smpldbot/deps/fortune/fortunes

A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
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A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
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A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
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A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.

Buy the negatives at any price.
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A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
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A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
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A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
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A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
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Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
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Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.
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Advancement in position.
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After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
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Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
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Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
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All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
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Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
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An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
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An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
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Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
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Are you a turtle?
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Are you ever going to do the dishes?  Or will you change your major to biology?
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Are you making all this up as you go along?
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Are you sure the back door is locked?
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Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
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Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
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Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
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Avoid reality at all costs.
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Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
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Be careful!  Is it classified?
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Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
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Be cautious in your daily affairs.
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Be cheerful while you are alive.
		-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
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Be different: conform.
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Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
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Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
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Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
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Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.
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Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.
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Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
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Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
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Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
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Beware of Bigfoot!
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Beware of low-flying butterflies.
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Beware the one behind you.
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Blow it out your ear.
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Break into jail and claim police brutality.
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Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.
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Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
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Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
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Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
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Change your thoughts and you change your world.
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Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
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Chess tonight.
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Chicken Little only has to be right once.
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Chicken Little was right.
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Cold hands, no gloves.
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Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.
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Courage is your greatest present need.
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Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
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Do not overtax your powers.
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Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
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Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
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Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
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Do what comes naturally.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
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Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
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Don't feed the bats tonight.
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Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
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Don't get to bragging.
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Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
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Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
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Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
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Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
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Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
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Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
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Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
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Don't plan any hasty moves.  You'll be evicted soon anyway.
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Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
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Don't read everything you believe.
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Don't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.
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Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
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Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
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Don't Worry, Be Happy.
		-- Meher Baba
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Don't worry.  Life's too long.
		-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
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Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
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Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
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Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
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Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
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Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
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Excellent day to have a rotten day.
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Excellent time to become a missing person.
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Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
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Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
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Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
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Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
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Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.
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Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
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Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
		-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
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Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
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Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
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Give him an evasive answer.
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Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
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Give your very best today.  Heaven knows it's little enough.
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Go to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you.
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Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
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Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
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Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.
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Good day to let down old friends who need help.
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Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
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Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
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Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
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Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
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Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
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If you can read this, you're too close.
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If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
365 useless things.
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If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
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If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
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If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
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If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
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In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
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Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.
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Is that really YOU that is reading this?
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Is this really happening?
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It is so very hard to be an
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
grown-up.
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It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
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It was all so different before everything changed.
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It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
		-- Churchy La Femme
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It's all in the mind, ya know.
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It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
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Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is
not worth sending.
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Just to have it is enough.
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Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
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Keep it short for pithy sake.
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Lady Luck brings added income today.  Lady friend takes it away tonight.
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Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
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Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
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Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
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"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
		-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
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Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
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Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
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Long life is in store for you.
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Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
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Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
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Make a wish, it might come true.
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Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
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Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
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Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
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Never give an inch!
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Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
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Never reveal your best argument.
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Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
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Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
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People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.
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Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
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Questionable day.

