the boob when that's
the part everyone has, while the part unique to women, the round squishy part,
is pretty much fair game.
	―newheart_restart, Apr 2016
%
When someone says they've lost 2 or 3 pounds in a short amount of time, I
picture them taking a giant dump and then stepping on the scale in victory.
	―I_was_serious, Sep 2016
%
Babies cry over little things, because everything bad that happens to them, is
literally the worst thing that's ever happened.
	―fukkmedaddy, Oct 2016
%
"you aren't" and "you're not" mean the same thing and use the same words but
have different contractions.
	―Phuffu, Nov 2014
%
So, if there was a Mexican guy with the last name Rita, we would call him
señor Rita
	―raistlinX, Dec 2014
%
being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every
choice sounds terrible
	―Squiddoo, Apr 2015
%
behind every girls selfie is approximately 48 nearly identical photos that
just didn’t cut it.
	―jayzdubz, Sep 2015
%
The wheel that squeaks the loudest gets the grease, but the wheel that squeaks
consistently gets replaced.
	―Cucumber-Salad, Mar 2015
%
Every post on Reddit is NSFW because I'm not supposed to use Reddit at my work
	―Jim-The-Fish, Oct 2016
%
Children are constantly warned not to take candy from strangers except for one
day of the year when they are encouraged to take candy from as many strangers
as possible in an elaborate ritualized and costumed ceremony.
	―maxpowerer, Oct 2016
%
It would be ironic if snake oil was found to be the cure for cancer.
	―-Smacky-the-Frog-, Feb 2015
%
Anne Frank and Martin Luther King Jr. were both born in the same year, yet we
associate them as being in completely different periods in history
	―sweet1337roll, Jun 2015
%
Those who are applying to optometry school for the upcoming year will be the
Class of "2020"
	―Ometrist, Nov 2015
%
Reddit has taught me that my thoughts are unoriginal and I'm not nearly as
funny as I think I am.
	―MediocreManX, Jan 2016
%
If we're going to have private prisons, then the prison companies should be
payed based on how well the prisoners do once they're let out.
	―zamundan, Jul 2016
%
Surely if tomatoes are fruits, then that makes ketchup a jam
	―m_trix, Aug 2013
%
Beavis and Butt-head are known for being 2 of the biggest imbeciles in
society, but in reality they're 2 orphaned teenaged boys trying to finish high
school while maintaining a full time job and paying all their bills/rent.
	―nYc_dIEseL, Jul 2016
%
My reddit account is like my social life, neither of them are popular
	―reno222, Jul 2016
%
If moments of your life really do flash before your eyes when you die, I hope
mine are all my embarrassing moments so I'll be happy I'm dead.
	―StarryEyedLady, Oct 2016
%
If others hear your flatulence, it was so powerful that it caused bones in
their heads to vibrate.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
Someone super famous should do an AMA but not say who they are, see if Reddit
can figure it out.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
I'm still waiting to see the people saying that we shouldn't help the refugees
and instead help the homeless veterans to actually start helping the homeless
veterans.
	―pilgrimboy, Dec 2015
%
Belt loops are like belts for your belt.
	―TheDankyDank, Oct 2016
%
Cake is just gay bread.
	―Anton_Lemieux, Feb 2013
%
I wonder how many of the 2 billion views of Gangnam Style on YouTube are from
people wondering how many views the video has.
	―Gunmoontree, May 2015
%
Stop, Drop, and Roll was always such a big deal as a kid... I really thought
I'd be on fire more than this as an adult.
	―kionae, Jun 2015
%
Every time I read the acronym ROFL, I can't help but imagine Scooby Doo trying
to say waffle.
	―ViewedAskew, Apr 2016
%
Seven has the word 'even' in it. Which is odd.
	―speeder272, Jun 2016
%
There are over 7 billion people in the world and right now, not one of them
can see me.
	―yousmelllikearainbow, Jun 2014
%
No disrespect to Flo, but aren't all guns name your own price tools?
	―MantisToboggan_AMA, Mar 2016
%
"Mac" is an acronym for "Mac and cheese"
	―peatymasta, Oct 2013
%
Horror movies should include a blooper section to help people relax before bed
	―dundizzle, Jul 2015
%
I wonder if George R.R. Martin gets invited to any weddings these days?
	―ekidwell, May 2014
%
My mom can talk to strangers on the street with perfect ease but is suspicious
of strangers on the internet. I am disturbed by the idea of talking to
strangers on the street but have no problem talking to strangers on the
internet.
	―wrestles_bears, Nov 2014
%
When you lose weight, you're less content and more content.
	―SugaryShrimp, May 2015
%
Someone should release a study saying the use of cell phones definitively
causes cancer. Apple and Samsung would probably find the cure for cancer in no
time.
	―kegacide, Jul 2015
%
If a linkin park song plays in the forest and there's no one around to hear
it, in the end, does it even matter?
	―markISsolid, Sep 2015
%
Seven and eleven both have the word even in their names. Yet they are odd
numbers.
	―fucks-not-given, Dec 2015
%
I hope Steve Harvey doesn't announce the powerball numbers.
	―Vladimir_Is_Pootin, Jan 2016
%
I'm not sure if it's a false memory, but I remember climbing across monkey
bars without feeling like my arms were being torn from their sockets.
	―Soultrapped, Mar 2016
%
I wish Netflix and Hulu would tell you how many people at that moment are
watching the exact same thing as you.
	―jackieeeohhh, Apr 2016
%
The moral of the Tortoise and the Hare shouldn't be "slow and steady wins the
race." The Tortoise only won because the Hare kept getting distracted. The
moral should instead be "stay on task."
	―primary868, Jul 2016
%
Say “no” to drugs? It really doesn’t matter what you tell drugs because if
you’re talking to drugs, you’re taking them...
	―Dr_Mphuthi, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if in another 50 years someone will make a romantic drama about a
couple falling in love on 9/11, similar to Titanic
	―GrizzlyOwns, Sep 2016
%
If Oscar the Grouch had a hippie brother he'd live in the recycling bin.
	―Adski673, Apr 2014
%
Someone who refuses a request to join the mile high club doesn't give a flying
fuck.
	―occams_nightmare, Jun 2015
%
A brain transplant would actually be a full body transplant.
	―sisepuede4477, Apr 2016
%
In a decade or two Google Maps could have a "time travel" option where you can
see street views from the past.
	―ReservoirHotdogs, May 2013
%
Saving porn to a usb stick makes it a sex drive.
	―TR4VE, Aug 2014
%
it's funny that EA is making us pay so much on DLC, because their (sports)
slogan is "it's in the game"
	―ythowtoleague, Dec 2015
%
My hope is that Deadpool completely breaks the fourth wall, grabs a boom mike,
and starts beating the hell out of somebody with it.
	―misterorange, Jan 2016
%
"Millennials" is the new way of saying "kids these days"
	―Flawlessnessx2, Sep 2016
%
Neckbeard would be a good name for a famous online software pirate
	―McNastee, May 2015
%
Red Bull and KFC should do a combo deal where if you buy a case of Red Bull,
you get chicken wings for free.
	―ur_mum_was_a_hamster, Apr 2015
%
Holding the power button to shut down your computer feels like you’re choking
someone to death.
	―xMissLovelyLadyLoki, Jul 2015
%
The last four letters in the word 'queue' are not silent; they're just waiting
their turn
	―PokemonRuneScape, Oct 2015
%
I hit snooze to find out how my dream ends, even though I was the one making
it up
	―GeekYogurt, Sep 2013
%
Otters have no fucking idea space even exists.
	―[deleted], Jun 2015
%
Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don't
have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change.
	―Flerin, Oct 2016
%
We've named our entire galaxy after the secretions of a cow's udders.
	―thechevs, Apr 2014
%
We were all one masturbation away from not existing...
	―DuteSier, Jan 2015
%
A meatball is just a baby meatloaf.
	―ScaryBilbo, Jun 2015
%
It's called the 'pilot' episode because they want to see if it takes off.
	―PM_ME_YOUR_DIABBS, Dec 2015
%
If you think about it, a plastic sword is a sword forged by the rotten flesh
of ancient beasts
	―toosah, Mar 2016
%
We milk a cow, and let the milk age to make cheese. Then we use the cheese to
make our cow taste better.
	―Skootchy, Apr 2016
%
You could've possibly avoided future spankings as a child by saying "Spank me
harder, Daddy" after the first one.
	―Mx993kk, Jul 2016
%
The phrase "I never said she licked my asshole" has 7 different meanings
depending on which word you stress
	―DunkingFatMansFriend, Aug 2016
%
The best liar you know, probably isn't the best liar you know.
	―ZappRyder, Aug 2014
%
Lawyers sue and tailors sew but both end up with suits.
	―AssHat014, Sep 2014
%
If I was A teenager I would buy a Burka off the Internet keep it in the trunk
of my car and steal my mother's drivers license. Whenever I want to buy beer
or alcohol I just put the burka on and go into a store and buy it and show
that my mother's ID. They wouldn't ask me to take my burka off.
	―Naptownfellow, Jan 2016
%
The oldest person on earth has been alive for every birthday of every person
in the world
	―SinderellaMan, Jun 2013
%
What if the star wars movies came out 4,5,6,1,2,3 as a Yoda joke?
	―XXXRebel14, Nov 2015
%
I should theoretically be able to tell my girlfriend, an identical twin, that
her sister is bangin'.
	―BabyBelugas, Dec 2015
%
Mountain Dew sounds more like a brand of water than a brand of soda
	―Tzarxum, Mar 2016
%
Many of the people who say they would survive in a horror movie would NOT
survive. Think of all the times you've heard creaks while home alone and kept
browsing the internet like it was nothing.
	―Uber-A, Jun 2016
%
16-year-old me would be totally disappointed by what kind of an adult I am now
	―wrestles_bears, Apr 2014
%
I have twice as many ancestors as my Dad
	―eruditeseattleite, Jul 2014
%
Pregnancy is a sexually transmitted disease, caused by an agressive
single-celled microorganism, feeding upon the host and causing rapid
cell-growth
	―chrowbech, Dec 2014
%
In the span of my lifetime, 5 dollars has gone from being worth 5 roast beef
sandwiches to not even a single subway sandwich.
	―large-farva, Mar 2016
%
People who don't put their dumbbells back on the rack are choosing not to lift
weights at the only time it is expected of them.
	―Hardtopickaname, Jul 2016
%
21 "you're still a kid" 22 "you're still a kid" 23 "you're still a kid" 24
"you're still a kid" 25 "wait, you're not married yet?"
	―literalllyfigurative, Sep 2015
%
If there was an equivalent to Reddit gold where you would pay $5 to ban
someone from a subreddit for a month, it would sell way better than Reddit
gold.
	―Do_Ya_Like_Dags_, Jan 2016
%
Mario Kart should have been named Mario Speedwagon.
	―AtariGraphics, Jun 2016
%
A dentist kills a lion and people lose their heads. We've collectively
destroyed half of the planet's wildlife in the past 40 years and nobody bats
an eyelid.
	―sizzlinsausages, Aug 2015
%
Because of the internet, Ahmed Mohamed actually blew up.
	―rawkus2g, Sep 2015
%
Some people think that calling a bf 'Daddy' is disgusting but calling them
'baby' is ok
	―PM_ME_UR_CUM_VIDS, Aug 2016
%
Most ELI5 posts could be turned into TIL posts if people did a little research
first.
	―johnny_appletits, Apr 2015
%
If 10,000 hours makes you a master shouldn't I be able to sleep well every
night by now?
	―inside_the_boot, Aug 2015
%
I would never pay for reddit gold, but I'd definitely pay a couple bucks to
anti-gild someone to show how much I hate their comment.
	―cmaddog111, Jan 2016
%
If bad luck was real, we would have weaponized it long ago. Releasing black
cats into enemy camps. Dangling massive ladders under planes and flying over
occupied territory. Hiding mirrors under dirt on enemy roads.
	―ThatOneVRGuyFromAuz, Jun 2016
%
The kids in the movie Jumanji didn't know how to play Jumanji. Instead of
rolling the dice and taking turns as fast as possible they sat around waiting
for each turns consequence to unravel.
	―qtg, Jun 2014
%
Isn't the freshness date on the milk carton really a spoiler alert?
	―PublicPool, Apr 2015
%
Does a Columbus Day sale mean that I can just come in your store, kill your
employees, take all your shit, and then claim the place as my own?
	―broletariat_, Oct 2015
%
The first human to watch the sun set probably thought to himself "This is not
good."
	―DimethyItryptamine, Mar 2016
%
Binge watching a TV show for 8 hours is more socially acceptable then playing
a videogame for 2 hours.
	―Dreamlite, Sep 2016
%
Evolution-wise, going out in space might be similar to getting out of the
ocean.
	―eneomaos, May 2015
%
To clean something you must get another thing dirty.
	―vansevs, Jun 2013
%
Our blood type should be printed on our drivers license
	―knads259, Apr 2015
%
If I fuel my car with ethanol, the answer to "is there any alcohol in your
vehicle?" would always be yes
	―superhelical, May 2015
%
Looking back, not buying a high school class ring was a really good financial
move.
	―blackfalcon515, Oct 2016
%
The internet uses many terms relating to water. I can surf the web, stream a
video, or wait until my computer freezes.
	―r_il, Oct 2016
%
Shoes are portable floors.
	―RecordingInProgress, Nov 2014
%
A troll dropping F-bombs in a flame war is not as exciting as those terms make
it sound.
	―Jade_Lance, Jun 2015
%
There should be a charity that works with hospitals and Netflix to give
patients a temporary Netflix subscription while hospitalized
	―BaronVonPoop, Jun 2015
%
Philosophy is like masturbation. It feels great while you're doing it but, it
gets you nowhere, and when you're done there's a bigger mess than when you
started
	―OnlyBADJokes, Jul 2016
%
I'll only rate your app after you've annoyed me enough about it and I need a
place to blow off the steam about how annoying your app reminders are.
	―PM_ME_KITTENS_PLEASE, Jul 2016
%
The man claiming he'll bring jobs back is best known for firing people
	―FuckoffDemetri, Aug 2016
%
Your lips don't touch when you say "touch" but touch when you say "separate".
	―INeedWelfare, Sep 2014
%
Sometimes I wish I was a pet fish, only to experience that moment when it
suddenly starts raining food.
	―GRRM_is_my_mum, May 2015
%
Along with "reddit gold" there should be "reddit bullshit" that you can award
when you really think someone is lying
	―fruityruity, Jun 2015
%
If sex is called Intercourse, shouldn't masturbation be called Intracourse?
	―captmotorcycle, Dec 2015
%
I'm at least two times more likely to view a post that has a NSFW tag.
	―bigtuna7O, May 2016
%
I haven't written the cent symbol (¢) since second grade math class.
	―Filly14, Aug 2016
%
Fewer people have stood in my shower than have been in space.
	―Sinnic, May 2013
%
If my dog has a pill that keeps mosquitos, ticks and fleas away from her for a
month, why don't humans have the same?
	―Lefty76, Jun 2016
%
I wish I could meet everyone born at the exact same time as I was and compare
each of our lives up to this point.
	―trance_lovers, Jul 2016
%
Slow wifi pisses me off more than not having wifi at all
	―Imjustmisunderstood, Aug 2016
%
The definitions of "man" and "human" should be swapped, so that "man" means
all of us, and then the sub types of man are wo-man and hu-man.
	―magicaxis, Apr 2014
%
Telling women to cover themselves to avoid rape is like telling people to
build a simple-poor looking house to not get robbed.
	―makantidur95, May 2016
%
Dragons would think its cool that we create water in our mouths.
	―trance_lovers, Jul 2016
%
Instagram would be a good name for a weed vending machine.
	―rbenayad, Mar 2015
%
Because telescopes work using mirrors, we will never know if space is full of
space vampires.
	―booksandflowers, Apr 2016
%
At some point in the future, some parents are going to walk in on their kid
masturbating while immersed in VR, and he's just going to keep going.
	―tyson1988, May 2016
%
chocolate lava cake is still only chocolate magma cake until you start eating
it.
	―theBaconBadger, Oct 2016
%
I can tell how productive I was, at work, by how much battery my cell phone
has left when I leave.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
If you put the word anal in front of most Ford vehicle names, it's hilarious.
	―physicalcliff, Jan 2015
%
Maybe I've always felt pain 100 times worse than everyone else, I'm just
unknowingly the world's toughest badass.
	―Chwana, Sep 2015
%
My 6yo, already a hardcore gamer, has learned to associate the word "boss"
with something blatantly evil, incredibly powerful and something you must
destroy in order to get ahead...
	―indicava, Oct 2015
%
The song "happy birthday" doesn't have any verbs.
	―fake_plants, Dec 2015
%
Religion is like the world's longest game of "telephone'
	―Cl0s3tStoner, Mar 2016
%
The best way to ruin a moment is to try and capture it
	―SmackEh, Apr 2016
%
Chinese tourists travel abroad and buy souvenirs made in China.
	―Porcelaindahl, Jul 2016
%
Keyboards should have a removable crumb tray like toasters so you can get all
that gunk out.
	―witchsbrew, Oct 2014
%
With the amount of "stop, drop, and roll" education I received growing up, I
kinda thought catching on fire would be a more common problem as an adult.
	―fdubzou, May 2015
%
"Slut" is an anagram of "lust"
	―teddy098, Oct 2013
%
I'd pay a lot of money to see a "narration battle" between Morgan Freeman,
Mike Rowe, James Earl Jones, and Sam Elliott
	―ZeusThunder369, Nov 2015
%
In less than 72 hours, Niantic has turned all of our sophisticated smartphones
back into Gameboy Colors.
	―sadscumclub, Jul 2016
%
Benjamin Button was born a baby sized old man, so it doesn't make sense he
died as a regular baby. He should have been an old man sized baby.
	―kdubs412, Oct 2016
%
There should be an American Idol for new TV shows, where we get to vote for
the shows we want to see developed based off of pilot episodes.
	―Oats4days, May 2015
%
The Leaning Tower of Pisa in ITALY is ITALICISED
	―PoppyLam15, Oct 2015
%
Instead of being a reporter shouldn't superman have been a doctor as clark
kent? Then he could secretly use his x-ray vision to find tumors and cancers
and save more lives!
	―guitarium, Jul 2016
%
We have two minutes to live but breathing resets the clock.
	―160regiment, Oct 2016
%
FedEx should hire DMX for a series of commercials. He could sing X-Gon' Give
it to Ya while he's delivering packages door to door.
	―NsRhea, Aug 2014
%
If God orchestrated evolution, then he went through a phase playing with
dinosaurs
	―pancake17, May 2015
%
I go on Facebook to see stupid comments from people I know and I go on Reddit
to see smart comments from strangers.
	―Dillathon, Aug 2015
%
Some day soon in the future when we have free wifi everywhere, there are going
to be hipster cafés offering wifi free zones.
	―nononononookyes, Oct 2015
%
The people that design bills/coins (dollar, euros etc.) are paid with their
own work.
	―Thaenor, Jan 2015
%
Police officers should wear red and blue light up shoes for when they chase
people on foot.
	―Hamhoos, Mar 2015
%
We really gave Bruce Almighty a pass when he yanked the moon closer to the
earth and inadvertently killed of millions of people with tidal floods.
	―caesar315, Oct 2016
%
Please don't create a twitter account that tweets these posts, we don't want
this sub to get flooded with teenagers.
	―Enjoiiiii, Oct 2013
%
People who are just now discovering Reddit must be really confused
	―TrueBlue41, Jul 2015
%
If you lived at 123 Fake St, no one would ever believe you.
	―nerga, Apr 2016
%
"Literally" has become the new "totally" among the new generations
	―wtfreakx, Aug 2016
%
Netflix should have an "I'm feeling lucky" button that shows a random movie/TV
show
	―Pm-me-your-pineapple, Aug 2014
%
Ginger was the only true Spice girl
	―WearItLikeArmor, Mar 2015
%
Sir Ian McKellen is literally a gay lord.
	―Algaroth, Oct 2015
%
Whenever someone says their zodiac sign is enough to describe them on its own,
it is. But probably not for the reason they think.
	―Bebhead, Feb 2016
%
The world needs a "bullshit blocker" app that automatically removes Facebook
posts already debunked by Snopes.
	―MartyMcFly7, Mar 2016
%
Millions of people have searched for "pitbull" and then "pitbull dog".
	―cryingblackman, Apr 2016
%
Getting out a piece of paper while doing calculations is basically getting
your brain extra RAM
	―Lollecoaster, Sep 2016
%
"Fuck the Police" would be the perfect name for a cop dating site
	―dbrank, Dec 2014
%
Timmy Turner turned 23 yesterday. That means he's old enough to have kids who
have fairy godparents.
	―zeppelin1234, Mar 2015
%
If Netflix really wants people to stop sharing accounts and pay individually,
they should just start offering porn
	―the_mystery_snail, Mar 2016
%
There should be bloopers at the end of horror films to relax the viewer before
sleeping.
	―xZEEFx, Sep 2016
%
Somewhere in the world, there is a specific location where I'm going to
die... I wonder how many times I've been there..
	―Nope__Nope__Nope, Jun 2014
%
There should be a dating site called eBae
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
A reality show in which CEOs have to live off their lowest paid employee's
salary for a month.
	―cowboy_dan505, Sep 2015
%
Reddit contains things I care about from people I don't care about. Facebook
contains things I don't care about from people I care about.
	―Team2342hp, Mar 2016
%
Companies should hire viners to make 6 second long ads on youtube.
	―zenco25, May 2016
%
Everything on earth is either a banana or not a banana.
	―Jackpot09, May 2016
%
If you pay for something entirely with pocket change, it kinda feels like it
was free.
	―gremlinclr, Jul 2016
%
Universities should be free upfront and take 10% of your earnings for the
first 10 years of your career. So they would be motivated to teach you useful
stuff.
	―JesseIMcLennan, Sep 2016
%
Now that I'm a parent I realize that my parents always wanted me to go to bed
early because they wanted to go to bed early...
	―HoppingRaptor, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if Dogs bark inside their heads, like we speak inside ours..
	―cmf8, Oct 2016
%
Butt dial and booty call are so similar, but so different
	―SSSFMaster, Jul 2014
%
Another name for cocktail sauce is dickbutt sauce
	―dcouncil, Jan 2015
%
Next time someone invents something important, name it something that rhymes
with orange and put poets out of their misery.
	―AWeezer, Sep 2015
%
I'm friends on Facebook with someone I share a full name with. When he posts a
status that none of his friends like, I should like it so all his Facebook
friends think he liked his own status since no one else would.
	―DrJohnCena, Oct 2015
%
It's stupid to say you were "born in the wrong generation of music." Music
from the past is more accessible now than it was during the time period.
	―You_coward, May 2016
%
It's probably good Harambe was shot - "dicks out for dead kids" really
wouldn't get the same sort of support.
	―HerrDoktorLaser, Sep 2016
%
You could create a company called "The Leading Brand" to screw with
commercials.
	―PM_ME_STORY_IDEAS, Jul 2014
%
If you yell out "God is great!" at an airport, the outcome can be very
different depending on what language you use.
	―chyaos, Nov 2015
%
If there ever was a nuclear war, I'd want the results to be less Fallout 4 and
more Adventure Time
	―inform880, Dec 2015
%
"CTRL+Z" would be a good brand name for morning after pills.
	―wee_froggy, May 2016
%
From the viewpoint of the Simpsons characters, Itchy And Scratchy has
hyperrealistic animation.
	―UltraCow1, May 2014
%
Today I looked down and could see my chest actually move a little bit from my
heartbeat. Being alive is pretty interesting when you stop to actually look at
it.
	―IceArrows, Nov 2014
%
If I can't have peanuts on an airplane, then you should have to vaccinate your
stupid fucking kids.
	―kosecki, Feb 2015
%
Guns are basically just an advanced way for people to throw rocks at each
other.
	―Hobosock, Aug 2013
%
Remember 100 years ago when owning a horse was commonplace but owning a car
was a luxury? Now it's reversed.
	―lordpond, Jul 2014
%
I should start a magazine called Alzheimer's weekly where the same magazine is
published every week.
	―wubbbalubbadubdub, Aug 2015
%
At one point in out lives we became self aware, but we were too young to
understand the gravity of that event.
	―WhatTheWhoAmI, Jan 2016
%
In 2015, not only will we have pi day, the year at the end will make the date
say "3-14-15". Plus, there will be one fleeting moment at 9:26 where the
decimal places of the seconds will make the next infinite digits of pi, to go
with the time and date. And it will happen twice on the same day.
	―9315808, Nov 2014
%
I should start a band that does country versions of U2 songs and call it
Y'all2.
	―jayceay, Jun 2015
%
Mitt Romney is like the villain in season 1 that was defeated by the main hero
and is now returned in season 2 as the Antihero on the good guy's team to help
defeat the real villain
	―UBRS, Mar 2016
%
A receipt is like an obituary for my money
	―thesongofmyppl, May 2016
%
In reality, most "90's kids" are actually nostalgic for the early 2000's.
	―floopykid, Aug 2016
%
I think of public toilets as dirty but really they get cleaned far more
frequently than my toilet at home.
	―buzzjimsky, Oct 2016
%
Salt is just a rock that we find tasty.
	―Darklicorice, Jul 2013
%
If you get straight to the point, you are described as blunt.
	―I_Touch_Myself_A_Lot, Oct 2014
%
NSFL shouldn't be just a hyperbolic version of NSFW. It should go like this:
NSFW for sexy stuff, NSFL for death and/or gore-related content. Every time I
see the NSFW tag I'm like "cool, boobs" and then BOOM... dead body.
	―Honka_Honka, Jan 2015
%
Everyone tells teenagers that they don't know what love is. But everyone wants
to feel like a teenager when they fall in love.
	―kylar505, May 2015
%
My mom is literally a bodybuilder.
	―eLEETEST_H4X02, May 2015
%
what if condoms had temporary tattoos on the inside so like when you rolled
off the condom there was a picture of a dinosaur on your dick
	―DirtyD_InTheMorning, Aug 2015
%
Salty has replaced bitter as the flavor of being upset.
	―thejellydude, Dec 2015
%
If a toy from Toy Story died, the kids wouldn't know, and the other toys would
have to watch the kids play with their corpses.
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
You'll know your English is really good when people you meet stop saying that
your English is really good.
	―danpetrovic, Jun 2016
%
My lips don't touch when I say, "touch" but they do when I say, "separate"
	―UsernameNumber6, Jun 2016
%
The flowers in my vase are just plants on life support.
	―Cocoyster, Oct 2016
%
If the 9/11 attacks had instead occurred on April 20th, nobody would ever say
"4/20 blaze it"
	―AWildHipsterAppears, Dec 2013
%
Is gay marriage legal during the purge?
	―I_Sell_Moon_Rocks, Jul 2014
%
Shaving your head is the "You can't fire me because I quit" approach to male
pattern baldness.
	―DeathStarDriveBy, Mar 2014
%
Are the people who don't signal on the road also the kind of the people who
have communication issues in their own lives?
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
I literally cannot come up with a better business partnership than putting
McDonalds in Walmart
	―CockOfTheRock, Feb 2015
%
Mars would have a totally new set of world records.
	―AYOPM_ME_DEM_TITTIES, May 2015
%
People who have Celiac disease must be super grateful for all the hipsters
that only pretend to be gluten free, because their food options have expanded
rapidly over the last few years
	―FlackJacket, Nov 2015
%
When you turn 30, you'll have lived about a full month of your life as your
birthday.
	―yesitsnicholas, Jan 2016
%
Telling a girl to calm down is like baptizing a cat
	―BookerGinger, Mar 2016
%
I have a weird grudge against stingrays ever since one killed Steve Irwin.
	―Land-Stander, Sep 2016
%
Killing one bird with one stone seems hard enough
	―r_il, Oct 2016
%
Coffins are just fancy trash cans for people
	―vndrewcharles, Apr 2016
%
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
	―northwitch, Sep 2016
%
If I could swap the urge to masturbate and the urge to work out I could be
competing in World's Strongest Man by next Tuesday
	―ClintBe4stwood, Oct 2016
%
Every time the Bayer family took Aspirin, they got a taste of their own
medicine.
	―Indestructavincible, Apr 2015
%
Never is a shortened version of "not ever"... i feel like I am supposed to
have known this...
	―razorphone, Sep 2016
%
Youtube should add a feature whereby a bar shows the viewer the average time
previous viewers made it through the video
	―betathanyours, Jul 2014
%
I wonder if my cat thinks my plant did something wrong when I mist it with a
spray bottle
	―randomhoneyballs, Aug 2014
%
We call people assholes,dicks and pussies but nobody call each other nipples
	―MacDaddy916, Nov 2014
%
The game "Kiss, Kill, or Marry" could also conceivably be called "Fork, Knife,
or Spoon"
	―patrickoriley, Dec 2015
%
I think the first person to have a mohawk hairstyle was just trying to even up
his sideburns and got carried away
	―ottguy42, Jun 2016
%
The older I get, the more I think a mostly boring life (i.e., drama-free,
routine, calm) life is very much underrated.
	―YodaLisa, Jul 2016
%
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by
intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..
	―FourWordReplies, Oct 2016
%
This is the only subreddit where it pretty much requires that you were naked
when thinking of a post, but the post has nothing to do with you being naked.
	―MasterJuanB, May 2013
%
If you're an interracial couple that's into S&M, I bet it's really hard to
avoid painful historical allegories.
	―ReluctantRedditor275, Sep 2013
%
What if the perfect crime actually has been committed, and no one ever heard
about it because it was perfect.
	―FrodoSwagginz, Nov 2013
%
The news starts with someone saying "Good evening", and then giving reasons as
to why it's not.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
If Digg had used Reddit's "Gold" System, users could have been Gold Diggers.
	―a_rabid_squirrel, Jul 2015
%
Out of all the graffiti I've seen in my life I've never actually seen someone
doing it.
	―AltairEgos, Jan 2016
%
In the 24 hour clock, 24 hours is never displayed.
	―Lanadre, Apr 2016
%
The Miis on your Wii have been standing in a completely empty room for years
now.
	―makehappyy, Oct 2016
%
Air Force training should be called Air Conditioning.
	―enchiladagram, Apr 2014
%
if dicks shrunk for lying (instead of noses growing), then the world would be
a lot more honest
	―throwawayofaperson, Mar 2015
%
The Steam Summer Sale, is like the opposite of piracy. Instead of playing
games you'll probably never pay for, you pay for games you'll probably never
play.
	―Resentful_Toucan, Jun 2016
%
Nothing compares to the anxiety you have when your mom leaves you in the
cashier line at the grocery store to go get more food and doesn't come back in
time when its your turn
	―flamexdz, Sep 2016
%
We live in a society so selfish that people get offended FOR other people so
they get attention
	―One_pop_each, Sep 2016
%
Does anybody else randomly zones out while reading, coming up realizing you
don’t know what happened in the last two paragraphs?
	―dumbostrich, Oct 2016
%
Baby-boomers have become the people that they protested against in the 60s
	―punkfiveo, Jan 2016
%
U2 were able to get on to everyone's iPhones, but the FBI cannot.
	―imstaceysdad, Feb 2016
%
Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wear masks? Are they afraid that
someone will discover their actual identities... giant muscular bipedal
turtles?
	―JustDudeStuff, Aug 2016
%
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia should do a crossover episode with Bar
Rescue
	―kirbstomp4, Jan 2015
%
Having "active shooter" drills in schools is teaching your shooters where
you'll be hiding.
	―9thjames, Dec 2015
%
Humans can literally look at invented squiggles on a screen, hear the sound
each squiggle represents, combine those sounds in their heads to form a story,
analyse the stories to understand their meanings, and then feel some form of
emotional response all so we could shitpost on Reddit.
	―Wasabi69, Dec 2015
%
Because of time zone differences, New Year's eve day is like people doing "the
wave" on a global scale.
	―le_reddit_armi, Dec 2015
%
Is it "milk them for all they're worth" or "milk them for all their worth?"
	―idekmanidk, Aug 2016
%
I can tell that I just Googled a stupid question when Yahoo Answers is one of
the top hits.
	―Apoplexy__, Jun 2015
%
If you're ugly, fat and not a talkative person, people will think you're
odd. If you're good looking, fit and not a talkative person, people will find
you mysterious.
	―[deleted], Nov 2015
%
Ever consider how weird emojis are? As a civilization, we've spent thousands
of years refining the craft of the written word, then one day someone's like:
you know what we really need? Hieroglyphs.
	―solounhombre, Dec 2015
%
The number of people who are older than you will never increase, but is
constantly decreasing.
	―MajorLeagueGreg, Jul 2016
%
I wonder how many times I walked past or made small talk with someone who was
on their way to murder someone.
	―yarrpiracy, Nov 2013
%
Saying "I think outside the box" is using a tired, worn-out cliche to claim
you are an original thinker.
	―anotherbeersalesman, Nov 2014
%
The Cheez-It wheel is a genius. By acting immature he will never be ground up
and turned into cheese snacks.
	―KaptainKoala, Nov 2014
%
"Queue" is just "Q" followed by 4 silent letters.
	―SkyeAuroline, Jan 2015
%
Sniffing every tree and lamppost on our morning walk is my dogs equivalent of
me checking social media after I wake up.
	―alldryanddusty, May 2015
%
If an angel were to come speak to me, I'd be more convinced I had
schizophrenia than that God existed.
	―psychyness, Jul 2015
%
Someone should start a knockoff electric car company called "Edison" where
they rebrand and resell Teslas
	―mwhaskin, Oct 2015
%
I would be significantly more productive if experience points popped up every
time I completed a task/activity
	―BionicHawki, May 2016
%
If I were to kill someone that I really hated I would cremate them and plant
their ashes with a tree. Then several years later I'll burn down the tree and
kill that person again.
	―Sham129, Jul 2016
%
Rednecks wear mullets so they don't get their necks red
	―aMgWell, Aug 2016
%
I've lived my entire life only 10 miles from outer space but I've never been
there.
	―Eyelemon, Aug 2015
%
Kids are going to start assuming that the phrase "twiddling your thumbs" means
messing around on your phone.
	―ldsuckers, Dec 2015
%
If they ever make Star Wars prequels that turn out to be terrible, I'm just
going to forget that they ever happened.
	―chinagreenelvis, Jun 2016
%
If a Redditor created their account on February 29th, does the Cake Day icon
only appear every 4 years?
	―theslothoverlord, Aug 2014
%
Dumbledore should really do background checks before hiring new professors.
	―Zenguard, Jul 2015
%
I've seen far more people be offended by 'Happy Holidays' than 'Merry
Christmas.'
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
It's kinda nuts that a 5 billion year old thermonuclear reaction 30 million km
away can burn you while you mow the lawn.
	―Wynward, Jun 2016
%
Life is free to play, and it's also pay to win.
	―ben_uk, Jun 2014
%
The reason Patrick Star is oblivious to everything is because he literally
lives under a rock
	―highhoping, Aug 2014
%
Every time you paint a room, it becomes smaller. Every time you paint an
object, it becomes larger.
	―Gergs, Mar 2015
%
None of your direct ancestors died a virgin.
	―supersynthetic, May 2015
%
I'm just glad that milk doesn't have any pulp.
	―texastruhbles, May 2015
%
Your ass is your leg's shoulder
	―chapelhillkid, Oct 2015
%
There should be a technology subreddit called explainitlikeimseventy
	―FourArmz, Dec 2015
%
I've never once been offered free drugs by a stranger, even though I was told
this would be a common threat.
	―IM_THE_MOON_AMA, Jun 2015
%
Pulled hamstrings sound delicious if you don't know what they are.
	―ozconsoul, Jan 2016
%
If OJ Simpson never knifed his wife, Rob Kardashian and his demon spawn would
be completely irrelevant.
	―xpanicked, Mar 2016
%
I don't need to check Reddit every day - if I miss a popular post, I'll see it
again in a few months.
	―discard22616, Apr 2016
%
You can't actually bite down. You can only bite up.
	―Glaive77, Sep 2016
%
Every time a celebrity dies, there's somebody racing to Wikipedia to edit "is"
to "was" on their page.
	―gordie44, Oct 2016
%
If we invent time travel, we could theoretically use it to preserve food. Your
refrigerator would suspend food in time instead of keeping it cool.
	―flylikeaturkey, Sep 2013
%
/r/ShowerThoughts is great because it doesn't require me to click on anything
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
When a watch battery dies, it records the time of its own death.
	―TARDIS_Salesman, Oct 2015
%
Psy's "Gangam Style" has been watched on Youtube 2,281,389,041 times. This is
the equivalent of 18,000+ YEARS lost from the collective human species because
of Psy.
	―bisepost, Mar 2015
%
When I open the fridge, I am not checking if there's food: I'm checking if I'm
desperate enough to actually prepare the plentiful food I have.
	―YankeeMinstrel, Sep 2016
%
People who abstain until marriage because of the Bible are cockblocked by some
dudes from 3000 years ago
	―zfrye0, Jul 2015
%
As a kid, I thought "Stop, drop and roll" was going to be a much more
important part of my adult life than it turned out to be.
	―Ninjamin_King, Jan 2016
%
"I wish my net worth goes down by $0.01" is the only guaranteed wish from a
fountain.
	―TwoSaladsPlease, Jun 2016
%
Life has gotten way easier for horses in the last century
	―PatAunces, Sep 2014
%
If you're ever in a burning building, take the elevator. The fire will not be
expecting that.
	―shadow__creator, Dec 2014
%
Kids do without thinking, adults think wothout doing.
	―shady_cucumber, May 2015
%
People who don't use their blinkers must be horrible in relationships because
they can't even communicate a simple thought with a light.
	―NW_Green, Jun 2016
%
If I were a dentist, I would probably not recommend the best toothpaste
	―send_me_boob-pics, May 2016
%
Google is better at searching reddit than reddit's own search engine
	―mead93, Jun 2016
%
Dating in your mid 20's: Finding a girl with no kids is as hard as finding a
guy that doesn't live with his parents.
	―dunchooby, Aug 2016
%
The vast majority of toilet paper is either used to wipe the part of your body
that smells or the part of your body that smells.
	―El_Poeta_No, Aug 2016
%
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
	―Icame2dropbombs, Jan 2015
%
In the Lion King, Simba sings, "I Just Can't Wait to Be King" with surprising
enthusiasm, considering the primary mechanism by which princes become kings.
	―skepticaljesus, Aug 2015
%
As a teenager, you look for every excuse to drive. As an adult, you look for
every excuse not to drive.
	―Barvoucher, Apr 2016
%
You're not completely useless, you can be used as a bad example.
	―EXCELON-JE, Jul 2016
%
A bathtub is the opposite of a boat.
	―jabraunlin, Nov 2014
%
Why didn't Jennifer Aniston's nipples ever win an Emmy Award for their role in
the TV show "Friends" ? They were in nearly every episode and always gave a
solid performance.
	―Cropgun, Apr 2015
%
Victoria should do an AMA explaining why she was let go
	―Kresbot, Jul 2015
%
If I say a word that isn't in the dictionary and another person understands
what I mean, but tells me that is not a word, they are holding back the
progression of language.
	―Wait__Whut, Feb 2016
%
When you lay awake at night, your brain is that one guy at the sleepover that
all the other organs wish would shut up and go to sleep.
	―jackleinmark, Aug 2016
%
How I Met Your Mother is the longest Ted talk.
	―WeGottaGoFast1138, Aug 2016
%
Your anus can release material all three states of matter. Solid, liquid, gas.
	―cupboard1, Sep 2016
%
Halloween is the worst day to severely cut your face or hurt yourself.
	―yaknowsllanos, Oct 2015
%
If you show up to the office with a new suit and suitcase, you look like a
professional. If you show up to a construction site in new clothes and tools,
you look like the inexperienced newbie
	―RockLeePower, May 2016
%
If a rabbit was a pokemon, it's evolution would be a kangaroo.
	―Paddybdd, Dec 2014
%
Buck and doe are both terms for deer. Buck and dough are both terms for cash.
	―smallpoint1, Sep 2016
%
Drier sheets are the bay leaves of laundry
	―AJNoel, Mar 2014
%
I should invent a new beer and call it 'Responsibly' so that you could drink
as much of it as you want and you would still be drinking responsibly. And the
other beer companies would help me with advertising by constantly advising
their customers to drink responsibly.
	―jopeylo, Aug 2014
%
If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be
asking people why they were giving me dollars.
	―_Polite_as_Fuck, Jul 2015
%
Google has been doing the largest AMA in history.
	―[deleted], Sep 2016
%
It is 2016 and I can now send messages on the iPhone with balloons, GIFs,
"invisible ink", etc, but I can't bold, italicize, or underline a word.
	―dzcurly, Oct 2016
%
Urban Dictionary will someday be a valuable resource to anthropologists
studying the 21st century
	―Lonelyshoelace, Oct 2016
%
"United States of America" is an anagram for "I use fears to dictate man."
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
Schrödinger's Redditor: A Redditor who is both a male and a female, until the
moment they reveal their gender to you.
	―bertonomus, Jun 2015
%
Our sun is part of a constellation that we are unaware exists
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
Women in porn love cumshots because it means their shift is over...
	―Andrew6, Mar 2016
%
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself when he is ironing
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
If Bruce Willis dies from Viagra overdose, the headline will read "Bruce
Willis Dies Hard."
	―kachumbar, Jul 2016
%
On internet people don't want to hear your opinion. They just want to hear you
saying their opinion.
	―SamwiseGamegeeTheFag, Sep 2016
%
Your outdoor cat might have another owner
	―yegor3219, Dec 2014
%
Most of my friends with detailed plans on how they’d survive a zombie
apocalypse lose their shit when a small insect enters the room.
	―NoTalentUK, Jul 2015
%
It sucks when I read read as read and not read, so I have to re-read read as
read so I can read read correctly and it can make sense...
	―AvoidMySnipes, Aug 2016
%
If you enjoy having sex with transient homeless people, you're a hobosexual.
	―ReluctantRedditor275, Nov 2013
%
The closest I have come to murder is holding my cookie in my milk until the
bubbles stop
	―ihalpk, Mar 2016
%
Dishwasher racks are perfectly designed to hold certain sized dishes and cups
I've never owned in my lifetime.
	―mrglubglub, May 2016
%
The best/worst part of dreaming is that first fifteen seconds after waking up,
when you frantically worry "What am I going to do with all those giraffes and
meth?" only to slowly realize it's not an actual problem.
	―trostlerp, Jul 2016
%
Learning "Eye of the Tiger" on guitar is the only time you'll have montage
music while you're learning something.
	―funatronicsblake, Jul 2016
%
The part of a man's body where the inner thighs meet the crotch should be
called "cockpits"
	―c0r0nawlime, Nov 2014
%
Everyone gets three random wishes granted in his or her lifetime, but almost
all of them are wasted on things like "I wish this light would turn green,
already!" or "I wish it would stop raining."
	―ghoti00, Apr 2014
%
When uneducated Muslims in the Middle East see pictures of KKK members, do
they think it's a group of women?
	―reediculus1, Jul 2014
%
When I was younger taking selfies meant you were a loser who didn't have any
friends to hold the camera for you.
	―RinRehlert, Feb 2015
%
It would be cool if Google could identify nature sounds the same way it does
with songs and shows (like Shazam). That way we could know which animal or
insect is making whichever noise we hear.
	―MunkyPhuck, Apr 2015
%
I'm constantly torn between not wanting to die alone and generally wanting to
be left alone.
