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@ -914,572 +914,3 @@ Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
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Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. |
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 |
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A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy |
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Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? |
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% |
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 |
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A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. |
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Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? |
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% |
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 |
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A: To be or not to be. |
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Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? |
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% |
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 |
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A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. |
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Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? |
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% |
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 |
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A: Chicken Teriyaki. |
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Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? |
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% |
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 |
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A: Go west, young man, go west! |
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Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? |
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% |
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FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 |
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A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. |
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Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. |
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% |
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Knock, knock! |
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Who's there? |
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Sam and Janet. |
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Sam and Janet who? |
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Sam and Janet Evening... |
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% |
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Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" |
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Pee Wee: "Who's there?" |
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Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." |
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Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" |
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Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" |
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% |
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Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic |
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existentialist?" |
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A: "Is there a dog?" |
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% |
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Q: Are we not men? |
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A: We are Vaxen. |
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% |
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Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? |
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A: One per person. |
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% |
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Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? |
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A: When his lips move. |
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% |
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Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? |
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A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. |
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% |
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Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? |
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A: Unique up on it! |
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Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? |
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A: The tame way! |
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% |
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Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? |
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% |
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Q: How do you play religious roulette? |
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A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets |
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struck by lightning first. |
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% |
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Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? |
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A: Throw him a rock. |
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% |
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Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? |
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A: With a blue-elephant gun. |
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Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? |
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A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with |
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a blue-elephant gun. |
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% |
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Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? |
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A: Take away his credit cards. |
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% |
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Q: How does a hacker fix a function which |
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doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? |
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A: He changes the domain. |
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% |
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Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? |
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A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of |
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speech, but under the United States constitution they are |
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guaranteed freedom after speech. |
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-- being told in Poland, 1987 |
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% |
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Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment |
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of license fee (binary only). |
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% |
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Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being |
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done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. |
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% |
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Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the |
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experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in |
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light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) |
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Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all |
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those Californians trying to share the experience. |
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% |
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Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. |
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% |
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Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? |
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A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. |
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Q: How long does it take? |
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A: It's indeterminate. |
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It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. |
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Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? |
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A: They replace your generator. |
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% |
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Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? |
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A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. |
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Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? |
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A: There's a footprint in the mayo. |
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Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? |
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A: There's two footprints in the mayo. |
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Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? |
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A: The door won't shut. |
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Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? |
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A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. |
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% |
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Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb |
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itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective |
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reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a |
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maudlin cosmos of nothingness. |
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% |
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Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students |
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does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my |
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advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he |
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can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the |
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credit for answering this incredibly vital question." |
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% |
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Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: None. We'll fix it in software. |
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Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: None. The application can work around it. |
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Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: None. We'll document it in the manual. |
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Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: None. The user can figure it out. |
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% |
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Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. |
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% |
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Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? |
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A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. |
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% |
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Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? |
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A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. |
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% |
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Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number |
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GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, |
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of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally |
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left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... |
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consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". |
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% |
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Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring |
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light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot |
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to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for |
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reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break |
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the bulb in the first place. |
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% |
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. |
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% |
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the |
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party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith |
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agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed |
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from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed |
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upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of |
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the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating |
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at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of |
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the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the |
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second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the |
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parties. |
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The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be |
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limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without |
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elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other |
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means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party |
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of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered |
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non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part |
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becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall |
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have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner |
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consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. |
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Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part |
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shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall |
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occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in |
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step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation |
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should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. |
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The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the |
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first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to |
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produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. |
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% |
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if |
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you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... |
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% |
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Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: I'll have to get back to you on that. |
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% |
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Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: One and a half. |
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% |
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Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. |
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% |
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Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem |
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to the earlier joke. |
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% |
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Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a |
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light bulb? |
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A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in |
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the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send |
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Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim |
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that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking |
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around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains |
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that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at |
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the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb |
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from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. |
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Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers |
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beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply |
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killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. |
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As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, |
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Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must |
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warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon |
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and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have |
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just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been |
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given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted |
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and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. |
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% |
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Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those |
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Californians trying to share the experience. |
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% |
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Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has |
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to really want to change. |
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% |
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Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. |
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% |
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Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub |
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with brightly colored machine tools. |
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[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] |
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% |
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Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? |
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A: One. |
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% |
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Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
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A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out |
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of the way. |
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% |
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Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? |
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A: 2 bits. |
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% |
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Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? |
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A: 9 edge down. |
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% |
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Q: Know what the difference between your latest project |
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and putting wings on an elephant is? |
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A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... |