Ask somebody something.
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Reply hazy, ask again later.
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Save energy: be apathetic.
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Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
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Slow day.  Practice crawling.
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Snow Day -- stay home.
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So this is it.  We're going to die.
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So you're back... about time...
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Someone is speaking well of you.
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Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!
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Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
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Stay away from flying saucers today.
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Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
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Stay the curse.
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That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
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The time is right to make new friends.
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The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
		-- George Gobel
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There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
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There is a fly on your nose.
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There was a phone call for you.
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There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
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Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
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Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
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This life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.
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This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
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Time to be aggressive.  Go after a tattooed Virgo.
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Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
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Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
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Today is the last day of your life so far.
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Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
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Today is what happened to yesterday.
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Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
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Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
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Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
it can still be changed today.
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Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
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Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
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Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
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Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
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Truth will out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
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Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
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Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
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Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
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Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
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Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
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Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
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Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
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What happened last night can happen again.
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While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and
are making another attack.
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Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
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You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
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You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
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You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
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You are always busy.
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You are as I am with You.
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You are capable of planning your future.
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You are confused; but this is your normal state.
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You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
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You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the
department of transportation.
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You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
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You are fairminded, just and loving.
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You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
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You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
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You are going to have a new love affair.
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You are magnetic in your bearing.
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You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.
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You are number 6!  Who is number one?
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You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
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You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.
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You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.
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You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
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You are standing on my toes.
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You are taking yourself far too seriously.
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You are the only person to ever get this message.
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You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
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You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
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You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.
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You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt
is concerned.
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You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
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You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.
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You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
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You dialed 5483.
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You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
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You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
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You enjoy the company of other people.
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You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
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You fill a much-needed gap.
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You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
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You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to
leave it behind.
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You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
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You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
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You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.
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You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
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You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
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You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
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You have a truly strong individuality.
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You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
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You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
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You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
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You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.
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You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.
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You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.
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You have been selected for a secret mission.
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You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
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You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
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You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
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You have many friends and very few living enemies.
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You have no real enemies.
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You have taken yourself too seriously.
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You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
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You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
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You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
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You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE
"SOMEONE ELSE."
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You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
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You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
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You look tired.
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You love peace.
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You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
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You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
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You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.
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You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
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You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!
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You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.
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You need more time; and you probably always will.
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You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
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You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
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You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
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You now have Asian Flu.
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You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
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You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
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You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
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You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
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You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
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You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
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You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
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You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
if they are dead.
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You should go home.
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You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
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You teach best what you most need to learn.
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You too can wear a nose mitten.
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You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.
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You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
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You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
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You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
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You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
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You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
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You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
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You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
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You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
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You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
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You will be awarded some great honor.
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You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
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You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
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You will be divorced within a year.
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You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
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You will be held hostage by a radical group.
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You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
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You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
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You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
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You will be married within a year.
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You will be misunderstood by everyone.
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You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
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You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
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You will be run over by a beer truck.
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You will be run over by a bus.
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You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
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You will be successful in love.
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You will be surprised by a loud noise.
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You will be surrounded by luxury.
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You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
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You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
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You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
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You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
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You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
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You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
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You will contract a rare disease.
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You will engage in a profitable business activity.
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You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
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You will feel hungry again in another hour.
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You will forget that you ever knew me.
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You will gain money by a fattening action.
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You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
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You will gain money by an illegal action.
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You will gain money by an immoral action.
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You will get what you deserve.
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You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
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You will have a long and boring life.
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You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
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You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
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You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
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You will have long and healthy life.
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You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
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You will inherit millions of dollars.
%
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
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You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
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You will live to see your grandchildren.
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You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.
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You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
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You will never know hunger.
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You will not be elected to public office this year.
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You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
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You will outgrow your usefulness.
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You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
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You will pass away very quickly.
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You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard
this message.
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You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
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You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
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You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
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You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
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You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
%
You will soon forget this.
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You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
%
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
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You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.
%
You will triumph over your enemy.
%
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
%
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
%
You will wish you hadn't.
%
You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.
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You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.
%
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
%
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
%
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
%
You'll be sorry...
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You'll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
heel.
%
You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
%
You'll never be the man your mother was!
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You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately,
they're not all recommended.
%
You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier
to do.
%
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
%
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
%
You're at the end of the road again.
%
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
%
You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
%
You're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.
%
You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that
you're growing into.
%
You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
%
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
%
You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.
%
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
%
Your aim is high and to the right.
%
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
%
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
%
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
really worth having.
%
Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
%
Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
%
Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
%
Your business will assume vast proportions.
%
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
%
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
%
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
%
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
%
Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)
%
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
%
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
%
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
%
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
%
Your love life will be... interesting.
%
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
%
Your lucky color has faded.
%
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
%
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
%
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
%
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.
%
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
%
Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.
%
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
%
Your present plans will be successful.
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Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
%
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
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Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
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Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
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Your step will soil many countries.
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Your supervisor is thinking about you.
%
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
%
Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
%
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
A:	Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
Q:	Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
A:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
A:	To be or not to be.
Q:	What is the square root of 4b^2?
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
A:	Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
Q:	What's Dr. Presume's full name?
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
A:	Go west, young man, go west!
Q:	What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
A:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
Q:	Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
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Knock, knock!
	Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
	Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet Evening...
%
Knucklehead:	"Knock, knock"
Pee Wee:	"Who's there?"
Knucklehead:	"Little ol' lady."
Pee Wee:	"Liddle ol' lady who?"
Knucklehead:	"I didn't know you could yodel"
%
Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
	existentialist?"
A:	"Is there a dog?"
%
Q:	Are we not men?
A:	We are Vaxen.
%
Q:	Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:	One per person.
%
Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.
%
Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
%
Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:	Unique up on it!

Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:	The tame way!
%
Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?
%
Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.
%
Q:	How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A:	Throw him a rock.
%
Q:	How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A:	With a blue-elephant gun.

Q:	How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A:	Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
	a blue-elephant gun.
%
Q:	How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:	Take away his credit cards.
%
Q:	How does a hacker fix a function which
	doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A:	He changes the domain.
%
Q:	How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A:	Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
	speech, but under the United States constitution they are
	guaranteed freedom after speech.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
Q:	How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
	of license fee (binary only).
%
Q:	How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Two.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
	done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
%
Q:	How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Five.  One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the
		experience.  (Actually, Californians don't screw in
		light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)

Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all
		those Californians trying to share the experience.
%
Q:	How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
%
Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:	How long does it take?
A:	It's indeterminate.
	It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:	They replace your generator.
%
Q:	How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:	Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.

Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	The door won't shut.

Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
%
Q:	How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
	itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
	reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
	maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
%
Q:	How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
	does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	"I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
	advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
	can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the
	credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
%
Q:	How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  We'll fix it in software.

Q:	How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The application can work around it.

Q:	How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  We'll document it in the manual.