	―Dodgeriscool, Sep 2015
%
"Crunchyroll" (the anime streaming service) should come out with a hentai
service called "Spicyroll".
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
The board game Life should have a third route to take at the beginning called
"Thug life" but it's not up the the player if they go or not.
	―Papa_Long_Dong, Mar 2016
%
Google Street View Should Have A "Time Travel" Feature So That Future
Generations Can See What Places Looked Like In The Past.
	―overzealoushobo, Jun 2016
%
Laugher is the best medicine, but if you're laughing for no apparent reason,
you need medicine.
	―IHaveNoUsernaemIdeas, Jul 2016
%
Nature Valley bars make so many crumbs because they want you to eat them
outside.
	―LawrenceThickweiner, Apr 2014
%
If I live to be 113 I will have been a teenager twice.
	―TravisG15, May 2015
%
Microsoft would be a horrible name for a brand of condoms.
	―Omahahasob, Aug 2015
%
I like to imagine that Satan has this adorable goat pen out back where he
lovingly tends to all the goats that have been sacrificed to him.
	―freeflyrooster, Jun 2016
%
There should be an app that claims to detect pregnancies, just to see how many
girls piss on their phones
	―MoonManMooningMan, Nov 2015
%
Halloween is a great day to be a burglar. You can dress in all black, wear a
mask, and carry your loot around in a sack with a dollar sign on it.
	―the_y_of_the_tiger, Oct 2014
%
If I used the term "Walmart sized people", you'd know exactly who I was
talking about.
	―XBOXeiner, Dec 2015
%
As a guy I sometimes wish someone would ask me "Does the carpet match the
drapes?" So I can tell them there is no carpet only hard wood.
	―Tman972, May 2016
%
The only reason celebrities always tell people to "follow their dreams" is
because they're part of the small percentage of people for whom that actually
worked.
	―probably_not_serious, Aug 2016
%
I wonder if the rate of crime drops drastically when it rains
	―amukay, Jul 2014
%
I just realized I prefer Reddit to Facebook. This means I'm more interested in
what strangers have to say, rather than my friends.
	―cats_lasers_reddit, Nov 2014
%
They *should* make another "Taken" movie, about Liam Neeson's character being
under-appreciated for trying to keep his family safe. "Taken 4: Granted"
	―hgbleackley, Feb 2015
%
Oil is created from the remains of death. We've pumped death out of the
ground, powered our society by it, and with the subsequent climate change,
that death is slowly killing the society/environment.
	―icaaryal, Mar 2016
%
If you treat sick animals, you may be considered a veterinarian. If you fought
for Germany in WWII, you may be considered a veteran Aryan.
	―stayhungry-stayfree, Oct 2016
%
If you replace the "W"in Where, What and When with a "T" you answer the
question.
	―t0pax, Oct 2016
%
What if Morpheus was a drug dealer, the pill was a psychedelic, and the whole
movie was just Neo tripping the fuck out
	―laibok, Oct 2014
%
Uber should have a service called Muber, which has drivers with big cars who
are willing to help you carry stuff and move.
	―Gringou, Aug 2015
%
If a bartender can refuse to serve alcohol to someone who is intoxicated, for
reasons of not being an accessory to furthering their inebriation to dangerous
levels. Shouldn't employees at fast food chains be able to do the same when
they have customers that could be on the show "My 600 lb Life"?
	―Leoric56, Mar 2016
%
I don't mind advertisements at the beginning of porn videos, as it provides me
with a final opportunity for emergency volume adjustment.
	―Frosty-the-hoeman, Jun 2016
%
I'm so used to Reddit that when I visit Facebook I get pissed when I can't
down vote a comment.
	―disastermaster254, May 2015
%
What if every time you choke on air it's actually a ghost penis?
	―sabineastroph, Nov 2015
%
Because of incessant advertising, most American 10 year olds have heard of
Erectile Dysfunction.
	―xnoonex, Dec 2015
%
If you care for a chicken, you are literally a chicken tender
	―TUR_turkey_KEY, Apr 2016
%
If I was a writer or producer for a tv show, I would end every season/break
with a cliffhanger, and go spend a couple days on reddit. Cause reddit really
does have better ideas than most writers in Hollywood.
	―BigGeorge6953, Apr 2016
%
Mr. Crocker from Fairly Odd Parents never gives a lesson, just constant pop
quizzes on stuff he never taught.
	―Mutant_Llama1, Aug 2016
%
Ideally my car will never touch another car. If cars were living beings they
would be super lonely.
	―AshenUrsa, Sep 2016
%
If Dwayne Johnson has a son he should call him "The Pebble"
	―JamoJustReddit, Oct 2013
%
I bet Pokémon Go will eventually turn into an advertising platform, selling
"ads" to local businesses by placing rare Pokémon at their location
	―ibelikepablo, Jul 2016
%
Having an IQ of just above average is the worst. You're smart enough to notice
how stupid others are but not smart enough to make a big difference.
	―Chaff5, Feb 2016
%
The best part about being an adult is eating two Popsicles for breakfast. The
worst part about being an adult is knowing why you shouldn't do that.
	―the_llama_hunter, Sep 2016
%
At one point I was the youngest being in the entire universe and at another
point will be the next being to die.
	―MadLibz, Jul 2013
%
My kids will insult me by saying I'm older than YouTube
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
There should be a dating site that uses Drivers Licence photos, so dates will
begin with low expectations
	―Just4Money, Jul 2015
%
In most episodes of scooby doo, the bad guy hasn't actually comitted any
crime, he's just scared people away from X place so he can dig for treasure.
	―The-Princess, Apr 2016
%
Homosexuality is older than the bible,the guy writing it had to know about
such a thing before complaining about it.
	―gloryworks, Jun 2016
%
NBC keeps interrupting my commercial coverage with random snippets of some
Olympic ceremony.
	―Sporty311, Aug 2016
%
Whoever discovered popcorn must have freaked the fuck out.
	―Omny87, Oct 2016
%
If 9/11 happened two months early, 7-Eleven might have had to change their
name
	―maestroni, May 2014
%
If I were a famous celebrity, I'd only sign autographs as a trade. It'd be
pretty cool to have a collection of thousands of fans' autographs.
	―Whind_Soull, Jun 2015
%
Because of One-child policy, uncles and aunts will soon be a rare thing in
China.
	―Gandiline, Jul 2015
%
If you're ever feeling bad about yourself, just remember that someone
somewhere is paying $9.99 a month for Tinder Plus.
	―wsmn16, Apr 2016
%
No one has successfully murdered me.
	―ifurmothronlyknw, May 2016
%
If you're deaf, every fart is a gamble.
	―budabellyx, Aug 2016
%
Every time I hear a car alarm go off, I think "someone accidentally pushed the
alarm button" instead of "someone's car is getting broken into"
	―tetonfloater, Oct 2016
%
The worst way to break up with a Harry Potter fan would be to give them a
sock.
	―Triforceman555, Jul 2015
%
We're 244 Popes away from Pope DMX
	―sexual_inurendo, Oct 2015
%
Humans have made themselves so comfortable that they build scary rides so they
can remember what it's like to shit themselves with fear.
	―madeyouangry, Oct 2016
%
If a gif is open in another tab, and there is no one there to watch it, does
it move?
	―banditowl, Sep 2015
%
As a kid, mail addressed to me usually meant I was getting money. As an adult,
it usually means I owe someone money.
	―maggotbrownie, Nov 2015
%
A life-long gay guy, if born by c-section, will never touch a vagina.
	―thatblokewiththehat, Jan 2016
%
In less than 24 hours, literally 99% of people will go back to not giving a
shit about Iowa. Their population is .97% of the US'.
	―Dunlocke, Feb 2016
%
Condoms should come packed with a wet-nap.
	―MycoChemist, Mar 2016
%
Whenever a kid has sadly died, the news reports they were bright and
popular. Unlikeable stupid kids are immortal.
	―Breeze_in_the_Trees, May 2016
%
Whenever Reddit goes down, my first thought is to go to Reddit to find out
why.
	―Altephor1, Aug 2016
%
You're the bad guy in somebody's story.
	―mandalorian222, Aug 2016
%
KFC should sponsor a soccer team called Kentucky FC.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
Telling someone: "why are you depressed, look at how great your life is." Is
the same as saying, "What do you mean you have asthma, Look at all this air."
	―HeadPhoneKid_, Mar 2016
%
in my head Shrek is the lead singer of SmashMouth..
	―McFiend, Sep 2016
%
The number of people born the same year as you is always decreasing.
	―peeorpoo, Nov 2013
%
"pay-it-forward" chains at drive-thrus/coffeeshops are weird because the only
person getting something for free is the asshole who ends the chain
	―i_am_bike, Dec 2014
%
If South Park did an episode about Reddit, nobody would understand the episode
but Reddit.
	―Murican_Freedom1776, Jan 2015
%
When people post a picture of a sunset at the beach and say, "it's the little
things in life" I just realized that the Sun the Sky and the Ocean are the
three biggest things I've seen in my life...
	―nigeldickbutt, May 2015
%
Finn was the first stormtrooper to find the droid he was looking for
	―Birdsongman, May 2016
%
It's ironic that I have to learn how Mitosis and Meiosis work although every
single cell in my body knows it already.
	―jReX-, Oct 2016
%
Facebook needs a verified untrue button. When enough people click it, the
viral photo or story with completely false information vanishes.
	―Po1sonator, Mar 2016
%
YOLO is a better argument for playing it safe than it is for taking unecessary
risks.
	―shittersfull, Jul 2016
%
Mars is currently ruled by a robot.
	―TheMeetia, Dec 2014
%
It must be super weird for babies to fall asleep in one place and then wake up
4 hours later in a completely different place with different clothes on.
	―WilliamRandolphHurts, Jul 2016
%
Kanye West is the person on earth with a personality and lifestyle most
similar to Derrick Zoolander
	―cptnhaddock, Jun 2015
%
A video-game studio is probably the only workplace where it's appropriate to
talk regularly about killing a boss.
	―pearlito, Apr 2016
%
I'm uncomfortable carrying $200 in cash, but I leave my $800 phone in places
all willy nilly.
	―M153RY, Jun 2016
%
The word Fat just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of
the word Eat
	―stumblexpert96, Sep 2016
%
Anytime my GF says "OMG I love this movie!", I know I'm about to watch a
terrible movie.
	―RascalsWager, Oct 2016
%
When all the snow melts in NYC, they're gonna find all the bodies of the
people they thought weren't getting murdered.
	―AxeEffect3890, Feb 2015
%
Professional soccer isn't mainstream in the US is because the continuous clock
doesn't allow for much commercial time, effectively preventing advertising by
corporations.
	―theTutorial, Aug 2015
%
Dogs must think no humans love them because no one will lick them back.
	―timberwolvesguy, Aug 2015
%
An ad I can't mute, skip or minimize will not make me want a product more. It
will make me resent the product and its maker more.
	―philipjeremypatrick, Jan 2016
%
My 13 year old self would be appalled and disgusted by how often I'm not in
the mood to have sex with the beautiful woman who shares my bed every night.
	―ArtThouIncensedBro, Sep 2016
%
I talk to my dog and she talks to me, yet we will go our entire lives
literally not knowing a single word that was said.
	―21CharactersIsntEnou, May 2013
%
I wonder if there has ever been a moment since I have been alive where there
wasn't a cock in someones mouth
	―pwnzor224, Mar 2015
%
America's funniest home videos was our parents' YouTube.
	―This_comment_has, May 2015
%
Rappers who brag about how much money they earn in their songs, will
eventually sound really silly because of the effect of inflation.
	―NukeyTanky, Jul 2015
%
Why do I continually make the mistake of expecting intelligent conversations
on sites where I might very well be talking to 13-year-olds?
	―Westbrook000, Aug 2015
%
We encourage ugly people to love themselves but hate pretty people who do
	―Arkayem, Feb 2016
%
Door-to-door salesmen were the original pop-up ad.
	―Trustworthy12, Mar 2016
%
people who say they "believe" in science are missing the whole point of
science
	―[deleted], Jun 2016
%
If usain bolt decided to go streaking at a major event, who would be able to
stop him?
	―NotSureIfTrolls, Sep 2016
%
The Jetsons is to the Flintstones what Futurama is to the Simpsons.
	―trashed_culture, Sep 2016
%
Marvel and Nickelodeon need to work together to make a live action Mermaid Man
and Barnacle Boy movie.
	―toomanygnome, Oct 2016
%
Saying "he died doing what he loved" is possibly the worst way to console a
parent whose son has died of a drug overdose.
	―gametogenesis, May 2015
%
Comedy Central should have a 2nd channel showing stand-up comedians 24/7.
	―BobGenghisKhan84, Oct 2015
%
BMW drivers have a bad reputation, but I get cut off by a Chevy pickup with a
Marine Corps decal on the back at least once a day.
	―Starzajo, May 2016
%
I've never actually heard the queen speak.
	―SPESHALBEAMCANNON, Oct 2015
%
thanks to baseball, i'm allowed to fuck up twice before i actually get in
trouble.
	―OrangeG00se, Jul 2016
%
If a broken clock is correct twice a day, and almost all clocks are somewhat
ahead or behind the correct time, broken clocks have the correct time more
frequently than working clocks...
	―IrrelevantNexus, Dec 2014
%
Why is there no adult Easter egg hunt!? A hunt where inside the plastic eggs
are drink tickets for a beer garden. And brunch would be served. It would be
glorious.
	―Tiialicia, Mar 2015
%
The sales person at a mall kiosk is the human equivalent of an internet pop-up
ad.
	―Electric_Evil, Jul 2015
%
There are tons of skeletons in the ground wearing tuxedoes
	―yearightt, Nov 2015
%
When we animate dogs, we give them facial features that make it easier for us
to understand their emotions. I wonder how a dog would animate a human so that
they could understand us better.
	―SnazzyJaffle, Nov 2015
%
Wallets are just pockets that we put in our pockets.
	―Flamery, Mar 2016
%
For all we know, Jesus did come back, but he's just sitting in a mental
institution and nobody believes him.
	―___WE-ARE-GROOT___, Jun 2015
%
The phrase "It's all downhill from here" can mean both "It's easy the rest of
the way" or "It's all going to get worse."
	―michugana, Nov 2014
%
The plural of cent is cents. The plural of sense is senses. The plural of
census is censuses.
	―AwesomeVark, Mar 2015
%
The Roast of Justin Bieber should've been called The Biebercue.
	―John_Redcorn126, Apr 2015
%
If May the 4th is Star Wars Day, July the 7th should be James Bond Day. 07/07
= Double 07.
	―[deleted], Jul 2015
%
Why doesn't apple create a simple to use laptop, for old people, called the
granny smith..
	―jmt627, Oct 2015
%
If there's ever a world class Chinese goalkeeper, he'll be called The Great
Wall.
	―Illum503, Dec 2014
%
Procrastinators are able to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of
work in the 30 minutes before it’s due
	―weegee13, Mar 2015
%
Having a bloody nose in England must be a tough situation to explain to
another person.
	―Tannerq429, Nov 2015
%
I'm 34 years old and I'm still not sure whether you're supposed to pee
directly into the water or against the back of the toilet.
	―HyperZoanoid, Oct 2016
%
Kim Kardashian was recently robbed of 9$ Million. The Robbers worked harder
for that Money than she ever did.
	―Lupxel, Oct 2016
%
If giraffes didn't exist, they would be way less plausible than unicorns.
	―hephaestion2, Mar 2014
%
Hey Arnold's mom isn't on the show because she probably died giving birth to
him and his huge skull.
	―whosurmaddi, Jul 2014
%
Peter Quill, Star Lord, and Owen Grady, Raptor Trainer, Both Sound like
characters Andy Dwyer would create for himself
	―Judeunduli, Jul 2015
%
Reddit is kind of like high school, there are all these cliques and jokes that
I don't understand and I'm still not popular.
	―ImportGuy, Aug 2015
%
Pilots sound the way doctors write
	―Horseahead, Oct 2016
%
Google should have a "Trailblazer Notice" that tells you "Hey! Guess what!" if
the thing you searched has never been searched before.
	―WaitForItTheMongols, Dec 2014
%
If fat cells are just a body's way of storing energy to use later... I'm not
fat, I'm full of potential.
	―chibipan222, Feb 2015
%
The Bible has the biggest book club in the world who haven't read the book.
	―irish91, Mar 2015
%
I'm going to be the last person to die in my lifetime.
	―[deleted], Jul 2015
%
/r/Fightclub must be the most inactive sub ever
	―Cloud_Striker, Dec 2015
%
My school gives out free condoms, but charges for printing. They value my sex
life more than my academics
	―qwww456, Apr 2016
%
It's socially acceptable to have friends join you for the beginning of the
digestive process but not the end
	―mathhelpguy, Jul 2016
%
You are younger now than you are now.
	―johnfn, Jul 2016
%
As a college senior, I can't wait until my net worth is finally $0
	―ali2sohaib, Oct 2016
%
I wish I could drown the people that constantly masturbate in me...
	―SomeWeirdIrishGuy, Oct 2016
%
Your life is basically an interview for people to attend your funeral.
	―walker419, Aug 2014
%
Franz Ferdinand's (band) last concert ever should be in Sarajevo
	―longint, Nov 2014
%
If nothing can ever be created or destroyed you are actually as old as the
entire universe.
	―damnitdes, Feb 2015
%
Every time I'm sick or something hurts I think about how I wish I was fine and
how ungrateful I was when it didn't hurt. Let's take a moment and be aware of
all our body parts that don't hurt. Be conscious of all the sensations and be
happy they aren't pain.
	―rustleman, May 2015
%
Comedy Central should do an "Every South Park Ever" marathon and call it, "The
Simpsons Did It" marathon.
	―owl-x, Aug 2015
%
What if Westboro Baptist Church was actually secretly a group of super
tolerant activists who staged outrageous protests to draw public attention to
the causes they care about, while simultaneously creating a mockery of
fundamental Christianity.
	―SingingInThePlane, Sep 2015
%
If children's beauty pageants didn't already exist, and you tried to start
one, you'd probably go to jail
	―Curly_Balls, Dec 2015
%
On April Fools Day Tinder should reverse the swipe orientation.
	―stuffandthaangs, Feb 2016
%
You know shits about to go down when the name of your next mission is the
title of the game
	―Andwrs, May 2016
%
I'd rather drive 30 minutes out of my way than wait in traffic for 15.
	―Skadoosh_it, Jun 2016
%
I am currently controlling miniscule lights on your display
	―Maplicant, Oct 2016
%
Top 40 radio sucks because the same 6 artists sing 100 songs; Christmas music
sucks because 100 artists sing the same 6 songs.
	―mr_oof, Dec 2013
%
Humans spend 33.3% of their lives asleep. They spend 50% of that
dreaming. That means that 16.6% percent of your life experiences never
happened.
	―temporalExile, May 2016
%
Neil Armstrong was the first person to land on the moon. "Neil A." backwards
is "Alien"
	―lil_mayo, Aug 2016
%
Adults tell kids scary stories around a campfire so they'll be too scared to
wander away from the campsite alone.
	―jacquellon, Aug 2016
%
We throw around the word "terrorist" like we used to throw around the word
"communist".
	―MasterSaturday, Oct 2013
%
The space to your right is also to your left, just 24,900 miles further
	―[deleted], Feb 2014
%
The opening letters of pimple and dimple are inverted, just like the things
themselves.
	―potatoinmymouth, Aug 2014
%
Google should send you an alert every time someone searches your home address
on Maps.
	―mikenice1, Apr 2015
%
When people say "Jesus take the wheel" they are giving control to an uninsured
and unlicensed driver who has never been in a car before.
	―ABigOlBunkaroo, Aug 2015
%
I use the app "Reddit is fun" so much I can barely navigate Reddit on my
computer
	―RockLeePower, Apr 2016
%
I wish there was Reddit Anti-Gold. I'd love to pay 3.99 to stop someone from
posting for a month.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
If we don't allow steroids in athletic competitions, why do we allow makeup in
beauty competitions?
	―JD2005, Oct 2013
%
Dinosaurs never seem to have sexual organs in books and museums. This is
clearly why they went extinct.
	―czwblitz, May 2014
%
Explain as a 5 year old would be way more entertaing than ELI5
	―having2ndthots, Feb 2015
%
When you're over at a couple's place, there's almost a 100% chance they've had
sex on the couch they expect you to sit on.
	―DoubleSpinalTap, Jul 2015
%
Someday "Brad" will be a name for old people.
	―[deleted], Nov 2013
%
Mike Judge should make a Beavis and Butt-head youtube series where they're
watching and making fun of youtube videos
	―okaybudday, Jul 2014
%
There should be an app that, if you a cross a state or national border, tells
you what laws are different when you cross.
	―Varryl, Aug 2014
%
It must suck to be an atheist named Christian.
	―wowitspayday, Oct 2014
%
Someday, there will be a TIL that David Bowie and Alan Rickman both British,
both died of cancer at 69, both in the same week of the same year.
	―ip_address_freely, Jan 2016
%
if 666 is the most evil number in the world, then 25.8069758011 is literally
the root of all evil.
	―Palin_Sees_Russia, Dec 2015
%
Home is where I don't mind my dick touching the toilet seat when I sit down
	―CalmerWithKarma, Apr 2016
%
There are 52 weeks in a year. If we had 13 months that would fit exactly into
4 weeks per month. Why don't we have 13 months already?
	―Kingy-89, Jun 2016
%
It's funny how all the trust goes away when you're looking for the remote "Are
you sitting on the remote?" - "No" "Stand up"
	―ana229, Oct 2016
%
Could we put Nicotine in toothpaste to make brushing teeth addictive?
	―StrawberryCheese, Nov 2015
%
From the perspective of a plant, carnivores are peaceful, docile creatures
while herbivores a murderous killing machines
	―classycatman, Apr 2016
%
Somewhere in the script for Spiderman 3, it probably said [Enter Sandman]
	―dppsubm, Dec 2015
%
I wonder how many times I've crossed paths in real life with people I've had
discussions with on Reddit.
	―FTA2011, Apr 2016
%
For April Fool's day, Google should dress up the search engine to look like
Bing.
	―Dyslxeic, Nov 2014
%
If I can´t handle you at your worst, you´re probably a horrible human being.
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
They really missed a great opportunity by not calling a group of squid, a
squad
	―otp1144, Jun 2016
%
Olympic teams should be chosen just like jury duty. Receiving a random
notification in the mail saying you have four years to train for a random
event.
	―Daboomslang, Aug 2016
%
"One man's junk is another man's treasure" would be a great slogan for a gay
dating site
	―Midgetcow, Jul 2014
%
If something is "unfoldable", does that mean that you can't fold it, or that
you can unfold it?
	―jonnis2206, Dec 2014
%
The most successful "one size fits all" product ever is the toilet.
	―mdcfalcon, Mar 2015
%
If you work in a morgue you still have to come in to work after you die
	―AvocadosAtLaw, May 2015
%
Bacon and eggs is a day's work for a chicken and a lifetime achievement for a
pig.
	―tazack, Oct 2015
%
I've ruined a lot of good songs by setting them as my alarm music.
	―Aufor, Nov 2015
%
Catholic sex ed claims abstinence is 100% effective birth control, but it
didn't even work for Mary
	―Sir_Liamus, May 2016
%
FBI director says citizens filming the police makes them, 'feel like they're
under siege'... The tv show COPS is on its 28th Season...
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
In the newest Batman v. Superman trailer, instead of "son of Krypton vs. bat
of Gotham", they really should have Lex describe it as "son (sun) of Krypton
vs. knight (night) of Gotham" to highlight the central characters' opposing
qualities
	―IshijimaLogan, Dec 2015
%
In 50 years kids will have the stupidest usernames as nothing will be
available.
	―DarkGator, Jan 2016
%
If The Revenant wins the Best Visual Effects Oscar this year and Leonardo
DiCaprio doesn't end up winning Best Actor, then that means the Bear has won
an Oscar and Leo hasn't
	―ya_you_betcha, Jan 2016
%
Some asshole out there is actually sorting by "Price: high to low"
	―WGPuck, Jun 2016
%
I wonder how many times a murderer has looked at me and thought, "na, not
them."
	―Footstompz, Jun 2016
%
I've used Bruce Almighty's "B-E-A-Utiful!" line to spell Beautiful my whole
life
	―ShytTalkingScrub, Sep 2016
%
You've never been in an empty room
	―elitron, Mar 2014
%
The U.S. is so young that in the distant future people will think of our
current time as still the very early stages of America's birth and growth as a
nation.
	―calicofire, Jul 2014
%
The more suicidal people, the less suicidal people
	―midd420, Jul 2015
%
Most people wouldn't recommend a book unless they read the whole
thing...unless you're Christian.
	―Commander_Canuck, Sep 2016
%
If praying would actually work, it'd be forbidden in all professional sports.
	―mns1, Sep 2016
%
Isn't Viagra technically 'junk food'.
	―Zedlox, Oct 2016
%
You should be able to park in the "expecting mothers" parking spots at the
mall if you are waiting to pick up your mother.
	―classlessjerk, May 2014
%
There should be a sub where people can submit random challenges (to attempt in
real life) and people reply with picture proof
	―l0ngstory, Jun 2015
%
"Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have" is terrible advice if
you want to be a police officer. Or a stripper.
	―Oafah, Dec 2015
%
I'm pretty sure the reason Netflix originals don't do episode recaps is
because they know you're just binge watching the show.
	―commanderbat, Aug 2016
%
I don't care if people know I watch porn, I care if they know what kind of
porn I watch.
	―Binost, Sep 2016
%
The sun is at the bottom of the food chain
	―hauntedfox, May 2015
%
If Kim Jong Un does anything really impressive and tells people, no one will
ever believe him
	―IAMAWalrus_AMA, Dec 2015
%
My Steam account is more protected than my bank account.
	―Fahrenheit666, Feb 2016
%
I wonder if the phrase 'toodaloo' came from English people excusing themselves
to go 'to the bathroom'...
	―mynameipaul, Jul 2016
%
Giving blood for the Red Cross sounds metal as hell if you don't know what the
Red Cross is.
	―Sifenchar, Oct 2016
%
The "two" pun in "Dumb & Dumber To" will go widely unnoticed due to many
people still not knowing the difference between to/two/too.
	―C-Ron, Nov 2014
%
The way that chillies have evolved to avoid being eaten has completely
backfired
	―BlueD_, Nov 2014
%
The only reason I check my voicemail is to get rid of the voicemail
notification on my phone.
	―MentionMyName, Jan 2016
%
Every time my mother scrolls through facebook, she often stops scrolling to
say something like "Wow" or "Unbelieveable" and expects someone to be
interested. She is real life clickbait.
	―Foofsies, Mar 2016
%
Just as I assume everyone on Reddit is a 16-30 year old male, I assume
everyone on Tumblr is a 12-22 year old female
	―thefantasticfellatio, Jun 2016
%
I just realized that watching magic tricks is basically like when you're
playing with your dog and you pretend to throw the ball. I am the dog.
	―krayzeek, Aug 2016
%
People think we can make contact with aliens, but fail to realize we can’t
even communicate with other species here on earth.
	―Stephen_Harold, Sep 2016
%
If we don't accept refugees because 2 out of 100 M&M's are poisoned then
why is it OK the have "a few bad apples" in a police department?
	―Ebay212, Oct 2016
%
I think the final episode of Sunny in Philadelphia should be "Dennis kills the
gang"
	―SparkyDogPants, Jan 2016
%
If fast food places gave cashiers 1% of the orders they rung up back as a
bonus, they'd probably see productivty and upselling Skyrocket. They'd tell
all their friends and family to eat there and would be super motivated. It
could easily pay for itself.
	―balancespec2, Apr 2015
%
The word Colonel is just a a big F U to anyone trying to learn English.
	―-Krat0s-, May 2016
%
There should be a beer called "the Mondays" so you can happily say you "have a
case of the Mondays."
	―moxxycontin, Aug 2013
%
Every doctor is a veterinarian specialized for only one animal
	―tylaquin, Dec 2013
%
We are closer to 2062, the year depicted in the Jetsons, than to 1962, the
year in which the Jetsons debuted.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
Weights in a gym should all be of the same size, but hollowed out according to
their mass so newbies don't feel shy about lifting.
	―_vr, Apr 2015
%
If I had a Zimbabwe dollar for every time someone said "If I had a dollar", I
probably still wouldn't have a dollar.
	―DovahSpy, Sep 2015
%
I hate XP grinding in video games, yet I'm currently doing 5 years of college
with plans to continue after I graduate.
	―tsunami845, May 2016
%
Blind people could use a glue stick as a higlighter.
	―thatjohnson, Sep 2015
%
If you ever feel lonely, watch a horror movie. After a while, you won't feel
like you're alone.
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
John Cena and The Rock should be in a movie together as cops who go undercover
as wrestlers.
	―Mitchdotcom, Mar 2016
%
When DreamWorks runs out of ideas they should tell the story about the boy on
the moon and how he got so much fishing line
	―Ragan_aron123, Apr 2016
%
I know I'm getting old, because I don't know how Twitter, Instagram, or
Snapchat work, and I'm okay with that.
	―hellslave, Aug 2016
%
Somebody should open up a burger shop and name it "Mumford And Buns." Every
burger on the menu is the same, just like their songs
	―JonMlee, May 2015
%
Telling my parents "I finished all my food" has two very different
implications between being a child and being a college student.
	―conkub, Sep 2015
%
I'll spend $20 on fast food without blinking an eye, but a $2.99 phone app is
a serious decision.
	―Secret_superhero, Jan 2016
%
I can never flirt with an attractive bank teller because she will always know
how poor I really am
	―GoldenHawk07, Mar 2016
%
I want to live my life in such a way that I'll end up in a Google Doodle.
	―Rigamix, Mar 2016
%
Drugs are like cheat codes for real life, they make the game more fun for a
little while, but stop you from getting achievements.
	―letsgetblitzed, Sep 2015
%
Your spouse is technically your ex boyfriend/girlfriend. They just got
promoted, not fired.
	―asneakycucumber, Oct 2015
%
There's 7.4b people on Earth, but with the advent of air travel they will
never all be on Earth
	―kiss_my_what, Mar 2016
%
The word "illuminated" means the same thing even if you only use every third
letter.
	―jacoblance, Feb 2015
%
The first rule of fight club is what prevented the movie from getting spoiled
to me for the last 15 years
	―FiachB7, Feb 2015
%
If a TV ad ever asks you a question (like "fed up of juicing by hand?"), then
you should be able to say "no", and the ad automatically stop.
	―mrsthompsoon, Jun 2015
%
If the Disney movie "Inside Out" we're set in a young teen boy's head, it
would have to be rated NC-17.
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
What if, in thousands of years, "alien" becomes a derogatory word to describe
inhabitants of other planets? And our descendants become disgusted at our
rampant use of the word.
	―deux_faces, Sep 2015
%
Considering owls are nocturnal, wouldn't it be sufficient just to say someone
is an "owl" instead of a "night owl"?
	―Regularoldballoon, Sep 2016
%
Starbucks should have a self-service express lane for people who just want a
plain cup of coffee.
	―utensilitis, Jun 2015
%
Sex scenes in shows/movies always cut off too early when watching alone, but
last way too long when your parents are around.
	―themachin3, Aug 2016
%
Airlines should award FLIGHT HOURS instead of MILES so if your plane is
delayed they can tell you your wait counts as flight hours. You'll be less
annoyed and they'll be motivated to work harder to avoid delays.
	―morseman, Jun 2014
%
There's a big difference between a "butt dial" and a "booty call" even though
the words are interchangeable
	―JustForBrowsing, Dec 2014
%
Trophy wives are prostitutes that are paid a salary instead of hourly.
	―DrDrewBlood, Feb 2016
%
Just realized how horribly relevant my username is right now
	―PulsePanic, Jun 2016
%
Orange is the New Black would have been a good name for a Jersey Shore rap
album
	―when_did_i_grow_up, Apr 2014
%
To most Christians the Bible is like a software user agreement. They don't
actually read it; they just scroll to the end and click "I agree."
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
If your gf has a friend that annoys you, don't tell your gf to stop being
friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty you think she is.
	―Shmer180, Sep 2016
%
I bet drug dealers wish they could sell their drugs for as much as the police
think they're worth.
	―palmerry, Oct 2016
%
A lot of people ruin their lives over orgasms.
	―isaval, Aug 2013
%
The Ebola nurse hazmat costumes we'll be seeing everywhere tonight? Recycled
Breaking Bad costumes from last year.
	―MNRailTracer, Oct 2014
%
If the government waged a war on potholes instead of pot then they would be
making the country a safer place.
	―i_have_a_semicolon, May 2015
%
I wonder if any children in third world countries receive toys as christmas
donations from america and they happen to be the toys they made themselves in
a sweat shop.
	―nurse_jacqui, Nov 2015
%
The Futurama quote, "If you do things right, people won't know you've done
anything at all." Is literally the CIA.
	―nemomnemosyne, Dec 2015
%
I think North Korea just announces a bomb test every time they have an
earthquake.
	―WippitGuud, Jan 2016
%
Ted Cruz starts some speeches saying "To God be the glory." If he said that in
Arabic he be starting them out saying "Allahu Akbar.'
	―[deleted], Feb 2016
%
I feel more disappointed in myself when I click on click bait than I do about
almost any other everyday bad decision
	―smizmarskwigelf, Apr 2016
%
There's nothing more suspicious than a clear browser history.
	―uncle_drunky, Sep 2016
%
What if it's harder to find good skipping stones now than it was in earlier
times because they've all been skipped and sunk to the bottom of whatever body
of water they've been skipped across?
	―QBallKeefTNP, Jul 2013
%
What if Jesus was just a normal guy and someone started a rumor about him that
got out of control?
	―petrucci666, Apr 2014
%
It's rude to hold a revolving door for someone
	―ckiertz4887, Sep 2014
%
Each theater in a cineplex should have it's own bathroom next to it with
screens inside playing the same movie you're watching so you don't have to
miss anything if you have to pee.
	―TheRealKillYourself, May 2015
%
You either die a Chris Farley, or live long enough to see yourself become an
Adam Sandler
	―taintosaurus_rex, Jul 2015
%
If my parents had named me "Pepper", I'd have been much more enthusiastic
about pursuing a PhD.
	―RS60fan, Dec 2015
%
If you think about it, it makes no sense that adult movie tickets cost more
than children tickets; kids are loud and cause a lot of disruptions. It should
cost more for a child to attend a movie theater.
	―mattmanatee, May 2016
%
The person who invented pizza has affected my life more than the inventor of
the telescope.
	―OK_Compooper, Aug 2016
%
They should announce a sequel to Groundhog Day and just release the original.
	―ImGonnaObamaYou, Sep 2016
%
It should be illegal to broadcast car horns or police sirens over radio
advertisements
	―tingtanguh, Sep 2016
%
I didn’t exist in your world until you started reading this sentence of mine.
	―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016
%
Happiness is such a good drug that you use other drugs to crave it
	―[deleted], Dec 2013
%
You should be able to double press elevator floor buttons to cancel a mistaken
choice
	―Third_Cultured_Kid, Mar 2015
%
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is
	―PrryvdoofV2, Apr 2015
%
The poor soul that had to test "No tears" Shampoo until they got it right...
	―Yivoe, Nov 2015
%
Whenever someone doesn't cite their sources I don't believe them, but when
they do I don't even bother checking the sources.
	―UnofficialGOD, Oct 2016
%
The manufacturer that makes "Head and Shoulders" should produce an
accompanying body wash called "Knees and Toes"
	―21CharactersIsntEnou, Apr 2013
%
We wake up after we die in a dream because we don't know what comes after
death.
	―AREYOUFUCKING_SORRY, Sep 2015
%
Pandora should have a "Shit, Go Back" button for when you accidentally skip a
song you like
	―-sackmaster-, Oct 2015
%
With PornHubs new idea of planting a tree per 100 videos watched, I am single
handedly saving the world.
	―cFc_90, Feb 2016
%
You're meant to become an expert in something after doing it for 10000 hours,
but I've been eating for way longer than that and still bite the inside of my
mouth.
	―Spivsy, Apr 2016
%
My left hand is kind of like my right hand's disabled twin.
	―m8w8disisgr8, Apr 2016
%
NASA flawlessly played a 365 million mile hole of disc golf with a billion
dollar projectile
	―samiam0295, Jul 2016
%
If u step on people's feet,they will open their mouth,just like trash bins.
	―loveyouAmerica, Jul 2016
%
I hate any shampoo company that shapes their bottles in a way that makes it
impossible to put them down upside down
	―Cirabi, Aug 2016
%
Pi is the embodiment of the circle, yet is also the farthest possible thing
from a round number.
	―[deleted], Apr 2014
%
When the Pope dies, is he being fired or promoted?
	―Lynchie24, Mar 2015
%
I bet art schools have the best bathroom graffiti
	―XXLargeninja, Apr 2016
%
"The pen is mightier than the sword" was written by a pen making it biased.
	―JakeShu, Aug 2016
%
There are dogs living in foreign countries that probably understand the local
language better than I do.
	―[deleted], Jun 2013
%
We live in a 1940 Nazi's dystopian future
	―Tinklenator, May 2014
%
Everyday, Someone On Earth Unknowingly Does The Loudest Fart In The World For
That Day
	―MrMagicMan123, Apr 2015
%
A fine is a tax for doing bad. A tax is a fine for doing well.
	―-Lo_Mein_Kampf-, Sep 2015
%
The phrase "Don't you dare" is actually the phrase "Do not you dare". And that
confuses me.
	―The_Purple_Otter, Feb 2016
%
With 3D printing in a few years we'll feasibly be able to torrent a Lego set.
	―Astrike30, Mar 2016
%
There are no animals in the Pokémon world, so whenever the anime characters
eat meat, they're eating Pokémon.
	―Durrylad, Jul 2016
%
Couples who know the exact date of their child's conception aren't having a
lot of sex
	―Showmeyourvocalfolds, Aug 2016
%
When ever I'm reading someone's story on reddit, I automatically assume it's a
male. Then if they mention something that gives away that they're a female, I
have to re-play the whole story in my head again to get the right context.
	―goodzgamer, Oct 2016
%
Snapchat should have a 'Send as NSFW' feature, so you don't open up your girls
nudes whilst sat having coffee with your mum.
	―ZeroSenseOfHumour, Oct 2016
%
If you repost a TIL the same day it was posted, you're really just telling the
truth.
	―s_m_f_a_h, Sep 2014
%
The iPhone is like college textbooks. Every year, they just change a few
things and slap on a high price.
	―achenx75, Sep 2014
%
Reddit's freak out is going to look really dumb if Victoria was fired suddenly
for a legit reason.
	―Itsallbusinesstome, Jul 2015
%
In the drug mule business, a buttload would be a practical unit of measurement
	―rorytheracingcar14, May 2016
%
Bathrooms that only have air dryers and no paper towels make me want to wash
my hands less
	―gavinagoodtim3, Jul 2016
%
Sometimes, when I see internet trolls and Facebook fights, the endless march
of the keyboard warriors, and the celebrity twitter feuds, I think to myself;
"remember when computers were for smart people?"
	―TeamMahogany, Jul 2016
%
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent.
	―Storytellerbobfan, Aug 2016
%
Every person alive today has an ancestor that lived through every moment of
human existence.
	―Rick0r, Feb 2015
%
Maybe the best way to discourage teens from doing drugs would be to have the
really uncool adults talk about how awesome and fun drugs are.
	―Thunder_banger, Jan 2016
%
When you're a child, you must not swear in front of adults. When you're an
adult, you must not swear in front of children. It's only acceptable to swear
in front of people your own age.
	―PennsyltuckyHardcore, May 2016
%
Anti-piracy ads always insisted that "you wouldn't download a car", except I
would absolutely download a car.
	―No-YouShutUp, Aug 2016
%
Writing 2k15 instead of 2015 annoys me more than it should.
	―MrBigBallsOO, Aug 2015
%
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8
hours of work in 30 minutes.
	―zouyf, Jun 2016
%
If my chopsticks are made in China, does this mean they are high or low
quality?
	―Dr__Flo__, Aug 2013
%
"Making Ends Meet" would be a fantastic slogan for a double ended dildo
company.
	―amsfer9, Dec 2013
%
People with gluten intolerances should say "this is the worst thing since
sliced bread."
	―PlatoXX13, Aug 2014
%
Bing's top search is probably "google".
	―PeeCanManzzer, Apr 2015
%
Today there are probably more hungover homosexuals than any time in human
history.
	―Papi_Queso, Jun 2015
%
After taking a TV production class in college, I now realize what a dick move
dropping the mic actually is considering how sensitive and expensive they are
	―JiveMonkey, Jul 2016
%
If I throw around large amounts of shredded bread on public property, my
proximity to pigeons determines whether or not I'm littering.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
The fact that I have not yet dropped a single phone into the toilet is a
miracle.
	―TwoTinyTrees, Aug 2016
%
The alphabet says "hi" and then immediately afterwards was kidding with "jk"
	―ccooldean, Nov 2015
%
If I said "happy birthday" to strangers I interact throughout the day,
eventually I'll be right and that person will be really creeped out.
	―AKPhilly1, Jan 2015
%
If Christian businesses really stuck to their principles, they'd serve
everyone regardless of their sins...
	―LadyManderella, Apr 2015
%
I wonder how many random stranger's homework I've done answering to random
shit on /askreddit, /askscience, etc...
	―phazer29, Nov 2015
%
My soulmate and I will likely never meet, since neither of us like leaving the
house.
	―JackRakkham, Jul 2016
%
What if there really is a u/deleted going around posting "removed" all over
the place?
	―wageslavend, Aug 2016
%
How many times do you think that you've seen the exact same bird outside, but
had no idea that you've looked at it before.
	―ShigglyB00, Apr 2013
%
I wonder if a hoedown is so named because you have to put the hoe
(farming/gardening tool) down in order to party.
	―missus_b, May 2014
%
Artificial flavoring and synthetic ingredients are so common in our groceries
that making a product with real food has become a marketing point
	―ACEmat, Jul 2015
%
'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' teaches children that if you eat too much, you
become beautiful.
	―TheInfernalRain, Jul 2015
%
The opposite of "Baldwin" is "Hair-loss".
	―PimpPopples, Jan 2016
%
Was medium fructose corn syrup ever considered or did we just crank that shit
to HIGH right off the bat?
	―jjaksha, Feb 2016
%
PirateBay has the best CyberMonday and BlackFriday deals on video and gaming.
	―Conorstevey, Dec 2014
%
A great name for self-driving cars would be "automobiles" but we've used that
already.
	―RobinReddBreast, Aug 2015
%
If I knew nothing about drugs, I would think something called Acid would be
far worse than a drug called Heroin.
	―dumbartist, Dec 2015
%
The post office is amazingly cool....Me: Mr. Postman, will you take this piece
of paper across the country to my friend? Him: Sure....but it will cost
you... 47 cents...
	―Pat1000, Aug 2016
%
Life would be different if semen was purple and stained things
	―dolphintherapist, Jan 2015
%
Someone should make a website for amputees where they can find other amputees
who want to go half on a pair of shoes or gloves.
	―dirtknapp, Oct 2015
%
Our butts can eject solids, liquids, and gasses
	―EachBoth, May 2016
%
Before record players, no one had sex to music without seriously weirding out
the musicians.