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% |
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Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" |
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A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little |
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bottles into the typewriter. |
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% |
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Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? |
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A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." |
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Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing |
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sunglasses? |
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A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. |
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% |
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Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? |
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A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. |
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% |
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Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? |
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A: The very best person they can possibly be. |
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% |
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Q: What do monsters eat? |
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A: Things. |
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Q: What do monsters drink? |
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A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) |
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% |
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Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? |
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A: The impossible dream. |
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% |
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|
Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? |
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|
A: The same middle name. |
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% |
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Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? |
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A: A dope ring. |
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Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? |
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A: To cover up the valve stem. |
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% |
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Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? |
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A: Diyathinkhesaurus. |
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Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? |
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A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. |
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% |
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Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian? |
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A: Trustworthy. |
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% |
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Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? |
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A: A stick. |
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% |
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Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? |
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A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). |
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% |
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Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C |
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is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? |
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A: A deep C diva. |
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% |
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Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a |
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lawyer, and believes in social causes? |
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A: A failure. |
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% |
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Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when |
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you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? |
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A: A howdah duty. |
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% |
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Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female |
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sheep bites you? |
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A: Ewe nicks. |
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% |
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Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? |
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A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! |
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% |
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Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? |
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A: An offer you can't understand. |
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% |
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Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? |
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A: Not enough sand. |
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% |
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Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? |
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A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please! |
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% |
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Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? |
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A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by |
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a delicious dessert. |
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% |
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Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? |
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A: Open other end. |
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% |
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Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? |
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A: A dinner party. |
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% |
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Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? |
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A: Moby Pickle. |
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% |
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Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" |
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A: A ball point carrot. |
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% |
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Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? |
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A: Open other end. |
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% |
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Q: What is purple and commutes? |
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A: An Abelian grape. |
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% |
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Q: What is purple and conquered the world? |
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A: Alexander the Grape. |
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% |
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Q: What is the difference between a duck? |
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A: One leg is both the same. |
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% |
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Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? |
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A: Yogurt has culture. |
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% |
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Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? |
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A: Mu. |
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% |
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Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? |
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A: A nervous wreck. |
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% |
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Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and |
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plays like a monkey? |
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A: Nothing. |
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% |
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Q: What's a light-year? |
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A: One-third less calories than a regular year. |
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% |
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Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness? |
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A: Dating a Canadian. |
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% |
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Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb? |
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A: A corpse. |
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% |
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Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? |
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A: Chewing gum. |
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% |
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Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? |
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A: A doberman. |
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% |
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Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? |
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A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! |
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Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they |
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are removable! |
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Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his |
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very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? |
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A: Yes, up to isomorphism! |
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Q: What is a compact city? |
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A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted |
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policemen! |
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-- Peter Lax |
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% |
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Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin? |
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A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. |
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% |
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Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead |
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lawyer in the road? |
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A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. |
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% |
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Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? |
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A: You can't get down off an elephant. |
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% |
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Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? |
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A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. |
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% |
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Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? |
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A: One less drunk. |
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% |
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Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? |
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A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. |
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% |
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Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? |
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A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd |
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like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, |
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"and some cigarettes." |
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% |
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Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? |
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A: The Titanic had a band. |
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% |
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Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? |
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A: A canary with the super-user password. |
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% |
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Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? |
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A: Zorn's Lemon. |
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% |
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Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? |
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A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! |
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Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? |
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A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... |
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% |
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Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? |
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A: Lawn Boy. |
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% |
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Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? |
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A: To impress Jodie Foster. |
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% |
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Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? |
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A: Because he was hungry. |
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% |
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? |
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A: He was giving it last rites. |
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% |
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? |
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A: To see his friend Gregory peck. |
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? |
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A: To get to the other slide. |
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% |
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Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? |
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A: To get to the other slide. |
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% |
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Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? |
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A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means. |
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% |
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Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? |
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A: Because that was her name. |
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% |
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Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? |
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A: Because it was on the other side. |
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% |
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Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? |
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A: To get to the middle. |
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% |
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Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? |
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A: To stamp out forest fires. |
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Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? |
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A: To stamp out flaming ducks. |
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% |
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Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? |
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A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. |
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% |
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Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? |
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A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. |
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% |
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Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? |
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A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? |
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Oh, right, *of course*! |
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% |
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Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? |
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A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps |
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an eye on the two intellectuals. |
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% |
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Q: Why do WASPs play golf ? |
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A: So they can dress like pimps. |
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% |
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Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and |
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|
New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? |
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A: God gave New Jersey first choice. |
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% |
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Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? |
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A: The cats keep trying to bury them. |
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% |
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Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? |
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A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink |
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it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while |
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visiting, they always take three. |
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% |
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Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? |
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A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted |
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my dissertation to rhyme. |
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% |
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Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? |
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A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit |
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gets all the credit. |
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% |
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Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation |
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function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? |
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|
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. |
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% |
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Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? |
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A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in |
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Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever |
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you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. |
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-- being told in Poland, 1987 |
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% |
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Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man |
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soup in a plate? |
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A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. |
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% |
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Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? |
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A: It wasn't IBM compatible. |
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% |
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