Q:	How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The user can figure it out.
%
Q:	How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
%
Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
%
Q:	How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A:	33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
%
Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
%
Q:	How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
	light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
	to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
	reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
	the bulb in the first place.
%
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
%
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
	The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following.  The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation.  Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
%
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if
	you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
%
Q:	How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	I'll have to get back to you on that.
%
Q:	How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	One and a half.
%
Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None:  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
%
Q:	How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
	to the earlier joke.
%
Q:	How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
	light bulb?
A:	Seven.  Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
	the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
	Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
	that he's a doctor, not an electrician).  Scotty, after checking
	around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
	that he "canna" see in the dark.  Kirk will make an emergency stop at
	the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
	from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
	Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
	beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
	killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
	As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
	Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
	warp out of orbit.  Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
	and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
	just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
	given all light bulbs they can carry.  The new bulb is then inserted
	and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
%
Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those
	Californians trying to share the experience.
%
Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
	to really want to change.
%
Q:	How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
%
Q:	How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
	with brightly colored machine tools.

	[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]
%
Q:	How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.
%
Q:	How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
	of the way.
%
Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A:	2 bits.
%
Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A:	9 edge down.
%
Q:	Know what the difference between your latest project
	and putting wings on an elephant is?
A:	Who knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
%
Q:	Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
A:	Easy.  It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
	bottles into the typewriter.
%
Q:	What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A:	"The elephants are coming over the hill."

Q:	What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
		sunglasses?
A:	Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
%
Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
%
Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A:	The very best person they can possibly be.
%
Q:	What do monsters eat?
A:	Things.

Q:	What do monsters drink?
A:	Coke.  (Because Things go better with Coke.)
%
Q:	What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
A:	The impossible dream.
%
Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:	The same middle name.
%
Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:	A dope ring.

Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:	To cover up the valve stem.
%
Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus.

Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
%
Q:	What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
A:	Trustworthy.
%
Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:	A stick.
%
Q:	What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A:	Six sick Sikhs (sic).
%
Q:	What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
	is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A:	A deep C diva.
%
Q:	What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
	lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A:	A failure.
%
Q:	What do you call the money you pay to the government when
	you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A:	A howdah duty.
%
Q:	What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
	sheep bites you?
A:	Ewe nicks.
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A:	An offer you can't understand.
%
Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A:	Not enough sand.
%
Q:	What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
A:	Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
%
Q:	What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
A:	A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
	a delicious dessert.
%
Q:	What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A:	Open other end.
%
Q:	What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
A:	A dinner party.
%
Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?
A:	Moby Pickle.
%
Q:	What is orange and goes "click, click?"
A:	A ball point carrot.
%
Q:	What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A:	Open other end.
%
Q:	What is purple and commutes?
A:	An Abelian grape.
%
Q:	What is purple and conquered the world?
A:	Alexander the Grape.
%
Q:	What is the difference between a duck?
A:	One leg is both the same.
%
Q:	What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A:	Yogurt has culture.
%
Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?
A:	Mu.
%
Q:	What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A:	A nervous wreck.
%
Q:	What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
	plays like a monkey?
A:	Nothing.
%
Q:	What's a light-year?
A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.
%
Q:	What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
A:	Dating a Canadian.
%
Q:	What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A:	A corpse.
%
Q:	What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A:	Chewing gum.
%
Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:	A doberman.
%
Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax
%
Q:	What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
A:	The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
	lawyer in the road?
A:	There are skid marks in front of the dog.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
A:	You can't get down off an elephant.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
%
Q:	What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A:	One less drunk.
%
Q:	What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A:	The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
%
Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
	"and some cigarettes."
%
Q:	What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A:	The Titanic had a band.
%
Q:	What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A:	A canary with the super-user password.
%
Q:	What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A:	Zorn's Lemon.
%
Q:	Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

Q:	What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
%
Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.
%
Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.
%
Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A:	Because he was hungry.
%
Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:	He was giving it last rites.
%
Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:	To see his friend Gregory peck.

Q:	Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A:	To get to the other slide.
%
Q:	Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A:	To get to the other slide.
%
Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
%
Q:	Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
A:	Because that was her name.
%
Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A:	Because it was on the other side.
%
Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
A:	To get to the middle.
%
Q:	Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out forest fires.

Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.
%
Q:	Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A:	To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
%
Q:	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:	To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
%
Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
	Oh, right, *of course*!
%
Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
	an eye on the two intellectuals.
%
Q:	Why do WASPs play golf ?
A:	So they can dress like pimps.
%
Q:	Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
	New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A:	God gave New Jersey first choice.
%
Q:	Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A:	The cats keep trying to bury them.
%
Q:	Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
A:	Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar.  If they drink
	it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
	visiting, they always take three.
%
Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?
A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
	my dissertation to rhyme.
%
Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
	gets all the credit.
%
Q:	Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
	function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A:	That's the Law of Spline Demand.
%
Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
Q:	Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
	soup in a plate?
A:	'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
%
Q:	Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A:	It wasn't IBM compatible.
%