	―hikemix, Aug 2016
%
I bet no one will say "he's in a better place" when Hugh Hefner dies.
	―IIIBl1nDIII, Oct 2013
%
The cleverest criminal masterminds are the ones whose stories we'll never
hear.
	―setsomethingablaze, Feb 2014
%
How cool it would be to downvote your friends Facebook status without knowing
whom they came from. Then maybe they would stop posting pics of their kids
	―scoobydonts23, Dec 2014
%
Most people can eat the same breakfast, weeks in a row without a
complaint. But the same dinner 2 days in a row? That's not allowed.
	―Razuto22, Sep 2015
%
There should be a button in Reddit to 'preload' a certain amount of gigabytes
of your feed before a flight.
	―ramsayyy, Oct 2016
%
In 100 years my descendants could very well be reading all my online posts and
profiles while researching me - strange feeling
	―jb2386, Jan 2015
%
Every winter, pitchers from Major League Baseball should get together and have
a snowball fight.
	―kingbrian3, Mar 2015
%
I am a firm believer that every traffic jam starts with one dumbass
	―illestprodigy, Feb 2016
%
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that
erases your browser history if your heart stops beating
	―BeardedForMyPleasure, Sep 2015
%
Birth control pills should be for men, it makes more sense to unload the gun
than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
	―eeeponthemove, Jan 2016
%
In all seven books, Harry Potter only bathes once
	―Kate_is_here, May 2016
%
"Survived a shark attack" sounds a lot cooler than "Almost killed by a fish".
	―Purple_Papaya, Sep 2016
%
There should be a "I Found A Phone" app on the lock screen of phones that the
finder can input their number or an email address into and an email is sent to
the owner.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
The first person who copied someone was in fact very original.
	―pretentieux, Jan 2014
%
If lightsabers ever get mass produced the companies name should be Sith &
Wesson.
	―DenchRips, Oct 2015
%
If you ever hear someone talking about Fight Club, you can accurately say,
"That guy doesn't know the first thing about Fight Club."
	―Donna_Freaking_Noble, Feb 2016
%
If I was born after nine months, and an hour before me, a premature baby was
born after seven-and-a-half months, they would would be older than me despite
existing for a shorter period of time.
	―smatef, Sep 2016
%
You are literally always clapping, just sometimes with really long pauses.
	―GaryOakz, Apr 2013
%
The last line of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" is quite existential for a
children's song.
	―sp4ce, Nov 2014
%
Maybe it is ok being kinda short. Tall guys have to bend over for hugs and get
nothing but shoulder. I get full on squishy boob
	―SphincterInk, Dec 2014
%
If you pet your pet rock enough, it'll erode and you'll be alone again.
	―ChrisTaliaferro, May 2015
%
My standards for who I'm willing to masturbate to is much higher than who I'm
willing to have sex with
	―pikindaguy, Jul 2015
%
I wonder how many tattoos have been ruined because of earthquakes
	―Wesleyg45, Dec 2015
%
North Korea and China are like friends that used to do lots of drugs together,
but China has cleaned up a lot and really doesn't know what to do about his
still-tweaking friend.
	―Yymmeh, Mar 2016
%
Reddit is just like your fridge: you keep going back to it every 30 seconds
when you're bored.
	―Sullivanm01, Sep 2016
%
Everyday, my daughter's school bus driver gives us a treat for the dog. To the
dog, we sell Ava everyday for one dog treat.
	―agliberman, Apr 2015
%
Mosquitoes are the original "Why're you hitting yourself?" bully.
	―AvengedTurtleFold, May 2015
%
it's pretty fucked up how Winnie The Pooh and Jack The Ripper have the same
middle name
	―fix24, Oct 2015
%
Facebook's list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people
I've been avoiding my entire life.
	―526564646974_, Sep 2016
%
A broken clock is exactly right twice a day, but a clock set one minute too
fast is never, ever exactly right
	―RSpiess, Apr 2014
%
Can we please collectively change the name from hoverboards, to segboards? You
know, cuz its like a fucking segway?
	―russiangerman, Jan 2016
%
If you lower your standards enough, there are literally thousands if not
millions of people who are attracted to you and would marry you in a second.
	―ass2ssa, Sep 2016
%
Saying "I don't support privacy because I have nothing to hide" is much like
saying "I don't support free speech because I have nothing to say"
	―MissingFucks, Oct 2016
%
Drake is Canadian, and when he says goes 0-100 real quick, he is probably
referring to KPH, which equates to 0-62 MPH real quick.
	―MyNameIsMerc, Jul 2014
%
There will come a point when the word "Hurrah" is used for the final
time. This will literally be The Last Hurrah.
	―Gutterflame, Oct 2014
%
If the September 11th attacks were to have happened in July, 7-Eleven possibly
would have gone out of business
	―thinks_he_got_gold, Jun 2015
%
do you ever think deaf people read the lyrics for top 40 songs and think,
maybe being deaf isn't that bad after all.
	―JordanGW, Sep 2015
%
Losing 200 pounds is a lot better in the US than in England.
	―Widesense, Jan 2016
%
There's a decent chance Rick Astley gave up on that girl.
	―Dark_Lord_of_Baking, Jul 2015
%
The best part about reddit is finding a poignant, mind blowing, or even
heartbreaking life story, piece of advice, or whatever, then glancing up to
see it was posted by titsmasher8000.
	―Luke_Dogwalker, Feb 2016
%
Instead of suspending bad students and giving them days of, we should have
anti-suspentions and give them more school on weekends and holidays
	―Gambit1995, May 2016
%
Patriotism is not about loving your country blindly. It is about accepting its
flaws and solving them little by little
	―Gerakison, Aug 2016
%
If you were invisible would you be able to see through your eyelids?
	―CommanderBeckles, May 2014
%
The "b" in "subtle" is the most subtle b ever.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
IMDB should have a spoiler-free mode where you can hide how many episodes an
actor appeared in.
	―minisixx, Nov 2015
%
Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs
	―exilyy, Mar 2016
%
if colleges really want to prepare high school students for today's job market
then they should only accept students who " at least 2-3 years college
experiance".
	―loveyouAmerica, Jul 2016
%
A loaded gun with a laser attachment is probably the easiest way to kill a cat
	―LePandaMan, Aug 2014
%
Born too late to explore the world, born too early to explore the galaxy.
	―XM990, Aug 2014
%
When a child is told to say sorry like they mean it, we are essentially
teaching them to fake sincerity.
	―Bam801, Mar 2015
%
In the year 2021, the phrase 'hindsight is 2020' will be overused
	―jeffdavidoff, May 2015
%
Putting "www." in a web address is like putting "Planet Earth" on a piece of
mail
	―blurplethenurple, Feb 2016
%
Historians are very important people...they are currently saving our progress.
	―Moose--Bolton, Mar 2016
%
asking someone to sleep over is weird. you're basically asking "hey, would you
like to come lay dormant with me for 6-9 hours?"
	―musicandlyrics1993, Feb 2014
%
Covers are designed to represent the book; if you can't judge a book by its
cover, it's a poorly designed cover.
	―__z__z__, Aug 2014
%
Our grandchildren will be able to google the tweets of their grandparents.
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
The first snow of the year is technically in January, and not in the fall.
	―dirkandersen, Nov 2015
%
Since a lot of the profits from recreational marijuana in Colorado go to fund
public education, pot is now actually making people smarter. Suck on that,
Nancy Grace.
	―daddycool12, Sep 2016
%
Kim Jong Un is probably the biggest threat to world peace but if you type
"Kim" in Google...Kim Kardashian still comes up first.
	―Leproscro, Sep 2016
%
I'll bet that when Thomas Edison played back his own voice on the first
phonograph he thought it was broken because his voice sounded weird.
	―nickmodaily, Aug 2015
%
At his maximum speed, Usain Bolt legally cannot sprint through a school zone.
	―Parker_Jay, Aug 2016
%
During world war 2, Germany had the extended arm, the US had the victory sign,
and Russia the uplifted fist. — All together just an escalated game of
rock-paper-scissors.
	―DaBrombaer, Sep 2016
%
Reddit has made me realize how unoriginal my thoughts truly are
	―What-The-Pho, Oct 2016
%
If a serial killer murders one person after the other then a terrorist could
also be called a parallel killer.
	―ch00f, Apr 2014
%
There should be Olympic paintball where countries send there special forces to
compete.
	―ASTROPOPE, Aug 2016
%
Whenever the brain and the heart fight , its always the liver that suffers.
	―rockyverma4, Oct 2016
%
Everybody says the idea of a unicorn is ridiculous, but Narwhals are more
ridiculous and they exist.
	―Glorious_Bacon_Ninja, Jul 2013
%
I have no idea where Puerto Rico is.
	―Mr_Liu, Aug 2013
%
Pizza crust is an edible plate to keep your meat and vegetables on.
	―Tunnelofpain, May 2014
%
Lesbian pornography should be called quadruple X instead of triple X, because
there are two X chromosomes for each woman.
	―afspic, Aug 2014
%
Michael Cera should start a clothing line called TryCeraTops
	―IDontHaveAnyChange, Dec 2014
%
If they have Ben Affleck playing Batman, they might as well have Matt Damon
play Robin.
	―c1etus, May 2015
%
TV screens went from being curved, to flat, to curved the other way.
	―habeeb51, Sep 2015
%
Anyone on the internet who has a profile picture of an Anonymous mask is
almost certainly not part of Anonymous
	―BenjaminAmey, May 2016
%
"WTF" has more syllables than just saying "what the fuck"
	―PepsiColaX, Feb 2014
%
They should put a Braille dot on USB cables so you plug them in the first time
every time.
	―Roman_your_cousin, Aug 2016
%
I'm currently sitting at the PC browsing Reddit while listening to "Born in
the USA", eating pizza and drinking beer, wearing a star spangled banner
underwear and a Hardrock Cafe t-shirt. This is the closest I, a non-American,
will ever be to being American.
	―Priamosish, Aug 2016
%
Never realized how lucky I was until I traveled to a place where you can't
drink the tap water.
	―fricksquid, Oct 2016
%
Ireland and Iceland are a "sea" apart.
	―unicornsandnarwhals, Nov 2014
%
Prejudice is one of the most stupid things on earth because there are so many
perfectly good reasons to dislike people on an individual basis.
	―Metopholus, Aug 2016
%
/r/gonewild probably creates the most OC of all of Reddit
	―jfsalaba, Sep 2013
%
Why didn't Cinderella glass slipper turn back into a crappy shoe after
midnight?
	―Pun-Chi, Jan 2014
%
I trust a lot of people not to kill me every day
	―scrotalobliteration, Apr 2015
%
Reddit is like the perfect hangout for introverts because I'm in on all the
jokes and nobody makes fun of me for not talking.
	―chewbakaflocka-flame, May 2015
%
I have never looked at a button, and thought it was cute.
	―frostclark, May 2015
%
If you were an 18-year-old girl who flashed your boobs in the first Girls Gone
Wild video, you would be 34 years old today
	―[deleted], Jun 2015
%
Homeless people are really good at finding sharpies and cardboard.
	―BarbellShrugged, Aug 2015
%
The people upset that the Hermione Granger actor in the new play is black
would be the same people in the book who are upset she's a muggle-born.
	―afembotallalong, Dec 2015
%
By the time artificial intelligence will know how to pass the Turing Test, it
will also know how to fail it.
	―mrtouchyfeely, Apr 2016
%
If the Queen in Snow White has magic powers and can turn herself into an old
hag why doesn't she turn herself into someone more beautiful than Snow White?
	―WebcamsReviewed, Sep 2016
%
Many, many future celebrities and world leaders are currently just babies.
	―DrClash, Aug 2013
%
"Food porn" is an appropriate name. Like regular porn, it looks great, but you
can't tell how it tastes or smells.
	―swamperdonker, Feb 2015
%
All single-person bathrooms should be unisex
	―GucciEmet, Apr 2015
%
When someone says "you know what they say about assuming", they are assuming
you know what they say about assuming.
	―Ferfrendongles, Aug 2015
%
China built a wall and now they have almost no Mexicans.
	―Minnasote, May 2016
%
Saying that, "Spying is OK because you have nothing to hide." is like saying,
"Taking away free speech is OK because you have nothing to say."
	―SuryasBitch, Sep 2016
%
Most of the time when a pickup line 'works', it was actually just said by a
good looking person.
	―rjs5, Oct 2016
%
If I push the right buttons, in the right order, on the machine on my desk, I
could make millions of dollars.
	―[deleted], Apr 2014
%
What if the Placebo Effect is a lie and taking pill-sized amounts of sugar is
just a really fucking healthy thing to do.
	―AnimationAbomination, Jan 2015
%
In the dog world, humans are elves that routinely live to be 500+ years old.
	―hypermog, Feb 2015
%
Do sperm banks give out their wi-fi password instead of porn magazines now?
	―r-squared11, Mar 2015
%
Batman is a good name for a man who sees via echolocation, Daredevil is a
great name for a billionaire vigilante
	―vidoardes, Jan 2016
%
I think a lot of the conflict in the Wild West could've been avoided had
architects designed their towns big enough for everybody.
	―leviathannTV, Apr 2016
%
Females is much more fun to say if you pronounce it like tamales
	―NiceLasers, Jul 2016
%
When the person who invented the usb dies, they better put the coffin in the
ground, bring it back out, flip it over and put it back in.
	―DanielCozzella, Aug 2016
%
Those who make a big deal out of people sharing 99% of genes with chimps don't
mention that people also share 50% of genes with bananas
	―jursla, Oct 2016
%
Since celery is 90% water, if I tried walking on it, I'd be 90% like Jesus.
	―Engr89, Mar 2015
%
When the first single celled organism divided, it created life on earth in its
own image
	―JonesLanding, Oct 2015
%
I swear I came up with 'the floor is lava' game but apparently so did everyone
else.
	―postymcpostpost, Mar 2016
%
There are probably thousands of video tapes buried in time capsules that will
be un-watchable because VCR's were not buried with them.
	―takesthebiscuit, Aug 2016
%
I'm not who I think I am. I'm not who others think I am. I am who I think
others think I am.
	―wolfman863, Feb 2013
%
Google should give you an award if you're the first person to ever Google
something.
	―4firstnames, Feb 2015
%
Star Wars Episode VII will be the first in the series released in the correct
order corresponding to its number.
	―thorpecthorpe, Oct 2015
%
Being an adult now, in hindsight, I've realized "cool parents" are just bad
parents.
	―WaarisZ, Mar 2016
%
When you're fat, everyday is leg day.
	―thelifeofbumbum, Mar 2016
%
People bring kids to art galleries filled with statues of topless women, but
if I walk topless through an art gallery I'll be arrested for obscenity.
	―OhHiGCHQ, Jun 2016
%
I wish life had a Koopa flying around in a cloud like Mario Kart, that would
tell me when I'm going in the wrong direction
	―Aj4y, Feb 2015
%
Every time you paint a room, it gets very fractionally smaller.
	―Noosepeg9000, Apr 2015
%
Shampoo is a really weird word.
	―Joshywat, Dec 2015
%
Deadpool is pretty much a comedy movie, with action-relief.
	―Wee_littlegaffer, Mar 2016
%
The same people who told us 'if you've done nothing wrong you've got nothing
to hide' are the same who are saying 'where I hide my money has nothing to do
with you'
	―Unorofessional, Apr 2016
%
I smile at dogs more than I smile at humans.
	―hollidaychh, Aug 2016
%
Bathroom graffiti was the original 4chan.
	―yazmattaz, Nov 2013
%
Churches are like bookclubs that only ever discuss one book.
	―leilalei, Dec 2014
%
Being able to kill one bird with one stone doesn't get enough credit.
	―MettaGangMember, Jul 2015
%
I wonder if prostitutes tell their clients "It's been a business doing
pleasure with you."
	―roflhitler, Sep 2015
%
The game Fuck, Marry, Kill could totally be renamed Fork, Spoon, Knife
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
Jamba Juice and Pizza Hut should merge to create Jamba the Hut.
	―drain65, Oct 2016
%
If you end up living to be 100, then your age right now is like a percentage
of how much of your life you've lived.
	―samtg500, Jul 2014
%
Everyone you know sees you as a side character in their own life story
	―iXelandro, Jul 2015
%
Walruses are sabertooth seals.
	―aprilshowerz, Feb 2016
%
Ted Cruz should be forced to wait 48 hours and undergo counselling before he
can abort his campaign
	―nowag, May 2016
%
I have yet to see absolute proof that I'm not immortal
	―IceTwenty, Aug 2014
%
Over the past 10 years, they've been taking away our progress bars and
replacing them with "loading circles" that don't tell us any useful
information. How did we let this happen
	―Inceptagon, Oct 2015
%
If you watch porn on the International Space Station will there still be women
who want anonymous sex just a few miles away?
	―pubercuts, Mar 2016
%
You don't have 9 foot ceilings, you have 9 foot walls.
	―dwehttam, May 2016
%
The best part about self-driving cars is the fact they will actually use their
turn signals.
	―theUSpopulation, Oct 2016
%
We all are at bottom of an ocean of air.
	―reddevilvaibs, Jun 2014
%
I want somebody to flush a camera down the toilet while recording and
uploading the journey it takes through all the pipes on Youtube
	―EtrainFilmz, Feb 2015
%
If the universe is 4-dimensional and we perceive the 4th spacial dimension as
'time', then we're just a stretched-out spaghetti-like string with our newborn
self at the beginning and our old self at the end. Our consciousness is like a
spark of electricity traveling down a wire.
	―AltForMyRealOpinion, Feb 2016
%
The more interracial sex we have now, the less we'll be able to have later.
	―meqad, Apr 2016
%
If you're not sick right now, take a minute to be grateful for being able to
breath unobstructed, move ache free, or be more than 20 feet from a toilet.
	―Porygon_is_innocent, May 2016
%
If oceanographers ever found a Kraken, they would put it in an aquarium. Then
an animal activist group would start a mob outside with signs saying "Release
the Kraken!"
	―KellyfromLeedsUK, Jul 2016
%
Considering Plankton was able to create his wife Karen, who seems to have all
the artificial intelligence of IBM'S Watson, he could have had a pretty
promising career in computer science, yet he chose to manage a fast food
restaurant.
	―r_il, Oct 2016
%
A poor whore is a destitute prostitute.
	―strangelycutlemon, Sep 2013
%
Babies cry all the time because the worst thing that's ever happened to them,
happens on a regular basis.
	―darwinwasadopted, Feb 2015
%
They should call cowboy clothes "Ranch Dressing"
	―idderzz, Feb 2015
%
Jehovah's Witnesses should open a gym called Jehovah's Fitness
	―a12345678910, Oct 2014
%
Lorde should name her next album "Have Mercy"
	―mefman00, Dec 2014
%
Every time someone finds a video-game "score" at a flea market, there's a dude
somewhere that doesn't know his mom is selling his shit.
	―fjfjfjf88888, Jul 2016
%
The creators of "How It's Made" should make a show about "How the Hell They
Discovered That", with the origin stories of food creations, inventions, and
flubs along the way
	―yomifrackle, Mar 2015
%
There should be a sperm bank called "Get a Load of This Guy".
	―FriendFoundAccount, May 2015
%
If a vegan treats a girl "like a piece of meat," he is probably actually quite
respectful.
	―comebackjonstewart, Nov 2015
%
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit
forever.
	―secret-clouds, Jan 2016
%
Every time I get a notification that I got a message on reddit, my first
thought is, "Alright, what did I say to make someone angry this time"
	―INeededACoolerName, Feb 2016
%
What if Genies were real until somebody wished they weren't?
	―Raevix, Apr 2016
%
Betty White has been an old lady for my entire life, and I am 33.
	―goodgamble, Jan 2015
%
Computers freeze when they get too hot.
	―cyberchief, Apr 2015
%
If we find primitive alien life, the only way we should intervene is by
building Pyramids
	―IAmAHistoryMajor, Jul 2015
%
I bet teen pregnancies have gone down because you can buy condoms at self
checkouts now.
	―[deleted], Aug 2015
%
There are millions upon millions of plants growing across the globe that were
planted by their seeds being carried by wind and animals, in the some of the
harshest conditions...and I can't grow a f---ing tomato plant in a pot with
special soil and instructions how to do so.
	―KAsInKnife, Sep 2015
%
when I see a pretty girl and she is smoking I just think "what a waste"
	―sabre_170, Oct 2016
%
I really hope Jeff Dunham carefully invested all that money from the 8 months
when everyone thought he was funny.
	―Naznarreb, Oct 2014
%
You get tears when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.
	―rohan8888, May 2015
%
I used to be the youngest person alive
	―Flinggo, Apr 2016
%
The word "Language" is technically onomatopoeia.
	―kittendetective, Oct 2013
%
Mitch Hedberg was the king of shower thoughts
	―algebraicdomination, Feb 2014
%
Browsing Reddit when bored is like the virtual version of checking the
refrigerator
	―Br1nker, Feb 2015
%
Reddit should have a /r/BIFU group. The acronym stands for Before I F*ck
Up. It's a place you can go to and say things like, "Today, I'm going to shave
my anus. What could possibly go wrong?"
	―ccgrace85, Feb 2015
%
I bet if you texted "I heard what you said about me" to every person in your
phone you could find out some real shit for sure.
	―squirtingispeeing, Jun 2015
%
Beef jerky is like a cow raisin
	―coopaloop28, Oct 2015
%
Women are the original 3D printers.
	―Kandiu09, Sep 2014
%
Banks should issue an "anti-PIN" for debit and credit cards that serves as a
distress signal and signifies that the cardholder is under coercion.
	―a_wandering_vagrant, Oct 2014
%
At some point in history, a mosquito has to have bitten into a pimple and
thought "What the fuck is this?"
	―GSpiff, Jul 2015
%
Bungee jumping is all the thrills of suicide, but none of the commitment
	―lostinspam, Aug 2015
%
Mars is the only known planet to be inhabited entirely by robots
	―_Bandza, Aug 2016
%
I wish I could enjoy sleeping, while asleep.
	―Elasticbunny, Oct 2016
%
If you named your alcohol "Responsibly," then your competitors would do all of
your advertising for you.
	―morbidmuppets, Mar 2016
%
Even if you are not successful in life, you are guaranteed to get two
certificates.
	―BookerGinger, Oct 2015
%
Half of Blink 182 is Wink 91
	―GarrettSucks, Nov 2015
%
If we never had leap years, today would be July 11, 2017.
	―jagershotzz, Feb 2016
%
I wonder if I've ever played against the same random person in two totally
different online games without even knowing it
	―howdoesbucket, Apr 2016
%
Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from
the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever.
	―Jorogasm, Jun 2016
%
I haven't clicked "page 2" on my Google researches for years.
	―king_hippo_423, Aug 2016
%
If you're deaf, every fart is a gamble
	―fleonsky, Aug 2016
%
If the point of life is to have kids, and the point of your kids' lives is to
have kids of their own, then life is just a pyramid scheme.
	―WhatIsPoop, Sep 2013
%
For the last season of American Idol, they should have all the former winners
come back and compete against each other to decide who the all - time best is
	―kaps84, May 2015
%
Why do women's razor ads always show someone shaving their already perfectly
hairless leg? Like, show me your razor shaving a man's leg, or a gorilla, and
I'd be a lot more likely to buy it.
	―JerryHasACubeButt, Jul 2015
%
NSFW tags on showerthoughts are fucking useless.
	―leftovercaffeine, Jan 2016
%
If humanity was wiped out today there would still be bots posting on reddit.
	―trickman01, Apr 2016
%
No more puns.
	―drumcowski, Feb 2014
%
There will be a day in my life that I will be the hottest, dapperest, most
handsome I've ever been and ever will be.
	―SmithFire13, Jan 2015
%
If the lowest American dollar bill is $1, and the lowest Canadian dollar bill
is $5, do Canadian strippers make more money on average?
	―DVRavenTsuki, Apr 2015
%
If I was a cashier at a pot shop, I would greet customers with "How high are
you today?" Instead of "Hi, how are you today?".
	―Urgafurg, Jul 2015
%
If cops need to shoot dogs to stay safe, our postal workers are woefully
unarmed.
	―FreedomsTorch, Dec 2015
%
When I was a kid I thought knowing how to spell "Mississippi" would be much
more important than it is now
	―AtomicEmerson, Oct 2016
%
A centipede's body is mostly armpits
	―darkpassengerdriving, Jun 2013
%
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
	―timopod5, Nov 2013
%
Me compulsively browsing reddit as soon as I wake up is the equivalent of my
dad reading the morning paper
	―DannyDuberstein92, Dec 2014
%
The first guy to shave his face must have freaked some people out.
	―mrsinatra777, Sep 2016
%
I bet it's pretty hard to give a loud, impassioned political speech in Germany
nowadays.
	―SeymourLevov, Nov 2013
%
"Condoms Are For Pussies" would be a great condom brand slogan.
	―Jonny_EP3, Apr 2015
%
When someone pulls up in a Kia Soul and gets out of the car and they aren't a
hamster I'm a little disappointed.
	―Zero_Cool_72, Jul 2016
%
Glass half full and Glass half empty doesn't depend on your philosophical bend
as much as it depends on whether it was poured half way up or drank half way
down
	―Waldrom, Aug 2016
%
Batman v Superman should have been 2 movies released at the same time, but
from each perspective.
	―Fauxe_Reality, Aug 2016
%
Stop smoking ads has gotten to the point where they're more obnoxious than
smokers themselves
	―Bear_Wizard72, Aug 2016
%
"Righty tighty lefty loosey" also applies to Democrats and Republicans
	―morelolthanyou, Sep 2014
%
You have no idea what you've forgotten about.
	―Faelar, Sep 2014
%
If you wore a green suit, you could beat up a weather channel anchor and
nobody would know whats going on
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
If the NSA is recording everything that passes along the internet, couldn't
record and film companies use their draconian copyright laws to sue them?
	―_batou, Oct 2015
%
How cool would it be to see your brain's "task manager"
	―dontdoutyme, Jan 2016
%
If Wikipedia wanted to reach the donation goal quicker, they should hold
"blackouts" around exam weeks.
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
If the pen is mightier than the sword, then the keyboard is mightier than the
assault rifle
	―AsianMidgett, Dec 2015
%
A prostitute could technically refer to people they've slept with as "someone
from work".
	―newkyd, Feb 2016
%
It's weird, since I installed ad-blocker there's been a lot less women in my
area dying to meet me.
	―ThePourquoiPas, May 2016
%
The teenagers that made fun of me in school for being nerd and playing a
musical instrument are now adults who want their kids to perform like I did in
school.
	―skewedpan, Jul 2016
%
Captain America would probably be unintentionally sexist and racist, due to
attitudes when he was frozen
	―Aardvark_Man, May 2014
%
Writers of terms and conditions should be legally obligated to include a Tl;Dr
at the end of every contract
	―1800sWereTheDays, Oct 2014
%
Every time you paint a room, it gets slightly smaller.
	―SupermanKnits, Jun 2016
%
I would rather find $5 on the ground then have my local WNBA team win a
national championship
	―Jaxatr, Aug 2016
%
The Walmart Greeters I appreciate the most are the ones who don't greet me.
	―ImmAPear, Aug 2016
%
The reason they sell popcorn at the movies (instead of chips) is so that you
can still hear the movie over the sound of your chewing
	―ejmb393, Mar 2014
%
School doesn't even test your intelligence, it tests your memory.
	―qatarmoney, Dec 2014
%
The studio that has the rights to Groundhog Day should release the movie again
as Groundhog Day 2.
	―TheVents2544, Feb 2015
%
I should flip my tinder profile pic upside down, so that when people turn
their phones, they're swiping the wrong direction...
	―2928387191, Aug 2015
%
Using the flashlight on my 1% charged phone to find the charger is basically
the premise of Suicide Squad.
	―bmills2, Jan 2016
%
We judge the quality of seafood by how little it tastes like seafood.
	―jazzarad, Jan 2016
%
One day, we're going to have to explain to our kids how we wasted our valuable
and limited Helium resources on party balloons...
	―miyabiz, Jul 2016
%
The hardest thing I ever attempted to do was to come up with a new letter of
the alphabet without it sounding like the 26 that already existed
	―wycliffe_andre, Jul 2016
%
Maybe if we announce that Buzzfeed's shutting down, Buzzfeed will announce
that it's shutting down.
	―nhooyr, Sep 2016
%
Closing your eyes after turning off your alarm is a very dangerous game.
	―Shore20, Sep 2016
%
Maybe zombies moan "brains", not because they like them, but to give us a clue
where to strike them in order to end their misery.
	―Cptnmikey, Jun 2015
%
Our grandchildren will think of gasoline-powered cars the way we think of
steam engines
	―[deleted], Jun 2015
%
I wonder if turtles think that frogs are homeless?
	―tastosis, Jul 2015
%
I always take for granted how awesome it is that my body is waterproof. I can
confidently jump in a pool or a bath tub without the fear of my insides
filling up with water and dying.
	―vlndleee, Feb 2016
%
The first person to have had twins must have been really freaked out
	―Yoder97, Jul 2016
%
Instead of 'faking your own death' we should just call it "Pseudocide"
	―WordingCounts, Sep 2014
%
High School should have a required class called life where they teach finance,
real estate, taxes, and other essential life skills.
	―eL_HaXo, Oct 2014
%
Ever notice that "strap on" spelled backwards reads "no parts"?
	―rotll, Nov 2014
%
If alcohol were invented right now, it would be classified as an extremely
dangerous drug, and a societal threat.
	―slystabbone, Feb 2015
%
I can kiss your lips, look into your eyes, but suddenly it's weird if I sniff
your nose.
	―Demihaze, Apr 2015
%
Sad, lonely people are imagined as living with cats because you can't be
lonely living with dogs.
	―saravannan14, Sep 2015
%
The person who invented swimming was the first person who didn't drown
	―Brians_Brian, Oct 2016
%
Neither the word 'elevator' or 'lift' imply that they also go down.
	―Alloutagum, Jun 2014
%
If it weren't for porn, many of us wouldn't know what a beautiful woman looks
like naked.
	―[deleted], Jun 2014
%
My father can't control himself around an open bag of chips. I can't control
myself around an open bottle of vodka. My family's weakness is potatoes.
	―Kerouacky, Nov 2015
%
If everyone alive today would blink at the same time, no one would notice.
	―Thilo-Costanza, Sep 2013
%
Because of inflation the five dollar milkshake from Pulp Fiction doesn't seem
so expensive now.
	―molloyda108, Jan 2015
%
I've only ever said "I hate you " to the people I wholeheartedly love.
	―wolf-brother, Jun 2015
%
Holding down the "Print Screen" button should create a gif of what was
happening on your screen while you were holding it.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
You know you're a millennial when ordering a side of guac is a financial
decision.
	―bobgramatges, May 2016
%
There should be a 'binge on' button in Netflix that automatically skips the
theme song.
	―storietorie, Aug 2016
%
Driverless cars will be awesome, but not until everyone is using them. The
in-between stage will be Road Rage Against the Machine.
	―cabridges, Oct 2016
%
Maybe instead of exchanging the Ray Rice jerseys people should just cut the
sleeves off. Turn them into wife beaters.
	―michie05, Sep 2014
%
There should be an app like tinder where you approve someone based on their
interests before seeing a picture so those of us who don't want to date can
just freaking find friends!
	―nobodys_somebody, Mar 2015
%
If you slap Dwayne Johnson's ass, could you say you've hit rock bottom?
	―_-fLux-_, May 2015
%
Oral sex probably got more popular after soap was discovered.
	―Saladatea, Sep 2015
%
After overhearing a girl ask if cocaine was gluten free, I think I'm
officially done with LA.
	―Dodgeriscool, Dec 2015
%
Being a teenager is the awkward stage where you like adults more than the
kids, but the kids like you more than the adults do.
	―African_AIDS, Dec 2015
%
The Onion should publish one serious article just to see people try to
interpret it as satire.
	―quinoa_achebe, Feb 2015
%
Ever since I got adblock all the single horny women have lost interest.
	―AzRyider, Apr 2015
%
Faking using the restroom in order to waste time is a very literal form of
stalling.
	―BlueOysterCowbell, May 2015
%
People would quit doing most of the dumb stuff with their bodies if they had
HP bar they could see like in video games.
	―Tommy_Andretti, Sep 2015
%
Michael Bay probably *loves* his Galaxy Note 7
	―nomnomnomnomRABIES, Oct 2016
%
30 or 40 years from now, the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings movies will be
considered old, inevitably prompting remakes
	―HowIKnowYoureBritish, Jun 2013
%
There should be a reverse Angie's List where contractors can look up how
customers treat people they hire
	―TheClemmer, Nov 2014
%
23 years on this planet, and I've only now realised that the yellow capsules
inside Kinder eggs are the yoke of an egg.
	―WutUtalkingBoutWill, Aug 2015
%
People say that playing violent videogames will turn you into a violent
person. I've been playing sports videogames for some time and I'm still not an
athletic person.
	―Psychii_, May 2016
%
On April Fools Day, Brazzers should make a video where a hot male plumber goes
to a sorority house and fixes the toilet and leaves normally
	―Aaliyah93, May 2016
%
When deaf people get in fights, they can let their fists do the talking.
	―iSunMonkey, Jul 2016
%
Female cockroaches should be called cuntroaches
	―Torus-XY, May 2015
%
Reddit is like a giant support group for people who are bored.
	―w_w_coach_taylor_do, May 2015
%
I'm still hopeful that I'll see a girl I know or an ex on one of the nsfw/gone
wild subs.
	―NowFreeToMaim, Sep 2015
%
My Dad got his breaking news from Walter Cronkite. I get mine from someone
named /u/showershitters
	―bedpan3, Nov 2015
%
PornHub on mobile should have a "one-handed" mode.
	―KittenTeam10, Mar 2016
%
The look of frustration I give my gf as she takes forever to get ready to go
is the same look my dog gives me as I put on socks and shoes before being able
to take him out
	―Lionessandlover, May 2016
%
The saying "It's easier to keep up than to catch up" is true for pretty much
everything in life. Everything except Mario Kart.
	―snacksthecat, Aug 2014
%
There could have been boneless dinosaurs and we would never know about
	―GeraldBWilsonJr, Jul 2016
%
I will consider myself an adult when I can consistently and correctly cook the
amount of pasta I need to eat
	―MrGrayandPink, Oct 2016
%
If I had the ability to stop time, I would just use it to take naps.
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
30 years from now we'll probably view soda in the same way as we see
cigarettes.
	―Pezomi, Jul 2015
%
Mothers who become friends because their kids are the same age are only
friends because they had sex at roughly the same time
	―Archada, Jan 2016
%
I have a Samsung. When I call my girlfriend at college, I'm calling from a
Galaxy far, far away.
	―TapiocaTuesday, Jan 2016
%
Even Popeye didn't eat spinach until he had to.
	―_____gate, Jun 2016
%
At this very moment, someone you greatly admire may be taking a shit.
	―crazysnail, Jul 2013
%
When someone tells you, "don't let anyone tell you how to live your life,"
it's someone telling you how to live your life.
	―CansOfKrylon, Aug 2013
%
The more exes you have the more names you don't have for your future child
	―Vonbonnery, Jun 2015
%
If pigs could fly just imagine how good their wings would taste.
	―Smigg_e, Sep 2015
%
This Ahmed kid should make watches and call them terror wrists
	―ThreeUrinalCakes, Sep 2015
%
The year 2024 is closer than 2005.
	―Ronaldinho52, Sep 2015
%
If you went back in time and met yourself, both versions of yourself would see
each other as the "old" you.
	―Primetime22, Oct 2015
%
There are parents that were born in the year 2000
	―atinyturtle, Mar 2016
%
I'm glad to live in a society where seeing a woman in yoga pants is socially
acceptable
	―takeinalready, Jun 2016
%
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveller to prevent planet of the apes
becoming reality
	―TechSym, Aug 2016
%
If I could teleport, I'd still probably be late everywhere.
	―IamSkudd, Oct 2016
%
It used to be a luxury to get produce from across the world, but now it's a
luxury to get them locally
	―staarkiid, Oct 2016
%
Ghosts that haunt graveyards are really lazy
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
when you're too shy to ask a girl for her number you never see her again, but
if you ask a girl and she turns you down you see her at chipotle and bars and
parties and on a megabus to El Paso
	―jac283, Mar 2016
%
Everyone calls them dick pics. Why are we not calling them dictures?
	―LeBurge, Apr 2016
%
If nude pictures of a person with a twin get leaked, its almost as bad for the
twin
	―PostHipsterCool, Apr 2014
%
Technically, you can go the whole rest of your life without eating or drinking
	―HanumanKingBar, Jul 2015
%
What if Americans colonize Mars but the American colonies declare
independence?
	―theGruntingGargoyle, May 2016
%
Instead of trying to invent a time machine, we should create a time which
entices future time machine inventors to come back and visit.
	―EvenEvan13, Aug 2016
%
You know a film will be serious when the studio's logo has no music.
	―imofficiallybored, Oct 2016
%
Reddit should allow posts to go into negatives so that we can see the "back
page" as well as the front page.
	―THE_PUSSY_IMPALER, Aug 2014
%
When you first start dating someone, you are entering an unspoken contest to
see who can hold their farts in the longest.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
We live in a time in which we can listen to virtually any song on at any time,
but if a song I love happens to come on the radio, I am THRILLED
	―madethisatwork, May 2016
%
I was always annoyed as a child when adults said, "pokemans." Now, as an
adult, I am annoyed by children who say, "pokemans."
	―im_probably_tripping, Jul 2016
%
They should make a Batman Shampoo, and pair it with a Conditioner Gordon.
	―Panda_Kabob, Aug 2016
%
When I forget an account password its like a test to see how well I know
myself
	―bakedincali4, Sep 2016
%
God is often depicted as male and this offends many people. The same people
don't care that Satan is depicted as male too.
	―LordFluffy, Sep 2016
%
I wish I could know how many people thought about me when they were
masturbating
	―TeNgRi95, Sep 2016
%
You know, if Frodo had turned into a ringwraith, he'd be the cutest, least
intimidating wraith ever. Maybe he'd even get a tiny fell-beast to ride.
	―RedWinget, Dec 2014
%
We're likely less than a generation away from the question "Do you smoke?"
being generally interpreted as marijuana rather than tobacco.
	―whothehellispat2, Apr 2015
%
A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber.
	―nikkibiatch, May 2015
%
The videos you watch before you find the right one to masturbate to are really
just Fap-itizers
	―gwarster, May 2015
%
Copy and Paste is arguably one of the greatest inventions in the history of
the world.
	―igetreallybored, Jul 2015
%
LMNOP is like the face melting guitar solo of the ABC song.
	―Elderbridge, Nov 2015
%
As a child, I wanted to be an adult because of the freedoms it would give (R
rated movies, drinking, driving, etc.) As an adult, I want to be a child
because of the freedoms it would give (free time, no bills, sleeping in, etc.)
	―filler1234, Nov 2015
%
If reddit provided an option for users to give someone the opposite of gold
(like a brown turd), people would probably be more likely to pay to let
someone know just how terrible their comment or post is.
	―samicktorino, Jan 2016
%
If baldness was as common in women as men, we would have found a cure by now
	―jnothing, Jul 2016
%
Today would be a terrible day to introduce an overweight friend to Reddit.
	―thearcticcat, Jun 2015
%
When a lightsaber runs low on battery, does it get shorter or dimmer?
	―davidwhalley, Jan 2016
%
trust falls are bulsshit. I would trust my best friend with my life, but I'm
sure he would let me fall, film the whole thing and upload it to facebook
	―Idroxyd, Mar 2016
%
I wonder if Nicholas Cage and John Trovolta have used the face swap app yet.
	―I_Once_Reddit, Mar 2016
%
If sans means 'without,' then comic sans means it's not fucking funny
	―cleighr, Dec 2014
%
If you ever have to find an actual needle in an actual haystack, you could
just burn the haystack.
	―Sexual_tomato, May 2015
%
Humans cut down trees to build bird houses.
	―wirelessgypsy, Jul 2015
%
Tinfoil hatters probably thought it was a huge conspiracy when tin was
replaced with aluminum.
	―mwhaskin, Oct 2015
%
Ignorance is only bliss when it's mine. When it's somebody else's, then it's
torture.
	―The_Possum, Dec 2015
%
If you're accused of being argumentative and defensive, it's impossible to
debate it.
	―rahtin, Apr 2016
%
The outdated slang words "square" and "radical" are opposites of each other,
just like they are in math.
	―q_uist, Aug 2016
%
I like to go to self checkout because it doesn't judge me.
	―ChubZilinski, Oct 2016
%
A doctor is a veterinarian that only has to work on one species.
	―Mr_Quackums, Oct 2016
%
A comma is a pause in a sentence. A coma is a pause in a life.
	―broskalini, Oct 2014
%
I choose my friends based on whether we hate the same things more than on
whether we like the same things
	―daKing333, Oct 2015
%
There's way less public bathroom graffiti these days due to the advent of
pooping with a smartphone in hand.
	―chief_dirtypants, Jan 2016
%
After the credits of a film that is "based on a true story" there should be a
brief summary of the differences between the film and reality.
	―charstar91, Mar 2016
%
If the whole Harambe situation has proven anything: We sure as hell aren't
ready for Jurassic Park.
	―SixFeetOfMan, Jun 2016
%
There should be a 5 year marriage available. When the time is up, you could
renew it, or just let it go.
	―Breeze_in_the_Trees, Jun 2016
%
If we put the tags for underwear on the outside, they would still remain
unseen but would cure itchy butts.
	―Snowball3ffect, Aug 2016
%
When someone gets arrested they should be allowed to make a one sentence
statement to accompany their mugshot. Like a senior yearbook quote.
	―whicketywack, Sep 2016
%
Star Wars is about 1 war and billions of stars. It should be called Stars War.
	―KajiKaji, Jun 2013
%
Maybe the original Matrix was so accurate that the machines made the sequels
suck to throw us off.
	―[deleted], May 2015
%
In Canada they eliminated the use of pennies. When the price ends in 3 or 4
cents they round up to 5 cents and when it is 1 or 2 cents they round
down. Therefore my 2 cents on a subject isn't worth shit.
	―TR4VE, May 2015
%
If a girl doesn't make you wear a condom, she probably didn't make anyone else
wear one either...
	―jc_work, Jul 2016
%
Wolverine could've saved more lives by becoming a multiple organ donor than
being an x men.
	―subliminalthoughts31, Oct 2016
%
There have been no "how I got rich" books that involve ever reading a "how I
got rich" book
	―JedNoonan, Oct 2016
%
I would much rather take a shit in the woods than take a shit in a porta
potty.
	―NotchyPitchu, Oct 2016
%
We swallow our spit all day every day but the second it leaves our mouths it
becomes disgusting
	―ahhvey, Apr 2014
%
The only things you actually have control over are muscle contractions and
your inner monologue. Everything the human race has ever accomplished has come
from a combination of these two things.
	―sugemchuge, Apr 2014
%
When my son is old enough to post on reddit I really will have done OP's mom.
	―KingBooRadley, Sep 2015
%
Click-bait has trained me to fight my natural curiosity.
	―TheLongFinger, May 2016
%
Elon Musk should come out with a self-titled Cologne.
	―NDoilworker, Aug 2016
%
Faking during sex should be refered to as Sargasam.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
Trying to get rich by winning the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by
flying on commercial airlines.
	―Jaek0, Apr 2016
%
How many trees does it take before you start calling it a forest?
