diff --git a/deps/fortune/fortunes b/deps/fortune/fortunes index bb3e74f..f5bb2b4 100644 --- a/deps/fortune/fortunes +++ b/deps/fortune/fortunes @@ -914,572 +914,3 @@ Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner. % Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. % -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 -A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy -Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 -A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. -Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 -A: To be or not to be. -Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 -A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. -Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 -A: Chicken Teriyaki. -Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 -A: Go west, young man, go west! -Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 -A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. -Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. -% -Knock, knock! - Who's there? -Sam and Janet. - Sam and Janet who? -Sam and Janet Evening... -% -Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" -Pee Wee: "Who's there?" -Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." -Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" -Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" -% -Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic - existentialist?" -A: "Is there a dog?" -% -Q: Are we not men? -A: We are Vaxen. -% -Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? -A: One per person. -% -Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? -A: When his lips move. -% -Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? -A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. -% -Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? -A: Unique up on it! - -Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? -A: The tame way! -% -Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? -% -Q: How do you play religious roulette? -A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets - struck by lightning first. -% -Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? -A: Throw him a rock. -% -Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? -A: With a blue-elephant gun. - -Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? -A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with - a blue-elephant gun. -% -Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? -A: Take away his credit cards. -% -Q: How does a hacker fix a function which - doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? -A: He changes the domain. -% -Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? -A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of - speech, but under the United States constitution they are - guaranteed freedom after speech. - -- being told in Poland, 1987 -% -Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? -A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment - of license fee (binary only). -% -Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being - done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. -% -Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the - experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in - light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) - -Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all - those Californians trying to share the experience. -% -Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. -% -Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? -A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. - -Q: How long does it take? -A: It's indeterminate. - It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. - -Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? -A: They replace your generator. -% -Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? -A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. - -Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? -A: There's a footprint in the mayo. - -Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? -A: There's two footprints in the mayo. - -Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? -A: The door won't shut. - -Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? -A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. -% -Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb - itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective - reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a - maudlin cosmos of nothingness. -% -Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students - does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my - advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he - can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the - credit for answering this incredibly vital question." -% -Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: None. We'll fix it in software. - -Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: None. The application can work around it. - -Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: None. We'll document it in the manual. - -Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: None. The user can figure it out. -% -Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. -% -Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? -A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. -% -Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? -A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. -% -Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number - GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, - of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally - left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... - consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". -% -Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring - light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot - to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for - reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break - the bulb in the first place. -% -Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. -% -Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the -party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith -agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed -from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed -upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of -the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating -at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of -the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the -second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the -parties. - The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be -limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without -elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other -means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party -of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered -non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part -becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall -have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner -consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. -Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part -shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall -occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in -step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation -should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. -The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the -first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to -produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. -% -Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if - you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... -% -Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb? -A: I'll have to get back to you on that. -% -Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: One and a half. -% -Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. -% -Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem - to the earlier joke. -% -Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a - light bulb? -A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in - the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send - Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim - that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking - around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains - that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at - the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb - from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. - Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers - beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply - killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. - As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, - Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must - warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon - and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have - just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been - given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted - and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. -% -Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those - Californians trying to share the experience. -% -Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has - to really want to change. -% -Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? -A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. -% -Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub - with brightly colored machine tools. - - [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] -% -Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? -A: One. -% -Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out - of the way. -% -Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? -A: 2 bits. -% -Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? -A: 9 edge down. -% -Q: Know what the difference between your latest project - and putting wings on an elephant is? -A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... -% -Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" -A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little - bottles into the typewriter. -% -Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? -A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." - -Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing - sunglasses? -A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. -% -Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? -A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. -% -Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? -A: The very best person they can possibly be. -% -Q: What do monsters eat? -A: Things. - -Q: What do monsters drink? -A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) -% -Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? -A: The impossible dream. -% -Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? -A: The same middle name. -% -Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? -A: A dope ring. - -Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? -A: To cover up the valve stem. -% -Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? -A: Diyathinkhesaurus. - -Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? -A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. -% -Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian? -A: Trustworthy. -% -Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? -A: A stick. -% -Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? -A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). -% -Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C - is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? -A: A deep C diva. -% -Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a - lawyer, and believes in social causes? -A: A failure. -% -Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when - you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? -A: A howdah duty. -% -Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female - sheep bites you? -A: Ewe nicks. -% -Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? -A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! -% -Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? -A: An offer you can't understand. -% -Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? -A: Not enough sand. -% -Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? -A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please! -% -Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? -A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by - a delicious dessert. -% -Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? -A: Open other end. -% -Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? -A: A dinner party. -% -Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? -A: Moby Pickle. -% -Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" -A: A ball point carrot. -% -Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? -A: Open other end. -% -Q: What is purple and commutes? -A: An Abelian grape. -% -Q: What is purple and conquered the world? -A: Alexander the Grape. -% -Q: What is the difference between a duck? -A: One leg is both the same. -% -Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? -A: Yogurt has culture. -% -Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? -A: Mu. -% -Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? -A: A nervous wreck. -% -Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and - plays like a monkey? -A: Nothing. -% -Q: What's a light-year? -A: One-third less calories than a regular year. -% -Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness? -A: Dating a Canadian. -% -Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb? -A: A corpse. -% -Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? -A: Chewing gum. -% -Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? -A: A doberman. -% -Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? -A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! - -Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they - are removable! - -Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his - very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? -A: Yes, up to isomorphism! - -Q: What is a compact city? -A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted - policemen! - -- Peter Lax -% -Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin? -A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. -% -Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead - lawyer in the road? -A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. -% -Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? -A: You can't get down off an elephant. -% -Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? -A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. -% -Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? -A: One less drunk. -% -Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? -A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. -% -Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? -A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd - like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, - "and some cigarettes." -% -Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? -A: The Titanic had a band. -% -Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? -A: A canary with the super-user password. -% -Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? -A: Zorn's Lemon. -% -Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? -A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! - -Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? -A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... -% -Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? -A: Lawn Boy. -% -Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? -A: To impress Jodie Foster. -% -Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? -A: Because he was hungry. -% -Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? -A: He was giving it last rites. -% -Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? -A: To see his friend Gregory peck. - -Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? -A: To get to the other slide. -% -Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? -A: To get to the other slide. -% -Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? -A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means. -% -Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? -A: Because that was her name. -% -Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? -A: Because it was on the other side. -% -Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? -A: To get to the middle. -% -Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? -A: To stamp out forest fires. - -Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? -A: To stamp out flaming ducks. -% -Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? -A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. -% -Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? -A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. -% -Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? -A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? - Oh, right, *of course*! -% -Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? -A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps - an eye on the two intellectuals. -% -Q: Why do WASPs play golf ? -A: So they can dress like pimps. -% -Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and - New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? -A: God gave New Jersey first choice. -% -Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? -A: The cats keep trying to bury them. -% -Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? -A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink - it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while - visiting, they always take three. -% -Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? -A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted - my dissertation to rhyme. -% -Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? -A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit - gets all the credit. -% -Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation - function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? -A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. -% -Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? -A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in - Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever - you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. - -- being told in Poland, 1987 -% -Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man - soup in a plate? -A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. -% -Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? -A: It wasn't IBM compatible. -%