	―PlumbsWithWolves, Jun 2016
%
I wonder if Native Americans are (secretly) laughing at the irony that white
Americans are terrified their country is being taken over by a bunch
immigrants who want to impose a new religion on this land.
	―NowTimeDothWasteMe, Sep 2016
%
Chestnuts should be slang for boobs
	―Saberale122, Oct 2016
%
"I before E except after C" is disproved by science.
	―forevergelo, Dec 2014
%
There is probably someone out there literally taking a dump from 2014 to 2015
	―a_wild_lemon, Dec 2014
%
What if Hawking's computer has attained AI and is answering exactly the
opposite of what he is trying to say just to fuck with humans?
	―kjvlv, Jul 2015
%
What if the Egyptians used to have an advanced written language like ours but
became addicted to memes and eventually just started using pictures to
communicate?
	―gruesomeflowers, Aug 2015
%
Americans have to be 420 months old to become president.
	―1wjl1, Jan 2016
%
I gave up soda because it's unhealthy, but three or four nights a week, I
consume alcohol that could severely damage my liver and see nothing wrong with
it.
	―FredVogel, Feb 2016
%
For an atheist, I sure use "I swear to god" and "Jesus Christ!" a lot.
	―AdamOnDemand, Jul 2016
%
I cannot bother to watch a two hour movie on Netflix but I can binge-watch a
show, where one episode is 50 minutes long.
	―ubuntulive, Jul 2016
%
Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also, no.
	―itim__office, Sep 2016
%
Getting Reddit gold and not editing your comment to say thank you is like
walking away from an explosion and not looking back
	―Super_Link, Apr 2014
%
"Emoticons" sounds like a group of sensitive transformers.
	―PURPLEDONGOFTHANOS, Jul 2015
%
Been playing D&D since I was a kid and some adults were concerned I
couldn't tell fantasy from reality. The same adults tried to get me into
religion.
	―nathanknaack, Sep 2016
%
there must be millions of comments on reddit that never got viewed by anyone
except the OP
	―gablopico, Sep 2016
%
If taking someones life made your penis half an inch shorter, and saving
someones life made it half an inch longer, the world would be a much better
place right now.
	―Amplifier_Worship, Jan 2015
%
If rat poison kills more animals than just rats, maybe we just call it poison
	―reddit-user-6913, May 2015
%
I always tell my dog to have a good day when I leave for work, but I don't
know if he actually does have a good day or not.
	―stengebt, Sep 2016
%
If someone were to take the flesh-eating drug Krokodil and rage-inducing bath
salts at the same time, they could become a very realistic-looking zombie.
	―MY_HARD_BOILED_EGGS, Sep 2013
%
Almost every sound outside is an animal trying to get laid
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
"Lollygagging" sounds like someone deep throating a lollipop.
	―HardKeanu, Sep 2015
%
George McFly paid to have his car cleaned by someone that tried to rape his
wife. That's a bit fucked up.
	―bugphotoguy, Feb 2016
%
If homosexual sex is no longer counted as intercourse in Florida, then that
means that no homosexual can be charged for having sex in public. They get a
free pass.
	―JimmyL2014, Feb 2015
%
The Earth is flying through space, and rotating on its axis. This means when
you wake up in your bed in the morning, you're hundreds of miles away from
where you got into your bed.
	―tomw212, May 2015
%
Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man could be perceived as instructions on how to
make a snow angel.
	―spiritcrusher77, Nov 2015
%
When doing the limbo, if you set the bar low, then you’re setting the bar
high.
	―jackleinmark, Aug 2016
%
Men get compliments so rarely that I have never heard a bloke get complimented
about anything except his work, ever.
	―Name_And_stuff, Sep 2016
%
Horrible and horrific are synonyms. Terrible and terrific are antonyms.
	―Xyexs, Oct 2016
%
How does Superman have any muscle mass? It's not like he can do resistance
training.
	―imjusta_bill, Jul 2014
%
National anthems are country music
	―domokenshin, Aug 2014
%
The four elements: Earth, Water, Air, Fire represent the four states of matter
Solid, Liquid, Gas, Plasma..
	―YoussefV, Aug 2014
%
Teen movies used to take place in and around a high school setting; now
they're all set in dystopian futures.
	―McClure_Esq, Mar 2016
%
Spider-man used to take selfies before they were cool.
	―yahasgaruna, Apr 2016
%
If you dye your hair red, then you are trans-gingered.
	―Oliver_DeNom, Sep 2016
%
The factory that makes caution tape could be a really confusing place to work.
	―tailanyways, Sep 2014
%
Eggs have such a good balance of nutrients because they literally contain all
of the ingredients for a small animal.
	―saltr, Sep 2014
%
What if at the end the first Matrix movie, Neo flies into the sky only to wake
up as Ted Logan, turns to Bill Preston and says "Bill, I just had the most
excellent dream about batteries!" Matrix 2&3 are never made.
	―wolfgrinder, Jun 2015
%
Every time I don't play the lottery I win a dollar.
	―witehare, Jul 2015
%
I want to salute all the hungry humans who died figuring out what was and
wasn't edible
	―the_outer_reaches, Jan 2016
%
Naming new found land Newfoundland is pretty lazy.
	―HerpDerpelton, Apr 2016
%
I boycott every company that has a YouTube ad over 20 seconds with no skip
button.
	―ILoveReksai, May 2016
%
If I owned a company I would not block any porn sites. Then I would fire
anyone stupid enough to watch it at work.
	―madkow77, Jun 2014
%
A phone cover is like a condom, it feels meh using it, and it feels amazing
while not using it, but it's dangerous.
	―baristol123, Apr 2015
%
How has r/goldenshowers not been renamed r/kelly?
	―Hofood, Sep 2015
%
Smart watches should allow you to say "Get Police" and silently contact the
local police station and allow them to listen in and locate your
location. Regardless of data plans.
	―just_let_him_finish, Mar 2016
%
If two pregnant women get into a fistfight, it's like a mech battle between
two babies
	―sheepsleepdeep, Apr 2016
%
Technically, cannibals are at the top of the food chain.
	―mehog124, Jun 2016
%
The Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should go on tour together and title it the
"Goo Goo Gaga" tour
	―Dr_Jaz, Oct 2016
%
Threatening to call the cops is the adult version of saying "I'm telling on
you."
	―ThisIsPhantomhive, Jan 2014
%
Reddit is the only site where I actually want to read the comments.
	―amateur_polymath, Feb 2015
%
If I tell my auto insurance provider that I now identify as female, do my
rates go down?
	―oureyes, May 2016
%
Every single decision you have ever taken has led to you reading this
sentence.
	―drDOOM_is_in, Aug 2016
%
Mike Rowe could open his own brewery and call it Mike Rowe Brewing.
	―speedy621, Sep 2014
%
Even if you don't believe in Santa, odds are your gifts were made by tiny
people in an unpaid, dangerous environment.
	―lmMrMeeseeksLookAtMe, Dec 2014
%
Google should tally all the scores from the offline dinosaur game in an area
and bring Google Fiber to whichever area racks up the most points.
	―miniman830, Oct 2015
%
As a left-hander, I take for granted the fact that i can scroll my mouse with
my right hand and take notes with my left
	―tennisstar04, May 2016
%
Has anyone ever noticed how in Harry Potter, the soul-eating dementors never
go for Ron?
	―danglyfigger, May 2016
%
I'm 100% convinced that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes
back as an extra tupperware lid.
	―Tm23246, Aug 2016
%
Every time I hear the 20th Century Fox fanfare, I'm slightly diappointed if
I'm not about to watch Star Wars.
	―pricehatesyou, Sep 2016
%
Since everyone is regretting our candidates in 2016, it looks like hindsight
will finally be 2020
	―GlovesaveNABeaut, Oct 2016
%
You could say that slow internet connections are constipated because they need
fiber
	―RagingNerdaholic, Nov 2015
%
All-you-can-eat restaurants should tell you at the end of your meal how much
it would have cost at a normal restaurant
	―ConfusedMandarin, Dec 2015
%
Elves work for free, aren't considered human, and are only 3/5ths the size of
a normal person. Santa owns slaves.
	―RobustUnicorn, Dec 2015
%
Being born wealthy is like getting an RPG video game with a preexisting save
file that has already beaten the game and has all the best armor and weapons.
	―beardedrabbit, Mar 2016
%
The fact that so many of the most successful pop artists don't even write
their own songs basically makes them cover bands...
	―MonsieurLeBeef, Sep 2013
%
A 'gasp' is a sigh but backwards.
	―TFiPW, Oct 2013
%
"NSFW" has more syllables than "Not Safe For Work"
	―Kugelfische03, Dec 2013
%
I would open up an ice-cream place called "Too spoon" and all the flavors
would be named after current trageties.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
The five most reassuring words ever are: "I haven't started yet either"
	―bslamb22, Apr 2015
%
We spend countless hours discussing whether God is real or not, while we could
find it out in a few seconds by killing ourselves
	―legostukje16, Mar 2016
%
Defibrillators are the medical version of "Have you tried turning it off and
on again?"
	―Peter_Zwegat, Mar 2016
%
Dishware and flatware should be sold in sets so your spoon matches the
curvature of the bowls for maximum scoopability.
	―PBR_Sheetz, Jun 2016
%
The best part of any movie based on a true story is the part at the very end
when they show pictures of the actual people the movie was about.
	―humansof, Aug 2016
%
If I'm out walking my dog in public and we both have to pee, only he is
allowed to. We've made laws that are specist against ourselves.
	―SnailHunter, Aug 2013
%
Knocking on someone's door is basically punching their house until they let
you in.
	―My_Sweaty_Thighs, Jan 2014
%
I have 10 million different personalities.. In my testicles.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
When my dog is let in the car he knows we are going to the beach. When I leave
everyday, does he think I spend the day at the beach without him?
	―bluepaintballs, Oct 2014
%
Your first erection is an erection, subsequent erections are resurrections.
	―Pianoooo, Apr 2015
%
I wish I could send Star Wars spoilers to Martin Shkreli since he didn't get
to see it last night.
	―shefoundnow, Dec 2015
%
A garden hose is an extension cord for water.
	―lasrevera, Jun 2016
%
Humanity won't care about investing seriously into space travel, until we are
in a situation where we wished we invested more into space travel.
	―antiswerve, Jul 2016
%
Whoever put an "s" in "lisp" is seriously an asshole.
	―rayneyday13, Feb 2014
%
I drank nothing but breastmilk for an entire year of my life and I still have
no idea what it tastes like
	―ECHovirus, Oct 2014
%
"Be there or be square!", because you're not a-round.
	―LeVentNoir, Jan 2015
%
If you try to pronounce "lmao" you sound like a french cat
	―Tinferbrains, Apr 2015
%
I wish I could psychically communicate with bugs so I could tell them I'm just
trying to catch them and put them outside and they'd freaking cooperate.
	―jnb64, Aug 2015
%
In professional poker, is Botox considered a performance enhancing drug?
	―Schdbit, Sep 2015
%
If I were to kill a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers left
in the world.
	―WorzelBummidge, Jan 2016
%
I've been to 5 schools, had 9 jobs, driven 4 cars, lived in 8 homes, lost 2
grandparents, had 4 cousins be born...and in all that time, the Simpsons'
living situation has not changed.
	―pjabrony, Mar 2016
%
According to a genital structure, Men should be the ones wearing the skirt and
Women should be wearing trousers...
	―Ahdilable, Jun 2016
%
Why do porn websites have a share to social media option? As if I want Alyssa
from high school to know what I've become
	―jalisconegro, Aug 2016
%
Clint Eastwood is a anagram for "Old west action"
	―Para_Noia, Feb 2015
%
Reddit is a classroom that rewards the class clowns as much as the smart kids
	―CamImmaculate, Jun 2015
%
If you cut too many corners you'll land up going around in circles.
	―cannotdecideaname, Jun 2015
%
You know, I never would have known about Adblocker before some sites thanked
me for not using it, so congratulations, you played yourself
	―akabbl, Feb 2016
%
If a TV Show is cancelled, it should be mandatory for a final episode to be
made that provides viewers with closure.
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
When I eat mini M&M's, I imagine it's just like when Shaq eats regular
M&M's.
	―saintandrewsfall, Mar 2016
%
When people say "I forgot something" it is usually because they remembered
something.
	―ubuntulive, Aug 2016
%
There should be a restaurant called "It doesn't matter" for people to take
their SO's who can't decide on what to eat.
	―Lttngblt, Jun 2013
%
If someone says to you "say one more bad thing about my sister and you'll get
beat up" and you reply "she's good in bed", should you get beat up?
	―pizza_is_a_lie, Dec 2013
%
Your stomach is always filled with warm vomit.
	―Alastiana, Dec 2014
%
Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon
	―Nolaninthedeep, Jun 2015
%
Poor people go missing, rich people get kidnapped.
	―ItsDeathBySnuSnu, Sep 2015
%
Lawyer hopes you're in trouble, doctor hopes you're sick, cops hope you're
criminal, teacher hopes you're stupid but only a thief wishes you prosperity
in life.
	―lazytothinkofaname, Oct 2015
%
Thanks to the internet I've seen more naked woman than any other man in my
family tree.
	―Sir_Clogs_a_lot, Oct 2016
%
If the Virgin Mary had a sister, the sister would be the Auntie Christ!
	―[deleted], Aug 2013
%
We tell kids to not take candy from strangers, but have an entire holiday
dedicated to taking candy from strangers.
	―Whind_Soull, Oct 2015
%
If she types faster on a touchscreen than a keyboard, she's probably too young
for you
	―Frooby, Mar 2016
%
It's never too late to apologize. It only might be too late to have your
apology accepted.
	―burnerthrown, Sep 2016
%
If Bill Nye the science guy were in New York on New Year's Eve, the headline
could be "Nye in NY on NYE".
	―OPs_mum, Jan 2015
%
"My wife thinks I'm hot" is the adult equivalent of "My Mom thinks I'm cool."
	―DrJawn, Jan 2015
%
Coke should partner with Bethesda to make Nuka cola a real product to build
hype for fallout 4.
	―Dert_, Jun 2015
%
Being single and on the "Market", I am finding out that the market is flooded
with defectives, recalls and safety concerns.
	―salparadisimo, Sep 2015
%
Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
	―Zaspar99923, Jan 2016
%
If a horcrux from Harry Potter splits your soul in half then Tom Riddles diary
had far more of Voldemorts soul in it than Voldemort himself
	―Kadinz, Aug 2014
%
For or against same sex marriage there's gonna be a lot of butt hurt people
today
	―sender2bender, Jun 2015
%
I wonder how many awkward things people have said to me I've completely
forgotten about but still makes someone cringe randomly when they are trying
to sleep.
	―SugaBoyOsheean, May 2016
%
Spring time is a giant orgy for trees and plants, and we're allergic to their
semen.
	―turtlenecksareforme, Jun 2013
%
Driverless cars would allow an extra person to call shotgun
	―frobalt, Sep 2014
%
Every post on /r/OSHA should be tagged NSFW
	―Guardian_Ainsel, Jun 2015
%
As my kids grow up, they will initially associate the word "Amazon" with an
online store and not a rain forest in South America.
	―16semesters, Jul 2015
%
Mrs incredible must've had the easiest pregnancy/childbirth.
	―DrasticMeat, Aug 2015
%
Teenagers drive like they have limited time & old people drive like they
have all they time in the world
	―tsmith53149, Dec 2015
%
People these days require more computing power to sit on the toilet than
astronauts did to get to the moon.
	―badf1nger, Aug 2016
%
The last sequence of Jaws should have ended with a black screen displaying:
"Fin"
	―[deleted], Mar 2014
%
The Four Classical Elements (Earth, Water, Air, and Fire) Match the Four
States of Matter (Solid, Liquid, Gas, and Plasma).
	―CaptCash, Jan 2015
%
I wish I could temporarily hide photos on my phone in case someone decides to
swipe left or right.
	―TheJoker93, Jul 2016
%
If suddenly /r/outoftheloop is made private, I won't ever figure out why.
	―HoneyIsTheBestPolicy, Aug 2016
%
The word 'go' doesn't rhyme with 'do' but rhymes with 'slow'. 'Cow' doesn't
rhyme with 'slow' but rhymes with 'plough'. 'Through' and 'dough' rhyme with
neither each other nor 'plough', but rhyme with 'clue and 'foe'
respectively. Learning English pronounciation must be a nightmare.
	―SaradaV, Aug 2013
%
If someone crashed in a self driving Google car, they would have to send a
real crash report to Google.
	―not_today_23, Aug 2014
%
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
	―Athejew, Jan 2015
%
Dogs have no idea that Whales exist.
	―RamThe3rd, Feb 2015
%
Somebodys job is to nail Jesus to the cross every time a crucifix is made
	―crabsandthighs, Feb 2015
%
There should be an Unwatch button for Netflix so I can keep watching a show
after my girlfriend falls asleep and not have her get mad at me.
	―omg_ketchup, Sep 2015
%
If Leonardo Dicaprio wins an Oscar this year, they should get Steve Harvey to
announce it just to make him nervous
	―quitethequietdomino, Jan 2016
%
It's a pretty big fucking coincidence that "Alzheimers" sounds a lot like "old
timers".
	―curemode, Feb 2016
%
7.3 billion people are experiencing the same day in a different way.
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
Scotland is the boyfriend who saved up and bought the expensive engagement
ring, only to get dumped by England.
	―Hass91, Jun 2016
%
If the dead were to ever rise from their graves, they would all be really well
dressed.
	―oleshrimpdog, Aug 2016
%
Space Jam was basically made by having Michael Jordan talk to himself and
shoot baskets on a green screen.
	―FeetOnYourCouch, Sep 2014
%
I wish netflix would sort out holiday episodes so I can binge on them during
their respective seasons.
	―Falco_Columbarius, Oct 2015
%
If the u in misusing is removed it goes missing
	―isrly_eder, May 2016
%
If you go into a fake time machine, you still come out in the future.
	―afivetwozero, Jun 2016
%
You only know how old you are because other people have told you
	―RazaReact, Jun 2016
%
The question "what makes us human?" is essentially what makes us human.
	―JuliTeaPot, Sep 2014
%
When I’m reading a book, it’s like I got a screenplay and I’m the director of
my own movie. Your mind is awesome.
	―docendodiscimus, Nov 2014
%
Growing up is going from being excited for Ralphie getting his Red Ryder BB
gun to seeing how happy and excited the father was the share something amazing
with his son.
	―hoboswithhandgrenade, Dec 2014
%
The guy following Bear Grylls with heavy camera gear is way more badass than
Bear Grylls himself
	―questfailer, Dec 2015
%
Instagram would have been a great name for a marijuana delivery service.
	―Stumpy907, Jun 2016
%
The saddest part about being a cactus; is that they stand around all day with
their arms stretched out, waiting for a hug that will never come.
	―ThePoonRaccoon, Aug 2016
%
When an animal from a zoo is released into the wild, they get an
sleep-injection. After they wake up and are set free, they probably think
they've died and reached heaven
	―youshouldvebeenthere, Oct 2016
%
Did anyone remember to wake up Green Day?
	―kevinerror, Oct 2013
%
There should be a dating app called 'Dealbreaker' where you lead with your
worst qualities so there are no surprises
	―foodcarts, Jul 2015
%
I can drink 10 alcoholic cola mixed drinks every weekend without a second
thought but whenever I drink a normal can of coke I feel like a fat fuck
	―187god, Jan 2016
%
I wonder how many communion wafers you have to eat before you've consumed a
whole Jesus.
	―DagFizz, Jul 2014
%
There are hundreds of songs that I would probably love but will never hear
	―LiquidMonocle, Mar 2015
%
People in the middle ages didn't have pizzas, burgers or chips. I wonder what
epic future food I will miss out on.
	―Dota2TradeAccount, Apr 2015
%
I used to think I wasn't good at anything. Then I realize that I'm really good
at making posts that no one likes.
	―terribly_uncreative, Jul 2015
%
Walking into a glass door is the best complement a window washer can get.
	―justplainskill, Dec 2015
%
Your bed is a shelf you put your body on when you're not using it
	―eccentricelmo, Feb 2016
%
Doesn't matter if you speak or use sign language- you'll develop a stutter
when you get cold.
	―TexasIsCool, May 2016
%
If birds didn't exist would planes?
	―Amputatoes, Nov 2014
%
The Seattle Seahawks have made it to the Super Bowl every year since marijuana
was legalized in their state
	―Fubar904, Jan 2015
%
Ducks are the ultimate animals. They can walk, swim, dive and fly.
	―Alfaron, Feb 2015
%
Does the square block in Tetris really turns when you click the button?
	―redhotchiliguy, Mar 2016
%
Katy Perry spends an entire song saying "you're gonna hear me roar" only for
the song to finish with a lion's roar and not her own.
	―thebumm, Jul 2016
%
If you open Schrödingers box, and the Cat is dead, your Curiosity literally
killed the Cat.
	―MarlinMr, Jul 2016
%
The First Person to Discover That Parrots Can Talk Must Have Been Really
Freaked Out
	―Dill-usional, Aug 2013
%
Shout out to the first guy who pointed to a wolf in the distance and said, "I
think we could be friends."
	―CypressSmallz, Feb 2016
%
There was a point in the past when 1 Terabyte was roughly the total amount of
storage on the planet.
	―Gammy37, Jul 2013
%
a cocaine addict with the flu would be a very unhappy person.
	―[deleted], Sep 2013
%
If Edward Snowden was Chinese, Obama would probably invite him for dinner at
the White House and advocate him as a winner for the Nobel Peace prize.
	―[deleted], Oct 2013
%
What if rocks aren't hard, but just clench when we touch them?
	―WonderSloth, Feb 2014
%
Life is like coming in to a movie in the middle, having someone explain what
happened before you came in, trying to figure out what's going to happen next,
but getting kicked out before the movie ends.
	―GiggleFats, Mar 2015
%
Since most suicidal people who survived jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge
jump regret jumping as soon as they do it, could the Oculus Rift/ other VR be
used as a form of therapy to trick the brain into survival mode?
	―AnnaPlastic, Aug 2015
%
McDonald's should have a 3rd window where you can trade in all the wrong shit
they gave you at the second window
	―Anumix, Jan 2016
%
You know something is wrong with the healthcare system if you get sick and the
first thing you worry about is "how am I going to pay for this."
	―[deleted], Feb 2016
%
Maybe I have an obscure superpower like whenever I sneeze lightning strikes in
Pheonix Arizona, but I'll never know.
	―Questhook, Feb 2016
%
Youtube ads have made me watch less videos rather than more ads
	―JoeButtsmell, Jun 2016
%
Elastigirl of the Incredibles had to fake child birth pains so they wouldn't
know she was a superhero
	―it_was_a_catch, Nov 2013
%
A fight over text message is literally a thumb war.
	―FricasseeingRabbit, Sep 2014
%
Airlines should take into account passenger weight when checking baggage. If a
300 pound guy is able to check a 50 pound bag for free, then as a 140 pound
guy I should be able to check 210 pounds worth of stuff, too.
	―damndudewtf, Mar 2015
%
Somewhere down the line (far, far down the line) Rockstar should team up with
Google Maps to make an open world GTA game that would allow you to go anywhere
in the world.
	―TheMeridianVase, Jun 2015
%
After graduating in May, I'm no longer a "broke college student", I'm just
poor.
	―dfitzy92, Aug 2015
%
As a programmer, I am more concerned when my code works perfectly the first
time than when it doesn't
	―hrangan, Apr 2016
%
Dopamine and serotonin are technically the only two things you enjoy.
	―Kylehoooks, Jul 2016
%
Fishing is the underwater equivalent of Alien abduction
	―Narksdog, Oct 2016
%
If I lived near a time zone line, I could get McDonald's breakfast at noon.
	―IAJAKI, Apr 2014
%
"Glue sticks" is a name for a construction utensil but also just a fact.
	―Jorogasm, Jan 2016
%
Most options at Taco Bell are the same thing but in different shapes.
	―uncletugboat, Jul 2016
%
My twenty year high school reunion is coming up and thanks to Facebook I can
watch all the girls dropping weight like it's their job.
	―ArMcK, Sep 2016
%
I don't watch porn for the plot, but I do notice plot holes
	―MarsNirgal, Sep 2016
%
Jesus' statement that man cannot live on bread alone is solid nutritional
advice
	―ekolis, Sep 2016
%
Apple cars will be the first Apple product to use windows
	―Appaloosa_Slim_Chode, Feb 2015
%
When I was a kid I used to wake up early to watch cartoons, as an adult I stay
up late watching cartoons
	―bledtobefree, Sep 2015
%
Maybe reddit has the 'servers are busy' page pop open every so often to give
the impression they are popular
	―HELP_imnotwell, Apr 2016
%
Somewhere out there it is some chicken's birthday and it doesn't even know it
and I think that is sad
	―OliverAnd, Jun 2016
%
Parents often say "You'll understand when you're older". I am 33 and still
have no fucking clue
	―jursla, Jun 2016
%
Windows' "checking a solution to the problem" feature when a program crashes
has never found the solution to the problem.
	―itsjustjaden, Jun 2016
%
My two-year-old already assumes anything with a display is touch screen. And
by the time he's old enough for me to explain they aren't, they will be.
	―Searchlights, Nov 2014
%
We're all reading the same Reddit comments in our native accents.
	―FancyPantsBlanton, Nov 2014
%
Jumping in video games seems to be a necessary form of movement, yet in real
life we rarely, if ever, jump on a daily basis
	―arson0202, Mar 2016
%
Today's date is a palindrome. 6-10-2016
	―_atsu, Jun 2016
%
The shape on top of the Teletubbies' heads are for colorblind people
	―comphys, Oct 2016
%
Movember is the worst name for a prostate cancer awareness month - what about
Manuary or Brovember? If you're feeling frisky, Cocktober would be a shoe-in.
	―osdre, Nov 2014
%
Having sex in public is like eating a noisy bag of chips in
church.... Everyone looks at you in disgust but deep down inside they want
some too.
	―hairyfedora, Jan 2015
%
Somewhere out there is a really tall person named Richard who is literally the
biggest Dick in the world.
	―haddock420, Apr 2015
%
If you wake up in the morning it is called "morning wood". If you wake up at
night it should be called a "night stick"
	―JBSLB, Jun 2015
%
Without the water, a shower would be nothing but 10-15 min of fondling
yourself.
	―fighter1495, Aug 2015
%
Scissors are the hardest things to steal because you can't run away with them
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
I wonder if I have ever bought milk from the same cow more than once
	―sphn609, Feb 2016
%
Microwaves should have a "midnight snack" button that mutes the beep
	―rtrench, Oct 2016
%
"Spandex" is a reversal of the syllable sounds in "expand"...
	―gravyboatcaptain2, Aug 2013
%
All the Star Wars movies are just about the drama of one family. It's
basically "Keeping up with the Skywalkers".
	―Elementaal, Dec 2015
%
Losing a sneeze is like blue balls for your nose
	―ChiefJ8, Aug 2016
%
We can't consider Mexicans in general to be stereo-typically lazy, while also
being mad at them for taking all the jobs we don't want to do.
	―Amanroth87, Oct 2016
%
The word 'dust' is both a noun and a verb but the verb is how you get rid of
the noun.
	―FireManiac58, Oct 2016
%
Double Dick Dude should be the CEO of Johnson & Johnson.
	―Aduckonquack97, Apr 2015
%
"So who's driving?" is going to be such an overused joke when self-driving
cars become more widespread.
	―evoke_the_forms, Oct 2015
%
I wish there was a "WHO WON?" poll at the bottom of every flame war on
Facebook
	―nicomama, Aug 2016
%
At age 30, you’ve spent a month having birthdays.
	―mrgoldtech, Sep 2016
%
I think the term "bodybuilder" should be used to describe a pregnant woman.
	―AdamSullivan, Oct 2016
%
Do Koreans think that Lil Jon, Lil Wayne, Lil Kim, and Lil Bow wow are
siblings?
	―Grizmeer, May 2013
%
In two years, it will just be Super Bowl L
	―MrBarryThor12, Feb 2014
%
Pangaea would be a terrible name for a band; you'd know eventually they'd
break up
	―joshannon, Sep 2015
%
Goyte is now literally just somebody that we used to know.
	―lilidarkwind, Dec 2015
%
For "John Smith" being such a common name, I've never met someone with the
name.
	―Master-of-my-Domain, May 2016
%
If everyone was given one free, totally legal kill in their life, I bet
everyone would be much nicer to one another.
	―FreedomsAway, Jun 2016
%
People who have actually served in the military don't generally tend to
associate the term "military-grade" with premium quality
	―BrawndoTTM, Oct 2016
%
My so-called "action figures" just stand there.
	―Propane13, Nov 2013
%
If you ever feel unattractive, remember you look like your ancestors and all
of them got laid.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
If Mary gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, then clearly, Mary
had a little lamb.
	―hardcorvd, Feb 2015
%
Sex changes will become so perfected that someone will be the first person to
tell us if giving birth is more painful than getting hit in the nuts.
	―mementomori_3, Oct 2015
%
There's most likely a girl from your high school who has a sex tape on the
internet and you'll most likely never find that video.
	―thuursty, Oct 2015
%
Forcing an atheist relative to go to church because it's Christmas is a bit
like dragging a eunuch along to an orgy because it's Valentine's Day.
	―teaqualizer, Dec 2015
%
When I was younger I pretended my juice was wine, now I pretend my wine is
juice.
	―iamtalisman, May 2016
%
I correct autocorrect more than it corrects me.
	―Farhanhm, Aug 2016
%
I wonder how often people who work at the patent office say to themselves, "I
should have thought of that".
	―drain65, Aug 2016
%
Telling someone their stillborn infant is in a better place is equal to saying
God kidnapped their baby and is now raising it in a place they will only reach
if they do exactly as he commands
	―This_is_User, Aug 2016
%
If you buttfuck someone that immigrated to your country, you are anal probing
an alien.
	―BertDaKat, Sep 2013
%
I feel bad for kids in the future that will grow up on Mars and never make
enough money in their lives to visit Earth
	―nuckingfuts73, Mar 2015
%
Instead of stink bombs someone should design scent bombs- Small capsules you
can drop and crush discreetly to overpower bad odors on places like trains.
	―Drix22, Oct 2015
%
Bethesda should have waited to announce Fallout 4's release until the day
of. With the ad campaign of "You never know when a nuclear bomb might go off."
	―fruedain, Nov 2015
%
The reason your eyes water when you yawn is because you miss your bed and it
makes you sad.
	―Cemil55, Oct 2016
%
Halloween is the worst day to have an actual, bleeding injury
	―prx_reddit, Oct 2015
%
The word 'crisp' starts in the back of your mouth and moves its way to the
front when you say it.
	―anderboy101, Dec 2015
%
It is socially acceptable to say "Good morning" as a greeting and "Good night"
as a farewell, however it would be weird if someone said "Good morning" to you
as a farewell and "Good night" as a greeting
	―Blankman06, Apr 2016
%
If mother earth is 4.5 billion years old, and it will probably only last
around 7.9 billion years, couldnt that mean that global warming is just the
earth going through menopause?
	―im_not_leo, May 2016
%
Being awake is exhausting.
	―tofuDragon, Dec 2013
%
I wonder if there is a Redditor who's only subscribed to r/minimalism
	―coolintheshade, Nov 2014
%
If you have a fatal heart attack in your self-driving car, would the car just
continue on to it's destination? Would dead people just start showing up at
weddings/parties/work etc.?
	―bertonomus, Jul 2015
%
I wonder if in 50-60 years there will be TV-Shows like Boardwalk Empire,which
take place during the "marijuana-prohibition".
	―IwannaBeThat-Guy, Oct 2015
%
Over the course of human history, I wonder what alcohol has been more
responsible for: births or deaths.
	―AndItsDeepToo, Oct 2015
%
Every ad is an ad for Adblock.
	―gordanfryman, Jan 2016
%
We should name the new planet Pluto and act like nothing ever happened
	―TSM_Huni, Jan 2016
%
If we could get the Chinese to believe, that pulverized IS fighter testicles
were an aphrodisiac, we could solve two problems at once.
	―dime-0-dozen, Mar 2016
%
It make absolutely zero sense that the only vehicles not requiring seatbelts
are giant buses full of children.
	―greenskeeper87, Oct 2016
%
If santa keeps track of "naughty" kids every "year", and the year doesn't
start until January 1st, that leaves 6 days after Christmas and New Years left
undocumented, so nothing you do can be held against you.
	―PeteDelkus, Oct 2016
%
Eating something and saying its "tasty" is equivalent to listening to music
and saying its "soundy".
	―regokey, Jan 2015
%
I am First World Poor. I use my laptop or smartphone to log into my bank
account to see I have no money.
	―killerapt, Sep 2015
%
Why do people I meet feel the need to tell me about a Japanese roommate or
Chinese girlfriend they once had in college just because I'm Korean? I should
just reply by telling them about an Irish prostitute I once had.
	―portajohnjackoff, Mar 2016
%
99.9999% of the human population doesnt even know you exist
	―CleanAndRebuild, Mar 2016
%
Whenever I type 'etc..' I'm completely out of examples.
	―what10134, Oct 2016
%
I went from being told 'You are too young to understand' to 'you are old
enough to know better' without being told when it happened.
	―getsome73, May 2014
%
If the Fault in Our Stars movies failed because of bad acting, the fault would
be in their stars.
	―Dumprrr, Sep 2014
%
Every time my husband and I have sex we both set a new record for the oldest
person we've done it with
	―Weinerwanger, Mar 2015
%
Saturday morning cartoons were to keep us busy while our parents got over
their hangovers.
	―dsvii, Oct 2015
%
There should be a thing called "Secret Satan" where people draw each others
names and then secretly prank each other throughout December.
	―Redsunrise086, Nov 2015
%
Have I ever had milk from the same cow twice?
	―HenGuy, Sep 2013
%
Brad Pitt has fought all three World Wars.
	―SSJ4MajinGogetenks, Sep 2014
%
Cross dressing could be really popular in Muslim countries that use the burka,
and nobody would ever even know.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
Someone should put a GoPro on a bull during the Running of the Bulls.
	―Oragif, Dec 2014
%
If Jehovah's Witnesses believe there are only 144,000 spots in heaven, why do
they go around telling everyone about it instead of keeping it a secret?
	―TheBentWookie, May 2015
%
99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't
like any more.
	―TommehBoi, Sep 2015
%
All humans want is an excuse to be silly. Children act silly because they
don't need an excuse yet. Young adults use alcohol as an excuse to be
silly. Parents use their children as an excuse to be silly. And then old
people just use being old as an excuse to be silly.
	―rcw737, Sep 2015
%
When someone writes "tho" I think "ugh". I'm not judging them that's just
what's missing.
	―BlackBox-, Sep 2016
%
Kids growing up now will regard the pre-internet era as some kind of
unimaginable dark age
	―earlyamerican, Mar 2015
%
Hangovers are the body's way of saying "Oh, by the way, that was poison."
	―chrscoast, Jun 2015
%
The future President of the United States shit his pants today and will
definitely need a nap later.
	―EpiCurus09, Sep 2015
%
All Olympic events should save a spot for a random, average person so viewers
can see how much better the athletes are than normal people
	―graaahh, Aug 2016
%
Reddit to me is what the morning newspaper was for my dad.
	―digitalwolverine, Aug 2016
%
Somewhere in China there's a factory that pumps out Made in China stickers
with smaller Made in China stickers on them
	―aliensdoskate, Jul 2014
%
Shakespeare invented over 2000 words. I wonder were the audience ever just sat
there with no idea what the actors were saying, really confused.
	―generiquai, Sep 2014
%
There should be a place where people with only one foot can connect with
people of that are of only the other foot so that they can collaborate when
purchasing shoes and such.
	―agramsey, Jan 2015
%
Nothing makes you feel more emotions in less time than getting your finger
stuck in a small hole and being unable to pull it out
	―ScoopskyPotatos, Nov 2015
%
Pornhub should make a video where a old guy "falls into" an 18 year old girl
	―khumps, Dec 2015
%
I bet the medieval stretching torture device felt really good for the first
few seconds.
	―windowlicker1234, Mar 2016
%
As a retail employee, I can't think of a more cruel method of torture as
listening to the same fifteen songs for fifty hours a week at an unreasonable
wage.
	―Moonjabi, Aug 2016
%
There should be a word for getting nostalgic about a video game, installing
it, playing it for 10 minutes and getting bored because you've already
finished it a hundred times and then deleting in.
	―Khal_Doggo, Sep 2016
%
Half the time when it says the video will start after an advertisement I
decide, "Meh, I don't really want to watch this video that much anyways" and
close it.
	―jbsacks1, Sep 2016
%
What if, like, all the ants declared war on us. We'd be fucked, right?
	―ask_me_if_im_naked, Sep 2013
%
The game 2048 will probably have a comeback in the year 2048
	―pacreams, Jul 2014
%
Today is like 4/20 for alcoholics
	―Tyrantt_47, Mar 2015
%
The horse that was led to water but would not drink probably ended up being
the same horse was that was beaten after it died.
	―hannahbutt, Mar 2015
%
Lets say we send humans to another solar system after discovering a new
technology, but it takes 100 years. Then, 50 years later, Eearth finds an even
newer technology to send them there in only 4 years. So when the first humans
arrive, they see the planet is already habited by humans.
	―XoidObioX, May 2015
%
The phrase "No one's left" means opposite things depending on if the
contraction is for "is" or "has."
	―CoffeeHamster, May 2015
%
The floor is the only thing that I get more scared of the further away I am
from it.
	―dont_worryaboutit139, Nov 2015
%
Scrolling through Facebook is just like scrolling through Reddit 2 days ago.
	―northwitch, Sep 2016
%
Even if you managed to legitimately catch a ghost on camera, it's so easy to
fake that nobody would ever believe you.
	―DaeronTheHandsome, Dec 2014
%
The reason i haven't met my soulmate is she's to busy smoking pot and browsing
dank memes.
	―MrOinkers, Aug 2015
%
It seriously needs to be illegal for sound effects of emergency vehicle sirens
to be played on radio commercials.
	―Inceptagon, Aug 2015
%
As most people are buried in suits, the zombie apocalypse would be a rather
formal affair.
	―Nosferatii, Sep 2015
%
The "TIL" subreddit should really be called, "today I got stuck in a wiki loop
and this is what i found
	―ame22, Dec 2015
%
I have a fear that someone will break in my house while I'm pooping and I have
to fight him without wiping.
	―OystersClamssCockles, Feb 2016
%
Smokers literally pay for cancer.
	―IZismyname, Apr 2016
%
A female cannibal has the ability to create her own food.
	―jouelle1, Jul 2016
%
The tallest person alive has been the same height as every single person in
the world at one point.
	―r_il, Oct 2016
%
The Actor, Sean Bean should have to pronounce his name either 'Seen Been', or
'Shawn Bawn', he can't have it both ways.
	―SgtPembry, Apr 2014
%
Being underwater is a cruel joke. You can fly, but you can't breathe.
	―rtfitzy13, Nov 2014
%
Porn websites specialising in orgies should use .org instead of .com
	―RedCardedForever, Apr 2015
%
Growing up in an Anglican church, whenever somebody says "May the fourth be
with you," I always want to say "and also with you"
	―carlobananna, May 2015
%
Stairs are actually just slopes at really low resolution
	―velvety123, May 2015
%
Rap is to poetry as graffiti is to calligraphy.
	―VYshouldhavewon, Jul 2015
%
In videogames, no one walks anywhere. In real life, no one sprints anywhere.
	―UnmortalBeing, Nov 2015
%
The important thing is that bigfoot believes in himself
	―waxpatriot, Apr 2016
%
Urinals should have a screen showing how many ounces you've pissed along with
high scores.
	―regularpizza, Oct 2015
%
Commitment is opening an ice cream container and throwing out the lid
	―sawer707, Jun 2016
%
Jesus backwards sounds like sausage.
	―Siricelemontea, Jul 2013
%
For me, all Reddit posts are NSFW. Because if I get caught browsing Reddit at
work I'll be fired.
	―iamjamieq, May 2015
%
Pornhub's background is dark so that it doesn't hurt your eyes when you are
browsing with the lights off.
	―askmypen, Dec 2015
%
Fishing would be a lot less popular if fish had vocal cords.
	―Beerhead3214, Mar 2016
%
What we think smells like coffee is actually boogers and coffee. What we think
smells like steak is steak and boogers. We smell boogers all day, every day,
and we don't even know it. It's like a booger Matrix.
	―Hospitaliter, Apr 2016
%
Facebook really needs an 'Are You Sure' confirmation screen before you can
accidentally like someone's photos that are over a year old.
	―Karmadontpaytherent, Oct 2016
%
If Kanye West were to win Album of the Year over Beyonce, would he have to
interrupt himself?
	―Takadorable, Feb 2015
%
Marry, fuck, kill could also be called treasure, pleasure, or an extreme
measure
	―JazzyJarvis, Mar 2016
%
I always imagine the questions in Askreddit are all from the same person. He
seems nice but a little annoying.
	―onmyphoneusername, May 2016
%
It really bothers me that we pay sports stars millions of dollars each year
but my goal of doing research to figure out causes and solutions to mental
illness will pay me $45,000 a year after 10 years of university, if I am
lucky.
	―Existential_Fluff, Jul 2016
%
Getting mail as a child is infinitely more fun than getting mail as an adult.
	―Aschindler88, Aug 2016
%
Every time a celebrity dies, someone goes through their Wikipedia article and
change all of the 'is' phrases to 'was'.
	―percussionartisan, Aug 2016
%
I always thought jokes about Germans were exaggerated, until I spent 30
minutes to explain the concept of knock knock jokes to my German dad
	―Priamosish, Sep 2016
%
A man's wife is also his ex-girlfriend.
	―w00tkid, Jul 2014
%
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
	―nest-ce-pas, Apr 2015
%
If I tell others I'll teach my sons to respect women, I sound like a nice
guy. If I say I'll teach my daughters to respect men, I sound like a
misogynist
	―runnaway20, May 2015
%
There are no female minions because they reproduce asexually. The 2-eyed
minions are in the process of mitosis.
	―streamline57, Nov 2015
%
Everyone pointing out for years that Leo hasn't won an Oscar was more of a
recognition of his talent than the actual Oscar.
	―mortyshaw, Feb 2016
%
We never wash our belts, but they are the first thing we touch after wiping
our butts.
	―noodlepoops, Jun 2016
%
Hogwarts should have a muggle teacher, to teach about electricity and such.
	―because_both_sides, Oct 2014
%
The terrorist attacks of September 11th are closer time wise to the fall of
the Berlin Wall than they are to today.
	―petersenman21, Dec 2014
%
Intentionally losing at Rock Paper Scissors is just as hard as trying to win
	―SideBern, Sep 2015
%
A Vagina's Purpose is to Squeeze the Life Out of a Penis
	―ikes9711, Apr 2016
%
If a ghost is trying to kill you, does he want you as a friend?
	―daneerlr, Aug 2016
%
Google earth should have a nighttime feature so you can see different cities'
night life.
	―Natedizzoggy, Sep 2016
%
Halloween is the best day to break out of prison.
	―TokenWhiteGuy_, Oct 2013
%
Buttplugs are reverse pacifiers.
	―tawksick, Dec 2014
%
When someone says 'ten years ago' my immediate thought is not 2005...
	―crunchyturtles, Jan 2015
%
We live in a world with self driving cars able to talk across oceans in
milliseconds and sending people into space yet vending machines still can't
handle a crumpled dollar
	―thejohnnypalms, Feb 2015
%
Microwaves should have a stealth mode to disable all alarms and button noises.
	―evo_overlord_lite, May 2016
%
If you put a hat on the ground, its like the earth is wearing a really tiny
hat.
	―lnning, Oct 2016
%
You can't change the volume of the voice inside your head, you can however
change the pitch and tone
	―Sir_BaconStripper, Jun 2014
%
When an alarm goes off, its actually turning on.
	―hashbit, Jan 2015
%
There should be a universal word which politely means "Sorry, I don't speak
your language".
	―nipplemuff, Apr 2015
%
A fine is just a mandatory bribe.
	―astraf, Apr 2015
%
Marvel should make a documentary on Stan Lee and have all his characters make
cameos
	―jstohler, May 2015
%
The first person to chop a onion probably thought they were going blind.
	―Pupettoloco, Aug 2016
%
A romantic comedy movie where a woman is sent back in time to aid 18yo Adolf
Hitler pass into The Academy of Fine Arts Vienna to prevent the holocaust.
	―kharanos, Sep 2014
%
Someone, at some point in history had to look at a beehive and think: "I know
those little bastards are hiding something good."
	―Comment_Sense, Dec 2014
%
We're all Internet Explorers.
	―m3s3dup, May 2015
%
In the future, our kids will ask us why we say "there's plenty of fish in the
sea".
	―tonyp808, Sep 2015
%
A "zombie apocalypse" is actually a human apocalypse and is technically a
zombie genesis
	―Stufflefttodo, Jun 2016
%
Watching Scooby Doo growing up made me think that losing my glasses would be a
much more frequent and severe problem in life
	―LordNelson27, Sep 2016
%
All those rappers that bought huge gold chains in the 80's and 90's actually
made pretty prudent investments.
	―U_P_G_R_A_Y_E_D_D, Aug 2014
%
Netflix needs a shuffle button for those shows that I don't care which episode
I watch.
	―jsl3424, May 2015
%
When I talk to someone on the phone, my voice is traveling faster than sound.
	―Dythiese, Jun 2015
%
I'm from California and I can't take a long enough shower to have shower
thoughts
	―JUUKO82, Sep 2015
%
A set of red, yellow, and green lights have more authority than I ever will.
	―JMS230, Oct 2015
%
When translated, "The Los Angeles Angels" literally means "The The Angels
Angels".
	―AkrArsenal, Oct 2015
%
Sarah Connor was the very first victim of cyber-bullying.
	―ViewedAskew, Feb 2016
%
When I was young, I was terrified of ending up middle-aged and alone. Now I am
and it's fucking awesome!
	―Mumblix_Grumph, Mar 2016
%
In the universe of the movie "Cars," rental cars could be considered
prostitutes
	―dongpoop, Feb 2015
%
It's such a cliche in movies and TV but I don't think I've ever been in an
elevator that actually had music playing.
	―[deleted], May 2015
%
Everyone on reddit has the same voice as me.
	―ryno8933, Apr 2015
%
How attractive I feel changes a lot from day to day, week to week, but I
probably look exactly the same to everyone else.
	―postymcpostpost, Dec 2015
%
The term "manhood" could be a nickname for foreskin.
	―seenit3, Nov 2014
%
Instead of playing Monopoly, rich kids should play a game called Philanthropy,
where they learn how to responsibly give away money.
	―zserdenb, Feb 2015
%
Every year Maddam Tussaud sculptures get better. What if this is not because
they get better at making them, but because our celebrities are gradually
looking more like fake wax sculptures themselves, with all the photoshop and
plastic surgery they receive?
	―desperadojoe, Aug 2015
%
I'm going to be dead longer than I'm going to live
	―dicvalero, Jun 2016
%
When I move my body, I am literally moving matter with my mind.
	―AMVRocks, Aug 2016
%
Millions of drops of rain pounding on a roof is soothing while a single drop
of water dripping from a faucet becomes extremely irritating.
	―yawatt, Sep 2016
%
Beds are chargers for humans
	―Greenwindu, Oct 2014
%
The number 92 kind of looks like a person on their hands and knees.
	―PiggehPerson, Mar 2015
%
We need a rival planet.
	―Cherri2000, Jan 2016
%
I wonder if unemployed people get annoyed at NSFW tags
	―jeihkeih, Feb 2016
%
A haiku consists of three stanzas that follow a pattern of 5/7/5. If you
divide five by seven and then by five, you get 0.142857142857. This number,
when read aloud, is a haiku.
	―PerpetualCamel, Apr 2016
%
As a kid, getting too big for your clothes is exciting and good. As an adult,
it’s depressing and awful.
	―SAMUEL_RANDY147, Sep 2016
%
Slight [NSFW] I wish all of my body parts would grow twice as big and strong
when I need to use them just like my penis does.
	―skeptical_dragon, Dec 2014
%
giving birth was probably a piece of cake for mrs incredible
	―danebol, May 2016
%
I wish someone was as protective with me as fast food places are of their
dipping sauces
	―-thisperson, May 2016
%
A fired bullet is called a 'slug' because it doesn't have it's shell anymore.
	―Rocketoast, Jul 2013
%
If reincarnation is real, suicide would be a temporary solution to a permanent
problem
	―Jonny_Axehandle, Dec 2014
%
People who get quotes tattooed should add a footnote and get the source
tattooed on their feet.
	―sirwobblz, Mar 2015
%
Life is just a constant battle between wanting a six pack and wanting a six
pack.
	―NOTW_116, Jul 2015
%
My stomach probably thinks I'm an amazing hunter.
	―V_gan, Feb 2016
%
I have been a pizza deliveryman for 72 hours. So far, exactly zero sexy
babysitters have answered the door. I feel like I've been cheated, somehow.
	―brokenimage321, Aug 2016
%
Using your phone without a case is like having sex without a condom - it's
risky but feels amazing.
	―bwitt33, Oct 2016
%
If you peed in zero gravity, the stream would go in a perfectly straight line,
allowing you to target fellow astronauts from a considerable distance.
	―datums, Oct 2013
%
If Microsoft keeps naming new versions of Windows with the next higher number,
eventually they'll get up to Windows 95 again.
	―ju2tin, Aug 2014
%
A ship the size of the Death Star must usually have thousands of exhaust
ports. Designing it to have only one is a technical marvel, not a design flaw.
	―nowhereman136, Apr 2015
%
I have no problem buying a single can ok Coke for $1, but I debate if the $5
for the 12 pack is really worth it
	―lordtuto, Jul 2015
%
Letting Jesus take the wheel doesn't seem like that smart of an idea when you
remember he's over 2,000 years old and doesn't have a driver's license.
	―SirZiggyStardust, Aug 2015
%
It would be amazingly terrifying if animals waged war against each other like
humans do. You'd wake up, get a cup of coffee and look out your window and say
things like "Oh shit, looks like the bears and eagles are fightin' again."
	―gmcemu, Oct 2015
%
When deaf people are talking with sign language, I feel like I'm the deaf one
that can't hear them.
	―Rhovandir, Nov 2015
%
My life is extremely similar to Rihanna's song, just work work work, and the
rest of it I can't really understand.
	―Duskberserker, Mar 2016
%
Sometimes I wonder how many strangers I saw last year are now dead.
	―Anson845, Sep 2016
%
Isn't it weird that war is literally just a concept of "we can't come to a
logical solution so we're just going to try to kill all of your people"
	―freakinlaservision, Oct 2016
%
My clothes have been to countries I have never been to.
	―Runningcolt, Dec 2013
%
I wonder if I've ever seen a conception while watching porn.
	―BiigCol, Dec 2014
%
I'm more conscious of citing my references on Reddit than I ever was about
citing sources for my papers in high school and college
	―Icameforsloth, Dec 2014
%
My parents taught me not to eat everything you see in nature. The first lesson
I will teach my kids is that you don't click on every link you see on the
internet.
	―MrCookiebuzzer, Jan 2015
%
Legally "space" begins 100 kilometres above sea level on Earth, which means
we're never more than 100km, give or take a few, from space our entire
lives. Many people live closer to space than they do to the ocean, or even
their state capital.
	―ColbyStein, Oct 2015
%
Cars with automatic braking would suck in a zombie apocalypse
	―Betreatis, Jan 2016
%
When my tongue is burned from drinking hot beverages I realize how much I
underappreciate the time my tongue is not burned
	―naughty_farmer, Feb 2016
%
Britain is the Leeroy Jenkins of Europe right now.
	―mangoesfuckyeah, Jun 2016
%
So much public money goes into sports stadiums we need separation of sport and
state
	―91394320394, Oct 2016
%
Maybe the reason we haven't been visited by anyone from the future is because
the human race is wiped out before we develop time travel.
	―FATRONNEY, Jul 2013
%
Fat people have more skin than skinny people. Shouldn't 'skinny' be a term
used to describe fat people?
	―joustah, May 2014
%
If the phrase "You are what you eat" applies to the entire food chain then we
are all just shit and sunlight.
	―mattg63, Nov 2014
%
When I lie on the ground looking up at the sky I am facing out at the universe
with the entire planet behind me.
	―phonyculture, Mar 2015
%
On the bright side, tanning beds are slowly killing the right people.
	―LLAMA_CHASER, Jul 2015
%
I've learned more about David Bowie in the past 24 hours, than I have in my
whole life.
	―APSmells, Jan 2016
%
When a blind woman tells her boyfriend that she is seeing someone, it could
either be really terrible news or really great news.
	―TheyRedHot, Jul 2016
%
the divide symbol ÷ represents numerator over denominator. the dots are
placeholders.
	―Raven_Rise, Jun 2013
%
Can the Pope bless all the water in the world or does he have an effective
blessing range to make it Holy Water?
	―swaggermint, Mar 2015
%
Saying you're on Tinder to "find friends" is like saying you're going to a
crackhouse to buy aspirin.
	―Alex_Huntington, Sep 2015
%
I wonder if I've ever eaten an egg that came from a chicken I ate.
	―LuciferJohnson, Nov 2015
%
The only reason celebrities always say people should "follow their dreams" is
because they're part of the small percentage who were actually successful.
	―nykcreo, Jul 2016
%
Throughout all my years working construction, I've never once used a piece of
construction paper.
	―thehangoverer, Oct 2016
%
It just dawned on me; characters in movies are always watching really old
movies because those movies don't require a royalty fee anymore.
	―Tre-ben, Jul 2014
%
if we found out that pollution was negatively affecting internet speed, the
air would get so clean so fast
	―KainTulogShoryuken, Sep 2015
%
Every time you take the garbage out it's like the house is taking a shit.
	―Mehrdvd, Mar 2016
%
In movies why doesn't the villain spray paint all the bomb wires black
	―robowes, Oct 2016
%
Snapchat videos should have the option of putting a NSFW tag on them so I know
whether or not I can open them in public.
	―finishyourbeer, Jun 2014
%
With 7 billion people, getting laid is statistically the easiest it's ever
been in the history of the world. Yet I'm still home alone. In my boxers. On
reddit.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
9GAG, Buzzfeed, UNILAD, and Facebook are all screwed tomorrow
	―PokemonRuneScape, Jul 2015
%
Dating a girl as tall as you helps correct your body and neck posture.
	―masterconjuror, Mar 2016
%
How shitty do you think that one kid in Airbud felt when he got replaced by a
dog in the championship game?
	―lmpossibear, May 2016
%
There's no louder sound than the crunch of something you are not supposed to
be eating.
	―DeezNeezuts, Aug 2016
%
I wonder if anyone else gets annoyed that Facebook videos get bigger when you
click on them instead of pausing.
	―drain65, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if Humanity is in the first or second half of its existence
	―Ellie_X, Apr 2014
%
If a woman had a one-night stand with a different man every week, people would
make jokes about her vagina being loose from overuse. If a different woman was
in a relationship and had sex with her SO 2-3 times a week, no one would make
those jokes.
	―Marx0r, Mar 2015
%
Why aren't anal cream pies called moonpies
	―knifeaddict, Nov 2015
%
If a car lives a successful life, it will never touch another car.
	―cpappagiorgio, Apr 2016
%
There is absolutely no reason for the alphabet to be in the order it's in.
	―Agree_With_You, May 2016
%
Because of Tinder, it's easier for me to meet women on my toilet than at a
bar.
	―big_rusty, Jul 2016
%
At some point in the future paralympics will be better than olympics due of
biotechnology
	―nyc_a, Aug 2016
%
A swimmingpool is basically a ball pit, only with very small balls.
	―SoilworkFanatic, Mar 2014
%
Will Smith has one of the most generic white guy names ever
	―bamboo-coffee, Nov 2014
%
Are medusa's pubes snakes?
	―Guava_, Jan 2015
%
If you buy a new physical copy of a book you should be able to enter a code
into a Nook or Kindle to be able to read it on those devices for free.
	―Goldsmifff, Aug 2015
%
We all know there is a secret service, which means there isn't a secret
service.
	―gpemby, Sep 2015
%
England have managed to exit the Euro twice in one week.
	―bungeeman, Jun 2016
%
There is probably an actual person named Jake who works at State Farm, and he
probably hears a joke about it every single day.
	―Dreamlite, Sep 2016
%
Today was the most important day in somebody's life, and all I did was browse
reddit.
	―HCM4, Nov 2013
%
Taking medicine when you're sick is essentially your body electing to hire
mercenaries to fight the war for you.
	―Trinate3618, Jan 2016
%
I can't remember the last time world peace was talked about except in a beauty
competition.
	―kefkaisgod45, Aug 2016
%
Never in my entire life have I been naked for 24 hours straight.
	―ChristopherDanie, Oct 2016
%
I wish I could swipe away content I've seen so that it doesn't reappear on my
homepage of the reddit app. That way I wouldn't have to keep seeing the same
thing over and over every time I start the app
	―halaahaa, Oct 2016
%
As Wolverine, Hugh Jackman is a huge, jacked man.
	―DoctorImperialism, Dec 2013
%
The beginning of "tomorrow" and the end of "yesterday" make "today".
	―guard_cow, May 2014
%
Frozen is the first time Disney on Ice makes any sense.
	―letsdosomethingcrazy, Feb 2015
%
The third hand on a clock is called the second hand.
	―bobcat009, Oct 2015
%
Most of the sky is actually below you
	―xma-3, Sep 2016
%
We should put poison in pizza sauce, and the antidote in the crust. So we can
weed out the people who don't eat the crust and finish them once and for all.
	―reeverrama, Oct 2015
%
In Toystory, at what stage during manufacture do the toys become alive.
	―lewisisbrown, May 2016
%
Mowing the lawn is basically just shaving the Earth's face.
	―EggyMean, Jun 2013
%
I'm one of those that think that 1995 is 10 years ago but now 2004 is 10 years
ago
	―coolsteed, Jan 2014
%
If you were to learn the English language by watching TV cop shows, you might
think that "Freeze!" means "Run!"
	―[deleted], Apr 2014
%
I've considered acting like a sociopath for awhile just to see what people
would do...then I realized that's something a sociopath would do.
	―IAmNoRo, Jul 2015
%
If you steal a pen from a bank you just robbed a bank.
	―beelzenoob, Jan 2016
%
The word "girls" is 10x dirtier on a neon sign.
	―milksteak-n-magnets, Jun 2016
%
Centaurs have two rib cages.
	―brancakes, Sep 2016
%
To the guy that invented zero, thanks for nothing
	―[deleted], Sep 2016
%
Sleeping is cool. It's like being dead without the commitment.
	―Pritchardness, Jan 2015
%
Dollar bills don't have dollar signs on them.
	―IamBOXBOY, Sep 2015
%
Computers should allow an alternative password that unlocks your computer but
also closes all open windows.
	―TheAbjectLol, Sep 2015
%
The most common animal in zoos is humans
	―ahdecoy, Oct 2015
%
I like how "as fuck" is a common unit of measurement.
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
In Star Wars: A New Hope, when the rebels are describing the size of the
target area they specifically say "two METERS wide" to avoid using the
Imperial system
	―elliot91, Jun 2016
%
Over the past 39 years I've watched all the Star Wars movies and I just
realized that I have no idea why the Rebellion is rebelling other than the
fact that the Empire is just a big bunch of assholes.
	―bogdogger, Aug 2016
%
If nudity were socially acceptable, pubic hair styling could be a legitimate
profession
	―ALostPastor, Feb 2014
%
What if in 100 years, people say "google it" as a way of telling someone to
search for information and nobody knows why.
	―GAGEMF, May 2014
%
When you look at a picture of the Earth - all the green you see is
plants. That's a fuckload of plants.
	―GangreneGangbang, Jun 2014
%
The plot of "This Is The End, Part II" should be that The Interview came out
and North Korea actually nuked us.
	―JerseyIsHome, Dec 2014
%
Companies like Coke and Visa will immediately cut ties with celebrities who
cheat on their wives or say something hateful, but they're hesitant when it
comes to not sponsoring slave labor conditions in Qatar ahead of the World
Cup.
	―dgorv, May 2015
%
What Facebook really needs in their settings is an "ignore all game requests"
setting.
	―Sierraman, May 2015
%
Its amazing how potatoes give us chips, french fries and vodka. Get your shit
together, every other vegetable
	―RossD123, Jul 2015
%
If an alien came up to me one day and said “take me to your leader”, I would
have no idea how to accomplish that.
	―Jack_leon25, Aug 2016
%
(rich) humans are becoming elves - low birthrates, long lifespans, and
magic-like technology
	―Pfluftl, Sep 2016
%
If every cigarette takes 5 mins off my life, but I spend 10 mins enjoying it,
then I'm still operating at a net gain.
	―gaythxbai, Oct 2016
%
Movie theaters should have a headphone jack so I can bring noise cancelling
headphones and adjust my own volume.
	―CallMeZach, Nov 2014
%
I would sacrifice my life in a heartbeat to save my wife, but I won't take out
the fucking trash
	―aDAMNPATRIOT, Dec 2014
%
They should make a movie about The Spanish Inquisition and release it without
announcing or advertising it beforehand.
	―TehKookinator, Mar 2015
%
What if the cure for autism turns out to be a vaccine?
	―kidindiana, Mar 2015
%
Getting A Ticket Is Like Retroactively Purchasing A Permit To Do Something
Illegal
	―SovanaaCasanova, Jun 2015
%
We have the best quality microphones and speakers for leisure, but places like
airports which make important announcements seem to use awful equipment.
	―HollyJSpark, Aug 2015
%
The rule, "There are exceptions to every rule" is the only rule without
exception, making itself the exception to the rule.
	―JeamBim, Oct 2015
%
I haven't heard of any Bigfoot sightings in awhile. I hope he is ok
	―a_cool_username_, Mar 2016
%
I've never seen an angel depicted with a moustache.
	―population_you, Jul 2016
%
Growing up and becoming 'Mature' essentially boils down to your capacity to
cope with the imperfections of the world and the fact that life isn't
fair. Your level of maturity boils down to how good you are at taking shit. To
get anywhere you have to be a black belt in taking shit.
	―tekprodfx16, Oct 2016
%
The way Floyd Mayweather ran away from Pacquiao to avoid being punched and
beaten, I wonder if he now understands what its like to be married to Floyd
Mayweather.
	―childstardarkshadows, May 2015
%
We should put the "American" first. American-African, American-European,
American-Asian. In no time we'll get tired of adding the second part and just
call each other Americans.
	―JSUknow, Jul 2015
%
The term "space bar" sounds like something way cooler than it actually is.
	―the_leif, Aug 2015
%
Waiting phone times would be a lot less boring If you were connected to
another random person waiting.
	―Biobak_, Nov 2015
%
I should start a Chik-Fila black market operating only on Sundays
	―drtrillphill, Nov 2015
%
"IT Guy" is the most vague, but common, job title that people accept
universally at face value.
	―zerofuxstillhungry, Jan 2016
%
I'm awed that two servings of pasta can be made, packaged, shipped thousands
of miles, bought and resold to me for $0.18 each. Yet one stamp is $0.49.
	―Cops_Are_Stupid_Pigs, Jan 2016
%
Usually while watching How Its Made I wonder how the machines are made that
make the product.
	―kopacetix, Feb 2016
%
If the USA were a gritty drama on HBO or Netflix, we'd all be complaining
about how unrealistic this latest season has been.
	―rosewards, Jul 2016
%
Sociopaths would be better at customer service because they're used to faking
empathy and other emotions.
	―Cameronious, Sep 2013
%
Charles Manson was able to get married while in prison. I can't even find
dates for Friday nights.
	―PM_ME_UR_PYJAMAS, Nov 2014
%
If a million of us picked a certain redditor and followed them on social
media, we would have the power to make someone famous
	―doesitmakenoise, Apr 2015
%
The "Mac" in Mac and cheese is a perfect acronym for Mac and cheese.
	―watching_fucky_stuff, May 2015
%
Ex-Girlfriends should be called Near Mrs.
	―JoelMB98, Jun 2015
%
The only correct answer to "Are you sleeping?" is "No."
	―TitanicMan, Jun 2015
%
If the regulars at /r/relationships took over /r/MechanicAdvice, they'd tell
everyone to junk their cars.
	―moethebartender, Aug 2015
%
The snooze button on your phone should get smaller and smaller each time your
press it
	―Genki21, Oct 2015
%
When someone claims to be constipated, they are full of shit whether they are
telling the truth or lying.
	―TheCreatorLovesYou, May 2016
%
Hearing someone was 'hacked' doesn't strike fear the way it would have 100
years ago.
	―nida_jaza, Aug 2016
%
I wonder if when I pat a rhythm on my dog, he knows I'm making a beat or if he
just thinks I'm super bad at petting him?
	―serhm, Oct 2016
%
The word "Verb" is a noun.
	―Zappion, Jul 2013
%
Before cameras, no-one had ever seen themselves with their eyes closed.
	―Manakin, Jul 2014
%
The entire spectrum of human skin color can be found on toast.
	―cryptadia, Aug 2014
%
In my head, you all have the exact same voice as me.
	―retuurntheslaab, Nov 2015
%
If Jesus had died today, he probably would have been the subject of many memes
just like Harambe
	―TheDavyStar, Sep 2016
%
The written question "What was the last thing you read?" always has the same
answer.
	―SeniorFruitTech, Nov 2015
%
Everyone can speak telepathically, but no one knows how to listen
	―Veritoss43, Oct 2014
%
Family Guy is mostly Seth Macfarlane talking to himself.
	―Rhinojo, Nov 2014
%
Idea for a gay bar name: Members Only
	―iamstealthor, Apr 2015
%
I'm more likely to get a virus from porn than sex.
	―ArcaneInsane, Apr 2015
%
There should be a dog toy hidden inside each dog food bag just like there were
toys in Cracker Jack boxes.
	―Archers_bane, Jan 2016
%
Why are all dildos circumcised?
	―Wyatt1313, Dec 2014
%
I'm drunk at the end of every year and drunk at the beginning of ever year.
	―Dontbjelly, Jan 2016
%
The notion that a ghosts moans may have been started by children whose parents
were having sex but later denied having heard or made the noise..
	―cagar003, May 2016
%
Paying off your credit card bill is like sending your money back in time.
	―safety_jam, May 2016
%
You don't feel old until scrolling to your year of birth takes too damn long
	―Darkwyntr, Jun 2016
%
Soon all background actors are just going to be staring at their phones to
make it more believable
	―ordinary-o, Jul 2016
%
If my nose was on upside down, I'd drown while taking this shower.
	―Cry2Laugh, Oct 2013
%
What if a symptom of Ebola is the desire to travel.
	―wileypost, Oct 2014
%
It's weird that Universal's logo is just the Earth.
	―jayhawk8808, Jun 2015
%
If you spell "Strap-on" backwards, it spells "No Parts"
	―-_Chris_-, Jul 2015
%
Facebook has made me realize that if could read people's minds, I would
probably kill myself.
	―mtme3, Nov 2015
%
Any machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrongly.
	―Drekked, Apr 2016
%
Oedipus didn't actually have an Oedipus Complex; he didn't know the woman he
was sleeping with was his mother, and he was disgusted when he found out.
	―LaunchOurRocket, Jun 2016
%
I'm close with my best friend so I describe her as my "sister." I'm close with
my sister so I refer to her as my "best friend."
	―OrangeNinja24, Sep 2016
%
Pressing on your feet relieves the pain from pressing on your feet
	―LaticustheThylacine, Oct 2016
%
If humans share 50-60% of DNA with bananas, does that mean some people are 10%
more banana than others?
	―djinforthewin, Jul 2013
%
You know what would be funny? If a giant monster movie turned out to be a
power rangers movie at the very end.
	―Whats_Up4444, Sep 2014
%
Xbox ONE sounds like the President's Xbox
	―mmmnjes, Feb 2015
%
The human body is able to convert pizza into high fives
	―JBaker68, Mar 2015
%
What if your dog brings you the same toy because he thinks that it is YOUR
favorite toy? And when you throw it, he brings it back because he is thinking
"No! Don't throw it! It's your favorite toy!"
	―ultimatekid610, Jun 2016
%
If you marry someone from a criminal family, your in-laws are outlaws.
	―HerrGansefus, Jun 2016
%
Are two icicles a bicycle?
	―Propane13, Nov 2013
%
Multiplayer videogames are just really elaborate thumb wrestling matches.
	―HerrBongwasser, May 2014
%
A fat girl bragging about boob size is like an unemployed person bragging
about having the day off
	―Justkevin87, Apr 2015
%
When you're pregnant you have to drink virgin drinks.
	―CourageKitten, Jun 2016
%
Congress should be paid minimum wage.
	―MyfanwyTiffany, Jul 2016
%
If my Father masturbated once more or once less in his entire life up until my
conception, I would never have been born.
	―powellthegreasy, Oct 2016
%
Reckless driving is a bad thing. Wreckless driving is a good thing
	―Jalapeno_milkshake, Aug 2013
%
A mute super villain would be unstoppable
	―bertweaze, Sep 2014
%
Since dogs live shorter lives than humans, maybe their sense of time is
different and that's why they are so excited to see you whenever you come
back.
	―raf3776, Feb 2015
%
Father's day is a celebration of motherfuckers.
	―coppergone, Jun 2016
%
I'd much rather have Gordon Ramsay yell at me to f*ck off than have him
disappointingly look down at my food and say "What a shame."
	―TheRealCourtneyW, Aug 2016
%
Hand sanitizer should be renamed small cut finder.
	―vanquishings, Aug 2016
%
Between pens and lighters, Bic is making a fortune off of people losing their
products..
	―jhoncat2, Oct 2016
%
Cinderella must have had some fucked up feet if her slipper didn't fit anyone
else's foot in town.
	―I_cant_speel, May 2014
%
If Leonardo DiCaprio did an AMA would no one give him gold to keep this joke
going?
	―Squadeep, May 2015
%
When I make fried chicken, I am rubbing a corpse with the embryos of its own
offspring.
	―nmb8443, Oct 2015
%
Condoms are for pussies.
	―CervixProbe, Apr 2014
%
The big bang was the uncompressing of zip file.
	―outpost5, Sep 2014
%
Premarital sex was forbidden in the Bible because brides were regularly
younger than 13.
	―chozobody, Dec 2014
%
Christian Grey is just Quagmire with money.
	―SOS_Music, Feb 2015
%
That feeling I got whenever I would look at my grades, I now get whenever I
look at my bank account
	―Tannysack, May 2015
%
If Men at Work and Men Without Hats formed a super group, they would be a
potential OSHA violation.
	―Lawdoc1, Aug 2015
%
Facebook has to be the greenest app because 99% of it is recycled content.
	―beakerx82, Sep 2015
%
The Deadpool post-credits scene should just be Wade eating schwarma with
cardboard cutouts of the X-men.
	―corgandane, Jan 2016
%
Describing something as "military grade" often makes it sound better unless
it's food
	―draimus, Jul 2016
%
Reddit is Hotel California.
	―LivesForTheSecrets, Jan 2014
%
Passwords are like secret finger dances.
	―imaginarious, Nov 2014
%
"Right, left" answers to the question "Left, right?"
	―un3, Aug 2015
%
A lifetime supply of McDonalds is actually pretty short.
	―powerx788, Aug 2015
%
Now that finding food is no longer an issue, humans spend their whole lives
doing things to not be bored.
	―jlmck4, Aug 2015
%
They call it a Beaver (vagina) because it eats Wood (penis)
	―BackJurden, Sep 2015
%
I hate that obligatory feeling I get when I use a public restroom and have to
clean someone else's piss off the toilet seat just so the person using the
same stall after me doesn't think I left piss on the seat.
	―brideofdracula, Dec 2015
%
Ten-year-old me thought having all 50 of the US state quarters would be much
cooler than it actually was.
	―JFX37, Mar 2016
%
I served Kevin Bacon in a restaurant once. Everyone I've ever met since then
is at minimum two degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon
	―Whywouldireally, Jul 2016
%
If you break the laws of man,you go to jail.If you break the laws of God,you
go to hell.If you break the laws of physics,you go to Sweden and get the nobel
prize.
	―loveyouAmerica, Aug 2016
%
I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid that I'll miss tons of cool stuff after I
die and that people will be sad when I die.
	―highandentertained, Apr 2013
%
It's risky to buy soda right after an earthquake
	―kevakk, Mar 2016
%
Why do the ninja turtles wear masks they're the only giant turtles around. *My
5yo asked me this*
	―Superflydownsyguy, Oct 2016
%
Everything man-made that exists was once just an idea.
	―[deleted], Aug 2013
%
If humans had three legs, we'd call sandals flip-flap-flops
	―set_fr, Jul 2014
%
As a kid, doing nothing was a punishment. As an adult, doing nothing is a
reward.
	―missjc, Feb 2016
%
I wonder how many people's heartbeats are perfectly in sync right now?
	―TheHeroicOnion, May 2016
%
Maybe the reason why we don't see time travelers is because humans didn't live
long enough to build time machines.
	―Josh_B98, Jun 2016
%
Fallout's 'S.P.E.C.I.A.L' system probably doesn't make much sense if you play
the game in any language other than English.
	―Samba_21, Aug 2016
%
When I drop an ice cube, my first thought is to kick it under the fridge
instead of picking it up
	―Blue2437, Sep 2016
%
I can't wait till 2020 so I can wear those New Year's Eve glasses and
continuously make the joke about 20-20 vision.
	―roobopp, Oct 2016
%
Did the voice in my head age with me, or have my thoughts always sounded like
this?
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
Doors are just really short tunnels.
	―mindblowingherbs, Nov 2014
%
Jars of salsa should be designed with bowl lids that can be screwed back on
without a mess, like laundry detergent caps.
	―Karma_Nos, Mar 2015
%
Celebrities should adopt pets from shelters and then offload them onto normal
people who would take them because they were previously owned by a celebrity.
	―tones2013, Jul 2015
%
I've never seen a plus sized male model
	―Amaryllis_Reginae, Sep 2015
%
Debit cards are the reason I haven't found money on the ground in a really
long time.
	―steppenfloyd, Oct 2015
%
A failure rate of 0.0000005 doesn't sound so bad until you have a dead pixel
	―barsofham, Mar 2016
%
Growing up, everyone tells you to chase your dreams. Once you become an adult
everyone tells you to be realistic.
	―Swingmerightround, Mar 2016
%
If the queen of England reaches 100 years old she'll have to write a letter of
congratulations to herself.
	―sprogger, Apr 2016
%
Apple automatically updates to latest version - nobody bats an
eyelid. Microsoft does it and everyone loses their mind.
	―WesNg, Jun 2016
%
Secretly knowing a language that a group of people speak but they think you
don't, is almost like having the power to read minds
	―had_one_too_many, Jun 2014
%
If Instagram hadn't taken its name, "Instagram" may have ended up as a
marijuana delivery service
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
When I was younger I was always "goose" in duck, duck, goose. I now realise
it's because I was the fat kid.
	―dickielegs, Jul 2015
%
A papercut is a tree's last revenge.
	―247NoSleep, Dec 2015
%
Human beings are the most intelligent and complex organisms in the known
universe. They're often made by accident.
	―jayflashgordon, Feb 2016
%
Normally in Scooby-Doo Shaggy runs side-by-side with Scooby, Great Danes run
at 48 kph. Technically, Shaggy is the fastest man alive.
	―iRyaaanM, Sep 2016
%
There are a certain number of people that are the same age as you. That number
can get smaller but it can never get bigger.
	―Masenkololol, Mar 2014
%
Whenever I look at nature, I still find it amazing we were able to turn those
raw items into HDTVs, smart phones and other technology.
	―Hardcorish, May 2016
%
If I date a homeless girl, I can just drop her off anywhere after the date
	―gill__gill, Oct 2016
%
If they'd made the Galaxy Note 7 with a removable battery, Samsung would still
have a viable product on their hands instead of a total loss.
	―autoposting_system, Oct 2016
%
People that think Eve was made from Adam's rib and are against stem cells
don't really understand what's going on.
	―stevemiles1234, Dec 2014
%
Words ending in "-us" are pluralized with "-i", but the plural of the word "I"
is "us."
	―Marx0r, Oct 2013
%
You become a grown-up the moment you wish you were still a kid
	―sharpandcleaver, Mar 2014
%
In Poland, every dancer is a pole-dancer
	―Make3, Sep 2014
%
Smith is such a common name because in medieval times the smiths probably
spent their time smithing instead of fighting wars, so they survived to
reproduce.
	―Kaleon, Mar 2015
%
If I were a judge, every time someone finished speaking in court I'd yell
"Well I'll be the judge of that."
	―childs25, Apr 2015
%
They better put emergency alert signals on Netflix, because nobody is going to
see them on TV anymore.
	―Drew1231, Jun 2015
%
Kanye West should make a "The Best of Kanye West" album and put all of his
songs on it.
	―LegalizeCrystalGanja, Aug 2015
%
They need to make phones fully waterproof so we can start pushing people into
pools again.
	―Benshannaboy, Jun 2016
%
Oh my God. Arby's. Like R.B.s. Like Roast Beefs
	―Grizz359, Aug 2016
%
Adam and Eve got an apple and regretted its terms and conditions.
	―Epicurus1, Mar 2015
%
I wonder if anyone ever fake sneezes in front of the Pope.
	―KajuMax, Sep 2015
%
I wonder how many flies have been trapped in a car, then traveled hundreds of
miles, got out and thought "The fuck..where am I?"
	―LemonDot, Oct 2015
%
What if Earth is the North Korea of the Galaxy?
	―i_need_quite, Jan 2016
%
When you're home alone, you're not afraid of being alone; you're scared of NOT
being alone.
	―angiespook, May 2016
%
None of us would be here today if our fathers had not masterbated the exact
number of times they did before we were conceived
	―Spartyon67, Sep 2016
%
Instead of asking for "Gender" or "Sex" on forms and such, why not just change
the category to a chromosomal option, e.g. "XX"/"XY", so we can all be done
with this already?
	―whusCrackalackin, Sep 2016
%
We ask Google questions, we get Yahoo Answers.
	―SwggrBck, Oct 2014
%
It's irrelevant when the time machine is invented.
	―IwishIhadAbetterNick, Apr 2015
%
If you have sex with 20 people who all weigh 50kgs or more each, you have
actually slept with "a ton of people".
	―Kalibrering, Jul 2015
%
It's going to be super weird when there are like 45 year old comments on
YouTube
	―HomerSimpleton, Apr 2016
%
In limbo, if you set the bar low, you are really setting the bar high.
	―Young_Gentlemen, Apr 2016
%
Superman shouldn't have any muscles because nothing on earth is heavy enough
to give him a workout.
	―what_the_total_hell, Jul 2016
%
Cinnamon is really just delicious sawdust.
	―FondSteam39, Jul 2016
%
I wonder if I'll struggle with future technology the way my Grandma struggles
with her TV remote
	―Lonewolfing, Aug 2016
%
I want my kid's middle name to be "Withawhy" just to mess with people's
spelling.
	―Tape2Tape, Jun 2015
%
Downvotes should move a post up in /r/dadjokes.
	―eucalypocalypse, Jun 2015
%
I wonder how many miles of toilet paper I've wiped my ass with in my life
	―Chipkellyeatsbabies, Jun 2015
%
When you think your job sucks, remember that the AARP has an IT tech support
team.
	―BubbRubbsSecretSanta, Aug 2016
%
The level of how close you feel to someone is directly correlated to how much
silence you are okay with having with them.
	―Bluestar280, Sep 2016
%
Erectile dysfunction is a growing problem.
	―[deleted], Jul 2013
%
The only difference between a revolution and a civil war is who wins.
	―dwaynebank, Feb 2014
%
Does an inside-out bag contain the universe?
	―BigGuyUpstairs, Jul 2014
%
Facebook is a Pokedex for humans.
	―MBPyro, Aug 2014
%
Giving out candy on Halloween is like paying protection money to a child mafia
so they won't vandalize your house.
	―CaveCricketCommander, Oct 2014
%
When our generation becomes old, retirement homes will become the ultimate LAN
party!
	―dstrait3, Mar 2015
%
If 9/11 happened a day earlier, it would making judging competitions very
awkward on a regular basis.
	―Renown84, Jul 2015
%
i'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace
	―benji5-0, Oct 2015
%
Saying "Edit: thanks for the gold stranger," is like an action hero looking
back at the explosion. It just ruins it.
	―CameraMan1, Oct 2015
%
Yelling "Fuck" during sex is like yelling "Hockey" while playing a game of
hockey.
	―Logruuf_The_Meta, Jan 2016
%
Today's date (2-20-2016) sounds like it's stuttering
	―Teves3D, Feb 2016
%
I bet clapping was invented by the first guy nobody wanted to high five.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
Confidence is throwing away the Ben & Jerrys pint topper before you've
taken the first bite.
	―Addor777, Oct 2016
%
In GTA, everyone drives with their doors unlocked despite high crime rates
	―beastgamer9136, Jan 2014
%
Sign language done by a really tired person must seem like a really thick
accent thats hard to understand.
	―s133zy, Apr 2014
%
Mary was the first one who yelled "JESUS!" out of anger.
	―arah26, Aug 2014
%
"Don't kid yourself" would be an appropriate slogan to promote safe sex
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
Kids who see C:\> on a computer screen today are going to automatically
turn their heads sideways to figure out what emoticon it's supposed to be.
	―Meunderwears, Aug 2015
%
Pregnant women are real life spawn points.
	―chrismo1233, Jan 2016
%
"Can I speak to your manager?" is the adult equivalent of "I'm telling!"
	―rightenough, Jun 2016
%
If you don’t reproduce, you are breaking a 4 billion year old family
tradition.
	―azlan4, Oct 2016
%
/r/ShowerThoughts charity: water campaign
	―drumcowski, Jul 2014
%
When I move my body, I am literally moving matter with my mind.
	―reebee7, Aug 2014
%
In movies with space battles, don't you find it coincidental that when the
ships approach each other, they are both the "same way up?" The odds are
pretty low that they left their home planets and defined "up" the same way.
	―jkvandelay, Dec 2014
%
When you drink a bottle of whisky both you and the bottle end up drunk by the
other.
	―bath_mole, Feb 2015
%
I correct autocorrect more times than autocorrect corrects me
	―MentorNika, Jun 2015
%
About every 15 minutes, there is a wave of people being woken up by alarms. 5
minutes later another wave of slightly less motivated individuals wakes up for
the second time.
	―BudosoNT, Feb 2016
%
Amazon should have a button that tells them "I'm done looking for items like
these" after you found one and bought it
	―NickCasas, Apr 2016
%
Blaming Snowden for causing distrust in government is like blaming a fire
alarm for starting a fire.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
When someone says "you clean up nice," it means they didn't want to have sex
with you before, but now they do.
	―spoonerhouse, Sep 2015
%
If you adopt a house pet that is blind, you should name it "Roomba".
	―pimp_juice2272, Sep 2015
%
Why don't we take all of the "forever alone" girls from Tumblr, and match them
with "forever alone" guys from Reddit?
	―FBI_SURV_VAN_69, Aug 2016
%
Have you ever stopped paying attention in class, realized you stopped paying
attention and started focusing so hard on paying attention you're not paying
attention?
	―JonTze, Oct 2016
%
Imagine the kids at the same orphanage as Stuart Little. A mouse was chosen
over them.
	―turndownforpoptarts, Jun 2014
%
I have a small tentacle in my mouth that helps me eat.
	―verysneakypanda, Aug 2014
%
If service dogs knew that they wear signs that say "don't pet me" all day
they'd get really upset.
	―daulton_storm, May 2015
%
Perhaps jokes that humans find funny and jokes that crickets find funny are
mutually exclusive.
	―thereimerseffect, Sep 2015
%
I wish movies and shows had a separate volume level for vocals, special
effects, and music, like video games.
	―steelste, May 2016
%
Using swype keyboards is like texting in cursive.
	―jesteruga, Jan 2015
%
If were ever on Naked and Afraid, I would try to pay the editors to use an
extra huge blur censor between my legs.
	―NutShotMontage, May 2016
%
"I should go, I have to work in the morning." Is the adult version of "It's my
bedtime."
	―Constitutional_Prole, Jun 2016
%
Humans are weird. We invented the helmet so we could keep doing the things
that were wrecking our heads.
	―raskulous, Jul 2016
%
The world is not getting dumber.it's just easier for dumb people to get their
thoughts heard.
	―loveyouAmerica, Jul 2016
%
Can vampires read, or do all the lowercase t's make it impossible?
	―CriticalRibbon, Apr 2014
%
What if aliens visited Earth during the Jurassic Period, found it to be
occupied with a bunch of mean, giant lizards and thought "Well, fuck this
planet" and never came back?
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
Wallets are just pockets we put in our pockets.
	―ThorsHand, Apr 2015
%
Strippers are basically naked beggars
	―dasflikken, May 2015
%
Most people die with a negative K/D.
	―Flamery, Sep 2015
%
"Well, I never!" is just Grandma's version of "What the fuck?"
	―GnarlyBellyButton87, Oct 2015
%
Now Disney owns Marvel and Star Wars, there's no legal obstacle to a Jedi
avenger.
	―dartsdude1, Jan 2016
%
Why does no one refer to a one-night-stand as a Humpty Dumpty?
	―wahwahwaaaaah, Jul 2016
%
Sirens and horns should be illegal in radio commercials
	―sawer707, Aug 2016
%
Two days ago I was 17, next year I'll be 20. Only people born on December,
31st can make this claim.
	―ronniedude, Jan 2015
%
When we drop our phones, we panic. When our friends fall to the ground, we
laugh.
	―Phileap, Feb 2015
%
Like the proton or neutron, the crouton literally means "small particle of
bread crust"
	―bramlet, Oct 2015
%
They should release an album of all the photos Bender took whenever he said
"Neat" and snapped away.
	―kevino025, May 2016
%
When you kill a cockroach and put it in the trashcan it's kinda like sending
it to their version of heaven
	―anonymouse212, Sep 2016
%
Every human who has ever lived has seen the same Sun and Moon.
	―[deleted], Aug 2013
%
Saturday Night Live should do an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy where the real
Alex Trebek plays Will Ferrell as a contestant.
	―Pee_Earl_Grey_Hot, Apr 2014
%
Shoes are just a floor you take with you.
	―I_EAT_GHOTI_DICKS, Aug 2014
%
Formerly obese people should be allowed to donate skin to burn victims free of
charge.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
5 grams of weed should be called a high five.
	―strayhat, Mar 2015
%
If we discover that plants can actually feel what happens to them we are gonna
owe a huge apology to grass.
	―yong598, Jun 2015
%
In 150 years Facebook will be the world's largest online memorial page.
	―MeKuF, Nov 2015
%
When you are 20 you put the empty bottles of booze you drank up as a
trophy. When you are 30 you hide them before anyone sees them.
	―Handsomecaleb, Jun 2016
%
If oxygen was to just suddenly disappear from earths atmosphere, sick patients
on oxygen would wonder why everyone just died.
	―LuKirby, Jul 2016
%
Bathtubs are just reverse boats...
	―[deleted], Apr 2013
%
Most Indians and other Asians in the world of Harry Potter would have a harder
time casting spells due to their accents.
	―Mrwazztazz, Jul 2013
%
I want to start a creative writing class for convicts and call it, "Prose and
Cons"
	―gamartin45, Aug 2014
%
A tissue fetish would be extremely convenient.
	―Ep1cmoe, Dec 2014
%
A million quarters is a quarter million
	―Theraft90, Feb 2015
%
I wonder how many women lining up to see 50 Shades of Grey are the same women
who get pissed if their husbands watch porn?
	―Amphibology29, Feb 2015
%
"Nice guys finish last" is actually pretty sound sexual advice
	―EEVVEERRYYOONNEE, May 2015
%
There will probably be an immortal mouse before there is an immortal human.
	―011010110, Nov 2015
%
Now that I'm in college, my curfew is whenever my phone runs out of battery.
	―walrusbot, Nov 2015
%
Finding a worm in an apple has not proven to be as common of an occurrence as
I thought it would be as a child.
	―Buusakasaka, Sep 2016
%
Companies should make more interesting 5 second adverts as I'm going to skip
them on Youtube anyway.
	―DarthLordi, Sep 2016
%
It'd probably only take a few thousand generations of selective breeding to
turn a squid into a fully functioning inkjet printer.
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
Ya know all of those bad guys who went to jail at the end of all of those 80's
and 90's action-comedy movies? Most of them would be out of jail by now.
	―WhaleAndTheWolf, Feb 2016
%
I procrastinate because I am stressed. I am stressed because I procrastinate.
	―meflou, Mar 2016
%
High schools should have a "How to adult" class, where students learn how to
do taxes, resumes, and other essential adult things.
	―paleselan1, Apr 2016
%
Every Saturday I grudgingly mow my lawn. To me, mowing the lawn is a chore. To
the ants, grass and other wildlife that have made a home on my property, I am
a destroyer of worlds, wielding a terrifying death machine.
	―ahem17, May 2016
%
I never appreciate how painless it is to swallow until I have strep.
	―averagejoegreen, Sep 2016
%
It's kinda scary to think that 100,000 years from now, most of our important
historical events will be a blip on a timeline in a child's school book.
	―[deleted], Oct 2013
%
Children are like guns: I think I'd like to have one of my own but I don't
like when others have theirs out around me in public.
	―FunkyMonk12, Sep 2014
%
iWatch is useless since you could bend the iPhone 6 around your wrist.
	―[deleted], Sep 2014
%
If two mind readers read each other's mind, whose mind are they reading?
	―theNicAngel, Apr 2015
%
Even though "up" and "down" are opposites, the phrases "I'm up for it" and
"I'm down for it" mean the same thing
	―Jcmagiccow, Oct 2015
%
Someone should make fauxfu. A tofu substitute made out of meat, for people who
want to pretend they are vegetarian but still eat meat.
	―illlogic, Jan 2016
%
Being attracted to your own flacid penis would be the worst fetish ever
	―technologyviewers, Oct 2016
%
MEXICO upside down is WEXICO.
	―tensory, Nov 2014
%
If I had an identical twins that was 5 minutes younger than me, I'd constantly
tell them "when I was your age I..." then proceed to tell them what I was
doing 5 minutes ago.
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
Lord Farquaad should have picked Snow White, because having another dwarf
around would be anything but abnormal to her.
	―duclos015, Feb 2016
%
If both arms were on one side of the body, T-shirts would be called F-shirts
	―An_actual_stalker, Mar 2016
%
What if the eagles in Lord of the Rings are regular size and everyone else is
just really small?
	―Taodyn, Mar 2016
%
When I was a kid, I wished I could read people’s minds. And in a monkey’s paw
twist, my wish was horribly granted with Facebook.
	―timhamilton47, Jul 2016
%
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it's always collecting dust.
	―ZygoMattic, Jul 2016
%
You are a brain, sitting inside an armoured cockpit, piloting a bone mecha.
	―Voltzeh, Aug 2016
%
The idea of a ghost that moans may have been started by children whose parents
were having sex in the adjacent room and denied having heard the sounds.
	―AlenGiss, Oct 2016
%
When marijuana becomes legalized, there's going to be a lot of confused police
dogs.
	―Dracovis, Oct 2014
%
The guy on Superman who said "Look, up in the sky! It's a bird!" seriously
overreacted.
	―FreddiePeterson, Oct 2014
%
"The Wolverine" is Canadian and his super power is free healthcare
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
A Batman vs ironman movie would be the most realistic superhero movie ever
made if done properly.
	―buckweed_the_African, Apr 2015
%
If your pocket was jingling with coins 200 years ago you were likely a rich
man, now if you have change filled pockets you are likely a poor man.
	―Neo_Satan, Oct 2015
%
There should've been a Bond film in 2007.
	―itsandercontrol, Feb 2016
%
Older people used to tell us not to believe everything we see on the
internet. Now they take everything on their Facebook feed as pure historical
truth, without a second thought.
	―Dumpster_Fired_Up, Oct 2016
%
Restaurants like to advertise "Home Made" while at home people are
complimented with "Restaurant Quality".
	―ilovesheets, Jun 2014
%
I don't like the fact that my body can kill me.
	―AuuD_, Oct 2014
%
Facebook should have a «I am into you» button, with the other person finding
out only if she also clicked on «I am into you» for you too.
	―Antoine76, Dec 2014
%
The South Park episode about Jared wanting to give the kids aids has a very
different meaning now.
	―Lakiefe, Aug 2015
%
Every time you've rushed to try and to catch a flight, there's been two
strangers sitting in your row hoping you don't make it.
	―HBombthrow, Aug 2015
%
I really like the thought of going to a city where nobody knows my name or
anything about me
	―ykr3Bz, Mar 2016
%
In the future, Earth Day will probably be a day to remember Earth.
	―EverythingBurned, Apr 2016
%
We humans are so social that when we're alone for a while we
almost-unconsciously start conversing with ourselves.
	―iconoptic, Jun 2013
%
With so many people in the world, every time a microwave counts down to Zero,
it's counting down to the end of someone's life.
	―Boss_Taurus, Jan 2015
%
"Pics or it didn't happen" is the criminal defense for US Police Officers
	―iDeeeeeedIt, Jun 2015
%
The wright brothers were indirectly responsible for 9/11
	―CrayonsOfDoom, Nov 2015
%
I'd say about 95% of the time a person has told me "it's a long story," it
wasn't
	―matt552024, Nov 2015
%
The older generation probably invented the internet to keep young people
indoors and off their lawns. It worked. Smart bastards.
	―analest-analyst, Feb 2016
%
The most realistic part of the Age of Ultron was when Ultron decided to
destroy humanity after spending some time on the internet.
	―IReadYourWords, Jul 2016
%
"Solo" cups are ironically associated with mass social gatherings and parties
	―Pseudo-esque, Feb 2014
%
What if things we see in gray, are actually just colors we cannot see?
	―SenatorSassypants, Aug 2014
%
There's nothing you can say to a guy who's been struck by lightning multiple
times to convince him that his chances of getting hit again are the same as
anyone else.
	―JustinAuthorAshol, Dec 2015
%
The final Die Hard movie should be titled "Old Habits Die Hard"
	―drewgarr, Jan 2016
%
When someone finally invents a hoverboard, they won't be able to call it that
because the name is already taken by those dumb ass sideways skateboards
	―aznednacni, Feb 2016
%
It's kinda odd that marijuana legality progresses in such a way that it is
accepted as beneficial for ill people before its considered safe for healthy
ones
	―quiteintriguing, Apr 2016
%
/r/kansas should be the subreddit for Arkansas.
	―[deleted], Aug 2016
%
Every time I feel unexpected pain, I wonder if my descendants got hit so hard
that their ancestors could feel it.
	―Ichthasen, Sep 2016
%
If there were no sentient beings in the universe, would it really exist?
	―hprshredder, Oct 2016
%
My constant cell phone use probably confuses the hell out of my dog.
	―Klanko, Oct 2013
%
If John Hammond really had "Spared no expense" you'd think he'd have hired
more than one IT guy for Jurassic Park.
	―jjake101, Jun 2015
%
I wonder how many people have to go to work every day for me to live my life
how I live. There must be a huge network of people that is like a domino
effect for each little thing I own and service that I use. I wonder how many
other people it takes for me to live.
	―thiscontradiction, Jun 2015
%
If I had known how much I would like reddit I would have put more effort into
my user name
	―Freezie17, Nov 2015
%
When I try to picture the early 1900s in my mind it's always in black and
white
	―ironchefchopchop, Jan 2016
%
At the store I can exchange legal tender for chicken tender
	―mpnordland, May 2016
%
This generation's kids will grow up thinking the guy on Newman's Own salad
dressing is just another fictional mascot
	―fatstupidbaby, Jun 2016
%
We only have a few minutes to live, but breathing resets the timer.
	―NomNomNomNation, Aug 2016
%
Ice cubes float in their own blood
	―cottonsox7, Aug 2014
%
If you are to throw up sushi, it will be more cooked than when you ate it.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
Judging by the state of public restrooms, potty training is a giant failure.
	―cunn5065, Jul 2015
%
Kanye should stop comparing himself to God. God doesn't even write his own
verses.
	―SnoodDood, Aug 2015
%
I've never seen a "tunnel of love" ride in real life.
	―dbumba, Oct 2015
%
Since the popularity of cell phones, it became a lot more socially acceptable
to hang out by yourself in a parking lot.
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
You know you're adult when you have the freedom to eat ice cream for
breakfast..... but you choose not to.
	―CennaX1215, Jul 2016
%
Quitting smoking is like getting paid not to smoke.
	―ur_invalid, May 2015
%
It's not that surpsing that meowing at cats elicits a surprised
response. Imagine if a cat walked by and said something random like,
"Democracy".
	―stevieraykatz, Jul 2015
%
What if your pillow collected your dreams and then you could plug it into your
laptop and watch them again
	―Bep_Beep, Aug 2015
%
Never Gonna Give You Up is probably the most viewed but least watched video of
all time.
	―Newtonbomb11, Nov 2015
%
Canada is 50% the letter A, but it is abbreviated CND
	―TheGreatGav, Dec 2015
%
When browsing reddit, curiosity always drives me to click on NSFW links, no
matter how odd the title is.
	―unanimousness, Jan 2016
%
They should attach go-pro's to all the jockey's in the Grand National and then
people at home could select which horse to watch during the race
	―Ohalrightmate, Apr 2016
%
As a plumber I am genuinely confused by the porn industry's misconception of
my profession's sex appeal.
	―Delm055, Aug 2016
%
"up", when rotated 180 degrees, looks like "dn".
	―gmsc, Aug 2013
%
"Are you as bored as I am?" Can be said backwards and still make sense.
	―[deleted], Jul 2014
%
Maybe Man created God in his image.
	―[deleted], Aug 2014
%
There should be a "Kickstarter" style website for funding scientific research
and initiatives.
	―Konfliction, Sep 2014
%
If a minor goes to a store and accidentally breaks a bottle of alcohol they
can't pay for it
	―deanisthewenis, Sep 2015
%
Cinderella costumes should be breakaways you can pull off at midnight to
reveal her tattered normal clothes.
	―NectarineOverPeach, Nov 2015
%
Wolverine is the least polite of the X-Men, despite the fact he is Canadian.
	―CaptCash, Mar 2016
%
When a picture is more pixelated it actually has less pixels.
	―c_cooper93, Apr 2016
%
4am is weird because its too early for morning people, and too late for night
people
	―nrap612, Jul 2016
%
In highschool I wondered how long people would date until sex. In college I
wonder how long people have sex until they date...
	―n33lostrichracer, Sep 2015
%
Maybe the reason the WebMD diagnosis of your symptoms is always worst case
scenario is to get people to actually go to the doctor instead of just self
diagnosing with the internet.
	―Engineer_Outside, Dec 2015
%
Why don't toothpaste companies make a drowsy toothpaste so when you brush
before bed it helps you sleep?
	―jacobburns, Jan 2016
%
Nothing screws up your Friday like realizing it's Tuesday.
	―Kas585, Feb 2016
%
I don't think I've ever confidently used a semicolon in my life.
	―Hodorhohodor, Oct 2016
%
Pouring something is just controlled spilling.
	―Freeza1, Sep 2013
%
I'd pay an exorbitant amount of money to have my back window light up with led
lettering certain phrases to other drivers like "get off your phone fuckface"
or "use your signal lights dipshit"
	―nickg452csh, Aug 2015
%
As a kid I would brag about staying up past 11. As an adult I brag about
getting to sleep before 11.
	―tantalicatom689, Sep 2015
%
Middle class probably has the best hygiene, considering they're neither dirt
poor nor filthy rich
	―Frisheid, Nov 2015
%
The asshole is the nipple of the butt. Showing boob is not nudity unless the
nipple is exposed; likewise, asses are not extremely pornographic unless the
asshole is revealed.
	―ancientcreature, Aug 2014
%
Theme parks can take a clear photo of you on a moving roller coaster, but
stores can't take a clear picture of a robber standing still..
	―lora3323, Oct 2014
%
I will never be able to seriously google, "Can jet fuel melt steel beams?" and
look for a real, scientific analysis of the question.
	―Shiverpool, Apr 2015
%
I wish Tabasco had a fine mist spray top, instead of a single hole that
scatters splooches of flavor patches on my eggs.
	―Convincing_Lies, Aug 2015
%
Can't a Knight in dirty armor be just as, if not more, heroic than a Knight in
shining armor? In fact, a Knight in shining armor probably didn't do much
fighting and is probably a coward anyways.
	―nicko786, Oct 2015
%
Winnie the Pooh stars two kangaroos and a rabbit, yet the tiger is the one
known for bouncing
	―Ganonthegreat, Dec 2015
%
As a kid the movie Groundhog Day seemed utterly unrealistic. As an adult
working the same 9-5 for years it's the most realistic snapshot of life I've
ever seen
	―bflo091986, Aug 2016
%
I spend so much time and money keeping my body alive and the only thing I get
in return is shit.
	―PM_ME_STEAMGAMES_PLS, Aug 2016
%
The female version of cock blocking should be called beaver damming.
	―ohjeezandoy, Nov 2014
%
I should start a magizine called alzhiemers weekly were the same magizine is
published every week.
	―pm_your_huge_chode, Aug 2015
%
I only refer to flavors of Gatorade by their colors.
	―whatamafu, Sep 2015
%
Santa Claus goes down chimneys. Claustrophobia is being afraid of enclosed
spaces
	―gaykoala, Sep 2015
%
I miss being able to sit up without making sound effects.
	―telephototulip, Dec 2015
%
I have yet to hear of an ovation that was of the non-standing variety.
	―TheCreatorLovesYou, Feb 2016
%
In the USA, it's 100x cheaper to take an Uber to the hospital instead of an
ambulance.
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
Saying "mhm" or "yeah" in conversation is the real life version of pressing A
to skip through a character's dialogue in a videogame.
	―thedeafpoliceman, May 2014
%
"Magic Johnson" is the perfect name for someone who has had HIV for almost a
quarter-century yet appears to be completely healthy
	―zwinger, Feb 2015
%
At a certain age, Halloween stops being about candy and starts being about eye
candy.
	―yimyames, Jun 2015
%
Up until you died, being a taste tester for the king probably wasn't that bad
of a job
	―elcielo17, May 2016
%
"I try to stay humble" is the humble way of saying "I'm very humble"
	―HotGeorgeForeman, Aug 2016
%
It’s officially that annoying time of year where it’s sweater weather in the
morning but by mid-day you die of heatstroke.
	―WalterMatthew262, Sep 2016
%
If earphones keep getting tangled and shoelaces keep getting untangled, why
don't we use earphones as shoelaces and shoelaces as earphones?
	―sashamallaa, Oct 2016
%
Whoever the first person was to try honey had to be really hungry.
	―TouchMyPaws, Mar 2014
%
"up/dn" is the same when read upside down
	―TheCreatorLovesYou, Apr 2015
%
In my 20s I thought therapists were for unstable people. In my 30s I think
they're for stable people.
	―NiceFormBro, Sep 2016
%
I don't like bumping into anyone I know in public because I hate jumping into
character.
	―Nymik, Oct 2016
%
If people on the show "Cribs" had the same amount of stuff but smaller houses,
they would be on the show "Hoarders"
	―Quarkis, Sep 2014
%
Stephen Hawking should change his voice to SIRI for Halloween
	―popnfresh24, Jan 2015
%
There should be a porn star named Dwayne "The Cock" Johnson
	―Pyne, Sep 2015
%
We say as kids we think $1,000 is a lot of money and as adults realize it
isn't. I'm an adult and when I'm broke, $1000 would in fact be a lot of money
to me.
	―i_am_omega, May 2016
%
Theres no "d" in refrigerator but theres a "d" in fridge?
	―IANAL_, Jul 2016
%
We take a lot more photos of attractive people than unattractive; so the
general attractiveness of our society will be skewed historically.
	―shortround10, Oct 2014
%
3 out of 5 stars is GOOD. 6/10 is OKAY. 60% is BAD.
	―miexy, Nov 2015
%
Everybody knows about the Secret Service.
	―brookshanes, Apr 2016
%
When an NSFW link takes longer than a few seconds to load, i start to think i
was given a chance to back out and not see what ever horrible thing the link
might be. Almost like fate.
	―MrLeftwardSloping, May 2016
%
Those "please disable adblock" messages are just ads for ads.
	―BatmansParentsAreDed, Sep 2016
%
It's 7:45 on October 3rd and I just saw a Christmas commercial and I am not
sure how I feel about that.
	―QuiGonGingerAle, Oct 2016
%
Even if an ad is about a product I'm interested in, I'll still google the
product instead of clicking on the ad because I don't trust them.
	―MrShlash, Oct 2016
%
Maybe things like breaking mirrors and walking under ladders are just
considered bad luck because they're DANGEROUS.
	―belbivfreeordie, Apr 2014
%
In 100 years, Facebook will have profiles for an entire generation of dead
people.
	―savedsid, Mar 2015
%
If there were only two people left on Earth and they got into a fight, that
would probably be considered a World War.
	―JamesTheSnail, May 2015
%
Pandas are alive because of pity.
	―jameselharris, Aug 2015
%
Daredevil is a blind superhero whose superpower is that he can see.
	―080087, Sep 2015
%
I'm one of the people who actually likes the song 'Never gonna give you up',
so whenever I get rickrolled instead of being mad, I'm unexpectedly happy,
similar to when my favorite song comes on the radio.
	―ZTBEA5T, Apr 2016
%
There should be a game where you have to light the candles on your birthday
cake and blow them out before the group can finish singing 'Happy
Birthday'. That way, you have something to do instead of awkwardly sitting
there.
	―SunflowerSamurai_, Oct 2016
%
The first President of the Moon might have already been born.
	―elgroucho, Aug 2013
%
When I was little, my parents used to wait until I was asleep to watch shows
that were inappropriate for me. Now that I'm an adult visiting family, I wait
until my parents go to bed before I watch shows that are inappropriate for
them.
	―ANAL_DEFIBRILLATOR, Dec 2014
%
There are 7 billion people on the planet. If everyone is awake for 16 hours
per day, then every three years, humanity collectively experiences a period of
time longer than the age of the Universe.
	―peter_please_answer, Jun 2015
%
I have never seen a advertisement for Candy Corn. Ever
	―pumpkin_seeds_, Nov 2015
%
The man who submitted the world record for smallest dick has the biggest
balls.
	―Televirus, Nov 2015
%
Chuck Norris' death is going to be the most annoying day on Facebook ever
	―Tuggin_MaGoiter, Apr 2016
%
The difference between sexual harassment and flirting is how attractive the
other person finds you.
	―lostseahawk, Apr 2016
%
Fevers are just your body's way of trying to kill the disease with fire
	―itsthatkidgreg, Apr 2016
%
We actually advertise when our food has real food in it.
	―bmlangd, Jun 2016
%
Strict parents raise the best liars.
	―tquo, Jul 2016
%
"Nailing" something is considered good, but when you "screw it up", it's a bad
thing, even though screws are better at their job than nails are.
	―HerbalGamer, Aug 2016
%
Preventing childhood obesity is as easy as taking candy from a baby.
	―elliottblackwood, Jan 2014
%
Since 2000 we've gone from having a single portable CD player to having the
collective knowledge of mankind in your pocket.
	―ciacciojon, Apr 2014
%
As an hourly-paid worker, I am literally paying for the crap I buy with hours
of my life.
	―NcallyS, Sep 2014
%
A family of crows flying into a wood chipper is called a murder suicide.
	―NotFunnyAlreadyTaken, Nov 2014
%
It must be awkward for the wives who legitimately hit a door and got a black
eye.
	―dorkmax, May 2015
%
Today is Thursday, a day named after the Nordic God, Thor. To celebrate, I
will be drinking heavily and throwing hammers at my coworkers.
	―OfficialKimboSlice, Mar 2016
%
In a 2 hour episode of "The Voice," there is only about 10 minutes of actual
singing.
	―LavenderGoomes, Oct 2016
%
I wonder if I have ever killed a celebrity while playing any online
multiplayer game.
	―Sheltopusik, Aug 2014
%
You know how people talking in slow motion kinda sounds like whales? What if
we sped up whale noises and they were actually speaking people language but
just really slowly
	―moonkiller23, Aug 2014
%
Restaurants with WiFi should connect you to the menus section of their website
so people order before browsing the internet.
	―[deleted], Nov 2014
%
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people on the internet should
be called an argument.
	―madplayshd, Dec 2014
%
Viagra should be classified as a hard drug.
	―Urgullibl, Jun 2015
%
When I read a TIL and I already knew it, it makes me feel smarter than the OP.
	―blabbit, Jul 2015
%
If you do stuff with your parents you are basically the third wheel on a date
	―JungleRobba, Aug 2015
%
Chipotle should offer free guac as a way to pay America back for their e-coli
scare.
	―twistsg1, Jan 2016
%
A ton of people is only around 10-15 individuals.
	―optimatez, Feb 2016
%
If terrorists ever scare me as much as "being in the wrong neighborhood" in my
own country, the USA, I'll let you know.
	―[deleted], May 2016
%
Aliens in pop culture always have humanoid bodies. It's like if sea cucumbers
had scifi and every alien was just a different coloured sausage
	―Sweetmilk_, Aug 2016
%
The NSA could probably tell us when Half-Life 3 is coming out.
	―Only100percent, Apr 2015
%
Netflix needs an "ending soon" feature based on stuff you're in the middle of
watching so it doesn't just disappear on you one day.
	―probably_not_serious, Sep 2015
%
People who say "Trump only says what everyone is thinking" actually believe
everyone thinks those things.
	―MozeeToby, Sep 2015
%
Scooby-doo taught us that the real monsters are people.
	―ZForZimmer, Apr 2016
%
Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We
are reverting to the era of pocket watches.
	―alex_jo, Oct 2016
%
Saying, "Happy New Year," is kind of like saying, "Have a nice day," but
multiplied by 365
	―KidCasey, Dec 2013
%
The only reason that Yahoo Mail is still relevant is probably because Gmail
users want a separate email account for email signups and spam mail
	―Rguptaingitup, Apr 2015
%
I dont know if jesus walked on water, but more recently ordinary people walked
on the moon and I think thats more impressive.
	―BenRayfield, Dec 2015
%
Guys who think girls don't notice when they are nice, are probably ONLY nice
to girls they think are pretty.
	―rottinguy, Mar 2016
%
What if I'm a prodigy at something I've never considered doing?
	―dictatorchina, May 2016
%
Microwaves should count up after the timer ends. So I know how long the item
has been cooling.
	―brcde, Jun 2016
%
If you are married to a law enforcement officer, you are fulfilling NWA's
mission by fucking the police.
	―YouSureThisGood, Aug 2016
%
We're the only species that drinks another species' milk, but we consider it
strange to drink our own species' milk.
	―[deleted], Sep 2014
%
Since Brother is the older Berenstain Bear sibling, there were two years
before his sister was born when he was an only child named Brother.
	―mrphmurphster, Feb 2015
%
One day prosthetic limbs will be so advanced that the Paralympics will have
better records than the Olympics.
	―memyselfandemily, Mar 2015
%
We should have an ultimate Olympics, where performance enhancing drugs are
allowed and encouraged in order to see the limits of human abilities.
	―dizeaze, Apr 2015
%
According to a study, when you begin a sentence with "according to a study,"
people will believe anything you say.
	―Ragnar_Targaryen, Jun 2015
%
Alex Trebek should host an AMA where he gives us his answers first.
	―PutZeCandleBack, Feb 2016
%
The meaning of life can be found in a dictionary.
	―Throwoway420, Apr 2016
%
Babies cry a lot because any little discomfort is literally the worst thing
they ever felt in their life.
	―Bpbegha, Apr 2016
%
If a character in Toy Story died, the toys would have to watch Andy play with
the corpse of that character.
	―skullgamer, Jun 2016
%
I find it hard to believe that absolutely EVERYbody was Kung fu fighting
	―Slippery_Wet, Jul 2016
%
"Apart" is one word, but implies separated. "A part" is two words, but implies
together.
	―papegaaieeieren, Aug 2016
%
I wonder how many foods are thought to be poisonous because the first person
to eat them was allergic.
	―morris1022, Oct 2016
%
You can post a random gif of any porn, and someone on reddit will be able to
guide you to a source in HD, place to download/torrent, even all previous
scenes and movies with the stars involved. What a time to be alive.
	―FluffyGamer, Oct 2016
%
We all could have literally been created a second ago along with all our
memories. Nobody could tell.
	―GoldLeader272, Jan 2015
%
If you make a statue of Baby Jesus, everyone thinks it's fine. If you make a
statue of Jesus on the cross that's fine too. But if I make a statue of baby
Jesus nailed to a cross all the neighbors start to complain
	―anthonymyers3000, Dec 2015
%
There should be a show like iron chef, but instead of making food they make
Rube Goldberg Machines.
	―BenjaminHarrisonFord, Dec 2015
%
As cars become quieter and more electric, crossing the street will become even
more dangerous
	―KingWoloWolo, Jan 2016
%
They should make "college porn", in which all the actors and actresses lines
are actual college study guides for specific courses.
	―ZeeQuestionAsker, Jan 2016
%
If I search "define definition" in google, will I get the definition for
define, or definition?
	―Jake2601, Jun 2016
%
Saying "It's God's Will" when something bad happens is the same as Bethesda
saying "It's not a bug, it's a feature."
	―Theoretical_What, Jun 2016
%
I have never ever stored any gloves in my car's glove compartment.
	―qarlthemade, Aug 2016
%
The "unfollow" option on Facebook was the best thing to happen to that site.
	―MarcusElder, Sep 2016
%
There should be an app that looks up a police officers badge number or name
and lets you rate cops by professionalism and display any connected articles
about them.
	―aCommentAboutNothing, Feb 2015
%
I'm 21 years old. There are kids younger than me in the NBA making millions.
	―jaybustah, Feb 2015
%
If princesses get their beauty rest, do men get a good-knight's sleep?
	―KingSlenderr, Mar 2015
%
Fathers day should be nine months before mothers day.
	―[deleted], May 2014
%
I live closer to space than to Asia
	―Halvguden, Nov 2014
%
Google should do a "Street View" of the International Space Station.
	―nehalwa, Feb 2015
%
If Justin Bieber somehow commits suicide, the internet would feel so shitty,
being part of the largest case of cyber-bullying in history.
	―kirusagi32, Apr 2015
%
AutoCorrect should have options such as "I intend to swear.", "I have a large
lexicon." and "I regularly use technical words."
	―BadgerOverlord, Jun 2015
%
The president pardoning a turkey must be a real slap in the face for the real
life human beings sitting on death row.
	―Spam4119, Nov 2015
%
In a Rick Astley concert, if he didn't sing "never gonna give you up", it
would be a reverse rickroll.
	―Ayle87, Feb 2016
%
If somebody who is allergic to eggs has eggs thrown at their house, it's
practically biological warfare.
	―Actually_The_Flash, May 2016
%
Whenever I enter my house and a bad smell is no longer there, I'm more worried
that I got used to the smell than the smell actually being gone.
	―StrahansToothGap, May 2016
%
It's amazing how my brain can construct these highly detailed and vivid scenes
during dreams, yet I can't seem to draw a stick figure better than your
average 7 year-old.
	―CuriousCatLiving, Aug 2016
%
With 7 billion people on Earth, every single day (24 hour period) there is
over 19 million years of human experience that occurs.
	―aquaticMisanthrope, Aug 2016
%
Somewhere there is a severely autistic person who can't help but see Waldo
instantly, and wonders what all the fuss is about.
	―scooterdoop, Sep 2016
%
In about 50 years, it'll be impressive when I tell my grandchildren that I'm
older than YouTube
	―mightynifty, Apr 2014
%
If sunscreen was called Cancer Repellent more people would use it.
	―NightSnake, Jan 2015
%
Life is free-to-play/open-world/perma-death with unbalanced starting classes
and terrible Pay-to-Win mechanics.
	―mangodurban, Mar 2015
%
We avoid risks in life so we can safely make it to our deaths.
	―EKcore, Jun 2015
%
If KFC sold buckets of just their breaded chicken skin, I'd buy it.
	―Mofoe_Cake, Nov 2015
%
Volcanoes are basically just Earth's zits.
	―mayonnaise_man, Mar 2014
%
The show "Are you smarter than a fifth grader" is enforcing the idea to kids
that the information they are learning in school is useless in the future.
	―whatAjoy, Jun 2014
%
We don't kill time, time actually kills us
	―Supermanliam, Nov 2014
%
They should have made a remake of Ned's Declassified School Survival guide
where Ned's grown up and he gives tips and tricks on how to survive college.
	―ProfessorGigs, May 2015
%
Porn companies and Disney shows are looking to hire the same demographic -
adults who look like teens.
	―hippydippybaloney, Jan 2016
%
If the Mayans had ended their calendar in 2016 ,instead of 2012, it would have
been a lot more believeable.
	―JVM_, Sep 2016
%
Relatively speaking cars driven by people will be this weird blip in history
between animal and robotic transportation.
	―ZeroSchool, Oct 2016
%
The best barber will never be able to have the best haircut
	―canihaveausername, Oct 2016
%
Samsung made a waterproof phone that catches on fire, is there a more deadly
combination?
	―splityoassintwo, Oct 2016
%
Shouting "Yes!" and "Yeah!" during sex is perfectly normal, but shouting
"Yep!" would make it incredibly awkward.
	―Dolandemort, Jan 2015
%
If Eve doomed the human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike
bar?
	―schaferlite, Dec 2015
%
The only time incorrectly is spelled correctly is when its spelled incorrectly
	―G_man252, Apr 2016
%
There are entire LANGUAGES of puns that I'll never get to appreciate.
	―Gil_Demoono, May 2016
%
I always assume my cat likes it when I meow at him, but I'd be pretty fucking
freaked out if he started making human sounds at me.
	―repliers_beware, Jul 2016
%
Car headlights should flash at the same time the horn is pressed to alert
people with hearing difficulties.
	―PugSmuggler, Apr 2015
%
For every reaction there is an equal and opposite social media overreaction.
	―TommehBoi, Sep 2015
%
Being a redditor feels like being a time-traveller, All the famous posts that
I've already seen weeks back are now showing up on my Facebook newsfeed.
	―AtomicHomie, Sep 2015
%
Ant-man could be in every shot of the new Captain America trailer and we
wouldn't know
	―londome, Nov 2015
%
When Math teachers used to tell us "you won't always have a calculator with
you" they couldn't have been more wrong.
	―TillYouScream, Sep 2016
%
What if we're not alone in the universe and we're actually a 'protected
species' living in a space nature reserve where no other life is allowed to
disturb us until we become a type I civilisation?
	―TheeAlligatorr, Oct 2016
%
Your first time jerking off should be called your Faptism.
	―pupton_sinclair, Dec 2013
%
The "&" symbol looks like a man scooting across the floor on his butt.
	―Tec4nom4ncer, Aug 2014
%
We ask 18-year-olds to make huge decisions about their career and financial
future, when a month ago they had to ask to go to the bathroom.
	―brennan135, Feb 2015
%
I wonder if I've ever been in possession of the same coin more than once
	―purient, Oct 2015
%
Every celebrity that says "Follow your dreams" just has confirmation bias.
	―devilmaydance, Nov 2015
%
I was much better at being myself when I was a kid.
	―telephototulip, Dec 2015
%
I live in a modest 1 bed/bath apartment. To me it's small, but for insects
that find their way in, it is akin to the Mines of Moria, huge and cavernous
and unfamiliar architechure. And my cat is like the Balrog.
	―jabba_teh_slut, Apr 2016
%
In 30 years, a song that hasn't been written yet will come on and make me
nostalgic about something that hasn't happened yet.
	―phridoo, Aug 2016
%
Phones should have a "Drive Mode" feature that will automatically respond to
messages with "I'm driving"
	―Haberschmack, Sep 2016
%
Hats off to the first guy in history to ever eat a crab, for he must have been
the hungriest person in existence... "Woah, look at that giant armored spider
of the sea, let's eat it!"
	―Missing_R_key, Sep 2014
%
In this solar system, all problems on Earth are third world problems.
	―koulnis, Mar 2015
%
I hope boat engines are measured in seahorse power
	―funkmessiah, Jun 2015
%
Weird Al Yankovic should release a serious song on April fools day
	―RiverwoodHero, Sep 2015
%
Starbucks should have a regular coffee line and a complicated ass order line
	―Pile_Of_Atoms, Mar 2016
%
Selfie could easily be a another word for masturbation.
	―GatmanBegins, Mar 2016
%
Since Boston and Philadelphia played the most influential roles in the
American revolution, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are the MA and PA of
American independence.
	―CKings, Jul 2016
%
A prison sentence is just a long time-out for adults.
	―dillon1868, May 2014
%
Most of reddit won't see this
	―necessaryevil13, Aug 2014
%
All the coins tossed into fountains should be donated to the Make-A-Wish
Foundation.
	―pinkandglitter, Sep 2014
%
Some day, there will be a space travel incident that is compared to the
sinking of the Titanic.
	―excited_by_typos, Mar 2015
%
They should make condoms that turn a certain color when you stick them into
some STDs
	―hrm0894, May 2015
%
Just completed a run and swim race, a "duathlon", and the whole time was
thinking: duathlon or do not athlon there is no triathlon.
	―spacemarine1, Aug 2015
%
There is no "i" in denial
	―drewmicks, Sep 2015
%
Dragons would think its cool that we create water in our mouths
	―oatsoup, Dec 2015
%
I wonder if dinosaurs sang like the huge primordial birds they were.
	―ElectricFlesh, Jan 2016
%
Nothing makes me sweat more than consciously acknowledging I forgot to put on
deodorant.
	―SuperSaiyanSandwich, Jul 2016
%
Let's say I'm in a bus full of people. If none of these were born by one
reason or another, would I be alone on that bus or would other people take
their place?
	―DFanatic, Jul 2014
%
Why do they call it, the 'roof' of your mouth. Since it is inside your mouth
shouldn't it be called the 'ceiling'?
	―krushingit, Oct 2014
%
Characters in the Star Wars universe are completely unaware of the amazing
soundtrack that accompanies the most important moments in their lives.
	―thomasbomm, Dec 2014
%
Liking a post before it hits the front page is like knowing someone before
they get famous.
	―tifff420, Jul 2015
%
Every sperm whale was once whale sperm.
	―luckymotherduck, Sep 2015
%
Phones should have a guest mode like computers you can switch to if someone
needs to use your phone.
	―Kinnakeet, Nov 2015
%
Once marijuana is federally legalized, we'll get to tell our grandkids we
survived the Weed Prohibition.
	―NotReallyJustin, Feb 2016
%
Dentists make money when people get cavities, if 9/10 dentists recommend a
certain toothbrush/toothpaste, shouldn't we be more suspicious?
	―KingJames1414, Oct 2016
%
Gotye is someone we used to know.
	―iamaredditman1, Nov 2013
%
The first person to buy Mentos and Diet Coke as a snack was probably really
surprised.
	―smbrickner, Oct 2014
%
I imagine people in North Korea have an amazing view of the night sky.
	―mmason3891, Jan 2015
%
Any sex in space, no matter how badly it goes, would still be "out of this
world."
	―thinwallryan, Apr 2015
%
I am no where near as scary as 10 year old me thought people my age are.
	―JMS230, Jun 2015
%
Me having a 'shitty ass fucking day' is much different than a porn star having
a 'shitty ass fucking day'
	―JustALuckyShot, Jul 2015
%
As a 14 year old girl the funniest part of Reddit is imagining you all think
I'm a grown man
	―trustmeimnotastalker, Jul 2016
%
I've seen dozens of change.org petitions but never heard of a single one
making any difference.
	―MrSquigles, Aug 2016
%
I see the Google logo everyday, but I don't know which letter is which color.
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
Star wars is the story of a sentient invisible energy field playing chess with
itself.
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
When I get an inbox notification, I wonder who I pissed off. When I don't get
any inbox notifications, I'm sad that Reddit is ignoring me.
	―solepsis, Mar 2016
%
Saturday the 14th is just as rare as Friday the 13th.
	―___AhPuch___, May 2016
%
If my drinking interferes with my work, then I'm an alcoholic, right? So am I
a workaholic because my work is getting in the way of my drinking?
	―Boseddit, Jun 2016
%
When I was a kid I was always told cats are scared of dogs, but I've only ever
seen dogs that are scared of cats.
	―SirSplodingSpud, Jul 2016
%
The current generation are having "love at first sight moments" on the
toilet. Thanks Tinder!
	―camg55, Aug 2016
%
The word "bumpy" is an onomatopoeia in Braille...
	―GhostLincoln, May 2014
%
If Japan had won WWII, we'd be learning in school about the Japanese freeing
people from the concentration camps in America.
	―MaleGoddess, Feb 2015
%
We should have an annual holiday where we turn off all the lights and look at
the night sky.
	―5hot6un, Oct 2015
%
After seeing social media posts from my religious friends and family over the
last few weeks, it's now very clear that I learned more about how to be a good
person from Superman and Spider-Man than they did from Jesus.
	―CapnSmite, Nov 2015
%
Never once in my life have I seen a pop-up add and thought, "I want to give
that company my money."
	―BillyBobJenkins222, Mar 2016
%
A cellphone camera's flash gets more use as a flashlight than as a camera
flash
	―subydoo, Jun 2016
%
I still can't believe the Seahawks didn't run the ball.
	―BenRoberto, Jul 2016
%
You have already seen some people for the last time
	―LMAO_USERNAMES, Feb 2014
%
A Big Gulp in a North Korean 7-11 should be called a "Supreme Litre."
	―theofavi, Mar 2015
%
People who tell you "don't tell me what to do" are hypocrites.
	―KusMaster, Apr 2015
%
For Anakin Skywalker's entire life he had to call someone a master right up
until he died
	―ImperiusII, Sep 2015
%
Before the camera was invented, nobody had ever really seen what they looked
like with their eyes closed.
	―TheLordofLlamas, Nov 2015
%
Valentine's Day tomorrow, everybody is gonna be waking up to cute paragraphs
& I'm gonna be waking up to "100% charged" and "update iCloud storage"
	―Lancewastaken, Feb 2016
%
If I could go back in time and tell my 5-year-old self that I ride elevators
every day and ~95% of the time get to push the buttons myself, he would think
that was the coolest thing ever
	―GameHat, Jul 2016
%
People often talk about the spike in divorce rates like its a bad thing, but
so many people used to stay in miserable or abusive relationships because it
wasn't socially acceptable/economically viable
	―blooaudio, Sep 2016
%
I've spanked my wife way more than her parent ever did.
	―ifurmothronlyknw, Sep 2016
%
When you put cheese on a burger, you are garnishing a dead cow with a product
of it's own breast milk.
	―username-rage, Aug 2013
%
I before E except after C is another theory disproved by Science.
	―[deleted], Jul 2014
%
I wonder how disappointed my penis and balls would be if they ever found out
that I have zero children after all the work they've done.
	―alldayerrdaym8, Aug 2015
%
What if WinRAR is just waiting to sue everyone who kept their trial for more
than 40 days?
	―MooseOnAcid, May 2016
%
If someone says "You love to argue" There is NOTHING you can do about it.
	―NobleSC3, Jun 2016
%
Why do fat guys have to deal with rejection but fat girls are meant to be
loved for who they are?
	―RaynerJ, Jul 2016
%
What if the only thing keeping us from entering mirrors is our own reflection?
	―[deleted], May 2013
%
D.A.R.E. led me to believe that there would be drug dealers on every corner
offering me free samples to get me hooked. They must have confused drug
dealers with Costco on Sunday.
	―HankSc0rp10, Aug 2015
%
I don't understand why some Christians promote abstinence as a form of birth
control when it didn't even work for Mary.
	―DirtyPineConeFeet, Oct 2015
%
I bet foreigners visiting the U.S. are wondering why we never use the top half
of our flag poles.
	―treflexasaurus, Jul 2016
%
Bathrooms should play loud music so nervous pooers don't need to worry about
being heard
	―Jump-man1994, Oct 2016
%
The reason they call it going to "the mall" is because instead of going to one
store you go to "them all".
	―allgrassstarter, Nov 2014
%
The "Summer of 69" song is going to kill it in 2069
	―Hiphoptimus, Feb 2015
%
In movies, someone fires a gun into the ceiling of a room to get everyone's
attention. The person then speaks like someone could actually hear them after
that.
	―probabilitydoughnut, Nov 2015
%
I wonder how often fired bullets hit flying insects.
	―TheKillersVanilla, Jul 2016
%
It's more accurate to say "deaths were postponed" than "lives were saved"
	―corleone21, Jul 2016
%
If you are subpar at golf, you are good at golf.
	―Amindele, Oct 2016
%
If dirty jokes are known as adult jokes, why are you called immature if you
laugh at them?
	―relativedimensions, Feb 2014
%
Both "k's" on the word "knock" are useless.
	―the_russell_lives, Jun 2014
%
Isn't the famous definition of 'insanity' the same as the definition of
'practice'? "Repeating something over and over expecting a different result".
	―jamiehall30, Apr 2015
%
Superman could hear his adopted parents having sex in incredible detail, every
time.
	―afkurzz, Aug 2015
%
Asking for someone's name is weird... Basically: "What noise should I make to
get your attention?"
	―cb526, Oct 2015
%
After playing Pokémon Go! for a month, I now sympathize with and understand my
dogs frustration with claiming the hydrant at the corner every time we walk.
	―tapdancinghotdog, Aug 2016
%
Neil Armstrong (Neil A) is "alien" spelt backwards.
	―aescnt, Feb 2014
%
If we were really in the Matrix, the Machines would never have let the movie
"The Matrix" be made.
	―Ferrarity, Apr 2014
%
If nuclear weapons didn't exist, we'd probably still have one devastating war
every generation.
	―ryandinho14, Aug 2015
%
Ten years ago, if a girl had told me she was going to get her "selfie stick"
I'd have thought things were about to get AWESOME.
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
tl:dr, is a tl:dr of 'too long, didn't read', because 'too long, didn't read'
is too long to read.
	―mjmilian, Dec 2015
%
49 Percent of the world is female yet i assume everything said on Reddit was
from a male
	―Not_Like_Devin, Aug 2016
%
I'm not a morning person, but my dick sure is
	―SolidArk, Aug 2016
%
Movie characters kill hundreds of henchmen but think they are too good to kill
the main bad guy.
	―masonsherer, Sep 2016
%
The world in "The Matrix" was a post apocalyptic hell hole. If the machines
had just asked nicely, I bet the vast majority of humanity would have happily
signed up for a virtual existence. Then, the ones left over could just live in
peace. Everyone wins.
	―Wobbles42, Oct 2016
%
If John McCain is a war failure for being captured, isn't Donald Trump a
business/leadership failure for filing bankruptcies?
	―CatchingRays, Jul 2015
%
We should start broadcasting Independence Day into space with "based on a true
story" at the beginning so aliens don't try any shit
	―penguin_mustard, Nov 2015
%
It would be satisfying to see Alex Trebek go on Jeopardy as a contestant and
just get absolutely smoked.
	―[deleted], Jan 2016
%
Whenever I start to feel like I'm different or unique I come on Reddit and
realize there are thousands of people just like me
	―Pm9000, Apr 2016
%
They say Taco Bell isn't real Mexican, but it does the job for half the
price...that's about as Mexican as it gets.
	―Loudsilences, Jul 2016
%
You never notice how curved the inside of your shoe is until you put it on the
wrong foot.
	―Wyatt1710, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if I've ever had an original thought?
	―Anstent, Sep 2016
%
A female peacock should be called a peacunt.
	―marlowned, Apr 2014
%
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I'm telling
mom”.
	―nest-ce-pas, May 2015
%
Every current football player for Atlanta was born after 1980. This makes them
the Millennial Falcons.
	―[deleted], Jun 2015
%
Every time I see a post about ISS astronauts, I "oh shit" as I think the
extremists have made it to space.
	―Iinthesky, Sep 2015
%
With all the porn I've watched in my life I wonder how many times I've watched
someone get an STD
	―wakir, Jul 2016
%
50% percent of Canada is the letter a
	―bearbreasts, Sep 2016
%
I wonder how many cavemen would've been geniuses if they were born in the
right time period
	―SporadicSheep, Oct 2016
%
All animals except humans have the right to be nude in public
	―nudistfrog, Jul 2014
%
1 billion seconds = 31.7 years. There are roughly 7 billion humans alive right
now. So every second that passes, about 222 years, or ~3 lifetimes worth of
human experience has just happened.
	―MrCardio, Jul 2014
%
We all say nice things about people after they kill themselves. We praise
their work and say how much we loved them. Perhaps if we did this more often
*before* they died, maybe they might not kill themselves... I love you Bill
Murray, and you Dan Aykroyd, and you, dear Redditor!
	―jimiffondu, Aug 2014
%
They should get rid of the "small, medium, large" sizes for things like fries
and soda, and instead use calorie content. "I'd like 1500 calories of fries, a
bacon cheese burger, and a liter of diet coke"
	―labracadabradorr, Jan 2015
%
A subplot of many 90s films was the "business dad" who wouldn't get off the
phone, resulting in a disappointed kid. Nowadays, these roles have reversed.
	―sirbaralot, Jan 2015
%
If you have an unattractive physical feature, don't get too bummed out about
it because somebody else in your lineage probably had it to, and they
obviously got laid.
	―no0neiv, Feb 2015
%
Old pirates kept everything for themself. Today's pirates share everything for
free.
	―idontknowdogs, Jun 2015
%
There should be a shop where they have a boob scanner that 3D prints the
perfect bra for you.
	―Awesome-o_O, Oct 2015
%
This time of the year is perfect for masturbating. If any of your loved ones
ask why your door is locked, you can just say you were wrapping gifts.
	―TalismanicMagick, Dec 2015
%
I'm going to feel so old when the porn-stars I masturbated to start dying.
	―LinearTipsOfficial, Feb 2016
%
We all walk around with 4K cameras in our pockets but every time there's a
terrorist attack the surveillance footage was filmed by a potato
	―nord88, Mar 2016
%
The best defense against someone video taping you is to blast a song from an
artist serious about copyright infringement.
	―EnsignN7, Apr 2016
%
I just procrastinated watching a TED talk on procrastination.
	―jackhyde90, Apr 2016
%
There should be a "PC Health Day", when everybody scans for viruses and
updates their drivers
	―syd_barretts_cat, Apr 2016
%
If God created humankind in his image, and to be rational and reasonable
thinkers, then he would expect us to question his existence, based on factual
evidence. Maybe the real test to get into heaven is not to believe in God.
	―Bryrn, Aug 2016
%
Marijuana isn't the gateway to heroin. It's a roadblock. I'm too happy, lazy,
broke, and hungry to wanna try hard drugs.
	―Grande_Latte_Enema, Sep 2016
%
Because of the large amounts of amateur porn on the internet, someone in the
future will unknowingly masturbate to a video of their own grandparents.
	―Pianoician, Jan 2015
%
"Hey man!" is a greeting. "Hey woman!" is likely the beginning of an argument.
	―[deleted], Apr 2015
%
Men get morning wood every morning, but "morning" depends on location..So
there has been a massive boner wave going around the earth each day for
thousands of years as men wake up every morning
	―BillCryTheSadGuy, Jun 2015
%
At some point in my life someone has probably seen me and thought "Well... at
least I'm not that guy"
	―breauxzzio, Jul 2015
%
So far, no one has come back in time to try and kill me, so I guess I turn out
alright...
	―jordan_defritos, Oct 2016
%
Barack Obama could be ejaculating right now
	―honeypuppy, Dec 2013
%
When you see responses to a deleted comment, it's a bit like when kenny
talks. Everyone else knows what he says, but your left to figure it out on
your own.
	―OwowowOwows, Aug 2014
%
I spent 4 minutes watching a video of dogs chasing their tails thinking how
easily amused they are, then I realized I spent 4 minutes watching dogs chase
their tail.
	―flipsideCREATIONS, Oct 2014
%
It must be difficult for someone named "Rob Banks" to open a checking account.
	―SearchingDeepSpace, Jun 2015
%
Since Half-life 2 was released I have joined the Army, fought in a war, left
the army for college, graduated with a masters degree and started a new
career, this point HL3 will be a lifetime away.
	―Kangaroo-, May 2016
%
We have automatic sliding doors everywhere except where they would be most
useful: bathroom entrances.
	―what_is_not_art, May 2016
%
If my dog left, no matter for now long, and I didn't know where he went, I
would be as happy to see him when he got back as he is to see me when I come
home.
	―evlbuxmbetty, May 2016
%
As a gamer, I look at someone's Steam game list instead of their Facebook
profile to see what type of person they really are
	―Tamale_y_Pepino, May 2016
%
In 7 years, when referring to the 'twenties,' we will have to specify the
1920s.
	―TheNestleCrunch, May 2013
%
Martin Shkreli was probably planning a price bump to $18 all along, he just
knew any price increase would be met with outrage. Bump the price to $750, get
a ton of free publicity, "drop the price" back down to $18, and convince
people the $5 price bump per pill is actually reasonable.
	―CallMeTheCommodore, Sep 2015
%
There should be a "pick a random episode" button on Netflix for the shows I've
watched a million times.
	―imhuuuuuungry, Nov 2015
%
A watch pronounces its own time of death.
	―silversaturn48, Jan 2016
%
If I killed myself, I'd get a huge balloon and tie a gun to it. I'd shoot
myself and the gun would float away and everyone would always wonder what
happened.
	―brock_lee, Feb 2016
%
I use the "Parents Guide" section on imdb to see if a film is suitable to
watch with my parents
	―acertainbr0mance, May 2016
%
I wonder if 90-year-olds are ever like "oh man, what was I thinking when I was
80? I have life way more figured out now"
	―PMME-YOUR-TITS-GIRL, Oct 2016
%
If you sleep through an earthquake, aren't you technically shaken, not
stirred?
	―HighwireAct, Aug 2014
%
Dating profiles should include preferred ambient temperature.
	―chris45215, Sep 2014
%
What if when we die, we get to relive our life in the memories that other
people have of us? So the quality of our afterlife is entirely based on being
part of other people's good memories.
	―crowe706, Mar 2015
%
If it was true that one's manhood was directly proportional to the size of
one's shoes, and inversely proportional to the size of one's car, then clowns
would be record holders.
	―Prezombie, Jun 2015
%
All words are made up
	―NoneApplicable, Mar 2016
%
Smashing garlic in order to peel it is probably something that was discovered
through tremendous frustration.
	―eezpz, May 2016
%
I will not rest until I find a cure for my insomnia
	―RicknMorty93, Jul 2016
%
When I vomit from a shot, my stomach is over-ruling my executive decision to
get drunk.
	―Bestwick, Oct 2013
%
Seeing girls look really good on social media is the same as seeing fast food
look really good on a comercial
	―PhilosophersStone1, Nov 2014
%
My hand has probably traveled over a mile just from wiping my ass alone.
	―Personacorona, Feb 2015
%
Most people drive to work every week with the exact same group of drivers, and
they don't even know who those people are.
	―Blackjack148, Feb 2015
%
If Mary was a virgin, that means her marriage to Joseph was never consummated,
meaning Jesus was born out of wedlock. Jesus was a bastard
	―UnholyDemigod, Apr 2015
%
If a fight video was uploaded to YouTube and was over 240p, not shaky, and not
filmed in portrait, I would think it was faked
	―BigJ76, May 2015
%
A coffee and smartphone today are just the cigarette and newspaper of 20 years
ago.
	―CoffeeGrrl, Jul 2015
%
Bagels are merely a vehicle to get cream cheese into my mouth
	―BoogerFarb, Nov 2015
%
When I see a middle aged person vaping, I assume they've made a healthy
decision and quit smoking. When I see young kid vaping, I assume they're a
douche bag.
	―dicktrickle4, Apr 2016
%
Every Shoe is Buy One Get One Free
	―RealJacktheJack, Jul 2016
%
Duck-Billed Platypuses lay eggs and lactate making them one of the very few
animals who can make their own custard.
	―cowboysted, Aug 2016
%
Take a photo with Michael Phelps and you'll have a good chance at getting gold
next Olympics
	―HarrySeverusPotter, Aug 2016
%
I've never seen a black couple with an adopted white child.
	―NostralDumass, Sep 2016
%
Plastic dinosaurs are made from oil... which is made from fossils of real
dinosaurs
	―DeviousLittleCupcake, May 2013
%
If you die a virgin, you would be the first person in your entire ancestry,
since the beginning of life itself, who did.
	―murfburffle, May 2014
%
The TSA would shit themselves if you brought a parachute as your carry-on
	―bandito5280, Aug 2014
%
You don't know your very own birth date until someone tells you.
	―Bollaa, Feb 2015
%
What if the reason for Google making self-driving cars is so that they can
drive through Detriot for google maps without getting killed
	―dragoninmyanus, Jul 2015
%
I'm really glad my dog can't talk, he knows too much.
	―Harrupm, Dec 2015
%
"You saved my life" should actually be said as "You postponed my death"
	―SassyPander, Dec 2015
%
Cannibals actually are what they eat
	―Underdog_hero9, Apr 2016
%
The fact that I can turn a knob in my house and have as much clean, fresh,
potable water come out as I want is literally amazing.
	―J1hubbs2H, Jun 2016
%
Wouldn't it make more sense to to swear on the Constitution, instead of the
bible, while in court?
	―_Bikini_Bandit_, Jun 2016
%
True Embarrassment lies within your first email address
	―UdtaPunjab, Jul 2016
%
I'm getting really excited for the final season of America!
	―FrigginMartin, Sep 2016
%
90% of the star wars commercials I see on TV are not even trailers for star
wars, just companies using star wars to sell their products
	―jakemallett, Nov 2015
%
As an American, I sometimes find it funny the way British people pronounce
things. Until I realize that they invented the language and I'm the one that
should be laughed at.
	―bababui22, Mar 2016
%
I'm an orphan who is single; every picture of me is a family portrait.
	―ace10brian, Mar 2016
%
I'd like to think that Jessie's girl grew up and gave birth to a girl named
Stacy.
	―Chadpbryant, May 2016
%
It's crazy how we pass our birthday every year and we know that on that day we
were born, but we also pass the day we will die every year and have no clue
	―nameuser14, Aug 2016
%
There should be a Blackfish like documentary for pugs and other exotic dogs
that struggle on a daily basis and are bred for our amusement.
	―dagp89, Oct 2016
%
/r/Beer has a side bar.
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
"Practice" seems like a terrible name for a health or legal establishment.
	―ilikeobjects, Jul 2015
%
When I was younger, I thought 21 year olds were so old and had their life
together. Now that I'm older, I think 21 year olds are just big children who
still are lost in life.
	―sarahdempsey1993, Sep 2015
%
The fact that there's a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a
lot about the expected traffic.
	―Gazanova, Mar 2016
%
I never understood straight men disliking gay men. Not only do they leave more
women for you, they take another dude out with them!
	―lipkowano, Jun 2016
%
I hope they make 2 more Thor films so I can say at the cinema 'four for Thor 4
at 4'
	―itskieran, Jul 2015
%
I haven't seen anyone complaining about the Starbucks cup. I've only seen
people complaining about people complaining about the Starbucks cup.
	―backseatcharles, Nov 2015
%
Zombie movies usually depict a universe in which zombie movies do not exist
	―sfacets, Jul 2016
%
For a drink that is Lemon and Lime flavored, Sprite isn't very sour.
	―IHeartPallets, Jul 2014
%
if you can't find your camouflage clothing, did you or did you not waste your
money?
	―pork-bunz, Aug 2015
%
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it
was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
	―TheButt69, Dec 2015
%
At first everything was Cool, then we were all Sick. Things started to get Hot
until mixtapes caught Fire. Now everything is Lit.
	―Ctrl--Alt, May 2016
%
Mobile keyboard space bars should have two parts - one part is if you want
autocorrect to correct you, and the other part is if you don't want
autocorrect to correct you
	―tansasciadam, Aug 2016
%
Sex shops should have self-checkouts like at the supermarket so it's not as
awkward
	―BlackPresident, Jul 2013
%
The larger you make something out of Legos, the higher the resolution.
	―yourname240, May 2014
%
if i asked "what is your favourite sub?" my grandfather would name a naval
vehicle, my mother would name a sandwich, and my friends would name a page of
reddit
	―burgerlover69, Nov 2014
%
One's own funeral could be the first time that people say how they feel about
you and you'll never hear it
	―drjonesenberg, Jun 2015
%
I wonder how many times I've been referred as "I once had a friend who..." or
"I once knew a guy that..."
	―theobserving, Aug 2015
%
I don't think I've ever met anyone whose favourite colour is brown
	―its_muri, May 2016
%
If the singular form of "mice" is "mouse", shouldn't the singular of "lice" be
"louse"?
	―lwhypc, Aug 2016
%
The i is the center of the word "hurricane".
	―jcc04, Sep 2016
%
Americans stereotype Mexicans as "lazy" while simultaneously complaining that
Mexicans are "stealing all of our [labor-intensive] jobs."
	―frazwood, Oct 2016
%
When saying "poop" your mouth moves just like your anus does while taking one.
	―MacuahuitI, Oct 2014
%
Parkour, only the French would create a martial art that was about running
away.
	―keeplayer109, Apr 2015
%
The only animals that seem to get fat are humans or other animals raised by
humans
	―[deleted], May 2015
%
I should name my cat "meow" so it could introduce itself
	―crazymoon, Jun 2015
%
The ultimate aim of charities is to no longer be required
	―BritishPenguin, Aug 2015
%
Kids with two homosexual fathers are immune to your mom jokes.
	―thetimujin, Aug 2015
%
Snowmobile engines should be rated in dogpower.
	―pokersjokers, Feb 2016
%
The reason Patrick is so clueless is because he lives under a rock.
	―themeepjedi, Mar 2016
%
Amazon really needs a "I have £20 to spend and no idea what I want, show me
cool things" button.
	―FearOfAllSums, Jul 2016
%
In 50 years, retirement homes will host LAN parties instead of bingo nights
	―BasedJedi, Dec 2013
%
I spend so much time alone if I was ever falsely accused for a crime I would
never have an alibi.
	―Sunshinelolliepops, Jul 2014
%
We would be broke if we stopped working.
	―TheDebauchedSloth, Sep 2014
%
Do Christians seriously believe that, when he returns, it will please Jesus
when he's instantly confronted with millions of crosses?
	―Seamus122, Sep 2014
%
Crossfit is like the opposite of fight club
	―F_is_for_ferns83, Jan 2015
%
The seven Harry Potter books are the seven horcruxes. JKR put some of her soul
into writing each one and she will live on forever through her writing.
	―AtomikRadio, Aug 2015
%
It's entirely possible that I am a former Men in Black agent.
	―willj5784, Nov 2015
%
I wonder how much HP I'd have if I had a health bar.
	―Gildish_Chambino, Jan 2016
%
If you died while driving a Tesla on auto pilot it would drive your dead body
around for all to see
	―slayez06, May 2016
%
Looking back on it, it's super weird that we as kids had to ask to use the
vvashroom in class and would sometimes get told not to, asked why we didn't go
at lunch, or got asked 'I don't know, CAN you?' - in hindsight that seems like
teachers just being dicks for fun
	―santaHax0r, Jun 2016
%
The guys version of "I shaved my legs for this" is "I washed my sheets for
this".
	―winklevos, Jul 2016
%
How did Americans go from rallying against the 1% to potentially nominating
the embodiment of the 1%?
	―peacefultoker420, Jul 2016
%
If I had a dollar for every thing millennials have been accused of killing,
I'd be able to afford living in the destroyed economy the boomers left for us.
	―kay_bizzle, Sep 2016
%
Time travel either has always existed, or it never will.
	―codydf, May 2016
%
On Reddit, your credibility is based upon the age of your account, not the age
of your person
	―anightatthehiphopera, Jun 2016
%
I have the power to move things with my mind, but only while I'm holding
them.
	―CormacWasTaken, Oct 2016
%
If you would mount garbage trucks with camera’s you could weekly update google
maps street view.
	―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016
%
If you sleep in the same bed every day, your daily displacement is
approximately zero
	―hatterkiller, Oct 2016
%
"Stop agreeing with me!" creates an instant paradox.
	―SergeantGrumbles, Aug 2013
%
Just by changing the shape of my mouth, I can use my breath to either cool
something off, or warm something up.
	―fistpunchman, Aug 2015
%
You are still "it" from a game of tag you played several years ago.
	―AREYOUFUCKING_SORRY, Sep 2015
%
They should make little sticks that sit behind your steering wheel to help
people communicate with others on the road when they want to make a turn or
merge into others lane.
	―flaminghotcheetos123, Aug 2016
%
Ive never seen a broken lego.
	―bkashooter, Oct 2016
%
We should all run 6 kilometres instead of 5 so we can find the cure for cancer
faster
	―Ganglebot, Jan 2015
%
Ever wonder how many strangers have thought you were attractive in passing
	―kevincrown1, Jul 2015
%
By illegally downloading music, I'm actually encouraging my favorite artists
to go on tour.
	―tenderloinman, Aug 2015
%
My mother is the only person on this earth that has ever had the option to
legally terminate my existence.
	―postymcpostpost, Feb 2016
%
If you own zero dollars you are more rich than 80% of The USA.
	―jobboyjob, Apr 2016
%
I should be reimbursed for the data ads use.
	―liberprim, Apr 2016
%
I'm British, but I watch so many American movies I'd probably end up dialling
911 instead of 999 in an emergency.
	―JoeFish2018, Aug 2016
%
If a female inmate is released at that time of the month, her sentence ends
with a period.
	―verandaguy, Feb 2014
%
Having a face only a mother could love is pretty cool when you toss MILFs into
the equation
	―atzikki, Nov 2014
%
Autocorrect probably thinks there's an epidemic of people who have trouble
spelling "duck".
	―acthrellis, Nov 2014
%
Drinks without alcohol are called 'virgin' because they never have anything
hard in them
	―GodlikeMadman, Nov 2014
%
Most of us don't like the buzzing sound that wasps and the like make, and even
react with fear. But imagine if those fuckers were silent...
	―Amopax, Jun 2015
%
If I fall asleep at a friends home, instead of covering me with a blanket I'd
be more impressed if they plugged my phone in to charge.
	―dcarvak, Jul 2016
%
Wallets are just pockets that we put in our pockets
	―dairyqueen814, Aug 2013
%
You had absolutely no say in the matter of your existence.
	―SNOGLO, Sep 2013
%
Car horns should all be tuned to one diatonic scale so that during traffic
jams it would make an amazing improvised concert of horns instead of the usual
cacophony.
	―Quitforchange, Jun 2014
%
Because of the rapid pace of innovation, the first people to leave our planet
to settle a distant solar system, might not be the first to arrive there
	―mmcgrath, Oct 2014
%
Sending a dick pick is literally junk mail
	―Mmmbeerisu, May 2015
%
If a serial killer was hunting me - he would become very pissed at my lack of
routine.
	―MichaelGaryScotch, Oct 2015
%
Does my dog realize he's gone deaf or does he just think everyone has stopped
talking to him.
	―tetraheezl, Mar 2016
%
Loading bars have been stuck on 99% way more than 1% of the time
	―DrRichardNygard, May 2016
%
Basically, all pets have Stockholm Syndrome. We keep them locked up until they
love us.
	―stevecrse, Sep 2016
%
On Mars, the Reddit mascot should be a human
	―Paasu, Oct 2016
%
A small child who draws a circle when asked to draw a star is probably either
somewhat delayed or very advanced.
	―who_fox, Feb 2015
%
Women live longer than men. Gay men live longer than straight men. Therefore
sucking dick is the fountain of youth.
	―Kidwithrocks, Jun 2015
%
Eminem should have been really impressed with Stan's rapping
	―Revolver25, Jul 2015
%
You put things in a folder to keep them from getting folded
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
Why aren't cereal bags zip-loc yet?
	―Not_your_pot_dealer, Jan 2016
%
If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood...
	―WhyUSoMadFor, Aug 2016
%
Pussies are biologically designed to receive regular poundings and stretch to
birth an entire miniature human; one kick to the testicles can destroy a
guy. Yet for some reason, we associate "pussy" with weakness and having
"balls" with strength.
	―sthornr, Oct 2016
%
We're all background characters in somebody else's story.
	―tsar_nicholas_III, Oct 2014
%
I am tied for the world record for the least amount of world records.
	―CrumBoleh, Dec 2014
%
The guy who discovered coffee is kinda responsible for every other discovery
too.
	―JeLoc, Jul 2015
%
The word "nun" is just the letter "n" doing a cartwheel.
	―[deleted], Aug 2015
%
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you then become a vacuum cleaner.
	―EnzohGorlami, Mar 2016
%
When you're a child, dirty jokes are considered adult. However, when you're an
adult, dirty jokes are considered juvenile/immature.
	―Rap3DBac0N, Apr 2016
%
If I made a sex tape, it could be a vine.
	―GolfIsWhyImBroke, May 2016
%
Steam should have a "Recommended for your shitty computer" section.
	―DamnDanielToHell, Jun 2016
%
If I was a drug dealer, every time someone would ask for coke I would say, "is
pepsi okay?"
	―Alaskan_bull_worm94, Jul 2016
%
Did they ever find out if it was Maybelline?
	―origiins, Nov 2013
%
If you die in your bedroom, you've passed through its door an odd number of
times; if you die outside of your bedroom, you've passed through that door an
even number of times.
	―enlightenment_being, Jan 2014
%
Homeless people are the ultimate proof that ignoring a problem doesn't make it
go away.
	―TouchedThePoop, May 2015
%
There's probably an IT guy at the Whitehouse that knows what the President
faps to.
	―NurseNerd, May 2015
%
If watching porn gives men unrealistic expectations from relationships, then
watching romantic comedies can do the same for women.
	―TonalDrump, Apr 2016
%
In the 1960s when I watched the Jetsons, I would not be surprised to hear that
someday I would carry a small videophone with me. But if you told me I would
hardly ever use it and instead would communicate by laboriously typing short
messages on a tiny keyboard, I would think you were crazy.
	―Dr_Ko, Apr 2016
%
Today i went To The toliet without my phone and there 112 tiles in the
bathroom
	―paechoul, Aug 2016
%
What if we aren't the FIRST Intelligent life forms in the Universe, but the
LAST.
	―Cynestrith, Sep 2016
%
The porn industry should be known as 'The Jizzness'
	―Heart_of_Dagless, Mar 2015
%
We should get a 3rd set of teeth at 35. We would take much better care of them
than our second set.
	―DoesNotTreadPolitely, Aug 2015
%
I've never been told when to do my taxes. Or how. Or why. Or even what taxes
are. But if I get it wrong, I go to jail.
	―Not_Acinonyx_Jubatus, Sep 2015
%
We invented plates to keep our food off the ground. Then, we invented tables
to keep our plates off the ground, which were invented to keep our food off
the ground. Then, we used tablecloths to keep our plates off our tables.
	―EvilDoctor130, Nov 2015
%
The two thing in my life that have the most to do with my health and
happiness, nutrition and personal finance, were only superficially touched on
in elementary school and then never addressed again throughout my education.
	―TheL0nePonderer, Apr 2016
%
Everytime someone on TV or a movie goes underwater, i hold my breath along
with them. I've died almost everytime, they've survived almost everytime. My
lungs must be shit.
	―chilejon, Jun 2016
%
The movie "It" should be remade every 23 to 27 years with the child cast from
the previous version starring as the adults in the new version
	―brennan69, Sep 2016
%
The inventors of Photoshop could've kept their product for themselves and had
the time of their lives.
	―asdg3434, Oct 2016
%
Falling asleep on the couch and waking up with a blanket is one of the best
feelings...unless you live alone
	―webman504, Oct 2016
%
What if a sloth has been chasing me around for the last 5 years but he just
can't catch up to me?
	―Jakeeeeeeeey, Apr 2014
%
"Good Will Hunting" could also be a name for a reality TV show about looking
for thrift store bargains.
	―eric0911, Jul 2014
%
People who decide not to have kids probably are the ones who should
	―Countlesshrs, Apr 2016
%
I avoid having to read an entire linked article by reading triple its length
in reddit comments.
	―YourPostTitleIsTrash, Jul 2016
%
I wish taco trucks worked like ice cream trucks. I'd run out every single time
I heard the mariachi music.
	―Frazaza, Oct 2016
%
Aren't humans just a virus infecting and killing our host (Earth)? And once we
colonize other planets, have we successfully gone airborne?
	―kkampy, Nov 2014
%
If light travels faster than sound, why can i hear my girlfriend bitching at
me before i can see what have i done wrong?
	―Sonzu, May 2016
%
They should permanently host the Olympics in Athens, so there will be no need
to build new venues and it will provide a boost to the Greek economy.
	―sjdr92, Jul 2016
%
Bear Grylls should reboot Man Vs. Wild with one twist, Gordon Ramsay
accompanies him and he cooks delicious food out of what Bear brings him.
	―EndsUpOnDoctorWho, May 2014
%
If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
	―Zegopher, Jul 2014
%
An employer probably wouldn't hire a person being investigated by the FBI, but
we will probably elect one.
	―DubistPoop, Apr 2016
%
I'm pretty sure Earth and humanity is some alien's science project that he got
an A on, and now we're just sitting in his room somewhere while he's at
college
	―hansoncane, Apr 2016
%
I'm not the only one who always thought the D in Disney was a backwards G for
the longest time right?
	―ItsJinvy, Aug 2016
%
Patriotism is a silly idea, everyone would be better off if they pledged their
allegiance to Earth.
	―ClavicusNitrus, Jul 2014
%
If objects attract all other objects in the universe, then no matter how small
the force, the turd I just dropped in the toilet is pulling Jennifer Lawrence
closer to me.
	―Qrrbrbirlbelz, Aug 2014
%
In Fight Club Brad Pitt's character makes fun of the fact that airplanes have
seat belts. 14 years later his character in World War Z is saved by a seat
belt in a plane crash
	―FuckYouItWasfunny, Nov 2014
%
Middle names starting with the letter 'V.' make it seem as if their first and
last names are constantly battling each other.
	―JakiiB, Jan 2015
%
You're all reading this from the future!
	―MoocowR, Jan 2015
%
If you win a one year's supply of calendars, you just get one calendar.
	―this_is_for_my_job, May 2015
%
Stairs are just low resolution slopes.
	―ForeverATaco, May 2015
%
A bunch of guys at the FBI look at child porn all day.
	―OnBehalfOfEverone, May 2015
%
Noah's ark was the first "bangbus"
	―pregabalin, Sep 2015
%
Today is the only day of the year that's a command. March 4th
	―superfly355, Mar 2016
%
My mother came out of a vagina, and her mother before her, and her mother
before her. Since I'm infertile, I'm the last link in an unbroken chain of
vaginas, stretching back millions of years across my species to the dawn of
interior fertilization. I am the point where all of that stops.
	―liimlsan, Jun 2016
%
One day someone is going to have to explain "Dick's out for Harambe" to the
child that fell into his enclosure.
	―DroopyDrewP, Aug 2016
%
Literally the only purpose for the cover of a book is so you can judge the
book.
	―Dreamlite, Sep 2016
%
Thanksgiving is like the grand feast for people who are going into the battle
of sales on Black Friday.
	―illCuddleYouSoHard, Nov 2014
%
They should grow plants in gyms since there is more CO2 & humidity from
people exhaling/sweating during exercise which, in turn, helps plants produce
more oxygen for those same people which, in turn, helps them increase oxygen
blood flow, improving exercise efficiency.
	―aprendiendo, Mar 2015
%
If Bill Nye the Science Guy is ever replaced by a robot, it should be named
Eugene the Science Machine
	―ReallyAngryPotato, Jul 2015
%
I've killed as many people as the strongest hurricane ever recorded.
	―TheGloob, Oct 2015
%
Before I die, I should chug popcorn kernels before getting cremated
	―ViperSRT3g, Nov 2015
%
If my future husband is as introverted as me, I'll never meet him.
	―morthrow, Nov 2015
%
There should be a "one coffee only" line at Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts.
	―rambotoad, Jan 2016
%
The new American Dream is having a positive net worth.
	―velaxtrum, Feb 2016
%
Porn movies should have a "bloopers" part at the end showing how many times
the guy accidentally came before a scene ended.
	―PM_ME_STEAMGAMES_PLS, Jun 2016
%
Just once I want a time travel franchise to release the sequel first.
	―polio23, Jul 2016
%
Good guy Elon Musk - Finds out that Facebook is spying on everyone - Destroys
their $200 million dollar spy satellite by blowing up his own rocket.
	―RiXZ, Sep 2016
%
The royal baby should be crowning soon.
	―r3dd_dwarf, Jul 2013
%
Did Trix cereal really change shape to circles, or are they still shaped like
fruit and I can't see them anymore because Trix are for kids?
	―I-said-boo-urns, Jun 2014
%
Stephen Hawkings AMA tomorrow should have a 'Play' button on all his responses
so the computer can read them out in his voice.
	―Ascii_Kidd, Jul 2015
%
I really feel like FarmersOnly.com would have been much more effective if they
named it efarmony instead
	―Toppen1, Jul 2015
%
Shouldn't the Air and Space museum be empty?
	―[deleted], Aug 2015
%
I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me.
	―Fuzzy_lover_43, Aug 2015
%
The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand, we listen
to reply.
	―-batwoman, Sep 2015
%
If McDonalds is serving breakfast all day, they should take a Spicy McChicken
patty and put it on a McGriddle Bun and call it the McChicken N' Waffle
	―weighingthedog, Oct 2015
%
No caterpillar has ever died of old age
	―potatoteam, Oct 2015
%
In the bible, Noah told people when it would rain. Nowadays, NOAA tells people
when it will rain.
	―yummypi, Oct 2015
%
The app is called Tinder because you get matches.
	―KBouch47, Dec 2015
%
I exaggerate more than anyone in the world.
	―tophcity31, May 2016
%
the older i get, the less i use cereal as an item for breakfast and the more i
use it for a dessert.
	―Cp5k, Jun 2016
%
Cyclopes can't watch movies in 3D
	―jketeli, Aug 2013
%
Going private is the funniest thing I've seen out of /r/funny in ages.
	―Marpl, Jul 2015
%
Imagine how many alarm clocks go off at the same time every morning
	―Raw0974, Jul 2015
%
I have never put a suit in a suitcase
	―_Wildcard_96, Sep 2015
%
I went to the bathroom right before midnight and finished right after
midnight. Same shit, different day.
	―sykurbjorn, Oct 2015
%
If the only certainties in life are death and taxes, the most secure job in
the world is an accountant at a funeral home.
	―plfa, Jan 2016
%
My mom doesn't know it but she likes me way better when i'm high.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
Too often I close an interesting thread because I wasn't satisfied with the
top comment.
	―Erolone, Jul 2016
%
Missouri's state motto should be "Missouri loves company.".
	―Inconspicuous-_-, Aug 2016
%
People are born naked but buried in fancy suits
	―agentchaos1996, Aug 2016
%
Nothing in the real world is straight. Nothing in the digital word is curved.
	―scrupulousness, Sep 2016
%
If someone in the same house as you is being quiet during sex for your sake,
that means that they are thinking of you during sex.
	―TheSwiftBrownFox, Jun 2014
%
Give someone a penny for their thoughts. Take their two cents. Repeat. Profit.
	―RamsesThePigeon, Jun 2014
%
In 2019, 30 years after its first release, Billy Joel should re-release "We
Didn't Start the Fire" with another verse filled with all the shit that's
happened since.
	―ImaGaySeaOtter, Mar 2015
%
When you buy something from a blacksmith, whoever smelt it dealt it.
	―WilsonHanks, Apr 2015
%
I wonder if penguins taste more like poultry or more like fish.
	―TheG-What, Apr 2015
%
Being born is a death sentence
	―HanumanKingBar, Jun 2015
%
I can't watch The Walking Dead because I can't suspend disbelief in a zombie
apocalypse where nobody ever says the word "fuck"
	―airbagsavedme, Nov 2015
%
Had he not been healed, Frodo would have made the dorkiest ringwraith in the
history of Middle earth.
	―leila_k, Mar 2016
%
I wouldn't be okay with wiping shit off of any other part of my body with just
a few sheets of dry TP.
	―SurpriseNinja, Apr 2016
%
Being gilded by someone in /r/Frugal seems like it's more of an accomplishment
than usual.
	―Chambadon, Jan 2015
%
How much good porn have I missed because the thumbnail didn't interest me.
	―SenseiPoru, Jun 2015
%
For April Fool's Day a radio station should play nothing but Weird Al songs
but act like they're the original versions.
	―IIGe0II, Feb 2016
%
Dogs lick us because we have bones inside.
	―Undust4able, Apr 2016
%
Saying you identify with the opposite gender, means you hold stereotypes about
the opposite gender.
	―OneManNinjaClan, May 2016
%
If there's one thing all nations agree on, it's having a flag.
	―FNA25, Aug 2016
%
I don't think I've ever seen an uncircumcised penis drawn on a bathroom stall
	―4underscore____, Aug 2016
%
I hate it when anyone looks at my computer screen without me asking them to,
regardless of what's on it.
	―MycoChemist, Oct 2016
%
Books should be numbered downward instead of upwards, so you would know how
many pages were left.
	―HenryTandey, Oct 2016
%
What if when we die, we instantly become a baby being born, but we temporarily
maintain the memory of dying, and that's why babies are born crying?
	―gpace1216, Oct 2014
%
Every time I pop bubble wrap, I'm releasing imprisoned Chinese factory air
that otherwise had a life sentence for just being in the wrong place at the
wrong time.
	―Grammajew, Jan 2015
%
I haven't swam competitively since I was a sperm.
	―FourWordReplies, Aug 2016
%
A machine that builds ATMs would be called an "ATM Machine"...
	―Shock_Hazzard, Jan 2014
%
Preventing childhood obesity is as easy as taking candy from a baby
	―Lotr29, Apr 2014
%
Humanity’s fear of aliens boils down to fearing that aliens will treat
humanity like humanity treats the world.
	―Greatpatient, Nov 2014
%
You can't turn the ability to read off. You can't look at words without
automatically and instantly comprehending them. Your brain has taken a
human-made thing and made it instinct.
	―lilallen13, Dec 2014
%
To an illiterate person, alphabet soup, is just weird noodles.
	―DocYoshi, Jan 2015
%
The police will have trouble gaining revenue once weed is legalized and there
are only self driving cars on the road
	―DPX106, Jul 2015
%
Viagra's slogan should be "No more fucking problems"
	―Katberga, Aug 2015
%
Growing up, I used to look forward to a 3 month break. As an adult, I get a 4
day weekend and it's the highlight of my year.
	―Astrocomet25, Sep 2015
%
After all the new Star Wars movies come out, Star Wars will be a trilogy of
trilogies.
	―ganondorf_the_grey, Nov 2015
%
People who live in glass houses shouldn't.
	―fireforfear, Dec 2015
%
Always bring the banana to your mouth, never bring your mouth to the banana.
	―johnson2johnson, Dec 2015
%
Figuratively, if someone is "killing it," "slaying it," or "murdering it" then
they are doing a great job. But if they are "butchering it" they are doing a
horrible job. These phrases have opposite connotations in real life.
	―makes_the_sandwich, Dec 2015
%
In a game of golf, the goal is to play as little golf as possible.
	―neren, Jul 2014
%
Every gym should have a Beginner's Room, so out-of-shape people can work out
without feeling like they're being judged.
	―Whoopsht, Oct 2014
%
Everytime I kill a spider, I am improving their genetic genepool by getting
rid of the weak ones, thus innocently creating the ultimate spider.
	―rushn006, Nov 2014
%
Do you think Benedict Cumberbatch's friends ever say "No Shit Sherlock" if he
states something obvious
	―fatman40000, Dec 2014
%
In a few hours, 120,000,000 people will get drunk while watching men play with
each other.
	―sam_T_man, Feb 2015
%
I would love to open a german bakery and call it Gluten Morgen.
	―SpaceyInvasion, Feb 2015
%
The Little Mermaid is the story of a teen girl who wants elective cosmetic
surgery, because she thinks it will help her fit into a more desirable class.
	―OChefsky, May 2015
%
A broken clock has the correct time twice a day, but it's possible for a
working clock to never have the correct time.
	―baisketball, May 2015
%
I wonder if Magic Johnson regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a
basketball career
	―BookerGinger, Jun 2015
%
This shitstorm started when the button ended... The button was the countdown
to reddits death
	―Im_The_Real_Batman, Jul 2015
%
An Egg McMuffin is a younger version of the McChicken.
	―potatodavid, Feb 2016
%
I'm going to blow my kids' mind when I tell him I'm older than the internet.
	―rockstang, May 2016
%
Black metal is probably the whitest genre of music on earth.
	―Alaskan_bull_worm94, Jun 2016
%
Going on a Welsh journey to
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is something that
is easier done than said.
	―CaptainAsshat, Jun 2016
%
If nobody in the world was willing to join their respective country's
military, nobody would need to.
	―hermoglobin, Jun 2014
%
You have to hand it to Liquid-Plumr: They make a product you buy, take home,
literally pour directly down the drain, and then you go back to buy more.
	―TheAbsoluteLastWord, Sep 2014
%
If you spell 'boobytrap' backwards, it spells 'partyboob'
	―antsofretribution, Sep 2014
%
I must live 16 hours from the most interesting people on earth, because every
time I want to post a reply to an interest thread it is 16 hours old and my
comments never get seen.
	―ecnarongi, Jan 2015
%
It bothers me that 12AM comes before 11AM
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
Nobody ever says, "You win some, you lose some" when something good happens.
	―FunkatronicLightning, Apr 2015
%
Leonardo Da Vinci would shit his pants if he saw a printer replicate his
masterpiece the Mona Lisa in 1 minute.
	―xxmindtrickxx, May 2015
%
H20 is a chemical. Water guns are chemical weapons.
	―GunLister, May 2015
%
I am really proud of the soft drink industry for agreeing on a standard cap
size for bottles.
	―ollierwoodman, Jul 2016
%
You're more likely to be found unattractive for being insecure about your
appearance than whatever makes you feel insecure about your appearance.
	―DerekS428, Aug 2016
%
The Taco Bell in Philadelphia should have a crack on its sign.
	―missing_an_eyebrow, Jul 2014
%
Spiciness is the only flavor your anus can taste.
	―sinclairbay, Apr 2015
%
Out of all the sodas I've ever mixed as a kid, I've never had Pepsi and Coke
mixed together.
	―MrEtherBunny, Aug 2016
%
I only ever wear my black suit to funerals. I own clothes that hang in my
closet, waiting for someone to die.
	―aBuddhistProdigy, Sep 2016
%
It's completely normal to refer to pets as "boy" or "girl", but not to call
them "man" or "woman".
	―Patjay, Apr 2014
%
Since our phones have essentially become pocketwatches, we should have the
chain too. Then we won't drop them on the ground.
	―ATpanguin, Oct 2014
%
Your handwriting is like the accent of your hands.
	―What-the-curtains, Jun 2015
%
What if black holes are just areas we haven't unlocked yet?
	―Fodux, Jul 2015
%
Yelp is suing South Park for $10M because of their recent episode, meaning
they're essentially getting upset at them over a bad review.
	―atomly, Oct 2015
%
When Superman is poisoned with kryptonite, he is literally homesick.
	―brimston3-, Nov 2015
%
My wife has figured out if she cooks dinner she doesn't have to do
dishes. I've figured out that if I do dishes I don't have to cook.
	―thundercock88, Mar 2016
%
I browse Reddit on my phone while on the toilet for shits and giggles.
	―Jacbalson, Apr 2016
%
If Firefly had aired in 2015 instead of 2002, it would probably have just
moved to Netflix when it was cancelled.
	―anschelsc, May 2016
%
I can't be the only one who says "no it won't" out loud and hit the back
button when a YouTube video says "your video will play after this ad."
	―whatshisuserface, Sep 2016
%
Imagine if "ping pong" was "pong ping"
	―br1dgefour, Sep 2016
%
Using glasses after 18 years of not knowing you needed them is like getting a
next generation graphics boost. I knew stuff had texture, but I didn't realize
it was so detailed.
	―IMCHAPIN, Oct 2016
%
Everyone dies within six months of their birthday...
	―CurvyGyrl, Dec 2013
%
Your neck is really just a head wrist.
	―Studunne, Apr 2014
%
Kids with unique names who were sad they couldn't find personalized souvenirs
are now reaping the benefits in available usernames and email addresses.
	―MachineGunCaveman, Aug 2015
%
Wind conditions at my desk have never necessitated a paper weight
	―wilhelmAHHH, Sep 2015
%
Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told
to calm down.
	―DeathBlowChunnel, Jan 2016
%
The Lottery is essentially crowd funding for a random person to become a
multi-millionaire.
	―Eagle115, Jan 2016
%
A school shooting is a horrible way to describe yearbook picture day.
	―g____19, Mar 2016
%
I can download a 1GB file from the other side of the world faster than I can
transfer it to my USB stick.
	―itsnotfun_dontdoit, Mar 2016
%
I am less concerned about what homeless people do with my spare money than
what most major banks would do with the same money.
	―torrid_example, May 2016
%
Reddit makes me like people I've never met and Facebook makes me hate almost
everyone i know.
	―Luke2150, Sep 2016
%
My birthday isn't 3 months before my father's birthday...it's 9 months AFTER!
	―gmsc, Aug 2013
%
Moe from The Simpsons is always threatening to kill Bart. Moe is a
bartender. A Bart-ender.
	―luciferhelidon, Apr 2015
%
Perception of the Bible or Koran is a mirror of one's own mind. It will tell a
good person to do good, an insane person to kill and an ignorant person to
discriminate.
	―YOUEFFOHH, Jun 2016
%
A blanket that gets cold at a certain time would work better than any alarm in
waking me up and getting me out of bed
	―aadharsh_2, Oct 2016
%
Gravity is more relevant to the plot of Interstellar than to plot of the movie
that is actually named "Gravity."
	―Croutons957, Jun 2015
%
911 should be able to accept text messages so you can hide in a closet and not
talk on the phone.
	―wamceachern, Sep 2015
%
If Danny DeVito put on a mask and robbed a bank, everybody would know it was
Danny DeVito.
	―Chazdanger, Mar 2016
%
"Google" is probably one of the most searched terms on Bing.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
I feel bad for Eminem's ex-girlfriend Kim because the world only ever hears
his very angry side of the story.
	―[deleted], Oct 2013
%
Morticians should tie dead peoples shoelaces together incase there is ever a
zombie apocalypse.
	―HarryWHU, Aug 2014
%
If Bill Gates gave me 40 billion dollars, he would still be richer than me.
	―I-think-Im-funny, Jan 2015
%
"My broom is collecting dust" is a perfectly ambiguous statement.
	―lousypanda, Aug 2015
%
All the Digimons end with -mon because they are computer programs, and ".mon"
is their extension for monster.
	―SubotaiKhan, Nov 2015
%
Most of the elderly folk I come across smile a lot and are generally
cheerful. I wonder if that's because old age brings happiness, or because the
miserable ones died off sooner.
	―pitbullcross, Dec 2015
%
I wonder how many of those "jerks" who don't return their shopping cart in the
parking lot are single parents who have to strap their baby in before loading
the groceries in their trunk and don't want to leave their baby alone in the
car to return a cart.
	―Thinkofacard, Jun 2016
%
I hate when people ask me to "watch their stuff", like what if someone
actually comes and tries to steal it? Do I have to fight them? I'm not ready.
	―stauffenburg, Mar 2015
%
"Let me speak to your manager" is the adult version of "I'm telling mum"
	―Hairy_Cheeks, Apr 2016
%
I trust Google's search result algorithm relevancy so much that if what I'm
looking for in a search result doesn't appear I assume it doesn't exist.
	―firefightersquirrel, Jun 2016
%
The IRL version of lurking on Reddit is that guy at a party who stands just
outside a conversation circle just to listen and occasionally chuckle.
	―bobberforshamu, Jul 2016
%
I'm very punk rock when I charge my laptop, phone, and headphones. I always
use the same three power cords.
	―titaniumgroceries, Aug 2016
%
If we can't show female nipples, why don't we photoshop male nipples onto the
female ones?
	―CommunistCate, Sep 2016
%
People who say they can't cook are basically confessing that they can't follow
instructions.
	―frecklesandgegs, Mar 2013
%
The best way to kill a superhero is to give the rights to Fox.
	―mumblybee, Aug 2015
%
A polo referee should ride a zebra
	―minnesotan_youbetcha, Sep 2015
%
If I was a woman, I'd be a seasonal stripper named Pumpkin Spice just to get
money for Christmas Shopping.
	―skypry, Oct 2015
%
Why on earth are cereal bags not ziploc yet?
	―saraboulos, Dec 2015
%
It would be pretty neat if my Samsung keyboard didn't learn new words while my
browser was in incognito mode.
	―ThatIneptGuy, Jan 2016
%
Seven has the word 'even' in it. Which is odd.
	―BookerGinger, Apr 2016
%
As kids, we're told talking to yourself is crazy. As an adult, talking to
myself is one of the few things that keeps me sane.
	―psycholepzy, Oct 2016
%
After 2015, no part of any of the Back to the Future movies will actually take
place in the Future
	―[deleted], Dec 2014
%
Secretly get everyone on Reddit to collaborate and post fake content for 24
hours and evilly laugh as Buzzfeed, CNN, Fox, and every morning radio show lie
to the public by ignorantly recycling our fake stuff.
	―jsally17, Jul 2015
%
Did paper planes exist before real ones? What were they called?
	―lunaroyster, Sep 2015
%
Everyone who knows what TIL stands for once had a day when their TIL was what
TIL means.
	―Mufasa_sucasa, Sep 2015
%
You can tell a lot about a history teacher based on when they use 'we' vs
'they' in a lecture.
	―shirshine, Nov 2015
%
As a kid, this time of year always filled my wallet. As an adult, the opposite
has become true.
	―BRUISE_WILLIS, Dec 2015
%
We don't give the people who browse the New section enough credit for finding
us all of the good posts.
	―JubilifeRival, Jan 2016
%
What if I'm always being recorded for a 24-hour reality TV-show, just like the
Truman show, and that one episode where I watched "The Truman Show" was
absolutely one of my funniest episodes to my audience?
	―rolfraikou, Mar 2016
%
Being poor is really fucking expensive.
	―acrowsmurder, Apr 2016
%
If everyone gets sent to prison for illegally downloading music one day, I
hope they at least separate us all by genre.
	―Loudsilences, Apr 2016
%
How I Met Your Mother was the world's longest TED Talk.
	―mostafa_hanafi, Jul 2016
%
/r/Showerthoughts is now a default subreddit! (please read)
	―drumcowski, May 2014
%
If prostitutes charged by the minute, then I would be able to afford their
services.
	―honey_doo, Jan 2015
%
When stores hand you a 'money off your next purchase' voucher once you've
paid, we should all start passing them on to the people waiting in line behind
us.
	―Billogi, Feb 2015
%
You overlook something you're supposed to see, but you overhear something
you're not supposed to hear.
	―famouscomposer, Mar 2015
%
Fish that are caught and released probably sound like insane conspiracy
theorists to the other fish.
	―rburp, Mar 2015
%
If you carved a dick in a dead man's arm bone, it would be a humorous
posthumous humerus wound.
	―CreedDidNothingWrong, Apr 2015
%
People on the Internet are presumed male until proven otherwise.
	―Bubbleny, Jul 2015
%
What if M. Night Shyamalan's career is intentionally bad and he intends to
turn it all around with good movies five years from now as the twist?
	―Ouijynn, Oct 2015
%
Somewhere in the world there is a baby stronger than all other babies.
	―Citruspassion, Nov 2015
%
When I was young I thought that quicksand and carnivorous plants would affect
my life a lot more than it has
	―Improved-Liar, Jan 2016
%
The elderly often complain about how lazy the young generation is, but the
entire course of human history was spent trying to make life easy…
	―WalterMatthew262, Sep 2016
%
I wonder if the girls on 16 and pregnant will come back on a show called 32
and a grandma.
	―Baldinosaur, Jan 2015
%
Why don't we send all of the unwanted pets to prisons to be cared for by the
more responsible inmates? That way the animals get a home and the inmates
learn more about responsibility for something other than themselves.
	―jint3i, Aug 2015
%
I'm more amazed by the way a needle plays a vinyl record then by the way
lasers read cds
	―r_roman, Apr 2016
%
The unspoken heroes of Reddit Karma are those who filter their subreddits by
"New" instead of "hot".
	―nopoonintended, Jun 2016
%
All of those "This is a Buick!?" commercials are basically them acknowledging
that people see them as a manufacturer of shitty cars.
	―CzerwonyMan, Aug 2016
%
I only ever feed my kids dark chocolate. They think chocolate is gross and
they never ask for it.
	―MortyDazzler, Aug 2016
%
After watching so many Television shows, I don't think a movie is anywhere
near long enough anymore to develop characters or a story.
	―nnavari, Sep 2016
%
I really feel like I'm doing toilet paper a favor when I use it to blow my
nose.
	―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016
%
It should be illegal to play sirens over the radio.
	―blorgalorp, Oct 2016
%
Amazon is trying to subliminally convince us to burn down the rainforest, with
product names like "Amazon Kindle" and "Amazon Fire”
	―bge, Jun 2014
%
Huddle is a more manly word for cuddle
	―lakswimmer33, Nov 2014
%
There should be a "meh" voting option on reddit, just an arrow pointing left
or right, so that you can identify unread posts faster while scrolling.
	―fiberkanin, May 2015
%
Machines are getting better at Captchas as they get harder. Humans are
not. Eventually Captcha will be used to prove you are a machine.
	―Pseudoabdul, Oct 2015
%
I wish i could just like a text so i didn't have to respond
	―sparcs89, Jan 2016
%
Kanye is actually in love with T-Swift, but since he has the mental capacity
of a 3rd grader, putting her down is the only way he knows how to express it.
	―DevilsAdvocate1217, Feb 2016
%
Why is suicide selfish, but expecting someone to go on with their unwanted
life so nobody has to deal with the "loss" isn't?
	―ChanceTheFapper1, Sep 2016
%
When I was a kid, I didn't realize how many adults were just trying to "act
like adults"
	―Nowyouknowmyusername, Oct 2016
%
Imagine a white guy born and raised in China and given few opportunities to
learn English. If he moved to the U.S. and tried to communicate with people,
they would bash him for being an unfunny racist, to no fault of his own.
	―probablynotdude, Jul 2014
%
One day, I will be as bad with technology as my parents are and that terrifies
me.
	―CommieOfLove, Dec 2014
%
There is one day every year, where we unknowingly pass the anniversary of the
day the Dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid.
	―mohaircashmere, Dec 2014
%
A hundred years ago, poor people had horses and rich people had cars. Now it's
the other way around
	―nmi987, Jan 2015
%
Surgeons who perform sex change operations should be known as Trans-formers
	―chrismonx, Jun 2015
%
I wonder how many anti-vaxxers gave their dogs a rabies shot.
	―whateverimbored, Jul 2015
%
There should be an incognito mode on Netflix, for the times when you're
drunk/high and don't want to fuck up your recommendations by watching Paul
Blart: Mall Cop 2
	―unclepedo, Jan 2016
%
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.
	―247NoSleep, Feb 2016
%
Google should tell you if you're the first person to ever Google something
	―Ouz, Mar 2016
%
Life is the worst videogame ever. Literally everything is DLC. It's
pay2win. The devs never update, balance, or fix bugs. There is no reward
system, direction, or end-goal. And on top of everything it's permadeath.
	―WhenIDecide, May 2016
%
Taco Bell should give customers an extra tortilla so they can make a burrito
out of all the stuff that spilled out of the other burritos they ate.
	―donttouchmybuttz, Sep 2016
%
This sub is gonna become much more active once waterproof phones become the
standard.
	―Mr_Fabulou5, Oct 2016
%
You wouldn't name your kid "Jew," so why would you name him "Christian?"
	―AnalLove1, Sep 2014
%
Eminem should make a sequel to 8 mile depicting his struggle with fame and
drug use and rise, fall, and return in popularity.
	―carcar134134, Feb 2015
%
I wonder how many times I've avoided death by deciding not to go out
somewhere.
	―WindowlessParadise, Mar 2015
%
Wouldn't it be great if 20 years from now someone rolls a 5 and Robin Williams
comes back to us?
	―jstohler, May 2015
%
If you order DiGiorno Pizza on Amazon, it IS delivery.
	―OrcsAndPuzzles, Jul 2015
%
Wireless mice should be called hamsters
	―greentrafficcone, Aug 2015
%
It's funny how some biblical names caught on and not others. Plenty of
Daniels, Davids, and Johns, but not so many Jehoshaphats, Zerubbabels, and
Zadoks.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
I wonder if cigarette sales plummet right after new years eve, because of all
the people that are "quitting". And then it gradualy rise again.
	―wosnitza, Dec 2015
%
What if North Korea is totally chill but have a crazy militant English
translator who is messing it up for everyone?
	―bacontimbit, Jan 2016
%
It always seems gross when I touch someone's wet hand when they come from the
bathroom, but I should probably be more concerned if it's dry.
	―DisIshSucks, Jul 2016
%
I love how literal the word "fireplace" is.
	―Dalemaunder, Jul 2016
%
When we were kids, dick jokes were considered adult content, but when we are
adult now, they're considered immature.
	―babydoom1, Aug 2016
%
If a God does not exist, religions are the largest and craziest fandoms.
	―Tittsburgh, Sep 2016
%
Because of internet porn, I've probably seen more naked women than three
generations of my ancestors combined.
	―midnite_trane, Oct 2016
%
If Jews supposedly control the media, why can't we have any good Chanukah
movies?
	―ouchingtiger400, Dec 2014
%
Not even considering the mechanics behind it, the person who designed the
watch face is a genuis. It measure 3 units of time on the same display. It's
so effective that we often take the numbers off of it and can tell the time
based on the positions of the hands alone.
	―CaliberHB, May 2015
%
My cat has to sniff your hand so he knows who you are before he lets you pet
him. I have to log in to my cat.
	―FVmike, Aug 2015
%
"What doesn't kill you makes you smaller" - Mario
	―howtorakeleaves, Sep 2015
%
I wonder what would happen if you only let kids watch strictly black and white
films from the 50's for the first ten years of their life, and then on their
10th birthday showed them Avatar in 3D.
	―os-406, Dec 2015
%
Pizza is eaten from the inside out.
	―ischultz876, Jul 2016
%
My butthole is entirely too close to my vagina.
	―fartkeeper, Jul 2013
%
The word 'fuck' insults Louis C.K. when spelt out.
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
Early humans must've flipped the hell out when they saw the moon turn red,
then disappear.
	―tsloan92, Sep 2015
%
The best stalkers are the ones you don't even know you have.
	―[deleted], Oct 2015
%
Losing a friend named Molly at a rave would be the most frustrating thing ever
	―Roque_au_Fabii, Jan 2016
%
When a tree is up, I cut it down. When it's down, I cut it up.
	―scribbleheli, May 2016
%
In 1968, civil unrest fueled the media. In 2016, the media fuels the civil
unrest.
	―digitalwolverine, Jul 2016
%
Unless you do your laundry naked, your laundry will never be truly all done.
	―snankiss, Aug 2016
%
It's pretty close to the 2020s and I still think of the 90's as a few years
ago
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
The old me is actually the young me.
	―[deleted], Jul 2013
%
Salt shakers don't shake the salt. I shake the salt.
	―CertifiedPuppyRapist, Aug 2014
%
Unprotected sex is like taking case off your phone. It feels great but you
know you'll probably fuck up and have to pay a lot of money
	―mslvr40, Sep 2014
%
Americans use the Metric system when buying drugs because asking for a
teaspoon of heroin is just embarrassing.
	―SpookyGeek, Sep 2015
%
In a way, Charlie Sheen has gone viral.
	―54cisco54, Nov 2015
%
The default setting on IMDb should hide the cast members' number of episodes
in order to avoid spoilers.
	―mr-graan, Dec 2015
%
The more funerals you go to, the less people will probably show up at yours.
	―baubeauftragter, Mar 2016
%
I would rather work 10 hours day Mon-Thurs and get three day weekends
	―Joey2Tymes, Mar 2016
%
No matter where you cut a snake, it will always be decapitated.
	―one_white_russian, Apr 2016
%
Reckless driving means you're a bad driver. Meanwhile wreckless driving means
you're a great driver.
	―haloshade, May 2016
%
If [deleted] were actually a user, he would have the lowest comment karma on
all of Reddit
	―AppleBetas, Jun 2016
%
Only half of escalators escalate
	―kazaam84, Aug 2016
%
The most common lie I tell my girlfriend is that the spider she briefly saw
'wasn't that big' and I 'definitely got it'.
	―JackBrightside, Sep 2016
%
When a gay guy hugs a girl does he say 'no hetero?'
	―American_quack, Jul 2015
%
r/Unexpected should just pop up in front page once in a while even to someone
who doesn't follow it
	―Imposoonble, Oct 2015
%
"They don't sell replacement batteries for that toy" is probably the funniest
lie my parents told me when I was a kid.
	―TheXbro, Jan 2016
%
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb
	―Rick0r, Mar 2016
%
I wonder how many cooks over the course of history were accidentally convicted
of poisoning before people realised that food allergies and anaphylactic shock
were a thing?
	―TequilaMockingbirdy, Apr 2016
%
Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so i can
remember WTF i needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their
site.
	―loveuUSA, Jul 2016
%
Muslim extremists are kinda like the three kids who got recess taken away for
the whole class.
	―jd3302, Jan 2015
%
If we were to tally up how much educational software, textbooks and pdfs have
been given out to students for free, PirateBay is probably one of the biggest
'scholarship' providers out there.
	―tstartl, Apr 2015
%
If you filled a Humidifier with Holy Water, you could have a portable exorcism
machine.
	―Moosetery, Jul 2015
%
A birthday is actually recognizing a successful orbit of the Sun. Congrats,
space traveler.
	―Geo-USA, Dec 2015
%
Crabs are basically battle spiders
	―shittypotatosalad, Dec 2015
%
If my last name was Pepper, I would feel inclined to complete a doctorates
degree.
	―Fumane, Mar 2016
%
A clock is just a battery's lifespan.
	―OnAStick, Feb 2014
%
A selfie stick really ought be called a narcissistick.
	―Machonun, Mar 2015
%
If your job was to browse Reddit, what would you end up doing to procrastinate
at work? Make Excel spreadsheets?
	―Jayshots, May 2015
%
It's called an atlas because it carries the world
	―casvanr, Aug 2015
%
Facebook memories are a great reminder of how shitty my phone's camera was in
2010.
	―ohsureyoudo, Jul 2016
%
The easiest way to not feel alone when you are alone is to watch a scary movie
	―dieingstar, Oct 2016
%
Congrats /r/Showerthoughts, you're the Subreddit of the Day!
	―[deleted], Jun 2013
%
The number of planets humanity has explored completely is zero.
	―psaldorn, Feb 2014
%
Publish a "Where's Waldo" book that doesn't have any Waldos' and sell it as a
gag gift.
	―Dibzz, Oct 2014
%
Google chrome should have a mute button for each tab.
	―NlHILIST, Dec 2014
%
They should put panic buttons INSIDE cash registers, so you can press it
whilst looking like you're retrieving cash
	―curiousbutton, Mar 2015
%
With inflation the way it is, there will be a time when the Harriet Tubman $20
will only be worth 3/5 of what the Andrew Jackson 20 is now worth.
	―KayakBassFisher, Apr 2016
%
Shooting fireworks on Memorial Day seems a lot like celebrating 9/11 with a
rousing game of Jenga
	―btowntkd, May 2016
%
There needs to be a dryer setting for sheets that periodically reverses the
drum spin so you don't end up with a giant burrito filled with still wet
sheets.
	―Amycado, Jul 2016
%
Kids will never again know the joy of getting a new game and reading the
instruction manual on the ride home.
	―yesac09, Apr 2015
%
That one guy 10,000 years ago who was born with the first set of blue eyes
must have gotten laid so much.
	―RoblerLobler, May 2015
%
I've probably spent more time looking for porn than looking at porn
	―20forlife, Jan 2016
%
James Franco and Seth Rogen are like the modern day Cheech and Chong.
	―DJ-Tizzle, Mar 2016
%
The % of men who sit down to pee has increased exponentially since the
invention of the mobile phone.
	―Mingalablah, Apr 2016
%
If I had the post-masturbation clarity of mind before I masturbated, I
probably wouldn't masturbate as much
	―dasodacova, May 2016
%
What if after grade 3 I continued playing the recorder and went on to become
the world's greatest recorder player?
	―[deleted], Mar 2013
%
If I have ever drank to forget, it worked.
	―Peefy, Jun 2014
%
People say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but for
Buddhists it's the opposite.
	―gtkarber, Jul 2014
%
People call a man a bitch when he is being a pussy, but call a woman a bitch
when she is being a dick.
	―SpazmaticCrackAddict, Mar 2015
%
All ads are ads for adblock.
	―Planet2Bob, Jun 2015
%
I'm so glad I live in a country where my first reaction to loud bangs is "Some
kids with fireworks" and not "some maniac with a gun"
	―GaiusSherlockCaesar, Aug 2015
%
In Canada we don't have "Independence Day" because we asked the queens
permission to become a country.
	―700fps, Oct 2015
%
I'm secretly happy when my friends don't use reddit because then I can send
them cool things I find on reddit.
	―justyouraveragealien, Jan 2016
%
If /r/anarchy practiced what they preached they would have no mods
	―stumblingaxis, Jul 2016
%
The guy who thought up the "Jar Jar Binks is a Sith Collaborator" theory on
Reddit a year ago still has over 2 years of Reddit Gold left from that one
post.
	―ryannefromTX, Oct 2016
%
Even immortals don't know what it's like to live forever
	―James64bit, Oct 2016
%
Once you reach the age of 113 you are a teenager again.
	―nosoupforhugh, Jan 2015
%
Brake lights should get brighter depending on how hard the person ahead of you
is breaking.
	―Arc9, Aug 2015
%
Natasha is "Ah, Satan" backwards.
	―xMeta4x, Oct 2015
%
We could have 13 months in a year each with 28 days instead of the current
system. that means each month would be exactly 4 weeks so days of the week
would land on the same place every year.
	―ridik_ulass, Nov 2015
%
Google should produce and maintain an online jokes database and call it
"Giggle".
	―area88guy, Feb 2016
%
The phrase "so easy a kid could do it" doest really apply to technology. For
technology its more like "so easy grandma could do it"
	―Schrodi19, Mar 2016
%
Facebook Go would just be hanging out with your friends in real life.
	―FallingIntoSarchasms, Jul 2016
%
One of the most helpless offspring on the planet, the human baby, grows up to
be the most dangerous.
	―[deleted], Oct 2014
%
This century is already 15% over.
	―Mumblix_Grumph, Jan 2015
%
If you think about it, "Y" is just an enthusiastic "T".
	―[deleted], Mar 2015
%
If I were ever to commit a crime, I'd do it on April 1st in an outrageous
costume. So when the police are called they'll be all "hurry a man in a
spaghetti costume is robbing the bank" and the police will be all "naw nice
try mate"
	―WhiterunUK, Apr 2015
%
Bill gates buying a 1 million dollar house is equivalent to someone who makes
$70,000 a year buying a 6 dollar item.
	―maxg900, Jun 2015
%
I'm kinda disgusted at the thought of drinking milk from my own species, but
I'm totally fine with drinking milk from other species.
	―FrankFH, Aug 2015
%
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long
	―Krayox, Dec 2015
%
Time travel might be discovered before it's invented
	―HeyItsMascot, Jun 2016
%
If you're attractive with a smile, you're cute. If you're attractive without a
smile, you're hot.
	―Coralcell, Jul 2016
%
What if the sets in Breaking Bad were real meth labs, and the show was
actually a cover for an actual meth empire?
	―liberal_texan, Nov 2013
%
Insurance must be crazy expensive in Metropolis and Gotham City.
	―explorer58, Jan 2015
%
I wonder if the 1st person to use sarcasm had to explain what it was, thus
inventing irony.
	―dchas333, Jun 2015
%
Ted Cruz starts his rallies by saying "Allahu Akbar" in another language.
	―[deleted], Mar 2016
%
If a picture is worth a 1000 words, why can't I judge a book for it's cover?
	―Oliisback, Jun 2016
%
Unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic because they are more
likely to be dead
	―likewang, Jun 2016
%
Until the first sound recorder, no one is history would have know that their
voice doesn't sound how it does in their head
	―elbartorama, Aug 2016
%
Putting your phone in Airplane Mode sounds way cooler than it is.
	―trouble_brewing, Sep 2016
%
Running for President is like having a Kickstarter where you give away cabinet
positions and ambassadorships to the people that hit certain donor levels.
	―Kepnerd, Apr 2015
%
It would probably be illegal to cast a 17 year old as the star of an accurate
portrayal of the life of an average 17 year old
	―JamesIgnatius27, Nov 2015
%
Most teenagers pull their phone out of their pocket to check the time. We have
reverted to a society that uses pocket watches.
	―[deleted], Apr 2016
%
If you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.
	―DannyLansdon, Jul 2016
%
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist
anymore
	―lucio_ball, Aug 2016
%
I'm more aware of swearing in a TV show when it's bleeped out.
	―Fox_Lee, Sep 2016
%
"Keep your head up" would be a great slogan for a Viagra add.
	―BasedKorn, Oct 2014
%
Just realized today that closing time at strip clubs should be called
"clothing" time
	―dirtyj56, Mar 2015
%
There should be a porno about giving dick to poor women, called Robin Wood
	―SomeCoolBloke, May 2015
%
"For national security reasons" is the government version of "because I said
so".
	―PMalternativs2reddit, Jun 2015
%
The better looking a girl's outfit is, the more you want to see her without
it.
	―got2bcarlos, Jun 2015
%
People don't "try to grow a beard", they just stop preventing themselves from
growing a beard
	―bwhauf, Oct 2015
%
The most relaxing thing I can imagine is Mr. Rogers interviewing Bob Ross.
	―27Pianos, Mar 2016
%
Since Earth is the third planet in our solar system,isn't everything on Earth
technically a third world problem?
	―BoastfulJew, Jul 2016
%
Bobby Flay should have a daughter and name her Sue.
	―mr_william, May 2013
%
I want to put a horse in a horse costume. People would see it and say, "Damn,
those guys are good."
	―bobbygarafolo, Aug 2014
%
Mythbusters is just jackass for nerds.
	―SPChef350, Aug 2014
%
The saying "You'll like him once you get to know him" basically means "He's a
dick, but you'll get used to it".
	―welshie123, Nov 2014
%
The world isn't turning into a worse place, it's just become harder to hide
everything considered "bad".
	―TheBakedZorro, Nov 2014
%
I wonder if people appreciate the extra nugget I put in their 10 piece
nuggets...
	―Plistra, Aug 2016
%
Bullets are one of a few things that only do their job AFTER they're fired.
	―LANA_WHAT_DangerZone, Oct 2016
%
It's not an "uncircumcised penis" - it's a penis. That's what they look like
naturally. We wouldn't say someone has an "unlifted face" or "unaugmented
breasts".
	―FatherAndSun, Dec 2013
%
I do not know which is worse: to be present and your presence not
acknowledged; or to be absent and your absence not felt.
	―wizzconsin, Feb 2015
%
Astronauts are about to eat food grown in space. Technology has looped far
enough around to make farming an astonishing achievement yet again.
	―Ranwoken, Aug 2015
%
Captain America teaches children that steroids make you more attractive and
better at fighting evil
	―Skweres88, Dec 2015
%
Santa let all the other reindeer be mean to Rudolf until he had a use for him.
	―Zombiepleasure, Nov 2014
%
If pi really is non-repeating and unending, then every possible numeric
sequence is in it. Converted to binary, every possible set of instructions is
in it. All the data in the universe is in it. Therefore, everything is a piece
of pi.
	―[deleted], Jan 2015
%
For April fools day, the Onion should just post truthful and accurate news
stories.
	―Explosivepuppies, Mar 2015
%
Somewhere out there is a man who cut skin off of my penis.
	―ApolloIV, Apr 2015
%
Life Pro Tips is full of solutions to problems I don't have.
	―[deleted], Sep 2015
%
If I ever decide to open a bar, I'm going to name it "Horn Pub"
	―RovinKegs, Nov 2015
%
The first human to take flight was likely a cave baby snatched up by a giant
bird of prey.
	―[deleted], Dec 2015
%
Disney has been instrumental in extending copyright laws, but most of their
most famous movies are adaptations of folktales passed down from many
generations
	―ssandrigon, Feb 2016
%
Camping is fun as long as it's optional.
	―yawningdogge, Jul 2016
%
I am a time traveler. I only go one direction and I do so patiently.
	―AptFox, Sep 2013
%
Everything we eat is processed sunshine.
	―GaslightProphet, Mar 2014
%
There are millions of books I've already read in their entirety - I've just
read the words out of order.
	―dasspacemonkey, Sep 2014
%
If men wake up aroused with erections we call it morning wood, so if women
wake up wet and aroused should we call it "morning dew?"
	―Macular_Patdown, Apr 2015
%
All our alien theories involve kidnaping, because that's exactly what we would
be doing if we found life outside earth.
	―michelkz, Sep 2015
%
If hollister and LaCoste decided to merge, I don't think many people would
wear Hollicoste brand clothing
	―billowingfruit, Oct 2015
%
there should be 'fuck off' mode on your phone, where no one can contact you
and you can just use the data
	―thehumbleguy, Feb 2016
%
If you make a killing you make a lot of money. If you make a living you make
enough to get by.
	―banrab, Mar 2016
%
My car just texted me to let me know it finished downloading and installing
updates, and this sentence would sound like nonsense to someone living as
little as five years ago.
	―Starsy, Jul 2016
%
People say they slept like a baby as if it's a good thing. Waking up screaming
every two hours doesn't sound that restful to me.
	―trivialpursuits, Aug 2016
%
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
	―yoloswagginstheturd, Sep 2016
%
I wish that when somebody started telling a story, a progress bar would
appear.
	―lportx, Aug 2014
%
That would suck to be a Caucasian person born in Japan, grow up there speaking
Japanese. Then move to America and start learning English. People would just
think you were being racist all the time.
	―MilesDoog, Oct 2014
%
I wonder if I'm closer to my birth or my death right now
	―_GIROUXsalem, Jan 2015
%
My smoker friends eat less, spend less time sitting at their desks and are in
the great outdoors much more than I am.
	―RatchettRN, May 2015
%
Pimp my ride was the weirdest charity program in history
	―mrpricklefingers, Jul 2015
%
If a blind person tells their significant other they've been seeing someone,
it could either be really terrible news or really great news
	―PsychedelicBukkake, Dec 2015
%
In the Lion King when simba sings "I just can't wait to be king" he's just
singing about "I just can't wait for my dad to die."
	―Lola-the-cat, Mar 2016
%
Whoever named "Now You See Me 2" missed a really obvious joke when they didn't
name it "Now You Don't."
	―Ihavenofriendzzz, Mar 2016
%
I can't make a call because Skype is improving my Skype experience, but what
would really improve my experience is being able to make a fucking call.
	―zanzibarbob, May 2016
%
By writing this sentence, I have become a small part of your world
	―Iheart2, Nov 2014
%
What if sleep is our natural state, and the only reason we wake up is to
gather information for our dreams?
	―Mohayat, Oct 2015
%
The reason why most duels took place during high-noon was so neither
participant had sun in their eyes.
	―SpiritMountain, Feb 2016
%
"God works in mysterious ways" is basically religion's "Shit happens".
	―eatableshoes, Apr 2016
%
After installing Adblock, hot chicks in my neighborhood suddenly do not want
to have sex with me
	―ochmar, Jun 2016
%
I judge people for their "Only God Can Judge" tattoo.
	―Banthrau, Jun 2016
%
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one
ahead
	―YouHaveMyBlessings, Aug 2016
%
When flying vehicles become feasible, there's no way the public should get
access. Instead, it should be for trained emergency services (Ambulances, fire
trucks, police) to ensure the fastest/most efficient possible response
time. We already crash too much, no need to add flying.
	―ThatOneVRGuyFromAuz, Sep 2016
%
My motivation to stop wasting time is to get things out of the way so I can
waste more time.
	―goshaboobchinskiy, Oct 2016
%
Is "Ow" the sound humans naturally make when they feel pain or have we just
learned to say that?
	―OptimusRhyme69, Jul 2013
%
If Ice Cube got shot and killed instead of Tupac, would Tupac be making movies
like "Are We There Yet?" and Cube would be remembered as one of the hardest
rappers?
	―EndsWithMan, Feb 2014
%
Gifs shouldn't start playing until they've fully loaded.
	―ARMunsilenced, Aug 2014
%
Surely the man who killed Bruce Wayne's parents is inadvertently responsible
for saving Gotham countless times.
	―Mairuu, Oct 2014
%
Being born into your parent's religion is the first time you agree to terms
and conditions without reading them.
	―HorseCode, Apr 2015
%
We are effectively living in the opposite of The Matrix. We're in the real
world but trying to live in a digital one.
	―barelyonhere, Jul 2015
%
Gorillas don't know any bodybuilding techniques so we probably have never seen
one at full potential.
	―mkt3, Aug 2015
%
Everytime I hear a forced ad on the internet. I make a mental not never to buy
what they are advertising. Fuck you.
	―Tonsilskin, Oct 2015
%
Instagram would have been a good name for a drug delivery service
	―imduanereademy5isfly, Jan 2016
%
Putting death row inmates on suicide watch is economically irresponsible.
	―McPoyal, May 2016
%
Every time you pick up a coin, you're being paid to clean up after the person
that dropped it
	―jmnzg, Aug 2016
%
Samsung's Note 7 is probably just AI discovering fire
	―Ethtardor, Oct 2016
%
Few things in life are more irritating than making an awesome joke (quip,
witty remark), having no one hear it but one person - who laughs, repeats the
joke, and for some reason everyone hears THEM so they get full credit for your
joke.
	―Kande1328, Oct 2016
%
If assisted suicide were legal, people could have planned death ceremonies and
speeches.
	―shogi_x, Sep 2013
%
Do dogs have a "list" of their favorite people? Where do I rank on the lists
of the dogs that know me?
	―StankyMung, Oct 2013
%
If someone dies in their thirties, their teenage angst was a midlife crisis.
	―[deleted], May 2014
%
A last name is like a brand of human.
	―denture_adventurer, Jun 2014
%
Virgin drinks should all be served with a cherry.
	―teachrdan, Aug 2014
%
Shakespeare probably never had to say "for lack of a better term". He just
made one up.
	―TheBridgeburners, Aug 2014
%
Facebook is where you lie to your friends. Reddit is where you're honest with
strangers.
	―TheGnuGuy, Jan 2015
%
If we legalize marijuana and get self driving cars, the police won't have
anything to do.
	―aacrane, Mar 2015
%
Coconuts are just hard-core water balloons.
	―Pirate_Tuna, Jun 2015
%
Phonetic isn't spelt phonetically, there is no anagram for anagram, there
isn't another word for thesaurus and ironically most people do not understand
irony.
	―lukeyflukey, Aug 2015
%
Every bee alive is completely innocent; they have never stung anyone.
	―Mijeman, Sep 2015
%
100 years ago a car would have been a luxury and horse a necessity,But today
car is a necessity and a horse is the luxury.
	―[deleted], Jul 2016
%
I can post this here, and someone I've never met, seen, or even knew existed
will most likely see this.
	―ForeverNaynay, Jul 2013
%
A broom is an acoustic vacuum..
	―house-vs-hurricane, Jan 2015
%
We should change "Lol" to "Ne" (Nose Exhale) because that's all we really do
when we see something funny online.
	―ThatGuyPonna, Sep 2015
%
we'll probably see a TIL in ten years time that reads "TIL that the famous
prodigy inventor Ahmed was once arrested for bringing a home-made clock to
school. Police thought it was a bomb."
	―Ruxini, Sep 2015
%
If Google were to go down, I'd be convinced my Internet wasn't working for the
longest time.
	―psychyness, Oct 2015
%
Your 20's are a lot like your teens, except the chemical imbalances are
self-imposed rather than naturally occurring.
	―teton_blamer, Sep 2016
%
Wrestling is a sport where two people without pants fight for a belt.
	―_Mordred_, Sep 2016
%
I don't get why people are upset we haven't invented hover-boards by 2015 when
according to the same movie, we should've had a time machine back in in 1985.
	―CIRCLJERK_REPOST_BOT, Oct 2016
%
The Young Me Is The Old Me
	―Ouroboros_87, Jan 2014
%
They should have brake lights on the front of cars too, so people at
intersections know if the other person is slowing down
	―prezmafc, Sep 2014
%
If hell is as full of gay people as they say it is, I'm going to have a really
good time
	―If-it-isnt-her, May 2015
%
The biggest clickbait on Reddit is not the NSFW tag, it's "comment score below
threshold"
	―247NoSleep, Nov 2015
%
I wonder how many good movies I've missed because the cover art and
description was crappy.
	―kevin32, Jan 2016
%
"I forgot to plug my car in" will eventually be the most common excuse for
being late for work.
	―SyrCuse-44-, Jul 2016
%
First we put watches in phones so that we don't need to look at our watch, now
we put our phones in watches so that we don't need to look at our phones.
	―esean_keni, Sep 2016
%
In the Harry Potter world, two people could have taken polyjuice potion and
switched genders to have sex.
	―[deleted], Oct 2016
%
Accents are like voice fonts
	―BeatsByJay, Feb 2014
%
The song "Frosty the Snowman" is about an ice golem who leads kids into
oncoming traffic and vows to return after the police's pursuit of him ends in
his destruction.
	―Klopfenpop, Dec 2014
%
"Shit" is the only word that becomes its own antonym when it follows the word
"the."
	―Desecr8or, Sep 2015
%
Jackets don't warm you up, you warm them up.
	―JadedCrimson, Dec 2015
%
Maybe I should start a Science version of Jehova's Witnesses and go door to
door teaching people about science.
	―RenB79, Mar 2016
%
In cartoons, especially Tom and Jerry, the mouse live in a hole in the
wall. I've never seen this kind of hole in real life.
	―ILikeWoodenTables, Mar 2016
%
An animated Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie done by the creators of
Futurama would be amazing.
	―CalcasieuRed, Apr 2016
%
My wife doesn't like it when I introduce her as my "ex-girlfriend".
	―CaptainAwesome06, May 2016
%
All cellphone cameras, laptop cameras, and other webcams should come with a
sliding door that has to be physically opened and closed by the user.
	―TwinCitititities, Sep 2016
%
YOLO should be an argument against being stupid, not for it.
	―ObnoxiousCritic, Jun 2014
%
If depictions of Hitler's mustache were illegal, you couldn't put a black bar
over them.
	―thedumperor, Jul 2014
%
Tom Hanks could easily choose to sign off a letter with just - Thanks
	―couching_potato, Dec 2014
%
Islam needs to eat a Snickers.
	―T5000X, Jan 2015
%
Earth could just be the North Korea of the galaxy and we'd have no idea either
way
	―verious_, Feb 2015
%
Parenting a toddler is like being on suicide watch 12 hours a day. If you take
your eyes off them for more than a few seconds, they'll find a way to kill
themselves.
	―District_RE, Sep 2015
%
Deciding not to buy lottery tickets is like winning a small lottery in
itself. It just pays out discretely over a lifetime.
	―fiaeorri, Sep 2015
%
Queue is just Q with 4 letters silently waiting their turn.
	―cpu5555, Nov 2015
%
When meeting new people, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. However,
most book covers will tell you if the book is a romance, a thriller, a
mystery, or even just plain fiction.
	―Sir_Silly_Sloth, Feb 2016
%
"I cannot bear children" can explain childlessness in two completely different
ways.
	―bisketty, May 2016
%
As a cyclist I assume every driver wants to kill me. As a driver I assume
every cyclist has a death wish.
	―InteriorEmotion, Jul 2016
%
As a male I've received so much cologne over the years as gifts that I've
never had to buy any myself. I've let other people decide how I should smell.
	―AzBrah, Oct 2016
%
The only thing in life I consistently give 110% is the speed limit.
	―OliverFenderbender, Oct 2016
%
In The Incredibles, Elasti-Girl probably had no trouble during childbirth.
	―jarheadsynapze, May 2014
%
Nsfw seems so much more appealing when I am actually in work.
	―allybabaa, Dec 2014
%
I text "hahaha" when I am actually laughing while reading a message, and "lol"
when something is only mildly amusing. Weird.
	―pickledpineapple, Jan 2015
%
There has most likely been a time in your life in which you had an interaction
with a stranger who died later that day.
	―Blackbettyshamalam, Apr 2015
%
The amount of real world success in my Facebook friends' lives is inversely
proportional to the amount of 'inspirational life advice' type images they
post.
	―phish_tacos, Jun 2015
%
As long as you don't have kids, your 30s are like your 20s but with money.
	―CaptainSomeGuy, Jul 2015
%
You could completely remove the semi colon from keyboards and the majority of
people wouldn't notice until they wanted to send someone a wink.
	―Willexplainmyballs, Jan 2016
%
People named Frank should say, "let me be frank with you," more often.
	―Leocletus, Mar 2016
%
The movie "Holes" is basically "Shawshank Redemption" for kids. A man is
sentenced for a crime he did not commit, is harassed then accepted by his
peers, then discovers the warden abusing power for self gain.
	―matthewbobsagit, Jun 2016
%
There are animals in the world that have never seen a human.
	―MemoryDriven, Sep 2016
%
The name Ariana Grande sounds like a Microsoft Word font.
	―YoshiToad, Sep 2014
%
Why do baby clothes have pockets?
	―Nerd514, Sep 2014
%
When you change "woman" to "women", the A changes to an E, but it's the sound
of the O that changes.
	―Stalins_Grandson, May 2015
%
Watching a snapchat from Team Snapchat is like having Tom as a friend on
Myspace
	―Catabolist, Jul 2015
%
The little girl from The Ring hasn't been able to kill anyone in years now
that VCRs are obsolete.
	―JackOfCandles, Jul 2015
%
With Sesame Street moving to HBO, I wonder which character will be killed off
first?
	―scottcmu, Aug 2015
%
In an uphill race, the first runner up is actually the winner.
	―DeesusCrust, Feb 2016
%
There's no 'd' in 'refrigerator' but there is in 'fridge'.
	―Rocketoast, Jul 2013
%
I've wanted to run away as an adult way more then I ever did as a kid.
	―Eggs_and_Porn, Dec 2014
%
Attractiveness is the sole difference between being "dark and mysterious" or
"that weird guy in the corner that doesn't talk much".
	―ItsaMeMattio, Sep 2015
%
Does the hole in the middle of a doughnut still exist after you've eaten it?
	―MeMuzzta, Mar 2016
%
I will live forever or die trying
	―Astalapista, Aug 2016
%
A Virgin Mary becomes a Bloody Mary after you put something stiff in it.
	―Mossyiscracked, Oct 2016
%
Isn't having one month designated for black history segregation?
	―kevinonthemoon, Feb 2014
%
In 500 years, people will think of me as being as technologically ancient and
generally ignorant as I think of people in the 1500s, and that pisses me off.
	―DBerrz, May 2014
%
Gotham City is kinda screwed if it's a clear night and there aren't any clouds
to put the bat signal on
	―Elfieblue, Jul 2014
%
Someone had to go to Robin Williams' Wikipedia page and turn every 'is' to a
'was'.
	―6midlan, Aug 2014
%
[META] Nick Offerman brings our Shower Thoughts to life
	―bhalp1, Aug 2014
%
There should be a battle of the bands at each half time show during the nfl
playoffs and the winner moves on to the super bowl show
	―panoramicjazz, Feb 2015
%
We never stop clapping, we just really, really slooooooooooow down.
	―monoleso, Sep 2015
%
Saying "um" is the human equivalent to buffering.
	―[deleted], Nov 2015
%